(A few) Thousand Words of Noise: Writing about depression. · 8:02pm Nov 5th, 2018
Have you seen this story in the feature box? It's called "A Thousand Words of Noise". It's one of Monochromatic's newest stories, and to be honest, one of her extremely important ones.
I don't... like saying things like that because it makes me sound like my opinion is important or I think myself as particularly clever. I'm neither, but in this case, what is important about Mono's story is that it really, really gives the reader a good look into the hidden sides of depression. The parts that make depression an every day struggle to just fucking be, and that are always hard to express both in the moment of it, and out of it - be it when the depression lifts or when we have days that I call 'head above water days', where for some reason things suck just a tiny bit less and you have 4 more spoons to function with. If you've never heard of the spoon theory, it's an analogy used by folks to represent (initially) how chronic illnesses can cause a low energy, which can make it very difficult to do things, and (later) folks realised that it works well to describe why folks with chronic and severe mental health conditions (and in some ways, those on the autism spectrum) struggle to complete more than a few tasks in a day due to the fatigue of simply having to cope with those conditions.
But anyway, that's... neither here nor there. What I loved about Mono's "A Thousand Words of Noise" is just how... gah, real? it feels? I already hold Monochromatic in very high esteem. She's an awesome person, hilarious to talk to, and an incredible writer. But what I really look up to her for is her ability to put to words how mental illnesses feel.
I'm not saying that in a 'she's so brave for struggling with it' sort of way, cause that's dumb and kinda patronising. What I mean is that she seems to be able to struggle through the poverty of language most people often have when trying to find a way to describe the experiences of struggling with things like depression and anxiety, and does so in a way that is painfully relatable.
And I mean painfully. I have these moments when I can tell I'm way over empathising with something and I end up with this pain in my chest just to the right of my sternum. It's taken me years to figure out why I feel that way, but... again, I'm getting off topic.
"A Thousand Words of Noise" does a wonderful job of making the reader feel where Twilight is at. And for anyone who has struggled with depression, the feeling of episodic memory based on flashes and snippets is really, really drawn out by Mono's use of 100 word vignette's. It's masterfully well done, and we end with a pulchritudinous story that ends with a sort of sensitivity that we expect from ponies (and what I kind of have come to expect from Mono, tbh), that also draws light to the fact that sometimes... sometimes depression does come back.
The frustrating thing is that monopolar depression is rarely, and I mean rarely single episode. There's two qualifiers that exist in the DSM V and ICD-10 for depression: single episode and recurrent. To be blunt, the only time I use the single episode qualifier is if this is the individual's first episode. Otherwise, depression tends to be recurrent. If you've had one episode of Major Depression (Criteria used by MDs and therapists listed here), you have a 50/50 shot of going into remission and never experiencing it again, or having another episode at some point in the future. If you've had two episodes of depression, that risk increases to 80% likelihood that you'll struggle with depression again. And... it gets worse the more you've fought with the stupid Dark Thing in the Day that Depression often feels like.
But Mono also notes that depression does get better. It does lift, eventually. Sometimes it lifts over utterly stupid stuff. Allie Brosh, the author of the webcomic Hyperbole and a Half, once noted that laughing to the point of crying at a piece of dried up corn somehow started lifting her out of that depressive episode. As a young adult, I felt my depression starting to lift after spending what was literally a night crying over the death of Spock in The Wrath of Khan for... reasons I honestly don't know to this day. But it does lift, it does get better, and... it is something that can be beaten.
It's just not easy in the moment.
The lack of energy, the constant feelings of self-doubt and crippling feelings of worthlessness make it incredibly difficult to gather enough spoons to do more than just get out of bed. And... I'm not afraid to admit I have had days when things have hurt the most that getting out of bed is... honestly an exercise in futility. Which makes holding down a job hell when you're depressed, let alone trying to do things like go to school, get your degree, pretend to have a social life that is meaningful. You just don't have the energy for it, and if you used your week's worth of spoons yesterday, it seems easier to just say 'why bother'.
I'm not depressed. Not at the moment. I'm... not sure when - sometime between now and probably 8 months ago - that started to lift for me. I know that switching jobs, taking a shift that works with my natural insomnia, and finally getting back on my ADHD meds that allows me to use all of my brain as opposed to struggling along with only 20% allocated to actual functioning has helped lift that. As has getting a boyfriend, actually trying to engage in therapy instead of being an arrogant little shit and thinking that because I know what I'm doing clearly I know better than my therapist I don't any more than Threnody does, and trying to find friends who actually give me some energy back as opposed to taking taking taking has... really been helpful.
