I Can't Put Up With This Anymore · 10:36pm Oct 12th, 2020
I've said before that one of the few things making my life miserable was my haphazard and inconsistent approach to writing. Well, put that in second place. I can say with absolute confidence that the complete lack of trust from my family has surpassed it.
I can't keep silent anymore. I can't pretend anymore. This has been eroding my happiness for years. I am on the verge of breaking down, right now.
I am not joking.
God help me, I need to tell someone before this gets worse, and this blog post's the best I've got. I don't even care how pathetic that makes me sound anymore. I want this off my chest, come what may.
This is how long it's been going on for:
Before I encountered the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic - before any of this FIMFiction business - I left higher education as a result of what I can only describe as a motivational collapse, a failure to redo the second year, and ultimately just swallowing my pride and getting a job.
Before then, I was the pride of the family. The brainy one. The straight-A student. They were proud of me.
So that failure of mine at university was a blow. To this day, I still don't feel I understand why I had that collapse, and if there was one thing I identified with strongly, it was my academic success and intellectual achievement.
During the following years, I was unemployed. I'd loved school, college, and university. I loved taking part in lessons. In addition, I loved the structure it gave to my day. Being unemployed was a torment. A life of luxury sounds nice until you face not only the impending financial insecurity, but the sheer existential dread of wanting to do something meaningful and having nothing whatsoever. No connection, no purpose, nothing. I had no obligations and no higher calling, and I hated it. My parents did too. It nearly broke me.
Luckily, I managed to get a job and have enjoyed it ever since. I've a well-balanced work-leisure lifestyle, enough books and electronic media to keep me stimulated as well as entertained, a job I not only like but which couldn't have been more perfect for me, and all-in-all no major complaints.
Except two, both a result of the fact that the job doesn't exactly pay top dollar (so to speak: I'm in the UK, so obviously I get paid in pounds and pence).
The first is that I'll need a second job to supplement the income of the first. No great problem for me: even if I don't find one yet, I'm under no financial stress yet either, so I can afford to take my time.
The second is that I don't actually own a house.
In the entire world, there is one single private location I can call my own. A single room in a single house, all legally owned by my parents, who live in said house.
This wouldn't be so bad in and of itself - most of the time, they have no problem with me being there - except for one tiny little hiccup of a trifling issue.
We don't get along.
At all.
For one thing, they're incredibly inconsistent. One day, I'll offer to tackle some chore or ask if they'd like me to do anything, and they reassure me it's fine, nothing needs doing, and so on and so forth. The next day, they suddenly have a go at me for not doing something I wasn't even aware they were expecting me to do. It's immensely unfair to have this stuff sprung on me. It's not even as if I'd object to performing more chores around the house, since I see the value of e.g. cleaning and so forth. But the only time they seem to expect my services are precisely when I'm not offering them. It's either baffling or just spiteful.
For another... I don't want to get political, but they have this thing about "foreigners". Anything wrong in the news, anything wrong in the street, they'll complain about it - fair enough, since bad drivers and violent crimes are worth complaining about - and then suddenly they trot out "foreigners" like the word's a synonym for "criminals". It's their constant bugbear, and I find it both uncomfortable and tedious to listen to them go off like this. You'd think white people were incapable of crime, the way they go on about it.
And they take a very black-and-white view of LGBTQ+ issues, as in god help you if you belong to any of those categories. And they use the phrase "political correctness gone mad" seemingly indiscriminately - like even seeing an advert for a program about the history of African slaves somehow earns their criticism. And they get very judgemental about people who don't have "conventional" (read: bog-standard middle class) lives. And they obsessively watch the most depressing crime shows, which makes me feel nauseated after a while, as if every crime on the planet somehow was going to come and affect them personally in this very neighbourhood. And their attitude towards the legal system is "punish, punish, punish harder" like they're advocating for physical abuse and the death penalty in one go. I am not joking: it's hard to be in a room with them at times.
