That Soarin' is rather conveniently out of character to show off Geoff's badassitude, since NOTHING in the show so much as hints at that. Also, wimpy!Dash?
Yeah, not gonna fly, buddy. This chapter flat out sucks balls. One more of these, and count on having one less favorite and one more downvote.
Look at it this way: 90% of what the show shows is that he likes apple pie. Any other information is purely speculation, and we literally know nothing about his personality. I switched it up because every time Soarin is shown in other fics, he's a good guy with little to no faults. If you don't like it, that's fine.
2572737 Oh no, the writer put a new twist on some characters, ohhhh no whatever shall we do, somebody save us from this menace!
I like how you're threatening to dislike and unfavourite his story, as though you'll be taking away part of his salary in doing so. Yes, I'm sure he'll be twisting and turning in his bed at night, desperately thinking of ways to make bring you back! That's just a whole new level of sadness.
Alright, I concede: I wrote that at a bad time. Let's talk with cool jets this time.
2572847 Even so, ignoring the easy way out that your bill of Ron The Death Eater was, there were two Ass Pulls that do leave a bad taste on my mouth: 1. That Soarin's this much of a bastard in public, despite his rank. I frankly don't see that happening, bud. Even if that was his actual personality, he wouldn't want to give the 'Bolts a bad name. 2. That he can actually be so depraved in a world that, until now, was almost 100% show-accurate, that he lets his dick hang out. "So shocking it's hard to gulp down" is putting it mildly. And that doesn't address the wimpification of Rainbow Dash, the brashest bitch this side of Equestria. That was just plain terrible.
All that, combined, gives us a more than perfect set up for your human OC to be the hero of the day while showing his awsum battul skillz at the same time. All of it gives me the air of you having a bigger boner for Geoff than S. D. Perry has for Rebecca Chambers, and wanting us to absorb how exceptional he is. You know what that is called? Marty Stu-fication.
2572921 A new twist is one thing. Character derailment is another entirely, brah.
And thanks for telling me a reader can't voice his or her displeasure, and only compliments count. I'll remember that for the next time I see you whining at a fanfic's comment section.
2573043 To your first point: if he's going to be a dick, he's going to be a dick. When you have someone with an over-inflated ego, they aren't doing anything wrong. ever. Take Blueblood, for example. He's a dick to rarity in front of the entire cadre of canterlot elite, and he doesn't give two shits.
For your second, it's a male reaction. He's turned on, he pops a boner, whoop de doo. I'm not saying it happens all the time, or even that it happens rarely, but it's a real issue if you're not going to wear clothing to cover yourself that people will see your junk if it's out there. Give it time, and I'm sure you'll see the reason, and it's not that he's 'lacking' sexual activity.
All in all, I don't really mind the criticism, and I know that it's not a concept that everyone will like and accept. That's fine. But if you really can't stomach the idea of a guy seeming nice at first, then turning out to be an asshole. . . well, it happens all the time in the real world.
I also fail to see how this is an ass pull, since it is the fourth chapter. . . out of what I expect to be 30-50. But again, it's your opinion, so more power to you.
2573078 I like how you took what I said and twisted it into me saying you can't criticize. You're trying a little too hard to be self pitying. Of course, your threats to do the unthinkable and unlike and unfavorite already points to that.
2573091 For one: Blueblood wasn't even an asshole to Rarity: he was a spoiled brat, a goyt that we here on my land call folgado. I never saw him being outright insulting to Rarity or anything that would warrant really harsh criticism, and I've watched The Best Night Ever three times this year. Even if he had been, high society doesn't have anything close to the strict moral code of the military - far from it. So yeah, that specific point is refused.
For two: okay, let's roll with that. I'm just gonna assume stiffies aren't taboo in Equestria and keep on going.
But you're missing the point. The bone I really have to pick is how it's Geoff that goes to save the day when all the characters that had even more of a reason to knock Soarin out of orbit (don't go telling me that witnessing rape counts more than being a much more old friend of Dash's like Twilight an Applejack are) take a step back just for him to shine. And that's not touching on the point that you ignored twice already: Dash being wimpified. Soarn may technically not be OoC, but Dash sure as rain in the wet season is. The mare that charged at Discord and chewed Spitfire out wouldn't take it up the ass like you wrote her off as; she'd be the one beating the asshat hours before Geoff could even step in.
