• Published 26th Apr 2013
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The Equine Comedy - Pineta



The further adventures of Commander Hurricane, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Princess Platinum.

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Equestria Games

Among military commanders, it is a well-known phenomenon that an army will go soft if it passes too long a time period without seeing any real action. Nowhere is this transformation quicker, and surer, than where your army consists of a herd of pastel coloured winged ponies, camped in fluffy white clouds above a land of cute little unicorns, and cheerful earth ponies who make rather good cider.

Imperator Perfectus Tempestas Hurricane, Commander of the Pegasus Legion, realized very soon after the start of the Great Friendship Between Ponies, that the Pax Equestria would last. There was no going back. She watched as her once elite fighting force let their armour rust, and idled their time away flying races, playing games, weaving rainbows, carving snowflakes, and generally having fun with friends. She was happy for them. Was not the whole point of fighting to win peace and security for those whom you love? And yet a part of her felt sad and missed the days when the Pegasi were a mighty warrior tribe.

She needed something to do. A task to focus her attention, and keep her mind sharp now that she had no campaigns to plan, nor battles to fight, nor fighting regiments to inspect. But what could she do? The answer came to her in a flash of inspiration one morning in the ides of September. She would write her memoires. She would compile a Commentary on the Equestrian Wars. The definite history of the tribulations of the pony tribes and the final triumph of friendship.

In an excited mood, she dressed up in the full armour and crested helmet regalia of her post, and summoned Private Pansy, who had the neatest hoofwriting of all the legionaries.

“You wanted to see me Commander?” asked the timid pegasus on arrival at the central command room.

“Yes Private, and I wish you to take down a dictation.”

The junior legionary picked up a stylus in her mouth and sat by a slab of cloud ready to write. Commander Hurricane flew back and forth, a few inches above the floor, between the cumulus tuba columns supporting the ceiling strata.

Equestria est omnis divisa in partes tres,” began the dictator. “All Equestria is divided in three parts. One of which the Pegasi inhabit, the Unicorns another, and the Earth Ponies the third. Of these tribes, the Pegasi are the bravest, under the command of Hurricane. Among the Unicorns, Platinum is sovereign. Of the Earth Ponies, Puddinghead is the most distinguished and powerful. In seasons past, the three tribes contended with one another in almost daily battles. Hurricane, seeking due remuneration for services bestowed on the other tribes, conducted her army towards the agreed meeting place...”

Private Pansy dutifully inscribed the commander's commentary, as Hurricane continued her third pony narrative, staring straight ahead, helmeted brow held high.

“...It was decided the three tribes should meet at the bank of the river. Hurricane stationed the legion three stadia to the north, and one above ground, and proceeded to the conference accompanied by ten ponies. Hurricane opened her speech by outlining all the favours the Pegasi had shown towards the Unicorns and Earth Ponies. Imperator... Imperatrix...

She paused, searching for the right word. “Should I use the masculine or feminine noun? Can you help me out Private?”

“Oh... I decline sir.”

Imperator Hurricane,” continued the commander, “nunc triumphat qui subegit Equestriam...

“Sir!”

“Don't interrupt Private, I'm in mid flow.”

Pansy opened her mouth fully and dropped the stylus on the cloud floor. “But sir, maybe we could take a break now, sir!”

“But we've only just started!”

“But Commander, your dry commentary is sucking the moisture out of the clouds. We need to let the walls recover before you bring the roof down.”

Hurricane looked around and saw that the cloud columns were indeed looking rather more nebulous than usual. “Okay,” she replied, “we need to leave anyway. There's an important debate in the Senate this afternoon. We need to decide on the appropriate title for the pony tribe leaders. Senator seems most appropriate, but I would also settle for Patrician, Magistrate or Equite.”

The two ponies left the command cloud and flew off over the camp. The central high security zone was built to military precision with multiple strata supported by cloud columns, topped by rainbow banners. This contained the praetorium, the wing-officers’ quarters, and the bath house, surrounding a central forum. The rest of the camp was a less regular array of clouds housing the legionaries and civilian pegasi. Hurricane, Pansy, and a small group of pegasi guards flew over the outer palisade, out of the clouds and across the wider countryside. Below them they could see the woods, hills, small rivers, pastures and scattered farmsteads which characterized the territory, on the edge of a large forest.

The First Equestrian Triumvirate: Princess Platinum, Commander Hurricane, and Chancellor Puddinghead, had selected a valley surrounded by rolling hills in the centre of their new country as the site for the capital. The earth ponies had quickly established farms throughout the valley, and erected barns, houses, and taverns. There was now a thriving village. The unicorns had started construction of an impressive castle complex on the high ground to one side of the valley, while the pegasi military camp was pitched in the clouds on the other side.

