A Friend in Mead
Three pony tribes each alike in dignity
In fair Equestria where we lay our scene
From ancient grudge rise to new amity
Yet quarrels remain and trust is unseen
From forth the brains of these old foes
A merry game of pin the tail takes life
Whose mispinned posterior overthrows
Do with laughter bury their leaders' strife
The continuing passage of their hard won love
Towards a final equine artistic glory
A sign of friendship from earth to clouds above
Is the final chapter of my story
But first a tale of puddings and mead
And this I hope you will take time to read
The Earth Pony Chancellery was a three storey building near the centre of the village, on a street which had become known as Pudding Lane. Most of the village houses were built with wattle and daub walls and thatched roofs. However following an unfortunate incident involving an overheating oven and blocked chimney, the original timber framed chancellery had been rebuild in stone, and topped with a tiled roof. In addition to its administrative functions, the building contained a large banqueting hall, for the Pudding parties; extensive cellars to store the produce of the pony farms; and the kitchens. The entire ground floor was set aside for preparing food. Here wood burning ovens were kept hot for baking bread, cakes and puddings; long tables were set aside for preparing fruit and vegetables; and large presses and vats were used for cider making.
Chancellor Plum Duff Puddinghead, elected leader of the Earth Pony tribe, made it part of her weekly schedule to spend Tuesday mornings in the kitchens inventing new puddings, cakes, pastries and other sweet desserts. In preparation for this, the kitchen ponies spend Monday afternoon grinding wheat, boiling sugar beet and preparing any other ingredients which the head chef required. They were then too exhausted the following morning to interfere with anything she did. She summoned her secretary to write down the recipe.
Smart Cookie started work two hours before dawn, in order to have time to manage the Chancellery affairs before dealing with Puddinghead’s daily whims. That morning she had audited the accounts of the outlying farms; agreed the week’s weather schedule with the Pegasi; and completed a stock check in the cellars. She arrived at the kitchens and noted from the chancellor's blackened hooves and face, that there had just been a think-outside-the-box brainstorming session.
“Okay Cookie. Today we are going to bake a Puddinghead Super Special Honey Almond Cherry Pine Nut and Apple Upside-down Cake! Pay attention and take down all the details.”
She picked up a large tin pudding dish. “What is the first thing we do when baking cakes?”
“We wash our hooves,” said Cookie.
Puddinghead paused and replaced the pudding dish on the table. “Yes, the first thing we do when baking cakes is to wash our hooves,” she said and walked over to a sink to splash some water on each hoof.
“With soap,” added Cookie.
With sanitized hooves, the chancellor returned to the table and picked up the dish. “The second thing we do when baking cakes – after we have washed our hooves – is to grease the pudding tin.” She smeared butter over the metal surface.
“Next,” she continued, “mix up five cups of flour, two plates of almonds, three bowls of pine nuts, a dish of butter, half a slug of sugar, two dozen eggs, two jugs of honey, a hoof-full of cherries and a few apples. Mix it all together, put it in the tin, sprinkle on some extra flour, and we'll bake it for an hour. You got all that Cookie?”
“Perfectly your Chancellorness.”
As she worked, Puddinghead made up a song:
All you have to do is take a jug of honey
Pour it in the tin
Now just take a little something sweet and runny
Mix in all well in
With some sugar and spice, and give it a spin
Add a teaspoon of vanilla
Add a little more, and invert it on the floor
And you never get your fill of...
Upside-down cakes! So sweet and tasty!
Upside-down cakes! Don't be too hasty!
Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes! Upside-down cakes!
She triumphantly finished the song by throwing the pudding dish in the oven, slamming the cast iron door, and falling back onto a sack of flour, which promptly burst, filling the room with white powder.
“A good song,” she said to herself.
“It has got a good tune,” said Smart Cookie, as she swept up the flour, “but I think you need to change some of the words. Some of ‘em don't quite fit.”
