Judge-A-Thon – Part II · 7:15pm Aug 18th, 2014
So, don't expect anything to get a 10. I think a scoring system where you have any reasonable chance of getting maximum marks isn't giving enough headroom. Frankly, I don't expect to see any 9's, but I can hope. If I see an 8, it'll probably be the winner, but 8s are certainly plausible. Essentially, the 'prompt' entry acts as a sort of tie-break in my head – a weak 8 is still going to beat a strong 7.
And with that:
JUDGEMENT IS NIGH!
The Change of One
By Dj Shadowstrike556
“Changeling Shadow Strike is sent to spy on the ponies by an ever growing Queen Chrysalis. Shadow has a change of heart as his mission progresses. can he save equestria from a maleficent enemy?”
You know how I said that Secret and I both decided we were going to intentionally run against a cliché trope? Oh look, the cliché trope! With missing capitals! I should just DNF now, but I’ll go on, because I love you all so much (as if).
Pretty much no formatting of any kind.
“The guard quickly recoiled as an evil being appeared from the corner of the cell.”
I’m sorry Mr. walking-cliché-who-happens-to-have-the-same-name-as-the-author. We cannot be friends.
DNF
A Tired Life
By Gumball2
A gryphon awaits execution for treason in wartime. This is about why.
Lots of little proof-reading errors, but nothing overly distracting. While the pacing comes off as flat and the AU setting doesn’t have much to do with any version of Equestria we know, it handles a serious subject with real-world parallels with an appropriate degree of care and style. Worth a read for that alone.
Barely a pass, but a pass nonetheless.
5/10 Prompt: Weak
Learning About Colours
In an attempt to improve relations between changelings and ponies, a family of three move into Ponyville and Twilight teaches the littlest one about colours.
A few basic errors and a lot of formatting issues, but while they’re glaring, they’re hardly disruptive. The prose is pleasant enough in and of itself, but the voices are bland it couldn’t really hold my interest much. The real issue, however, is that after seeing some questions about the prompt, I do not think this qualifies for the competition.
3/5 Prompt: Rejected
Like only the gods can do
commander sweetie belle
A phoenix is subdued by spelling errors.
Apparently, the good commander doesn’t like capitals. Or spelling.
DNF
Mortal Coil Foiled
By RainbowBob
Tragic Sombra backstory that is actually both interesting and tragic! Huzzah!
Really good narrative voice, but it did get a bit overwhelming by the end. Pacing didn’t work out all that well, but the setup and the tragedy worked very well. Not sure this works in a timeline sense, but fuck it, a good Sombra backstory is the things to be cherished!
6/10 Prompt: Moderate
Opalescence Whines
By GlazenDew
Opalescence is bored. Not coincidentally, so am I.
It’s a formatting eyesore. Inconsistencies, parenthesis, block caps.
Not happeneing.
DNF
Dr. Ends’ Curio Shop
By Goldymarg
Water dragon wants a thing to cross the river of Styx. That’s as much as I worked out.
Hardly poor writing, but: “Hey Grampa, I finished dusting out the store room, when can we – GASP!”
I mean… really? Oh, and double spaces after periods. That still bugs me; it looks so freaky. Parentheses again. So basically, there’s a good reveal (I mean I could actually picture a really good scene in a movie) that should set up a great adventure and then nothing really seems to happen for a while. Nothing happening plus lots of niggling issues had me skipping ahead and then it was all over.
DNF
When a Giant Jellyfish Visits Ponyville
By A Random Guy
A story in a story about a space jellyfish that eats to much plutonium and sits on Ponyville to recover.
You know what happens when I don’t laugh at comedies?
Correct: I save myself some time.
DNF (But some people will definitely find it funny)
Reminiscence
By Such a Chlorbag
Young Discord meets young princesses and things go wrong.
The setup is pretty generic, and nothing much really happens with it, but that couldn’t quite explain why the whole thing felt so monotonous. I even put it aside and retried in the morning just to be sure I was giving it a fair shake. But in the end, the writing itself is just so bland (though not error-prone, thankfully) that it can’t hold my interest.
Chances are some of you will get something out of this, but it’s not really a Discord that makes any sense to me.
DNF
Bloomberg
By ROBCackeran53
Bloomberg has always had a certain orange filly that cared for her more than most – a tree’s perspective.
