By special request: Blast Hardcheese and the "Space Mutiny" Slave Mutiny · 9:46pm Jan 30th, 2019
Recently, TheJediMasterEd posted a blog about how the classic Mystery Science Theater 3000 "Names from Space Mutiny" running gag could be mined for awesome pony gangster names. I relayed a related tale of personal hilarity in comments, and have gotten multiple requests to repost it to my blog. So!
A few years back, our local tabletop RPG group was starting up a new Dungeons & Dragons campaign. When the four players got together without the GM (who lived in another city) to do some character creation, the team ended up as … let's just say eclectic. I rolled an elven barbarian, for example. (It sort of made sense in context: the setting had an evil human empire as the centerpiece, and nonhuman races were oppressed. There was a group of elven freedom fighters in the nearby forests who guerilla-raided settlements; my character was one of them who had been captured young, sold as a slave, and became sort of a Conan/Tarzan-esque domesticated-wildling servant to a rich young noble.) My friend N., meanwhile, made an orc druid from the far wildlands. He rolled maximum Strength, then was having some trouble coming up with a name and just gave up and called him Blast.
"Blast Hardcheese!" I joked. "Buff Drinklots! Trunk Slamchest! Fist Rockbone!"
That was when I discovered, to my surprise and delight, that nobody had a clue what I was referencing. I halted character creation, grabbed my phone, and pulled up a video compiling the original MST3K clips:
(Go ahead and take about 60 seconds to watch it. It's worth it, and you'll want the context for maximum hilarity.)
The hilarity left such an impact that N. actually made "Blast Hardcheese" the character's name — and at that point we were giggling too hard to do anything but run with it. We ended up spending the next half an hour riffing back and forth, quipping D&D-themed Space Mutiny names at each other. At some point, we realized we had an Opportunity. We started compiling the very best of them and quietly slipped those lists into our stacks of game material.
Our payload having been prepared, let's skip to a week later:
We meet at N's house. The GM has driven into town for game, so we tell him all our character concepts, then start playing the intro session — in which the characters first run into each other as prisoners in a slaver camp, and start getting together to hatch an escape plot.
We all look at each other and start lowkey sliding our lists of names out as the time comes for in-character introductions. "And I," N. says, miming an arm flex to give us the cue, "am Blast Hardcheese."
"Buff Meatshield!" I immediately deadpan.
"Swing Spellsword!" M. chimes in.
"Flex Halberd!" C. says.
"Grob Tightpants!" N. adds.
And we just start machine-gun riffing around the table. "Bear Suplex!" "Swole Greenskin!" "Ding Levelgain!" "Dakka McNatureguy!" etc.
The GM — who was not in on the plot — starts laughing his ass off. We somehow manage to more or less keep it together, long enough to go about four times around the table. What the hell, the GM says. I show him the video. We get the laughter out of our system, then let the moment pass and pick up with the adventure.
Ten minutes pass. Something something quest hook NPC. Blast strides up. "And you have the axe of Blast Hardcheese!"
There is a quiet rustle of paper as our second lists get pulled out from under our character sheets.
"Orc Hardpec!"
"Huge Climbcheck!"
"Grunt Treefriend!"
"Squat Deadlift!" etc.
The GM starts laughing so hard he's crying. We break up as the rest of us descend into laughter ourselves. Everyone finally manages to get themselves under control. We pick up with the adventure.
Something something jailbreak, confront the slavers, big epic moment, we square off against the evil guards.
"Your mistake," Blast's player says dramatically, "was opposing Blast Hardcheese."
There's a moment of pregnant silence.
Mostly because the third list has already been pulled out in anticipation.
"Leaf Sixpack!"
"Stab Swimtrunks!"
"Grease Barkskin!"
"Hold Person!"
Our GM starts laughing so hard he literally can't breathe. At least two of us end up on the floor. Game stops dead.
"Oh my GOD," he says five minutes later as we're finally struggling for composure, "how many of those do you have?!"
I give him a super innocent smile and nudge the lists for rounds 4 and 5 back underneath my character sheet.
"Oh yeah," M. says. "We're TOTALLY done."
…And that's how Space Mutiny references were banned from our gaming table.
I should note that none of the names in the post above were on my original list; I just started riffing them together so I could retell the story without source material at hand. So this is mostly an excuse to link to the original material I located and photographed.
N.'s tracking down his list, too. Not sure if the others still have theirs.
That is fantastic.
Still have that one on dvd; it's one of the best... or at least my all time top 3 or so MSTs. Hell the whole episode is good, the name thing is just the top highlight alongside railing kills and the high pitched screaming.
I read the original list (how could I not) and just lost everything at PEC MOREPEC! Thank you for this!
That's dedication. :D
A. Mazing!
Wonderful. Absolute perfection.
BULK BICEP!
...no, wait...
You've done a great service, educating the heathens on the glory of Blast Hardcheese.
I just wanted to inform you we have determined that "Fizzlebeef" is what happens when Tempest gets swole.
5006854
HORN FIZZLEBEEF. BLAST DROPKICK. FRIENDSHIP McPUNCHMOUTH. JERK SODA.
BLAST FIREBALL. Delayed.
GRUNT MANSAW
5086832
Infectious, isn't it? :D
5087412
SPREAD MEMEPLAGUE I mean yes