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Time for some more quick reviews...

For The Best: A nice little story. I like the interpretation of the prompt as "everything happens for a reason." And the way Celestia is written reminds me of her appearances back in Season 1 when she would just drop by to visit Ponyville like in "A Bird in the Hoof" or "Fall Weather Friends."

Oubliette: I only know what this title means because of Metroid Prime Hunters. Anyway, it's sort of interesting to hear what goes through the mind of a villain on this show when they're trapped somewhere for centuries (it's happened to so many of them they should form a support group). And I like the twisted sense of humor, especially that ending.

Farsighted: I've just noticed how many of these stories involve Twilight and Applejack... Possibly because Applejack is the least magical pony we can think of? But once again I like their relationship here, with Applejack's simple wisdom and Twilight's need to understand absolutely everything. It's stories like this that are making me really start to like this pairing.

Mark of Destiny: Now, I'm a gamer myself... but there's something about a fanfic opening with some dudes sitting around a PlayStation that makes me instantly lose interest. I've just seen it so many times before. Moving on to the rest of the story, I guess this idea about how cutie marks would affect humans could work, but all the paperwork and scientific babble doesn't feel much like Equestria. I also don't think Twilight would be so angry and racist towards humans (especially since she has canonically met them now... sigh). She gets frustrated but I can't imagine her getting so violent. Also, Mark says he recognizes Twilight from TV, yet every time a character is introduced, they get an over-detailed description rather than just their name. It would be easier on everyone if he just recognized them on sight. It's especially confusing when you refer to Discord as a "golem" (I think you meant "chimera"). Overall, the whole thing is pretty convoluted and just not very interesting.

Parental Attachment: I have a soft spot for horrific and morally reprehensible wacky shenanigans. Especially if the Cutie Mark Crusaders are involved. There were some technical issues with the writing--I think your dialogue and description faltered in a few places--but it was fun.

Since there are 22 entries this writeoff and these being my first impressions, I'm keeping my reviews short.

Love Call
Poem isn't my forte, so I can't really tell whether it was done correctly or not. The imagery is good, I like it. However, the prompt handling and the plot (so to speak) is too simple for my taste.

Stallion Whose Name I Forgot
First impression was that the story is artsy, really artsy. It's not a bad thing but I feel that the entire thing kind of drown out the prompt and the prompt is just a small part of something much larger. Rarity's predicament is rather predictable. The story is very well written but a lot of the symbolism is lost on me.

Waiting
Oh hey, a human story. First time I'm seeing one of these in the writeoff before. I like the worldbuilding in this one, though the description of the West Nile virus bugs me a little. Sure, it's a modified, airborne version of the WNV and the cases were congenital, but inducing coma in children without dying is rather contrived. If the kids were born affected with Encephalitis and/or Meningitis, they were very likely to be dead in very short order. Given what had happened in the story, that Earth has some very impressive medical science since as of right now the WNV still has no known vaccine. Other than that, I like the subtle treatment of the prompt.

And Yet...
Another something I haven't seen in the writeoff before. Rather than a single story, we get a collection of vignettes. They're all pretty good, though Scootaloo does seem a little off but I chalk it up to her being older and having a rather bad life experience. Each one of them ties into the prompt neatly and I like them for that.

Homecoming
So, a Zecora story. The rhyming, like TD and others said, is kind of a miss there but Zecora aren't easy to write anyway. The worldbuilding is pretty good and the song ties in the prompt pretty well, though the song could have been a little shorter, I guess.

Three and a Half Seconds
A coma story, kind of similar to Stallion Whose Name I Forgot. It's a little predictable but I thought using Sweetie Belle as a reflection of Apple Bloom's predicament was pretty nice. The story didn't do much with the prompt though.

Just One More
The premise is pretty simple: Twilight investigates magic in everything by absorbing them, driven by Tirek's actions in S4E25-26 and that ties to the prompt nicely. Though I have a few quibbles with it. Like how did nobody notice and take action when Twilight grew big? By the time they acted, she was at least the size of a city block. Also, Twilight seems a little OOC, particularly the scene where she was thinking about Tirek and her interactions with Spike.

A Light in the Dark
A simple story about filly Twilight, Celestia and later Celestia and Luna. The prompt handling is simple and straight to the point, along with one of the popular interpretation of Twilight's role in the prophecy. Though the idea of the pony equivalent of Halloween being the longest night of year bugged me a little since like others pointed out, the longest night falls on the Winter solstice which either in December or June and several descriptions of the festival in the story indicates a fall festival instead.

Dawn
So, Celestia and Luna talks about cutie marks, destiny and the definition of "being special". There is a bit of talking heads syndrome but overall the story writing is okay and the story ties to the prompt in a roundabout well, not that I'm complaining.

Friendship is not Magic.
That period in the title bugs me (though I didn't dock points for that). The set up is a little long and actually doesn't do much, I didn't even find out what really happened to Twilight until more than halfway through the story. I agree and disagree with the "dragon's" points. Yes, Twilight may not need to rely on magic itself to defend her friends but no, magic is Twilight's best (or rather most efficient) option to help her friends, despite what the "dragon" says.

Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Air
The magic in songs and earth. It hits the prompt and the story is pretty good. Though the start is a little slow and the meeting of Maud is rather contrived. also, I wish I could know more about why Geothaumic is bad other than "Celestia tried tapping into it and Bad Things happened".

Negotiations
Apple Bloom complains about not being "special". Though the story touches on the prompt broadly initially (by talking about magic in all three pony tribes), it then focuses more narrowly on earth pony magic. It's a simple story and Apple Bloom learns a simple lesson in the end. The worldbuilding on earth pony magic is pretty cool.

Applejack Goes To Magic School For Some Reason
The premise is rather silly and the story simply rolls with it. Every single "feat" of Applejack actually happened to be Twilight's and that contradiction is pretty funny. Though initially I thought S1E1-2 is screwed because Twilight and Applejack aren't on speaking terms but the framing device being The Cutie Mark Chronicles, I guess the gang did still get together and beat NMM despite the handicap.

Parental Attachment
I'm not a big fan of Scootaorphan stories but the twist in the ending is weird and well, fresh enough that it didn't bug me that much. Though, I don't see how the whole thing tied to the prompt. Also, how did Scootaloo learn to make "Homunculi"? Initially in the reveal, I thought Scootaloo was going to out herself as a bat pony (ala Higher Senses) and her parents' odd behaviors being that too.

Mark of Destiny
Oh hey, another human fic. There's a lot going on the story and I feel that it's trying to do too many things in the allotted 8k word limit. The worldbuilding is pretty cool but the story tries to deal with societal impact of cutie marks on human society and Equestria's inability to negotiate from a position of strength on the issue and humans "invading" Equestria and Fluttershy's past interaction with humans and that's a lot in just 7.9k words. On top of that, the story doesn't seem to do much with the prompt except vaguely right at the end?

Farsighted
Applejack tries to teach Twilight the beauty of Life. I like the idea of that but AJ is a poor teacher and Twilight is a literal, which generates interesting conflict. Though I wanted to smack a little sense into Twilight a bit throughout the story. I find the story using an intricate way of handling the prompt.

Oubliette
Tirek goes mad and kills himself by absorbing magic from "everywhere" (read: the stone floor). It hits the prompt rather directly but Tirek's descend into madness is interesting and the final reveal makes the whole just a little more sinister.

For the Best
Celestia attends Twilight and Applejack's wedding (what's with all the Twilight and Applejack pairing this contest?) and along the way exchanges life experiences with Granny Smith. The interaction between the characters are really good, especially between Celestia and Granny Smith. Same as Farsighted, the story hits the prompt via "Magic of Life".

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird
A nice simple story about an adventure with Daring Do with her sidekick. Simple but effective characterization, though the prose is a little telly but excusable since it's the imagination of a nine year old filly. I'm guessing Hidden Charm was mother-insert villain? The story hits the prompt nicely with the "Magic of Imagination in Everyone".

The Color and the Silence
This story is a little confusing. Though it's about Celestia and the banishment of Luna, a number of things raises some questions. What is these "things" the "moon" (or rather NMM) "asked" Celestia to do? What is the windows and objects (one of it is the box and the door that later contains the EoH) in this tower and how is predicting all this prophecy stuff when the tower was commissioned by her subjects and is for all intents and purposes non-magical and "prophecy-y". Also, the story doesn't seem to have anything to do with the prompt?

The Sweetest Water
Hey, it's one of those storytelling style that teaches morals, don't remember seeing one of those in the writeoffs before. A simple story, telling a simple moral. Though the dialogue don't seat well with me, it fits the style of the story, so I'm not complaining. I feel that it took the prompt and built something even bigger on top.

Feel
I like the worldbuilding in this one. The interactions between Glitter Song and Star Dust is nice too. However, I find the plot really lacking and I agree with TD that it feels more like a start of a story than a full story itself. The prompt handling feels rather shallow too.

Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope
The narrator (AJ) feels very OOC, so is Big Mac to a lesser extend. Was it because of that bite she got (turned out it was)? I can see why the others are saying it's SJW and it is. The story is mechanically well-written and uses the prompt decently but I don't think it's really a good idea. The actual cause fix for the conflict is rather silly but somewhat par for course for a pony story, I guess.

Finally found a bit of time to get down all my thoughts about this month's entries. I'm not sure why, but for some reason they're on a whole quite a bit more negative than last time around. I really do hope this doesn't mean I'm becoming a jaded old cynic. Catch the first half of my reviews below!

Love Call: One thing about free verse that's really important is the flow of the words. A big strength of free form poetry is the ability to use pauses and starts in the rhythm to emphasize certain words and phrases. I find it, then, odd that the author decided to forgo punctuation of any kind, save the occasional comma used for grammatical purposes. One mistake that newer poetry writers tend to make is that even though a poem stanza may be broken into lines, you're supposed to read the lines continuously and without pause if there's no punctuation indicating otherwise at the end of the previous line. Because of this, I'm afraid the poems' technical aspects fall shorter than I like. However, the story and the twist were interesting and the whole thing had a suitable alien feel. I'm just sorry that I couldn't have enjoyed it more.

The Stallion Whose Name I Forgot: A interesting dreamscape story is another weakness of mine, and I enjoyed seeing Rarity's struggle as a metaphor for her emotional state. In the end, though, I was a little disappointed by the payoff. I know that a lot of the appeal of these kind of stories tends to rest in what is unsaid, but despite the high word count and the multiple scene shifts, by the end of it I get the feeling that we haven't really gone anywhere.

Waiting: The crux of my issues with this story is that it buckles under the weight of its own premise. The author has set up a world that is vastly different from MLP as we know it, and so a lot of explanation is required for us to understand and become invested in the setting. This is a tough job, even for experienced writers, and often they don't have the constraints of a short story contest written over one weekend. Unfortunately, there are some telling-not-showing exposition, talking heads, and general muddiness that makes it very, very difficult to become invested in the characters. In fact, character development seems to be sidelined in favor of more explanatory dialogue. I don't get much of a feel for who the characters are except what their roles force them to be. While trying to put the pieces together was fun in its own way, the author should really be using plot obscurity rather than technical unclearness to create a sense of mystery.

And Yet... : I like the message of this story; it's appropriately warm and fuzzy for MLP. But the issue here is that we never really have enough time (read: word count) these ficlets to get invested in the characters. I mean, the entire story is only just above the minimum word count, which is a quarter of what the author had to work with. And then it gets split into five mostly unrelated fics... Logistically, this can't really work well. This is especially evident in the Lyra section, where we get introduced to the concept of HIE, the author tries to describe the intercultural implications, and the story tries to develop on what this all means to Lyra, personally. All in three paragraphs.

