Ghost Mike's Ponyfic Review Monday Musings #56 · 5:00pm Apr 3rd, 2023
"Everyone being ridiculous on April Fool's Day. Yet I just find it annoying. Am I so out of touch?
"…No. It's the children humans that are wrong."
Evidently, I’m just getting old and boring, because I don’t think I’ve enjoyed April Fool’s Day beyond the occasional chuckle in a sea of stony silence of forced ridiculousness in many years now. Not that it’s really a problem, and simply carrying on with it like any normal day is only marginally more notable as a task for me than staying in on Paddy’s Day while much of the country (and the Anglosphere as a whole, let’s be honest) parties and drinks till they drop. Doesn’t mean I enjoy seeing useful links being replaced with rick rolls and the like. Perhaps the internet’s starting to belong to Generation Z. Not that I was ever a normal, socially active Millennial anyway.
Hm. You know, somewhat surprising that didn’t theme “22 Pranks Later” to be an Equestrian equivalent of April Fool’s, given how much they went all in on Earth analogue holidays after the show’s first few seasons. Or at least bump the episode’s writing up the production schedule enough for it to air within Season 6’s first few episodes around April 2016.
In not-internet news, I was also at a family christening yesterday. Don’t think I’ve been to one of those in a decade-and-a-half. Guess it took cousin’s having kids where the cousin lived close enough for us to be on the more selective guest list! As these things are wont to do. Amazingly, the baby didn’t make a noise all throughout the baptism, which was also notable for being done by a married deacon, the Church being so understaffed lately that non-mass duties are being done by them on weekends. He kept it lively enough, as church affairs go, which was appreciated. Usual stuff thereafter, drinks and lunch in a hotel, minor catchup with extended family members, though the number I knew was small enough.
Below, in Ponyfic news, there’s a few rare surprises, including not only a fic centred on background ponies and their fandom pairing that went down rather well for this spirit, but a fic most have adored and acclaimed endlessly, and which I was expecting to concur with, yet didn’t. Near-invariably I can tell in advance if an acclaimed fic won’t be my cup of tea; occurrences of me going this far against the grain with a fic I read and expected to adore are rare. Not new for me totally; I’ve frequently been a contrarian in my years of animation dissection (you want a hot take, bring your pitchforks: I prefer The Good Dinosaur to Coco). But it’s certainly rare for this space. Read on, if you dare. 
This Week’s Spectral Stories:
Cutie Mark Chronicles: Limestone Pie by PaulAsaran
Watch! Watch! by horizon
In Markmoriam by FanOfMostEverything
The Things We Do For ... by ObabScribbler
Pinkie’s Boutique by Tangerine Blast
Weekly Word Count: 41,287 Words
Cutie Mark Chronicles: Limestone Pie by PaulAsaran
Genre: Slice of Life
Limestone, Maud, Other, Igneous Rock, Cloudy Quartz
11,902 Words
February 2023
One day, Limestone Pie will be as good a rock farmer as Papa, come head or high gravel. Doesn’t matter if it seems to just involve moving or breaking rocks: under all her bluster, she’s got her heart set on it. That is, until Great Uncle Holder Cobblestone arrives with a massive and very stupid boulder, and an even more stupid test, one Limestone is certain is both unfair and deliberately calculated to do the farm in. But even so, she’s determined to play the game, and come out on top.
A new fic from PaulAsaran I didn’t pre-read? That means I can read and enjoy it! 
And also review it. Anyway, this cutie mark story for the grouchy Pie sister turns out to be quite the hoot; the unreliable narrator voice for an eight-year-old Limestone is very strong, capturing both the determination and naivety of someone that age, with all the simple statements and thoughts of an unwavering, sullen yet earnest kid. This achievement is more impressive than it sounds, because it also has to incorporate the restrained emotional demeanour of the vaguely Amish Pie family. So we have the adults being cryptic and restrained, while Limestone is trying to be but also fumbling constantly because kids have no filter. Even just from her annoyance at baby Maud throughout, this would be amusing enough. That it also feeds into the narrative and the resolution of the rest is icing on the rock cake.