But... it's always there in the back of my mind. When is it coming back? When am I going to get to the point that things end up feeling so fucking... difficult that I'm yet again struggling to get into work? I've been looking at moving to Albuquerque (where Ebon Quill lives), but that freaks me the hell out because the surefire way for me to trigger an episode of depression is to move. I'm... not sure what the correlation there is exactly, but it's probably trauma related, which means that while I want to move down to be close to him... I also worry about it coming back and being a burden again.
I was speaking with Bronode, one of my two editors, the other night, and... we kind of got onto a discussion on how depression can still kind of linger in your subconscious. That there's sometimes this numbness that follows you that you have to actively try to avoid listening to the siren call of.
Which is why I find myself digging into deeply emotional stuff. Be it in what I write, what I read, who I interact with... anything to feel. I quoted a line from Tahereh Mafi's "Shatter Me" at the beginning of Chapter 14 of Speak because honestly that's... how it feels sometimes when you are struggling with depression. Obviously the character isn't struggling with depression at the time - she has some other issues going on that makes it hard - but it's so easy to relate to:
Sometimes I think the loneliness inside me is going to explode through my skin and sometimes I’m not sure if crying or screaming or laughing through the hysteria will solve anything at all. Sometimes I’m so desperate to touch to be touched to feel that I’m almost certain I’m going to fall off a cliff in an alternate universe where no one will ever be able to find me.
It doesn’t seem possible.
I have been screaming for years, and no one has ever heard me.
Depression can feel like this. And... then you cling to anything you can find. I think there's this quiet, intense desperation that we feel to connect and to feel something from another person. Even if that something is this deep dark emotionally painful bit that stings like the razor edge down our skin we keep digging into it because for once we aren't just so fucking numb. We don't feel disconnected from everything. It's why my friend Tsitra often likes things like Violet Evergarden to emotional crack. It gets the feelings going, though... to me it's less crack and more heroin. It brings me down and into a place that feels comfortable. Happy is extremely uncomfortable, because I'm just... not accustomed to it.
Don't get me wrong. I feel better. I have a relationship that feels healthy. One that actually makes me happy. I'm on medication that gives me half of my brain back. The one that is usually clouded by useless clutter. But like a siren at midnight, there's that part of me that is like 'but depression, sadness, and loneliness are comfortable' go back to them.
You don't deserve what you have.
God, I sound like Threnody. But... the fact of the matter is... I have to remember to not listen to those voices. To not listen to the noise. Because as much as the quiet voice inside my head likes to say "You don't deserve to be friends with folks like Monochromatic or Novel Idea or Somber", as much as it likes to bleat loudly and frequently that "You are actively making Ebon Quill's life horrible by making him put up with your shit"... I don't need to listen to it. Because that voice lies. They are saccharine sweet lies, but lies nonetheless.
I made a point to bring up Speak in a session with my therapist. Specifically, I brought up Threnody's bet with Dealer of not lying for 1 week. So that was my homework for 2 weeks. Holy fuck that was hard. But what I found... was that people will still accept you for who you are. Even unfiltered. And I filter myself a lot. But I also realised that... by not lying and unfiltering myself a little, it gave me the opportunity to accept the love and help of my friends to combat that stupid inner voice that likes to pick at me all day like ravens at my corpsified ego. It was't easy. It required me to break down and cry a lot more than I'm comfortable with.
But like Rarity said in "A Thousand Words of Noise", it's ok to cry. Sometimes we need it. Or, to quote Glitter Bomb, the bestest purple alicorn "Barf is gross. Crying is better. Eye vomit is easier to clean up.”
But honestly, go take a look at "A Thousand Words of Noise." I really, really don't think you'll be disappointed. And give Mono a nice word or an upvote if you liked it. She's an amazing gal.
On this topic, I also recommend watching Guy Ritchie's least-commercial movie Revolver.
It's worth noting that the popular face of Depression isn't necessarily the only one.
It isn't always the lack of self-care or the being unable to function because you're sad.