Homecoming: Like some other reviewers have already mentioned, the zebras' couplets are definitely rough around the edges. Personally, I think they get a bit better as the fic progresses, but they're clunky enough to be off-putting in the beginning. Other than that, the story puts almost all of its emotional weight into the song/performance. I thought it was nice, so the fic on a whole worked for me. However, I can certainly see how if someone doesn't enjoy it as much as I did, the entire story would fall flat.

Three and a Half Seconds: I'm very sorry to the author of this one, but more than anything this was frustrating for me to read. Why does it seem that everypony feels the need to keep AB in the dark about this? A child is experiencing an unexpected and terribly emotional event, and they decide to give no explanation of any kind and just leave her in helpless confusion? I mean, there's no way they can hide the fact that her friend is in a comma, so how is being mum about the whole thing going to protect her in any way? The only reason for this I could come up with is because the author wanted an easy way to keep the reader in the dark. Which brings me to some other plot issues I had. Why is Applebloom literally the only one who's been at a comma patient's side for more than two days (with only the mention of a nurse's bag to imply otherwise)? Why is Rarity only mentioned all of two times before being dismissed? She happens to be a main character of the show, and Sweetie Belle's flippin' older sister . I feel like I have to be missing something really big, because as it is I'm nothing but confused by this one.

Just One More: For a slippery slope fic, this one was all right, but didn't really bring anything new to the table. Personally, I feel that slippery slopes are much more interesting when the characters are consciously giving up values or morals for the sake of a goal that they think is worth it. When the character is simply high on magic, it's not as intriguing. The each increment of "slope" the character takes should be individual choices, not a direct and mostly expected consequence of the choice before it. While the image of a pumped-up Twilight simply swatting the Royal Sisters from the sky is one that'll probably stick with me for some time, there's too much of a disconnect between the Twilight and her actions for this one to really hit home for me.

A Light in the Dark: Not much to say about this one. It's cute, but it could use a bit more substance. I mean, most of the story is Celestia explaining the concept of the prompt (taken literally) to a young Twilight. Nothing objectionable about that, but there's definitely some unused room to elaborate and flesh out some of these ideas.

Dawn: The thing that irked me most about this one was the message. Celestia spends most of this story pedantically explaining to Luna why she ought to be polite to authority and why one's cutie mark doesn't make up somepony's entire identity. And then she raises the sun and (apparently) proves herself wrong on all points. I'm not sure what this is supposed to mean for the message of the story or the actual plot itself.

Friendship is not Magic: Lovely world-building! That's sure to win you some points in my book. Unfortunately, I'm inclined to agree with what the previous few reviewers said about the lateness of introducing Twilight's injury and the reasoning behind the conversation Twilight has with Ferros. Despite this, I liked the idea of Twilight not getting the cure-all she wanted. As the main character of a children's cartoon, it seems like Fate pulls a helluva lotta strings to let Twilight "win" at everything, so this was a nice change of pace.

Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Air: Okay, it was pretty difficult to suspend disbelief about this one. I like the idea of unlikely heroes coming together to save the day when the Mane 6 can't, but these guys were falling out of the sky to help (in one case, literally!). And then the explanation is that the Princesses wanted to secretely sabotage Twilight's extremely dangerous experiment to teach her a lesson, one that they learned through barely-adverted sabotage-initiated disaster. And there's inter-princess paparazzi blackmail involved. The reveal about Sweetie Belle's songweaving is basically taking backseat to all this craziness going on at once (which I don't think the author intended).

Negotiations: This one's a favorite of mine. While I'm in the camp that Pinkie Pie is closer to "unfathomable" than "insane", the way she's portrayed here still captures what I think are the most important bits of her personality: She cares deeply for the ponies around her, and she's always out to help them in her own way, even if she's not entirely understood. And I loved Berry Punch here, great job fleshing out a background pony so well in so few words. Personally, I think the whole "negotiations" idea of earth pony magic is absolutely fascinating, and I wished the author had expanded on the idea a bit more. There's not enough specifics to really sate curiosity, but the overall concept is still intriguing.

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That's another possibility, yes. And I did get the harem vibes too, although I hadn't made the connection

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You actually are missing something big in Three and a Half Seconds: It was Apple Bloom who was in a coma the whole time. She wakes up at "It all gave way..."

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I got why they did it the way they did, but it was weird at that point in the story.

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My palm might actually be permanently stuck to my face this time.Thanks for the clarification!

This certainly puts a new light to the whole thing. Whereas before I thought I was being frustrated at the author's plot choices, I realize it was intended for AB to feel isolated and helpless. In which case, I'll have to commend the author for doing such a good job setting the mood. And apologize profusely for making a fool of myself.

Well, that definitely sets the story up a few notches on my tally card.

Review time! I’m sure you’re all just dying for…

Wait a minute, how many people have gotten theirs done already? Dang, I must be off my game or something.

Anyway, here’s my comments on every story. The usual yadda yadda before we dive in: first, I haven’t read anyone else’s reviews yet—that’s next on my list after posting this. Second, these comments aren’t necessarily reflective of how I’m planning to vote, but of what useful advice (if any) I think I can offer the author. Third, if you’re the author and want me to clarify something, or to tell me I’m wrong, or whatever, I’d be happy to discuss your story or my comments… but don’t do anything in the comments to reveal your identity before the voting’s done, right? Right. That all said, here we go!

Love Call: I do like me some well-written poetry, and this is… well, okay. Writing freeform doesn’t give you carte blanche to ignore rhythm and the mouthfeel of lines, it just means that the former doesn’t have a consistent pattern and that the importance of the latter is elevated. Still, you succeeded in making each line stand logically apart, which is tricky, so nice job there. I was a little disappointed that the second poem was more of the same, poetry-wise; when we started off with an Ozymandias reference, I thought that meant you were going to try something different. Personally, I’d have liked to see more differentiation between the two.

Stallion Whose Name I Forgot: There’re some tense issues here—not a whole heap, but enough to stand out as more than the handful of stupid mistakes that I’m granting everyone for writing on a three-day deadline. The surreality and symbolism came through clearly, but there was something missing: the crisis Rarity must overcome doesn’t connect in any obvious way to her heart attack. Because the symbolic journey and the physical ailment don’t seem to connect, the ending where you bring them together wasn’t as strong as I’d have liked. Also, I realize the Reine forms part of the border with Prance (as an aside, I’ve never cozied to that name), but come on: France has plenty of famous rivers of its own, why use one that instantly brings German(e)y to mind?

Waiting: I think there’s the gem of a good idea here, in the “kids placed in Ponyville sim for apocalypse reasons, don’t develop mentally because of ruts” setup. But there are three huge things holding it back. First, audience-coddling: if any of your characters says “As you already know…” there’d better be a damn good reason they’re saying it, and ‘because I need to tell the reader’ doesn’t count. Dialogue where people inexplicably repeat at length things that they have no reason to repeat pull me out of a story faster than anything. Second, too much of this story seems to happen ‘because reasons,’ e.g. the reason why the servers can’t keep running the kids. I’m no computer wiz, but “we need the servers for some other group” sure doesn’t make much sense on the face of it; there are too many obvious ways to address that problem without risking the lives/sanity/etc. of huge numbers of children. And third… I’m guessing that what I’m supposed to take from the end is that NMM sparked another surge of growth and the pony crowd won a reprieve, but given that NMM wouldn’t actually be defeated until maybe a few hours before the kill switch has to be thrown, it seems pretty vanishingly unlikely that the outcome wouldn’t be “the kids are now being pulled off the computers without even getting a proper apocalypse prep.” BUT, behind those three things, I think there’s a good story fighting to break free. I really hope to see a worked-up version of this story get posted after the contest, because this has potential.

And Yet… Sorry, but I’m not impressed. As a cohesive narrative, these fall flat for me; I can’t find any point of connection between them, except that they all are about magic being everywhere. But without sharing a setting, time, location, or something, they don’t hold together. And judged separately… well, if this had been a minific contest and any one of those had been submitted independent of the others, my reaction would have been “well-enough written, but nothing memorable.” Except for the Lyra one, of which I’d have said “well-enough written, but you need to do more than that to get me to buy into Lyra riding an airplane full of humans.”

Homecoming: There were two parts to this: the SoL Twi/Zeccy stuff, and the myth/play. The former was inoffensive but forgettable for me (except for Zeccy’s rhyme fails), but I was really impressed by the latter. You really captured the feel of tribal theatre, with the loose break between audience and performer, the key repetitions, and the message. I wish there was a stronger bridge to it (or at least a shorter one; the setup went on pretty long, and had me expecting more of the same rather than the payoff I got), but this still worked for me. Oh, except for one other thing: unless I missed it, did Twilight and Zecorah completely fail to even mention Fluttershy? All the other friends begged off, but I don’t think they even asked her! EDIT: Nevermind, you do write her off. Still it would've been nice to either do more with the other ponies, or to leave them out and just make this a one-pony offer (or two, if you want AJ to still be there and defer).

Three and a Half Seconds: It was pretty obvious what was going on here, but then, I assume it wasn’t supposed to be a big secret. The writing was fine and the ending was sweet, but what tripped me up was the opening (everything before AB went upstairs): it doesn’t tie nicely with the rest of the isolation elements, it doesn’t seem to connect to what’s “really” happening in any obvious way, and it doesn’t feel to me like something AB would dream.

Just One More: I was interested at first, but I just can’t buy the idea that Twi either has that little control over herself (she did manage three other princesses powers before) or that she could be that oblivious, even with the magic distracting her. Neat idea, but for me it falls apart at the characterization level.

A Light in the Dark: The fluff here was very nice, but the prompt felt very shoehorned in; there was no need to give us all the “magic in everything” rigamarole, it doesn’t really mesh cleanly with the direction the conversation was heading. The ending also kind of petered, as we spent the whole fic looking at what Celestia does on Nightmare Night and all, and then at the end, suddenly get a “Twilight was the stars all along,” which only tangentially connects; it feels like you’re writing the resolution to a different story, there. And on a ticky-tack note: while I don’t think they ever say when Nightmare Night, but it’s a halloween analogue and the celebration pretty clearly seems harvest festival-ish. Neither of those scream “middle of June” (longest day of the year)[HAHA oops I MEANT "middle of December" and "longest night of the year"] to me.

Dawn: THANK YOU for understanding what thee and thou mean! Okay, anyway, that was a nice touch, and there’s some great hints of the larger world here, but the effect is muddled by how talky it is; conversation-based stories are all well and good, but except at the very start and end there’s almost nothing here but blocks of quotes. Still, the dialogue was pleasant to read, funny and serious at all the right moments, and I liked the way the ending brought it together—not just with the mark (which we all knew was coming), but with the characterizations as well.

Friendship is not Magic.: No need for that period in the title, FYI. Anyway, I liked a lot of things about this, but I’m going to focus on the two bits that didn’t work for me. First, while the ending is a nice reveal, Ferrous doesn’t seem particularly draconic—or even just different than a pony—prior to that. More could have been done earlier to make him feel more alien; he’s been around since the beginning and is spoken of in more-or-less deific terms, after all. I was expecting something a bit less wise but crotchety old man-ish. Second, the ending is to opaque for me. I’m pretty sure I get what the resolution is, but if you’re literally going to have Twi just fly off at the end and be okay with everything, I think you need to spell things out a little more, for the sake of closure if nothing else.

Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Air: I don’t really know what to make of this one. There’s a pony-freezing machine, then Maud and the Flim-Flams show up out of nowhere, then Sweetie can use singing to synchronize battle… it feels like fifty different ideas got tossed at a page in rapid succession, with no real idea of how to turn them into a coherent story. Take the Sweetie singing thing: that could be a great story by itself, about how she learns to use her voice to control the movements of other ponies through rhythm. It could be a great subplot in a larger work, too. But you can’t just toss that on in a hundred words and expect it to work. There are some nice things that could be fleshed out, but right now this doesn’t feel like much more than a series of contrivances.