They're also insanely shallow. I can forgive the obsession over sports - everyone needs a harmless hobby, even if I don't understand the appeal myself - but the few occasions they speak to me about anything, it's always the same old things. Clothes. Hairstyle. Shoes. What I eat. When I (don't) exercise. Every single time, making it clear they don't care much for my style in any of these categories. Once or twice as a topic, fair enough, but it's the same broken record over and over, and I get sick of it fast. They might as well treat me as a complete stranger for all the depth our conversations have.
And - their worst failing by far when it applies to me personally - they don't seem to have any respect for my privacy.
They will not leave it alone.
Look, I'm aware I have flaws. I can be lazy and presume too much. I don't have the healthiest diet. I'm not the tidiest person at the moment. I have books and DVDs everywhere, because when I'm chasing multiple flights of fancy at once, it's honestly easier to leave it within arm's reach for tomorrow than to put it back on the shelf. Besides, I don't have enough storage space for what I've got. My bookshelf was full up years ago.
Only... as far as the "mess" goes, I'm fine with it. I adapt to it. Piles of stuff on the floor is never going to win awards for presentation, but to borrow a phrase from Rarity, it's my organized chaos. I can navigate around it fine enough. I don't even invite people to my room: I don't invite anyone over period.
The only people who have a problem with it, in fact, are my parents. They own the house, but only legally. They don't seem to grasp that what I really need, above all else, is a space of complete personal privacy and safety where I can achieve peace of mind and not feel under attack from anyone.
So what's their genius plan for dealing with it? Stamp through my space whenever they feel like it. Nag me about everything and anything, like they do about everything else.
Threaten to bin my property.
I'm sorry - I know they're the precursors to my particular DNA combination, and all - but I don't have infinite patience.
These parents of mine flat-out are not on the same wavelength as me - I haven't dared mention my pony interest to them, because they think I'm weird for liking Pixar and other animated movies. They certainly wouldn't have kind words for most of you people.
And despite my admitting my difficulties with writing before, they are neither able to share my passion (forgivable) nor interested in offering the slightest support (less so). If anything, they nag me about that too, such as why my illustrious career hasn't taken off yet. Because that's what a budding writer needs! To feel worse about their failures!
And I daren't respond, because they just nag me all the harder. I remember an occasion a few years back where they were nagging me so much about my overall situation - financial, employment, social - that it just got the better of me and I practically broke down in front of them. Comfort? Support? Mutual understanding? No: they took advantage of my moment of weakness to push the point home. To put it another way: even when their nagging had gotten to me, they were such unimaginative bulldozers that their only response was to nag me some more.
Besides, the rest of the family's on their side. As far as anyone else is concerned, my parents are the most wonderful people in the world for helping them out and stepping in where needed. Fair enough: I'm just a shut-in who can barely understand what I'm supposed to do at a one-hour get-together, to say nothing of my (lack of) involvement with the rest of the family. But when I get these blow-ups and daren't do anything out of rage or fear, all I can do is just wait it out. I can't go talking to someone else. Who on earth's going to take my side in that situation?
It drives me to madness. I want a little peace, and just when I think they're OK with that, they suddenly trample all over it and I'm left wondering when the next random blow-up will pop up amid all the humdrum, tedious nagging.
True, we barely ever seemed to have anything in common (for one thing, there's a reason I have my own TV separate from theirs), but at least we could in theory enjoy some sort of mutual tolerance. They can have the rest of the house. Fine. I just want my bedroom to myself. And it feels like they're taking even that away from me.
So when it gets to the point - such as today - that they threaten to throw away my possessions if I don't organize them - and put them on not enough shelves to hold them, mind, in the one room I can call my own - I feel like a cornered animal.
In fact, that feels like how they treat me at times. Less like a member of the family and more like some awkward beast of burden they can't readily shift. So they get the idea that whipping it is the best way to treat it, and then when that doesn't work they either keep whipping it or leave it alone only to come back and try whipping it again.
How I wish I could move out and settle in my own home, but three problems with that approach. One: I don't have the money to try it. Two: I've basically got a rare thing, a job I love to bits. I don't want to throw away that definite blessing just to end up back in the unemployment dark ages again. I won't go through that misery if I can help it.
