The Fallacy of Entitlement to Friendship or Love, BOTH Ways, with Sparity References · 9:20pm Aug 7th, 2016
Introduction
This comes up in MLP:FIM fanfiction mostly in connection with Spike and his long-lasting friendship / crush / love regarding Rarity, but it has general applications both to writing fiction and to real life, so I thought I should raise it. And one of the reasons I thought I should raise it is that most people who talk about this don't take it far enough. So I have a number of general points to make. But I'm going to start with a highly specific one.
(and I'm going to speak mostly from the male perspective here, because I'm more familiar with being the male in such situations, not having the past-life memory capabilties of a mature Alicorn).
I. The Accusation: "Rarity is mean to Spike because she doesn't love him back and look how hard he works to be good to her and show that he loves her."
It's usually framed in those terms, and almost always by adolescent or early-twenties' males (generally, those who have never known a real love affair, let alone marriage). And this is not a coincidence, because framed this way it shows that they don't know what love is about.
They assume that love is something that you "win" by building up enough "achievement points," as if it were a video game goal, and that being willing to serve another should count for achievement points in this case. By this logic, Spike says nice things to Rarity and is willing to act as her assistant, so she should fall in love with him. And if she doesn't, she's being an exploitative meanie who is cheating Spike of his proper reward.
II. The Nature of Romantic Love
The problem with this is that, even assuming the best will in the world on both their parts, this isn't what love is and it isn't how love works. Love is an intensely personal emotion, which is (assuming that one is mostly sane) directed toward another person whom you admire and like and (for it to be sexual love) is someone for whom one could feel sexual attraction (and the definition of this last part varies very much from person to person).
What's more, unless one is quite promiscuous, acting on such love by actually making love to someone is a major life decision, which is very likely to (should things work out) have major life changing consequences (such as marriage or a long-lasting love affair). Thus, it is something which is a very personal decision, (hopefully) not which one awards to another on some sort of achievement point system.
Imagine the sort of mare Rarity would have to be in order for her romantic or sexual love to work the way they imply it should.
"Hmm, Spike helped me clean the boutique twice this week, and he carried my supplies to and from that fashion show." (*scribbles on a piece of paper, works an adding machine a few times.*) "Oh, that drake is definitely getting a hoof job this weekend! Too bad he couldn't go on that shopping trip for me -- I would have given given him oral for that!"
I don't think Rarity's love is quite so mercenary and cold. Indeed, for Rarity to think this way, she'd be essentially acting as a whore -- just one demanding services in barter for sex. If Rarity were like that, I rather think that Spike would reject her, in horrified disgust once he realized her true nature. The more so because Spike has been raised to see helpful service as uncondtional love (he performs such services for Twilight Sparkle, and did so before he ever met Rarity).
Love is a personal decision based on a personal evaluation of the potential beloved. The beloved having been nice to one is, of course, generally taken as a positive factor in such evaluations (though maybe not, if he's obviously just sucking up to one in hopes of getting under one's tail). But it's just one factor, of many. And it has to be, because unless Rarity changes lovers like she does dresses, her decisions in this regard are important.
III. The Nature of Friendship
Friendship is a lot like this too, but the decision to attempt to befriend one or another person, or not do so, is generally less crucial. This is not because Friendship is less important than Romantic Love; it is because Friendship is less EXCLUSIVE than romantic love. If Rarity becomes Spike's lover, he is going to understandably complain if she then becomes Trenderhoof's lover, and Fancy Pants', and Background Stallions # 342 to # 371's. Thus, when one chooses one lover, one is implicitly rejecting all the other potential lovers, at least for the duration of the affair (which will hopefully be lifelong).
On the other hand, Rarity can be Fluttershy's friend, and Spike's friend, and Applejack's friend, and Coco Pommel's friend, and one does not normally interfere with the other. (There is a law of diminishing returns, of course, becuse any one pony only has so much time; we see this when we consider the way in which Pinkie Pie, who claims everypony in Ponyville (thousands of Ponies) as her "friend," actually spends more quality time with her really close friends, such as Rainbow Dash and Applejack, than she does with, say, Caramel or Lyra or Background Stallions # 342 to 371, who are sad that Rarity rejected them).
