• Published 26th Apr 2013
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The Equine Comedy - Pineta



The further adventures of Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Princess Platinum.

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Deviant Art

The unicorn castle hall looked splendid. The stone floor was covered with a thick red carpet. Candles were lit in ornamented holders throughout the room, shedding light on the walls, illuminating Princess Platinum's masterpiece wall hanging. This was made up of twelve squares of cloth sewn together, each richly embroidered, with an intricate pattern around the edge framing beautiful pictures illustrating the story of the founding of Equestria. The room was also displaying further works of art. In the centre were a series of sculptures, and high on the end wall, some older tapestries and portraits of past monarchs which the unicorns had brought from their old home.

The princess, dressed in her jewelled crown and requisite royal cape, was unable to stand still, and paced up and down the hall continuously.

“Try to relax Your Highness,” implored Clover the Clever. “Everything is ready. The drinks and light refreshments are here, the bards have tuned their lyres, and your artwork is perfectly arranged and illuminated. We're all set to receive our guests.”

“I know, I know,” replied Princess Platinum, “I just can't stop worrying about what they will think of it. And what they will say. What if they don't like it? If they come out with some derogatory comment or base joke, I don't think I could cope! I've put so much into that tapestry!”

“But they will like it,” pleaded Clover, “it's an amazing, awe inspiring work of art! Everypony who has seen it admires it.”

“You mean every unicorn admires it,” rebutted Platinum. “Of course they do. We are a refined cultured herd, who appreciate the fine arts. I know that you understand the amount of work which goes into my craft, even though you choose to spend all your hours in that dusty library. But these pegasi and earth ponies are different. You know how vulgar their tastes are. They won't like it! I know they won't!”

She threw herself onto a pile of cushions and raised a hoof to her brow. “They'll just laugh at it. Or ignore it. They won't mean to be cruel, but they won't know how much it means to me! Commander Hurricane will hardly glance at it, and Puddinghead will make a lot of silly jokes!” She pushed her head and horn deeper into the cushion pile. “Why did I ever decide to invite them? I don't know what I was thinking! I just can't face it!”

She lifted her head and her gaze fell on a cast bronze pony in the centre of the hall. “Move that out of here! We can't leave it on display! Quickly!”

Clover inspected the metal statue. “I can't move it! It must weigh a ton.”

“Clover, I have seen you lift a forty-ton tree into the air.”

“Well I'm not moving it now. It looks just fine where it is.”

“But look at it! The eyes are far too small, the head is absurd, the thing looks as if it has been squashed into a terrible shape, like an anteater crossbreed. And have you ever seen a pony that colour?”

“It's an avant-garde portrait sculpture.”

“I know that! But the others will look at it and giggle and say, 'Why the long face? What kind of artist thinks ponies look like that?'”

There was a knocking at the castle door.

“They're here! They're here!” she wailed, “quick – bar the door! Raise the drawbridge! Go up to the battlements and shout down that we've contracted foot-and-mouth and must remain under quarantine for three months!”

Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy, who were standing by the door, moved to obey the sovereign. But Clover, who had spent the day developing a political theory of constitutional monarchy, pulled them back by magic, and opened the door. Commander Hurricane, Private Pansy, Chancellor Puddinghead and Smart Cookie entered the castle together.

Puddinghead bounded into the hall first, dressed in her ceremonial ruff and pudding hat. She jumped up to greet Princess Platinum grinning wildly. “Hiya ya-highness. How's it going? I really like your cloak. It's real weasel! How'd you get all the little critters to give up their skins? Hey, you've got some punch!” She bounced on to the drinks table leaving the princess smiling weakly.

Commander Hurricane entered the hall wearing her shining black armour, which she had spent the afternoon polishing. She removed her crested helmet, shook her mane and looked around the room. Then she walked over to the wall.

“Puddinghead,” she called, “take a look at this!” She was standing in front of the tapestry together with Private Pansy and Smart Cookie. The chancellor trotted over to her side. They stared at the first embroidered frame showing a village in the grip of a harsh winter. Strands of woollen yarn tied to the cloth depicted the ground covered with snow, and ponies shivering and fighting over scarce food. Directed by the princess, a dozen unicorns had contributed to the piece, stitching the details of the cold windswept landscape, and the bitter faces of hungry ponies.