While Cookie cleaned up the kitchen, Puddinghead stared impatiently at an hourglass timer until the last grain of sand fell. Then she ran to the oven, removed the dish, and triumphantly turned it upside-down over the table. A sticky mixture of cake, fruit, nuts and honey fell out, piled up on the surface, and dribbled onto the floor. The chancellor stuck a hoof into the mixture and licked it.
“Not bad,” she concluded, “but I'll have to work on this one. It didn't stay together as it should have. Maybe they didn’t prepare the ingredients properly.”
She wiped her hoof on a cloth and looked at her secretary. “Okay Smart Cookie, what's for lunch?”
“Shall we go to the Griffin and Foal?”
In the tavern, the chancellor thrust her snout into a bowl of beans, carrot and lettuce salad, while Smart Cookie read out details of her earlier inventory of the chancellery cellars.
“We have plentiful stocks of oats, grain, celery, pumpkin, carrots, onions, and most other vegetables...”
“Awesome!” said Puddinghead, without looking up from eating.
“Sufficient reserves of sugar, cherries, blackcurrant jam, redcurrant jelly, raspberry syrup...”
“Sweet!”
“We have enough cider to last another two months, and once we've pressed some more apples, it’ll see us through the winter...”
“Press on!”
“We’re down to the last few barrels of mead...”
“What!” The chancellor’s head shot up and she stared at Smart Cookie with a terrified face, covered in salad dressing and bits of lettuce.
“But that should last a few more months...”
“It takes at least a few months to properly age. Make some more immediately!”
“There's a problem...”
“What problem? Mead is easy to make, you just mix water and honey...”
“That's the problem. You’ve used up all the honey in your baking experiments.”
For a moment Puddinghead was shocked silent. She pondered the political consequences of this turn of events. Then she banged a hoof on the table decisively.
“We must find some more. Immediately! I will personally oversee the search.”
“That might not be so easy, but I'm sure if we...”
“Cookie,” interrupted the chancellor, “as you are just my secretary, you don't understand these things. But as I am Chancellor I can tell the difference between the problems that are just a minor inconvenience, and will be sorted out by my minions in due course, and the things that are really important and demand my immediate attention as leader. And it is of vital importance for security of the Earth Pony tribe and the stability of Equestria that we get some more honey! This afternoon!”
She picked up her bowl, licked up the remaining beans and lettuce, and put it back on the table.
“What's for dessert?” she asked.
After finishing lunch, Chancellor Puddinghead put on her outdoor coat and boots, and led Smart Cookie, accompanied by Fig Roll and Spotted Dick into the forest on an expedition in search of honey. On her head she balanced a large earthenware jar, in which she planned to collect the honey. As they walked into the forest, she sang one of her election campaign songs:
My name is Puddinghead (Hello!)
The top earth pony mare (I'm the best!)
You're gonna want to vote me in as pony premier
No matter what your hue (Hi there!)
Or political view (I'm the mare!)
'Cause sweetening up ponies is what Pudding's here to do
'Cause I make the greatest mead, mead, mead
Yes I do
That sweetness on your tongue is what you need
Yes it is
So collect your complementary mead, mead, mead
Welcome to the Pudding Club
Take a water and honey mix (Free mead!)
And leave it to mature (I'll lead!)
It makes a beverage so fine you'll all love it I'm sure (Vote Pud!)
But if you'd like some more (You should!)
Then you will have to choose
Pudding as your leader and what have you got to lose?
Remember how it tastes so sweet, sweet, sweet
Yes it does
So get up on the hustings make it fleet
Cheer for Puddinghead it's sweet, sweet, sweet
And I'll fill you with good mead
Come on everypony...
“Halt!” She stopped abruptly in mid song and pointed a hoof in the air. Looking upwards, on a dead branch at the very top of a tall oak tree, they saw a large bees' nest.
“Honey!” cried the expedition leader.
“That ain't very accessible,” commented Smart Cookie.
“We must get it,” proclaimed the leader. She looked at her three subordinates. “A volunteer to climb the tree and get the honey!”
