Friendship is Card Games: A Matter of Principals (Fan Script) · 1:08pm Jan 12th, 2020
This week, we have something special, and not just because I only have a few months until I catch up with the comics. At the last Bronycon, the voice cast read a fan script, and officially, legally speaking, it couldn’t be recorded. But officially, legally speaking, this whole website shouldn’t exist…
Let’s dig in. Skip to 4:32 if you want to sidestep the initial confusion.
Note that on the far right we have Monochromatic and Skywriter, who helped write the script, along with Horizon.
One point immediately in this scripts favor: the girls are actually allowed to graduate.
Speaking as someone who had never seen any of Alumx’s videos prior to the reading, I was… confused by the choice for Principal Celestia’s voice actor. though I will say that it’s a valid way to differentiate between the two Sunbutts Major in what amounts to an audio drama. Especially when the pony one shows up a moment later.
It is interesting to see how the students can’t distinguish between the two Celestias at first. It raises the question of what outfit pony Celestia got when going through the mirror. Presumably a pantsuit similar to her counterpart. Or, given how this is set after her abdication, possibly something more casual.
Dash mentioning changelings does raise the question of how many Equestrian monstrosities Sunset’s mentioned to her friends. I imagine Rainbow Dash has been an eager pupil when it comes to potential butts to kick and/or rainbow-blast.
Ah, I’d forgotten; news of changelings came direct from pony Twilight… and apparently she’s been visiting the human world since the Friendship Games, at least in the canon of this reading. And Dash is indeed an avid monster scholar.
There’s something delightful in Princess Celestia being accused of monologuing, especially since Chrysalis does have a tendency to do so.
Only three generations of teaching at CSGU? Unexpected, but I suppose she may have spun the place up in preparation for Nightmare Moon. This may just be a point of differing headcanon between the script writers and me.
That said, the merger of the Schools of Magic and Friendship does either predict or foreshadow Luster Dawn.
Nicole Oliver hamming up Celestia’s post-retirement crisis is a thing of wonder and beauty. Likewise Mono as the beleaguered Wendy’s cashier.
Sunset getting a chance to look through the Princess’s memories… You could do a lot with that. Indeed, people have done a lot with that. And I have to appreciate the rare moment of not following Sunset into a mind-dive. Comedy aside, it’s not like it works that well in this format.
I’m not sure why human Twilight isn’t involved in the script, but given how it’s all about the girls graduating, I have to wonder if she already had her diploma and was just taking CHS classes for fun and socialization opportunities.
So… how exactly did Principal Celestia manage to walk into the school statue, no questions asked?
Multiple, permanent portals between Equestria and the human world… That does make sense. I could certainly see Twilight wanting to expand friendship as far and in as many dimensions as possible. Yes, it isn’t exactly supported by the finale… but that Ponyville montage wasn’t exactly a comprehensive tour, now was it? 
I really don’t know why Cathy Weseluck went for a more posh spin on Mayor Mare for her school administrator counterpart, but…
I mean, it’s fun, but I’m still lost on the reasoning. Only she knows.
“Yeah, (Celestia) must beat up all the monsters that even Twilight couldn’t handle.”
The irony there is equal parts bitter and hilarious.
I do love the idea of Sunset moving back and forth between the worlds almost seamlessly.
Sci-Twi may not feature in the reading, but it’s wonderful to see her reaction to unexpected equinification… even if I’m still not sure how anyone but Ditzy Doo can accidentally walk through an interdimensional portal.
"I tripped. Through six dimensions."
Not sure how to feel about the principals being alicorns on the other side of the mirror, but again, headcanon conflict.
As for Principal Celestia’s adjustment period… Unexpected pony face. I can hardly blame her.
In the future, School of Friendship field trips should probably be balanced against national defense.
Human Celestia being a quick study with the sun makes sense. After all, so was the pony.
I didn’t know I wanted Celestia to adopt a more archaic form of speech until this reading. Seeing her interact with human technology, that I knew I wanted. And I have to appreciate the connection with the comics when she’s a bit of technology she wants to take home.
The school board being aware of the magical goings-on is… honestly kind of hilarious. They don’t get paid enough to worry about that. And just imagine Cinch coming forward with her accusations only to be told, “Yes, and?”
“I miss the danger” says so much about Celestia. I wonder if she’ll consider enlisting in the Guard. I can only imagine how they’d feel about that. Maybe stick to freelance adventuring, Tia.