EDIT: Love how I got a downvote for zero reason ten seconds after I posted this comment.
2573150 So let's look at dash's reaction. Which the story hasn't even touched yet since the chapter ends at the end of that situation. Maybe she was intimidated by someone she idolized for so long. Maybe he was an abusive ex and she's got some scarring from that. There's a lot more to the characters than the 2D variety of "Dash is kick flank/headstrong and nothing can keep her down".
In the sonic rainboom episode, we see a clear image of her loosing her confidence to the point of her simpering in a corner, afraid to essentially show off.
Second: Yeah, her friends did have more of a reason to step in and do something. But, as many fics and the show have brushed over, they're much more lenient when it comes to confrontation, bordering sometimes on pacifism. Geoff has no excuse to sit on the sidelines other than "I don't know all the details" and when there's someone clearly in trouble that needs help, well, any upstanding person would step in to help.
2573177 Your reasonings make sense, but there's one fatal flaw for them story-wise: there's no in-story build up whatsoever. THAT is why it all sounds like an ass pull, dude, because it all comes out of left field for convenience of the author. You can justify and defend and discuss all you like, doing these swerves without build-up is not something you do, for the aforementioned reasons. It's the exact same reason Twilicorn was and still is so harshly rejected by a good deal of the fandom. it's the reason why Masashi Kishimoto has zero credit as a writer. Because everything sounds too convenient.
In writing, you have to give clues. You have to forebode. You have to feed your readers bread crumbs. Slapping them in the face with something as unexpected as this is bound to leave many unsatisfied.
EDIT: Waiting for the gratuitous downvote. Come on, anonymous fanboy, do it. EDIT 2 : Yay, there it is!
2573177 And besides, I never said there Dash couldn't be submissive to Soarin'. She can if it's written well enough - I myself can easily see her bowing to a more intelligent guy that makes her seriously doubt her own intelligence, since she's not the brightest crayon of the box.
Refer to the other comment for why I don't like it as is.
2573214 There's these things in life that people refer to as 'curve balls'. In a first person story, like this one, there are some things that the main character doesn't have any clues to. He's not omnipotent, and I'm sure that if I put "Scratching my chin, I had the strangest feeling that Rainbow Dash was going to get into trouble today." you would be even more pissed at that. Maybe I could have thrown in a brief passing by soarin moment where he makes some comment or brushes off Geoff, being a dick before that whole situation, but it's just not something that would make it more believable.
Foreshadowing has a place, but a personal encounter in an isolated location like a side street in a town isn't something that I can allude to without it seeming more than just convenient.
I won't argue it any more, it is the way it is and I will respect your dislike of it, even if I disagree.
Maybe I could have thrown in a brief passing by soarin moment where he makes some comment or brushes off Geoff, being a dick before that whole situation, but it's just not something that would make it more believable.
Let me respectfully disagree: that's exactly where you get it wrong. While it might not matter for Geoff, that glimpse would actually make the situation a lot more plausible for the reader. Because the reader is not Geoff: the reader has a few expectations about things, and proving us wrong about your Soarin' subtly like that would make interest grow as to why. His "establishing character moment" is so harsh it's over-the-top, and crosses the line twice: instead of being aggravating because of the character, it's aggravating because of the presentation.
Keep in mind, I'm criticizing this because I like SCAR. Don't be fooled by false impressions and possible mis-wordings: I like this story. If I didn't, I'd have unfaved it the moment I read this (in my view, trainwreck of a) chapter, which isn't something I did - I said I'd do it the next time. I held on to my word.
EDIT: Come on, fanboy... I know you want to do it. Just do it!
I'm liking this story, it's obvious Geoff has gone through traumatic experiences so it explains how aggressive he can be. Looking forward to seeing where this story goes, keep up the good work.