Nopony volunteered.
“Err... Chancellor,” said Cookie, “ponies don't climb trees.”
The chancellor looked at Spotted Dick and Fig Roll but they just shook their heads.
“Okay,” she said, “we'll just have to buck it out!”
She backed up to the tree and gave the trunk a mighty Aunt-Sally-winning kick. A few leaves fell out of the lower branches. “Do I have to do everything myself, lend a hoof!”
The four ponies repeatedly bucked the base of the tree. This caused a slight vibration in the upper reaches, and after a short while a few bees buzzed down to see what the fuss was about, and then went home to tell the hive not to worry – just a bunch of crazy ponies doing gymnastics.
“We ain't getting anywhere this way,” said Cookie, “this tree is a mite bigger than our apples. Maybe we should ask a pegasus to fly up there, or a unicorn...”
“Time for Plan Bee,” cried Puddinghead, “I'm going to find a pegasus to fly up there; or a unicorn to do some magic. You stay here and guard the tree!” She galloped off along the forest track.
As the pegasi were out of reach in the clouds, the chancellor decided to ask the unicorns first. She cantered up to the castle gatehouse and hammered on the door with the ornamental knocker. The door was soon opened by Princess Platinum herself.
“Good afternoon Chancellor. To what do I owe the pleasure?”
The earth pony stretched her forehooves forwards bending down to the ground while looking up into the unicorn's face. “Your Highness,” she began, “we have mead of your assistance in a sticky situation. A delicate matter of great importance.”
“One is always ready to help our Equestrian allies, but for what cause?”
The chancellor looked first to the left and right to check nopony was spying, then reached up the unicorn's height and whispered in her ear, “Honey!”
The princess gave a small sigh. “Very well." She turned her head and called into the castle interior, “Clover the Clever, would you accompany me please?”
As they walked into the forest, Puddinghead explained the full importance of the mission to the fellow tribal warden.
“Mead is the essential spirit to ensure cooperation and friendship among ponies. It's the butter that greases the hooves of the pony proletariat and oils the machinery of intertribal diplomacy. It is the indispensable Element of Harmony. If our mead supply were to run dry then all of Equestria would fall into eternal chaos. There would be riots, rebellion, revolution! Shall I sing a song about it?”
“One would hate for that to happen.”
After they had arrived at the tree and surveyed the situation, the princess turned to the young scholar. “Well Clover the Clever, can you seize the nest with your magic and bring it down to our earth pony friends?”
Clover cast a trial spell around the bees’ nest, which caused the branch to sway a little. “I don't think that's going to work Your Highness. It seems to be well attached. I need to take a closer look.”
“Well can you apparate up there and inspect it?”
“I'd rather not, I don't much like heights. But there's another way.”
She cast another spell, and all the ponies were thrown to the ground as the oak tree uprooted itself, flew into the air, turned upside-down, and descended to the ground slowly, coming to rest in mid-air, with the dead branch and the bees' nest hovering in front of Clover. Small twigs, leaves, and lumps of mud rained down onto the ponies.
Clover inspected the nest. “Apis mellifera,” she said, “as I thought, they built the bulk of the nest inside the hollow branch. Very sensible – they wouldn't want it to fall off in the wind. Amazing honeycomb structure – it’s a perfect array of regular hexagons.”
“Don't bug us with a lecture on insect architecture. Let’s just get the honey!” cried Puddinghead. She positioned her jar underneath the nest, then reached up with her fore hooves and vigorously shook it.
This failed to produce any honey. Instead a swarm of bees flew out of the nest and buzzed around the group of ponies for a while before settling on Clover's head and body, completely covering her purple coat. “Aargh!” she cried, shaking her head back and forth. As her concentration faltered, the tree swayed in the air, sending further mud, twigs and an old bird's nest falling to the ground.
“Watch out Clover! You could hurt someone,” cried Cookie.
“Okay, okay, I'll put it back!”
