Read It Now Reviews #110 – Rookies, In Hindsight, Child of the Dying Sun, Dragons Don’t Like Flowers, Apple Sense · 1:03am Sep 5th, 2017
It has been a while since I put out one of these, but I’ve been reading up a storm in the last few days and decided to stop being lazy and start writing reviews again. I’ve got about half of another review set done at this point as well, so hopefully I’ll have more soon. Possibly even some stories, as I have a couple which are presently in editing stages.
But enough of the future, it is time for the recent past!
Today’s stories:
Rookies by SPark
In Hindsight by Aragon
Child of the Dying Sun by OkemosBrony
Dragons Don’t Like Flowers by Twinkletail
Apple Sense by Godzillawolf
Rookies
by SPark
Sex, Romance, Slice of Life
6,124 wordsRainbow Dash really likes kissing Applejack. When things go a little bit beyond kissing, though, the relationship between the two mares gets difficult in all kinds of ways. But Applejack knows that marefriends talk to each other, and she's sure that somehow everything will work out in the end.
Why I added it: It was featured, and “Rainbow Dash really likes kissing Applejack” is a good line.
Review
The story’s description includes the following disclaimer:
This story earns its T rating. It is not a clop fic, but expect to find frank discussion of sexual matters within.
This much is true.
However, it also starts out with a passage that would not be out of place in a clopfic, as Applejack and Rainbow Dash start getting hot and heavy, and then Rainbow Dash skips out.
This story is really broken up into two halves – the first half features Applejack trying to talk to Rainbow Dash, who is avoiding her, and the second half features Rainbow Dash being uncomfortable with intimacy. It switches perspectives at the halfway point as well, as it shifts between the two.
The biggest problem with this story is that it is 6000 words long, but it doesn’t really feel like a lot happens in most of the story. Rainbow Dash being unsure about sex is a very reasonable premise for the story, but the problem is that premise ends up being most of the story – the story only really directly addresses what is going on at the very end, while the rest feels almost like filler, as the story repeats more or less the same thing across several scenes.
There’s five scenes of Applejack looking for Rainbow Dash, which is rather too many, as four of them are basically the same thing (i.e. she looks for Rainbow Dash but can’t find her) that don’t really accomplish much other than being spacing. Having one or two of these for spacing would be okay, but four of these was overkill before she finds Rainbow Dash on the last one.
This seems like it would lead to some sort of climax, but the audience doesn’t really get much payoff for their patience – we just get Rainbow Dash saying she’s not ready to have sex with Applejack yet, but not much of a sense of emotional payoff past that. If the story had done more to crank up the tension Applejack was feeling in these scenes, maybe just Rainbow Dash still wanting to be Applejack’s girlfriend would be sufficient payoff, but there isn’t a strong sense of tension and the story only really tries to crank it up a couple paragraphs before it is defused, resulting in it not really doing much.
We’re then lead into the second half of the story, where we get three scenes of Rainbow Dash feeling awkward about physical intimacy with Applejack. The problem is, ultimately, that these scenes again feel like they should be building up a lot more tension, but the story feels like it is deflating the tension – the first scene has Applejack rapidly deflate Rainbow Dash’s worries about getting worked up. The second scene establishes the conflict of “Rainbow Dash fantasizes about Applejack but doesn’t really want to have sex with her”, and the third resolves that conflict.
And this is really what robs the story of a greater sense of impact. The story’s conflict is not any sort of external conflict between Rainbow Dash and Applejack, but an internal conflict between Rainbow Dash’s own libido and internal sense of virtue. But it is only in the second to last scene in the story where we get a strong sense of what the actual conflict is, and then that is resolved in the last scene. This makes the rest of the story feel kind of pointless; it isn’t that the rest of the story doesn’t do anything to establish Rainbow Dash’s mentality, but that we don’t get a sense of gradual development of the central conflict. Indeed, in the light of the central conflict, the scenes of Applejack searching for Rainbow Dash don’t really add much to the story at all – if we had instead seen Rainbow Dash freaking out internally over whether or not Applejack would want to be her marefriend anymore, or being worried about Applejack wanting too much and Rainbow Dash being scared of saying no, it would have done more to further the plot, and establish what is going on earlier on in the story. But instead, we see those scenes from Applejack’s point of view, where Rainbow Dash is missing.
