Because if that's what you think with, then it's already stopped working. (Semi-SFW topic. No minors, please.) · 5:57pm Jan 8th, 2022
There are certain lesser dangers inherent to being on Twitter, and that's after the constant risk of deciding that when it comes to the human species, extinction no longer looks like a bad option. For starters, you have to deal with Sponsored Tweets -- or, as the rest of the world might want to call them, spam ads. Certain companies pay Twitter to put a given tweet in your timeline. Whether you want it or not. Regardless of whether it's appropriate, applicable, or makes no sense whatsoever.
Today, I met Eddie.
I didn't want to meet Eddie. I could have spent my entire life happily unaware of Eddie's existence. But now I know. And if I've gotta suffer...
Who's Eddie? He's a new treatment for erectile dysfunction. He's revolutionary. In the sense that he's quasi-round and if you spin him, he might revolve.
He requires no prescription. No doctor's appointment. Even better, purchasing Eddie does not involve the firing of a single neuron.
According to the creators, Eddie costs $188 -- as a one-time purchase. However, Eddie gets tired. He needs a break sometimes, or at least to tag in Eddie #2. So you have the option of subscribing to Eddie. If you do so, a new Eddie will arrive at your door every four months. Automatically. Without mercy. For a mere $138 per delivery. And he'll even bring his friend, New Tension Bands!
You may be wondering how Eddie works. Well, he isn't a pill. Eddie is designed as a... let's say, a valve of sorts. Eddie knows that blood flow is important, so he only lets you have the incoming half. Blood goes into a certain body part and doesn't come out. Eddie understands science! But not ruptured capillaries. He's on speaking terms with gangrene, but you're not supposed to ask about his long-term relationships.
The suspicious among you may now be wondering what Eddie looks like.
Now it's understandable if some of you are thinking 'Hey, wait. I can go into any adult sex toy shop and get my own Eddie for about ten dollars.' But you're wrong. You can't. Because Eddie isn't like any of those things. You know how you can tell? Because you can't pay ten dollars for Eddie. You pay $188. Also, up to $414 a year thereafter. That proves Eddie is better. Because Eddie costs more money. And Eddie was made with science. Admittedly, it's someone else's science and you're really not supposed to think about the finer details, but let's face it: if you're considering a purchase of Eddie, then intellectual exercise wasn't really getting involved.
I have not linked to Eddie's website. There's very little point. You can find Eddie if you try, especially since I've been using his real name this whole time. But I should probably link to Eddie's thread on Twitter, because that is where the true genius lies. Also the only genius. Eddie is mostly just repackaged lies. And a few inconvenient truths.
Y'see, when you put an advertisement into random Twitter feeds, you're mostly going to annoy people.
Annoyed people are funny.
I find it hard to breathe when wearing this on my nose. Do you have anything larger?
do they have 3XL?
--------------------------------------------------
Yep, and it comes in your size, too!
"For those of you who are on a budget, we also offer "Freddie"
As you might expect, several replies shared a certain theme.
And of course, I contributed to the general atmosphere of carnival and joy. The only difference was that my reply is probably going to see me banned for a week.
So under this logic, if I wrap my hands around your neck and squeeze, I'm not actually trying to kill you. My hands are just a device to improve blood flow to your brain.
How long do I have to strangle your ad department before they realize Eddie was a bad idea? Science!
So now you've met Eddie. And you surely understand how special he is. After all, you don't try to surgically extract this much money from your victims with just anyone.
Oh, Eddie. Surely we will never see your like again. At least, not until you're introduced as Exhibit A during the inevitable lawsuit.
Because let's face it: anyone who brings Eddie home probably ain't gonna read the directions.
You. Are. A. Genius.
Just for your tweet reply
"Eddie" is now on the wikipedia page for "cock ring". I find it hilarious that they already had a reference there for "Freddy and eddy" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cock_ring
I’ve learned so much by being a part of this fandom. All of it interesting, some has made me think and become more aware and some has made me laugh.
And all of it has been as wonderful as the people providing it.
Thank you for your wit and humor, Estee!
If erection lasts more than 4 hours, you’re supposed to take it off. Dummy!
(Is there a photo with a banana, for scale?)