“That was last winter!” cried Puddinghead.

“I remember that,” said Smart Cookie. She shivered at the thought.

They turned their heads and looked further along the frieze. The next frame showed a meeting hall with the three clan chiefs stood confronting one another across a table while their fellow ponies looked down from a balcony. “It's us!” shouted the chancellor.

“I won't forget that day,” said Hurricane, “we all shouted at each other, and then we had to fight over who would leave the room first.”

The next cloth was divided into three parts, showing the earth ponies, unicorns and pegasi departing their homeland. “I'm in this one,” said Pansy pointing out a figure, “and there's Clover, and Cookie!”

“The great day of departure on the perilous journey!” cried Puddinghead.

The next frame detailed the perils of the journey: pegasi fighting dark monsters in the air; earth ponies navigating treacherous mountains and descending steep snow-covered cliffs; the unicorns wading across a great fast-flowing river. They then moved along the tapestry to the arrival in the new land.

“And we landed on Earth!” announced Puddinghead. “Oh it felt so good to get your hooves into that dirt after all the snow!”

“Pegasopolis!” said Hurricane with a grin.

“Of course you mean Unicornia,” said Platinum, standing behind them. They all giggled together.

Smart Cookie and Clover had moved on to the next stitched frame showing the leaders quarrelling. “They weren't so cheerful then. Remember how you tried to calm them down?” she whispered to her friend.

“But they wouldn't have any of it,” replied Clover.

They were now at the head of the hall, halfway along the length of the embroidered hanging. The next picture showed the return of the wintery weather, and the ponies all taking shelter in the cave.

“Remember outlining the territories?” Cookie said to Pansy.

“Oh yes.” She smiled at the thought. “That was so silly.”

Chancellor Puddinghead jumped ahead to the next frame excitedly, “It's the battle of the rock!” she cried. All ponies crowded around the woven strip showing the three pony leaders fighting.

“Remember how we fought over that little stone,” said Platinum.

“Oh yes,” replied Hurricane, “you invaded our territory.” They laughed together.

The following picture had a colder feel to it, showing the cave entranced blocked, and ice forming around the leaders. The outlines of three windigos were embroidered at the top of the frame.

“That wasn't funny,” said Puddinghead, “the ice froze all around my mouth. I was afraid I'd never be able to talk again.”

“A real calamity,” said Cookie.

“It was really scary,” said Pansy. “It seemed like the end of everything. I remember how we huddled together. And then...”

“And then you told us how much you liked Commander Hurricane,” said Cookie.

“She's not so bad,” said Pansy quietly. “I was going to say, and then Clover made that amazing magic heart.”

“We all made it,” said Clover. “And then you told us that story about the time Commander Hurricane chose a turtle as the mascot for the legion.”

“Actually it was a tortoise. And you told us all those funny stories about the trouble Princess Platinum got into at boarding school.”

“And Cookie told the one about the time Chancellor Puddinghead invited the donkey returning officer to the post-election party.”

“And his false teeth got stuck in the extra sticky toffee pudding!”

The three friends fell about on the floor laughing, while the three premiers walked passed to the next frame.

“We missed that bit,” said Hurricane, “but I remember the thaw!” This picture showed the leaders emerging from their ice cocoons.

“That felt so good!” said Puddinghead.

The final cloth showed the six ponies together at the foundation of the new village, raising the united Equestrian banner. Nopony made any comment. They just stood looking at the image together in silence. Clover glanced at the princess, and saw she was smiling with tears welling up in her eyes. Eventually Commander Hurricane said softly,

We have come so far,

Per amicitia ad Equestria,

All ponies together.

“Commander!” cried Princess Platinum with an elated face, “I never knew you were a poet!”

Hurricane gave a proud smile. “You must read my commentary.”

The ponies moved into the middle of the hall and sat down on the cushions.

“Whatever happened to the rock in the cave?” asked Puddinghead.