We also have earth pony magic (largely of the more subtle “feeling the earth” variety as applied to rocks, and not of brute strength even for these ponies, which I appreciated), Limestone pushing herself to approach both this and rock farming in general from a more tactical, strategic angle, and an enthusiastic OC in Holder himself; above and beyond this story also serving as the origin for Holder’s Boulder and Limestone’s unflinching connection to it, he’s the right kind of jolly old pony to both bring out a new side for Limestone and provide an appropriate counterpoint to the reserved Pie parents. Even as Limestone is determined to see him as the pony making everything bad. Making the final scene all the more affecting.
With the fic being dense and fast-paced (this is in no way a sluggish 12K), it’s absolutely one that leaves the reader wanting more, in a manner that speaks of its quality; if Paul ever tackles other cutie mark origin stories for other ponies, as he’s hinted isn’t totally off the table, I’ll look forward to them very much.
Rating: Really Good
Watch! Watch! by horizon
Genre: Adventure/Comedy (Crossover, w/mentions of Sex & Narcotics)
Carrot Top, Rainbow Dash, Lyra, Bon Bon, Zecora
13,224 Words
February/March 2018
The sleepy town of Apple-Morepone is gripped in a crime wave. Well, more accurately a wave of negligence on the parts of both the perpetrators and the law enforcers, namely the City Watch. In the midst of napping through one patrol, “Rainbow” Dash of said Watch crosses path with a newcomer in town, one Carrot, there only to return an overdue book but soon to find her dedication to rules and bamboozling others with them will get her and Dash more than either of them bargained for. And the town will never be the same.
This fic won the "Comedy Is Serious Business" Contest, against what looks like a very tough field. It earned acclaim from many prominent folks, including a rare ★★★★★ from Louder Yay. It’s a pitch-perfect tonal impression of Terry Pratchett’s wit at work; even if I haven’t read the direct inspiration Guards! Guards!, this well struck me. It features meticulously laboured-over prose, rhyming with actual metre for Zecora, perfectly-timed jokes and reveals that are often outrageous, funky footnotes that don’t distract but add to the proceedings, a sneakily clever plot and character investment that works its magic throughout while you’re paying attention to the jokes, and so much more. This is a phenomenally executed piece of work.
And… I couldn’t get into it much at all. And other than it just never stopping and always having something happen one after the other without any real breaks beyond the chapter transitions, I can’t think of a single reason why this didn’t land.
Why baffles me. I’ve enjoyed many mile-a-minute comedies of this vein before, from Aragon and others. Ones often nearly this long too, and which move even faster and aren’t split into different chapters. I’ve enjoyed Ponyfic Discworld parodies, even of books, entries, characters, etc. I haven’t read or don’t recall. I’m not even bothered by the weird inclusion of a kleptomaniac from one of horizon’s other works, he doesn’t feel any less out-of-place then the rest. There’s not a single element here I haven’t enjoyed before, often as a default as long as it’s done competently, and there isn’t anything here done less than splendidly. There’s not a moment at which this wasn’t funny, and yet it just didn’t click. I should love this fic, and yet all I feel is terrible that I don’t, both for missing out and for it not clicking.
If it’s not clear by now, I’m strongly recommending this fic despite the rating I’m giving it. The side characters zing, it’s masterful at mixing the comedy with the story and making it resonate all while being completely and utterly outrageous, the smaller jokes in between the big punchlines ensure it’s never boring, and it’s just suffused with the energy of being meticulously laboured over without feeling like it's being fussed and polished to the point of losing any character. Even if you have a similar takeaway to me, you gotta read to be sure, and it’s all so impressive that even despite it landing softly for me, I’m still glad I read it. Though at the same time, I do stand by my personal assessment of how it fared for me. A ghost’s gotta stand by his instincts, after all.
Rating: Decent
In Markmoriam by FanOfMostEverything
Genre: Comedy/Drama
Misty, Opaline, Other
2,579 Words
November 2022
Saying you’ll do anything isn’t usually meant literally. Not so for a mare raised by an abusive, dominant revenge-seeking alicorn, never given the opportunity to learn anything about morals, ethics, or other dangers from tapering with forces beyond your control. Thus it is that Misty sees no issue utilising the castle’s library of Equestria’s past with Opaline’s scrying pool while she sleeps to summon that which will help her acquire her cutie mark.
This fic is in two minds in a way that can only really come from a veteran author all while brooding on an ongoing development in current canon. What with Misty and Opaline’s abusive relationship being in that area of being the most interesting thing in G5 currently by a mile, yet also being so hamstruck by the abysmal writing in the actual content itself, fan expansions on that are ostensibly welcome. The opening stretch of this does a workman’s job of getting into Misty’s mindset of having no filter either on Opaline knowing what to do, what she does herself, and how someone who’s only known a life like that would see it, and it’s all really quite effective as a writing exercise, even if it’s largely just headcanon theorising.
