Questioned Authority · 3:05pm Apr 9th, 2016
You may recall one option of the latest Thought Dissection blog was a story entitled Full-Court Press, a post-"The Crystalling" press conference. horizon made a very good point about how it was a time-sensitive concept, so I started fleshing it out. I was applying some of the final coats of polish earlier today when I realized that, honestly, it's just not a very good idea.
As such, I took the best part, the ending, and made it a Dueling Keyboards short (which I accidentally published in Story Shuffle for a moment. Sorry about that; they're right next to each other on my Stories page.) If you really want to see my justification for Celestia's "fire lasers at clouds" plan, you can read the cut content after the break.
Warning: There will be puns.
Celestia liked to hold press conferences in the castle gardens. Not only there were more places where guards could hide and feel better about letting her sit out in the open, but the gardens also offered far nicer ambiance than some stuffy conference room. She could arrange a lovely day for the event ahead of time, as she had for this one, the sun shining overhead as an admittedly unsubtle reminder of just who had put it there.
Celestia looked over the assembled journalists. Their grins ranged from eager to sharklike. A few had bitten halfway through their pencils already. Some literally shook with anticipation. Putting this off as long as she had had definitely been a mistake. With an expertly disguised deep breath, Celestia said, "Ladies and gentlestallions of the press, I am sure you have many questions about the events surrounding Princess Flurry Heart's crystalling. I ask only that you act with the professionalism I have come to expect from you."
They then bombarded her with an almost tangible wall of sound, a grand, questioning cacophony that Discord could dance to.
Celestia had to admit, it was exactly what she had asked for. Applying a variation of the Royal Canterlot Voice that made her heard over the din without actually appearing to shout, she said, "Lofty? Perhaps you would like to start us off?"
All eyes turned to a pale blue pegasus stallion, who blinked in the sudden scrutiny. He recovered a moment later, clearing his throat and grabbing his pencil out his mouth with a wing. "Lofty Insight, Cloudsdale Forum," he said to make sure the others cited the quotation properly. "Alicorns have the magic of all three tribes, so why did you just blast the clouds instead of using more sophisticated weather manipulation techniques?"
"You must understand," said the princess, "that was no mere rogue cold front. That was the fury of a biome scorned, a wild region laying siege to territory to which it felt entitled. Some of you may be familiar with the Everfree Forest, a similarly strange and uncontrollable region. However, the Everfree is surrounded on all sides by pony-guided climates and ecosystems, and is further regulated from within by the Tree of Harmony. The Frozen North sits atop the world, bordered only by uninhabited mountains and empty seas, unrestricted by any harmonious magic but that of the Crystal Heart. That land has a will of its own, and that will is cruel and tyrannical. The few other nations there either eke out harsh lives or are so adapted to the cold that Canterlot is as hostile to them as their homes are to us.
"Suffice to say, conventional weather magic would not suffice when combating the Frozen North, as Lady Rainbow Dash can attest." Celestia scanned the crowd. Nopony bothered to raise a hoof. Why bother when they'd all tried to ask together? "Yes, Leading?"
A brown-coated earth stallion adjusted his battered old pork pie hat as he stood. "Leading Question, Hoofington Gazette. With all due respect, Your Highness, you control the sun. Even if the Frozen North is as harsh as you claim, I would think you could have handled it."
"To put it simply, Leading, the sun is not a toy. Moving it closer would have held back the storm, yes, but it would have also caused massive devastation around the world: firestorms, icemelt-induced floods, widespread panic." Celestia shut her eyes, picturing it all too easily. "And that would've just been the Crystal Empire. The cost would have been far too great." When she opened her eyes, the hooves had gone up. Still most of the crowd, but not all of it. "Eyecatch?"
The pegasus mare certainly lived up to her name, her mane and coat bright, clashing tones that almost hurt to look at. "Eyecatch, Las Pegasus Daily News. Was there really nothing else you could've done?"