Some people can seem like they're always angry, that push people away and seem misanthropic and full of hatred. Because you're worthless and it's better that people hate or avoid you rather than waste their time liking garbage.
Sometimes it's like me. People think you're phlegmatic because you come across as friendly and happy and chirpy. You practice self-care, your house is clean and orderly, you're able to fake your way through friendships and a 9 to 5. The only place where the beast shows its face is where you have no fear and sense of self preservation- busy streets are stopped at to prevent inconveniencing others by delaying their commute because you got aced by a car. It's living that content life, but going home and staring down the barrel of a handgun and praying for the strength to pull the trigger.
Sometimes depression is obvious. Sometimes you'll never know. Sometimes the person themselves doesn't know, because it feels normal.
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Yeah... it's... exactly that as well. I know I didn't touch on it, but... this is 100% accurate. Side note: folks like that are the ones I worry about a lot in my job as a crisis clinician because they are statistically more likely to complete suicide on me. Depression shows up in a variety of ways, and it's... unique to each person, each situation, each... moment really. I know I didn't do a good job of capturing that... But yes, you're right. It wears many faces, and sometimes ones we don't always see.
Once more, I find myself reflecting on elements that I see in myself. I came to terms that I hide behind these...veils, people kind-of saw me as this 'background' person, just a shadow really, and for the times I spoke out differently, that....well it wasn't a pleasant time, so I hid, made myself more apathetic to everything, snarky attitude too. That was a....dark time for me, and the scary thing was, I 'knew' what I was doing to myself, yet I continued to put myself in that state of....despair, shall we say?
Now, given my job and that fact people I work with actually like me, not because we're co-workers, but give a damn about me is certainly a change, and I act more animated and upbeat again, more-so than I did years ago. Sorry if this sounds like i'm rambling, but the point is, both the story you write and these blogs make me see the cracks in my head, those 'voices' that tend to pull at my mind, really is an eye-opener.
Insightful post as always!
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Argh, I always end up feeling like I need to apologize profusely to everyone and everything for when I miss details like that. I get so focussed on one thing that I end up missing points, or forgetting that there's other sides, or just... I got excited talking about one thing that I only show this tiny little window of what is actually going on. Like, i know stuff is going on that is more than just what I covered as far as depression goes. Intellectually, I know that I also basically discussed things in the scope of like, the point of this post was: which was to get folks to read Mono's story. But... at the same time I can't help but want to kick myself for making these dumbassed mistakes because it's. Always. Details. I can do a good job of painting a picture of a forest for people until they ask how many trees are in it.
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Thing is, you have friends!
You don't have to feel bad, because we can expand upon what you've said to make it a more well-rounded post. Otherwise your post will drag on way longer than you intended and go wildly off-topic!
Also I can't imagine the performance anxiety that a therapist for a psychiatrist goes through. It does kinda blatantly solve the Mailman Dilemma though.
And you have friends who can tell you when you're being wise and when you're being a silly little pony. This post is wise (and nice to highlight a friend), but you're being silly worrying that people will be offended or left out because what I mentioned didn't fit in the narrative of the blogpost so it wasn't included.
I remember reading a news article* that said the psychiatric profession was considering lowering the bar for diagnosis of chronic depression, potentially to a limit of two weeks after a traumatic event.
Which sounded like the premise of a Monty Python sketch:
"Now then, your mother died two weeks ago--are you still sad?"
"Not a bit!"
"Fine, you're perfectly normal. Next patient please!"**
* Because of course the best way to learn about a fraught, complex and poorly-understood medical condition is to read what a Journalism major has to say about it. After their editor has cut out all the boring stuff you probably wouldn't understand anyway.
** "Send in another victim of industrial disease, ha-hah!....splendid..."
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I mean... the APA does some really... to be blunt, dumb shit. So I could see them doing that. I don't know that we have a definition for complex bereavement, but like... idk. I think there is one in ICD-10 coding, but that would require the APA to accept research from outside the US, which is frankly just unAmerican! (please note that last bit was thoroughly dripping in sarcasm). That... is kind of a funny mental image though. But it's also... sadly, sometimes how therapists deal with things like grief counselling. Grief is... not fun to deal with. Mostly cause all you can do is be like 'yeah, that... sucks. A lot. And you're probably gonna want to be nice to yourself as you work through it." But... some people never do. Like ever. So it's... always kinda weird.
