New York New York! · 4:06am Nov 6th, 2017
Handyman reporting in.
Holy shit what a week.
For starters, New Orleans was a blast even though most of the week had endless setbacks, unforeseeable events, unexpected layovers and not just for me. To put in a summary of events so as to not inadvertently dox any of my IRL friends or their relatives of the shit I went through from Setting foot on the United Airlines flight out of Ireland and Landing in Newark I encountered: a sudden onset rainstorm that covered almost fully half of the east coast, which flooded Jersey City and left me stranded at the airport because the flight crew for my flight was 'delayed' and UA, being UA (their infamy spreads well beyond America, trust me) decided it would beswell to send my luggage onwards to Syracuse in North New York on an earlier flight so I was stranded and I didn't have a change of clothes, my washback or anything else but my bare essentials, documentation and wedding suit I own which was in my carry on luggage.
So my friends (we had planned on roadtripping it down to New Orleans) had to travel to Newark on the way down instead of me meeting them conveniently in Syracuse within an hour or two of their planned departure. And were subsequently delayed by nearly seven fucking hours because of road blocks, floods, Jerseyites giving them inaccurate directions. Meanwhile I was slowly going mad as I was delirious with lack of sleep from the night before my flight (wherein I was attending ANOTHER wedding as it turns out back in Ireland. Irish families, you WILL attend weddings and you WILL like them. For the sake of the married couple at least). And I couldn't afford to sleep in an Airport, because obviously, so anyone who has been in that situation can sympathise. We laughed about it in the car of course but at the time I was as stressed as I ever have been.
I have never seen so many billboards in my life. America, stahp. Urban sprawl, I have discovered, is an abomination unto God and offends my Irish sensibilities. Physically remove, please and thank you. That said, American truck stops are surprisingly clean and well presented, or maybe thats just the ones I ran into on the way down to Louisiana going through the deep south wherein I met many a friendly black man and bearded mountain man buying beef jerky and in one case I was all but ordered by a friendly store clerk to try the seafood in NO, seeing as he was raised somewhere along the coast.
We laid over in Bristol, Virginia, which is a very pretty town though it is slowly morphin into a city proper or so my friend tells me. I slept in a spooky, rundown 100+ year old house that was honest-to-God haunted. Or so my friend swears when he told me the story ON THE NIGHT BEFORE HOLLOWE'EN THE JACKASS. They only discovered the building had a third floor because a ghost in a reoccuring dream told him about it, when it was on absolutely no plans or records of the building. Ever. And they actually had to go and investigate it personally before seeing it laid out exactly as it was in his dream, because all the ghost wanted was for people to know she was up there and that that floor existed and my friend told me to be sure not to forget about her. Well I won't now, will I? Ass. Oh and the ghost was a perpetually nine foot tall lady who was always soft spoken and polite, never angry and never hit her head on the ceiling. Don't forget about her. I never did get to sleep that night, but that may have been because I was sleeping on the floor, or my perpetual insomnia as of late. On the upside I did get many funny stories from his time living in Virginia, such as the one time he stopped, just at the turn to his house in his old truck with a General Lee licence plate back before it got totaled (its the South, go figure), how this 300 pound black woman with a messenger bag strolled the fuck up on his window, knocked on it to get his attention, and asked if he wanted to buy some meth which, presumably, she had made in her bathtub earlier that day. The sheriff lived not a block away. This is the same city where a drug dealer set up shop not a block away from the local school and told passing kids to not do drugs and stay in school. Its also the same town that is also simultaneously religious enough to both care about and to stir up controversy over a Parish priest being a former member of the SSPX, not for his traditionalist views, but because of the controversy about whether or not the SSPX counts as schismatic or whether they recognize the authority of the Pope or whether or not the Throne of St. Peter is sedevacante. Which is about as Catholic a dispute as I can imagine having. What even in the fuck, America? There was also Lawerence, who famously ran from the cops outside his house, with his mother shouting out down the road "Don't do it Lawrence! Don't fight whitey! Just go with him! It'll be easier!" "I'm not going nowhere!" *Is tasered* "Oh lawdy! Not my butthole! Don't tase mah butthole!" "I told you Lawerence! I told you!"" Again, I repeat, what even in the fuck, America?
