Now canon

Comments

[Super Trampoline]

Because he was canonized? Sugarcube, that's a mighty worn joke.

[Westphalian_Musketeer]

2055345 I thought it was cute, in the 'child bringing their macaroni picture for you to see' kind of way.

[SpaceCommie]

2055345
I liked it!

I mean...

Look, it's a clever play on words.

[Titanium Dragon]

I have to say the Catholics really should just relax the whole "miracles" thing, it really always sounds kind of silly to me. Maybe I'm just a cynic, but it sounds like they really had to try to scare up miracles for him.

[Xhoral1865]

I missed something important didn't I?

Why does this always happen to me?

[Titanium Dragon]

2055455
Pope John Paul the Second got sainted.

Why does this always happen to me?

[Xhoral1865]

2055464
Oh.

[Honeycomb]

I laughed.

[Emptybee]

You're a bad, bad...oh. Well never mind then, carry on.

[Karach]

I never considered you a religious horse.

[AugieDog]

2055448

The "powers that be":

Actually did do away with the second miracle requirement for John XXIII, the other pope canonized today. But then I suppose the way he got the Second Vatican Council organized could be considered a miracle all in and of itself...

Mike

[Titanium Dragon]

2055537
Well if God can work through the Cardinals election to pick the pope, no reason not to call Vatican II a miracle.

[Georg]

Heh. As bad as that was, I can't stop smiling. Good one.

[yamgoth]

Should I be scared at the simple fact that BH is even mentioning this?

I mean, the Santa Clause on a wrecking ball with the plug for Ghost was amusing and confusing, but this... plus BH...

He's a bad, bad horse...

[Chatoyance]

Let's Learn A Catholic Magic Spell!

Magic is fun, and learning spells doesn't have to be limited to pretending to study at Hogwarts. There are two kinds of magic - thaumaturgy, which is straight up wizard work, and theurgy, which is magic done in church, usually tapping the magic of the gods or spirits.

This is a simple theurgic spell, authentic, and taken from official Catholic doctrine. It is easy to memorize, and easy to perform anywhere, at any time.

Grab something made of grains, say, a slice of bread.
Pour a glass of wine. It can be any cheap wine, but it cannot be beer or whiskey.
Hold your hand over each in turn, and say this magic cantrip:

“Hoc est enim corpus meum, Hoc est sanguis meus"

You might notice that the first part sounds familiar: “Hoc est enim corpus meum," - it is familiar. That is the actual source of the phrase 'Hocus Pocus'! Hocus Pocus is simply an incorrect, sloppy attempt to say the original magic words.

So, now that you have done the spell, what did it achieve?

That bread, sitting there, is no longer bread. Seriously. One billion people actually, really, believe what I am about to say: that bread, even though it still looks like bread, and smells like bread, is not bread now. It is literally - factually - human muscle tissue.

The wine, likewise, despite all testing and every sensory experience has instantaneously ceased to be wine. It is now human circulatory fluid. Blood. Plasma and leukocytes and platelets and red blood cells. For real. No joke.

One billion people take this as really, actually real. A billion people can't be deluded, can they? So, you have just transmogrified ordinary foodstuffs into human bodily gore. Entrails.

If you eat this now, you are literally, factually, committing cannibalism.

That said, it should be noted that this cannot substitute for eating actual protein. It will not sustain you, because the illusion that it is still just bread and wine is so complete that your body will not digest the glutton and gore properly. Neither will it taste or smell like meat. But - it really is!

This spell is an authentic spell - real, actual magic, completely believed by a billion people. The process is called 'Transubstantiation', and now you know how to do it at home, at work, or at McDonalds.

So, give it a go. Why let unicorns and Celestia and Gandalf have all the fun?

It's simple, easy to do, and makes a great party trick too. Transubstantiation. Authentic Catholic tribal magic, and now you know how...

... and knowing is half the battle!

Have fun, kids!

[FanOfMostEverything]

Huh?
(looks at comments)
Ohhhh... That's kind of funny.

[bookplayer]

2055885
You missed the steps where you have to have faith in God and, ya' know, be a Catholic priest. If it didn't work for you, that's probably your problem.

[Bad Horse]

2055541 And yet, I'm sure there are many Catholics who think John XXIII will burn in hell for Vatican II.

2055530 2055842 What? Who did you think picks who gets to be canonized?

[kalash93]

2055885

[toafan]

2055885
DnD, of all things, suddenly makes sense.

[Titanium Dragon]

2056019
Works about as well as Wiccan magic.

Incidentally, that is something that has always amused me about everyone who freaks out about witchcraft. In the end, spells are pretty much just prayer, and let's face it, if any religion ACTUALLY allowed its followers to throw fireballs and call down pillars of holy light and flame onto their enemies, everyone would join up. People worrying about witchcraft implies that witchcraft would actually work, i.e. that their religion has power - power which their own religion apparently lacks. So it has always struck me as rather silly. I mean, if you really believed in witchcraft, why not join up?

