So what do Knights of the Realm do, anyway? · 2:36pm Mar 17th, 2013
At the Grand Galloping Gala is finally over, and I have begun work on Crisis on Two Equestrias at long last. AtGGG was probably my most controversial story ever, and hopefully it'll retain that title forever - I don't want to write anything that potentially fandom-dividing ever again. But, we'll see.
On a lighter note...oh, and SPOILERS AHEAD for those who have not finished AtGGG...
...at the end of AtGGG, Trixie, Ditzy, Raindrops, Carrot Top, Lyra, and Cheerilee were all created as Knights of the Realm. Luna mentioned that they get various rights and privileges as a result of that. However, I like to think that the rights and privileges are incredibly minor, and often bizarrely random, things. Also they should come with some obscure, funny requirements.
Basically these are going to be knightly privilege versions of dumb laws
So, I figure to help us all cheer up from AtGGG, we should get a collective list going of what rights a Knight has in Equestria! Just post whatever you like. The best and/or most amusing will be made canon at some point!
Let's get started.
- They are to be addressed as "Dame [First name]," instead of "miss [last name]." (Note: this is the only consistantly relevant one)
- While in Canterlot, they are permitted to carry their weapons openly.
- They are permitted to have more than one alcoholic drink in front of them at a time.
- They are not required to wear pants, ever (reference to an (obscure, forgotten) law in Xenophon requiring all ponies to wear pants when at the Fountain Inn)
- If two knights meet on the same road, neither shall proceed until the other has passed.
They are REQUIRED to have at least one drink in front of them at all public functions.
They can own land, and get better castle's than baronets.
If they use the Elements, their attack animation must take one minute and ten seconds to complete.
They can take on a squire/page. (Dinky page. You know you want this.)
They get a totally BITCHIN' set of armour. Like seriously. Swag.
I know there is a faithful steed joke in here somewhere.
Training in lance use is required. Special course on taking down monsters disguised as windmills optional, but recommended.
The authority to hit members of the Night Court right in the sensitives.
And lastly, guaranteed hat sauce for any hay shake.
If a knight should find the service of an inn unsatisfactory, the owner may be put to death by way of torture.
A knight may have carnal relations with any creature they so choose, with or without consent, and should anypony contest this right, they shall be turned to stone.
Knights may take any pony as a thrall. This thrall shall forevermore be considered the sole property of the knight, and must thereafter obey the every command of said knight on pain of death.
No donkey may come within 90 yards of a knight, punishable by banishment to the realms of Azathoth, as such unclean creatures are unfit for the presence of betters.
Wait, if they're on the road, they have to get out of the way of one another?
-Knights get a personalized coat of armor and a seal for all their official communication.
- Suits of Armor are considered proper ceremonial wear for meeting with foreign dignitaries.
-When a Knight is challenged to a game of Old Maid, Hopscotch, Ping Pong or Charade by somepony (or griffon) who is a Knight or a higher noble, they are obliged to take up the challenge.
-A Knight in armor and carrying weapon has the Right of Hospitality: when requested a citizen or lord must provide the Knight with at least one hay bale worth of food, water, and a place to sleep for the night.
-When crossing the border of a foreign land where Princess Luna does not hold a title, a Knight of Equestria must sing the Equestrian Nationnal Anthem. Despite Luna being Impress of Cavallia, this rule still applies there (mostly becaue it amuses Cadence).
-A Knight of Equestria has the Right of Cake: when being served food, only the owner of the house, manor or castle can deny the Knight cake with his or her meal. This does not apply in Prance.
-In Latigo a Knight cannot wear violet or purple fabric (a leftover law from the times where Latigo was an independant country).
-A Knight can eat the flowers in the parks and public gardens of Canterlot.
-A Knight has the Right of Funny Hat.
-A Knight is guaranteed front row tickets to any hockey game in Caneigda.