This sounds like a crowd favourite going in. It is good? Yes. Solid writing, good voice, great idea, lots of emotion. Is it great? Not for me. Thing is, there’s only so much re-treading old ground (following show timeline) you can do before things get a bit flat. For me, this goes too far, and sometimes the emotional hits are… well, I guess it’s just on the wrong side of empathy versus feeling manipulated. It’ll do better that my score will indicate, of course, but the execution is a lacklustre in my eyes. Still, lacklustre and a 6 from me – that ought to say something.
6/10 Prompt: Moderate
Not in Bluff Nor Bravado Nor Loneliness
By Vivid Syntax
Iron Will wanted to help ponies not get picked on so much, so he took a show on the road. Unfortunately, he didn’t like where that road ended.
The story a little perfunctory, in many ways, but it’s one of those times where just not getting anything wrong is enough to get you through. It keeps a decent pace, does some good foreshadowing, doesn’t make any significant writing errors. It kinda gives you exactly what you might expect, but that isn’t always a bad thing. What it really does do right, is take the prompt and run with it.
5/10 Prompt: Strong
PRIDE
By InquisitorM
Ambushed while raiding livestock near a pony village, Osvald, a griffin warrior, has to wonder exactly why he has been spared – while getting dragged into pony politics.
I'm not one for false modesty, so yes, I really am going to tell you how I score myself. (And you can all tell me how wrong I am)
Some may find the early pacing a little low for their liking, and it doesn’t say many things about pony culture that people will likely appreciate, but it certainly holds the prompt centre stage as it delves into how ponies and humans really do share many traits – including the bad ones.
Opinionated: Check. Well written: Check. A few after-the-fact-holes that could really do with pugging: Umm… Check.
Yep. It’s definitely mine.
7/10 Prompt: Strong
Lend Me Your Eyes
By Smaug the golden
A dragon sets fire to a village and takes the treasure back to his cave. A child of Faust—
Wait. What? Child of… Faust?
DNF
Frail Creatures
By DerpRavener
A wandering, half-dead changeling throws himself at a hydra, only to find that he has the situation all wrong.
No real finesse to be found here. Still, the construction of an actual story is at least vaguely present, and I don’t recall core grammar errors or formatting issues, so in the end it’s just too simple to be interesting, but not strictly bad, either, and it makes a genuine attempt to run with the prompt.
2/10 Prompt: Strong
Love and Death
By morningMist
Unknown.
Missed capital in the first line is not helping my lack of optimism going in.
Nope. Too many small errors in the first two screens’ worth of text. Not going to spend my time on 12k of this.
DNF
Special Day 2 Finale:
Head vs. Heart
Two stories really tickled me in the last 24 hours, and I want to draw attention to them as being very opposite to each other. One is a finely crafted character piece that's a little shy in the emotional investment stakes. The other is a real stealth entry: early reading looked bad, but behind some bland prose it suddenly beat with the emotion stick when I least expected it.
My Father Used to Say
By Nightwalker
Gilda moved out to Appleoosa, where she pretty much owns the skies. Living in an earth pony town may not be exciting, but it’s never quite dull, either.
Nightwalker has a wonderful knack for easy to read prose without ever oversimplifying things. I couldn’t say I love the story, but it was one of those rare things that was just fun to read. What’s more, the story uses the prompt in a very literal and fulfilling way. Since he clearly has an eye for just the right touch of comedy and worldbuilding, I would suggest people take a look at this. There’s only one story on the account, but I figure he/she must have more somewhere. (turns out that was truer than I ever imagined)
7/10 Prompt: Strong
Moot Model
By Sarcasmo
She knows she isn’t fashion model material, but dammit, she just has to try.
The textbox says ‘my last minute entry into…’ So, bets anyone?
Well, fuck me sideways with a blender. The prose is largely uninspired, but that is truly a tremendous amount of heart in such a thoroughly unexpected package. Tough one to score, but my heart is going to score it higher than my head wants to agree with.
Doesn’t really hit the prompt much, but this is just one of those gems that brings a smile to my face. I think it will yours, too.
6/10 Prompt: Weak
Well, it's Head for the win, and by a good margin, but I would suggest that both of these stories are worth a little of everybody's time, competition of not.
And so, the running list of passes, in order of my ranking, as as follows.
7's
My Father Used to Say – Strong
Pride – Strong
The Last Trumpet's Call – Weak
6's
Mortal Coil Foiled – Moderate
Bloomberg – Moderate
Moot Model – Weak
Veni, Vidi, Verti – Moderate
5's
Not in Bluff Nor Bravado Nor Loneliness – Strong
A Tired Life – Weak
Later all!