The pegasus commander wanted the Equestrian Senate to be a classical circular theatre with many tiered platforms where the pony masses could assemble and hear the inspirational speeches of their great leaders. The unicorn princess, however, desired a palace of gothic towers with separate chambers for the different aristocratic ranks. The earth pony chancellor envisaged a giant glass pudding-shaped dome, supported by a mirrored ice cream cone. Pending a decision on this matter, the leaders had commandeered rooms in the White Horse Inn, a timber framed tavern on the south side of the village, for their private meetings. Ejected from their usual watering hole by the political class, the regular drinkers had rolled the cider barrels across the street to a pasture known as the Turf, where they relaxed with tankards and friends on the grass.

The pegasi landed by the unicorn and earth pony delegations, who were waiting outside the White Horse. This included Princess Platinum; her assistant, the unicorn scholar Clover the Clever; Chancellor Puddinghead; her secretary Smart Cookie; and a small number of earth pony and unicorn guards.

“Hail Hurricane!” cried Chancellor Puddinghead.

“As you wish,” said Hurricane. She shot back up in the sky, and returned with a black cloud, which she shook above their heads to deliver a localized hailstorm.

“Stop that!” cried Puddinghead. “I just meant, Hello!”

“Oh,” said Hurricane. She kicked the cloud to one side. “Hello Puddinghead! Hi Platinum!”

“If you please, Commander,” replied the princess, “I prefer to be addressed as, 'Your Highness'.”

“Her Royal Highness, Platinum Cheval de Bataille, Princess Regnant of the Unicorn Ponies,” announced the guard standing to her left. The other guard, on her right, proudly raised a hoof to salute the monarch.

“Long to reign over us!” he shouted.

A pegasus above took the cue and delivered a rain shower over the unicorn delegation. Hurricane and Puddinghead both burst out laughing, while the guards levitated an umbrella over their sovereign. Princess Platinum gave the commander an icy stare, while silently repeating to herself what her governess had told her about being a princess when she was a little filly.

“Commander. If you please. Control your ponies,” she said coldly.

Rein them in!” added Puddinghead, “before they precipitate a diplomatic incident.”

“Okay Nimbostratus. Enough!” Hurricane shouted up to the raincloud.

The rain stopped. Clover the Clever, Private Pansy, and Smart Cookie exchanged worried glances waiting for further trouble. But Princess Platinum decided it would not suit her royal dignity to comment on the weather. She raised her head and horn high in the air. “Now that we three Premiers are all here...”

“Senators!” interrupted Hurricane.

“Burghers!” shouted Puddinghead.

Platinum closed her eyes and silently counted to four before continuing. “Now that we are all assembled, the upper chamber of the Equestrian Parliament...”

“Senate!”

“Horse-meet!”

The princess counted to four again. “We can begin the session. Clover the Clever, you may wait for me here.”

The three tribal principals walked into their closed meeting. Once the door had closed, their assistants and guards let out a collective sigh of relief.

“Cider anyone?” said Smart Cookie.

The ponies walked across the street to the Turf, and were soon sat on the grass, sipping cider from wooden tankards.

“So how long d'yer reckon it will take for the big ponies to decide if they're to be Senators, Statesponies, Premier-Pony-Burghers, or whatever?” Cookie asked her friends.

“They usually argue for about an hour,” said Clover, “then the Chairponies get hungry and wrap things up quickly.” The others nodded in agreement.

“This is good stuff,” said Pansy, licking the cider foam off her muzzle.

“It's been a good year,” replied Cookie, “new trees fruiting already, and the pegasi have done a great job controlling the weather.”

“Thank you,” replied Pansy, “but really, we don't do much at all. We just rearrange the clouds when things get out of order.”

“All the same, it's amazing how much smoother things have been since our three Prime Ministers agreed that we should work together.”

“That's true,” agreed Clover. “Hey! In a few months it will be one year since that frightful night in the cave.”

“One year since the founding of Equestria! We should mark the occasion!” said Cookie.

“We should hold a party!” cried Pansy.

“That's a great idea,” replied the earth pony. “We can prepare all sort of fancy food and drinks.”

“And invite all our friends!”

“And play lots of games!”

The three friends slapped their hooves together in enthusiasm, then sat back smiling. Clover took a sheet and paper and quill out of her saddle bag and started taking notes. “I guess we should write this up into a formal proposal and take it across to the White Horse to get the Presidents' approval.”