Without a central cohesive thread running throughout the story, we don’t really get a strong sense of progression until the end of the piece. And while I liked the sentiments at the end of the story to some extent, it didn’t really feel like the story really paid off as a whole.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
In Hindsight
by Aragon
Romance, Comedy
15,951 wordsThis is a story about Rarity's hips.
(All good stories are.)
Why I added it: Aragon is a good writer.
Review
Applejack and Rainbow Dash are soulmates. Rarity knows this. It is so obvious.
Sure, maybe they don’t know that they’re together. Or are dating. Or are in love. Or really show any meaningful affection towards each other whatsoever beyond what you’d expect of besties.
But Rarity has an eye for romance. She knows what is going on.
Twilight isn’t so sure. In fact, she’s pretty sure that Rarity is just flat out wrong. I mean, really, Rainbow Dash and Applejack? If anything, they seem more attracted to Rarity than anyone else. Or at least her butt. (Though, in their defense, Twilight does have to agree that Rarity has a very nice butt.)
So of course this means that Rarity must drag Twilight along to constantly spy on and gossip about Rainbow Dash and Applejack, no matter what the two of them are up to, be it hanging out randomly, being stingy by sharing a meal, or fighting some sort of horrible monster.
After all, if they spend that much time together, it must be true love, right?
Despite being a contest entry in an AppleDash contest, this is really a RariTwi story, and a rather amusing one at that. Aragon’s characteristic humor and wit are on display, and there’s a great deal of funny dialogue in here. I have to admit I tittered a bit here and there, and definitely had more than a smile or two while reading this. This story is even long enough that it includes multiple running gags and brick jokes.
But this is also the greatest weakness of the story – this story is, somehow, very nearly 16,000 words long, and despite its great length, it does not feel like 16,000 words of stuff happened. The dialogue is often rather circular, as the characters spend almost the entire story arguing over whether or not Applejack and Rainbow Dash like each other, and this leads to a great deal of predictability as things keep circling around in pretty much the same pattern over and over again. And while some degree of repetition and reinforcement in these things can help emphasize a point, this story goes beyond a degree and goes into enormous amounts of it. Combine this with the fact that the story is almost entirely dialogue-based, and you’ve got a story which has quite a bit of talking heads, something which can definitely be bothersome to people.
That being said, talking heads aren’t necessarily a bad thing – stories which are heavily based on witty dialogue can be a lot of fun, after all, and there is a lot of fun here (and goodness knows I love my dialogue). Still, I can see this story wearing thin on some people before the end, as the arguing seems to go on interminably, and we get five scenes of more or less the same argument playing out repeatedly until we get to the sixth scene.
The essential question is whether or not the humor is enough to carry the audience across the finish line before the repetitive nature of the conversations alienates them from the piece. For me, it did, but for some folks, it might not be enough.
Also, if you are not really comfortable with the idea of ponies ogling other ponies, this one seems to really love talking about ponies admiring Rarity's hips, as it comes up repeatedly, so be warned. The story description, like Rarity's hips, don't lie.
Recommendation: Worth Reading if talking heads and repetition don’t overly bother you.
Child of the Dying Sun
by OkemosBrony
Slice of Life
4,015 wordsWhen the portal opens between Equestria and the human world, Twilight Sparkle and Sunset Shimmer are reunited, only for Twilight to find out something about her she did not know: Sunset is older than Twilight thought.
Much older.
Why I added it: It was featured.
Review
Sunset Shimmer returns through the mirror to Equestria so that she can visit a graveyard with Twilight and start putting her past in order.
However, as Twilight gets to talking with Sunset, she realizes that Sunset is, in fact, extremely ancient. A description of Sunset’s life follows.
This, honestly, feels like a headcanon dump kind of story, but worse, it doesn’t feel like it ends up going much of anywhere. Sunset talks about what she did and why she kept running, and at the end has said that she’s going to try and put things back together, but it is really more backstory than story; the actual story in the present is very brief, and it all feels kind of pointless – which it explicitly is, as Sunset has realized that running around left her life empty.