In any case, a calamity of errors occured: The minister, a friend of both myself and the groom, got arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct... by his own father. His sister fender bended some guy who decided to rake her over the coals for all the money he could get out of her and couldn't come, his father couldn't come, the bride's father couldn't come, literally none of their friends came despite them offering to pick them up on the way, we were delayed in Virginia for another day, unexpected fees in the hotel, unsure arrangements, food catering cancellations, (in the end we had to order pizza for the twenty or so people who ended up coming, I shelled out the hundred bucks for it in the end just as a wedding gift and to just hurry the process along so the groom had less to worry about) and about a million other things I could go into but would rather not. Needless to say, with apparently the world out to get this couple, they got married on time (with a well timed churchbell ringing in the distance at the moment of the vows while we had the wedding ceremony in a secluded New Orleans garden at night, nice one, God) and I couldn't have been happier to be a groomsman (also I did eventually manage to pick up my luggage... in New Orleans after I had UA finally fly it there and had to all but force the UA baggage guy to go in back to find the damn thing, useless shower of cunts the lot of them). I eventually took the grooms brother out to get drinks on Bourbon street so as to take him off the groom's hands. Bourbon street, I think, should be renamed, Mistake street, so many of them get made there after all. Things that occured in order: Obtaining mardi gras beads out of season, being solicited for strip clubs, being aggressively solicited for shots by admittedly attractive women trying to take my wallet from my cold dead fingers when all I wanted was chicken, damn it. Why does a chicken place have girls with colored shot tubes trying to shove the alcohol down your throat in return for money? Fucking Bourbon street. Oh and being solicited for marijuana and crack in the middle of the damn street with cops not even a fucking block away. Shout it louder why don't you? You trying to get nabbed? Apparently New Orleans is famous for the work ethic of its drug dealers, guys literally get up at 9 in the fucking morning and peddle drugs every hour of the fucking day with the chances of being arrested going up logirythmically with each passing second. How any of them stay out of prison is a mystery to me.
And then I nearly got hustled, happened at a gas stop, this guy came up on my friend with some sob story about having aids, I almost didn't notice the guy in the red hoody coming up behind me. By the time I had him made he was no less than four or five feet from me but gave me a pass when I kept my eyes on him.
Which is funny, because absolutely no one gave me any problems when I more or less wandered around NO lost and blind earlier that day like the ignorant Irish savage I was.
New Orleans is a beautiful city... after a fashion. Takes some adjustment but if you like old shit, New Orleans has got you covered, also the WWII museum and the Insectarium were awesome, although in the latter case, it was really the butterfly garden that sold it for me. Shit be pretty yo. I didn't get to see nearly enough of the city as I wanted to, sadly not that Cafe everyone fucking raves about because, frankly, the rest of New Orleans got in the fucking way. I'd definitely go back there to get to experience Cafe DuMont if nothing else, since literally everybody I have asked about it swears by it. And I will have a tour guide in the person of my friend next time and NOT A FUCKING NEW ORLEANS WEDDING to get in the way of it. Honestly getting my luggage back, getting showered, shaved and in a fresh change of clothes after multiple ten+ hour road trips in Southern heat was probably my fondest memory next to the wedding itself. It as good to see that man finally married to the love of his life, they both deserved it after all they've been through.
The countryside on the way down was absolutely stunning. I didn't get to appreciate it as much as I would have liked, the Blue Ridge mountains, I learned, was once apart of the Mourne Mountain range back during Pangea, when Ireland was crushed up against what is now virginia, indeed, the countryside reminded me a lot of Ireland. The smokey mountains and all the forests on the way there dressed in autumnal glory was a sight to see. Alas, I could only drive through it, no nature for me. I will say though that at times, America seems less like a country with roads and more like roads with a country. The most disappointing thing I found about driving through America was how little difference there was state to state. I know some people would think thats a good thing, but that level of cultural homogeneity over that vast a distance is actually depressing in a way, more so because the cultural diversity of America was absolutely stunning in its starkness from state to state in the past (note I am talking about actual American cultural diversity, not importing cultures from elsewhere en masse, easy mistake to make) This was noticeable in the accents which I could tell differed from Yankee to Dixie on the way down but beyond that, there was little to distinguish them to my ears beyond exaggerated representations in the media. It was less like a staccato spread of differing varieties of English accents I had expected from my experiences in England and Ireland, and more a case of a sliding spectrum. I guess I just care abhout shit like that.