“It must still be there,” replied Clover.

“We should go and get it!” said Hurricane, “it's a symbol of our destiny! The Rock of Equestria!”

“We could keep it in the castle,” said Platinum, “as a museum piece, under glass. And it would make an excellent coronation stone!”

“I think we should keep it in the chancellery kitchen,” said Puddinghead, “it will be great for cracking nuts, grinding flour, and pressing small cakes. I shall call it the Stone of Scone.”

“You two have enough rocks already,” cried Hurricane, “we need some more ballast in the clouds!”

“Are you going to fight over it again?” asked Clover.

At this, they all fell about laughing.

The six friends continued laughing and joking about the adventure they had shared through the evening. They discussed the progress they had made in settling their new country, and their plans for the future. Princess Platinum asked Private Pansy to tell the story of the legion tortoise. After recounting this adventure, Pansy asked to hear more about the unicorn boarding school. At this Platinum proudly showed them a letter she had received from the Headmistress of the Academy for Unicorn Princesses, reprimanding the recent behaviour of her little sister, whose unacceptable conduct included consorting with an earth pony servant, and who had further, invited a pegasus into the dormitory. They all giggled at the salacious details of the school report. Then, as it grew late, they chatted about the horseshoes, saddlebags and mane styles; and braided each other’s tails.

Eventually Commander Hurricane stood up and yawned. “That was a great party Your Highness. Now we must depart. We have a camp inspection at dawn.”

“We'd better leave too,” said Cookie, “we have a lot of haymaking to do tomorrow.”

“Don't let it rain on us,” said Puddinghead to the pegasi, “we need a beautiful day tomorrow.”

Princess Platinum escorted her guests to the gatehouse and watched them walk or fly off into the night. “I'm going to take a nap on the way home Cookie – wake me up when we reach the chancellery,” said Puddinghead as they walked over the drawbridge. Once her guests were out of sight, the unicorn closed the door and dropped all her regal deportment.

“Yes! Yes! Yes! They liked it! They really liked it!” she cried. She threw her crown into the air and leapt up on all four hooves. “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!”

“Of course they did,” replied Clover the Clever.

“I was so afraid they wouldn't understand art.”

“Your Highness, your tapestry is a wonderful work of art. The needlework is exquisite. But more importantly, it tells a story that matters to everypony. It’s something we can all relate to, and I’m sure ponies will still admire it, and tell the story behind it for many years to come.”


Early the following day, Private Pansy was asleep in the clouds, blissfully dreaming about the house that she planned to make her home once her period of military service was complete. This would be a little cottage on the ground, with climbing roses above the doorway, and pots of pelargoniums underneath the windows. The garden would be full of hollyhocks, cornflowers, lavender, and many other flowers to attract the bees and butterflies. Being close to the forest, there would be lots of woodland birds who would fill the air with their sweet song.

HONK! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!

She was abruptly recalled to the reality of army life by a shrill bugle blast followed by a lot of clanging. Sticking her head out of her cloud into the morning air, Pansy saw Commander Hurricane swooping through the camp in steady wing beats, banging a horseshoe against a kitchen saucepan, shouting instructions to the wing-officers.

“Legionaries! All patrols report for inspection parade at the forum in five minutes!”

“Why is she on the war path?” asked Cirrocumulus.

“I don't know,” replied Pansy. “Best see what she wants.”

Rather more than five minutes later, the divisions of the winged legion were lined up, in varying states of wakefulness, along the central forum of the camp. Regular cloud columns stood between them demarcating the path of the commander as she flew back and forth. Once Hurricane was satisfied that she had an audience, she flew up above the assembly and addressed her troops.

“Pegasi! As you are all aware we are a mighty warrior tribe! Brave in combat. The epitome of military discipline. Admired by our allies. Feared by our enemies. Further, we have brought peace, security and civilization to Equestria; as well as public order, legal codes, and an aerial irrigation and fresh water supply. Never has a unicorn or earth pony had just cause to question, 'What have the Pegasi ever done for us?' Our ponies-in-arms have achieved many a feat beyond the reach of other hoofed creatures!”