-A Knight has the Duty of Tournament. If Luna places a Call of Tournament, every Knight in the country must meet in Canterlot for a tournament (traditionally jousting, but it is at the Princess' discretion) to decide the bravest of them all. Viceroys and Vicereines can also temporarily gain the right to call a tournament, but they must grant one of their children or grand-children in marriage to the winner of the tournament.
- It is a knight's duty to do wildlife census reports in hazardous regions, such as the Everfree Forest.
- In the event that a knight is challenged, they are free to select a second who will continue in their stead should they find themselves incapacitated and unable to complete their task. This was originally intended for use in duels or quests, but found a great deal of use in drinking contests or 'finish the gigantic sundae and it's free' challenges.
- In some regions of Equestria, there are laws that newlywed couples must offer the bride to a visiting knight on the first night of marriage. Especially when Trixie is visiting.
(Nopony knows why Trixie is mentioned by name.)
They have the requirement to be followed at all times by a band of minstrals singing of the knights valient deeds. Alternatively they are to be preceeded by a herald who will describe their valient deeds to anyone they meet or any room they enter in as loud a voice possible. If there are no valient deeds to sing/describe then the herald/minstrals will have to get creative.
926686
Love it.
And yet, Trixie would still be seated behind a column somehow.
I think now we have to do Magic Duel, and then Trixie and Twilight learn they're obligated to marry after Trixie wins.
(Twilight: Don't worry! I've read many books on the subject! For instance, the kama sutra -- oh, wait. You made your ears disappear with magic again.)
As for rules...
* A knight may ride another pony into combat.
* A knight is obligated to learn how to joust
* Knights may order minor nobles (count and lower) to loan them a certain number of troops or servants for 'missions.' This was challenged after one knight ordered that thirty servants help her do the pony pokey in a big dance, but Luna overruled the challenge because she likes pokeys.
* Knights may keep any animal they please as a pet, irrespective of local ordinances.
* In order to protect their liege, a knight may insist on sampling the princess's food at state and royal dinners, to check for poison and sufficient deliciousness.
Knights have the right to demand parsnips from any pony they meet while traveling.
Knights have the right to be wicked cool and sicknasty on a skateboard. (Non-Knights are restricted to being wicked cool or sicknasty, not both.)
Knights do not have to fight for their right to party.
Knights have the right to arm bears.
Knights have the right to wear more than 2kg of 'bling'.
Seconding the 'faithful steed' and Right of Cake ones. (Knights have the right to have dessert with every meal.)
-Knights cannot wear plaid.
926696 (Nopony knows why Trixie is mentioned by name.)
Until Trixie learns a time travel spell and tries to go back in time to get the law repealed?
-A Knight of the Realm may ride their giraffe through a public square without needing a permit.
-Assaulting a Knight of the Realm with a cream pie shall result in a fine of 50 bits, but the same offense conducted with a custard pie shall result in a fine of 100 bits
-If necessary, a Knight of the Realm may use another's garden as a toilet, provided they apologize for it before and after using it as such.
-A Knight of the Realm cannot be turned away from any establishment serving or selling alcohol if already intoxicated, no matter how offensive or outlandish their statements become.
-At their discretion, a Knight of the Realm may requisition any chimney available if they need to think inside of it.
926961
-A Knight of the Realm cannot be turned away from any establishment serving or selling alcohol if already intoxicated, no matter how offensive or outlandish their statements become.
I'm all for this if it means more Lulamoon!
A knight of the Realm has the right to play whitein any game of chess.
A knight of the realm has the right to sleep in any public place without a permit.
A knight of the realm use the response of "Because" when questioned about their actions.
A knight of the realm has the right to throw the first pie
- If a Knight enters a room that has a Zebra or a Griffon in it they must enter with their left hoof first
- If a Knight suffers from a panic attack, only another Knight may slap them
- A Knight's tears are to be called "liquid pride"
- If a Knight possesses wings, that Knight shall not ask that a spell be placed on said wings to make them unreasonably large
- If a Knight runs face-first into a tree, that Knight is honor-bound to have the tree cut down. Any trees cut down due to this rule cannot be made into furniture unless it is for the Knight's sworn enemy.