But it left me empty, too, because it didn’t really add much in the way of emotional resonance or additional hooks to latch onto me with. I’m not left feeling like this backstory really added much to Sunset’s character, and the story itself, such as it is, doesn’t have much of an arc.
Someone just telling someone else about their backstory for several thousand words isn’t tremendously interesting to read unless there’s some major payoff, and this doesn’t really have it, nor does Sunset’s telling of the tale have any particular flourishes to it which would make simply listening to it fun.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Dragons Don’t Like Flowers
by Twinkletail
Comedy, Random
2,122 wordsDragons are large. Dragons are mighty. Dragons are powerful.
And yet.
Written in like an hour and a half on 3 1/2 hours of sleep.
Why I added it: I blame Present Perfect.
Review
The dragonlands are overcome with the terror of flowers.
No, really.
This is one of those random jokefics that is kind of just an absurd situation. I figured out what was going on pretty early on, so I was not terribly surprised by the punchline at the end, though I did appreciate it intellectually.
Really, though, this is 2000 words used to justify a punchline that is okay. I know there are some people who like that sort of thing, but unless you really, really make me groan, or the rest is independently amusing, it seems like 2000 words is a bit long for such a thing.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Apple Sense
by Godzillawolf
Comedy, Slice of Life
3,486 wordsDuring the events of Somepony to Watch Over Me, Applejack acted a little strange. After reading about it in the now published Friendship Journal Pinkie Pie thinks she knows the reason. And being Pinkie Pie, she won't stop until Applejack knows the consequences of ignoring an ability that's in her blood.
Why I added it: It was featured, and the idea of Applejack having an Apple Sense is kind of amusing.
Review
In the aftermath of Fame and Misfortune, Pinkie Pie realizes that Applejack has the Pie Sense, a sense that every member of the Pie Family has (so I guess they’re cousins after all!). Applejack at first denies it, but there could be consequences! OoooooOOOooo!
Sadly, this did not really do it for me. I actually like the core idea of Applejack having Apple Sense, as it is rather amusing, and some of the evidence for it that Pinkie Pie presents is rather funny. However, the story itself goes into a lot of backstory about the Pie Sense, and unfortunately, it feels like it takes a general tonal shift away from humor and ends up feeling much more earnest – and ultimately, much more like a headcanon dump/justification/backstory for the Pie Sense, rather than a funny series of mishaps or Applejack being in denial of something obvious (or Pinkie Pie just being wrong and it leading to some sort of mishap in that direction). The tone it set up at the start, along with the expectations it created, didn’t really feel like they paid off in the end, and the whole thing ended up feeling more like a fizzle than a bang.
It was a clever idea, and some of the evidence was fun… but as a piece, it didn’t really end up coming together.
Recommendation: Not Recommended.
Summary
Rookies by Spark
Not Recommended
In Hindsight by Aragon
Worth Reading
Child of the Dying Sun by OkemosBrony
Not Recommended
Dragons Don’t Like Flowers by Twinkletail
Not Recommended
Apple Sense by Godzillawolf
Not Recommended
I hope everyone is doing well! I’ve been sort of drifting around, though I have caught up on a bunch of episodes, which is a good thing. I’m starting to warm up a lot more to Starlight Glimmer, as I’ve enjoyed several of her episodes, but the Rainbow Bugs still bug me.
Other than Thorax, who is adorably hapless.
Enjoy the remainder of your Labor Day Weekend!
Number of stories still listed as Read It Sooner: 205
Number of stories still listed as Read It Later: 630
Number of stories listed as Read It Eventually: 2162
Second time being reviewed by you? Shit, I must be doing better on this site than I thought.
Yeah, looking back I'll admit my story was an info dump. I didn't see any problem with it when writing, but I've now got many comments telling me I need to dial it back down from eleven. Live and learn.
One of these days I'll get that "Not" dropped from your verdict of my stories. Until then, back to the Google Drive, I suppose
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You're getting your stuff in the featured story box! That's always a good sign.
Writing is a continuous learning experience. I'm glad to see you've kept writing!
As you should. :V You should blame me for things more often.