"I cannot go into much detail for the sake of national security, but I do know a few spells that would have bought us far more time. However, I lacked the time to cast the array of protective enchantments that goes with them. Without that matrix in place, the devastation would have been more localized, but it would have still reduced the Empire to a glowing crater." That cleared a decent swath of the forest of limbs before her. "Yes, Late?"
The only chiropteron present stood, adjusting his sunglasses and his leathery wings as he did so. "Late Edition, Manehattan Post. What about Princess Luna?"
Celestia blinked. "Could you elaborate, please?"
"Could she have given you the time you needed to prepare those spells?"
She shook her head. "As those of you who attended Princess Luna's first press conference know, her magic is far better suited to creating storms than removing them. That being said, she was invaluable in the defense of the Empire. Either of us alone could not have provided the time needed to reconstitute the Crystal Heart." Fewer than half of the ponies had a hoof raised now. "Local?"
"Local Interest, Ponyville Express," said the green earth mare. "I've personally heard about Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor's incredible skill with shielding spells from Princess Twilight Sparkle. Couldn't one of them keep the heat in or something?"
"How many of the unicorns here are parents?" More than a dozen ponies raised a hoof. "How many of you think you could perform elaborate, high-energy spellwork while looking after your three-day-old foal with virtually no sleep?" Every hoof went down. Celestia nodded. "The royal couple was nowhere near peak condition at the time. Cadence was handling it better thanks to her earth pony stamina, but she still wouldn't have been able to project a city-wide shield after the exertion of birth and so little rest. Especially not a shield strong enough to block heat exchange. Incidentally, such a shield would also block gas exchange, and might have caused the Empire to suffocate before it froze." Among those still with questions, one in particular stood out, his eyes almost bugging out. "Professional, you've been very patient."
The unicorn collected himself as he stood, giving a genial nod. "Thank you, Your Highness. Professional Tone, Canterlot Herald. Not to put too fine a point on it, Your Highness, but they are a royal couple. They have a responsibility to more than just their daughter. Where were the servants, the nannies, the wetnurses?"
"I cannot speak for my niece and nephew-in-law," said Celestia, "but they did tell me that they wanted their daughter raised in a close, loving environment. The Crystal Empire's bureaucracy was a model of efficiency even when laboring under Sombra, and it continues to be one to this day. Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor trust their advisors and their ponies, as do I. Furthermore, the Fledgling's Forbearance spell will ensure that raising Princess Flurry Heart will, if anything, be more peaceful than raising the average foal henceforth." It was down to the last few now. "Four?"
"Four Color, Trottingham Daily Mail. What does the baby mean?"
"I cannot say that with any certainty. Equestria has never seen a born alicorn before, and Princess Luna and I were understandably unable to observe our own births and infancy back before the founding of the nation. However, I am certain that Princess Flurry Heart was born the way she was for a reason, one that will become clear in time." One appendage was left, a talon rather than a hoof. "Go ahead, Pullet."
A hippogryph stood. "Pullet Seer, St. Germain Post Dispatch. What are the Empire's plans if the Heart breaks without any convenient uncrystalled babies on hoof?"
"I will not presume to dictate policy for my niece's city-state. If Princess Cadence asks, I will happily aid her in that decision. Until such time, I leave it in the capable hooves of her, Prince Shining Armor, and their advisors."
"What would you do if you were in Princess Cadence's place?"
"As I am not in that place and she is not me, I fail to see the relevance of the question."
Sometimes all you can do is try and kill the weather before it kills you when it gets bad like that.
Very nice. I can hear the old style camera flashes amidst the press conference.
And Four Color? Oh you...
Translated from Celestia-Speak: "Now piss off!"
The names of all the journos were fun, but Pullet Seer made me guffaw.
And yeah, I think you made the right decision. This was fun, but ultimately unnecessary for the story. It works much better in the short-short form.
