Short Hand: Pony Religion 4 · 5:12am Aug 31st, 2020
Pinkie: "Forgive me Shepherd, for I have sinned!"
Shepherd: *sigh* "Pinkie Pie, for the last time, I'm not a priest! I can't take confession! I'm not even Catholic!"
Pinkie: "Father Waddles said as a Human Guardian you're just as good as a priest!"
Shepherd: "Father Waddles and I are going to have to have words."
Pinkie: "Pleeeeeasse? Please please please please please please please please-?!"
Shepherd: "All right, all right! What did you do?"
Pinkie: "Ahem?"
Shepherd: sigh "My foal, what did you do?"
Pinkie: "I ate the new Mmmmcake the Cakes were baking! I couldn't resist it! I ate the whole thing!"
Shepherd: "How you're not diabetic I will never know. Okay Pinkie: You're going to use your own money, bake them a new Mmmmcake, and tell them what you did."
Pinkie: "But if they dock my pay-"
Shepherd: "Then you'll just have to accept the consequences. All right?"
Pinkie: "Oh... All right. Are you sure you don't want to punish me any other ways? Like a spanking?"
Shepherd: "Priests don't spank the people doing confession except in pornos. Now get out of here, you're forgiven."
Pinkie: "Heee! Thank you!" *Kisses his cheek and bounces out*
Shepherd: groans "I am so going to Hell for this, I just know it..."
Dash: "Uh, hey, Shepherd? Forgive me, for I have sinned-?"
Shepherd: "OH COME ON!"
Of course, Dash is seeking forgiveness for spreading the rumor that Shepherd is essentially a priest all over Ponyville.
And Canterlot.
And Manehattan.
And the Crystal Empire.
5345838
It seemed like such a good idea at the time...
As a priest, I can see Shepherd doing something like this:
Megan probably had to put up with stuff like this on a distressingly frequent basis.
Danny just said the only sin ponies committed was not letting him get involved in the shenanigans. Though the only pony who confessed to him was Surprise, and that was more bragging than penance.
Cute
Dash: "Please?"
Shepherd: *sigh* "My foal, what did you do?"
Dash: "I, uh, kind of found your lunch and ate your sandwich."
Shepherd: "My... Sandwich?"
Dash: "Uh, yeah."
Shepherd: "My HAM and cheese sandwich?"
Dash: "...Yeah."
Shepherd: "...I don't know whether to be mad at you or disturbed at how you finished a sandwich made almost entirely out of meat."
Pinkie: "Why not both?"
Dash: "Pinkie!"
Shepherd: "She makes a good point."
Dash: "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'll... I'll buy you a new one. Yanno, once I find out where they sell meat and all."
Shepherd: "..."
Dash: "..."
Shepherd: "You sound almost eager to lear—"
Dash: "HEY LOOK TIME TO GO" *zips away*
Shepherd: "Pinkie, should I be worried that Dash is becoming an omnivore?"
Pinkie: "Probable not. Pony bodies are quasi-magical in nature and the manaflux field tends to alter things to adapt to local conditions as befits the Harmony-Chaos balance we maintain."
Shepherd: "...What?"
Pinkie: "What?"
Shepherd: "Pinkie, what was that?"
Pinkie: "Exposition, I think. Maybe an author's tract? I dunno, this is an omake so it could be anything."
Shepherd: "You make my head hurt in new and interesting ways."
Pinkie: "Yay! That means we're practically married to each other!"
Shepherd: "WHAT?"
(Pinkie, please... if he punished ponies with spankings, everypony would be coming to 'confess' their sins, all the time. Nonstop. Forever.)