And three: the second job that was supposed to supplement my income was a writing career, and good luck getting that off the ground the way I've been handling it lately.
The fact is it's ironic I keep coming back to a show called "Friendship is Magic". I don't just consider anyone I get along with a friend. A friend is someone you could trust, no matter how terrible your secret, to remain on your side. A friend is someone with whom you could happily spend an eternity together. A friend is someone whose mere presence makes a day a good one. A friend is, in essence, family without blood.
Put like that, I've never had one. I just about have "anyone I get along with": co-workers and a few people online. Compared to most of you, I'm about as social as a desert gecko, which wouldn't bother me too much - I can manage quite happily in solitude - if I didn't feel like even that peaceful privacy was being stomped on. Because when that happens, suddenly I don't have many options.
You don't know how much it means to me to be able to talk about things I care about here. Favourite novels, treasured films and games, endlessly fascinating trivia from books that just make my mind explode like fireworks.
A show I've devoted a lot of time and energy to enjoying and examining.
Weighty themes, knowledge of the craft, familiar concepts and exciting new possibilities awaiting discovery.
Where to put the narrative camera, what makes an author's voice their own, characters like constellations in the night sky, and worlds endlessly recreated and recombined like the infinite toys of scientists.
A great multidimensional network of genres and allusions.
We can be as serious and as silly as we like, pessimist or optimist, simultaneously creator god and mortal, humble human. The sheer power of imaginary worlds makes me feel it. Makes me feel alive.
I was a fool to be so reticent for so long. The truth is I've weathered this for years - don't believe this is some species of coronavirus cabin fever talking - all of this has been a strain long before we were confined to our homes for months. But with this recent threat to my peace of mind, I'm finding it harder to keep myself together. Writing would be a lot less stressful if I felt more often I had friends on my side.
Yet if anything, I did the opposite here. I largely kept mum, restricted my interactions like I was putting off a good meal, and years and years of feeling like I have to fight my own battles are just wearing me down further.
I mean, how bad is it? It wasn't long before writing this blog post that I was ready to loudly take out my anger at someone. I'm usually as quiet and harmless as a hatstand. I don't want to turn into some kind of vicious lunatic. I expect better of myself than that.
FIMFiction, followers, fellows, maybe even friends: I don't ask you to solve my domestic problems. Why should you? Even if I weren't naturally nervous about trying, I wouldn't want to be a burden, and I don't want charity or pity. I've weathered storms before. With luck, I can weather more.
I just wanted to talk about them. I can't take this silence any longer. I'm cracking, and if I don't tell someone soon, I think I might actually snap.
I don't want to feel alone anymore. I can be a better writer, a better blogger, a better voice among many. If nothing else, I want to be content somewhere. But family doesn't feel safe enough, I don't have any friends, and the last time I tried any counselling or self-help sessions - back at university - they only worked so long as I was in the sessions and felt like I had someone to talk to (and were basically ineffective as soon as I stepped out the room). Besides, the expense of counselling makes me pause before splashing out for something that might not work, to say nothing of the stigma sure to follow.
Just please tell me I'm still welcome here. I've been around the site for a good chunk of my life. However pathetic that makes me, it's the closest thing to an outlet I've got. I need to hear something other than constant nagging or bland chatter. I want to be better than I am. Tell me that's possible.
This blog kinda hurt, because a lot of it was looking into a mirror at how I've been going through life on and off since I graduated high school. In retrospect, I don't know how much I even regret any of the decisions I'd made--if I would've continued going through uni instead of dropping out after a year, I'd be much worse off right now then if I hadn't. There's such a push to rush out of the house and sink all your money into university, but it's really a bit of a fool's goal.
Fimfic has helped a lot for me, too. Spending time perfecting a craft and sharing it with people who respect it is an extremely helpful and cathartic thing. I wouldn't call it pathetic at all. The fact that this community has survived for ten years... and that I've been a part of it for about that long, is absolutely mindblowing. I'd call it sombering, but it's really a comfort that something in my life has remained so constant, so innocently appealing, for such a long time. The FiM fandom is largely a group of people attracted to a show's willingness to depict a world where friendship, kindness, and understanding is a tangible thing and an eternal goal to strive for. I know we're not perfect as a community, but this foundation is a nice one to consider.