In any case, I am currently in Manhatten, New York, and have been since Friday and let me tell you, it was initially overwhelming when I first stepped out of Penn Station. But aside from that, Manhatten is almost insultingly easy to navigate (New Orleans would have been a pleasant drive with its one way system, but New York would frustrate me with its gridline street structure and frequent stops. Walking, getting the subway or else letting someone else do the driving is highly fucking recommended, FUCK that headache) I do like all the expected New Yorky things I discovered, like the subway rattling beneath my feet in the gratings, the steam coming from the very ground itself in the night, and, surprisingly, how friendly most people are. I had always been given the impression that New Yorkers were normally fast paced, hard hearted sorts but I guess I'd see more of that side of New York if I spent longer here. Shit that in another time would make for a gritty setting to a noir novel or film now strikes me as antiquated, quaint and distinctive. It has become a feature of what is New York and I love it for that. And the street vendors, man the guys here have that shit nailed down to a science. I wasn't expecting to run into quite so many halal meat vendors, which I had to avoid (pretty sure Catholics can't eat food given in sacrifice which, I think, includes Halal and even kosher, food but I need to check that shit. Only became a problem one when I had already ordered something in an eatery but I didn't see halal written anywhere so I have to assume its alright) The Museum of Natural history was awesome, and I am glad I got to see the site of the World Trade center memorial, which made for a grim and sobering experience. Got out to Ellis island and lady liberty (though I was upset to discover I needed to book reservations online to actually go up to the crown which I had been planning on visiting.) New York has a lively night life, but I am not one given to clubbing, or bar hopping outside of the occasion calling for it. I have been enjoying my time here immensely. Getting Ellis Island and a Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral out of the way (two must-dos for Irishmen visiting Manhatten) I did miss out on the fight here in Maddison Square Garden on Saturday night, wherein I ran into other Irishmen who came here explicitly for it (I wasn't about to shell out three hundred for the fight on the spot for a ticket). There's a disappointing amount of homeless people in the streets, so that's a definite downside, the poor guys.
I am sorry for the radio silence, but getting on wifi long enough to do shit is a rarity here in America, my carrier gives me no data for roaming beyond Europe apparently (go fuck yourself O2) and the chapter should be out tomorrow, sorry about all that shit. I also had to spend America with bad coughing, bad sleeping and bad stomach (but thats been going on for literally months now so what can you do?) I will be staying in Manhatten for one more day, all day tomorrow (Monday) and will be going back to Ireland TuesdayTo make up for reading a textwall with no material updates for the story, have this animation I discovered a few weeks back on Newgrounds from the one time I went there. I love you all and I appreciate all your support and patience with me throughout this entire time. This shit legitimately makes me want to pick up animation again after all these years...
Well crap as a New Yorker I fell I should apologize for the snafu traveling threw here.
Welcome to the country alas I agree with the billboards New York is bad with those.
Wow, you have certainly had quite an adventure, hopefully the rest of your trip goes well
This...this sounds like an Oscar-winning comedy script right here.
Also, as a devout Papist myself, that thing about the SSPX priest is so wonderfully Catholic. I would've loved to see how that discussion went down.
Sounds like a trip, and yeah, billboards. You grow to care about them less, the longer you stay. It's mostly over the highways and cityways anywho. Of course, to really notice cultural differences area to area, you kinda need to stay in them longer than an hour.
This blog post is just me wildly impersonating Handyman. Maybe. Maybe not.
Since you're still in New York, enjoy some Broadway parody:
welcome to america handyman
we want your money
but not you
now get back on your UA flight and get dragged off back to potato land
jk
I hope you enjoyed the trip, despite all those nasty hiccups. I hope the bride enjoyed her wedding too, as that whole incident reminds me why my parents decided a small wedding was simple but perfect.
4718457
I don't mind them so much in New York, Time Square is a sight to see afterall. I absolutely loathed them however on the journey down to Louisiana, they marred the beautiful countryside with their needless placement.