“I have to grab things now. How delightfully pedestrian!”
I… find myself in a state of baffled bemusement there. Not sure if I want to laugh or facepalm. Silly Sunbutt. At least she got her counterpart some much needed vacation time. I just hope it doesn’t come with a very long-sleeved jacket.
This isn’t quite the first time human DIamond Tiara has spoken—she got a few lines in Twilight’s branch of “Best Trends Forever”—but it’s definitely the most significant role she’s had in anything resembling canon.
Hmm. Were friendship studies a regular part of the CSGU curriculum before Twilight opened her school? I’ve seen her stay in Ponyville framed as a form of remedial education; it would certainly make sense in this context.
Oof, Royal Canterlot Throat Strain must be rough. Luna always did handle the Voice better.
A full nine semesters… That hurts even worse than the aside in “The Road to Friendship.”
The way to a school administrator’s heart is through the promise of an infinite budget.
You heard it here, folks. Skywriter is Dread Cthulhu. Also, a cult of sunken R’lyeh either infiltrated Ponyville… or lived there for years and nopony noticed that particular strain of madness amidst all the others. I could see either possibility.
Speaking as someone whose mother taught at my high school and who got to hang out in the faculty areas, I can confirm that any educator would embrace the opportunity to vent their frustrations by beating an Elder God to a pulp with a star.
Ah yes, Diamond Tiara’s powers of rabble-rousing. Sometimes used for good, sometimes for evil, and here, it’s honestly kind of ambiguous. Up until she proposes arson.
So… how much water can a pigeon carry? And was it transported in coconuts?
Ah, there’s Sunset’s martyr complex kicking in. She’s never quite gotten over the “it’s all about me” attitude; it’s just shifted somewhat.
… I can honestly say I never imagined human Mayor Mare and Sunset getting into a fistfight. Certainly not Sunset losing the exchange… though she’s not the one who’s gone mad with funding. (Unlimited funding! *lightning crackle*)
I can’t blame Apple Bloom for taking martial arts classes. At her school, it’s only rational to develop some degree of self-defense, even if it isn’t against the dark arts.
I suppose Apple Bloom learned how to pick locks from Daring Do movies as well. 
… There is something eerily prescient about humans being upset over a pony overlord being dismissive and inconsiderate towards them.
Apple Bloom demonstrating how Celestia failed worse with herself than Sunset is amazing.
Human Lyra wants to believe. At least, I want to believe she wants to believe.
And there’s the driving motivation for Celestia. She doesn’t want the ride to end. The denouement really is a wonderful way to bring the spinoff and this generation to close.
I do appreciate the lampshade hung on One-Fifth Less Warm.
Using the magic of friendship to pad your college transcript… Unexpected, but it works.
Wonderful bookends with Celestia’s pride in Sunset.
Luna deciding it’s about time for a crusade is amazing and I will brook no arguments.
So yeah, with that, I can smile knowing that Equestria Girls got a conclusion, if not necessarily an official one. Now, let’s see what extra credit I can get out of this assignment.
Celestia’s Pride 1W
Instant
Creatures you control get +1/+0 and gain lifelink until end of turn.
The sun princess can literally glow with pride, as can those who inspire it.
Squabbling Students 1W
Creature — Human Child
Squabbling Students can’t attack or block alone.
Tap five untapped creatures and/or lands you control: Transform Squabbling Students.
We all have our awkward years.
3/3
Friendship Graduates
(W) Creature — Human Advisor
Friendship Graduates’s power and toughness are each equal to the number of creatures you control.
Other creatures you control get +1/+1.
Some are lucky enough to learn from them.
*/*
Pigeon Chorus 3W
Creature — Bird Band
Flying
Finale — Whenever you sacrifice a Song, create a 1/1 white Bird creature token with flying.
Sometimes the true musicians of the world appreciate humanity’s attempts at flattery.
2/2
Shining Sovereign 3WW
Creature — Noble
Alicorn (This card is also a Pony Pegasus Unicorn when not cast as an Adventure.)
Flying, vigilance
4/3
Solar Grace 3W
Sorcery — Adventure
Put a +1/+1 counter on each creature you control. (Then exile this card. You may cast the creature later from exile.)
Celestia’s Solar Smackdown XW
Legendary Instant
(You may cast a legendary instant only if you control a legendary creature or planeswalker.)
Celestia’s Solar Smackdown deals twice X damage divided as you choose among any number of target attacking or blocking creatures.