Negotiations: I really liked this. First, you did a great job with Pinkie; one or two lines may have felt a bit too serious, but she even lampshaded that. I also liked the way you show Earth Pony magic working, though the excuse for why AB doesn’t know about this seems pretty weak. Still, it was a fun, light story, and that last line brought it together perfectly.

Applejack Goes To Magic School For Some Reason: I didn’t warm to this instantly, but it eventually won me over with its gleeful trampling of canon and unselfconscious willingness to destroy a character or two for the sake of the joke. This is “stupid comedy” done right, and let it never be said that I don’t love stupid comedy.

Parental Attachment: Unfortunately, this one didn’t do much for me. It mostly just felt weird, rather than (for example) using character discomfort to reveal something about how that character thinks, or building a bit of lore, or imparting a message. I mean, the end where they immediately try to exploit the thing is cute, but I feel like there was some essential purpose which this story was missing, so that it ended up being little more than “Scoots can do this weird trick when she gets high.”

Mark of Destiny: Oh geez, I don’t even know what to say about this. There were so many things that bugged me about this story, and yet, I found it totally compelling—plus, you found a way to use a second-person stinger that… well, okay, I didn’t like it (it would have been better if, if you were determined to go that route, you’d just put the end in second person rather than leave “you” with interpersonal awareness of “I”), but I got why it was there, at least! I don’t feel on board with how cutie marks work here, or how the ponies are acting, or… well, anything, really, but it was engrossing, and I loved the third choice at the end (plus, jokey cutie marks and name puns!). So… good job, I guess?

Farsighted: There’s a fairly generic but still on-target “Twi learns to stop being so literal about what magic is” story in here, but it gets sort of crowded out by all the sniping and yelling. Almost everything AJ and Twi say to each other seems to have one or the other of them annoyed at best and downright frothing at times. Big emotions like anger are like spice: a little bit is great, even crucial, but ladle on too much and your bread pudding just turned into Cinnamon Challenge: the Dessertening. If you rewrite this, I highly recommend calming them down a lot, so that the spots where their frustration does boil over can shine through properly.

Oubliette: I loved, loved loved the first three-quarters or so; the way you present a mind on the brink of madness just works. Then, we get a Monty Python quote and a super-dark twist. The former I’m against in absolute terms; the latter I think you would have been stronger without. Not only because that level of sadism doesn’t really fit Equestria to me (even if it is Discord), but more importantly, because actually killing Tirek costed you a chance to make any sort of comparison between what Discord did and what Discord had done to him. Even if that idea went completely unstated, it seems to me a much stronger note to end on.

For the Best: The ending came together too neat and tidy for my tastes, which I get is the point, but.... well, I think my issue is with the implication in that ending: that Destiny cares more about Twilight and AJ having enough seats at their wedding than it does about young Granny Smith’s hopes and dreams. Or AJ’s parents’ lives. Or… you get the idea. This story very clearly, directly sets up that parallel, and while I can buy “greater good” when it comes to an extinction-level event like NMM, the implications get pretty disturbing when we then tie it to something that even the two ponies getting married probably won’t care about in a few months’ time.

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird: A little all-in-their-imagination story is always fun (it was clear to me from early on what it was, or at least I hoped it was; otherwise, I’d have been pretty peeved about the over-excited narrator’s voice). This one doesn’t overstay its welcome, but also doesn’t have much of a story arc, which is acceptable in context but, I think, something that still would have made the story stronger than “quest, and here’s all the dangerous stuff!” But the ending was really sweet, and I dig that.

The Color and the Silence: I enjoyed this; the ominously aware tower is a nice mix of inexplicable and unignorable, and Celestia’s plight comes through clearly. It bugged me that the end of the story doesn’t seem to match up with canon (unless my understanding of the timing is wrong, wouldn’t Celestia have to already be outside and near the school by the time the Rainboom went off to match up with her scene in Cutie Mark Chronicles?), and the reference to “eating for two” doesn’t make a lot of sense on the surface and is kind of misleading, but those are my only real complaints.

The Sweetest Water: Hey, a fairy tale! There are two morals I see here. The first, and I assume the one you intended based on the ending, is “know thyself,” with the stallion realizing at each pool that he couldn’t handle the gift and that his love was more important than anything else. The second, which I think (hope) was accidental, is “know your place,” where the stallion knows better than to get uppity and rise above his lot in life. I don’t have a lot of sympathy for that one, but I do like fairy tales, and this story scratched that itch.

Feel: I don’t think this really works as a stand-alone, especially with the last line emphasizing that the biggest element in need of resolution remains completely unresolved. With a little tweaking, this could be a great first chapter, but on its own, it falls short. I like the insect-ness of the Flutter-Ponies, though--if you write more of this story, please keep them from feeling too mamillian. You’ve got a nice start on that front!

Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope: I think this story was trying to be ridiculous, but ended up being too serious for its own good. Sure the humbug and its cure were great, but just having AJ parrot toned-down, ponified internet SJW talking points isn’t really absurd in the same way that, say, Applejack Goes to Magic School for Some Reason was. I think this could have been a decent “stupid comedy” if it had more fully embraced making AJ a truely raging, rabid idiot via bugbite. And honestly, I’d have liked it better without the explicit “check your privilige” catchphrase—it makes the story feel more like it’s making fun of people than just being funny.

...And that's the lot! Congratulations to everyone who entered--there are some real gems in this group, and plenty more stories that just need a little more literary elbow grease to shine. This is the first time I've tried a three-day writeoff, and even though it destroyed my weekend, I had a lot of fun.

Here we go again! Get the second half of my reviews below.

Applejack Goes to Magic School For Some Reason: Not too much to say about this one. While it was technically and mechanically irreproachable, I'm personally not a fan of comedies of error. There just came the point where I simply couldn't believe the ponies around Applejack could be that clueless. Nevertheless, this one did get some chuckles out of me, and I especially enjoyed the couple of jokes in the last bit.

Parental Attachment: Looks like one of those stories that was shoehorned into the prompt. I'm not sure what the author intended, but this one didn't really work as a comedy for me. I mean, since we don't know what Scootaloo's parents are in the first few bits, their actions come across as just odd. By the time we get an explanation, the fun bits are already all behind us, and we never get to put our knowledge of Scootaloo's trickery to use.

Mark of Destiny: Why is it that every "human society meets ponies" fic either portrays humans in the best possible light (Technology! Ingenuity! Ambition!) or the absolute worst (Greed, anger, intolerance). Seriously, I'm starting to think any semblance of middle ground has been turned into no man's land from the sheer polarization this seems to do to the fandom. Personal gripe aside, this story was actually pretty enjoyable for me. Suitably dark, good explanation of the situation, and a heavy moral decision. But I really can't get over the ending. It kind of throws it all away for the sake of a "Use the Force!" pun and a pretty ridiculous visual gag.

Farsighted: I really liked this one! Wonderfully SoL, and endearingly cute. I actually laughed out loud at "massive red blur." I like the idea of Applejack the farmer teaching something meaningful to Twilight the scientist. My only issue is for this story to work, Twilight has to be denser than a neutron star. I mean, we've seen her get worked up a few times, but to actually fail to understand something right in front of her nose? It feels a bit out of character to me.

Oubliette: I'm a firm believer that it is very important for dark fics to link back in some way to the core themes of MLP. Otherwise, you have dark for the sake of being dark—which, of course, can be as chilling and terrifying as it needs to be, but it loses the little spark that brings it back home to the show material and makes it all really impactful. For this reason, in the end "Oubliette" didn't quite feel like an MLP fic to me, despite sharing characters and settings. Despite being wonderfully macabre and pulling off a great twist on the prompt, I think ultimately the story suffers a bit from not sharing these themes with the source material.

For the Best: Cute story that accomplishes exactly what it sets out too. I really don't understand why there aren't more fics involving Granny Smith and Celestia; they've got enough in common to easily put together, but they're different enough in demeanor and personality that they bounce off of each other nicely. Which is precisely what the author does here. Great SoL writing.

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird: I think the bookworm in all of us can relate perfectly with Ginger Snap here. I can just imagine myself yelling, "But, mom, I'm at the best part!" Some great unapologetic action/adventure in this one, capstoned with a cute ending. Really enjoyed this one.

The Color and the Silence: Oooh, I really, really, liked this one. The idea that greater powers are at work becomes chillingly intriguing when it's applied to someone like Celestia. Her frustration, anger, and confusion really ring true, and I'm left in want of answers in the best possible way. Nicely done!

The Sweetest Water: Pleasantly easy to read, but with a poignant message. This is a great example of how to write a compelling fable-style story. It uses the repeating format to its strength. It doesn't seem all that connected to the prompt though, which is a shame. Regardless, this was a terribly enjoyable little piece of work.

Feel: I think the issue for this one is that there's a big lack of context for any of the events or emotions, especially considering that the primary conflicts aren't resolved by the end of the story. In short, there was a set up, but no punchline. It doesn't quite do its job, which is regrettable because there's quite a bit to like about this one.

Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope: This one ended up being too much of a social commentary to be very funny for me. In most of my experiences, real life and pony don't mix well. Most of the jokes amounted to different ways Applejack justifies telling ponies to "check their privilege," which gets a bit bland after a while. Despite this, there was a humorously creative explanation/solution for it all, so you earn some points there.

Well, there you have it; all my reviews are down and done! I hope they've been helpful or at least somewhat interesting for the authors to read.

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on Homecoming

Twilight’s brow scrunched up as she thought. “Rarity and Fluttershy are still in Manehatten, so they won’t be able to make it. I’ll have to ask Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie if they’re up for it.”

Though the only reason they are even mentioned in the story was to say they can't come, so kinda pointless. Just seemed like Applejack was the excuse for Twilight going to Zecoras and since AJ got a mention then the rest had to too.

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Love Call

Did anyone actually like the poetry in this? I've noticed a lot of negativity about it. Including in my own review.

Stallion Whose Name I Forgot: The surreality and symbolism came through clearly, but there was something missing: the crisis Rarity must overcome doesn’t connect in any obvious way to her heart attack.

Well, I think that the actual problem she was trying to overcome was a block to her creativity; she couldn't think. The heart attack was just what put her into the hospital.

I'm not sure though.

Waiting: Second, too much of this story seems to happen ‘because reasons,’ e.g. the reason why the servers can’t keep running the kids. I’m no computer wiz, but “we need the servers for some other group” sure doesn’t make much sense on the face of it; there are too many obvious ways to address that problem without risking the lives/sanity/etc. of huge numbers of children.

This is, unfortunately, a bit of a plot hole.

The writing was fine and the ending was sweet, but what tripped me up was the opening (everything before AB went upstairs): it doesn’t tie nicely with the rest of the isolation elements, it doesn’t seem to connect to what’s “really” happening in any obvious way, and it doesn’t feel to me like something AB would dream.

That is an interesting point. Maybe it was her dreaming of being carried home and having all her friends and family cluster around her? It does feel a bit weird, now that you mention it.

A Light in the Dark: Neither of those scream “middle of June” (longest day of the year) to me.

You have this backwards; they called it the longest NIGHT of the year. However, that doesn't make sense EITHER, because, well, the longest night of the year occurs during the winter (or at least it would, logically, because less sunshine = colder weather).

While the idea of Nightmare Night being a night that Celestia would mark with mourning in her own way, honestly given how much of a party Nightmare Night is it really seems to me like Celestia decided to make the memory of her sister (what little remained) a happy one in many ways.

Dawn: THANK YOU for understanding what thee and thou mean!

I didn't even mention this in my review of Dawn. Got distracted by the shiny ending I guess. Or the not so shiny one, seeing as I complained about it.

