Wacky Box Reviews #5: haha what missed posts · 10:02pm May 2nd, 2016
Hey guys time for new featured box reviews following directly from the last one
I didn't skip like two weeks what kind of accusation is that
"this one probably" pick:
The Dangers Of Teleporting While Intoxicated by naturalbornderpy
Princess Celestia has a problem. Or perhaps it's Twilight Sparkle that has one.
Every few weeks, an intoxicated Twilight Sparkle will randomly teleport into Celestia's castle in search of snacks or simply for a place to crash.
So what could this all have to do with Celestia in particular?
(I'm not SAYING I can guess what this one is about but)
So this fic opens up with Celestia being confused about context clues. A guard shows up in her bedroom and he's all like "it's happened again" and Celestia's like "what happened again the apocalypse?"
and the guard's like "No I mean SHE'S back again" and Celestia's like "what's back again mrs. apocalypse?"
Then Celestia finally figures out it's Twilight and she's like AW MAN NOT AGAIN THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH.
So y'know, you'd really think she'd have guessed it was Twilight sooner.
I guess the apocalypse happens a lot in Equestria.
Celestia goes downstairs and finds Twilight eating everything in her pantry.
(artist's rendition)
Twilight's really drunk and she thinks Celestia is Rarity. Celestia's like "okay I guess I'm Rarity now" and she talks Twilight over why she's so drunk while she makes like a grilled cheese sandwich or something.
No I'm sorry it's
fried bread with melted cheese on top
But
After Celestia set the bread and cheese slices on the stove for a few minutes to crisp and melt, she loaded them onto a plate and set them on the table for Twilight.
she doesn't actually fry it so there you go.
Honestly this fic's not that bad. In fact it's kind of good. There's a kind of mom/daughter thing going on here with Celestia and Twilight. It's all warm and fuzzy and stuff. It's not a lot MORE than that, but it could have pretty easily been a lot less.
Honestly if I've got one complaint to make about the whole situation it's that Twilight's written like she's both blackout drunk and slightly tipsy at the same time. She's apparently bad enough down the hole to accidentally teleport to Canterlot and think Celestia is Rarity but she's slamming coherent thoughts together like woah.
Twilight gave her an awkward nod. “I guess. I understand, of course. It’s just… I miss being around her. Princess Celestia was always so smart and comforting whenever I was with her. It’s like there’s nothing to worry about when she’s there with you.”
On wobbly legs, Twilight scooted off her stool to stand. “I doubt I’m in any condition to fly… or teleport, either—considering I landed here just by thinking about it.”
“I could teleport you, if you wanted me to,” Celestia spoke lightly.
“Teleport?” Twilight asked her quizzically. “Since when have you been practicing teleportation spells, Rarity? Usually you use your magic for dress making and that type of stuff.”
Honestly I'm not super familiar with getting drunk, but if you're sloshed enough to not recognize your mothermentorprincessalsomayberomanticpartner you'd probably at least be slurring your words. It feels more like she popped something hallucinatory or injected herself with horse marijuana or something. I just don't believe she's actually drunk.
I mean, Twilight reveals later on once she's spooning Celestia in bed that she actually figured out Celestia wasn't Rarity and she's been faking it for a while but
Uh well that's either weird or creepy.
Your pick.
Also it's even more evidence that Twilight was never really drunk in the first place
Prosewise I guess I'd give this a high 3. The writing's smooth and it goes down easy. There's nothing really bad about it.
Obs thoughts I mean it's fluff basically. There's nothing really gripping going on here except Celestia being Twilight's mentormomprincessfriendandpotentiallyambiguouslover. Your enjoyment here is hinged basically on how much you love pure sugar. There isn't anything really WRONG with that, that's just what it is. It's not like a masterwork or anything but it'll probably warm that stone you call a heart for 2.6k words.
I give this fic a cotton candy.
"welp" pick:
You were supposed to SLAY the dragon, not LAY it! by Enigmatic Otaku
This is a mature fic so go ahead and stop scrolling if you don't want to hear about it
You had one job. ONE!
Cover done by skuttz (tumblr and derpibooru)
Proofreaders: Ghost Pony Rider
Socks
zoarvek
Flammenwerfer
Damien Darkside
Maybe it's just me and I'm old fashioned but I feel like your description should have more words in it than proofreaders.
I think this is actually my first review of a second person fic for wacky box. Lemme be up front and say I'm not a fan of the format, mostly because I've basically never seen a fic on this site use it as anything but a costcutting measure for writing clopfics. I actually kind of respect the economy of it, because it's basically a concession that people reading fics about penises in dragon vaginas aren't likely to care about your random human character. I don't even mean that as a slight against the author or anything, it's just sort of the nature of the genre. Odds on, nothing you do to try to develop Bob Humanman is going to make him a memorable part of your fic about mammals getting it on with reptiless, so you might as well just second person the whole thing and skip to the "good stuff." There's a valid rationale behind going with second person, is what I'm saying here.
THAT SAID I don't have to like it. There's a line between being economical with your writing and being kind of lazy about it and I think second person gets kind of close to the lazy side of the line sometimes.
Boy that was a lot of words about second person.
Anyways Bob Humandude (aka YOU) are climbing up a mountain to slay a dragon for some ponies. Spoilers it's Ember and she's a babe. If you've read the title, I'm promising you there's no surprise on what happens here.
I give this fic about a low three prosewise. Maybe even a two. It's okay and there's not really that much wrong with it, the writing's just not at the level where it's either enhancing the fic or getting out of the plot's way. A lot of words get spent describing stuff that isn't really interesting or important.