This looks like perfect fuel for an Estee one-shot. I am torn between a Flim & Flam story or one of those where we only see the correspondence between whoever send the ads.
I think my favorite entry in the reply chain is one comparing Eddie to a similarly "revolutionary" device. And yes, there's plenty of mockery there as well.
5625384
You know anyone brave enough to take an actual picture with the real thing in the same frame as a real banana would display the two as one of them is intended.
this reminds me of a website i found:
http://theworstthingsforsale.com/
5625384
If my erection lasts more than 4 hours, SCREW calling a doctor.
It's a miracle! Cut out the middle man & call the Pope! (+ the funeral home).
& you can get a very similar looking object at the plumbing supply section of Costco & it won't cost $10
The Voice Of Experience
The only way to get out of unwanted online subscriptions is:
1) Call your bank
2) Report your card lost/stolen
3) Get a new number
Otherwise, your bank will be ZERO help.
If you've got some bills on autopay, call them, go to the trouble of getting your new card registered & be prepared for when they * it up & cancel your service.
5625408
Hello! I've actually worked in fraud and helped with this exact issue. What you described will work some of the time, but there are a few companies who will get their subscriptions automatically updated to your new card via the account number, and so we would usually recommend filing a billing dispute with them too.
Billing disputes are the bank reaching out to the merchant asking them to cancel the subscription. Many of them will work with you for normal items, but some of the sketchier ones will try to give you the run-around on the phone for a while.
... I no longer work in fraud and am delighted to tell you that so long as you say that you don't recognize the charge, you've never made a purchase with them in your life, and you *stick* to that story, you can get a fraud claim to go through just fine. If you've been scammed, you can get away with this too so long as you do not so much as hint that you were at the store. You lost your card and you noticed it was missing around that time. If you say it is a scam, there is *nothing* the bank can do to help.
Also, don't ever get something that's a trial advertised on the internet where you just pay shipping. Those are subscriptions. They will continue to charge you, usually in increments of 9.99/month, 59.99/month, or 99.99/month. Keep an eye on your account and be nice to your call center workers, they're more likely to want to move mountains for you if you don't come on the phone screaming threats at them.
As someone who goes by Eddie irl, this is equal parts hilarious and disturbing. Already bad enough with several people who always call me Ed...
One of the last things I ever expected to learn about on a My Little Pony fanfiction website.
For the entirety of human communication these ads have existed.
When the first email was sent across a new and experimental internet, the first penis enlargement advertisement somehow embedded itself in the message.
5625442
Oh, the equivalent existed back in the days of Snail Mail. Before spam, it was called "junk mail". A favored tactic was to look like you had won a lottery -even though you never even entered.
The real money is in the mailing list. There’s no more lucrative democratic than insecure dudes with $414 of discretionary income to spend on a cock ring subscription. If you’re looking for more entertainment / suffering make a disposable email, reply to the ad, and see what comes pouring in a month later.
And now I'm imagining Cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies visiting the Griswold house for, let's say, the Fourth of July. Before Clark starts to spiral when his huge backyard fireworks display fails to ignite, Eddie describes in graphic detail about how this little thing is saving his marriage.
What 5625527 said. I would imagine an address list of the 100 or so (1000s perhaps?) takers for this subscription would be quite valuable to other marketing wanketeers.
Had a quick shufti through their website, but sadly it was rather thin on relevant information (ordering and pricing information that is; we all know that any "medically sounding" bumf on the page would be intentionally vague and meaningless so as not to be actionable in a lawsuit or somesuch). Significant Other pointed out that this was probably by design and that the ordering bits'n'bobs were deliberately hidden behind that silly E.D. questionnaire (probably as medically relevant as those "What Breakfast Metal Are You?" Facebook 'quizzes') so as make the
customer'smark'spatient's experience feel more authoritative like a doctor's consultation."See?" says Eddy,"We are not some grotty, fly-by-night sex shop. We are Respectable™ and Serious™; our website has Whitespace, Sliding HTML Elements, and photos of Tastefully Diverse 'Normal' People just like you!"
I give Eddy 1 week before they are available on AliExpress
I don't really have a Twitter, I use MInds.com personally.
Sure, people can 'boost' posts but they aren't really all that annoying. Plus any user can boost content.