He gulped hard, before nodding frantically. I spun around, using my arm to throw him to the dirt and shifting my knife to my right hand while dropping into a low, aggressive stance.
"Now y'see the problem is that he doesn't have a bigger knife. " "Are you being serious right now!?" "Hey! A knife is a knife mate."
Gah! I'm not going to hate this, as much as I do find it annoying, I'm still going to continue following this story.
Now... I really don't like this chapter, it just seems to break the flow of everything. I'm trying to think of a way of phrasing this without coming across as hate but.... Did we REALLY need a twist like this to come in at this point in the story? Was the development flow of Geoff so uninteresting that you had to pull this out of nowhere? Not to mention having to do it to Soarin.
If I was in Rainbow Dash's position, I would NOT want to join the Wonderbolts anymore if it meant putting up with someone like that. And - assuming the rest of the mane six know about this - I would not want Rainbow Dash to join the Wonderbolts if I were in any one of her friends positions. This honestly just screams to me that you have already crushed Rainbow's dreams of being a Wonderbolt.
So it's either that Soarin is actually not as much of an ass as this chapter seems to imply or that Rainbow had already had her childhood dreams crushed before this story had even begun. If it's the former, explanations must be had! And if it's the latter, pulling it out like this just ruins the pacing of the story so much.
2572737 Who says that their true character is how we portray them at all. After all think of think multi-verse theory and eventually out their you will find a talkative Big Mac
I was leaned back against the dividing wall, next to the entrance to the living room. Shaking off my musings, I crept back upstairs and retrieved my second IPod and speakers. I noted that the battery was still at about 80%, which was strange. Usually, a full charge only lasted a few days, but the last time I'd charged this one was about a week ago. I chalked it up to being in a different world where IPod batteries actually worked as a viable power supply.
The sugar in it immediately made me vomit, which sucked. What sucked more was that after all that was done, I still had frosting in my teeth. I grabbed my mouth, nearly falling over as pain erupted from several cavities lining my jaw. I could hear Twilight and Applejack scolding Pinkie, who sat there with tears in her eyes.
Did he EVER BRUSH???
Because that guy gets off too easy as far as assholes go.
when was he shown to be a prick? canon i mean, in the show.
That Soarin' is rather conveniently out of character to show off Geoff's badassitude, since NOTHING in the show so much as hints at that. Also, wimpy!Dash?
Yeah, not gonna fly, buddy. This chapter flat out sucks balls.
One more of these, and count on having one less favorite and one more downvote.
Aw yeah, now it's the time to engage the suspicion and tension and distrust!
2572737
Sorry you feel that way?
Look at it this way: 90% of what the show shows is that he likes apple pie. Any other information is purely speculation, and we literally know nothing about his personality. I switched it up because every time Soarin is shown in other fics, he's a good guy with little to no faults. If you don't like it, that's fine.
2572737 Oh no, the writer put a new twist on some characters, ohhhh no whatever shall we do, somebody save us from this menace!
I like how you're threatening to dislike and unfavourite his story, as though you'll be taking away part of his salary in doing so. Yes, I'm sure he'll be twisting and turning in his bed at night, desperately thinking of ways to make bring you back! That's just a whole new level of sadness.
2572847 Well said.
Alright, I concede: I wrote that at a bad time. Let's talk with cool jets this time.
2572847 Even so, ignoring the easy way out that your bill of Ron The Death Eater was, there were two Ass Pulls that do leave a bad taste on my mouth:
1. That Soarin's this much of a bastard in public, despite his rank. I frankly don't see that happening, bud. Even if that was his actual personality, he wouldn't want to give the 'Bolts a bad name.
2. That he can actually be so depraved in a world that, until now, was almost 100% show-accurate, that he lets his dick hang out. "So shocking it's hard to gulp down" is putting it mildly.
And that doesn't address the wimpification of Rainbow Dash, the brashest bitch this side of Equestria. That was just plain terrible.
All that, combined, gives us a more than perfect set up for your human OC to be the hero of the day while showing his awsum battul skillz at the same time. All of it gives me the air of you having a bigger boner for Geoff than S. D. Perry has for Rebecca Chambers, and wanting us to absorb how exceptional he is. You know what that is called? Marty Stu-fication.