Centuries ago, the princess solved her own problems.
Vent Crawler U
Creature — Human Rogue
Soulbond (You may pair this creature with another unpaired creature when either enters the battlefield. They remain paired for as long as you control both of them.)
As long as Vent Crawler is paired with another creature, both creatures have skulk. (They can’t be blocked by creatures with greater power.)
1/1
Knockout Initiate 1U
Creature — Human Monk
Whenever Knockout Initiate deals combat damage to a creature, tap that creature. It doesn’t untap during its controller’s next untap step.
“The greatest victory is the battle not fought. Next greatest is the battle won in a single blow.”
1/3
Untimely Absence 1U
Instant
Exile target creature. Return it to the battlefield under its owner’s control at the beginning of the next end step. Surveil 1. (Look at the top card of your library. You may put that card into your graveyard.)
None suspect the source of Equestria’s convenient inconveniences.
Anthropoid Infiltrator 2U
Creature — Shapeshifter
You may have Anthropoid Infiltrator enter the battlefield as a copy of any Human creature on the battlefield.
Changeling shapeshifting is limited in the human world, but still highly effective.
0/0
Supernaturalist 3U
Creature — Human Scout
When Supernaturalist enters the battlefield, look at the top X cards of your library, where X is the greatest power among non-Human creatures you control. Put up to one of them into your hand and the rest on the bottom of your library in a random order.
2/1
Wandering Chronomancer 3U
Creature — Human Wizard
You may cast Wandering Chronomancer from exile.
1U: Exile Wandering Chronomancer.
A wizard arrives precisely when she means to.
2/4
Mandatory Friendship Studies 1B
Instant
Target creature gets -2/-2 until end of turn.
Metalcraft — If you control three or more artifacts, that creature gets -4/-4 until end of turn instead.
Students already thought school was a form of torture. Princess Celestia’s reforms didn’t help.
Spoiled Scion 2B
Creature — Human Citizen
Exploit (When this creature enters the battlefield, you may sacrifice a creature.)
When Spoiled Scion exploits a creature, create two Treasure tokens. (They’re artifacts with “T, Sacrifice this artifact: Add one mana of any color.”)
2/1
Villainous Monologue 2B
Sorcery
Reveal any number of black cards from your hand. You draw that many cards and lose that much life.
“To be fair, Twilight does it too. She just talks about friendship.”
—Starlight Glimmer
Cultists of the Sunken Isle 3B
Creature — Pony Warlock
Exploit
When Cultists of the Sunken Isle exploits a creature, search your library for a Horror card, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library.
2/3
Diving Vulture 3B
Creature — Bird
Morbid — As long as a creature died this turn, you may cast Diving Vulture as though it had flash.
Flying
Despite their reputation, some vultures have very picky palates, preferring their food at just the right level of piquancy.
3/2
Personal Crisis 3B
Sorcery
Target creature’s controller sacrifices it unless they sacrifice two other creatures.
Feeling like there was nothing left for her in Equestria, Celestia wandered into the human world and found even less.
Juvenile Delinquent 1R
Creature — Human Rogue
Riot (This creature enters the battlefield with your choice of a +1/+1 counter or haste.)
Whenever Juvenile Delinquent attacks, it gets +1/+0 until end of turn for each card in defending player’s hand.
No more teachers, period.
0/1
Mad with Power 1R
Enchantment — Aura
Enchant creature
Enchanted creature attacks each combat if able and has “At the beginning of your upkeep, put a +1/+1 counter on this creature” and “When this creature dies, it deals damage equal to its power to you.”
“Why even go mad without it?”
—Discord
Mob’s Revenge 1R
Sorcery
Mob’s Revenge deals damage to target player or planeswalker equal to the number of creatures you control.
The students knew precisely where to direct their complaints.
Tempt with Funding 1R
Sorcery
Tempting offer — Create a Treasure token. Each opponent may create a Treasure token. For each player who does, create a Treasure token.
Most moral boundaries are actually tollbooths.
Academy Arson 3R
Sorcery
Destroy target land. You may discard a card. If you do, draw a card.
“Call it extra credit for chemistry class.”
—Diamond Tiara, spoiled scion
Steelbender 2G
Creature — Human Warrior
Whenever Steelbender blocks or becomes blocked by an artifact creature, Steelbender gains deathtouch until end of turn.
“It’s like working with aluminum foil, only louder.”