Then we get to what Misty unwillingly calls forth, and… whiplash time, we’re in a comedy that’s not quite “lolrandom” but is certainly knocking on its door. This material proposes some rather unusual and fitting G4 connections, for those that care about such things, and in the context of a canon theory crackfic, I can roll with it. It’s just not quite what the buildup was leading towards. This juxtaposition is doubled when Opaline herself shows up, and the comedic elements are briefly shelved for a moment of drama about the pair’s relationship, before they return and the fic fully embraces “canon slapping” mode for its conclusion.
Naturally, FoME handles these different approaches and tones with aplomb, so it’s never not effective. The crackerjack pacing gets in and out quickly before the ramifications or implications of most of the things here can stick, and the comedy, while never laugh-worthy, is amusing and cute enough. And the fic’s desire for something better for Misty gives it a good nature even when it’s dabbling in the field of necromancy.
I’m not fully convinced the two separate tonal aspects of this fic wouldn’t have been better on their own, but it’s probably unreasonable to expect that from what is basically a canon theory crackfic looking to be fun and not just stating its facts. It’s competent enough at that, and I’m here to judge the fic we got. So, whether you like/want better for Misty or just appreciate such things when written by a pro, this works.
Rating: Decent
The Things We Do For ... by ObabScribbler
Genre: Slice of Life (also arguably Comedy/Romance)
Bon Bon, Lyra
2,668 Words
January 2013Listened to via TheLostNarrator's reading
When Lyra foolishly ventures over to Bon Bon’s house off an invitation, in the pouring rain, and comes down with a bad head cold, Bon Bon feels responsible and puts her up here till she gets better. Even if that means putting up with her whining and offbeat habits. And that’s not all: she’ll even venture out in the downpour to get something Lyra really wants. That’s the things we do for… those we care for, after all.
I happened to read this fic while I was a bit sick myself. I don’t believe that influenced how I interpreted or judged it, but felt it was worth sharing. The universe works in mysterious ways, my friends.
It’s funny; in most contexts, I could imagine this fic not stating that it is a shipfic, instead saying to bring your own subtext and interpretation right in the long description, would be massively irritating, an inability to commit or admit the reality (I do recall Scribbler heavily favours OctaScratch more than LyraBon, so who knows, maybe that’s how she felt about the pair this early into her Pony YouTube/Fimfiction career). Perhaps that’s because it comes off as a prelude to them being in a relationship, but it’s likely more because this is done really well, for a few key reasons.
Mostly, that the characterisation is really good, fully justifying the friendship (and possibly more) between the two, something most shipfics tend to miss. Both ponies think the world of each other, believing the other has great talent they don’t capitalise on while they themselves aren’t much great shakes. Throughout the fic, we get lots of little moments in side dialogue and reflection, like Lyra doing a 180 from her normal slob tendencies for her toy collection, or Bon Bon’s background and connection to her departed grandmother and her recipes, with a vague analogue to real-world generational cultural issues following immigration that just works. The flavour is strong with this one. And this really continues throughout the whole fic – this is a dense 2.7K, all without ever feeling rushed.
Now, I’d be lying if I said this was all great shakes. While this is much better-written and conceived then most of Scribbler’s early Ponyfics (here; she’s been writing for this property all the way back to 2002 for G1, surprisingly), which were often poorly paced and plotted and little more than their concept (and clear in being vehicles for her preferred elements from the show/fandom), it still plays its hand with repetitive prose at times. The actual context of Lyra’s toy collection being an inverse of collecting blind bag MLPs to fulfil Lyra’s human obsession is funny and works for the fic, but it’s still meta commentary a bit too thick for my tastes. And at the end of the day, it’s still a fluffy quasi-shipfic.
But it’s a fluffy quasi-shipfic that gives such things a good name and is exactly what is needed to get non-shippers invested. There’s a lot here to work for everyone, so whatever your feelings on shipping, LyraBon, or being a love letter to the fandom, this look at friendship, family, dreams and desires hits home. Quite the nice, pleasant surprise.