So no. I don't think it's pathetic at all.
From how you make it sound, you don't seem to be much of the problem at all. I know it's probably shallow, unhelpful advice, but I would consider maybe hunting for a roommate and moving into an apartment. I had a really, really rocky relationship with my folks when I moved back in, after being away for university. It's hard, living by yourself for a year and then moving back in, because that little taste of beautiful hermit life never went away. I found my relationship with my parents improved substantially when I didn't have to live with them anymore.
I don't know for sure if that's a viable option for you, but if it is, I would highly recommend pursuing it.
If it isn't, what I said earlier still stands. The wide world is a cynical and often apathetic place. I've stayed part of this community and part of this site or so long because the people here have done a wonderful job making other caring and compassionate people feel welcomed. I've made incredible friends here, with the sorts of people I never in a thousand years would have ever met.
We're all here and we're all reading this because we care. Because at one point or another, you said or did or wrote something that resonated with us and made us interested in what you have to say, or connected with us on a deeply personal level. That might not solve any problems, sure, but knowing it certainly helps me when I'm in a similar place as you.
You definitely did the right thing in venting here. I can only imagine how it's felt to let that resentment fester for years. I think I speak for everyone when I say you're absolutely welcome here. Heck, if you weren't on the other side of the Atlantic, I'd offer to help with the housing situation.
You seem pretty cool to me. I hope you can find a satisfactory resolution to your housing issue. If you want a friend, you can find me on Discord; I find real-time discussions much more fulfilling than blog responses.
I grew up in an American White Evangelical family, with all the bigotry and other awfulness that implies; especially for someone who grew up neuro-divers (ASD) and gender-diverse (but was never allowed to learn what that meant). On top of that, it was highly abusive, emotionally and physically. I've long since left that situation and grown past it, and gotten a better idea about who and what I am apart from the rigid Religious Right mould they attempted to shove me into. But it still bothers me, I'm still dealing with the fallout from it many years later.
Since the last presidential election, they've gotten worse. Which I didn't think possible. I've effectively cut off contact with everyone in my family -- with the sole exception of my sister, who is the only stable, decent person in my immediate family.
So yeah, some of us here understand every bit of what you're going through. If I had some way to help, I would; but you're definitely not alone.
I was lucky enough to find a highly supportive group of people, and managed to get away from the house long enough to spend time with them in real life as well as on the Internet. Even if I wasn't particularly close to any of them, it still gave me the escape I needed. I still felt out of place, like I didn't belong; but at least I also felt relatively safe, since so many of them had been or still were in the same boat I was. Sometimes that's all it takes, though, just getting out for a while, long enough to recover some shreds of sanity.
I don't really have any "words of wisdom", since I still don't really know how I survived those days (I almost didn't); but I do know that getting out of that situation even for a little while helped immensely, even if it meant being homeless and couch-surfing for the better part of a year; and even if I didn't even manage to do that until I was in my late 20s.
One thing I do remember from those days... I had a teacher who was kind of a weird hippie type; and on the first day of class, he gave us a handout which was titled "A Set of Rules For Students and Teachers". One of those "rules" was "Find a place you can trust, and then, try trusting it for a while." School was that for me at the time, the Internet became that later. Right now, the Brony fandom serves some of that function. There are good people in it that make me feel better about the world and my life, even if I am not necessarily close friends with any of them.
You are definitely one of those people. Thank you for being that.
Oh, and if you can manage it, something else I found helpful was a friend loaning me a copy of the Principia Discordia, a sort of chaotic. absurdist Zen take on the world. And as luck would have it, these days it's all online: https://principiadiscordia.com/book/1.php
I'll just end this post with a simple Discordian koan: "Your Brain Is Not The Boss"
Of course you’re welcome here, no question about that! I’m sorry your domestic life is such a mess, and I wish I could help beyond hoping you can get yourself out of that house and into a better situation. I get that you love your job, but could you use it to find a different one that helps the situation via working a different location, different hours, etc? In my experience trying to network to change jobs is easier when you’re currently employed, doubly so when you’re not chasing a pay bump for no additional work. Just food for thought. Good luck, and don’t be a stranger ‘round these parts.