- All Knights must have a sworn enemy
Knights have the right to designate a Sworn Enemy, and get +2 on all Sense Motive checks vs that enemy. (Trixie chose 'wheels'.)
Knights have the right to hnunga wanna goba homina ralar. (Nopony can figure out what this one means, and Princess Luna refuses to comment. Legal scholars suspect she was drunk when she made the decree.)
926863
- Dead knights wear plaid.
927166 It's the traditional funeral garb of Knights. Living Knights don't wear plaid.
-Knights of the Realm are given a royal allowance of 5 jangles a month.
-Knights of the Realm cannot spend their entire allowance in one place
-Knights of the Realm found guilty of bad puns will be punished by tomato at sunset.
-Knights of the Realm have the legal power to name cocktails.
-When introduced at a formal event, a Knight of the Realm is allowed up to five accomplishment to be added after their names. These accomplishments can be made up and be used until somepony disputes their veracity.
926686
I can see members of the Night Court making annoying, BUT TOTALLY LEGAL housecalls for the Knights to slow them down.
-For obvious reasons no knight may say the word pumpernickel. (not even Luna remembers the purpose of this rule)
-A knight may lick any structure they wish.
-A knight is entitled to at least one barrel of royal mead a year. This may be adjusted upward in cases of good service, or simply times of plenty.
-A knight may use the royal premises for their wedding, with the same rights and restrictions of other ponies.
-A knight must help old ponies with their groceries, with the sole exception of such help being detrimental to Equestria's national security. (Luna mentions that, yes, that addendum is neccessary, since it was a problem more than once before it was added)
-A knight may charge a small tax for use of their land.
-A knight may refuse any part of meal and still receive desert, however this is not encouraged.
-For the defense of Equestria a knight is entitled to a suit of armor and weapon to be purchased and maintained at the crown's expense, no matter how ridiculous. Yes, even if they request a beaver as a weapon.
-All knights are to refer to the pony commonly called Starswirl the bearded as Starswirl the scraggly.
-A knight may ask for any unmarried mare or stallion's hoof in marriage, regardless of station. (the two loopholes are of course the result of the state of the knight not being mentioned. As in the knight need not be the opposite gender, or currently unmarried.)
-All knights have the honor of being chosen for the judging of all sorts of official royal contests, or presiding at various ceremonies.
-If an Knight saves a pony's life, then that pony owes a life-debt to the knight, which can only be repaid by saving the Knight's life in turn, or granting the Knight their first born in marriage. (Really, though, you all KNOW that there needs to be a CANON story where Trixie becomes honorbound to marry SOMEPONY because of this. It NEEDS to happen, and we just need to start throwing dumb law ideas at the problem until one sticks.)
-If a Knight does not wish to marry said pony offered in marriage, then that pony must be put to death (This is an OR ELSE to the previous parentheses. I mean it, mates, don't make me get the stick!)
-No noble may stand on a Knight's left.
-If asked to disarm before entering somepony's house, a Knight must still keep one small weapon on their person for self-protection.
-A Knight is entitled to one free drink on the house at any establishment that has a buisiness liscense granted by the crown. However, for each drink after that, the Knight must buy a round for all the other customers at the establishment (free drink, but prevents too much drinking/encourages generosity)
-Something that has to do with windows. I can't think of any good ones, but it's another that HAS to be done.
* Knights get 15% off passes to all carnivals, circuses, and theme parks in Equestria.
* Knights only need to buy 4 dozen donuts at Donut Joe's to get the Super Shopper Discount on their next order, instead of 5 dozen.
* When a Knight wakes up on her birthday, there will be a single red rose lying next to her on her bed. Nopony knows where it comes from.