In NO, however, they took a funny twist. The Ambulance Chaser lawyers are amongst my favorites. But the Christian ones took the cake, where, not even Churches but individuals shelled out who knows how much money to rent out billboards for the specific purpose of reminding people God loved them with Bible quotes and nothing else. Not selling anything, not telling them to go places, just quotes. It was touching in a way.
Wouldn't have billboard normalization in Ireland to save my life however, you Americans can keep that innovation. The only thing worse where those monstrously tall signs indicating nearby stores, wallmarts and eateries in various Urban Sprawls.
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It mostly has truth be told, but now I understand why my friends referred to United Airlines as Air-Ghetto. I thought RyanAir were cheap untrustworthy truents. man was I wrong.
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It was funny, I never did get to visit that church however. I did get to go to Mass in a Cathedral in New Orleans though (also called St. Patrick's funnily enough), small as Cathedrals go (St. Patrick's in New York is amongst the biggest I have ever been in and I've been to Rome), it was Ad Orientum even though it was Novus Ordo in the vernacular. Which is expected of New Orleans Parish which is apparently the most reactionary (both politically and religiously) Catholic diocese in America without being remotely schismatic. As my friend told me, there its always 1776, which goes well with a quote he told me he read in some northern travel magazine "Welcome to the South, where strangers are always welcome but change never is." They practice the Latin mass every week, apologize for nothing, expect more out of everyone they meet in New Orleans while still blessing them and want the state to bring back the Duke. Frankly its hilarious and charming that the most stridently Catholic diocese in the country has its base located in New Orleans, easily running for the most corrupt city on the fucking continent.
Come to think of it, New Orleans is the one city that'd need that sort of strident morality the most.
4718472
Oh I figured, I guess I was expecting the differences to be more pronounced over the greater distances as that is what applies in Europe.
4718488
Of course it probably isn't maybe not?
4718516
Saw that abridged episode. The way they handled Anderson's forgiveness of Alucard was astounding and far more appropriate and awesome than the way the original anime did that final fight. (though obviously I didn't care for Alucard's direct blasphemy immediately after but thats to be expected for me) the seen with Anderson's death in the anime was genuinely touching as it was, the abridged slightly less so but it made up for it with me being just as furious as Alucard when Walter killed Anderson's withering body. Astounding writing.
Dat song tho.
4718517
The poor girl was stressing out as literally everyone around her was letting her and the groom down left and right, but when it finally came, it all worked out. It was supposed to just be a small wedding, but it went sideways in spectacular fashion everywhere. I tried to help but ultimately, I was a guest, all I could do was moral support and help set shit up. That all aside I have enjoyed my stay here in America immensely and would come back in a heartbeat as soon as I am able, first time being here since I was seven and its like it both hasn't changed at all and has changed immensely.
The one thing that always surprises me though is the lack of variety of shit in the convenience stores from place to place. I would have though America would be exploding in variety of junk food because capitalism.
4718522
alas capitalism is a two edged sword. A lot of smaller businesses get edged out or bought out by established ones. It also varries so much by state and even individual store that it’s kinda crazy how different each can be.
Two stores similar in what they sell across the street from each other might have very different stock.
Yeah, my country is a pretty magical place. Stay away from California though.
4718518
It's mostly because the people of America think of themselves as one nation, rather than the conglomeration of states that it is. There are some clear differences here and there, still. It's just the easiest way to find them is to spend time in the local bars or the countryside.
Pretty sure kosher and halal foods aren't given in sacrifice, but rather prepared in such a way because to do otherwise would be impure. Like abstaining from pork, or the never mix seafood and dairy rule. It's not given in sacrifice, but doing without or doing the extra work is the sacrifice itself. There's supposedly a sacrifice ritual for halal meat, but I think that's more of a thanks giving sort of thing than an actual oblation. Ask the vendors, they undoubtedly know more.
I did a brief google search, and so far the only source I can find that is in a firm "no" position is one that read as if it didn't believe that Jews or Muslims should be allowed to live alongside good, honest god-fearing Christians in the first place. Other sources cite St. Paul, 1st Corinthians, as dealing with the issue, but I never bothered getting that far in the bible.
That there was little context to this makes it all the better.
The first and only time my dad been to New York City, he stepped out of the airport and saw a cop tackle and cuffed a guy. Great first impression of a place. This was during the 80s.