Awesome to see another review set! Clearly I have to start publishing stories fast enough that I can be in every one. :V
Oddly enough, despite being light on my reading lately, I've read two out of these five stories — guess our eyes have been caught by the same things. While I'm not as harsh on the ratings as you, I largely agree with the analysis.
I'm not quite going to lie -- this review spoils a bit too much of the story for my tastes. Especially regarding the hoofbump joke (that here is outright explained, so there goes the punchline in the story proper) and the Rarilight at the end of it. Would you mind editing that out? I honestly don't see the need to explain that in the review, it adds nothing and robs the reader of the surprise, yo. It isn't the most surprising of twists, but it is a twist, and just giving it away for no reason kind of annoys me.
4659078
Sorry.
I hate to be like "That was supposed to be a twist?" but uh... that was supposed to be a twist?
I thought that the entire point of the story was that it was an Everyone Can See It situation, except for the audience instead of the characters.
Like, the entire story is about Twilight and Rarity. Twilight looks at Rarity's butt and likes it. Twilight and Rarity get very cozy on the snooping cloud. Twice. The entire story is spent with Rarity arguing how Applejack and Rainbow Dash are totally a couple just because they're standing next to each other and hang out (sometimes without even realizing it), while Rarity and Twilight blatantly spend the entire story doing the same thing, except on purpose.
I mean, I thought that the fact that Applejack and Rainbow Dash kissed at the end was more surprising than the Rarilight.
Removed the hoofbump thing, though. Wasn't really necessary.
4659080
Oh, it's not like the most surprising twist in the world, definitely -- but with the story being clearly labelled as an Appledash contest entry, I expected a lot of people not to catch up with the fact that Rarity and Twilight are doing exactly the same they accuse Dash and AJ of doing. It is obvious if you're in that mindset, but a lot of people won't truly believe it's going that route till the very end (and reaction to the story so far has been that -- lotta people telling me they really wanted to see if they got together or if they were reading too much in Rarity and Twilight's interactions).
So yeah, I see why you wouldn't think it's a twist? Because, I mean, it's not exactly a Shyalaman thing, it's supposed to be kinda obvious by the end. But I also think it's best to go into the story without knowing anything about that being a possibility, and it just dawning on you as you read along. Makes the story more enjoyable, I believe.
Thanks for the edits!
4659083
Fair enough. Anyway, I did put it in spoiler tags it in the main review; some people really care about what ships they're reading about, but fair's fair, and you're not wrong that a number of readers will get something more out of it by being surprised.
Incidentally, I think that some people will likely seek out the story if you add it to that particular group as well, though you might want to hold off for another day or two before you do so (note that you can hide which groups a story is in on its story page, so if you do add it to that group, you can conceal the fact that it is a part of that group on the story page).
One of the unfortunate things about tagging stories is that it can give away stuff like shipping or certain kinds of plot twists (the Tragedy tag can be a spoiler via its very existence) but simultaneously it lets people know that it is Relevant To Their Interests. I guess I tend to err on the opposite side, of letting people know, but I do understand why that can be kind of annoying
I'm glad I held back from reading your review about Aragon's In Hindsight, because you really do give away too much of the story here.
After having read the story though, I agree with every point you made about it. Above all I grew tired of the banter - as humorous as it was - about half-way through, and really wanted some substance to come into play at that point. The conclusion also came to a screeching halt compared to the too-repetitive flow of the previous 15000+ words. But otherwise, it was a fun read.
Don't take me wrong about this, of course: FWIW I always read your reviews, have often found that they are pretty accurate (for my tastes) and I feel the overall reaction to this one was more than a bit over the top.
And I just realized that I gave you a "review" of your review, and now I feel silly.
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More seriously, I don't mind feedback. I mean, reviews are things, so why couldn't one review a review? Really, I appreciate hearing stuff from folks about my reviews, and whether or not they were useful or gave away too much or what have you.
It is always kind of a tough balancing act making sure you're not spoiling too much while simultaneously not being too vague about the story itself.
I'm glad to hear my thoughts aligned with yours about the piece, though.
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I have no doubt of that.
No matter whatever else might be said, I do sincerely appreciate the effort that you and others put into your reviews.