Eventually, with the sound of your own footsteps having been the only thing keeping you company, you enter a large, rather spacious chamber, filled with enormous stalagmites and stalactites that had you briefly concerned if you had unknowingly wandered into the dragon's mouth. Luckily, a quick survey of what your torch illuminated of your surroundings proved that to not be the case, as the floor and walls were indeed still stone. However, you did notice one other thing worth mentioning. Near the end of the cavity, there appeared to be evidence of someone trying to start a campfire, bundles of sticks stacked together within a ring of rocks.
I mean okay it's a cave.
Anyways the dude and Ember fight but they don't kill each other. Then Ember goes to check outside and somehow they got snowed in. GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
Weirdly it's not actually sex.
I mean they get the hanky panky going eventually, but it's really in no rush to get there. It just throws handfuls of paragraphs at shuffling toward a topic it's obviously going to reach, and I can't really figure out why.
"I'm Ember, by the way. You?" Being courteous, you give her your name, to which she huffs in amusement at. "Huh, well, it's no pony name; definitely not a dragon's either. Hmm, tell ya what, I'm not gonna bother remembering it, so I think I'll just stick to calling you Slayer. Sounds loads better to a drake's ear!"
Staring at her, you cock your head to the side. "But that's not my name."
"Pfft, too bad--suck it up! You think I like being called 'Ember'? If given the chance, I'd much rather go by Scorched Earth Doom Bringer. I think it sounds more...me." Shrugging, she then says, "But, eh, what are you going to do? You're stuck with the name they slap onto you the second you've hatched." Well, you can't say that you can relate exactly, so you merely hum in acknowledgement.
Noticing that things have returned to awkward silence, and that the temperature within the cave had dropped a bit more, you both concentrate on keeping yourselves warm. You find that to be a difficult task however, as the fire's too small to cease either of your bodies' constant shivering. You're almost half tempted to roll around in the flame, but doing so wouldn't just set you ablaze and most likely kill you, it'd also smother the fire, leaving you two to freeze to death even if you miraculously survived the whole 'being on fire' thing.
I mean honestly I can't figure out why. There's stuff here that'd actually be pretty decent in a more character focused fic. The Scorched Earth Doom Bringer bit is ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD EVEN, but it's also totally at odds with everything else about this fic's marketing. It's second person, which has the singular advantage of NOT having to develop Bob Humandude at all, but then it spends time making commentary on Bob Humandude's background. The label on the can says "You were supposed to SLAY the dragon, not LAY it!" and it throws you a one line description, but then it goes around spending time faffing around with
well, stuff like this.
I'm not a porn guy okay I don't know how the "biz" does it, but something about this just seems discordant to me. The fic's cover is almost blatantly advertising an excuse plot to sell a human and a dragon banging, but the fic itself takes on all the trappings of a fic that actually cares about its storytelling. It's like a porno where a handsome plumber shows up to fix some pipes. You don't go in expecting ten minutes of dialogue first about the nature of finding a meaningful relationship. You're expecting him to go and "fix" "some" "pipes".
I'm getting way too mad about this
I don't have anything to say about the sex itself it's a human and a dragon doing the nasty, the fic spends all its time and effort building up to exactly that. Then they get married and Ember's pregnant now the end.
Obs Thoughts: Ignoring that it's clop for a sec, I honestly just can't get past the fic's conceptual schizophrenia. It takes on a bunch of the usual costcutting measures like second person perspective so that it doesn't HAVE to work too hard to get to the bestiality, but then it just stops and dumps words into working up to the bestiality anyways. There isn't even anything bad about wanting to develop Bob Humandude and Ember before they make the beast with two backs. Just commit to it if that's your plan, or y'know go ahead and cut it if it isn't actually your plan.
It's midlevel restaurant food advertising itself like fast food, and it just doesn't fit the bill for either kind of grub. Sorry to anyone who was hoping I'd have nicer things to say about it I guess.
I give this fic this:
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/28/458527.gif
Bacon fried chicken donuts sound fucking amazing.
I didn't want to know that "Bacon Fried Chicken Donuts" were a thing.
But if Krispy Kreme Hot Dogs can be a thing, then I guess that could be, too.
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/07/37/0a/07370a99e043bc064df1718e3d380a04.jpg
Okay. See you again in June, Obsy.
Does that bacon fired chicken at least come with a packet of barbecue sauce?
3914063 I cant agree more.
Does it even adequately describe what the fic's premise is? Because I can't help but feel this wouldn't have been approved if it weren't for the new auto-queue system.
Can confirm, that bit is legit good.
3914064
That's a funny way to spell "disgusting". D:
3914063 i'm stealing that pic.
3914064
Yeah that's something I'd give to some masterpiece or whatever.
3914063 I asked him if it was a placeholder, but he stuck with it. Funny, though.
3914333
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/28/458527.gif
3914961 Yeah we were all sitting there "He gonna do that? Sure okay."
What is it with fics romanticizing drunkeness? My brother got drunk once. He didn't wander around saying silly romantic things. He vomited all over his shirt on the drive home, then he woke up at dawn and pissed in the fridge because he mistook it for a urinal. That's what being hammered's about.
Thanks for the review! Yes, the story is basically fluff. Unless you want to look at it closer... but it doesn't seem as if many have. It's cute and that seems to be enough.
It was written basically to get something out in-between larger projects and oddly got featured for some reason. I promise I actually write more serious stories quite a bit.
Anywho, glad to hear my writing's not the worst. That actually nice to know.
I want to argue with you that the Ember fic isn't a bestiality fic because she's anthro/half-human. But since that was a clop fic I can't do anything more than just point out this fact and move on.