Pony Badfic #1,012,447 · 7:34am May 1st, 2015
"I'm tired of everypony making fun of us for our names," said Biff, who was a pony.
"So am I," said Tad, who was also a pony.
"It's so mean," said Gavin, who was yet another pony.
"It's like they don't even know that these are perfectly respectable pony names," said Francois Hideki O'Malley-Singh III, who -- surprisingly -- was also a pony.
"I know what I'm going to do about it," said HomoSapien McHumanName, who was also a pony with a completely ordinary Equestrian pony name. (Srsly, u gaiz! I went to the horse races once, and all the horses at the track had way weirder names than this!) "I'm going to move to Ponyville." It was unclear how this was going to help.
The next day, HomoSapien McHumanName loaded all of his stuff into a cart (Just like that donkey in that one episode, in case you didn't figure it out.) and left town. (See story description for a complete inventory of what he took with him.) After walking for a bunch of days, he arrived in Ponyville. (I'm planning writing a sequel that talks about all the places he went to when he was walking. It'll be like a tour guide.)
When he got to town, he met Pinkie Pie. "Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie," said Pinkie Pie.
"My name is HomoSapien McHumanName," said HomoSapien McHumanName.
"That's a perfectly normal pony name," said Pinkie Pie. HomoSapien McHumanName was glad he moved to Ponyville.
"Thank you," he said.
"I'm going to throw you a welcome party," said Pinkie Pie.
"Okay," said HomoSapien McHumanName.
"Come with me," she said. She led him to a big building that looked like a gingerbread house that looked like a bakery. Instead of going through the front door, they went to the back door and up the stairs into a bedroom that was all pink. "Here is your party," said Pinkie Pie.
"I don't see anypony else at the party," said HomoSapien McHumanName.
"That is because it is just you and me," said Pinkie Pie. "It is a sex party." She pushed him onto the bed and they sexed, which I know all about because I have totally done it. (Shut up! I have, too!)
When they were done, HomoSapien McHumanName said, "I am glad I moved to Ponyville." Then he said, "Do you know somewhere I can live?" They went downstairs and went outside, and he hooked up his cart again. (I forgot to mention when he unhooked it! Oops!) Pinkie Pie took him to a house that was for sale and he bought it. He took his cart full of stuff inside, then came out again and asked her another question. "Do you know where I can find a pet?" (You know, like the song?)
He went to Fluttershy's house after she (Pinkie Pie, not Fluttershy.) gave him directions. When he got to Fluttershy's house, he met Fluttershy. "Hi, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName," he said. "Do you know where I can find a pet?"
Fluttershy said, "Ponies who care about animals really get me hot! And I love your completely ordinary pony name." She grabbed him and started dragging him to her house. "Come here, big boy!" They went inside and did it on the couch that Fluttershy fell asleep on when she was babysitting the CMC.
HomoSapien McHumanName adopted that cool falcon that Rainbow Dash didn't want. "You know, my friend Rainbow Dash almost adopted that falcon," said Fluttershy. HomoSapien McHumanName wondered if he could also do sex to Rainbow Dash, but Fluttershy said no because Rainbow Dash was a Lebanese.
"Do you know where I can find a job?" asked HomoSapien McHumanName. Fluttershy told him how to get to Sweet Apple Acres. He went to Sweet Apple Acres and he met Applejack. "Hi, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName", said HomoSapien McHumanName. "I need a job."
"Wahh, that there shore is a raht normal pony name, pardner, and it ain't a mite weird none atall," said Applejack. "Ah kin shore hahr y'all for a job."
"Thank you," said HomoSapien McHumanName. "How much does it pay?"
"We shore nuff cain't pay y'all too much, pardner, shoot. But the more y'all work, the more y'all earn. And if'n y'all work extry hard, y'all maht earn a raht nice bonus, y'hear?"
"What kind of bonus?" asked HomoSapien McHumanName. Applejack took him to the barn, where they were all alone. Once they were all alone, they did sexing.
When they finished, HomoSapien McHumanName told Applejack that he was glad he moved to Ponyville. He also said he would come and work hard for her a lot, and hoped he would earn lots of bonuses. The he asked where he could buy some clothes, because sometimes he liked to dress up. Applejack told him how to get to the Carousel Boutique.
HomoSapien McHumanName went to the boutique and met Rarity. "Hi, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName," he said.
"Darling, that's a darling name, darling," said Rarity. "Do you want sex?" So they went inside and did the thing.
After that, HomoSapien McHumanName wanted to get some books to read in his new home. Rarity said they didn't have a bookstore in town, but she told him how to get to the library. HomoSapien McHumanName walked to the library.
Inside the library was Princess Twilight Sparkle. "Hello, my name is HomoSapien McHumanName, and I would like to check out some books," said HomoSapien McHumanName.
"That is an intelligent and sensible pony name," said Princess Twilight Sparkle. "Is there anything else you would like to check out?" she asked, waving her tail.
"I think I would like that," said HomoSapien McHumanName. "I sure am glad I moved to Ponyville. Is there anypony else around?"
"No, we are alone," said Princess Twilight Sparkle. "Spike is not here so he will not see us Do It." Since they were free for doing it, they went upstairs and had sex lots.
HomoSapien McHumanName and Princess Twilight Sparkle fell in love. He moved in with her and they got married. He also adopted her adopted daughter, Hidden Princess. They all lived happily ever after.
EPILOGUE: This time, Apple Bloom got raped. By Big Mac. Also, Mayor Mare is secretly a changeling.
So, Biff and Tad's Excellent Adventure as a side story?
--arcum42
ADOPTIONCEPTION
Just a small correction:
Should, of course, more properly be:
"Thank you," he thanked.
or
"Thank you," he said, thankfully.
or, if you're feeling saucy:
"Thank you," the handsome pony said, in gratitude.
3033379
T'was the first thing I thought of too. That would indeed be a most excellent adventure.
I think he should form a polygynous herd with all the Mane Sex ... uh, Six. Except for Rainbow Dash. Because she's a Lebanese.
This was cool, but can you do one of these with a dragon? Dragons are badass.
Badass like me.
But it was cool because all that clearly meant was she'd just been waiting for the right guy to come along! Fortunately, Mr. Ordinaryboringwhatever was just the one to show her what she was missing.
So they did sex anyway and Rainbow was cured.
...Lyra is actually a seapony in disguise, Princess Cadance is just two colts in a costume, and Celestia's flank is the true ruler of Equestria.
How about that story about Rainbow worrying about Tank's safety and installing a point defense system in his shell?
3033487
You're right, of course. I would blame my editor, but badfic writers don't use those.
3033645
ing to see the error of their ways! That's like a badfic law! I'm such a fraud...
Brilliant! Dammit, why didn't I think of that? I forgot that all that those Lebanese thespians need is a good, deep
(That said, did you read my previous badfic blog entry? You might be amused.)
Oh man, that twist ending never fails to get me right in the feels.
My eyes!
I do not envy you regularly reading these sorts of things.
3701991
Sometimes I wonder why I do it to myself...
Rainbow being a Lebanese really made me laugh, now whenever I get Lebanese food all I will be able to think of is this story.
3787465
If I can give somebody strange and/or inappropriate mental images in a public place, I consider that a job well done.