2/3
Lessons of the World 3G
Sorcery
Look at the top X cards of your library, where X is the number of creatures you control. You may reveal up to two creature and/or land cards from among them and put the revealed cards into your hand. Put the rest on the bottom of your library in a random order.
Student Mob 3G
Creature — Human Berserker
Riot
Whenever Student Mob deals combat damage to a player, draw a card.
Sometimes the raving horde has a valid point.
2/2
The Smooze on the Town 4G
Enchantment — Saga
(As this Saga enters the battlefield and after your draw step, add a lore counter. Sacrifice after III.)
I — Create a 3/3 green Ooze creature token with hexproof.
II, III — Destroy up to one target artifact. Put a +1/+1 counter on each Ooze you control.
Transit Portal 4
Artifact
2: Choose one —
• Exile target creature you control. Put a travel counter on that card.
• Return target exiled card you own with a travel counter on it to the battlefield.
With routes open, the two worlds grew ever closer.
Cthulhu, Dead but Dreaming UB
Legendary Creature — Elder Horror Cleric
When Cthulhu enters the battlefield, sacrifice it unless it escaped.
Whenever Cthulhu enters the battlefield or attacks, each opponent puts the top six cards of their library into their graveyard.
Escape — UUBB, Exile five other cards from your graveyard. (You may cast this card from your graveyard for its escape cost.)
6/6
Perils of Equestria 2(rg)
Sorcery
Perils of Equestria deals 2 damage to each Human creature if R was spent to cast this spell. Put a +1/+1 counter on each non-Human creature you control if G was spent to cast this spell. (Do both if RG was spent.)
Take Two 2WU
Instant
Each player shuffles into their library all cards in their graveyard that were put there from their library this turn, then returns all other cards put into their graveyard this turn to their hand. Exile Take Two.
Sometimes life calls a do-over.
Celestial Crusade 4WB
Enchantment
White creatures you control get +1/+1.
Black creatures you control get +1/+1.
Nonwhite, nonblack creatures get -1/-1.
“’Tis about time.”
—Princess Luna
media.giphy.com/media/Ky4g4wVyHbwWs/giphy.gif
I wasn't confused, I was horrified.
I saw him in the earlier voice actor panel, and not only was his voice horrendously unsuited for both roles, but he wasn't able to take direction like, say, Nowacking or whoever else was up there. (BlackGryph0n?) And this is somehow what he's known for?
I was later surprised to learn I follow him on DA. He's a great artist. And he needs to remain an artist and stay out of voice acting in my opinion, though I guess by 2019 it's a little late to make such a declaration. :B But this has been eating me alive since Bronycon, thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Alternatively, did they specify which three generations? Because otherwise, she may have just helped it get off the ground before moving onto her modern field-off approach. Or the school itself is only three generations old; I don't think this would contradict anything in canon.
To start with something outside my usual alerts, you get a lot of credit from me for remembering that Cthulhu was explicitly a "high priest" of some sort rather than an actual god. Oh, that reminds me...
Inside Baseball Alert: Cthulhu is using the same mechanics as the Titans from the upcoming Theros: Beyond Death. Yes, of course they're the kind of Titan that being on Greek Mythology World implies, why wouldn't they be with the hecatoncheires in evidence?
Programme Note: Something as easy to find on Gatherer as an ability word that was only used for a single cycle doesn't warrant an Inside Baseball Alert, even if that cycle had a naming scheme that the new card follows.
Stupid Complicated Game Alert: If Steelbender blocks or becomes blocked by multiple creatures, only one of them needs to be an artifact for it to gain deathtouch... and that deathtouch will still work against non-artifact creatures. For additional laughs, it'll be there for the rest of the turn and works for non-combat damage, so go ahead and have it eat a dude afterwards. (Look, it's still less silly than Rowan using Will as a club due to several choice cards in their color identity)
Now I'm imagining you as one of those back alley salesmen in trenchcoats, but with homemade Magic cards instead of counterfeit watches.
5184856
My first thought when reading this wasn't "well made fake Magic cards that would pass as real for the unaware", it was "rectangles of paper with card art and details scribbled on them, possibly in crayon" and that mental image is even more hilarious.
5184820
Alumx is a god damn national treasure, how dare you.
5184892
He's a good artist, I just hate his fucking voice.
5184895
Lol different strokes for different folks. I personally love his Celestia voice!
So, when are you gonna compile all your cards into Unstable?
"… There is something eerily prescient about humans being upset over a pony overlord being dismissive and inconsiderate towards them."