Thus, while friendship is definitely related to love (it's hard to see any romantic love enduring without the lovers also being or at least becoming close friends), and it's certainly a personal decision (one has to actually like something about the prospective friend), it's not as crucial, and one need not be as choosy. Because one is not choosing one's one and only friend, one can accept incompatibilities with a friend that one would not with a lover.
And we see ample evidence in vanilla canon that Rarity, in fact, does regard Spike as a friend, and an exceptionally close friend at that. She's willing to spend time with him, and not only when he's doing something useful for her. She trusts and confides in him. She defends him both from social criticism and physical threats, and becomes visibly and seriously upset when there's something wrong with him, to the point of neglecting her own more normal first concerns (appearance and social status).
First Conclusion: One can't "deserve" Love (nor for that matter, can one really "deserve" Friendship) from another based on performing services or buying them presents. This is because both Love and Friendship are personal decisions made by the intended lover or friend, and if that person does not like oneself that way, that's simply the way things are.
V. Can The Intended Judge One Wrongly?
But wait! Who says that the intended really knows and appreciates one's many sterling qualities which -- if she did -- would lead her to rapturously and enthusiastically declare her love for you? Can't she have judged one wrongly, based on neuroses, bad first impressions, or simply false assumptions about herself and others? Couldn't you change her opinion in the future by showing your better side in the future?
Why yes, of course she may have done so. The intended beloved is not superhumanly sane, observent, knowledgable nor wise. Some people seek out self-destructive love affairs (classic case being the woman who wants an abusive boyfriend and despises men who are nice to her). Some people miss the obvious. Some people are ignorant. Some are stupid.
(Though, seriously, if one thinks a woman is crazy, self-destructive, inobservant, ignorant and stupid, why do you WANT her, anyway? There's an obvious answer to this question, and one not always favorable to a judgment of the character of the pursuer).
This actually doesn't apply well to Rarity, though I notice that fanfic writers often stick these traits onto her to make the scenario work. She's crazy only when she gets carried away with her creativity or depressed because a plan fails to work, she's self-creative rather than destructive -- and she is a highly-observent, educated and intelligent mare. She has blind spots and makes mistakes, but she is mostly very sharp. I have no problem understanding what Spike sees in her, and it's a lot more than what she has under her tail.
Spike's romantic strategy can be summarized as continually showing Rarity his best side. And it seems to be working, in that Rarity has gotten closer and closer to him since the start of the series. What's more, it also seems to induce Rarity to show Spike her best side, which is to say that they each inspire the other to be better than they might be without the other. That is a big part of what makes a love a healthy one, right there.
All that said, however, it takes two to make Love -- or Friendship. If someone rejects one, then that is the reality of the fact. If someone wants to be one's friend but not one's lover, than that is what one is being offered, and one must live with this. (The same is true if someone wants to be one's lover but not one's friend, and in that case this generally means the other person wants to use one uncaringly). And if someone wants to be neither, then this is how it is.
VI. How To Deal With Rejection
So, you're saying that one has to just sit around and take it?
No. No, one does not.
And this is where I go a bit beyond the usual advice, which assumes that the intended is a poor put upon victim and the pursuer a nasty git who is trying to buy love. Because, sometimes it's not like that. And, in any case, both parties have decisions to make.
The pursuer, after all, chooses to pursue. He is not forced to by unbearable and uncontrollable compulsions. (Not if he's even marginally sane, anyway).
(All the following assumes that enough of an attempt and response has been made for the pursuer to have evidence on which to react rationally).
If someone rejects one's friendship, past a certain point stop trying to be friends. Yeah, Pinkie Pie befriended Cranky anyway, but I'm guessing most persons in that situation don't have the psychic ability to pick the worldline that works out well for the desired friend and thus the capability to win friendship in such a fashion.