She paused waiting for the cheer from the troops. Private Pansy looked up and down the line and saw most of the legionaries were asleep again. She nudged Cirrocumulus, and cried, “Yay!”

“And yet we cannot rest on our laurels,” continued the commander. “We may be world leaders in aeronautics and hydraulic engineering, yet our unicorn peers put us to shame with their works of public art! We need to redress the situation, and show that the Pegasi can also conceive, execute, and admire the creative arts. Today we shall do this. We shall sculpt a monument to demonstrate the artistic skill of the pegasus ponies! Each squad is to carve a pony sculpture to the best of their creative ability. We shall then assemble a monumental frieze to depict the glory of the winged legion, which shall be visible to all Equestria!”

She flew down and landed between the ranks of legionaries. “You have your orders! Any questions?” she said.

“We sculpt a monument... Out of what?” asked Private Pansy.

“Clouds,” replied the commander. “What else?”

“Can we?” exclaimed Pansy, clapping her hooves together in excitement. “Oh this will be super fun!”

And indeed it was. Each of the squads of the four wings of the legion was assigned to sculpt a cloud figure to their own design. The legionaries spent a happy morning collecting cloud material and fashioning it into giant floating pony sculptures. Most created military pegasi models; but some opted for unicorns or earth ponies. Some clothed their statues in elaborate dress, others sought to portray the perfect athletic form of a pony nude. During a brief break they wandered around the camp inspecting the work of other teams, then flew back to refashion their own creations, aiming to outdo one another with innovative mane styling and mares' tails. By the middle of the morning a herd of individual cloud portraits was assembled in the air above the camp forum. Commander Hurricane stared up at the cloud frieze with a satisfied smile.

“Magnificent!” she exclaimed. “Let's release them into the wind.”

The winged ponies took to the air and gently kicked their statues into motion. Soon, a long line of thirty-two pony figures was drifting across the sky. The legion all assembled on the north-east side of the camp and watched their artwork float off across the valley, dancing in the breeze. Commander Hurricane saluted the aerial monument as it drifted away.

Exegi monumentum aere perennius,” she said proudly.


On the other side of the valley, in a tower of the unicorn castle, Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy were carrying a bathtub full of hot water up a narrow spiral staircase; which is not an easy task, even for ponies gifted with magical levitation powers. Iridium slowly ascended the stairs backwards, one hoof at a time, focusing his magic on the tub below, while Palladium did the same, walking forwards from the other end.

“Why is Her Royal Highness taking so many baths at the moment?” grumbled Palladium.

“It's keeping up with the Pegasi,” explained Iridium, “she doesn't want to be any less clean and fresh than Commander Hurricane.”

“Do pegasi take so many baths?”

“Oh yes. They have large public baths up in the clouds; with running water. Cirrocumulus told me that Commander Hurricane sometimes receives wing-officer's reports while in the bath. And she dictates her commentary likewise. It stops the atmosphere getting too dry.”

“It's ridiculous! Since when did ponies need to bathe every day? In the old days it was just twice a year and keep a sprig of lavender behind your ear.”

Clover the Clever cantered up the stairs at speed and squeezed past the two stallions and bathtub.

“Careful,” cried Iridium, momentarily losing his concentration and letting the tub slop some water on the floor. Clover was already at the top of the stairwell hammering a hoof on Princess Platinum’s bedchamber door.

“Your Highness! Come and look at this!”

Princess Platinum open the door, dressed in a pink bathrobe. “Whatever is going on?” she asked. “Do you have my bathwater?”

There was a loud crash in the stairwell, and a moment later Palladium appeared covered in soap bubbles, with his mane plastered over his face. “Sorry,” he said, “I slipped on a wet step.”

The princess sighed. “What is it Clover?”

“Come out on the battlements,” replied the scholar.