The tree righted and replanted itself, and the bees left Clover. She collapsed on the ground exhausted. “Why did they all settle on me?” she cried.
“They must think that you're a lavender bush,” said Puddinghead.
“She just means that you look and smell very nice,” said Cookie, comforting her friend.
“Look – we have some pegasistance!” Puddinghead waved a hoof in the air, and Commander Hurricane flew down and landed by the group, accompanied by Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus. They were dressed in full armour, and carrying weapons.
“What's with the tree suddenly flying up into the air?” she asked.
“The chancellor is desperate to recover some honey from the nest at the top of the tree,” Princess Platinum explained. “We were trying to assist her.”
Hurricane pointed a hoof at Clover, who was still lying on the ground with her eyes shut. “Is she alright?”
“Just a temporary attack of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. She'll be fine,” said Puddinghead.
The commander looked up at the bees’ nest. “So you want to carry out a honey raid huh?” she said. “Leave this to the professionals!”
She turned to face Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus. “Okay troops, the enemy is in sight. Pila at the ready. We'll spear the nest and bring it to the ground! Ipso facto et ungula militari.” she gripped a spear between two hooves and turned to face the nest.
“Bee careful,” joked Puddinghead.
“Charge!” cried the commander. She flew up at full speed directly at the nest. Her blade cut straight through the outer beeswax layers and embedded itself in the wood. The spear impact threw her head over hooves, and conservation of momentum carried her spinning body forwards until she collided with a cloud. Nimbostratus and Cirrocumulus flew to help her.
“Are you alright Commander?”
“Perfectly,” replied Hurricane. She flew back to the nest to find her spear had cut into an empty honeycomb. She placed her hooves on the branch and tugged at the spear until it came loose sending her into a backwards spin into another tree. “Okay,” she said, gritting her teeth and tightening the grip on her weapon, “let's do this the hard way.”
She flew back to the nest and surveyed the dead branch looking for the weakest entry point. Then thrust her spear into a promising crack. At this direct attack, a swarm of bees flew out of the nest and launched an equally direct attack on the aggressor.
“Retreat!” shouted the commander, flying away at full speed covered in a layer of angry bees. The insects proved difficult to throw off. First she tried flying at full speed, but they just burrowed deeper into her fur and feathers. She flew under a heavy rainstorm without success. Eventually she spun around and created a tornado, which seemed to shake them out, or maybe by that point they had just decided it was enough and gone home. Having flown all across the valley Hurricane found she was outside her cloud camp, so she flew down to the praetorium to clean up her mane and feathers.
“Is everything okay Commander?” asked Private Pansy, looking up from her desk work compiling an index of her superior's commentary.
“We have a bee class insurgency in the forest,” replied Hurricane, “but it's under control.”
“Oh dear,” replied Pansy, “I'll come over and see if I can help.”
“As you wish Private.”
They flew over to the forest and found the rest of the ponies sitting at the base of the tree discussing tactics.
“What if we smoke them out?” said Puddinghead. “We just need to get a fire going under the nest.”
“That could set fire to the entire forest!” said Smart Cookie.
The chancellor considered this option. “I'm not sure if caramelized honey makes good mead,” she said, “any other ideas?”
“I say we lay siege!” cried Hurricane. “We maintain a day and night blockade, so they can't get any nectar in. They'll soon capitulate and hand over the honey...”
“Erm... excuse me,” said Pansy.
“Not now Private,” said Hurricane. “This will require a well camouflaged patrol...”
“Erm... will this be enough?” Pansy held out a jar three-quarters full of honey.
Commander Hurricane stared at her. Her mouth dropped open.
“What?... How?... You!... Where?... Honey?...” she spluttered.
“I asked if they could spare any. And they agreed.”
“You... asked a bees' nest for some honey?” said Platinum.