Thinking about the fact that last competition, Horizon noted my incorrect use of my/mine, I wonder if this might have been Horizon's story for this week. He finally lost it and got tired of people screwing up Ye Olde English and wrote a story where he could explain the T-V distinction in story form.

There's magic in everything! But mostly in proper early modern English.

Hm. He even mentioned in my blog post that I was critical of it. Though I wasn't THAT mean towards Dawn, so probably not.

Parental Attachment: “Scoots can do this weird trick when she gets high.”

Now, now, we all know with wings like hers, she'll never get high.

Mark of Destiny: Second person.

Okay, I completely missed the second person thing there at the end. That's very sneaky of you, author! Tch.

I dunno if I approve, but that's sneaky.

Farsighted: Anger issues

This is a good point regarding its pacing; it doesn't quite have as high of peaks as it should as a result of this, because they don't feel that high relative to what comes around them.

Oubliette: Monty Python quote

I'm not sure if I approve of that either, honestly. As far as Discord goes, it does feel wrong - I don't see Discord as a killer - but if anyone was capable of it, it would be Discord. I think Luna and Celestia could kill, but they would never starve someone to death. But, yeah, it is probably a bit OOC.

For the Best: Destiny cares more about Twilight and AJ having enough seats at their wedding than it does about young Granny Smith’s hopes and dreams.

I didn't get that impression at all from the story, honestly; it just seemed to be a happy coincidence. I think the point was more that if you look at things in the way that Celestia did, where you say that things had to work out the way that they did, you have to recognize that it isn't just good things which lead to good outcomes necessarily; sometimes the vagaries of chance which work in your favor were negative events. So simply saying "this is for the best" can be hard, because, well, you don't know; it might not look that way at the moment, or it might. And as nothing ever really ends, you never really know if it really was for the best or not.

Of course, one could also ask if things might have worked out even if they didn't work out exactly the way that they did in this reality, too.

The Color and the Silence: “eating for two”

I think I get why you felt it was weird (as that is usually used for pregnancy) but I've seen it used in this sense regarding the departed before, so I wasn't bothered by it.

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Out of curiosity, what were your favorites overall?

Okay, first 1/4 of my reviews. I'm doing them in ascending order by word count this go, as my new job makes me fear I won't get to finish all of them. For now though, the first six!

Negotiations - Felt a little weird to hear her called "Bloom" instead of something else. Pinkie was... a little too sane, though that was lampshaded. Berry Punch was an interesting choice for mentor though. Overall, well written, even if the ending line tried to push to hard.

Love Call - Okay... poetry. It's not my thing, I confess. I love a good, short poem, if it rhymes and keeps the same scheme. Limericks == win. Long form though... it just feels distracting and prevents me from forming any sort of narrative as breaks appears in the language where my brain says they shouldn't. Also, Wendigo vs Windigo... I always assumed the show was spelling it as a pun for "wind." Those negatives said, I liked the implication, of Chrysalis' redemption, and even some weird polygamy with Shining Armor and Cadence. But all the story I felt came from the explanatory "notes" surrounding the main poetry.

The Sweetest Water - Perfectly captures the form of the ancient fairy tale, complete with the repetition often inherent in the form. That said, for a modern audience, the repetition grows dry pretty fast. I feel it would've been better served to start skipping through the repeated parts faster as the story progressed. The "notes" of explanatory text at the end also felt out of place. Explaining the story and what a reader should take away from it just doesn't sit well with me, even in the guise of "historical documentation."

A Light in the Dark - I really love the ideas in this one, and the sentiments behind them. However, the execution falls far short of the potential. It's extremely dialog heavy, and that dialog, unfortunately, reads like an infomercial or badly translated video game cut-scene. I... I don't mean to be too harsh, but there's just no flow to it, no natural rhythm, even though, word-by-word, it's perfectly acceptable english.

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird - Ah, pulp adventure! The alliteration is just perfectly balanced for this type of thing, though a lot of the sentences try to cram in just one clause too many. Could definitely do with with some periods replacing commas here and there. Likewise, too many (repetitive) proper nouns in place of more descriptive text. Of course I love the message at the end though, but the "inscription" felt a bit too heavy handed. Reading is magic, we get it, Twilight's inscription doesn't have to actually say it.

And Yet... - Another odd choice of form: a series of very short vignettes. I think it relies a lot on the reader sharing the author's exact (or at least compatible) view of characters/worlds shown. For me, it seems to work, and my imagination fills in the gaps left by the actual narrative, even if some of it (Scootaloo) felt really odd. Of course it helps that I'm a sucker for HiE, so had no problem "filling in" the details for Lyra's bit either. Overall, I kept thinking I'd like to see more in each bit, but I also suspect that might make it feel more grating at the scene changes. Needs a fair bit of polish technically too, with glaring typos only a few sentences in, despite other bits feeling quite sophisticated. Suspect a rush job here.

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My top scorer was "Negotiations," followed by "The Color and the Silence" and "The Sweetest Water." Average score was 5.36; median was 5.5.

Part 4/6

Applejack Goes To Magic School For Some Reason: I liked this one. I think the author could have had more fun with how AJ was managing to stay despite not being magical, but it was still enjoyable. I think the tone needs work, as I had a hard time picturing them as foals since their speaking patterns and general behavior fit their adult selves. There was quite a few times that we had to ignore obvious questions like: Why did no one in her family know that unicorns had horns? Why didn't they bother to check at the school? Why did they allow other applicants into a room for individual testing? I also didn't care for the AU element of it all. I think it would have been more fun working around that, like she was there after the CMC episode and it was Twilights first day at school. Twilight seems pretty OOC at the end for holding a grudge for that long, but I realise it was for a quick joke. Though having AJ hold a grudge about Twilight getting her kicked out of magic school and feeding Twilight so many apple snacks she is almost sick as revenge would have been more amusing IMO.

Parental Attachment: I don't know if this one was supposed to feel humorous or dark. The story was hard to follow with frequent changes in time and setting and it left me mostly confused. There are so many stories now about scootaloos parents that even if you have a unique idea it still feels like its been done before, regardless of whether she is an orphan/has parents/is adopted/a vampire/has changeling parents/is an eldritch abomination. Poison joke is also used as a way for the author to not have to explain anything which is bad since the story should be about what is happening. In the end if it was a comedy I didn't laugh and if it was a take on her living situation it didn't explain enough.

Mark of Destiny: I don't like HiE. They all seem to be about the same types of things, just with different main characters, so going in I was unenthusiastic. After two the three thousand words in I gave up and stopped. It felt like it didn't want to be too series, but also didn't want the humorous elements to be way out there. A lot like 'Idiocracy' where the world itself feels off and unlikely, but we are pulled to accept it because the main character does. Still, I didn't finish it so not going to review it or vote on it.

Farsighted: Me: Hey guy, what are you thinking about?
Guy: Oh, just gravity!
Me: Gravity? Did you fall or something?
Guy:Nope! Just, what are the odds that all the atoms and elements came together at just the right distance from just the right type of star and had just the right type of climate to form life and it all evolved all the way up to this moment? It's extremely unlikely, and it's all thanks to gravity that it happened!
Me: Well as a particular individual chance among all the others yeah, but in aggregate its actually very good odds of that happening.
Guy: Oh! Well that makes sense!
Me: Why are you yelling?
Guy: I don't know!
Me: Wanna go to Chipotle?
Guy: Hell yeah!

The first thing that you should do is go through and replace all of the exclamation marks with periods. Best to not have exclamation marks on the two to three instances (if that, really no need for them at all) that might warrant them, than to make it appear that everyone has the sudden urge to yell constantly. The general flow of the story is nice, and a talk about stopping and appreciating the moment (though why its called farsighted when really you are appreciating the now I'll never know) is necessary sometimes. What doesn't work is that she chose to describe it as magic. In our world it works, because magic is used to describe the impossible or things that we can't yet understand. It isn't a quantifiable element and a part of everyday life like it is in their world. So using magic to describe it is like using gravity as a vague explanation of life on Earth and appreciating the now. I also didn't care for Twilight needing her doll to sleep, since she had to dig it out of the chest just to use it for her crazy episode, but that's nitpicking.

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Part 2 3633370
Part 3 3634325

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I've got some time to read a few more stories, so here's my thoughts as I read.

Applejack Goes To Magic For Some Reason: Absurd comedy is always fun. It requires quite a bit of suspended disbelief, but just about all of the coincidences are explained and the character interactions were solid. I like watching filly Twilight break down as all her dreams are crushed.

Negotiations: Pinkie keeps alternating between being completely in-character and a bit too serious (there's a sort of mock-serious that she does sometimes in the show, but here there's just a few lines of dialogue that don't seem quite right). But I do like the different examples of "earth pony magic" that are described, and they seem to be in-line with what little has been hinted at in canon.

Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Air: The magical technobabble definitely sounds like Twilight, but I also realized that I had no idea what she was trying to accomplish. Actually, I feel like a lot of the description in the narration itself bogs down the action. Magical effects and auras as they appear on the show can be hard to describe in writing. Later on you have a "musical number gets interrupted" joke, but again, that's something that works better in the cartoon than in a written story. I think you're adding too many characters, and I can't tell why they are there and what the plan is to solve their problem. Try to trim down the story, simplify the narration and make it clearer what's going on.

Friendship is not Magic: I like that this story feels like more of an "epic fantasy" but Spike and Twilight still have the same great dynamic that they have in the show. The tone is pretty good throughout, but Twilight using the phrase "villain of the week" is too much of a fan-speak term. It's not something that sounds right in-universe (especially when the tone of the story is more mature). Overall, though, this was very well-written and I like the world building.

Dawn: So it looks like it's just a conversation between young Celestia and Luna. The dialogue is cute and well-written. I can't think of much else to say about this one. It's a nice story and I got a real sense of their sisterly bond.

A Light in the Dark: It's pretty interesting to see Celestia's feelings towards Nightmare Night before Luna's return. There's a hint of sadness without the tragedy being too heavy-handed. Like the previous story, though, it's mostly just a conversation, and while the character interaction is good I just don't feel like very much actually happened and there could have been a bit more insight on the characters' relationships, as well as what the stars meant.

That's all I have time for right now, I'll see if I can finish the rest of them in one more post later on.

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Oops, guess I missed that! Guess I'll edit my review, but no real harm done, I guess--it's not like that was the biggest takeaway I had from the story. It would be nice, though, to either do more with the other ponies, or just not try to bring them in at all, and make this a two-pony/zebra thing from the start.

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A Light in the Dark: aand that's two strikes. Like you say, though, same thought applies, even if I got the day wrong when I wrote my reviews up.

The Color and the Silence: I'd only ever heard that phrase used to refer to pregnancy, so even though I was sure that wasn't what was intended, it still threw me. It might be a regional thing, or maybe I just need to get out more.

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I suspect you haven't encountered it because it is, I think, a fairly old idea, but more or less the thought is that if you and someone else went to war together or whatever, and your buddy died saving you, you were living not only for yourself, but for your buddy who gave their life to save yours. So whenever you'd be eating, you weren't just eating for yourself, but for them. Whenever you smoked, you'd be smoking not only for yourself, but for them. Ect.

It is sort of a guilt/honor thing, that you should live your life fully because someone else can't now.

Okay, part one of reviews! I shoved the list through random.org so I'd get a unique story order, as most seem to be doing First -> Last and I wanted to shake it up a bit! Also I just learned spoiler tags on Fimfic don't persist through paragraphs. Tsk.

Farsighted - A 'Twilight is oblivious' story which definitely has an amusing premise. The direction it's going is obvious as soon as the real conflict is introduced, and it plays that completely straight, with an amusing foible or two. I can see Twilight doing this, even if I feel she shouldn't fall into such an obvious mental pit; it's like 'Works, yet strains credulity a little'. All told, decent entry.