Rating: Pretty Good
Pinkie’s Boutique by Tangerine Blast
Genre: Slice of Life (Alternate Universe)
Rarity, Pinkie, Fluttershy
10,914 Words
June 2022
You’d think having the only boutique in town would be a surefire path to success. Nope; turns out ponies are wary of monopolies. And on top of that, it leaves Rarity bored. There’s no challenge, no hook. She needs something to put her in the public’s eye. Some competition would do the trick. And what do you know, one just moved in down the street.
“Pinkie as a fashion designer” is certainly a hook, as is a mild AU where that’s her career path as opposed to being a party pony. For a little over half the story, however, that isn’t the focus; instead we follow Rarity in her “not so generous” mode as she pursues and observes Pinkie for tips on how to crack her, figure out what makes her tick, get inspired to up her own game, the works. Things are made fresher then you might expect by Pinkie not being just the same personality, but almost restraining that aspect, with tics neither Rarity nor the reader can quite puzzle out, but there isn’t much in terms of clues that satisfyingly click when we get the solution; it’s just generic “hm, she’s hiding something” hints with little in the way of discernable details.
That leaves Rarity being the major engagement level for much of this, and being frank, she’s not great, stuck midway being her competitive and generous personality aspects in a manner that tends to muffle both out rather than let them combine to a greater effect. When things do culminate in a one-to-one between Rarity and Pinkie that irons things out, we do get the full explanation, but it’s in a long exposition dump that’s not all that imaginative relative to the possibilities. Or, the way it’s expressed is. Moreso, Rarity’s character growth basically happens offpage here, not even emphasised as her realising she’d been selfish; she’s just helpful now. This all leaves the two halves (or 55:45, ratio-wise) of the fic feeling rather disparate, not effectively paying off each other or linking up all that well, such that were it not for the release date proximity between the chapters, I’d assume the fic was being improvised as it went.
That’s taken as a whole; read moment-to-moment, there’s a lot in the fic that works, from the eccentricity of some Ponyville citizens to a winning supporting role from Fluttershy. Plus, the end takeaway and moral here is especially winning. Pinkie’s quick to open up, but once she does and we get her deal, her characterisation is really winning. So, a muddled affair that shows every inch of its “hm, what would be the origin of this unusual MLP toy (this being the Pinkie Boutique Toy in the cover art)” gestation, but a sincere and earnest one that’s largely pleasurable enough to satisfy its concept.
Rating: Decent
Spooky Summary of Scores:
Excellent: 0
Really Good: 1
Pretty Good: 1
Decent: 3
Passable: 0
Weak: 0
Bad: 0
Yeah, that one was meant to present an amusing if unlikely idea as much as it was to explore Misty's perspective.
As for Watch! Watch!, comedy is subjective. Sometimes that means it just doesn't land for a given audience.
I too was never an April Fools fan, although I sometimes enjoyed the antics other people got up to. I'm particularly opposed to long-form writers posting April Fools joke chapters in the midst of their big stories (recently reviewed Filly Fantasy VI - The Return of Magic was frustratingly guilty of this). I tend not to harp on it though, because I am aware that it's just my (humbly correct Southern) opinion and not really worth bringing up in a review.
Glad you enjoyed Cutie Mark Chronicles: Limestone Pie! It was a certainly a lot of fun to write. I especially appreciate your reaction to the Pie Family's mannerisms and dialogue, because that was a matter I and my pre-readers fretted over perhaps more than anything. The original plan was to have them speak as they do in-show, but I quickly realized I was forcing it and it didn't feel realistic, plus my pre-readers kept pointing out spots where I was neglecting it or just not getting it right. I ultimately decided to go with something 'formal' but not over the top, which felt like a decent enough compromise.
I have no idea if I'll do any other cutie mark stories as this one was something of a spur-of-the-moment piece, but I learned long ago to never say never.
wow, I had the exact same reaction to Watch, alongside befuddlement that it didn't land for me :O I had always assumed it was just me!
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Oof, yeah, joke April Fools' chapters that are actual chapters as opposed to associated blogs, and which don't get removed later… they're a big yikes.
Actually, I wasn't thinking specifically in terms of fidelity to their handful of show lines, more just the balance of narrator perspective and how much/how little compassion is right to show from the Pie parents. But you make a good point: sometimes, with minor show characters that were barely onscreen at all, it's better to take small liberties with certain aspects them for ease of delivery, readability and character. And there's many a fanfiction, Pony or otherwise, where a character succeeds despite not being 100% faithful to their source material. No hard and fast rule here on this one!