-M
What, if any, story would you give a 10 to? Not in the contest, just in general on the site. Sure, having the top number being too easy is a problem, but so is making it impossible. I'm curious what your benchmark for the top of the scale is.
2380439 An Imaginative Performance and The Never-Was and Wouldn't Be for starters.
The things is, no, having 10 be nigh-on unreachable isn't a problem in the same way that having it be too reachable is. Fidelity is the key. If you hit ten and can't go higher, then you're limiting the fidelity of the scoring bracket. However, if 10 is virtually unreachable, that's no different from just having 0-9 rather than 0-10. Technically you lose some fidelity, but no more than you do simply by using 0-10 rather than 0-11.
So as far as I can see, there really in no problem at all, as long as it's fairly consistent.
I laughed a little too much reading through these. I'm almost tempted to read Dr. Ends' just so that I can compliment the author on his perfectly acceptable and unobjectionable double-spacing, though it sounds like that was far from the only issue you had with it.
2380481 Of course not (you monster).
2380462
Thanks. Just making sure it was possible to get the highest slot is all. Basically it's a 0-9 scale, with a extra slot for a story so good it surprises you. But as you say, the most important thing is consistency.
I'll give those two standout fics a read.
Oh my.
Flattery will indeed get you everywhere
Quite delightful to read this entry, I had been curious to where mine was going to show up and am very surprised and pleased by that finale. I am really enjoying how these are unrolling so far and look forward to seeing your opinion of other pieces that I personally enjoyed.
And it's he.
Hm, good company, so far.
Thanks for the read. I was a little leery coming off this one, having never used first-person before. I learned while writing that it's much more difficult to write than I believed. Honestly, the second-person view in 'Hungry was easier to write.
Now I just need to get back to third-person limited. It's my home and I've been away for a while.
2382836 I literally had exactly this discussion with Nighstalker, yesterday. I went with a tight 3rd person because it was written to a deadline and that's what I know. We're going to look at redoing it as 1st person after the competition (although I may write it off as an inefficient use of time and just write something in 1st person to practice).
Blueshift's story is coming up today. I think he might wipe the floor with the both of us!
-M
I was feeling kind of good about myself this morning while leafing through the entry posts. Then I happened to come across this by chance. Now I'm feeling extreme nausea.
Hello, this is Goldymarg ~
So, I've failed.
Well, it's nice to know now, rather than wait for disappointment. I liked what I wrote, and I thought I could share a character driven narrative, but once again my own pathetic writing comprehension held me back. I spent so much time and effort on this piece last week, too.
No, this isn't me screaming out for sympathy. I'm fully aware that I suck. But at the same time, I couldn't just see this and not say something. Basically, I'm just venting. Please excuse my rudeness.
2385343 Do you have anyone as a regular pre-reader/tutor? Do you follow writing/editing groups or anything?
I ask because the dramatic tension in that opening scene is great – could probably do with speeding the first few paragraphs up, but that's pretty common. Some people are good writers and some people are good creators. As Horse Voice once said, it is rare that anyone is both. I'm much more on the writing side, much like, say, Obselescence, while you strike me as being more on the ideas side. Getting what's in your head down on paper is a bitch to learn, and it's no so far behind me that I can't remember. If I can help to source the support you need to get where you want to be, I'd like to.
-Scott
P.S. I'm only one asshat – and a particularly opinionated one at that. I'm not even one of the judges.
2385355
I'm afraid I've no proofreaders. I don't even interact on this site as much as I'd like. Never thought in a million years that I'd be kicking myself for not paying enough attention in english class...
Nevertheless, it'd be nice to have someone kindly point out every glaring error I make. Though I'm not particularly sure they'd have the patience. Despite grinding out my contest entry in practically a week, I'm a very slow writer. I want to get better though, I want to share my craft without fear of ridicule. My problem is that I just don't know what I'm doing when it comes to writing comprehension, nor do I have any idea where to learn or how to fix my mistakes.
2386792 Screw English class; that's just a mass training centre to pass tests and conform to standards. Honestly, a little self-study and a well meaning support group is all you need if you really want to be able to write.
The first part, well, that's on you. You gotta be willing to put the time in. Second hand books on writing an editing are pretty cheap, otherwise there are libraries, and that's before you even touch of the vast (is occasionally daunting) resource that is the internet. But I would imagine you knew that already, which means the bigger question on your shoulders is why you have not made the most of the tools around you.