Negotiations - Pinkie Pie is great from moment one, and the Grasshopper joke made me laugh, because it's a very Pinkie twist on a famously (over)used line. 'Party Pony' magic coming at the cost of sanity is all interesting. And what a well-done last few lines. A solid, well-written piece that makes Equestria a more vibrant place.

Applejack Goes to Magic School for Some Reason - Immediately leaps out with filly AJ's point of view being well-crafted. The idea she has no idea what a Unicorn is is...odd, though. Assuming she's round Twilight or the CMC's age, not knowing about the 3 sorts of ponies seems difficult to accept. AJ's hat meaning nopony realizes she's an earth pony is only layer one on all this amusing comic farce. And poor Twilight Sparkle, through all of it. Story made me giggle, though on the criticism angle, that's all it has going for it - it's giggle-funny, but it's all sugar. A delight, but one that's a bit airy.

Oubliette - Not sure how I feel about this one. It tries to paint Tirek as sympathetic, a victim of abuse, and depicts him going mad. The madness aspect certainly works, no question about that. And Discord being malicious enough to find a loophole to deal with Tirek once and for all, I certainly accept. In the end, I think the weakest part for me is the 'Tirek is the way he is due to a bad upbringing' which, while an idea one could do, doesn't seem to quite congeal for me. Still, the depiction of insanity was a definite plus.

Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Air - A small error in 'until Celesta comes dump you whole little experiment in the sun.' - should be your. That disjointed me at first, yet the story rapidly began to spiral into a delightful 'Lower Decks' sort of episode. Luna as a saboteur occurred as an idea, or Trixie for some unusual reason, or Chrysalis - but I wasn't sure who, or why, until the end. The Songweaving in the story really fits the tale as a whole - the author took a bunch of disparate elements and managed to harmonize them into a very well-crafted piece.

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird - Right away, this story leaps unapologetically into pulpy adventure, and absolutely revels in it. I found it interesting how Daring never really acknowledges Ginger; she's immersed in the story, and while the ending is sweet and definitely strongly hints it's in her imagination, I can see other possible interpretations. The 'flashback' is a little dragging, and I wish the Valley had had more depiction. But - well, cute, and 'magic of reading' is one close to my heart.

Feel - I have a soft spot for anything that manages to resurrect G1-era material without doing it in a hamfisted way. This does so admirably. It also obviously follows on the oft-popular 'Changelings are corrupted Flutter Ponies' theory - whether Glitter Dust is meant to be Chrysalis, or Chrysalis is her descendent is unknown. What warped Flutter to Changeling is unknown. And it doesn't really matter, because this ends in a way that suggests there is a far greater adventure to come, and one I hope we get to see written.

Waiting - Humans! That is first impression. Second is that while it is painting an interesting world-picture, it is stumbling due to several grammatical/word usage errors that mar the reading experience. Okay, so Equestria is a computer sim. Fine, though the MLP:FiM there does have a case of forcing an acronym that becomes a square peg round hole scenario. Similarly, scientists quoting Star Trek - things feel like they are trying too hard to be clever, but it comes off as unnaturally so. Things like this are very easy to insert in dissonant fashion, so to the author, I would suggest being more careful about such in the future, because instead of being a fun little bonus for the story, it ends up weakening it. The actual world is definitely an interesting one, and the ending of mother-daughter has seeds lain in just the right ways to work. For the story as a whole - interesting concept, maybe a bit of a strain on the prompt since the 'magic' element appears to be mother-daughter love. The story does however need a solid edit job to fix some structural and grammar issues, as without those I would be giving it a significantly higher score.

A Light in the Dark - I'm confused by the choice of present tense. It's somewhat jarring and feels out of place. A very direct use of the prompt, of course. And I do like taking new spins on 'The stars shall aid in her escape' as I've had my own spin on that whirling around in my head for a few years now. Still, the story doesn't quite click for me, for some reason, despite it having no glaring flaws.

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On 'Waiting', I've never watched the star trek show and have only seen the two newest movies and didnt recognize anything from those so now am curious what was the quote?

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"The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, which is one of Spock's moust famous lines."

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Oh, I just assumed he had a high school english teacher who liked to put quotes from books everywhere. Including that one from 'A Tale of Two Cities'. I didn't know it was in the Star Trek show.

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Hah. Well there you go, my pop culture is better than my high culture, it seems

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It's okay, Spock said it better.

In all fairness, the idea has been around for absolute ages, and it is simply a very nice way of phrasing it. I'm sure a lot of folks simply assume it is a folk expression, and to be fair, it kind of is at this point.

Man, what a weird crop of stories. <.< Like, seriously, there wasn't a single one that didn't just have some odd about it, usually ineffable, even the ones I really liked. I even stopped mentioning it after a while because it seemed to be a Thing this time around.

"But Present," you wheedle through the Mountain Dew-flavored crust on your teeth, "aren't you the connecting factor among all these stories? Maybe you're the one who's odd."

"Not so," I declare, Naga-laughing into the back of my hand, "for you have forgotten one important detail: the prompt also connects all these stories! Therefore I can blame it for any overarching sense of oddity afflicting these stories! My plan is flawless!" There is more Naga-laughing. I'm very dramatic and also an anime character, it would seem.

No spoilers this time since we seem to be in the big leagues now and also I'm too lazy to go add them back in.

Love Call: I assume the lack of meter, rhyme, or any other traditional poetic device beyond stanzas is meant to suggest translation from the old language. While true-to-life, that doesn’t make for riveting poetry. Granted, some structure would have been appreciated; you don’t even have even numbers of lines in each stanza, which begs the question, why bother writing a poem at all? I mean, there’s lots of good imagery here, it reads pretty well as just a story, and I dig the super-future setting of the framing story, so it’s hardly bad. Nevertheless, the second half, with its Ozymandias callout, is, I think, far stronger than the first, making the whole thing unbalanced.

Stallion Whose Name I Forgot: I wrote up a big thing while reading this and then had to delete it all because the ending changed everything. The fairy tale, more like mythic epic, feeling really grows on you, but I was sort of expecting something like that to happen. Everything was too symbolic, too self-aware, for it to be otherwise. That said, I’m not sure I quite get the very end. To sum the whole thing up, Rarity goes to Prance, meets a guy, helps him cheat on his fiancee, goes back home, gives up writing for fashion, either meets him again or meets a stallion who looks enough like him that he spurs her memories (given that he cheated on his fiancee, it’s entirely reasonable to suspect that is him and he’s just lying to her), goes to Canterlot, gets some drugs that have a bad reaction with wine, or just with her, and ends up having a heart attack. But I’m not sure what the question was; I think that’s what I’m missing. It’s somewhere in there, but I can’t find it, and that bothers me. I guess she’s having trouble using her normal tactics to fill the order because the stallion is so similar to the one she’s forgotten? Anyway, I like the lecture on the nature of beauty, I’m a little unsure of the sex scene (just because I was surprised she was wearing a skirt), and this needs scouring for tense shifts and other typos. But I think I like it a bit more than this writeup makes it sound.

Waiting: I had to keep checking the URL because this felt more like reading an SCP tale than ponyfic. But “Mental Learning Project”? “Freedom of Intellect and Maturity”? Really? I just wanted to give up, and tying everything so directly to the show made the ending easy to guess. I have to agree with the grumpy old gentleman: we didn’t need a history lesson. A more organic method of setting the scene would have been preferable. You honestly may have been better off writing this as a Friendship Is Optimal story, for all that the end result is pretty similar. This isn’t bad (it needs proofreading), I just don’t even. (And Pascoite says I’m a “risk-taker”.)

And Yet...: I got stuck on “in a family way”. It’s not like I haven’t heard it before, it’s just so… outmoded that I couldn’t deal with it. After the weirdness of Waiting, it was more than I could handle somehow. And here’s to you, Mrs. Robin’s son. I wish Scootaloo’s part hadn’t been entirely telling. I also wish there was some explanation here for why things are happening — you just toss in “oh yeah, ponies can go to earth now” like it ain’t no thang — or how these scenes are related beyond that final line. I can’t really even say this is a “story”.

Homecoming: This just barely sits on the line of good Zecora dialogue; lately I’ve been reconsidering my criteria for what that is, given that she doesn’t speak with perfect meter in the show. Still, “Zecky”? I don’t think so. Not to mention that entire first scene is a really unnecessary, not to mention misleading, setup. All it would take is a paragraph to explain why Twilight is joining Zecora in going to her homeland, and then I wouldn’t think the story was going to be about fruit bats. (Or curse you for reminding me of that awful episode.) Points for using Swahili well. (I can still read it somewhat!) Once I figured out a few details, like why Clear Cut doesn’t rhyme and has a pony-like name, I rather enjoyed the world-building. Honestly, having a Canterlot-born zebra be a more intermediary gateway between pony and zebra culture is really clever. I’m really not liking the play format, though. Aside from just the formatting of it, it stops the narrative cold (I must admit, I skipped over parts of it and was much more interested in Twilight’s reactions at the end). The ending is a bit weak, but aside from that, the opening, and a few shaky rhymes, this is a pretty solid piece.

Three and a Half Seconds: This takes a real quick trip from “yay, macaroni art!” to absofuckinlutelycrazytown. This has a really nice, creepy atmosphere to it, but I’m honestly not sure what was going on. Sweetie was trapped in some kind of time loop, and… did Apple Bloom join her? If so, why was she the only one moving around? I can see that Apple Bloom was really the one in trouble, but it doesn’t make any sense. Also, too obsessed with pee. After the second mention in a story, one starts to wonder.

Just One More: The tone in this is very weird. I can’t get a good feel for it. I like that bit about why experiments need to be done in the lab; I question the one about getting too “large”, specifically the quote marks. Is that meant to be foreshadowing? I’m sorry I don’t have much to say about this story other than “it’s weird”. I mean, everything up to this point has been weird in one way or another, but this takes the cake.

A Light in the Dark: This is a little flat overall, but I feel like you’ve hit on a really good characterization for Celestia. The single candle vigil, that she left the stars in place, that all really speaks volumes about her. The conversation about the prophecy was a little… okay, it’s not that bad, honestly. It’s a neat take on the idea. This just needs some snappier dialogue, and less telling at the start.

Dawn: A lengthy conversation about proper usage of EME pronouns only highlights how stilted the dialogue in this is. You’ve sprinkled it with words like “mayhaps” without much consistency, and it’s got no flow. Despite being a language geek, I can’t say I found it terribly interesting, either, if only because Luna keeps on repeating herself. The parts about destiny and old pony prejudices I found far more compelling. The part about the pony with the crown cutie mark is an excellent piece of side-character building, and overall this does a lot to set up Celestia and Luna’s personalities for the future.

Friendship Is Not Magic: I wish some signal had been given early on to cement this as being in the future. I really struggled to place Spike and couldn’t be sure until Twilight woke up in the cave. I feel like “the nature of magic” is well-trodden ground by this point, and this really isn’t adding anything new to the idea, but this is at least going about it interestingly, even if I’m not one for long, philosophical conversations. On that note, you could stand to do something about the talking heads. I do like the reveal of the “extra word” though.

Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Air: I’m sorry this is the closest anyone got to “There’s magic in the treetops, and there’s magic in the vale”. :( It’s been stuck in my head since the prompt was revealed. The thing that gets me about this: why the hell was Maud just standing there for them to find her? It smacks of really wanting a bunch of side characters to get together and save the main ones, and is rather transparent. The same thing goes with Soarin just happening to show up. Sweetie’s role in the whole thing is just bizarre, and what she’s actually doing is kind of cheesy. I think my problem with this story is I can’t sum it up as one idea. It’s a whole passle of random thoughts strung together in a way that doesn’t really work. (The whole thing being a setup is, I’m sorry to say, just not a good idea at all, especially not with Luna as the villain.) There are some errors in the writing, but honestly it’s the conceptual problems that keep me from liking this.