Although I adored Watch! Watch!, I do know the feeling of which you write. I can't think right now of a specific fic that's done it, but I've definitely found myself thinking, "This is really well done... but it just isn't grabbing me like it should be" and sometimes being quite confused as to why. In the specific case of Watch! Watch!, I think having read Guards! Guards! (specifically) does help a little bit, but I doubt it would have suddenly made everything click given that you're not unfamiliar with Discworld as a whole. It happens. Fortunately there are a whole lot of other ponyfics ready to grab you instead!
As far as April Fools goes, I'm not a huge fan myself, though in my case it's partly because in some circles it seems to have morphed from harmless, ridiculous silliness to really quite unkind pranks -- and those I've really never liked. In Fimfiction terms, the 1st seemed to produce a whole bunch of authors (including some excellent ones) using the date to put out fics of the "Wow this makes no sense it's totally random shut up narrator" school, which I frankly find really tedious in 99% of cases. There was a disappointing lack of clever April Foolery that I could see -- unless of course it was so clever that nobody noticed...
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Probably won't age well, mind, and I don't mean because of future canon jossing it, that's an inevitability. 
Yeah, I probably should have also mentioned it being a Halloween headcanon crackfic too, context is key. I think such things just aren't a strong sell for me unless they're either really funny, or very well handled/balanced. This got mostly there on the second front, enough that it was this close to a Pretty Good – so it'll evidently cross to that threshold for most folks.
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When I read your review after writing mine, as I usually do if such a review exists, I was this close to editing mine to add words to the effect of "though Present Perfect was, if anything, even cooler on this then I was". Perhaps I should have? Likely I felt I was letting the reception to this by other folks weigh it down, hence not doing so, but showing it wasn't universally acclaimed would probably have been wise. Shrug.
But yeah, isn't it always a bit discomforting when you don't get into something everyone else has and that you feel you should have too? As opposed to works I expected to not land for me, and which reinforced my contrarian views, that never fazes me.
It's only this criteria that makes me doubt my opinion.
But, we stick to our guns, no one can judge us for that.
I need to get around to Markmoriam. Misty deserving better, Izzy being lonely, and anything Haven are my big pulls into G5 worldbuilding and this is right up my alley.
Unfortunately I just started reading a 100k word story sooooooo
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Not that the fic needs more positive endorsement or is gonna be hurt by this lukewarm one, really. Especially not five years on.
The thing about writing a review of Watch! Watch! like the one above is it tests whether most folks actually read the review as opposed to just using the rating to judge giving it a look. Because if the latter, they'd likely skip it, but if they read it, and see the "all the ingredients are here, they didn't didn't click due to the fic being so unrelenting for me when it shouldn't have been" take, they'd probably go for it. Little way of checking that, mind!
Even if we apply Sturgeon's Law, there's nearly 15K of them! Well, 14K if we chop off the worthwhile batch of all the fics I've read and bookshelved. So, yep, supply ain't gonna run out anytime soon!
However it's happened, I've largely not noticed this April Fools' trend on Fimfiction outside of joke chapters, temporary or otherwise, added to ongoing fics I'm tracking. Which, as PaulAsaran notes below/above, is often irritating. These "lolrandom" one-shots sound like the worst kind of seasonal fic, barely tolerable in the day's moment and massively annoying thereafter. But, as noted above, we've got so much Ponyfic to choose from that trends like those, or old forced memes like the peach fics (
), are easy to ignore.
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Though hey, you can afford to break in between chapters at a key structural point, like an act break, to digest a quicker 2.6K one-shot. 
G5 pulls of yours I've well internalised by now!
Though I'm sure if you took the plunge with a fic that long, it must be quite a good one. Whenever you fit In Markmoriam in, you got yourself a lot of Ponyfic goodness ahead between it and that, buddy.
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Thanks. ~ Just started this one on a recommendation. Still on the prologue but so far so good.
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I think one of my irritations with that particular kind of lolrandom fic is that they can feel perilously close to being an in-joke, aimed at a small circle of the author's friends and not really anyone else. They tend to stay outside actually being that (which is good, as it violates site rules to do it) but in some cases not by much. Give me a peachfic any day, even a mediocre one.