“They were very nice about it,” replied Pansy, “they said they needed to keep some for the winter, but we could take this much. They did request that you abstain from waving sharp pointed objects outside the nest in the future. And they hinted that if you could plant some more of the little purple flowers, which smell so nice, outside the village, they would really appreciate it. It's also getting rather crowded in that nest, so maybe if you built some hives for them, some of them would move in, and I'm sure they would share some more honey.”
There was a moment of silence while the ponies took in this unexpected victory. Puddinghead walked up to the jar and sniffed the contents, then her face burst into a grin.
“Awesome!” she cried, throwing her hooves around the pegasus legionary. “I knew we could do this with a little help from our friends.” She lifted Pansy into the air with her fore hooves. “Here is a pony who can find a creative solution to a crisis. I bet you can think inside a chimney!”
“Erm... I’d rather not,” said Pansy.
Princess Platinum smiled. “Good,” she said, “we can go home now.”
“This evening,” announced Chancellor Puddinghead, “you are all invited to the chancellery. Where there will be mulled mead. We can all play pin the tail on the pony. And you can try some upside-down cake, and my famous extra sticky toffee pudding!”
So that evening, all six friends assembled in the Earth Pony Chancellery to enjoy mugs of hot mulled mead, and slices of apple pie – which Cookie had substituted for alternatives, feeling that she had dealt with enough extra sticky situations for one day.
“This mead really is divine,” said Princess Platinum to Puddinghead, “I can understand now why you were so determined to get some more ingredient. Would it be too much to ask for a firkin for the castle cellar?”
“Well, Your Highness,” began Puddinghead, “it's a bit complicated. We have to ration it until the next batch is mature. And we can't be seen to favour unicorn princesses over your ordinary down to earth ponies.”
“I understand.”
“However,” continued the chancellor, “we now need to make some beehives. Maybe if the unicorns could lend a hoof or horn...”
“We would be delighted.”
Commander Hurricane had climbed on top of a barrel with Fig Roll and Spotted Dick. Together they were singing a song:
A true, true friend helps a friend in need
A friend will be there to help you see
A true, true friend joins a friend in mead
And we delight in the wine from the honeybee
“By the way,” said Clover, “did you reach agreement on what to call the Equestrian heads of tribe?”
“Oh,” replied the princess, “we never did revisit that. But anyway, I suppose it doesn't really matter.”
“What's in a name?” said Smart Cookie.
“Yeah,” replied Puddinghead, “that which we call a lavender unicorn, by any other mane would smell as sweet.”
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Romeo and Juliet references...song parodies...this chapter was awesome!
I nearly died.
“Just a temporary attack of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. She'll be fine,” said Puddinghead.
-
At this direct attach,
-attack
“Oh dear,” replied Pansy, “I'll come over and see if I can help.”
-Well, if she share's Fluttershy's talents, I imagine she will ask nicely, and this will work out well... or maybe it will take a three-tribe solution, because I don't see how this is going to turn into a symbol in the sky.
“I'm not sure if caramelized honey makes good mead,”
-*Snicker*
I bet you can think inside a chimney!”
“Erm... I’d rather not,”
-Oh, but chimney's are very good places for hiding from other ponies... Well, as long as there isn't a fire going...
“Yeah,” replied Puddinghead, “that which we call a lavender unicorn, by any other mane would smell as sweet.”
-*Chuckle*
2525419
At this direct attach,
-attack
Thanks
You use "desert" in two places instead of "dessert" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dessert
3028125
Thanks
Bucking injecting EarthPonyMagic into trees which slices stems. I wonder what is different about the tree so that it does not conduct magic.
LavenderUnicornSyndrome ;-)
No Wicker Man reference? But there were bees and everything!
6826036 Just doing my part.
7 (We should really have a Rainbow Dash salute emoticon)
This chapter is thick with references.
I like it.
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
I only found this one problem:
And this, which I'm not sure was on purpose:
6827142
Yeah, that last line was intentional. Maybe throwing in a bit of malapropism on top of a double reference was a little OTT, but I reasoned that with Pinkie/Puddinghead I could get away with it.