Negotiations: “Cheese and I are crazy.” That right there sums up everything I like about this. Pinkie being serious in this manner is kind of off-putting, yet she’s entirely self-aware. Philosophizing the nature of party ponies as a class is something I appreciate. Also, there’s a lot of funny stuff in this, like the grasshopper joke. Usually, I find stories about earth pony magic tedious as hell (stupid mudponies need to learn their place, after all) but this one manages to pull it off somehow. I mean, Berry Punch as a fruit necromancer? This kinda feels like the start of something larger, but I don’t not like it.

Applejack Goes to Magic School for Some Reason: I think I know who wrote this, because I’m pretty sure I heard the story idea somewhere in a chat. It’s so stupid. It’s so magical. This is a brilliant inversion of show canon and a hilarious comedy of errors, and I love everything about it. It will be a pleasure to lose to this story. :D

Parental Attachment: Something about those parents seems familiar, hmm… :V Oh my god, it’s this story. You’re darn right I like it. Needs a little more work on the ending, but hot damn.

Mark of Destiny: What in the hell. What a freaky idea for an Earth/Equestria interaction story. I was surprised that I liked Lyra’s role. What’s amazing me is that this takes a track of “humans would ruin Equestria” without taking that to mean they would wage war against it or nuke it. This is a really remarkable and surprising piece, one of the best HiE’s I’ve ever read, and the best Friendship Is Optimal-style sci-fi I’ve read since FiO itself. And the best part is Discord’s epic face palm. I think you can drop the second-person in the final scene, though. Actually, I wish Mark had taken one of the two decisions, or else the ending had been open-ended as to which he took. The third option strikes me as making him far more tabula rasa as a character, and juxtaposed against a characterless "you", well, that's far less character than this story really needs.

Farsighted: Once again, an author decides to fake the reader out. :/ I was all set to watch Twilight have an “adult conversation” with Big Mac about dolls (and I’m not even meaning the innuendo, here) and instead that’s just a setup for a discussion of metaphorical magic. I mean, honestly, this whole thing could have been avoided if Applejack had just used a different word. I can’t say I appreciate the deceptive opening, nor the story itself, which is a shame, because I can’t really find any fault in the writing.

Oubliette: I think my problem with this is that he’s often a little too self-aware to really sell the craziness. Lines like “I start gnawing on my leg absent-mindedly” are what I mean. Tirek losing his mind in Tartarus is definitely worth writing about, and I love the ending, this just needs more attention to word choices. (And a few less Monty Python quotes, I should think.)

For the Best: I wish this had just been a conversation between Celestia and Granny Smith. That part was great, but I’ve never really cared about TwiJack and the wedding planning seems pointless in the face of Granny complaining about castles, which I found far more interesting. The narrative toward the beginning could use some sprucing up, too. Mostly, you’re gonna have to sell me on the ship to really make this story work.

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird: Huh. I was kind of wondering if that wasn’t where this was going. Sadly, I can’t say I was too interested in Ginger. I liked the parts where she was thinking about Calamity Marigold (actually, “Calamity Mane” was mentioned in The Last Roundup!), and I expected the narrative would be getting at her trying to emulate one hero to impress another and failing at both or something. The imagery is good, but really I wanted more Daring Do than Ginger Sprout.

The Color and the Silence: Well, that was unexpected. I’m not sure how well the ending fits with the scene from Cutie Mark Chronicles, but I can’t say I’ve ever seen this idea done before. I think I get what you were going for with the “eating for two” line, but that’s definitely not the first thing that came to mind and the mental whiplash was distracting. Also, I can’t help but think, well, there’s a lot of audio imagery in the tower scene — for the “silence” — but where’s the “color”? You forgot half your metaphor! :B

The Sweetest Water: This is a really interesting sort of fairy tale. I can’t say I’ve seen one where doing something like slaking thirst would entrap the protagonist in an enchantment, and that lends a certain weightiness to his refusals. Oddly, I also really like the ending note, making this into a historical tract told in a folktale manner. Really good stuff!

Feel: Flutter ponies, really? We’ve already got Breezies (and from the opening description, I thought they were changelings). Well, at least you kept Rosedust as their queen. This could stand a more varied name pool: Glitter Song and Glitter Dust (and Star Dust, for that matter) gets confusing. It’s too bad this just stops. What happened to Glitter Dust? :/

Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope: I feel dumb that it took me halfway through the story to figure out that the “skeeters” were related to what was going on. I mean, I expected them to be important, given how much attention was paid to them, but that could have resolved any number of ways. Not to mention Applejack is hardly the sort to foment revolution of this sort (I had HitlerJack flashbacks D:). I totally didn’t figure it out, though. The laundry! What? Coulda done without the journal entry, but damned if this isn’t one of the finest examples of first-person I’ve ever read. I mean, I could tell it was Applejack before any of the tells showed up, and you kept that consistent through the entire thing. Even when I was busy questioning what was going on, this was a pleasant read. I am quite impressed.

Top five:
Applejack Goes to Magic School for Some Reason
Mark of Destiny
Parental Attachment
Negotiations
Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope
(with an HM for Sweetest Water, since I gave it the same score as Tumbling)

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Re: the poetry...

With free verse, you don't have to rhyme, and don't have to keep to any sort of consistent meter. What you should do is use that freedom to create lines which effect your desired cadence (epic, "natural," whatever), and which feel natural and deliberate when spoken. At least, that's what's generally looked for--poets are like any other artists, and there's always some subversion, inversion, revision, or tribute to the form which stands as an exception, and which accumulates its own exceptions to what it's doing, to the point where it's impossible to say anything hard and fast.

With Love Call, I thought the author did a nice job of making each line feel like a separate line--I don't remember ever wondering why a phrase was split here rather than there--but when I tried to read it, I found a lot of phrases didn't parse comfortably, or where the pattern of stressed and unstressed syllables didn't seem to match up with the flow of the line itself. That's where I was encountering problems with it, myself.

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It just didn't really feel like poetry other than using somewhat poetic language. It could have been written as an overblown lyrical epic instead, with normal line breaks, and had more or less the same impact.

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Three and a Half Seconds

Apple Bloom was the one in the coma all along, and she was hallucinating about her position being reversed; rather than being the only one who was hurt, she was the only one who could help.

I think I agree with the other person who said that the ending makes the rest of the story feel weird because of the random disconnect.

Applejack Goes to Magic School for Some Reason

I concur with the esteemed assessement of my colleague.

Parental Attachment: Oh my god, it’s this story.

I don't get this. Did someone mention it in a chat or something?

Oubliette

Do you think it would be better if they had him chewing on the food that he found, rather than naming what the food was but implying auto-cannibalism? I'm not sure if that would make it stronger or not, but it might make it a bit more horrifying with the reveal. The problem is that the reveal is already pretty good so I'm not sure that revealing it then would really improve the story.

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird: I wanted more Daring Do than Ginger Sprout.

Alas, the problem with a lot of fanfiction.

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"I'm not a big fan of free verse," said the author of the highest rated poetry collection on the site, which is almost all modernist free verse poetry. "And no, I'm not a hypocrite, why do people keep asking me that question?"

A lot of what drives poetry in my mind is the beauty of language, and while you don't have to use a rhyme or meter or anything else to achieve that, it still needs to sound a certain way (in my mind) to really be good poetry. A lot of free verse doesn't really work for me at all in that regard.

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Stallion Whose Name I Forgot:

helps him cheat on his fiancee

Don't know if that is a fair characterization, more like fell naively into love with a charismatic jerk. "Help" implies knowing assistance, but she was more "used" than being an assistance.

I guess she’s having trouble using her normal tactics to fill the order because the stallion is so similar to the one she’s forgotten

I think it was an allegory for losing ones creative spark and trying to find it again, with the stallion bringing up memories of when she felt she first lost it. Though I could be wrong due to the concussion I got from the author beating me over the head with it.

Waiting: What does "SCP" stand for?

Homecoming:

Still, “Zecky”? I don’t think so.

Yeah, that felt odd to me. Like it would be a racial slur in that world for zebras.

Friendship is not Magic:

I wish some signal had been given early on to cement this as being in the future.

Was it set in the future? I assumed it was less than a year after Tirek.

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Did someone mention it in a chat or something?

I know who wrote it. Well, I think I do anyway. I could just be nuts.

naming what the food was but implying auto-cannibalism?

Wait, he was eating food?

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"Help" implies knowing assistance

I just didn't have a quick shorthand ready. :B

SCP

Was it set in the future? I assumed it was less than a year after Tirek.

I literally have no idea. I got the sense that Spike was partially grown, at least taller than Twilight.

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Did you miss him eating his own fingers?

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No, he did that and was chewing on his leg. I took that at face value!

Okay, next seven reviews, in ascending order of word count.

Oubliette - Well written prose, but lacked a hook for me. I wasn't interested in the story until the very end, and it felt needlessly dark. Then the epilogue happens and it literally explains everything for us, breaking the cardinal rule of "show don't tell." It also just felt forced, though I did somewhat enjoy Discord's attitude and the way he took care of what he saw as a problem. Still though, I can't say I really enjoyed the rest of the dark bits. Felt like "Saw."

Feel - Some real grammatical problems on this one. It jumps tenses, loses subject-verb agreement, etc. Despite that, I was hooked almost immediately. The characters are well done, likable, but not overly perfect. The setting too, the idea of Equestria being the "lost" kingdom, thinking the world is dead, and all that. Well done! Really piqued my interest and had me smiling right along with the characters by the end.

Just One More - I really loved the slightly irreverent tone as this one opened, and the central question is quite intriguing as well. I was two thirds through the piece, thinking it'd be one of my top candidates, when it went all dark. Worse, it wasn't really dark, it was... beige. It was just uncaring, accidental genocide without much of any explanation, besides the vague sense that Twilight is now unable to think correctly, even though she was highly scientific a moment before.

The Color and the Silence - Very interesting take on the first rainboom episode. I like the behind the scenes glimpse, that Celestia herself is manipulated by forces beyond her ken. The narrative remains a bit too vague overall though. While I get that the mystery is the point, as a reader, I want to get more explanation. Still though, an enjoyable read.

Farsighted - I'm sorry, but Twilight's characterization in this just kept rubbing me the wrong way. It was clear from the very beginning that it was just a semantic difference in what AJ meant by "magic", yet the entire rest of the story revolves around Twilight being too dense to realize that a word can be something other than literal. It might have worked with a filly Twilight set some years ago, but the current day Twilight... well, it just feels extremely out of character, and kept me from enjoying the story.

Parental Attachment - Well that was just all KINDS of weird. Good though, in its way. I figured out the answer about halfway through, though the details were nice to see fleshed out (no pun intended.) It was an interesting read that kept my attention. However, my main complaint is that I can't really see any association with the theme/prompt, and that partly makes me suspect that it may have been written in advance (especially with Halloween coming up) and just shoehorned in here.

Dawn - Beautiful, elegant, cute. In short, an absolutely wonderful story that was a true joy to read. I loved the young sisters, the characters and words just perfectly done. The story story/plot, as it were, excellent as well. If I had but one complaint, it's that the ending was a foregone conclusion, as we know Celestia's mark and talent already. If I had a second, it's that the prompt of the contest doesn't stand out very strongly. Regardless of that, an excellent and enjoyable story.

Next round! 13 down, 10 to go!

