Turns out I was not in my Silly Era · 11:10pm January 3rd
Hi all
Another personal blog post? From Mushroom? How strange.
Back in the beginning of August, I posted a blog that essentially said I was stressing myself out and looking for a way to have fun with the fandom again. I made some bold promises that I would be working on some cool new stuff, that I was going to quit taking myself so seriously and just let loose, and that my story-posting would soon see a large uptick.
Then, as some of you may have noticed, that did not happen!
A few community members who are especially close to me have noticed that it’s more than simply not posting stories - I stopped participating on basically all fronts. I said no to things I normally look forward to and enthusiastically participate in (such as holiday story exchanges, sitewide contests entries, sitewide contest judging!). I vanished from most discord servers, either by actually leaving them or by going silent. I stopped talking to friends. Really good friends.
As if all that weren’t bad enough, it gets worse: aside from my… some might say excessively dark and bizarre Nightmare Night story, I have written nothing at all in a year. I have told myself lots of tales about why this is, mostly because it’s the sort of thing that is very hard to be honest about: I’m not in my silly era, I’m in my major depressive era, and it really fucking sucks.
However. The point of this blog isn’t to dump a bunch of crap on your doorstep and trundle off into obscurity once again. I certainly don’t want anyone to come away from this feeling badly about any interactions they may or may not have had with me over the past year - I’m not fishing for sympathy or apologies or anything else like that. I’m also not here to tell you all about the stuff that’s happening in my personal life that has led to me feeling the way I do, or what steps I’m taking to try to address them. I’m here for one simple thing: accountability.
Back during the early days of the pandemy (cute way of saying pandemic) I could feel a storm a-coming. I knew bad mental health was on the horizon, and I did the only thing I could think of to stave it off: I challenged myself to an impromptu NaNoWriMo! My feelings about the resulting fic aside, this actually worked - not only did I hold it together for 30 days of writing (enough to get me to my graduation with a bachelor’s degree - haw yee), I found Quills and Sofas. That tale is more than a little roundabout, and I don’t need to repeat it all here. What matters is that I was active. I was making things, I was engaging with all of you, I was a part of a community! A community that sometimes had drama, but that overwhelmingly brought me joy in a time when that was hard to come by.
Come to find out I was doing this really cool therapy thing known as opposite action! How neat. My brain may have been on a near-daily tirade about how everything sucked super bad and this was surely the end of times, but I chose to act opposite to that feeling. I chose to pursue joy and fun, and to plan ahead for a future that felt uncertain.
This blog is very long way of saying that I badly need to do this again. My daily brain tirade has changed, and so too must the opposite action. My feeling, with no factual backing, is that my presence is a burden which is merely tolerated by people too nice to say otherwise. My action, then, is to push past that feeling and spend time with you all anyway.
This might take the form of writing more stories. It would be really cool if it did. It might take the form of writing blog posts. It might be reading and commenting, or picking back up on reviewing. Maybe I’ll switch over to visual art for a while, or get into doing readings. Maybe I’ll just make more of an effort to be chatty in discord servers. Through all of this, I am going to make new friends. I'm going to expand my community. I'm going to do nice things that make me and the people around me feel good, because by doing so I can slowly prove to myself that my irrational bad feelings are just that: irrational.
I need to be careful of over-committing - I am, after all, a graduate student with a lot on my plate - but what I want to promise myself is this: at least one small social thing every day. This is my first one, and it’s really hard! I’m fighting myself right now on posting it at all by re-reading for the fourth time and making minor edits. But, in the end, I know this will help. So I'm doing it. Take that, depression.
Anyway. I want to end this blog with an apology for the things I’ve let slip. I’ve ignored close to all messages, DMs, and comments in the last few months, and that has been weighing on me. You all know who you are. I’m really sorry for worrying you, and I’m sorry for not giving you the whole story - even when you asked. I love you all very much. I miss you.
To all the new friends I’m going to make this year: hello! It’s very nice to meet you :) I think we’re going to get along great.
Mush out - until tomorrow, of course.
*zaps you with positivity*
yeah, that major depression is a killer D:
Izzy Moonbow, surrounded by the depressive atmosphere of Bridlewood, chose instead to pursue joy and fun in a town that was said to be the pony ladder's bottom rung, all thanks to some guts and a single invitation.
Hi new friend.
5762187
There is much to be learned from the wisdom of Izzy Moonbow..