Platinum followed her out through an arched doorway which led off the stairwell onto the castle roof. There, from a stone walkway behind the parapets, there was a splendid view across the valley. They could see the thatched roofs of the village houses; the isolated farms; the earth ponies out cutting grass and hay making; and in the distance, the Pegasi military camp pitched among the clouds. But it was the foreground weather patterns which had caught Clover's attention. They had a panoramic view of the pegasus frieze, a long line of brilliant white cloud-ponies illuminated by the morning sun.

“Oh my!” exclaimed Platinum, “but how?... Oh... of course... it's Commander Hurricane's doing.” She laughed.

“It seems that they had a busy morning,” said Clover.

“And what a magnificent cloudscape,” said Platinum, “it combines the style and grace of classical statuary with the dreamy beauty of a romantic landscape, and a slight comic touch – truly original. I never thought the pegasi could produce art of such sophistication.”

“Maybe you've got them into something new,” replied Clover.


Out in the fields on the other side of the valley, the earth pony team also stopped to admire the artistic canopy. “Looks like they took your request for a beautiful day very seriously,” said Smart Cookie.

“And now we know what they can do, we can demand it every year,” joked Puddinghead.

However haymaking was a serious business, and they knew they couldn't spend all day admiring the clouds. Ponies spread out across the field gripping scythe handles in their teeth, sweeping the blades back and forth to cut the grass. This was left to dry in the sun, while the dry grass was raked up, piled up in carts and moved to hay barns outside the village. Chancellor Puddinghead stood on a haystack in the centre of the field shouting instructions at everypony until one of the workers sneaked off for a quiet word with a pegasus friend. This resulted in a specially targeted micro thunderstorm.

It was exhausting work, but satisfying and fun, and they were all in a joyful mood when, towards the end of the day, they had finally cut and cleared the hillside. Smart Cookie and Puddinghead lay down on their backs in the middle of the field, glad to relax. The chancellor picked a tuft of grass, blew the seeds into the wind, and started to chew the stem. She looked up at the blue sky.

“Oh look Smart Cookie, the pegasuses have been pulling faces out of the clouds again!”

Sure enough a herd of fluffy white horses was floating overhead.

“Just look at that unicorn!”

“Or that pegasus!”

“Or is it supposed to be an earth pony?”

They paused staring at an enigmatic equine-shaped cloud. “They've gone all abstract this time.”

“It is shaped like a pegasus,” said Smart Cookie after some thought.

“Methinks it is like an earth pony,” replied Puddinghead, “or like a unicorn.” She continued chewing the grass staring at the overhead pony.

“Very like a unicorn,” murmured Smart Cookie. She pulled her hat down over her eyes and soon forgot about the pegasus artwork.

The earth pony leader leapt to her feet. “You know what Smart Cookie,” she cried, “we can't let the unicorns and pegasi have all the fun. It's time we did some art!”

“What?” cried her secretary, waking up and pushing her hat back.

“We're going to make a picture like they did!”

“What? But how? We can't do needlework or sculpt clouds like they do?”

“Don't be silly. We're earth ponies; the earth is our canvas!” she cried, “Spotted Dick! Fig Roll! Get up here! We've got some artwork to do.”

The two stallions trotted up the hillside to join them.

“Go and get a vat of paint and some brushes. We're going to paint a portrait.”

“Paint a portrait! Where?” asked Fig Roll.

“On the hillside. Where else?” She pointed out the proposed canvas with a hoof.

“But then we'll get coloured hay next year,” he objected, “it will taste funny.”

“And we haven't got any paint,” added Spotted Dick.

The chancellor disliked it when her visionary plans were held back by lesser ponies with no imagination. “Well get some flour and water then.”

“But we need the flour for baking cakes.”

“Well find something else! Why do I always have to work out everything myself? Can't you...”

“Chancellor,” said Smart Cookie, “the hillside is made of chalk. If we scrape away the grass and top soil, it will show a clear white line...”

“That’s it!” cried Puddinghead. She waved her hooves in the air to attract the attention of the other earth ponies. “Everypony get up here! We’ve got some important poking the ground with our hooves to do!”

Once she had a large herd gathered around her, she looked at Smart Cookie.

“Okay, what do we do?”