2572921 A new twist is one thing. Character derailment is another entirely, brah.
And thanks for telling me a reader can't voice his or her displeasure, and only compliments count. I'll remember that for the next time I see you whining at a fanfic's comment section.
2573043
To your first point: if he's going to be a dick, he's going to be a dick. When you have someone with an over-inflated ego, they aren't doing anything wrong. ever. Take Blueblood, for example. He's a dick to rarity in front of the entire cadre of canterlot elite, and he doesn't give two shits.
For your second, it's a male reaction. He's turned on, he pops a boner, whoop de doo. I'm not saying it happens all the time, or even that it happens rarely, but it's a real issue if you're not going to wear clothing to cover yourself that people will see your junk if it's out there. Give it time, and I'm sure you'll see the reason, and it's not that he's 'lacking' sexual activity.
All in all, I don't really mind the criticism, and I know that it's not a concept that everyone will like and accept. That's fine. But if you really can't stomach the idea of a guy seeming nice at first, then turning out to be an asshole. . . well, it happens all the time in the real world.
I also fail to see how this is an ass pull, since it is the fourth chapter. . . out of what I expect to be 30-50. But again, it's your opinion, so more power to you.
2573078 I like how you took what I said and twisted it into me saying you can't criticize. You're trying a little too hard to be self pitying. Of course, your threats to do the unthinkable and unlike and unfavorite already points to that.
2573091 For one: Blueblood wasn't even an asshole to Rarity: he was a spoiled brat, a goyt that we here on my land call folgado. I never saw him being outright insulting to Rarity or anything that would warrant really harsh criticism, and I've watched The Best Night Ever three times this year. Even if he had been, high society doesn't have anything close to the strict moral code of the military - far from it.
So yeah, that specific point is refused.
For two: okay, let's roll with that. I'm just gonna assume stiffies aren't taboo in Equestria and keep on going.
But you're missing the point. The bone I really have to pick is how it's Geoff that goes to save the day when all the characters that had even more of a reason to knock Soarin out of orbit (don't go telling me that witnessing rape counts more than being a much more old friend of Dash's like Twilight an Applejack are) take a step back just for him to shine.
And that's not touching on the point that you ignored twice already: Dash being wimpified. Soarn may technically not be OoC, but Dash sure as rain in the wet season is. The mare that charged at Discord and chewed Spitfire out wouldn't take it up the ass like you wrote her off as; she'd be the one beating the asshat hours before Geoff could even step in.
EDIT: Love how I got a downvote for zero reason ten seconds after I posted this comment.
2573150
So let's look at dash's reaction. Which the story hasn't even touched yet since the chapter ends at the end of that situation. Maybe she was intimidated by someone she idolized for so long. Maybe he was an abusive ex and she's got some scarring from that. There's a lot more to the characters than the 2D variety of "Dash is kick flank/headstrong and nothing can keep her down".
In the sonic rainboom episode, we see a clear image of her loosing her confidence to the point of her simpering in a corner, afraid to essentially show off.
Second: Yeah, her friends did have more of a reason to step in and do something. But, as many fics and the show have brushed over, they're much more lenient when it comes to confrontation, bordering sometimes on pacifism. Geoff has no excuse to sit on the sidelines other than "I don't know all the details" and when there's someone clearly in trouble that needs help, well, any upstanding person would step in to help.
2573177 Your reasonings make sense, but there's one fatal flaw for them story-wise: there's no in-story build up whatsoever. THAT is why it all sounds like an ass pull, dude, because it all comes out of left field for convenience of the author. You can justify and defend and discuss all you like, doing these swerves without build-up is not something you do, for the aforementioned reasons.
It's the exact same reason Twilicorn was and still is so harshly rejected by a good deal of the fandom. it's the reason why Masashi Kishimoto has zero credit as a writer. Because everything sounds too convenient.
