Bradel Bookwork – Opening Lines · 11:19pm Apr 13th, 2016
Well, I'll say this: I'm less dead than I look.
Anyway, today I'd like to take a moment to talk about opening lines. We've got an Original Short Story Writeoff finishing up this evening.[1] I've spent a lot of the last week reading and reviewing, and beginning some revisions on an original story of my own. Going through this month's Writeoff entries, though, got me thinking about one of my favorite topics in fiction—and one it seems I've never blogged about before—opening lines.
When I write a story review for the Writeoff, the first thing I always do is comment on the quality of the hook—the first few lines of the story, where so many things get set into motion for the reader. In my mind, a hook should be polished to a mirror shine. I often form my impression of a story in the first few lines; if it takes you more than 250 words to catch my interest, you've probably irrevocably lost me.
No, I take that back. I like to say that, but the truth is far more brutal. If you don't catch me in your first 100 words or less, I'm prepared to write your story off. I have a busy life—and no intrinsic responsibility to read your story, or to give it a "fair shake", or anything else. If you don't convince me that you've got something I'll enjoy in the first few seconds I'm looking at your work, I'm done.[2]
Now Bad Horse posted a blog on this topic a little over three years ago, though he's characteristically terse in his discussion. He has, unfortunately, already used many of the great examples from literature. I will attempt to avoid these examples as much as I can, because I am not a filthy plagiarist. I may reserve the right to take a couple, though, because I am a card-carrying member of the Evil League of Evil.
I think what I'd like to do here is to propose a thought experiment (and use some fancy bbcode features). I'm going to put two opening lines side by side, and I'm going to ask you guys to think about which story you would choose to read if you could pick only one.[3] I'll put my own thoughts at the end, though I'll hide them behind spoilerblack so you can think in peace without reading what I've written.
As usual, I'll be thinking about my six core elements of fiction while I consider these: prose, tone, character, setting, plot, and theme. You might want to make a list for yourself of the things you care about in a story, too, before we get started.
* * *
Let's start with an easy one:
Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree.
– Terry Pratchett, Hogfather (1996)
This is a story about magic and where it goes and perhaps more importantly where it comes from and why, although it doesn't pretend to answer all or any of these questions.
– Terry Pratchett, Equal Rites (1987)
This is a clear choice to me. The opening to Hogfather doesn't give as much information about the story's contents, but it's strong on prose and tone. It's punchy and funny, and it tells the reader to expect a discursive comic novel. I think it's one of the best one-sentence summaries of what to expect from Pratchett. Equal Rites is a well-respected book, but it's nearly a decade older than Hogfather. Pratchett had a lot of time to hone his craft (and a lot of practice doing so) between these two novels.
Decision: Hogfather, on points.
* * *
On the subject of British authors with a fondness for nonsense:
Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do; once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice, "without pictures or conversations?"
– L. Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865)
One thing was certain, that the white kitten had had nothing to do with it:—it was the black kitten's fault entirely. For the white kitten had been having its face washed by the old cat for the last quarter of an hour (and bearing it pretty well, considering); so you see that it couldn't have had any hand in the mischief.
– Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass (1871)
.
Both of these openings convey a lot of tone: you know what you'll be getting in a Lewis Carroll novel. Both also carry a good amount of character information. The first might be a little heavier on setting work, but it's a marginal difference—I think the reader is likely to infer a lot of setting in the second passage, even if it isn't stated explicitly. The start of Through the Looking-Glass is uniformly more engaging, though, I think. It leaves us with a nagging question: what was the mischief being discussed? The only questions I have after the start of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland are "What is Alice going to do to stave off boredom?" and to a lesser extent "What is her sister reading about?" I'm much more interested in why the kittens are in trouble than I am in what Alice will do next.
To be fair, although there's a good amount of character information in both passages, the character focus on the white kitten is still considerably stronger, and that helps both with the humor and the reader engagement. Alice acts and speculates a bit. The white kitten makes clear, opinionated assertions to the reader. Further, the kitten's indirect comments (such as the subtle annoyance with face-cleaning) draw the reader into its perspective more strongly than Alice's explicit thoughts draw the reader into hers.
Decision: Through the Looking-Glass, on points.
* * *
How about we put a little fanfiction in the mix?
"A dozen roses, please," the dragon rumbled, and I couldn't resist one last con before the big job.
– horizon, "The Iridescent Iron Rat" (2015)
When the office door opened suddenly I knew the game was up. It had been a money-maker—but it was all over.
– Harry Harrison, The Stainless Steel Rat (1961)
.