If someone rejects one's love, past a certain point stop trying to make love. This is true even if one thinks that the intended's reasoning is foolish or silly. First of all, she may have entirely good reasons to reject one from her point of view, and secondly, it's her decision. One can't control someone else's mind, and even if one could, doing so in this situation would constitute forcible rape in the moral sense of the word (eventually, the legal definition would catch up to the moral one, if mind control was real and worked).
What if someone says she wants to be one's friend but not one's lover?
The pursuer has to make his own judgment at this point. Does the intended really mean she wants to be one's friend, or does she really mean she wants to be one's not-love and she is (either from diffidence or worse motives) refusing to admit that she doesn't want to be one's friend either?
In the first case, does one really want to be oher friend, knowing that one won't get romantic love out of it? If so, it might be worth trying. If not, one is better off breaking off the friendship. (That may be cruel to her, but one gets to make one's own decision just as she gets to make hers -- it cuts both ways).
In the second case, then there's no real decision -- she doesn't want to be one's friend. End of prospective relationship.
There is a third case, and this is the tricky one. In this case, the intended really means "I want you to follow me around loving me hopelessly while I amuse myself by taunting you sexually, knowing that I will never love you back."
If one suspects one is in that third case, one should leave. Go away from her. Do not be her friend. Find new friends. Maybe someone who actually loves one back. Do not let oneself be used.
How does this apply to Sparity?
Well, Rarity has (as far as we know) never actually rejected Spike. This is, in part, because Spike has never explicitly asked for her love.
Why does she behave this way, when she obviously enjoys his company and has been aware for a long time that he loves her romantically?
Probably because she's not sure what she wants either, and she knows he's too young for her right now, but she doesn't want to lose his friendship, she doesn't want to close off the possibility of love with him in the future, and she doesn't want to say anything that could break their friendship. Because that friendship is very real and important to her.
Which means we're not talking the third case here. We're talking either potential love in the future, or at worst sincere and caring friendship.
The funny thing is that Spike seems to get all of this. Namely, that he may be able to win Rarity's love, but that he can't count on it, and that Rarity really is his friend even if she never becomes his lover. He's already decided that he is at worst in the first case -- and I think that he would, if rejected as a lover, remain her sincere friend.
And I think Rarity knows this, which is part of why she cares for him so -- whether or not it's only as a friend.
Conclusion: You can't make someone else love or befriend you, no matter how hard you try. You have no right to their love or friendship just because you've been nice to them. Conversely, they have no right to yours. (Right and wrong do enter into it if you've pledged a committment to one another, though). Love and friendship both depend on mutual consent.
And Spike and Rarity both get this,
Which is why I think they have a chance.
Well said. This jibes nicely with my headcanon of Spike and Rarity. In my view their relationship has only become healthier as the show has progressed. Besides, nothing says two
cartoon characterspeople have to be move beyond friendship. For many, friendship is enough.Oh, I see your mistake. You're assuming that women are sapient beings who have concerns of their own and aren't basing decisions solely on whether it makes men in their lives happy or miserable. Since the people to whom you're addressing this are the center of the universe, and other people only exist as they relate to them or the protagonist they've selected to represent them, your premise is obviously false.
(Well said.)
It's times like this that I wish I could upthumb blog posts. Seriously, I even had the mouse poised and everything.
I suppose I'll have to settle for a less automated and impersonal commendation. Alas, what savage times we live in.
:Clapping::Clapping:
That was brilliant. Well handle, and well thought out. I totally agree with everything you said.
I like that you're breaking down the idea that Spike is a "Nice Guy" and therefore "deserves" Rarity.
I always thought the complainers were more focused on the fact that Spike is a child and doesn't know any better, and that Rarity knows his crush is part of why he volunteers so much free time to help her, and they judge her for exploiting him for free labor, whether or not she ever intends to reward him in some way (though it is shown that Rarity gives Spike gems sometimes). I think the expectation is that Rarity should be more like Applejack, who when offered tons of free labor from Spike, seeks to tactfully decline out of guilt that she is profiting off a child's low self esteem issues.
On the other hand, Rarity is the embodiment of generosity, and that includes both giving and receiving. She knows how good it feels to help others without expectation of reward, so who is she to deny that joy to another, especially when there are gems to be dug?
