Crystal Empire Post Discord Rule
It was roughly 8 o'clock at night, and the citizens of the Crystal Empire were enjoying the peace and quiet while getting ready for bed.
Unfortunately, the same could not be said for the staff and guards inside the palace. Unlike the rest of the empire, guards were racing to the medical bay to alert the doctors and nurses of the most important visit there in the history of the Empire's existence.
While some of the guards were off getting the medical bay ready, others were either making sure no-one got inside the palace, and the rest were roaming the halls for any unwanted visitors. Down the hall form the medical bay, a gurney with a dark mare with a starry mane & tail, a sharp horn and wings was moaning and screaming in agony while being pushed towards the medical bay. Around her were some of the best military medics, guards and her husband. The stallion that was right next her had a curved, red horn, charcoal black mane & tail and a dark grey coat.
"It's going to be okay my dear Moon, everything is going to be okay," the stallion said to his wife. "Don't worry, the baby is going to be just fine. Just keep taking deep steady breaths, we'll be there shortly."
"I hope your right my dear Sombra. I just want this pain to be over with as soon as possible," said Nightmare Moon, right before she screamed in agony again. After the scream, she took her husbands advice and started taking deep breaths, in through her nose and out through her mouth.
About 5 minutes later, they finally made it to the hospital bay and straight to delivery room for the birth of the newest member of the royal family.
After about 7 minutes of excruciating pain and checking out the newborn foal, Nightmare Moon and Sombra were finally able hold their child. It was a young lavender colored alicorn filly with a dark purple mane and tail with a lighter purple and pink stripe down the middle of each. After a minute or two of silently admiring the young filly, it was Sombra who broke the silence by saying, "She is adorable. She has your facial structure and is an alicorn just like you my dear Moon."
"Not only that, but she has the same eyes as you love," said Nightmare Moon. "What should we name her? Personally, I think it needs to be elegant to represent her status as Princess, but put fear into the hearts of those who dare appose our benevolent rule."
"I agree, but what can be both elegant yet fearsome at the same time," Sombra said as he put a hoof up to his chin in thought. After several moments of thinking and deliberating names, he finally thought of the perfect name. "I got it, and I think it has the perfect mix of the two key elements we are looking for."
Nightmare Moon cocked her head to the side and said, "What name do you think we should give her?"
Sombra gave a toothy grin as he responded, "The name I propose is Twilight Sparkle."
Nightmare gave a small smile and looked down at her daughter and replied, "I agree, that should be her name. It matches her perfectly considering she is the daughter of the Queen of the Night and the Lord of Shadows."
While they were talking, they didn't notice the young alicorn look at them with a confused expression on her face. She was looking between the two other ponies in the room trying to figure out who they were. After some time she decide to get their attention by starting to make some unintelligible sounds. She finally got their attention with some effort and smiled when they noticed them looking at her with big grins on their faces.
It Nightmare moon who was the first to speak. "Hello there young one. Welcome to this wonderful world. I'm your mom and this is your dad," she gestured her husband and herself accordingly with her hoof, before continuing. "If your wondering who you are, your name is Twilight Sparkle and you are the crown Princess and heir to the thrown of the Crystal Empire, but you will learn that in the near future when your older."
At the sound of her mothers voice, the young filly gave a grin and started giggling with happiness with a new-found joy and started reaching for Nightmare's snout with her tiny hooves.
"I think she wants to give you a hug my dear. It would be unwise to deny our daughter that unless you want her to become upset and start crying," Sombra said with a grin plastered on his muzzle.
Without any hesitation, Nightmare bent her head down to nuzzle her daughter and receive a hug in return.
With some reluctance, Sombra got up and moved to the door while saying, "Get some rest tonight and I will see you first thing tomorrow morning."
"Where are going?" Nightmare asked as she tilted her head in confusion as to why her husband was leaving her in the room.
Sombra turned around and gave a smile while saying, "I am going to make sure that Twilight Sparkle's crib is finished and is directly at the foot of out bed. Don't worry, I'll make sure everything in the room is cleaned and organised for when you leave here tomorrow." He then walked back to bed and gave his daughter a kiss on the forehead, then proceeded to give his wife a kiss goodnight and left the room directly after to make sure everything he said was done.
After her husband left, Nightmare looked down and noticed that her daughter was asleep while snoring very quietly. Seeing the sight put a smile on her face as she followed her daughter and was fast asleep as well.
The next day
Sombra walked down the hall with his wife by his side and their daughter nestled on back between her wings, still fast asleep. Sombra looked at the sight with a content smile on his face as he tried to picture the future he would have with his family.
"Is something wrong, love?" Nightmare asked when she saw her husband had zoned out.
Shaking his head out of his trance from his wife question, he replied, "N-nothing... nothing at all. Just trying to think of what the future will hold for us."
Nightmare nodded her head and looked back at her daughter. She then thought of something that made her shiver and it quickly noticed by Sombra. "Is something wrong dear? Please tell me. I'm here for you," he said, worry very evident on his face and in his voice.
Nightmare looked down, then at Sombra and nodded with a sigh. "Something is wrong, and I don't know how to deal with it."
"What is it?" he asked trying to figure out what caused his wife to shiver like she did.
"I-it's j-just that, how am I going to tell my sister that her evil sister has a daughter that is also an alicorn who will most likely be a master at dark magic like us?" Nightmare said, trying to figure out what her sister would say or do about it. Just thinking about it made her eyes water and another shiver run down her spine.