No doubt, you've already taken that as an attack on you. I've seen that a lot. But what it really means is just that there is a reason you haven't. I can already see the neurolinguistic programming going on in your replies. Of course you know where to learn. Of course you do. What you mean is, you don't know anywhere that you're certain is safe, so you've already written it off the things you can think of. I get that, believe me, I get that. There is always a reason. Cause and effect is how the world works.
And you're right. Who the hell wants to jump into a group that's going to mock you or ridicule you just for not knowing everything already? And this is what I said editor/mentor in the first place. Chances are, you have the chops to do the work and just need someone in your corner. I'd bet money that you don't talk about writing MLP stories in front of many, if in fact any, real flesh-and-blood people out in the strange place that isn't the internet. It is, as far as I have been able to tell, the norm in these parts. A lot of us started out in the same boat.
So the first part is that haven't located the resources you need, but the flip side is that you kind of have. I mean, you could have just read my post and walked away, but you didn't, and sometimes asking is just having a little whinge or complaint and hoping against hope that someone pays attention. Such a shame that one of the most human things in the world had been twisted into some kind of weakness.
But no matter. It has been noticed.
As for the second part.. that is something I can definitely help with...
++++++++ TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED ++++++++
STAND BY. . . . .
EMERGENCY BROADCAST UNDERWAY
Let's see who bites.
DNF. Ah, well, only thing to do is try harder next time.
2425523 Faust references are always going to be a deal-breaker, I'm afraid. But that's just me.
2425532 Wrote that in on a whim. Was doing everything last minute, didn't think first.
Sorry that it wasn't what you were looking for. Honestly, I would scrap that line if I ever went back and re-wrote it. You reviewed really fast. How'd you do it? I take a week at least to review.
2425542 Pretty much just read through and throw down whatever was left in my head at the time. I kept a notepad open on my desktop and cut/pasted any lines that stood out for me. Usually that means dodgy grammar or telling and the like, but it helps me to remember what I was enjoying and how often I got tripped up.
I set the bar for DNFing stories pretty low, since I knew how many I had lined up, and I'd have to say my reading speed increased noticeably during this escapade. But most of what I focused on was just whether a story was fun and/or interesting. I'm hardly your average site dweller, so I'm largely immune to the effects of shipping, [random], and short ideas presented as stories. I need to be actively engaged with good writing, and that rules out a large chunk of the fics right away. One of the things that actually impressed me about An Outsider's Perspective was that it broke the 4th wall for a joke and actually got away with it. I would never have expected to see that.
But stories that were actually constructed like stories and had at least a basic understanding of writing fiction generally got through okay.
Your story, for example, is probably too short to have any significant chance to pull off the premise properly. The emotions aimed for need more time and subtle manipulation to manifest properly, but it doesn't mean there isn't something to the concept. What does stand out, now that I had time to go back and look at the rest, is that you seem to have picked up some very good habits regarding dialogue. I hopped to your next-story-along to make a quick comparison, and the more recent one seemed much better.
Without meaning to sound negative, but it's a very unpolished application of good techniques as opposed to more polished implementations of bad techniques that seen to be the norm around here. You could stand to lose some of the tell-y said-isms, but you have an eye for minimising your attribution, which is a huge plus in my book.
How did you go about learning to write, if I might ask?
2425639 Honestly, I learned to write by reading good writing and learning from others. I'm a freshman trying to read and write in his spare time. I love fantasy, and I've dreamed of writing a fantasy novel since I was five. I've written lots of things since I was in kindergarten, narrating to my dad while he typed, then moving on to writing stories on my own. I write short stories and long when I can. Often times I scrap ideas then come back to them weeks, months or years later. I grew up in a large family, which included a mother who writes, a grandfather who teaches history, and an uncle who teaches literature, so I often go to family members for advice. By the way, you said you moved onto my next story along... Or maybe it was someone else's.
What story was it you were checking out?
The Last of the Perytons
It opens with several bits of dialogue but doesn't use any attributions, but it does then go on to use snapped, hissed, and snarled in short order, none of which really ought to be used in my understanding.
I've written a bit more about it here. Largely it's extrapolated from the book quoted at the top of the page, with a few bits of fanfiction experience thrown in.
And now that you mention it, I'm guessing it's not yours as it is book (*cough* properly *cough*) formatted rather than linespaced. I still haven't seen a good reason for this rather bizarre formatting choice that fanfiction communities seem tethered to.