And this is why if anyone is writing any ship, that the pair has to at least be able to connect for all the reasons you just outlined. A nice summation.
4137628
Yes, but Rarity's relationship with Spike is very different from Applejack's relationship with him. Spike is much closer with Rarity. As you point out, their arrangement is that she finds gems, he helps her dig the gems, and he gets a cut of the gems. This works out well for both of them. She probably treats him to various luxuries before or after working together with him at the Carousel. That's Rarity's normal approach to working with friends.
In general, Spike has been raised by Twilight to see "working with somepony" as something one does with a Pony one loves. He's relating to Rarity exactly in line with that pattern. And it helps him in wooing her. He gets to spend hours in her company, conversing with her companionably as they work together on various projects -- and he often gets to share relaxation with her when she's not working. He knows her far better than anyone save perhaps Fluttershy.
Rarity definitely cares for him at least as a close friend. She goes far out of her way to help him and protect him when she thinks he needs help or in danger. She will risk her own life to protect his. If she's "friendzoning" him (and it's far from obvious that Rarity even thinks that way) then she's quite serious about the "friend" part of it; she's not just taunting him with her unattainable sexuality (assuming that it is forever unattainable to him, which I would not assume).
In context: we are talking here about somepony who often addresses him by pet names and engages in public displays of physical affection toward him. Yes, she makes use of his super-equine strength and toughness, but he s super-equinely strong and tough. He is small, but he is also possibly the strongest of Twilight Sparkle's friends. He may even be in sheer physical terms stronger and tougher than Twilight Sparkle herself, a young Alicorn.
I think a lot of fans who analyze the physical labor of Spike's help imagine Rarity doing this to a young Human adolescent or even child, crushing him under immense weights. But Spike is neither Human nor Pony; he's a Dragon, and proud of his superior strength and resilience. In Post-Traumatic, he casually bashes his way through Rarity's front door because he thinks she's in danger; he's done similar things to physical obstacles in vanilla-canon. He's physically super-equine.
How would Rarity know how tough is Spike? Well, even in vanilla canon she's been friends with him for over a year; in the SWSV it's more like five years. She's seen him perform feats of strength beyond even most Earth Ponies' abilities; she's also seen him shrug off damage that would put any other Pony save for an Alicorn Princess in the hospital. And she's friends with Twilight Sparkle, who knows all this in greater detail than Rarity.
I suggest another source of this knowledge in Post-Traumatic (Rarity is speaking):
The implication being that Rarity has held him rather frequently. In the SWSV by the Season Five she's been routinely hugging for some months now, the relationship having become more explicitly romantic after the events of "Inspiration Manifestation," "Equestria Games," Divine Jealousy and the Voice of Reason and Twilight's Kingdom. This is actually hinted-at in vanilla canon; Rarity engages in public displays of affection toward him repeatedly in those epsiodes ... so what is she doing in private?
Thank you for your kind words on this.
4137339
Yes. It started as a one-sided shallow crush, and has grown into a real and deep friendship between them, which looks very much like at least a romantic friendship, and in any case is strong enough that neither would hesitate for an instant to risk his or her life for the other. The key development is when Spike learns to say "no" to her. That's the point at which Rarity starts treating him with greater respect. Rarity isn't normally under a curse, but she does normally tend to run away with her ideas, even her bad ideas, and she very much needs a real friend not afraid to confront her on this when it's necessary. Indeed, I would call that a necessary thoough not sufficient condition for someone aspiring to her hoof in marriage -- as Spike plainly does.
4137380
Yes, exactly. Rarity knows that if she decides to publicly and seriously acknowledge Spike's love and return it, she'll be to some extent committing herself to him even before she decides to take the step of having sex with him. Spike is not only one of her own best friends, but also effectively the younger brother of her leader and friend Twilight Sparkle.