“I just hope they haven't been quarrelling too much again,” said Cookie.

“They always come around in the end.”

With a plop, something fell into Clover's cider tankard. Puzzled, she parted the liquid by magic, and levitated two white cubes onto the tree stump they were using as a table. A pegasus stallion jumped off a cloud which was floating above them and flew down to the ground.

“Have you seen our dice?”

Clover levitated the dice under his hooves. His face brightened into a big grin.

“Hey – VI – VI – double six – look at that Cirrocumulus!”

Another winged legionary looked over the edge of the cloud and shook his head.

“Doesn't count Nimbostratus – she touched the dice – interference with play.”

“You can't back out now. Alea jacta est. She just lifted them out of her cider.”

“But she could have changed it.”

Clover looked up at the challenger and said, “I performed a simple linear levitation. No angular rotation.”

“There,” said Nimbostratus.

Cirrocumulus flew down to the ground to confront him. “How do I know that's true? She used some freaky magic there!”

At this, one of Platinum's guards jumped up and stuck his horn between the two pegasi. “A unicorn mare would not tell a falsehood. Certainly not over a silly game,” he said aggressively.

“Calm down Iridium Flare,” said Clover.

“You keep out of this,” said Nimbostratus, “this is a wing officers' discussion.”

“I am a knight-cadet of the House of Platinum,” replied the unicorn, “I will not be spoken to like that by a feather brained...”

Before he could say any more, one of the pegasi had slapped a hoof in his face. He responded by magically seizing the two winged ponies and bashing their heads together. Several further pegasus legionaries then dived out of the clouds and tackled him to the ground. They were promptly charged by the rest of the unicorn guard. The earth pony soldiers were soon swept into the action, and the scene was enveloped in a cloud of grey dust.

At this point the three enlightened rulers of Equestria came out of the White Horse.

“Hey! What's going on?” cried Chancellor Puddinghead.

“It's a punch-up!” cried an earth pony, galloping away from the ruckus. She dived behind a barrel, which was promptly hit by a flying horseshoe.

“They're serving punch! Nopony invited me!” shouted the chancellor. She jumped onto a tree stump, then propelled herself into the fight. A pegasus pony was ejected from the brawl and thrown backward, landing – wings outstretched – at Hurricane's hooves. The commander stared down at her sternly.

“What started this, legionary?”

“Those unicorns went and picked a fight!” whimpered the soldier.

“What!” she cried. She flapped her wings and rose into the air, narrowed her eyes, adjusted her helmet, then zoomed into the fight. Princess Platinum threw her cloak to one side.

“I disapprove of such ruffian behaviour. However,” she announced, “a princess will never abandon her subjects!” She charged at full speed into the action.

The brawl continued for about three minutes, until all ponies had received sufficient knocks about the head that they could no longer remember what the fight was about. The crowd then dispersed to quiet corners to lick their wounds and search for more cider. Iridium Flare stood on three hooves at the centre of the dirt arena looking disoriented.

“Has anyone seen my shoe?” he asked.

Throughout this incident, Pansy, Clover and Cookie had remained sitting on the grass holding on to their cider mugs. Clover gave Pansy an anxious smile.

“So... Is dice popular among pegasi?” she asked.

“Oh yes!” replied Pansy, “everyone in the legion plays dice. It helps to pass the time while on sentinel duty. There are many different games, some with two dice, some three, some six. We usually play for small stakes – usually hailstones or snowflakes.”

“What sort of games do unicorns play?” asked Smart Cookie.

Clover smiled. “We play Unicorn Chess,” she said.

“What's that?”

The unicorn grinned, opened her saddle bag, and took out a wooden box and a black and white chequered board, which she laid on the tree stump. She opened the box and levitated a set of painted wooden figures onto the board.

“This is the new Equestria Variation. It's my own invention,” she said proudly. “The pieces move in different ways. The small ones are foals – they move forwards one square at a time; the earth ponies pieces move in straight lines along any rank or file; then there are the unicorns, which can move an even number of squares along the rank and file, or an odd number along the diagonals; and the pegasi, which move an odd number along the rank and file, and an even number along the diagonals, and can fly over another piece in their path. In the centre we have the magicians, who can apparate to any square on the board provided the number of steps along the shortest path back to its origin is not a prime number. The crown can only move one square at a time and must be protected by other pieces. The objective of the game is to block your opponents crown so she can only move onto a square of the opposite colour.”