Idk. I love we have the DSM, but it's also the weirdest thing that we have this book that is like "This is a list of things we see people doing that makes them feel bad, and this is how we diagnose people, based on our observations and
sometimes if the therapist rememberstheir subjective experience." But that's also why I'll frequently annoy my billing department cause I'll put an adjustment disorder diagnosis on someone, which is literally a diagnosis for insurance companies to bill when you're not 100% sure the person isn't having an issue that will resolve after they get through a tough spot. I don't like tossing diagnoses on people unless I think it's helpful for them to give a name to what they are fighting and trying to work through.But that's just me personally, and I've been told i'm a weird therapist, so ymmv.
Moving is traumatic to most people honestly. The fear of change or of failing to make the correct choice is often something that can trigger depression. I've felt that quite a few times for a multitude of reasons. However I've learned recently that change is how humans grow stronger, or generally move forward. Otherwise we fall into stagnation and complacency, unwilling to change at all. And never fear failure, or making mistakes. To FAIL is to Further Attempts In Learning, failure isn't bad at all.
My apologies, i know the concept of moving causing depression was such a small piece of this. It's really the only thing i knew how to word somewhat correctly in this case. Thank you for listening though... or reading technically in this case.
thank you for all the insights
Being vulnerable is hard... even when one isn't particularly strong... I think I may have thrown away a lot of my empathy because of that behaviour.
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Well, I don't know if this ever got approved. It may have just been something they were contemplating.
Assuming the reporter even got it right in the first place. Let me tell you a little story about science journalism:
In my younger days I worked on the Space Shuttle. On an early flight there was some damage to the tiles on the nose of the Shuttle from ice falling off the external tank during ascent. The ice formed there before liftoff because cold oxygen vapors, being vented from the liquid oxygen in the external tank, caused the moisture in the humid Florida air to condense and freeze on the surface of the tank.
But do you know how an award-winning science reporter in a major local paper reported it?
He said hydrogen vapor being vented from the liquid hydrogen in the external tank combined with oxygen in the atmosphere to form ice.
You of course have seen the dramatic footage of that fateful day when the dirigible Hindenburg exploded and froze over Lakehurst, New Jersey:
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/1/1c/Hindenburg_disaster.jpg/310px-Hindenburg_disaster.jpg
"It's bursting into ice! It's freezing! OH THE HUMANITY!"*
Now, it isn't as if NASA didn't try very, very hard to disseminate the reasons for the ice forming. And it isn't as if the physics of the situation are particularly difficult to understand.
But if a science reporter could get a fundamental physical process so fundamentally wrong--what do they get wrong about psychology? Or sociology?
Or politics?
Autocrats would have less success fucking with the news if journalists didn't fuck it up plenty on their own.
* Too soon, bro?
First few paragraphs: Reminds me of a series called The Stormlight Archive. Basic premise is broken people save the world.
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Ah, that's... a good point. My... somewhat sardonic response about the APA though is also driven by the fact that for some reason the thought group that was reviewing eating disorders for the DSM V was located out of the University of Louisville while I was a grad student. We were very excited, as a lot of new research was going into (and seems to be showing) that overeating disorder is also very much a form of disordered eating that can exist outside of depression. However, that panel decided to strike it down as not something worth pursuing. Now, Kentucky isn't exactly the healthiest state in the Union (I'm... not sure what people would expect from the home of KFC and Jack Daniel's), but I couldn't help but wonder if there weren't some bias going on given that the professors doing the peer reviews themselves probably weighed double what I did at the time.
It also has a long history of ignoring research from outside of the US, and... idk. Basically the tl dr is that I wouldn't put it past them. XD
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Before there was fast food, Louisville invented the Hot Brown sandwich. So, yeah, I see your point.
Thanks for pointing out to me that story, encouraging me to read it and this entire post. Its not often I can look back on my own experiences and see them in a good light.
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I'm glad that it was helpful!
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Are there... people that aren't broken?
Huh very nice.
You are with words what an painter is with a brush.
This is...quite a bit to think about.
Nothing I haven't heard in some way or fashion, but it's still nice that somebody had the courage to come out and say it all anyway.
Some people need a voice to listen too, to bring them out of the dark, even I'd those voices don't quite reach them all the time...