Well, if the Empire survives, there will be uncrystalled babies in the future. And, there are time travel spells - that only last a little while, but fueled with alicorn power, that should be long enough.
Eh, it's decent. I've seen worse go viral.
3860643
"A better comparison would be an itch it can't scratch. The Frozen North is vast but relatively simple; it lacks the resident biomass needed for more sophisticated thought. In time, I hope it will grow accustomed to the Empire's presence, as it had centuries ago. Our recent alliance with Yakyakistan will allow our respective arcane scholars to find ways to accelerate this process. Rest assured that the Frozen North has no desire to spread further south. Indeed, I'm not certain it has a concept of further south."
3860669
I like how she neither addresses nor contradicts any of the assumed possibilities.
This feels like a Carabas blog post! I love it!
3858879
Thenceforth, it became traditional for one infant to be uncrystalled at all times in the Empire, just in case.
3859276
It might have surprised me, yes, but it just didn't feel up to snuff.
3860684
Wow. High praise indeed. Thanks!
3861421
Oh man, I'm getting The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas brain-stirrings out of that one.
3862120
While I try not to discourage inspiration, it's not like they keep the reserve infant in a locked room labelled "In Case of Emergency, Bless Baby."
At least, I hope they don't.
3862319
Well, it wouldn't have to be quite that existentially horrific, but based on the timeline of the episode, they'd probably have to keep the foal within the castle, or at the very least under polite house arrest lest they leave the city (or go playing and get lost in one of Sombra's old oubliettes, or be kidnapped by whatever forces shattered the Heart … yeah, no, let's just keep them under guard in the palace). Cadance can be assumed to have learned the Heart repair spell, but without extra alicorns present to zap the clouds, they're on a timeline of maybe an hour to deep freeze, tops, and given that we're literally talking about the survival of every pony in the Empire (including the foal's parents), they wouldn't be able to afford even innocent delays.
The thing that saves this from fridge horror is that, given the presumed birth rate of an empire that large, they wouldn't need to use the same foal for long enough to stunt their development. If there are enough ponies being born, they wouldn't even need to mandate it (except in extraordinary circumstances) — they could just pitch it as a civic contribution, maybe give parents a break on taxes or a special visit with the Princess, and ask for volunteers.
Posting the rest of this by itself was a good idea; they have very different tones.
> chiropteron
Clunky, but serviceable. :B
4017471
Certainly better than thestral.
4017563
Amen :D
3862319 Nothing that dramatic. Simply have a waiting list for infants to be crystallized (ooo, that sounds terrible) and never be efficient enough to get the backlog cleared off. It's a fairly simple process, which the Department of Motor Vehicles here in the states has down to a fine art.
"Twins! What luck, Mister Carbon Copy." The bureaucrat turned his attention to the thick appointment book and hummed in concentration. "Looks like we can get Photo in this afternoon, but Perfect will have to wait until we have an opening."
4017563
4017471
derpicdn.net/img/2013/12/15/497503/medium.png
> chiropteroff
derpicdn.net/img/2013/10/24/455611/medium.png
4041704
I am okay with this.
4041842
You should be ok with this too:
derpicdn.net/img/2013/8/23/407898/medium.jpg
https://derpiboo.ru/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&sbq=Thestralia
4041857
NOPE
4041867
Not funny?
4041872
PP is a staunch opponent of using "thestral" as a term for batponies. Like, Bruce Ironstaunch levels of staunch.
4041899
GRR RAWR PP SMASH! >:E
4041899
4041867
I missed that entirely.
All i saw was "bat pony pun" and "bat pony pun".
4042702
Further proof that I am completely fucking crazy and you walk a thin line debating batponies with me. :B
4043471
You interview fanfic authors and write journalistic articles on fanfics.
Being fucking crazy is mandatory for journalism. Non-crazy journalists get fired.
4044995
This is the first time anyone has described me as "journalistic". I am going to bathe in the radiance of this moment.