* Knights have the authority to move two squares orthogonally, and then one square perpendicularly.
Wish I was funnier... um... something to do with dancing/singing "Knights of the round table" when ever approaching a capital city?
Also that cake rule (which I support) reminds me of one the princess's have in another fic that goes along these lines (We are the grease that keeps this country running, the glue that binds our nation. Without us, there would be no order. And without order, there would be no cake. Thus, since we are indirectly responsible for all cake, that cake is our absolute right,” )
A knight may not be their own minstrel.
A knight is to carry an article of clothing called a "glove" with them at all times. The purpose of this article of clothing is to slap the face of those they are challenging to duels
A knight may order anyone to stand guard at the front window at any time.
A winning Knight is entitled to 50% of the profits off program sales at any of their duels, a losing Knight 25%,
927918
Yes.
Also, seconding the Right of Giant Hats and 927100's 'If a Knight suffers from a panic attack, only another Knight may slap them'.
A knight shall have the Right of Ransom. In the event a knight is captured, they may draw on an amount equal to the value of their unencumbered estate from the Crown to be paid to the captor for release of said knight. This sum shall be held without interest until paid off, or until the death of the knight, in which case their estate will default back to the Crown.
-A knight may not fight windmills unless they are awake or sober.
-A Knight may recieve 25% off in any shop but out of chilvary can not cut to the head of a line consisting of no more than 2-3 ponies and must give up their spot in lines of 8 or more(unless in the case of emergency).
-A Knight must know the air-speed velocity of all types of swallow, unladen and otherwise.
-A Knight may not strike a beaver. Even if it's beeing unruly and insulted one's mother.
-if a hen lands on a knights head it can not be removed until it leaves voluntarily or a hen of equal stature dressed in a sun hat lands on one's rear.
-If a knight encounters an elephant, it is one's duty to plant 1 tree in the place where it "relieves itself", no matter how far it journeys or how akward it gets. The type of tree will be ascertained from the personal likings of the next random pony one encounters,if no pony is present..then the next mule, donkey, griffon, diamond dog or narwhal. Neither the Knight nor elephant have a say in the matter.
In order to protect their dignity (such as it is)...
Every year they receive 4/5ths of A sheep. ( {for wool not lunch} for modesty reasons...)
Ducks are not permitted to quack at them.
No one may empty their chamber pot until *after* the Knight passes. (Assuming one is walking towards them)
DUTIES;
They can be moderators during disputes, and pass punishments, not to exceed 6 days in the stocks. Afterwards they get paid. 3 apples or 2 eggs.
It's considered lucky to have a Knight make sweet sweet love to their special somepony in the fields at the start of spring. To ensure a good harvest. (from which they get 1/3 bushel of the harvest or 1 dozen eggs.)
)
( go Trixie! you little vixen you!
They have the option of being the judge of any local contest, or event. NOT involving alcohol (due to a tragic accident involving 2 drunken knights, a sheep, cream cheese and a razor)
They are obligated to charge the gates of Tartarus to rescue any innocents trapped therein.
When fighting in a tournament or duel, Knights are required to call out the names of their attacks as they use them.
926654 I fully endorse Dinky as Trixie's page. Trixie is the one who really cares about knight stuff, anyway.
Anypony under the formal tuition of a Knight is considered a Page, with all of the privileges and responsibilies due that position. (They really should have gotten rid of that rule before creating Dame Blackcherry.)
A knight may, in their heraldic device, include the following:
- Up to five chevrons
- A purple and silver border representing their service to Luna Equestris
- Up to five cupcakes, three lions or one pudding
All romantic intentions towards a Knight must be announced by letter. Failure to announce one's intentions formally is grounds for a duel, if the offender is noble, or being roughed up by the Knight's Page or Pages, if the offender is common. This is not grandfathered in the case of pre-existing relationships. (Sorry, Bon-Bon.)