Man, of course you're welcome here.
If you need someone to vent on, I'm always open.
I've had my own issues, gone into therapy for it, saved my life, most likely. One thing I know is that Star Trek 5 (if you've even seen it, I always refer to movies for analogy or allegory for some reason), for all it's campyness and whatnot, is quite correct. Sharing pain makes that pain all the more bearable, if only because someone can hear it, listen to it, and just tell you that you're not just imagining it, that you're not alone in feeling it. This site is a safe space, for the most part. But there are plenty of us that are willing to share the burden. So don't think you're alone, just reach out.
I want to thank everyone for reassuring me at a time like this. I wish I could do more, but for plenty of reasons - not least of which is that I just don't feel comfortable identifying myself online - all I can do is say thank you. I've never really admitted I feel this way to anyone before. I was hesitant to post even today, but it turned out to be harder to hold myself back yet again and feel good about it. I don't like just spilling my heart out willy-nilly. That probably explains a lot, when I put it like that...
Anyway, individual responses below. Sorry this comment's so long. I wanted to respond to everyone at once rather than give the impression I was leaving anyone out.
5376674
I'm beyond relieved to hear you say that: I won't say I thought I was the only one to have these problems, but it was easy to feel like that at times. I didn't want to say anything because I thought I'd be a whiner to do so. My life would only need a few tweaks for me to be content, after all, which is nothing to sneeze at. "Failed at university" isn't going down as the most tragic thing to happen to someone, but it seems like my life got a lot worse when I did.
I've poked my nose in a couple of fandoms before, but the best stuff this fandom's done still feels unreal to me, at least in some ways. I got in mostly out of curiosity, and then entertainment and inspiration. Whether it reflects my prejudices or not, I was amazed by stories of people whose lives turned around after getting involved in the show and the fandom. It was nice, granted, but it felt like something happening somewhere else, in a sense, like it didn't and wouldn't apply to me.
Even now, I can't help feeling I'm being one-sided about this. In a lot of respects, my parents really are nice people: they do go out and help family when needed, and they're pretty much the reason my grandparents get the care they require. But when they then turn around and talk to me like I'm a disobedient dog (I can't remember the last time they said anything positive about me), or tell me they'll bin my books and DVDs just like that, it's hard to stomach. I wish I could say that was just an idle threat born from stress, only they've already thrown out clothes without my consent. And idle threat or not, I don't like being ranted at out of nowhere.
I don't think I could share a house with a stranger, though, not least of all because I know virtually no one outside of family and work.
5376676
It's kind of you to offer, but I couldn't accept such assistance. I'm not in desperate straits, by any means. I just can't keep silencing myself anymore. Until today, I felt it'd be weakness to do so, like I couldn't handle my own problems or like I'd only be ruining someone else's day by venting at them. But I'm worried about the consequences if I don't say anything.
5376680
I've always been impressed by how confidently you talk about your own family and work issues on your blog. I know I've barely commented there - it's my bad habit to keep holding back - but here and now, I'll say I wish your life would take a much needed turn for the better, and sooner rather than later. It's both comforting and painful to see you going through that, and only comforting because you've got Shadow and your painting and your psychology, to say nothing of the people here cheering you on.
I can only imagine the stress your blood parents are putting you through. I don't think I could put up with such gaslighting for long; I hate such lowly tricks. My parents aren't that bad by a long shot, so I've got nothing to offer but a stranger's distant sympathies. Goodness, though, but you should be enjoying a better life.
5376697
I'll bear that in mind, but really I just need to keep connected somewhere. It doesn't have to be instantaneous, like it is on Discord, so long as that connection's close by when I need it.
I think I can deal with the housing issue. I've put up with it for years. So long as I don't have to feel bottled up any longer, maybe I can put up with it for longer. I needed to speak my mind, though; feeling I was on my own was what made it so intolerable.