Alas, they don't even teach priests how to turn undead anymore. Just lots and lots of stuff about the Bible and Christian scholarship and whatnot. Though I have respect for Catholic priests; they actually have to spend a bunch of time learning how to be what they are, unlike a lot of protestant sects, where any schmuck can be a minister.

Or at least, the priests in training CLAIM they don't. Personally, I think they should just say that they totally can - bring them a zombie and they can demonstrate. Alas, being fresh out of zombies, I cannot.

[Karach]

2056029
Obviously not the deity (-ies) of the chosen religion. Which would mean that such burden lies entirely on the shoulders of its believers.

[Blue_Paladin42]

[Bad Horse]

2056931 Don't be silly. I, er, I mean the good and trustworthy people in charge, wouldn't let believers decide important things.

[Karach]

2057497
Implying choosing who to canonize is an important thing...
Then again, to about a seventh of humans on Earth it might be...

Ah well, perhaps I should stop making fun of it. Karol Wojtyła was, after all, my fellow countryman.

[yamgoth]

2055885
[durr]You... lost me. Too many fancy Latin words, magicks, and what have you.

But you said Hocus Pocus and I like those words a lot. You earn my thumbs up :D

...Was there hidden sexual meaning in your instructions? I think yes.[/durr]

All this religion talk has got me thinking of communion... I don't think I ever completely understood it. I don't think I ever really cared too much for it, even back then. Right now, I don't consider myself a Catholic, despite the upbringing of one. Just don't tell my parents. They still drag me to mass on the random times they still go, ignoring that their son quite frankly just doesn't believe in the same things they do.

Hell, they even ignore things like me coming out of the closet. "Hey Mom and Dad, I like gals and guys." Mom then proceeded to casually talk about how I should get hooked up with a nice Filipina[1][3]... ignoring that I stated I like guys, too. Oh, and I'm more partial to white people :P They're more alluring than Asians to me.

I guess it's just easier to blatantly ignore your kid's differences in front of their face and pray for their soul before you go to bed, eh?

Anyways, despite not considering myself a Catholic, I do consider myself religious; I just haven't found the right religion.

But I'm digressing too much. I want to talk about this silly little game I like to play whenever I get dragged to Mass and have Communion.

Basically, when I put the host in my mouth, I try to keep myself from dissolving it or swallowing it so I can take it out of my mouth later after mass and examine it to see if it really is flesh [2].

I have failed every time. It always comes out soggy and in pieces if I haven't already swallowed it. Unacceptable. It has to come out whole and dry; it doesn't help that I salivate like a dog. What? I like food a lot.

I can't keep it dry for the 15 or so minutes it'll take for Mass to end and get back to the car.

I figured a long time ago that the whole Host thing was metaphorical, but I'm still curious anyways. Could it miraculously turn to flesh? Last time I was dragged to church was last year, I think.

Hooray for undermining important religious rituals into a game right from the get go?

[1]It's pretty much Filipino tradition to marry in the same ethnicity. Or so I've been led to believe. It's been seen as rather taboo to marry other ethnicities or races from what I've seen and heard from many of the Filipinos I've known.

Mixed couples seem to either be distanced from the community or rather welcomed. It is rather cute when white people try to fit in and speak Tagalog, utterly slaughtering the words and accent.

Me? I was born in Canada and actually kept away from the community by my parents. I speak only English. An outsider to my own people right from the get go XD I can slaughter Tagalog as well as any white person, perhaps more, salamat.

Oh, and the majority of Filipinos Christian. Something to do with colonization from Spain a few hundred years ago or something.

[2]I skip the wine. My parents taught me to steer clear from it, not because of the alcohol, but because many people have pressed the goblet to their lips, and that's unsanitary. You know, something that takes precedence over faith, apparently.

[3]Godammit, Ghost and Paladin. You've got me doing footnotes, too. They're bleh-ey, smelly, and some people have a tendency to forget what statement was attached to the footnote. Especially in a fanfiction format. It's one thing when the footnote is at the bottom of the page of a book and another at the end of a 7K word story. There's a tendency to not care enough to go back and read what the footnote pertains to. Perhaps putting the word that the footnote was attached to at the bottom would help?

Ok, I'll give that they're extremely useful if you have a MWOT[4] to add.

But isn't it better to add what you're going to state in parenthesis next to it?

Fuck it. I give up

[4]Mighty-Wall-O'-Text