Watch! Watch! got the equivalent of a high four stars from me, but I understand how things can just not click with someone. I'm glad you went over the major aspects because if I hadn't already, I would have read the fic based on your review, and in spite of the rating.
I worked over the weekend, and on Saturday, at the daily safety meeting, the stage manager made it very clear that there would be absolutely no pranking of any kind. The entire cast and crew applauded her. There are a lot of people who are fed up with April Fool's day, evidently.
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If it would have sold the fic for someone whose to-read backlog is so thick he only gives fics rated Excellent and Really Good the time of day (and largely only if his tastes align for the latter), well, mission accomplished. 
So people do actually read the reviews!
Hey, what do you know, this light ribbing is the kind of stuff I can get behind on April Fools’.
Maybe more of the world will follow suit one of these days.
Also, you stage manager is a saint of a lady, and the cast and crew a sensible bunch of lads*.
*Meant in the gender-neutral sense, of course.
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I enjoy the fake adverts like bacon-favored milkshakes, myself.
I'm in California where guys is gender neutral!
Thank you for reading and reviewing!
It should go without saying that you are unequivocally entitled to your own experience of the stories you read; there is no critical mass which can or should invalidate your actual lived experience. I feel like you bent over backward to give Watch! Watch! the benefit of the doubt regardless, which is very kind of you.
I feel like it's going to be difficult for me to add much productive to comments, because as the author, anything I contribute to the conversation is going to be tough to keep distinct from me "defending" my work, and I don't want you to feel even more pressure to moderate your reviews rather than speaking honestly. That said, I think it speaks well for you as a reviewer that you can take the step back and distinguish between your personal experience and your analysis of the craft. Thank you for the extremely flattering words about the craft. I wish I'd been able to provide you a more enjoyable experience.
I wish I had better insight on why a reader can identify strong execution and yet so thoroughly bounce off the work; it's a fascinating topic in the abstract. (I can't think of specific examples offhand, but I know I've also felt the same about stories I've reviewed before; we did occasionally run across this problem with Royal Canterlot Library features, which is part of why we didn't require a unanimous vote. I definitely typed up features and quotes for stories that I personally reacted poorly to, focusing on the things I did appreciate.)
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Likewise, I wish I'd been able to make that particular story more enjoyable for you, though I know you've found plenty to otherwise like and I'm glad for that
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Thanks for the kind words!
The one thing that did strike me about both of the bounce-off reviews is the sense that the fic might have been a little too relentless, with not much breathing room. I know that my stories do tend to be pretty dense, in the sense of a more poetry-like condensation and an effort to have every part of the story supporting multiple weights; and that's something that I've gotten mixed but generally positive feedback from -- it might just be that I tend to write for that particular audience and that can limit the breadth of my appeal. This tends to show as well in the fact that I have a pretty stellar track record with contests and on the whole am well regarded by reviewers, and despite that, have no stories which have ever come within spitting distance of the sitewide top 100. So you're definitely not the first to have a well-regarded horizon story fall flat!
Anyway, keep up the good work
I don't know how much more ponyfic I've got in me at this point, but I'll try to do the same.
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I can't speak for the contests bit, but from a reviewer's POV I've had only a moderate degree of success reading sitewide top 100 stories. Checking the current 50 top rated completed stories just now, of those I've read (about half) there are plenty I've rated three or four stars, but only two got a five: Georg's The Lazy Dragon of Dragonvale and Skywriter's Martial Bliss. I'm not sure what that says about you, me, the site or any combination thereof, but probably something!
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Now there's an interesting observation. People have mentioned to me that the pacing of my stories is very fast. Too fast for some people. I have also "bounced off" quite a number of well-regarded fandom classics because I cannot deal with the (in my view) glacial pacing. These two things may not be unconnected.
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If I was Bad Horse, I'd probably work up a two-axis chart of well-known stories based on fast/slow and dense/fluffy writing styles that would prove something Horribly Significant about the intrinsic and absolute value of the style of horse words and the underlying moral character of the authors. But, thankfully for us all, I am not.
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I was wondering if you were ever going to see the review! Normally if the author sees it and acknowledges it via comment, it's within a day or two, or not at all. But it's, eh, good to see you here, horizon.