5376701
Oh gosh, my parents aren't that bad. Frankly, I don't think I'd have lasted this long if they had been. Living in the UK, I sometimes find it hard to appreciate how extreme America can be in some places. Thank goodness you managed to get out and find safer company.
I don't think I could ever cut off contact with my family. As much as I'm having a bad time of it now, they're still mostly decent and can be tolerant of me at times. Part of the unpleasantness is just how much of a contrast their worst moments are to this, especially since I don't have anyone to fall back on if they start wearing me down.
On those occasions where I or they have gone on holiday, if anything we seem to get along better by keeping in regular contact (e.g. via phone). I think you're right about that need to get out of the current situation. It convinces me that getting my own house would be a major solution to the problem.
I might have a look at that Principia Discordia. I've only heard bits and pieces about Discordianism before now, so why not look into it now? Any excuse to learn, especially if it sounds weird enough, ha!
5376720
I've been offered additional hours on occasion, though only as a temporary arrangement as and when needed. There aren't any permanent openings at the moment, though. There aren't any openings at all: the lockdown means we're heavily restricted on what we can and can't do. At best, I'll just have to wait for an opportunity to come along later, once the lockdown eases up.
5376729
Whoops! Sorry. I only just noticed yours after I posted my first reply.
Hey, I keep harking back to Pratchett's works for stuff like that. At least movies make for a broad enough reference point. Besides, nuggets of truth turn up in the most unexpected of rivers.
Thanks. I don't want to be the person who rains on other people's days or anything - I'd much rather post about things that make me happy, or are exciting, or just a little shot of satisfaction and modest interest - but it helps a lot to feel like I can just... admit when something's troubling me. There aren't many people I've been able to tell about this kind of thing.
5376736
One thing I've learned from my own chronic and medication resistant depression, is that acting like everything is okay just makes things worse. Because it's denying your own pain to put on a strong face for others. It's actually not fair to you if you're suffering. It's like breaking your leg, then walking along anyway so that people don't carry you; it's a well intentioned attempt to spare others, but only puts undue burden on yourself, and winds up hurting you more.
You venting is a good thing. You need it. It's like asking "hey guys, can I get a splint over here?" or "guys, my leg is broke, little help?" It's not irrational for you to ask for that help. And we'll always offer what we can.
5376732
Can't tell you how many times I've seen or heard or said that. What you describe in your post is emotional abuse, unsurprising if they're already bigots as well.
One thing to always keep in mind: "Bad" is not an absolute scale, and comparing "badness" is a bad idea. You will always be able to find something worse, something which will make being an abusive situation look more tolerable by comparison; and convince you that you're wrong for feeling the way you do about it. What matters is what it is doing to your mental health, both immediately and especially cumulatively. The worst abuse is not necessarily the immediate and dramatic; sometimes it's the persistent and pervasive and dismissible that can cause the most damage over time. It becomes normalized. It can make you think you're the one being unreasonable for being upset and hurt by it; and even unable to truly perceive it until someone outside your head points it out.
Took me far too long to learn that lesson, I wish I had learned it sooner.
Another mantra for you: That which does not kill me leaves me with a dark sense of humour and a lot of really unhealthy coping mechanisms.
5376749
This
This
A million times this
In as much as someone can say this who arrived the best part of a decade after you... Of course you're welcome here! Whether it's to write stories or 'just' to vent to your friends, we're listening to what you have to say and appreciate you sharing. Plus, as you say, it's cheaper than CBT!
I don't want to say something as trite as "hang in there, this too shall pass", but - oh, wait, I seem to have done just that. Well, the sentiment is right, anyway. You're awesome.
Of course you're still welcome here! I may have only followed you recently, but I've watched your blog for a little while because it's interesting and cool. We all find our niche to be comfortable and talk, even if that niche is an obscure fanfiction website. There are lots of us here willing to listen and care. In part at least, I've probably stuck for this because for me too, it was something of an escape.
I'm terribly sorry about your housing situation. You're not alone here, at one point I was stuck with someone like them before who would not leave me alone. I had to try to set boundaries, use locks, and even hide my stuff away so it wouldn't be seen or touched. It was unbearable. If you ever feel like talking with someone who be something akin to a friend (Knowing how you feel on the topic of friendship), my inbox is open if you ever feel like it.