To celebrate the completion of the harvest, the remaining earth ponies returned to the village to prepare a large feast. They set up tables outside on the Turf, and piled these high with all sorts of fruit, vegetables, pies, flans, pastries, cakes, and other good things to eat. Invitations were dispatched to their unicorn and pegasi friends. By early evening, when Puddinghead marched triumphantly down the hill with Smart Cookie, Fig Roll and Spotted Dick, everything was ready.

The unicorn delegation arrived. The freshly bathed princess warmly embraced the hay and chalk dust covered chancellor.

“My dear Puddinghead, what have you been doing on the hillside? We can't quite make it out from here.”

“All in good time Your Highness. Wait until the pegasi are here.”

The pegasus legion arrived in style, all wings flying in unison with Commander Hurricane at the head. They performed a graceful aerial circuit around the village and hillside before landing all together at the feast. Hurricane walked up to Puddinghead and saluted.

“We love the picture you chalked up on the hill Chancellor,” she said to Puddinghead. “It looks great from the air. But you've got to tell us – is it supposed to be an earth pony, a unicorn, or a pegasus?”

Cirrocumulus, Nimbostratus and a large crowd of other pegasi all stared at Puddinghead anticipating her response. “They've been placing bets on what you're going to say,” explained the commander.

For once, Chancellor Puddinghead was unsure what to say. “We were going to ask you that,” she said eventually.

“What?”

“Well it's not so easy to mark out a figure on the ground, where you can't see the entire picture,” said Smart Cookie, “so we waited until one of your cloud sculptures was in front of the sun, and we traced out the shadow on the ground.”

“But we couldn't agree on what sort of pony it was supposed to be,” said Puddinghead. “We assumed you could tell us.”

“Who made that one?” said Hurricane.

None of the pegasi knew.

“Well what time did it appear?”

“Late afternoon,” replied Puddinghead.

“But no one was making clouds then,” said Hurricane, “we were all chilling out in the hot tub after a busy morning.”

“You mean...”

“It was just a passing cloud.”

They stared at each other’s shocked faces. Princess Platinum looked at them both, gave a restrained titter, and then, unable to hold back, burst out laughing.

“Your Highness,” said Clover the Clever, “you shouldn't laugh at other ponies’ artwork.”

“I know,” replied Platinum, “I'm sorry. But it's just so funny – the look on your faces.”

At this Puddinghead joined in laughing, “you're right, it is funny.”

“Whatever it is,” said Commander Hurricane, “it looks really cool from the air.”

“It’s an artistic monument to Equestrian unity,” said Platinum.

The three united tribes then turned their attention to the feast in front of them and set about devouring the roasted chestnuts, carrots, butternut squash, coleslaw, bean salad, fresh bread, hay and other snacks. Plates were loaded with pastries stuffed with mushrooms, nuts, and all types of herbs, served with potatoes and cranberry and onion sauce. Followed by pony-sized pumpkin pies, extra sticky toffee pudding, and a perfected upside-down cake (further experimentation had shown it turned out better with not quite so much honey). This was washed down with copious amounts of the best cider, perry, fruit cordial and mead.

“Will we have enough food left to celebrate the anniversary of Equestria?” Clover asked Smart Cookie.

“No problem,” replied her friend, “the cellars are full. But we'd better get started with the planning soon, if we're going to get it all ready. So much to do: cakes to bake, decorations to make, games to plan.”

“It's the end of summer,” said Clover, “the wind has turned cold. We will see the first frost soon. I wonder how cold the winter will be? If the windigos are gone it can't be as bad as last year, but we should be prepared for the worst.”

She looked around her. Further down the table Princess Platinum was showing Private Pansy how to embroider a pattern on the tablecloth. Chancellor Puddinghead and Nimbostratus appeared to be engaged in a pudding eating contest, while Cirrocumulus and Fig Roll placed stakes on the outcome. Commander Hurricane was listening with great interest to Iridium Flare’s description of the sport of jousting. A group of all pony types were playing a game of pin the tail on the pumpkin pie, while another team were engaged in unstick the toffee pudding from the pony.

“I reckon we'll all stay warm whatever the weather,” said Smart Cookie.