...Do you know something we don't? :D
First and foremost, thanks for the video link.
Now, on to the cards:
I'd not call it a "crusade," as that word carries very different implications to those of us who belong to other branches of the so-called Abrahamic tradition (and there's no great significance to crosses in Equestria), but yes, it's long overdue.
From a ludonarrative perspective, the card's a bit odd - it feels like most of Equestria's evils (as opposed to minor menaces) are likely to be black-aligned, moreso than Luna, who honestly strikes me as WU.
Well played on the Celestia's Solar Smackdown flavor text, by the way. Ditto for the Wandering Chronomancer.
I'm a bit perplexed by the use of metalcraft on Mandatory Friendship Studies - was that intended as a reference to Celestia's coming to grips with technology? Microphones and P.A. systems already exist in Equestria, oddly enough.
Although Cthulhu is the Priest of the Old Gods, I think Elder Horror might work better for its subtypes if you're going to model it after the Theros (and Magic 2011) Titans.
5185047
Well, first, that set name is already taken. And to add insult to injury, Unhinged took the horseshoe expansion symbol that also would have been perfect.
Second, there's some other guy in these comments who's actually trying to do so.
5185591
Cutie Mark Crusaders. Your argument is invalid.
5184919
Celestia voice plus male pronouns plus praise equals you're shitposting again. (My sound card is mostly broken, but you have to admit that this combination is incredibly eyebrow-raising on the face of it)
5185614
I thought Alumx was a dude? Is that not the case?
5184820
Glad I could provide a platform for you to vent on this. And yes, that was BlackGryph0n as Diamond Tiara, along with Nowacking narrating.
5184829
It wouldn't; it just defies my expectations. I imagined the school as an institution nearly as old as Canterlot. Though I suppose it being a more recent addition would explain why even Celestia bowed to Neighsay in matters of education. That and her not being a petty tyrant. Granted, I'm happy to cherry-pick from something as dubiously canon as this.
Also, tagging in 5185674 on this one: Alumx is indeed a guy, at least biologically. Herald, your sound card may be busted, but if you can play silent video, you can see him walk to the table around 0:21. The voice in question is a deliberately absurd falsetto. At least, I hope it's deliberate.
5184856 5184869
And now I'm imagining myself as the Resident Evil 4 merchant, only underneath the coat, it's all binder pages full of hand-scribbled cards.
Got somethin' that might interest ya.
5185230
More reflecting on how FiM got to end while EqG just stopped. Though I for one welcome our pony overlords.
5185591
Color identity can be like D&D alignment. Something not made for the system won't always slide in neatly when forced into it. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Mandatory Friendship Studies is a reference to one of the best names in Unstable. As for Cthulhu... You know, I was going to say the optimal choice would be too long, but given Neheb the Many-Printed, I can absolutely make the Great Dreamer an Elder Horror Cleric. Doing now.
5185674
My point was supposed to be that, biologically speaking, it is nearly impossible for a full-grown man to believably sound like a woman. 5185835 is giving him the benefit of the doubt when it comes to even trying, but you? I mean, "different strokes for different folks" can be read as admitting that there's nothing necessarily wrong with being silly, and there are apparently at least two people who didn't realize how on-brand that would be for you (neither of those downvotes were me)
5185835
Ah, thanks.
:)
5185941
I dunno about impossible. I have a trans friend who puts on a very convincing female voice, and I've heard non-trans men do some pretty decent impressions as well. Though, for the purposes of an informal panel like this, it's not like they needed to be pitch-perfect. I mean, BlackGryph0n's Diamond Tiara voice wasn't exactly convincing, but it was fine enough.
That said, I'm with PresentPerfect here. Alumx did not even try to sound female, and his voice was about as far from Celestia as you could get. Maybe it would've been fine if the entire reading had been like that, but hearing him next to professional, official voice actors, it was very awkward and distracting.
5188534
I know it's unusual for people on the Internet to use words correctly, but I did say nearly impossible.
5188602
lh4.googleusercontent.com/_tR6AHVwsCID4THaXoGEgWxX-f-15rcxL5y2OYSEPUqQqSRP5rS3rk7hRwiyohkhhLpGgBwF6yKB21txCCoteGP5utH_YiERMKwtglzPVL-lX9DURLNEgZcQjUvPKzlGec94iebW
My favorite part was when Pinkie and Dash broke the 4th Wall at the end