And from what I know, housing in the UK is even worse than it is here. Hell, housing just seems to just be getting worse across the entire western world in fact. Have you ever tried family therapy? I can't say I'm optimistic that it would work, considering they sound like some of the biggest sticks in the mud I've ever seen, but who knows. Assuming nothing much can be done about them, getting a second job and finding a roommate to stay with might be worth the load it would put on your finances and time, at least for a little while.
I'm gonna echo what 5376752 said. A great many people say things like this about their families because they think that others have it much worse. Because abuse couldn't happen to me right? It happens to others with far worse relationships, right? It's not a contest of any sort. Even if they treat you better than Batwing's parents did, what they're doing here is unacceptable. Everyone deserves privacy and a place to call their own; and a refusal to allow that is a hallmark of controlling people.
I'm gonna go off on a bit of a tangent here, but what is with our obsession with crime anyway? Maybe it's different in the UK, but here there are countless shows and other media all about crime, crime, crime all the time. I have half a mind to think that out weird preoccupation with crime is the reason we're so scare of criminals and take such a disgustingly punitive attitude toward them.
So many have said this, but I want to say it too: you are now and always will be welcome here. We will be your friends and family. We care about you, support you and are here for you.
Take care, Numbers. We've got your back.
I hope that you can find a way to amend your relationship with your family. Having your parents there to support you will probably go a long way to making you feel better. I'm not sure how old you are or if you're paying them rent, but regardless, making an active effort to help around the house even if they say it's unnecessary will probably be a big factor in reparations. They'll likely come to appreciate the work you do, and I hope they would make that known to you.
Regarding their opinions, this is probably something you'll just have to learn to tolerate if you want to live with them. If it bothers you that much, try to ignore what they say and don't engage in discussions on topics which you disagree upon.
I'm not entirely sure what you mean by them being shallow. I don't know what they're asking you specifically nor do I know how you respond to these. From what you've described, it sounds like small talk, which while not too engaging or deep, does help you stay connected. Maybe asking them some questions too about themselves will give you more engaging conversations. I can understand not wanting to divulge your niche interests, but hopefully you have or can find something in common with them that you can occasionally discuss, or even just ask about.
You have a right to your privacy, but I think I can see your parents' motivation for doing what they did. One part of it could be them wanting your room to look nice; they do own the place, after all. I bet they would like the whole house to be relatively clean, even if part of it is agreed to be yours for the time being. Those are arrangements for you and them to decide, of course. Another thing may be that an unkempt room may make them think that you're being lazy. You can be the most diligent, eager-to-work person out there, but if you have a messy room, someone would probably see that as a reflection of yourself.
It would probably be wise to start keeping your room cleaner than it's been currently, both for now and the future. I've heard that keeping your living space clean helps with depression and the like, and it'll impress (or at least not repulse) anyone who visits. If you're low on space, see if you can store some of your unused items somewhere or get more storage space. Them barging in and threatening to remove your stuff isn't good, but making sure it isn't a problem in the first place will surely help to stop that.
Perhaps the most important thing about all of this is communication. You will probably need to talk with them at some point about what's troubling you and what their expectations are of you. The sooner this conversation, the better.
I hope this advice helps you in some way. I realize that I'm asking you to make some changes to your current lifestyle to appease someone else, but I really think you'll feel better if you feel more welcome at home. I can't even imagine living in a place where you feel unwelcome by your own family. Bear in mind that I have not had to experience any of this, so if any of this advice sounds bad or doesn't work, then I hope you can find another route.
Numbers, I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you said something because you felt that you needed to. To me it sounds like a lot of tension would be resolved by not living with your family, though I understand that it's financially tricky (especially at the moment due to coronavirus's overall impacts and insecurity). Obviously not asking you to divulge specifics but I think it is worth looking into what other options you could manage and if/how badly you need the second job to make that happen.