Honestly, this one's a tough call. It shouldn't be a surprise that there's some striking similarity here—horizon's story is a crossover back onto Harrison's. Both of them drop the reader into a tense situation with no warning: "Iron" is going to show us the beginning of a con, and Steel promises the end of another. Both of them come with a shade of setting information: dragon and roses on "Iron" and office on Steel. I'm trying to pick nice pairs of lines here, but this one's got me wanting to argue with my own footnote [3] and say I want to read both of these. Still, a decision has to be made—and I'd go for the original here. "Iron" tells us we're going to get a tease instead of the real story. The "big job" is still a ways off.
Also, while the inclusion of dragon and roses gives us setting information, I think it also distracts a little here, relative to the perfectly directed opening on Steel. I talk a lot about trying to make your writing serve multiple purposes: letting your word choice tell you about the perspective character, even while the larger passage communicates plot or setting. A hook should be packing in as much information as it can stand—but at the same time, everything you do costs you reader attention. The total attention cost on "Iron" is (very) slightly higher in my mind, whereas everything in Steel is pitching you straight into a tense situation with a character you want to learn more about.
Decision: The Stainless Steel Rat, on points (split decision).
* * *
I'm going to go a bit longer here; you'll see why. This is closer to my own test for how long I'm willing to read a story before deciding whether to continue. The next two passages come from stories in George R.R. Martin and Gardner Dozois's Rogues, one of the nominees for 2015's World Fantasy Award for Best Anthology:
It was beautiful. It was remarkable. It was unique. It was the reason that the Marquis de Carabas was chained to a pole in the middle of a circular room, far, far underground, while the water level rose slowly higher and higher. It hat thirty pockets, seven of which were obvious, ninteen of which were hidden, and four of which were more or less impossible to find—even, on occasion, for the Marquis himself.
– Neil Gaiman, "How the Marquis Got His Coat Back"
When I got back from work that night, Brett, my redhead, was sitting at the kitchen table. She didn't have a shift that week at the hospital, so I was surprised to see her up and about. It was 2:00 a.m. I had finished up being a night watchman at the dog-food plant, hoping my buddy Leonard would be back soon from Michigan, where he had gone after someone in some case he had hired out to do for our friend Marvin and the detective agency Marvin owned. We did freelance work like that from time to time.
– Joe R. Lansdale, "Bent Twig: A Hap and Leonard Adventure"
This is another tough one. Gaiman's passage is exciting and detailed. Lansdale's passage carries a lot of setting information and introduces you to a cast of characters, and... Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't even a contest. Come on, people.
Decision: "How the Marquis Got His Coat Back", by knockout.
* * *
Okay, that was somewhat unfair. On the one hand, Neil Gaiman is a writing god. On the other, I went looking through the anthology for the least interesting passage I could find by a recognizable author. You can do good descriptive openings, but dropping into a well of mundanity with no clear plot and minimal character work isn't a great way to do it. Let's try this again, though I think this'll be our last one. Still looking at Rogues, still going long:
He was the grandson of a king, the brother of a king, husband to a queen. Two of his sons and three of his grandsons would sit the Iron Throne, but the only crown that Daemon Targaryen ever wore was the crown of the Stepstones, a meager realm he made himself with blood and steel and dragonfire, and soon abandoned.
– George R.R. Martin, "The Rogue Prince, or, A King's Brother"
It was raining when Amarelle Parathis went out just after sunset to find a drink, and there was strange magic in the rain. It came down in pale lavenders and coppers and reds, soft lines like liquid dusk that turned to luminescent mist on the warm pavement. The air itself felt like champagne bubbles breaking against the skin. Over the dark shapes of distant rooftops, blue-white lightning blazed, and stuttering thunder chased it. Amarelle would have sworn she heard screams mixed in with the thunder.
– Scott Lynch, "A Year and a Day in Old Theradane"
This is actually a very easy decision for me, but I'm cheating a bit. I'll explain in a moment. But first, looking at these passages, we get a very different flavor. Martin's introduction is a full-on summary of what we'll be reading, which is not something you often see. It's a sharp and interesting summary, too. I want to know more about this guy (Daemon Targaryan, incidentally, and not Daemon Blackfyre). I buy that he's important. And it sounds like things probably won't be going well for him. This is a very plot-focused introduction, and it's rock solid. I want to read this story. On the other side, we've got Lynch's evocative description of a strange rain at sunset. This is some beautiful descriptive work, with a lot of memorable color and that passage about champagne bubbles on the skin that I love to death. Lynch's introduction has very little information about what to expect from his story, almost a polar opposite of Martin's—but he's established very succinctly that this is a setting I want to spend more time visiting. So I want to read that story too.