Friendship is Not Magic - This is a very well done encounter between Twilight and a creature that truly captures that so difficult 'ancient beyond imagining' feel that few are able to do, and the ending reveal that they have spent the entire conversation resting with Ferros's mouth is quite the cap to the tale. The only reason I do not rate it higher as that I admit, I do not understand what Twilight learned, exactly. It is left dangling just a little out of reach, and looking back I can't seem to see what I may have missed. Perhaps there is no answer, but either way it leaves a vague bit of dissatisfaction to an otherwise excellent entry.

Mark of Destiny - This one is just...strange. It presents an entirely intriguing idea, that humans with Cutie Marks become turbocharged, and then promptly posits that the Powers that Be would find a way to fuck over Earth and Equestria for their own profit, which is terrifyingly realistic. And Mark's journey is a great one, where he realizes he cannot be Luke, but he can find Luke. At the same time...the final Cutie Mark is just absurd, and I wish it had been represented better, because it takes away from the rest of an otherwise great tale. Basically, having it be something more figuratively representative would have done wonders. Lastly, though I agree that it makes sense humans have more innate versatility than ponies, that Celestia & Twilight would be so incredibly outmanuevered strikes me as a bit contrived, just because I see them as much more capable than to fall into such traps.

For the Best - This one really really clicks for me. It's a good luck into how life itself is a complicated melange of bad and good, and how fortune may be born of misfortune - and that, ultimately, while we may wish those misfortunes would not have had to happen, we wouldn't change a single bit if we could, because without them something even more precious would be lost.

Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope - Okay, this story pretty much derails instantly for me when it turns into 'Applejack the Stereotypical Social Justice Warrior' and tries to take something that is a genuine issue and then turn it into Strawman : The Fanfiction. Even though there is a 'magic' reason for turning ponies into walking mouthpieces, it's still trying to take a jab at an actual serious issue by taking the most fringe elements of it and painting them as the entire picture so it can ignore the actual real issues that exist and are uncomfortable to face. I really don't want to bring a social issues discussion into this contest, but suffice to say that despite this story's technical competence, it's ruined by its fundamentally flawed premise.

Part 5/6

Oubliette: I'm going to first mention that I have not seen the Tirek episode as I had stopped watching the show around the first third of season 4, as such I don't know his character behaviour from the show except for the fight I watched on youtube. That being said, Tirek is a wuss. I like the descent into madness after a defeat and re-incarceration, but for someone like him I thought it would come from the emotion of anger and rage, not depression and sadness. I wanted his anger to blind him to his current circumstances and he loses himself in his delusions for revenge, slowly wilting away as he thinks himself gaining power. The Discord at the end was unnecessarily dark as others have said. It should have been them looking into the room at Tirek as a former shell of himself, muttering away about his triumphant return while they regret their inability to save him from himself. This ending instead decided that torture and cruel and inhumane treatment counted as justice. Maybe that was the point, to show that discord had not changed and was just as cruel as Tirek, but since we don't have any hints at this if it was, then I'm to assume it wasn't.

For the Best: This one had the same general premise as Farsighted. I think this handled it much better, but still had some questionable decisions. Why is Applejack so hung up on not getting help from Twilight? That doesn't make them appear like an engaged couple, that makes them appear like season 1 friends. Is she not gonna accept Twilights money to buy groceries or house appliances, or is it just business expenses? Just made the pairing hard to accept.

“I see,” Celestia said, her eyes wide. “I’m sorry.”

“Are ya’ now?” Granny raised an eyebrow.

“Yes, of course.’ Celestia said sincerely. “I never like to hear of misfortune befalling my ponies.”

Granny fixed her with a questioning look. “Would ya’ have wanted it to happen different?”

This is an example of the flawed premise of it all. Just because a specific set of circumstances lead to a single event, it does not mean it was the only path there. Just because you are happy with the now, doesn't mean you can't be sorry for tragedies of the past nor does it mean that you are happy that they occurred. The now is about acceptance. As we do not know how things would be different if those events had changed nor have the power to change them, whether it had been for better or worse, we simply have to accept them and make the most of the outcome. So I agree that we should be grateful for our boons and look for the silver lining, but in response to Granny Smiths last question on tragic events I will always answer, "Yes".

Daring Do and the Jade Songbird: You forgot to make Daring injure her wing so she couldn't fly over the pool of killer fish, so now it looks like Daring just likes to play chicken with death. I think this one did too little with its own idea. We get a generic build up with a generic adventure setting all for a reveal that it was a child reading a book all along. It was the wordy version of those library posters that had a book open and pictures of where it could take you. There was no plot, no rising or falling action, no character growth just exposition and twist ending. Could have taken it further with the 6k words still available to use by showing how the story impacted her world view. Maybe have her playing out the adventure more and showing the morals that the story imparted upon her had an impact in how she acted and treated others. What this story needed was more.

The Color and the Silence: I'm not quite sure why the tower was supposed to be threatening. It was made when Canterlot was created and somehow came to be alive or house some sort of bored divine being. From what I gathered it just predicts the future with vague stained glass windows and Celestia tries to decipher them to better help ponies. Does it do this with every little event, or is it just the major ones? Why is Celestia so afraid of it if all it does is predict the future? Sure for us that is terrifying, to know for sure what will come and how our destiny is set, but Celestia is immortal so the effect is greatly reduced. We have a hint at the consequences of not listening to it, something about a city and a bad thing happening, but the urgency and fear of inaction is not specifically justified to us. I'm still stuck on why the story has almost sinister undertones, yet the actual events and explained reasons are relatively benign. Your eldritch god appears to have no tentacles.

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Hey, you reviewed For the Best twice! :O

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Oh shit, your avatar looks too much like Morning Sun's apparently. D: Sorry.

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And let's see if I can finish the rest of these reviews all at once.

Just One More: I like the tone of the narration. Twilight's thoughts and feelings come out well despite the almost total lack of dialogue, but I can't help but wonder if this story might work even better in first person. It started out fairly playful and funny but ended surprisingly dark. Especially that last line. I wasn't expecting it to end right there, but it's incredibly effective.

Three and a Half Seconds: There was just enough surreal stuff going on that I expected a twist, but I wasn't sure what it was going to be. I did find it somewhat odd that it's hard to tell where the "dream" started, or what happened to Apple Bloom that made her end up in a coma. Maybe she could have a vague memory of whatever happened to her, but remember it as happening to Sweetie Belle instead.

Homecoming: A few of Zecora's rhymes are off, and it's awkward to read a conversation with two characters talking normally and one only speaking in rhyming couplets. That's a challenge that comes with writing the character, though. As for the story itself, I feel like everything's a bit too pleasant and there's a lot of small talk. I'm not saying that Zecora's family has to hate her, but some kind of conflict would have made things more interesting. Twilight's supposed to be feeling like an outsider, but I don't really see that. Other than "Bridle Gossip," Zecora tends to not have many problems of her own, and that's always made her less interesting of a character. She's always just the wise mentor. It could have been nice to see Twilight advise Zecora on a problem for a change.

And Yet...: Gah, you've got good stories about Scootaloo and Lyra, so already I'm kind of partial to this... But the story as a whole is very disjointed. I expected Fluttershy's and Scootaloo's stories to tie together, but then you started adding more characters, and I realized they were all separate scenes. If there was a common thread, I didn't see it. The ending really needed to bring all the characters together somehow, but it didn't.

Waiting: Science-fiction HiE just isn't my thing. The whole Equestria-as-a-simulation idea is fairly convoluted, and a lot of the writing is too analytical to get the necessary emotional connection. A lot of the dialogue doesn't sound natural. I did really like the idea that the researchers acted as both Celestia and Nightmare Moon, specifically designing the test so that the "ponies" would win. The concept is nice, but maybe you needed more time to write a story like this, and multiple chapters to break up the exposition dumps.

Stallion Whose Name I Forgot: First off, Applejack knows what the word "hubris" means...? Since Rarity doesn't know Applejack or Fluttershy, this seems to be an AU, but as far as I can tell, the story would have worked fine staying closer to the original canon. It would make sense for Rarity to leave home at some point to study in Prance. And it also would've made more sense for Applejack and Fluttershy to come all this way with Rarity if they were already friends, not strangers who had just met. It's melodramatic but not in Rarity's usual way. Actually, now that I finished it, was this actually all a dream and not an AU? Wouldn't she still recognize her friends, though? And were those memories real or part of the dream? Whatever it is, it's too unclear to tell.

Love Call: I'm not a huge fan of poetry... There were only a handful of images or lines that really stood out. This was certainly something different, but I don't think it worked.

And that's all of them. This was fun for my first writeoff. A lot of very different styles, plenty of different interpretations of the prompt... and a few that seemed to ignore it altogether. Still, it's impressive what we were all able to do in three days (that's the fastest I've ever written a story), and I'm looking forward to seeing the results.

So, in the spirit of Benman, and without any shame whatsoever, I thought I'd present to you...

Unlikely Crossovers: Writeoff Edition

Daring Do and the Mark of Destiny: Only Daring and her trusty sidekick can save Equestria from exploitation by cutie mark-empowered superhumans.

Applejack Goes to Magic School for Three and a Half Seconds: Applejack elects not to wear her hat for the first day of classes.

Stallion Whose Name is a Love Call: Rarity decides that adultery is "How things in Prance are done," and has a fruitful career as a moonstruck poet.

Just One More Negotiation: After tapping into her Earth Pony potential, Twilight can't stop necromancing fruit.

For the Sweetest Water: Just think how different Equestria would have been if Thistletuft had drunk from one of those pools!

Parental Oubliette: Pretty much just Parental Attachment, but with a way darker ending.

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Applejack Goes to Magic School for Three and a Half Seconds: Applejack elects not to wear her hat for the first day of classes.

I chuckled

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I was going to comment on AJ's use of the word "hubris" as well until I got to the end. Then it all kind of makes sense.

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Oh, this is a worthy thing to bring back.

Just One More Negotiation: After tapping into her Earth Pony potential, Twilight can't stop necromancing fruit.

Twilight trying to deal with earth pony magic surges has to be written.

Parental Oubliette: Pretty much just Parental Attachment, but with a way darker ending.

I'm getting so many ideas for this.

Reviews Part 1/?

Finally decided to start on this. Apologies in advance to anyone who thinks that my reviews are a bit too scathing.

1: Love Call
Poetry’s been a sensitive subject for me, primarily because I have no idea what to do with it. That said, I cannot say that I see a proper rhythm or structure here. The poems I read, I liked because they had a clever beauty to their rhymes and imagery. I suppose that this is freeform poetry? Again, can’t say if it’s good or bad. It’s also hard for me to rate this as a story because the format is so distracting. I can’t really follow the logical progression of the story or fully envision the imagery. Instead, all that stands out are the occasional grammar issues.

2: Stallion Whose Name I Forgot
Something tells me that the author didn’t have enough time to develop the story (and heck, it is a pretty complex story, with two halves of the story intentionally written in different tenses): There’s detailed imagery together with obvious typos, the two parallel parts of the story have drastically different quality to them, and a lot of stuff could be made more apparent. I think I see the problem with this story: Too much author involvement, or in other words, the writer had more fun writing than I had reading. Don’t get me wrong, I love love love metaphors, especially when they’re the size of the entire story, but the beauty in metaphors is that they compare things in a subtle way. If there was more meat to the story, more action, more atmosphere, perhaps the symbolism wouldn’t feel so gratuitous.

3: Waiting
Ugh, starting with onomatopoeia. Sorry, but that’s never a good sign. The first few paragraphs of the story are pretty standard for beginning writers: Too much focus on unimportant details, takes too long to get to the meat, plain exposition. But I don’t have problems with that. What I don’t like is how long it took me to connect this story in any way with MLP. I do kinda like the idea if I take it as it is, however, and it does get interesting after a while. Another thing that I don’t like is the rampant punctuation and grammar errors, especially with dialogue mechanics. In the end, I think that the only thing that’s missing here is the author’s experience—I’m sure that this story would have little trouble reaching the top if it avoided beginner’s mistakes and focused more on the MLP setting.