Seems the dislike faeries have given us a visit
A few points about your comments on culture. First, the US is freaking huge and was largely developed with relatively modern infrastructure (or at least lots of horses) unlike Europe which developed for thousands of years with walking as the primary mode of transportation so everything is more gradual and spread out here including cultural transitions. Second, Europe has a history of semi-regular wars between closely neighboring groups while America was founded as colonies by massive empires which would not tolerate that kind of infighting within their colonies. Third, the highways you are traveling along tend to carry people from all over the country which is going to further blend and homogenize the people along them and especially the ones actually working in the traffic stops. Fourth, your accent probably clearly marks you as a foreigner which is going to affect people's interactions with you, especially for things like asking directions because it would be insane to expect you to know how to get somewhere in another country.
That said, as someone who has personally lived in places that are strongly aligned each way politically, I can definitely confirm that the similarities are definitely much stronger than the differences overall. Outside a handful of crazies who are given far more attention than they deserve and a media complex that has completely lost its mind, the biggest difference is in little details like gun advertisements which really don't matter.
4718518
Honestly, those are kind of essential to find things in a lot of sprawls, especially in the more suburban areas where you'll have big trees blocking your view of the actual buildings until you are right on top of them and can't stop. I definitely get where you're coming from because they are definitely more than a little ugly and presumptuous, but they do have real practical value.
4719033
You see, my problem with that explanation is it does not explain the previous sometimes massive cultural differences between the different states just two decades ago (and even moreso before that), the differences in gradation between the development of the states vis a vis Europe doesn't suffice for an explanation for the almost unprecedented homogeneity culturally across the continental United States. To take another example lets look at America's southern Neighbour Mexico. Given allowances for native American influences on its culture its regional cultures are usually very vibrant and divergent from eachother, even when accounting for regions that are mostly descendant from White Spanish vis a vis the more mixed regions. Indeed people from these regions would be affronted if you called them Spanish, instead insisting on being called by their regional nationalities (which after this many centuries, it is fair to recognise them as nations in their own right at this point, even by European standards, I don't just count from the establishment of the political states of Mexico or the USA). The USA also had divergent variations on its cultures from state to state, even the ones that were mostly settled by the same admixtures (White Anglo state vrs another White anglo state, not counting Irish Catholic Maryland or the cauldron that is Louisiana).
I am not saying I didn't find cultural variations in the US, I know it had them from all the history I have read and learned about the country, what is fascinating, and disappointing about America is it is rapidly losing its internal cultural variations which even smaller countries elsewhere have, variations it had previously but is losing now. Its actually interesting watching the 'ironing out' of diversity Globalism is having on America and how it seems to be advancing here a lot faster than in smaller European states (but is nevertheless, definitely happening over there as well)
4718488
Ah, so are you the one who's giving a thumbs-down to literally every comment on here? ;)
IT
KEEPS
HAPPENING
4719221
Maybe, but at the same time, if you listen to the news America is "so divided" and the like, so I'm not sure how much trust to put in older claims of more extreme divisions because I'm not old enough to actually say for certain if that was ever the case. Most of the country was settled by people from the original colonies who mostly came from England in the first place, so you have a fairly homogeneous starting point and not all that much time for things to diverge from there. The only real exception is French Louisiana, but they got fairly surrounded by Americans and tied into a lot of other stuff thanks to the Mississippi so I'm not surprised at your assessment that they are culturally similar to the rest of the country at this point (I've only blown through the area once on the highway and didn't have time to stop due to other problems so I don't have much perspective on that unique corner of the country, although I'd very much like to get down there at some point).
As for the later immigrant populations like the potato-less Irish, they generally didn't have too much cultural impact because they were moving into established population centers and were generally looking to start a new life and integrate themselves into their new home so they largely changed themselves to fit into American culture rather than bringing their own with them. About the only thing that stuck around was the food, although like all food transplanting there has been significant mixing into all kinds of offshoots with varying degrees of popularity ranging from interesting one-offs to widespread norms like Hawaiian pizza.
4719329
Oh ye of little faith...
4719338
You cheeky little shit, I bet you were just waiting for someone to shit talk your deadline missing to post it.
Is it just the one cockbite down‐voting every comment here? I can’t even tell what’s got his panties in a twist, there’s not a common thread between the comments here beyond them being comments that are here.
edit: I love you too, honey.