I said I was cheating. What did I mean? Well, Martin is done with his hook. The next paragraph of his story launches into full-on historical profiling. Lynch, though, has one more line—his full second paragraph—before he's done with his hook. That paragraph reads, "The gods-damned wizards were at it again." He spent all that time drawing a beautiful and compelling picture of his setting, building it up in the reader's mind, but he still has the punch waiting in reserve. If I consider the full hook by both authors, rather than just the first paragraph, my choice between the two is pretty obvious. Martin's intro is still compelling, but Lynch has now given me a setting I want to visit and gave me a mystery I want to explore. I'm there.
This also gives me a way to justify using the one decision type I'm prominently missing. You should know by now—I love being manipulative if it gets me a nice resolution.
Decision: "A Year and a Day in Old Theradane", by (you guessed it) technical knockout.[4]
[1] I was eliminated—to much apparent horror from people who aren't me—in the preliminary round.
[2] Yes, I'm perfectly aware that I'm being a hypocrite and many of my stories aren't catchy enough to hook a reader in the first 100 words. This is a wound I feel acutely.
[3] Some of you might feel like this is an artificial situation: why can't you read both? My answer to that is simple. Thanks to the explosion of published fiction, even if you wanted to do nothing with your life but read, you would still be unable to read all the stories being produced. This is, frankly, bloody obvious. Fimfiction alone produces an apocalyptic number of words per day. Hell, shortskirtsandexplosions produces an apocalyptic number of words per day. Even if you only choose to read quality fiction written by top-notch authors, you'll never be able to keep up with how much of it already exists and how much is being produced. You may not need to pick between the two stories presented, but you will need to pick between stories at some point. Why do you think I only give people a few words to impress me?
[4] You know what the biggest lesson from this blog post was, for me? That I need to get off my butt and read Rogues. I've had it on my shelf for a year now, and this is the first time I've cracked it open—and a lot of these stories look pretty awesome. Sure, I do have to pick which stories to read and which to skip, but in real life I've got the whole anthology on my shelf and I'll probably just choose to read them all. Thanks, footnote [3], for being totally useless in the end.
Hooray, you're not dead! :D
3868515 It might be a doppelganger.
Y'know, not gonna lie. I've got no use for the first few paragraphs of a book at all. Way I figure it, most of the time those bits aren't really all that engaging, and often those that are tend to be misleading.
My methods of choosing things to read are at once more permissive and more damning. I look at the description, blurb, whatever. I look at the cover, I skim the book briefly looking for engaging things. And then I decide based almost entirely on gut feelings.
On the one hand, I'm willing to put up with an awful lot of bullshit if I think you might be leading to something good. On the other? If you fuck off with your book blurb/cover, I might never even bother looking in the first place :P
I sort of struggle with this, because I worry--especially when it comes to fanfiction--that I might be missing something great that just has a rocky beginning. However, when on a whim I delve a ways deep into my RIL list, to stores that I might've listed a year or more ago, I find more and more often that...past me had terrible taste? So I've started, with difficulty, stopping myself in the first couple hundred words if the story just honestly sucks. A silly problem to have? Maybe, probably, almost definitely. But I don't read enough as it is, so I might as well, like you say, read something worthwhile.
...or at least more worthwhile. *glances nervously at pile of 1,000-word fluffy shipfic*
In any case, an excellent blog post, Bradel! Just as interesting, thoughtful, and funny as ever.
Your 100 words rule applies fairly well for me (though I usually give a good three paragraphs or so) when I'm shopping for a new book, and haven't relied on the good recommendations of people who I know appreciate the type or works I like. Or if I haven't fallen prey to good Amazon reviews.
In the case of the Writeoff, I don't really have a choice but to be patient, which in a way is a very good thing, because not every story I feel is 'good' in the end has a great opening hook. Sometimes they just take a while to get going, which I think is natural in this cradle of writing experience.
FWIW, below is still one of my very most favorite openings to a novel. It does so much to set the mood in 121 words, and you find as you go that the style and quality don't change except to get more interesting as it delves into the setting, and characters and action and intrigue, which vary a lot over three 500 page novels.
I'd appreciate a version of this blog without the 'spoiler' tags. If I want to hold off on reading the analysis, which is what I'm here to read anyway, then I'll just not scroll all the way down. Or not pick up the discussion through osmosis even if I don't.
Just makes your points, good as they are, a lot harder for me to read, which makes it a lot harder for me to hold my interest.
Ironic, considering the subject matter? Absolutely.