In writing, you have to give clues. You have to forebode. You have to feed your readers bread crumbs. Slapping them in the face with something as unexpected as this is bound to leave many unsatisfied.
EDIT: Waiting for the gratuitous downvote. Come on, anonymous fanboy, do it.
EDIT 2 : Yay, there it is!
2573177 And besides, I never said there Dash couldn't be submissive to Soarin'. She can if it's written well enough - I myself can easily see her bowing to a more intelligent guy that makes her seriously doubt her own intelligence, since she's not the brightest crayon of the box.
Refer to the other comment for why I don't like it as is.
2573214
There's these things in life that people refer to as 'curve balls'.
In a first person story, like this one, there are some things that the main character doesn't have any clues to. He's not omnipotent, and I'm sure that if I put "Scratching my chin, I had the strangest feeling that Rainbow Dash was going to get into trouble today." you would be even more pissed at that. Maybe I could have thrown in a brief passing by soarin moment where he makes some comment or brushes off Geoff, being a dick before that whole situation, but it's just not something that would make it more believable.
Foreshadowing has a place, but a personal encounter in an isolated location like a side street in a town isn't something that I can allude to without it seeming more than just convenient.
I won't argue it any more, it is the way it is and I will respect your dislike of it, even if I disagree.
2573244
Let me respectfully disagree: that's exactly where you get it wrong. While it might not matter for Geoff, that glimpse would actually make the situation a lot more plausible for the reader. Because the reader is not Geoff: the reader has a few expectations about things, and proving us wrong about your Soarin' subtly like that would make interest grow as to why. His "establishing character moment" is so harsh it's over-the-top, and crosses the line twice: instead of being aggravating because of the character, it's aggravating because of the presentation.
Keep in mind, I'm criticizing this because I like SCAR. Don't be fooled by false impressions and possible mis-wordings: I like this story. If I didn't, I'd have unfaved it the moment I read this (in my view, trainwreck of a) chapter, which isn't something I did - I said I'd do it the next time. I held on to my word.
EDIT: Come on, fanboy... I know you want to do it. Just do it!
Do you mean: I knew that I'd seen it somewhere before.
I'm liking this story, it's obvious Geoff has gone through traumatic experiences so it explains how aggressive he can be. Looking forward to seeing where this story goes, keep up the good work.
"Now y'see the problem is that he doesn't have a bigger knife. "
"Are you being serious right now!?"
"Hey! A knife is a knife mate."
So this was where you were when you weren't playing breaking point... Good man
Gah! I'm not going to hate this, as much as I do find it annoying, I'm still going to continue following this story.
Now... I really don't like this chapter, it just seems to break the flow of everything.
I'm trying to think of a way of phrasing this without coming across as hate but....
Did we REALLY need a twist like this to come in at this point in the story? Was the development
flow of Geoff so uninteresting that you had to pull this out of nowhere? Not to mention having to do
it to Soarin.
If I was in Rainbow Dash's position, I would NOT want to join the Wonderbolts anymore if it meant putting
up with someone like that. And - assuming the rest of the mane six know about this - I would not want Rainbow
Dash to join the Wonderbolts if I were in any one of her friends positions. This honestly just screams to me that
you have already crushed Rainbow's dreams of being a Wonderbolt.
So it's either that Soarin is actually not as much of an ass as this chapter seems to imply or that Rainbow had already
had her childhood dreams crushed before this story had even begun. If it's the former, explanations must be had!
And if it's the latter, pulling it out like this just ruins the pacing of the story so much.
Badass Geoff is the best Geoff
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2011/210/a/1/zombie_survivor___move_out_by_x_montsegur_x-d420jx0.jpg
USE THIS!
sooo... this is awesome, please stop destroying us with the long wait
and do so for that jack fellow too. he seems to like being a picky nuisance
2572737 Well who pissed in your coffee?
2572737
Who says that their true character is how we portray them at all. After all think of think multi-verse theory and eventually out their you will find a talkative Big Mac
When you help an asshole all you get back is shit
It doesn't work that way😂😂😂😂
Did he EVER BRUSH???
when was he shown to be a prick? canon i mean, in the show.