Even were Rarity inclined to do something so cold as take Spike as her full carnal lover and then callously drop him ("Silly dragon. My true love is only for older Pony stallions, not younger Drakes"), this would be about the worst social move she could make, because Twilight could not help but blame him for hurting Spike in this case. And in any case, Rarity is no way no how heartless like this. She loves Spike, as a friend if no more, and she would never hurt a friend that way.
So it's a serious step for Rarity to take, no matter how you slice it. Fics which depict this as a casual "why not?" sort of situation are entirely missing the implications. Even a promiscuous Rarity, who was casual about sex in general, could not afford to be casual about sex in this instance.
4137423
4137503
Thank you.
4138096 You make several good points. Spike is far stronger than a human his age, or probably a pony (not really sure about earth pony strength levels here, but it's quite possible). I also agree that he's been raised by Twilight to spend all his time helping other ponies, though I'm a bit worried myself that he seems to think he has little inherent worth outside his ability to help others. But I can't actually think of any time we've seen Spike getting gems from Rarity, or them relaxing together just the two of them. It would certainly be nice to see that, but I'm drawing a blank on when that actually happened.
I also agree Rarity is extremely affectionate and friendly with Spike, and that she genuinely values him greatly. I suppose I'd just like to see Rarity/Spike day at the spa once in a while on screen, instead of just Spike carrying all of Rarity's bags.
I don't know if Sparity is even still a thing in canon. After introduction of Ember, he is more interested in talking with Glimmer or playing games with Big mac and Discord than serving for Rarity.
It goes a little deeper. It seems to me that a lot of that crowd you're talking about think that they're supposed to have a love interest because of what's in their shorts....and if they can't get what they're entitled to, they go to McDonalds and ruin everyone's Egg McMuffin with a semi-automatic rifle.
4138306
"Gauntlet of Fire," which introduced Ember, was also a huge Sparity episode. Rarity drops everything and ignores her personal hygiene the moment she sees Spike in trouble (she runs through Ponyville to the Castle of Friendship and comes before Twilight Sparkle covered in bat shit). Then she really drops everything and goes on a long trip with Twilight Sparkle to protect Spike on his quest. And her expressions at various points make her feelings for Spike very plain.
But what "Gauntlet of Fire," and other Season 6 episodes have shown, is that the dynamic is changing. Spike is growing up, and increasingly displaying his own considerable charisma and showing his worth in heroic deeds. He is admired by the citizens of the Crystal Empire; he's smart and savvy enough to ride herd on Starlight Glimmer; he befriends a female of his own kind.
The situation is changing in that it's now quite possible that Spike will fall for someone else first.
4138375
Well, I think only a very tiny minority of people who feel entitled in this manner will react to rejection by attempting murderous violence. Most will just stew in their own silly wangst. And complain about nobody taking them seriously, especially their intended beloveds.
Notably, canon Spike rarely does this. Instead, he tries his best to be the best Dragon he can.
4137423 hear hear. Good post!
(As usual, Mr. Jordan, I have little to add beyond mentioning the enjoyment your post has given me.)
This is a very enlightening essay. While we're on the topic, have you ever been in a love relationship yourself, or is that too private?
4141816
Yes -- I've been with the same woman the last 12 years, almost 6 of them as her husband. There have also been times I have been in the position of being the unrequited lover.
4142212 Got it. For future references, what are some things you're not comfortable talking about on this site?
4143307
I don't know ... were you planning on asking me very personal questions?
I will let you know that I've been friends with ... still am friends with (and not on this site) someone who could be the poster child for the sort of self-destructive personality who actually wants to be with men who hate her, and regards friendship as disqualification for love. Observing how she interacted with the world -- how she called trouble down on herself and everyone around her, generally by passive-aggressive means -- was a revelation to me. And I'm glad I'm friends with her only long-distance now. Needless to say, she strongly did and does "friendzone."
My wife is close to the opposite. To her friendship and love are very strongly linked, and she does not like abuse of any sort from a beloved. My wife is also my best friend, and has been for most of the dozen years I've known her.
4143322 Ok, got it. Let's talk some more in PMs. Also, I'm really sorry to hear that about your friend, but I'm glad your relationship with your wife is much healthier than that.