In the five days since this review went live, it's stunned me how much (relative) attention it's drummed up, to the degree I'm kind of embarrassed by it; I never like having to saying I liked or didn't like something without being able to articulate why. I cannot help but consider it a weak, ineffectual review
More than that, it made me realise I was holding back. When reading Watch! Watch!, I was so aware of its technical and stylistic achievements, and so stupefied that it wasn't enjoyable for this ghost except in isolated moments, that off knowing how acclaimed it was, I started to (semi-subconsciously) convince myself that I just wasn't getting it, that it was there and I was just having an off day, and thus I buried some actual concrete notes I should have included in the review. If anything, I bent over backward to give it the benefit of the doubt so much it made for a poorly expressed take.
I'm not going to edit the review. Gotta own your mistakes and all that. But I feel I owe it to myself, to all the others who've seen it, and to you the author of the work, to state what those points are.
The first relates to me burying some thoughts I did have. When I said it was "a pitch-perfect tonal impression of Terry Pratchett’s wit at work", that was wrong. I should have either said it was "ostensibly a pitch-perfect tonal impression of Terry Pratchett’s wit at work", just "a tonal impression of Terry Pratchett’s wit at work", or "purporting to be a pitch-perfect tonal impression of Terry Pratchett’s wit at work".
Now, I'm no Pratchett expert, having read just some Discworld books here and there over the years, but I've read enough to compare it to this readily. Having reflected on it, I can state that this felt more like an impression that gets the surface level, and even some of the mid-level stuff, but was missing the spark that turns it from random vignettes into connected ones that actually feed together into a story and have the characters, plots, jokes and so on feel for the reader like they're coming from the same mindset and place. And this, I think, it why it felt so tiring and draining for a 13K thing; it was an onslaught of stuff and bits happening that just keep happening without a point or purpose strong enough to carry it, to the point that after a while, it got boring. Not helped by a lot of it being walking and talking between setpieces.
More than that, I asked myself, what is the fic really about? Even now, I can't pinpoint much of any concrete point/takeaway or connective tissue, thematic or otherwise. Ponies standing up for themselves? Different ways of fighting crime? It turns the boat so many times I that I can't remember a whit by now. Loopholes to get around laws when no one really cares, that's about it. Rainbow Dash and Carrot had a character relationship I never emotionally "felt" (and Carrot as the protagonist and adopted by bat ponies… never got that, beyond sharing a character name with the source material, and that only explains the former), and if it was meant to be an "looking in from the outside" sort of perspective thing, there was no real benefit to it. Many characters had side bits that just kind of happened, from the typical "Best Friends!" bit of Lyra/Bon Bon to the drunk-on-canon-meta Starlight scene, and especially the Fluttershy/Pinkie misdirection early on that was the one time I knew was a specific callback to the source novel I wasn't getting, but even so, had virtually nothing to do with the rest of the fic once its red herring usage was done.
The last point, and one I actually find to be an objective takeaway, was the decision to have this be a precursor to the show's Equestria as opposed to being a full on AU or "Discworld, but with ponies". Once it sunk in that this was the choice you'd made, I found myself wondering how this was going to be made sense of. And… well, it wasn't. The various nods to future show events and such never felt of the same universe, let along the same timeline, as what we were seeing of this Ponyville here. The tonal whiplash from the two universes, the level of cynicism and detachment here relative to the ponies we know, was way too much, in essence. It could have survived perfectly fine had the fic not insisted on fusing the two and stating over and over that they were the same. And it had the net effect of making the final chapter just a checklist to setup a state that will lead to Ponyville at the start of the show. I never once bought this, and unlike the other points, this fact stayed with me: I just didn't raise it in the review because it probably counted as a spoiler.
The above's not a review, and likely comes across more negatively than intended because it's just the detriments. Any positive element mentioned in the original review not given further clarity or context here does still stand, and for all a lot of the comic bits didn't work, I just convinced myself they did, many others did – the loan shark bit, Zecora, Dobby until he got overused. The technical and stylistic flourish remains impeachable; it's just that missing spark to make a lot of it click that sank the reading experience. Well, not sank – had I been more clear-headed and added these details from the start, the review would have still been a Passable, there's too much works and effect and success in other areas for it to not get a passing grade.
I'm sure the next story of yours I read, free from this well-intended-but-falling-shy-in-the-crucial-few-percent Pratchett impression, will score high if the same technical execution remains present and accounted for. Amazingly, I've only read two stories of yours prior to this, which shocked me (they're Hearth Swarming Eve and If You Can't Beat 'Em, in my pre-rating days, meaning before May 2021, and I remember not a thing about them). Since you did largely write short fics, shouldn't be too long before another appears here.