Renting a small flat, houseshare (spareroom.co.uk worked out well for me finding a place to live in the past, though it's a gamble dependent on the landlord & housemates - and I found it was actually less weird than I thought to live with a stranger, because there's no obligation to be anything more than civil), staying in your job but switching office/store location so that it makes sense to move out? If an internal lock on the door is a no-no, what about an external lock - that way, nobody can go in when you're not there. Maybe you could figure out something to do in your spare time that helps you meet people IRL - a local writing group? a bookclub? - because then a few months down the line, they won't feel like strangers and maybe they will have connections and more local knowledge.
I'm just throwing random ideas of varying quality about; I don't expect you to answer them. Always feel free to use this blog to talk about whatever you want, Numbers. You can PM me too - I don't know where you are and I'll just say I'm in the generic 'up north', but at least I am definitely in the country of which you speak!
You're welcome here, Numbers. Always have been, and always will be.
I hope things work out for you, and I'm glad you've got this space to vent into to take some of the pressure off your home life. Don't worry about taking advantage of that, and do reach out as and when you need to. No man's an island, and nobody should have to bottle up their troubles.
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As someone not in the UK but who watches a lot of BBC/ITV/Channel 4/etc., yeah, it's not just the US. Crime shows are quite popular in the UK as well; and just like in the US, they're very much right-wing propaganda. Criminals are inherently evil and not the product of their environment, police are inherently noble and heroic, corruption and bigotry and brutality are always a problem with rogue individuals instead of a natural consequence of socio-political power structures, it's never the system that's at fault only individuals, and so on. No real difference between US and UK shows in that regard. At least the UK versions are generally better written and acted.
To everyone I haven't replied to yet:
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And those I have, just to keep them in the loop:
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I don't know if you'll feel differently after what I wrote in the other blog post, but...
I have to admit, I didn't know what to expect after yesterday. Merely saying this much made me incredibly uneasy, especially given my emotional state of mind in the moment. In a lot of respects, I feel a huge amount of relief. You don't realize how much a sympathetic ear helps at times like this.
At the same time, it's a little overwhelming. I want to reply to you all individually, so that each and every one of you gets your dues. But it's a bit daunting to think about, and I don't think I'll be able to do it without a good run-up.
The very least I want to say is thank you.
Thank you so much for taking the pressure off. I thought I was going crazy, or ruining myself by doing this, but already I feel better for it. I feel like I'm getting my sanity back again, if only a little bit.
I need time to think about what I'm going to do next. Part of me really just wants to get back to some stability - a healthier stability - and I will be coming back to re-read these words whenever I feel I need to. There's some good advice here, and a lot of comfort. That's all I can say for certain, for now.
I don't know what else to say except, well, thank you.
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Well, I can't speak for everypony else (and certainly not those who made actual substantive points!), but I wasn't looking for any kind of response - I just wanted to say that it's absolutely OK to let off steam and describe how you feel to a sympathetic audience who will listen to what you want to say. And again I can only speak for myself, but I haven't lost any respect for you after the followup post, some of which hit close to home - you don't somehow get docked metaphorical points for being human (or being honest about being human) in my book.
I regrettably don't spend as much time on Fimfiction as I used to, but I'll always appreciate you and your work, Numbers. I hope you can always feel safe posting your thoughts here, regardless of the subject matter.
I haven't had to experience anything like the ordeal you're going through, but I have had times living with my parents where I felt like I needed to get out and get away. If you don't think you'd be able to reach them through conversation, I want to echo some of the other commenters here about possibly finding a roommate and/or a cheap place to rent (if you can find a place close enough to keep your job, that would be even better). Distance helped me and I think the freedom and security of having a place, even a small one, you can call your own would help you a lot. Or if moving is too much, how would your parents feel about perhaps adding a lock to your door (if it doesn't already have one)? Whatever gives some peace of mind.
Whatever you do, you have my sympathies. I'm rooting for you.
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Thanks, Sypher. It's been a disorienting few days, since posting this blog entry and just saying what I've been dying to say for a while. I'm still not sure where I'm going to go from here. Still, it's also been a load off my mind seeing people like you speaking up. It makes me feel welcome, and honestly happier as the days go on.