Her husband scooted up right next to her and wiped her eyes dry with his hoof. He then proceeded to nuzzle her neck and said, "We'll deal with at a later time. Right now, lets just enjoy our time as a family and deal with some other time. What do you say my dear Moon?"
She smile and nuzzled him back, replying, "Fine, but we immediately tell my sister when young Twilight Sparkle is older and we tell about her aunt and our alliance with the Griffon Kingdom so she know how to trust he griffon and make sure they don't harm our subjects, okay?"
Sombra looked at her and smiled. "I will agree to those terms. Now how about we take a nice nap with our daughter and go from there."
Nightmare Moon nodded and entered their bedchamber with her daughter still on her back and her husband following right behind as the door closed and locked behind them until the next day.
You need to work a little on your writing and I couldn't see very much errors but I like the premise I'll follow and do one thing...MAKE THIS STORY GREAT
Thanks for the advice. I currently don't have an editor for this story and am actually looking for one. If you want to help me with the story, I'd be more than happy to have your assistance in the writing. All I need is for you to PM me an example of why I should have your help and a way for me to send you chapter updates.
You need an editor. Like, right now.
I could edit if you'd like.
Can't wait to see what this story has in store...y. Heh heh... Bad puns...
I don't know if it's old Dimmu or new Dimmu, but I'll throw this in anyway.
Mm, an interesting setting. Sombre and Nightmare Moon makes a fitting couple. At this point, it's hard to discern how their relationship with Celestia stands, but it will be interseting to find out as the story progresses.
If you want, I've got some spell-checking: In paragraph 5, "I hope your right" should be "you're", and the same in par. 14 "..when your older"; Further down, Nightmare asks "Where are going?" where there's missing a "you"; Near the end, "We'll deal with at a later time." is missing an "it", and the same in the sentence after.
Keep it up. I'm looking forward to the rest
premise looks bucking awesome so we shall see
woohoo. the AU twi has loving parents
You need to work on your dialogue and exposition, but otherwise this is fine.
2630554. I'm the editor
like the others have said, your weakest point is definitely the dialogue, it just sounds flat, and a bit too . . . I don't know, descriptive, I guess? doesn't sound like the passing of words to each other from 2 proud parents or the idle chatter of a loving couple.
How often will you post chapters?
I like this story and it have potential, but you need an editor and to work more the dialogues, they are... weird.
Sticking to female Twilight, good. Having her born as an alicorn, strange but acceptable. Naming her Dusk Shadows . . . not cool bro, not cool at all. Besides Dusk being more masculine than feminine, Dusk is the name of Twilight's male counterpart. If you're going to have a female Twilight, have the decency to keep her name the same even if she does have different parents. Dusk Shadows is the kind of name you would give to a really bad OC.
>>bloodwolf432 I will make the change to the first part of her name immediately. Thank you for pointing that out to me.
motherfucker i was going to read your story and then i saw that you don't even know what real black metal is
i will read your story anyway but i now have no respect for you at all because you are not gr1m and trv3 like me </3
also what song were you listening to because dimmu are okay
>>the parasprite To answer your question about the song, it was actually the album Abrahadabra.
2634476
Careful with that edge.
2635559
oh thanks
your story isn't as bad as i thought it would be
it's kind of good actually
i want more
i sacrifice virgin goats to baphomet in the name of updates
2636322
you know that was a joke right i'm not actually that elitist
2636342
Everything is a joke.
Back to the topic, this story shows some pretty good promise.
So far good and love the Dimmu Borgir reverence. I love that Band!!!! Though i wouls make another song dedicated to a chapter. Succubus in rapture or Gateways.
It's an interesting idea, and I'd like to see more of it, but if I'm perfectly honest your grammar is rather off-putting.
I hope it's not too insulting of me to offer my services as a beta reader, editor and all-around fixer-upper for that sort of thing.
>>Little_Draco The next chapter of the story is called renewal, and all chapters will be names of Dimmu Borgir songs.
The premise and plot are promising, however your writing could use some work. Consider looking for a few editors and pre-readers.
>>bkster Thank you for the advice, and I should let you know I now have two editors for the story.
To all my readers out there, the next chapter is finished I am just waiting for my editors to do their thing and send me the new edited version. I don't know how long it will take, so just be patient.
-BMAGIC678
This looks good but I have a question before begin. I'm guessing Twilight's brother SA doesn't exist in this universe right? Will read either way.
>>Dash Attack To answer your question, you are correct. Twilight's brother Shining Armor does not exist in this story.
To all of the people who favorited this story and all of my readers, the next chapter has been written and is currently being edited. Be patient because I do not know how long it will be.
-BMAGIC678
Why would Sombra call Nightmare Moon "evil" if they are on the same side and married? Just seems a bit odd to me but I look forward to seeing how the story plays out.
Premise is interesting, but the dialogue is badly stilted.
2631028 Then I hope you know what a run-on sentence is.
I think Sombra and Nightmare need to check the definition of fearsome if they think Twilight Sparkle is a fearsome name
not bad
....7 minutes? How. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna guess it has something to do with being an Allicorn?
... How is that "fearful"?
How about Nightmare Twilight? Twilight Eclipse? Nightmare Eclipse? That actually sounds pretty cool. "Princess Nightmare Eclipse" and would sound even better if it was "Queen Nightmare Eclipse".
Better idea, make more chapters and don't worry about the length of the chapter.
I'm already enjoying this story so far with just the first chapter!