To weight in one the other discussion here: in a broader sense, I do tend to prefer fics be faster-paced than slower paced when given the choice, though my default is that any fic has the pace and level of incident that best suits it. Very unaccountable statement, I know. But I can read and enjoy a slow burn fic when the slow parts are controlled and only being as slow as they need to be. I can go gung-ho for a mile-a-minute comedy when the jokes land and serve a purpose (many of Aragon's works). And related to that is how much incident a given scene or indeed the whole story should have, which people often confuse with pacing or even plot/story. An action scene playing out for a couple more blasts of magical energy between two combatants doesn't change the story or plot, for instance.
I'll have to see if this usual density of trying to make most of every part of the fic carry the weight of multiple points or threads pays off in other fics of yours.
And your side point on your inability to have gotten anywhere near the top 100 rated stories on the site (:waves from barely cracking the top 37,000:
), while maybe carrying some truth (I noted a few blogs back that newer author Lets Do This getting several fics in there had to do with them being safe, easy-yet-guaranteed-to-please character bonding pieces that struck a chord with people), is probably overplaying it; all it takes is a few extra dislikes or lack of consistent traffic after the initial publication viewing surge to send one tumbling. Though any story with a potentially divisible element likely won't chart super high when it otherwise might, I'll spot you there.
A retired Ponyfic writer, eh? Nothing wrong with that. I'm sure you've got other fish to fry after all these years anyway.
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So things exploded in my life a little bit (part of it involves bedbugs), and I'm not going to really be able to continue the conversation, but I do appreciate you digging further toward your unfiltered experiences.
I think you're probably onto something with the idea that the story was taking merely a lot of Pratchett's surface gloss without the connective tissue, though I'd disagree why. The trend that seems to be developing is that the people who have reacted most strongly positively to it have been people who picked out the story's various specific Pratchett references with equal ease to the pony references. The specific telltale here for me is my "Partician" headfake whiffing, which was cited by name as one of the moments that made the story for the contest judges. If you're used to Pterry's writing style, but you haven't read the specific Discworld books which included the City Guard, your reaction to the character makes sense -- but within the Guard series and much of the otherAnkh-Morpork material, "The Patrician" (Lord Vetinari) is about as central as Princess Celestia is to pony. I'm using some specific connective tissue by invoking the Patrician and signposting that I'm subverting the character (Machiavellian, immensely intellectual, but fundamentally working for the good of the city) in a specific way, and the joke is that I pull the rug out from underneath my own subversion. But the joke kind of requires the setup of knowing that I've subverted the character in the first place -- which turns the Fluttershy reveal from double take into triple take, after I've gone to some effort to sell the original subversion.
Basically, I think my story is a pastiche of Guards! Guards! in specific, rather than Pterry in general; and while I do have some of the surface gloss down, it's fundamentally structured as a pastiche of that story, and a lot of the fun comes from seeing how I'm subverting the specific major characters and structure of that story. Some of the jokes still stand up without any knowledge of the source, I think -- such as the City Watch's job being to merely watch for crime rather than do anything about it -- but your complaint about missing connective tissue suggests others don't.
Similarly, this is fundamentally a pastiche of MLP, in the sense that it's subverting/deconstructing MLP in the same way. You're not the only one to dislike wrapping it up toward canon in the epilogue, but I think you and the people who are reacting badly to it might be reading too much into my linkage. This was always about creating some ridiculous mash-up that steered its own path between the two sources. I tried to make that most clear in the jokes riffing directly off the source material, such as:
You might have caught only half the joke there: she's simultaneously describing both the backstory of Twilight hatching Spike, and the plot of Guards! Guards!.
Similarly, the core joke of Bongua's character is that her character is based on
A) Angua, a female Guardsman who has a major character arc in which it's revealed she's a werewolf; and
B) Bon Bon, who memetically had multiple switches in voice actresses and sounded different in basically all of her early season appearances.
So it's not that the connective tissue there is missing, it just requires specific knowledge of both crossovers, so it's unconnected for people with just general Pterry exposure.
Which is legitimate to ding it for! I did try to make it still work without context, and in some respects it did, but it doesn't fully land.
Anyway, hope that helps with some additional context, and I do appreciate your additional thoughts