EDIT: Also, I thought Horizon's was much more enticing. Are you kidding? The first is a staple well-done hook, but Horizon's just brings up so many interesting questions with interesting language choice of his own.
This is incredibly depressing, but true. My friends wonder why I only give a book 20 pages to convince me not to pitch it and start on the next one. I sometimes wonder why I give it so many.
If you're half as dead as you claim to be you might not like this idea, but I've been mulling this over for a while and you might actually do something useful with it:
Hook Contest. Submit the first ~100 words of your ~2000+ word story (the point being that the first 100 words don't constitute a significant portion of the text). Presumably the complete story has already been published.
Thoughts?
I love this idea but have one big issue. To whit; you tell me the authors. As soon as I know the author, that hugely affects who I'm going to pick regardless of who wrote a better hook. I know my favourite authors can have off days on opening lines (Not looking at you).
I'd love to see this done again, but don't tell me the authors right away, maybe spoiler text them. I'd also be curious to see others do this. I'm a sucker for favourite opening line things. or even random opening lines akin to those obnoxious memes floating around but of a more literary bent.
3868993
But... but... I wanted to play around with fancy bbcode tags! How can I get rid of the spoilers?
3869108 seems to want me to do another one of these where I don't tell you the authors at first. Maybe I'll do a second round in a couple days, and I can content myself with just spoilerblacking the authors and sources, and adding a couple lines of space before my comments.
3869095
Hmm. This sounds kind of fun. Though actually, I can think of a couple cool things to do here.
If a second blog is forthcoming, I may make an announcement for something over there.
3869119
Please do another one, this was fun
3869123
Awesome!
I just perused all of my own hooks; some are definitely better than others, none are as grabby as I'd like. I think I typically spend more time fussing over the last line than the first.
Deadness is in the eye of the beholder, and you look pretty dead from here.
You and the rest of those writeoff magpies. Can't sit down and finish anything anymore.
I have to say, reading the hook of A Year and a Day in Old Theradane, when I got to the last sentence, "Amarelle would have sworn she heard screams mixed in with the thunder." I thought "this should be the first and only sentence in the hook". My eyes glazed over reading the overly ornate description preceding it, but this line instantly captured my attention. Following it up with "The gods-damned wizards" and then putting the champagne similes after, once attention has been grabbed, would be better, imo.
I was thinking about this first lines malarky earlier, and I think I have to agree with 3868767 on this. To get on my to-read list, a book generally has to (a) come highly recommended from a source I trust, (b) have a description that I find really exciting, (c)have several other good (in the appropriate way -- not just raving) reviews come up when I search for the title, and (d) have very few critical (in the appropriate way) reviews on Goodreads or the like. The only regular shortcut is to be from an author I trust, which usually trumps everything.
Anything that manages to get through that gauntlet has already earned my trust for at least fifty pages. (The last two I abandoned, The Lies of Locke Lamora & House Of Shattered Wings got kicked to the curb around that mark -- and that was six months ago.)
So I rarely give much attention to whether the first page or two has a hook or not. And in my own writing, when I'm not bowing to peer pressure, I tend not to give much thought to a first line gimmick. If it's there, it's a nice, cute thing to have; if not, I won't bother. (Indeed, for Cold Light, I came up with a neat hook, then decided to move it back a few paras in order to get some description in, because I thought that worked better) Might this lose me readers? I imagine so, but unless someone can show me the numbers are significant, I won't be losing much sleep over it.
I often form my impression of a person from their makeup and clothes. If it takes you longer than a minute to catch my interest in your worth as a person, you've probably irrevocably lost me.
If you don't convince me you have something worth saying in the first few seconds, I'm done. If you don't convince me your blog is worth reading in the first few seconds, I suppose that means it isnt, and I'm done.
Really, all stories should be like politicians: shiny on the outside, knowing how to make that first great impression. Of course, the longer you spend with them the sicker you feel, but just ignore that. It's probably only your conscience.
3870729
I think my point is less "substance doesn't matter" and more "first impressions do matter". And as uncomfortable as it may be to say, I think that's true in life as well as in fiction, like you're alluding to.
Say I go and interview for a job. To even do that, I've probably already had to pass one "first impression" hurdle with a resumé. If I didn't fare well there I probably wouldn't have gotten an interview callback. So I go to the interview. I'll be in a room with some people for, what, maybe ten minutes? Certainly not enough time to give them a real sense of who I am as a person. But they'll be expected to make some sort of snap judgment on whether or not to hire me.