4: And yet…
A quality that I highly enjoy and respect in all forms of art is unity. It means the presence of a connection between the parts of the whole that creates additional meaning—it makes the whole to be greater than the sum of its parts. Without this unity present, the different parts form a collection as opposed to a whole. And what we have here is a collection. These minifics have no connection besides a tenuous thematic one, and thus I cannot judge them as one. Taken by themselves, they also don’t offer much. The sheer amount of exposition and things that we just have to take for granted (like the Scootaloo and Lyra parts), the effect is severely dulled. Add to that some mechanical issues, and my final verdict will have to be a negative one.

5: Homecoming
I like the style, I really do. I like the detailing and the characters. What I hate is that there is no story here. There’s a pleasant stroll through a populated and well-built setting, but there’s no trouble to keep me in it. Only trouble is interesting. Set something troublesome in this backdrop, turn a piece of this paradise into hell, and you’ll have the beginnings of a great story brewing. Do that, and you’ll also get rid of the slow pacing and all the unneeded scenes you have.

6: Three and a Half Seconds
It’s pretty hard to convincingly pull off the “something’s obviously wrong” shtick in prose because it always just pops out at you and becomes obvious. Well, something similar happened here, so I could mostly tell what was going to happen. It’s pretty hard to pull off well, though. What I also don’t like is how much of the writing is empty and doesn’t contribute to the story, like the part where AB makes her way to the bedroom, for example. In other words, the pace needs tightening.

7: Just One More
Intro’s pretty obtuse. We know all that stuff, and repeating how ungentlemanly fate is won’t make the telling any more interesting. Said obtuseness continues throughout the story as we are treated to Twilight’s thoughts in a rather inconvenient and distracting manner. It’s supposed to bring us closer to the character, but it’s really simply annoying. I think that this was written in one sitting as a stream of consciousness. That’s why it takes so long for the story to find itself (and it finds itself in a rather shallow form) and has such gems like Twilight going to the lab despite it being empty “because that’s where experiments are held” and then finding it empty and teleporting outside. Because the story had no idea where it was heading before it started, the dark-ish ending had nothing to support it and fell flat.

8: A Light in the Dark
More slice of life, but again, there is no real conflict or plot to this story. There is a dash of conflict in Celestia’s longing for her banished sister, and it cries out to be developed and used somehow, but it never is. The result is simply unimpressive.

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Re: Stallion Whose Name I Forgot
I think you've got your geography wrong—the river you're think of is Rhine. I think the Reine river in the story is a "Rein" pun on the Seine, which runs through Paris.

In the interests of improving my knowledge of English, where are those tense issues? I had to re-read the story after noticing several people complain about it because I didn't find any on the first read-through, and I still don't see anything wrong there.

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Oooh... I thought Reine was supposed to be a play on Rhine. I guess it works just as well as a play on Seine too, doesn't it?

As for the tense stuff, a couple examples:

"Sure," I say, "let's just ask it."

The chameleon loudly inhaled and increased in size like a balloon, and then let out the air in one croak, and we could clearly hear words in the wet vibrations. "I do."

Going from the present-tense of the scene to past to describe the chameleon's actions, after which it switches back.

Lost in passion, he forgot himself and spoke only Prench. I understood half the words. The other half my imagination filled with words from Cannon and Wolf. After it is done, the duvet is like a bed of hot coals.

A full moon shined through the open window. He is asleep, but I lie for an hour, maybe two, in a trance, feeling something simmer inside me. Then, a spark lighted behind my eyes...

Going from the past-tense of the scene to present (after it is done) to past (a full moon shined (which should be "shone" anyway)) then back to present for one more sentence before returning to past for the rest of the paragraph.

Like I said, it wasn't exactly pervasive, but especially in instances like the second where it's switching back and forth rapidly and repeatedly, it's a very noticeable, distracting type of error.

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Oh, these are always fun...

The Color and Yet...: Celestia wanders through the hall of stained glass windows, each one bringing to mind a brief story of magic that isn't.

Farsighted Homecoming: Zecora invites Twilight to a traditional zebra celebration celebrating the incredible fortune of their very existence.

Feeling the Slippery Slope: Glitter Song is horribly offended after seemingly everypony in Equestria mistakes her for a Breezie.

Hoping to get my reviews posted tomorrow. I've been dawdling on them all week.

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ROYAL STAMP OF APPROVAL

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To continue the trend…
Magic in the Earth, Magic in the Water: With the Mane Six stuck in a time-stop field, a group of unlikely heroes resists the temptations of various magical ponds which promise to save Equestria. Then they go home.

Oubliette whose Name I Forgot: After a life-threatening drug reaction, Rarity finally gets over that one jerk she dated in Tartarus, what was his name, Turok or something.

Threefer!
The Color of Friendship is not For the Best: Tired of taking orders from spooky stained-glass windows, Celestia visits the world's most ancient dragon, who tells her to suck it up and appreciate the crazy improbability of what's happening to her.

Last reviews yay.

Part 6/6

The Sweetest Water: I liked this one. The story itself is rather plain, it doesn't have any new ideas or viewpoints about its chosen topic and, like most folk tales, is straightforward about its message. What really brings this up though is the how it is written. The author tries to have the tone and feel of a moral tale that would be passed down for generations and they nailed it. I was tempted to google search the idea to see if the author had just copied it from somewhere because of how perfectly it imitated one. So as a story its rather lacking and takes no chances, pushing the score down, but from a technical standpoint it hit the target feel it was going for and is the best written story in the contest. If only it was a touch more daring.

Feel: As has been said before the names were confusing. It wasn't so bad at first, but you had three characters with "dust" in their names, one of which was just the first and last names of two of the other characters and got muddled quickly. The story also felt incomplete, more like a prologue than a stand alone. We learn nothing about what the breezies are, what their emotion magic is exactly, why they can use magic crystals and a whole load of other unanswered questions. It does plenty of hinting but since they are not canon characters that we can judge exactly what happens, we are left guessing. The daughter is probably Chrysalis, but really could be a hidden group of flutter ponies south for all we know. Too little info to feel the danger of the leaving or the elation of finding grass (thought it would be the crystal empire but they didn't hit a bubble or mention crystals at all) so this story left little impact on me. The biggest question however, is how does one "Utter Flutter"?

Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope: This was an enjoyable story to read, and may have taken my top vote away from magic school. The idea of a being bitten by a humbug still makes me laugh and the solution just as humorous and relevant. The escalation from a benign observation to full fledge riot felt natural and kept me fully engaged the whole way. The way a legitimate question and concern that could have been resolved with discussion quickly gets buried under anger and the silencing of any opposing views was a good parody of real life issues and the way emotions cloud discussion. There were tons of little tidbits scattered throughout that just added depth to the story. I noticed some spelling and grammar issues but its telling of my interest in the story that it didn't give me pause. After reading some reviews I think this story will be a contender for most controversial but regardless I liked it.

And that is finally all of them. Glad I paced myself this time instead of reading almost all of them in one night :)

Part 1 3632674
Part 2 3633370
Part 3 3634325
Part 4 3637025
Part 5 3641220

Hugbox score: 4.69
Top 4 (since there were ties) in list order not by score: Dawn, Applejack Goes To Magic School For Some Reason, The Sweetest Water, Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope

And the last group! All done!

Stallion Whose Name I forget - Very evocative, maintains the ethereal quality one strives for and feels very much like a certain strand of...19th century literature? It reminds me very much of a certain brand of writing, but I can't recall which. Romantic, perhaps. The story itself - Rarity undergoing a sort of mental inner journey while hospitalized. Really, the only thing I am missing is the meaning of the Phoenix, but other than that...well. Quite enjoyed it, even if I know I haven't yet fully grokked it.

Parental Attachment - This story is uh, very odd. I was figuring Changelings when the odd twist came around, but I guess it was 'Scootaloo is orphan, somehow toxins herself up 'parents', and...I don't know. It doesn't quite come together for me, unfortunately. Also, I really don't see how it fits the prompt.

The Sweetest Water - This is a fun little parable. I don't have a lot to say beyond 'I enjoyed it', other than to add 'Of course, Princess Celestia was only alone for a thousand years, and then she was united once more', but it does a good job relating yet again the timeless lesson that all gifts have their price.

Love Call - I've never really been one for poetry, so that is nothing against the author here, simply that such has a difficult time resonating with me. What I really want to know in all of this is more detail about the world it sculpts out - what happened after the Empire, these Cataclysms hinted at, why time is reckoned 'After Luna', and so forth. That seems like a world worthy of more exploration!

Just One More - 'Fate is a jerk' is a great line. And this goes dark fast. It's disquieting, and leaves one wondering just what happens next, given Twilight has just gone completely off the deep end. Basically, really liked - it demonstrates how easy addiction is. I suppose Celestia is still left to potentially stop her, though. Or make her see reason. One hopes, at any rate.

Homecoming - Hmm! A celebration of things African, and luxuriating in it! I'm curious to know how much is the author and how much is importing from an existant culture - I admit I can't really tell, other than knowing at least the last phrase if lifted off an African proverb.

Dawn - Ooh! Tiny alicorns. Or I suppose not yet alicorns. They are adorable just the same! Luna has a haughty petulance about her in which one can see the nascent Princess, and Celestia already shows her own patient wisdom even in their early years. And it is presented in a wonderful discussion between sisters about choice and fate, one which shows the harmony they have between them, how the differences between each strengthen and inspire the other. And last, a wonderful story of Celestia earning her Cutie Mark. Absolutely loved this one!

The Color and the Silence - The mystery of the Tower remains unsolved, though the box itself seems to be meant to hold the Elements, and of course, today is when a certain Twilight Sparkle makes her mark upon the world. Like with other stories, I love the worldbuilding, and am left with tantalizing questions about the nature of the Tower, whence it came, and what its purpose is!

And Yet... - Each of these little self contained stories is a fun piece in isolation. My only complaint is that they are just that - self-contained stories who only tie together by the thematic element of 'Something sort-of not-quite magical, until the last. It definitely works with the prompt, I definitely enjoyed it, and...and in the end, I suppose the thin thread weaving them together is enough for me to be content with the piece.

Three and a Half Seconds - It strongly hinted the accident was Apple Bloom's from the beginning, but that wasn't a bad thing. It didn't take it away from the core of how the bonds of friendship can spur us onto amazing things, things that may seem impossible or unlikely or miraculous. Really, the only flaw here is just the kinda hammy use of the prompt near the very end - otherwise, well, it brought a tear to the eye with how touching it was.

My reviews are finally done! And if they had been a competition entry, they would have been rejected due to wordcount limit.

… Yeah, I can't keep this up. I'm announcing in advance that I can't do these huge reviews next month, especially since we'll be back to a minific round, and there's going to be more entries to cover. We'll see how I feel in November — probably not then either, if I'm trying to do NaNoWriMo or some pony variant thereof. The good news is that I'll be reclaiming a full week of my month that can be used for more writing time on my long-neglected projects.

>> Reviews posted here at my blog <<
(including a bonus review for a story written for this competition but not submitted)

Worth noting is that my hugbox this round was over a point higher than usual, until I got really aggressive on the normalization, and even so it ended at 5.77 (significantly higher than my cumulative average). Everyone should be proud of themselves; this is is great stuff.

My top three six (I had such a huge cluster at the top that I gave up and overloaded my usual solitary 10-9-8 for first-second-third place):
Negotiations
Applejack Goes To Magic School For Some Reason
Tumbling Down the Slippery Slope
Just One More
A Light in the Dark
Stallion Whose Name I Forgot