Hi new friend :)
Sorry to hear of all that. But you have the right attitude, doing the best you can to have a sunny outlook for this year will bring you if you rise to meet it. Even as it is difficult to put yourself out there, you were social and made the post. It's an outlook more of us could stand to learn from adopting, myself included.
My friend, I look forward to whatever you write or blog about this year!
Wishing you the best in 2024 and beyond! :)
YO FUCK DEPRESSION HOPE TO SEE MORE OF U SOON WHATEVER THAT MAY BE
Awwwww *hugsssss you with all the cheery optimism i have*
If you ever want to chat about anything, I'm always around!^^
I'm completely hopeless at making useful/sensible/non-incredibly-boring comments on posts like this, so have this one instead. But it does say that I'm still here, still reading and still wishing you good things.
Don't worry, you're far from the only one here dealing with burnout. Though I must say you do seem to have a realistic view on how to deal with it.
I approve of the "murder it with happiness" plan of attack. Stick to depression with a sharpened rainbow. That being said, hope you can push past this and if you need to talk feel free to poke :)
Keep fighting the good fight, even when it's hard. Especially when it's hard.
As someone who has for a long time been taking the attitude of "if I pretend hard enough that I don't have social anxiety, maybe I can make it go away" I uh ... learned the hard way a few years ago that that's not exactly true. But I've got a whole lot more friends and have had a whole lot more fun than if I hadn't pretended, so I'm still a huge fan of "assume that people are telling the truth when they say they like you / appear to be enjoying your presence", even or sometimes especially (... I'm stubborn, lol) when my brain's being an asshole and trying to tell me otherwise.
tl;dr: I'm sorry your brain's being a giant asshole right now, this opposite action thing sounds great (thanks for giving me a word for it, by the way!), and I hope it serves you well, too, and that we see more of you around this year, in whatever capacity brings you the most joy. :) (... Or, y'know. Whatever passes for joy at the moment, and working towards the better stuff, if necessary. :) )
The comment about forcing yourself to post the blog instead of re-reading it for the fourth time rings particularly true; I hope once you posted it that anxiety went away and you just did the "PHEW! OKAY I CAN RELAX MY SHOULDERS NOW FINALLY" thing. Always nice when that happens.
Anyway! One small social thing a day sounds like a great idea, and I'm sure it'll work out. Momentum is weirdly important in self-care -- once you start, it's easy to keep going, and by posting this you've kinda already taken the harder step. Response is going to be more or less universally positive every time you come out and post anything -- you're a great writer! People unironically enjoy reading everything you do; I'm sure you know this already, but it bears repeating! -- so hey, you'll steamroll the process. We'll witness a Mushroom more powerful than ever before. Cannot wait.
See you later and have fun in the new year!
Yay one small social thing a day!
I dislike that you're on the strugglebus, but more from like, I-don't-like-seeing-the-people-I-love-in-pain way. Being on the depression strugglebus is certainly not a sign of failure. Honestly, I've suspected that I've been entering a lil depression era myself, and ngl, it's pretty butts. I really strongly identified with a lot of what you had to say, both literally and tonally, and i bith love and hate that for us. Hate, because it's you know, butts, but love in that not feeling alone when you're feeling so consumed by loneliness can, I think, only ever be a good thing. So i really hope this aekward diatribe o' mine is helpful and not harmful, because that's the intent & also i think you've got enough of that harm-adjacent brain silliness going on.
But yeah, 'opposite action', who knew that thing I've likewise been doing has a real life psychology name. :D
Committing to even one small thing a day is really hard, and I applaud you, homie, for real. Actually, speaking of tomorrow (which is now today, since I forgot to press go on this comment last night oop a peak behing my own brain curtain):
Our weekly movie night for Quills is on Thursdays, and it has segue'd into video games for the next little bit. Shas made a truly winning argument for a certain dating sim demo, so we'll be dating fridges tonight at 7 PM PST. Your presence is requested, nay required for this venture!
...which is to say, highly desired because you make things better by being there but also I don't wanna pressure you if you don't have spoons, but also also please come be a fridge with us. 🩵
*hugs*
It is hard, and depression can go fall off the highest mountain in all the land.
This blog hits hard, and I hope you know that we are all here for you.
I know my dm's are always open if you ever want to talk.
Hang in there, mush! Hope things start looking up for you soon! I'm always happy to talk, and I don't mind if there are longer periods in between messages, because real life happens so much. Here's to another year, may it bring us more energy and motivation to do the things we love!