Say I sign up for a dating service and go on a date (a situation with which I have some recent experience). Same sort of thing. The person I'm meeting is going to start judging me the second I walk through the door. Now thankfully dates are usually a bit of a time commitment, so I might have time to overcome a negative first impression—but certainly my date is going to go a lot more easily if the person I'm meeting has a positive first impression.
This... I guess might feel unfair? But I also think it's kind of a natural product of the way the world works, and I don't know that I'm really uncomfortable with it. So much of human interaction is a form of subtextual signaling. Certainly there are people who focus on mastering the signaling task without developing underlying content (see: politicians, PUAs, psychopaths). But I tend to be very conscious of the fact that I do want to make good first impressions (and good second and third impressions, etc, if possible). It can be a pain, and I don't think I'm always particularly good at it, but I don't feel like I can really fault people for making snap judgments based on incomplete data—about me, about my stories, or about anything else.
We all routinely have to make judgments based on incomplete data. It's just a matter of what your rejection tolerance is: how much do you mind missing a good opportunity because you didn't explore it sufficiently to get a more accurate estimate of its quality? Exploring takes time and energy—and when you're in a situation like fanfiction where there's far more content available than you could ever hope to consume, I think it makes sense to embrace an attitude of abundance, that you're probably not going to miss out by rejecting opportunities quickly and continuing to look for more promising ones.
There's no reason you can't drop out of a story 20 pages in, or 100 pages in. There's no reason you can't give up on a politician you initially liked once you learn that their actions really don't match your values. Content does matter. I just think that in a lot of cases, content is something most people won't see because of the investment cost of getting past that first step.
3870810
Whatever it seems, Bradel, I do appreciate your response, and I appreciate you.
Because these things are good and right, yes? Deep down, we are all secretly happy about this state of affairs, and do not wish it were otherwise.
The world is not in an admirable condition. The way we are often forced to deal with it isn't admirable, either. Being honest, we both know the truth is worse than either of us have yet mentioned: on fimfiction, you're lucky if a reader even makes it to your first line. Your true opening paragraph is your title, picture, tags, synopses. But this isn't "how it ought to be", and we know it, don't we?
It isn't the methods I begrudge you, Bradel, but the impression of your attitude concerning them. No, there isn't enough time in all the world to read everything. And human nature is broken: we are quick to judge and short on patience. But this is bad and undesirable. It's undesirable that you have so little time to read, and must resort to highly sensitive and legalistic measures to judge a story worthy of your time and commitment.
But you seem to act as if it's just fine and okay, when it isn't. Like lying to a friend to spare their feelings makes lying okay--that the excusable reason for it lessens the ugliness of the whole situation. In fact, people should make it even easier for you to lie, just like they should polish the openings of their stories for you.
Does that make sense, Bradel? I don't blame you for having little time or how you choose which stories to read. I blame you for presenting the use of that ridiculously narrow judgment as okay. "I'm low on time and don't owe you anything." It isn't okay. It's what you have to do, but why should a writer be praised or judged for how he or she caters to a predicament you find yourself in? Because every writer wants you as a reader, right? Not because it's making the best of a bad situation, or the set of writers who judge stories this way may not be a group one cares to please, and so don't.
But they aren't actually more promising. As I tried to point out with my politician metaphor, the opening lines of a book prophesy almost nothing about what's in store. Bad books can have great openings, and great books can have terrible openings. I'm sure you know this already.
3871197
:(
I'm sorry Bradel, I would not have taken this tone with a friend I spoke to more often, and that's wrong. I should have better measured my irritation. I don't want to tumble into an emotional argument with you (I still welcome a response of course). I do not retract my points, but I do apologize for the spirit that colors them.
3871318
It's okay, I don't mind.
Well... I do, but I don't? Umm. I don't think I'm going to respond just yet, because I'm feeling a little off-kilter from some (somewhat related) RL stuff. I think we do have a fundamental disagreement here. And I think I do appreciate the point you're trying to make, and I think I'm sympathetic to it. But... well, like I said, I don't think I'm going to be great for replying right at the moment.
I do think it's probably worth saying very clearly, though, that I don't feel upset about your tone or what you're saying, and I do value you and value your input here.
3871347
That's alright Bradel, I more than empathize, believe me. Take your time (and don't fear if the whole things falls completely by the wayside). Thanks for the understanding too :3
Hope things get better on your end--and don't think I missed that mention of dating!
3868993
Ctrl+A is a handy shortcut for revealing all spoilers if you don't mind all the blue.
Very boring intro. It's almost like you're explaining where your idea came from instead of trying to hook readers or something.
3869123
Blah, I wish I'd thought of this sooner: the winner of the contest could be dubbed… Captain Hook!