“Would you like to play a game?” she asked her two friends, smiling hopefully.

“Err... okay,” replied Smart Cookie.

Clover set up the pieces on the board. Seeing this, Princess Platinum walked over to join them, flanked by her personal guard – Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy. “Be warned, Clover is rather clever at this game,” she said, “permit us to advise you on the best moves.”

“Err... thanks,” replied Cookie.

At first the game seemed relatively straightforward. Cookie moved the pieces as Clover had explained. She felt she had understood the basics, and had some idea where the game was going. However, things quickly got a bit more complicated.

“You should move that foal forward two squares,” said Iridium.

“I thought they only moved one at a time.”

“Except when they are within a line of sight of the crown, then they can move twice as far,” he replied.

Clover nodded. “That's the en trottant rule. Sorry I didn't have time to explain everything.”

“Now, I would move your pegasus back, as it looks like Clover is going to try a Diagonal Saddle Attack,” said Iridium. “You need to close the gap in your defences.”

“No, that would be impossible,” said Platinum. “You should move the unicorn forward to protect your crown. Then you're well positioned to take advance of the Sinister Shield Rule.”

Cookie decided instead to move her earth pony to one side.

“Oh, you're doing a Stable Block Defence. Good idea. Now you can take two extra moves with your magician,” said Iridium.

“I thought we were playing by the Standard Court Rules?” said Platinum.

“But with the Equestria Line Extension, surely?” replied Iridium.

“Oh, in that case she would do better to try Starswirl's Counter Gambit, to shore up the defence and bring the stronger pieces forward.”

Smart Cookie let her advisers argue over her head about the best strategy to counter the Reverse Equine Lateral Manoeuvre which Clover had followed, and whether this should be allowed at all under the Horseshoe Handicap Rule. She pushed her pieces around feeling a bit lost, until Clover announced, “I think we've reached a Stablemate Draw.”

“How come?” asked Cookie.

“We've created an Impenetrable Bridle Line,” she replied, “so neither side can win from this position. I need to reformulate the Equestria Variant rules. It has a tendency to lead to situations like this.”

“I said you should have followed the Sinister Shield Strategy,” said Platinum.

“I guess Unicorn Chess is a bit of an acquired taste,” said Clover. She packed her wooden figures back in the box and replaced it in her saddle bag. “Have earth ponies invented any good games?”

“We sure have,” replied Cookie, “take for example, Aunt Sally.”

“What games did she invent?”

“Aunt Sally is the name of the game, not a pony.”

“So how does one play, Aunt Sally?” enquired Platinum.

Smart Cookie grinned, then trotted off the Turf, and returned carrying a bundle of sticks. She then hammered a metal spike into the ground with a hoof, and balanced a wooden skittle on top of this. Then she paced out a distance away from this, and drew a line in the dirt.

“Okay, take a stick,” she explained, “and from behind the line, ye throw it at the dolly, trying to knock it off, without hitting the spike. Like this.” She picked up a stick in her teeth, tossed it into the air, then kicked hard with a hind hoof so it sailed across the lawn and struck the skittle in the middle, knocking it to the ground.

Commander Hurricane flew over her shoulder and surveyed the setup, looking unimpressed.

“Is that all?” she said.

“It's not as easy as it looks,” said Cookie, “we play it in legs. In which each player gets six sticks, and whoever gets the most hits wins.”

Chancellor Puddinghead cantered over to the group, and gave Cookie a big smile. “Are you playing Aunt Sally? Can I play? Canna? Canna? Can we form a team?” she said while hopping up and down on the spot.

“Err. I guess so.”

“Yeah! Fig Roll! Spotted Dick! Get over her!” A broad red stallion and a small white and brown dappled colt trotted over to join her.

Commander Hurricane called in reinforcements: “Private Pansy, Nimbostratus, Cirrocumulus!”

Princess Platinum raised a royal hoof to summon Iridium Flare and Palladium Alloy to her side.

“Err, maybe we should form mixed teams,” suggested Cookie, “ye know, as some of us have more experience than the rest...”

“Hey – we can manage, we know about flight, it'll be plain sailing,” said Commander Hurricane.

“Yeah. Earth Ponies verses Unicorns and Pegasi! Let's see who's the best!” cried Puddinghead.

“We shall see,” said Platinum.

Smart Cookie shook her head slowly while the ponies all lined up ready for play.

“Oh just one thing,” said the chancellor, narrowing her eyes and staring at the other two team captains, “the rule is to release the stick from behind the line. No using magic or wings to direct it beyond that. And no stick tampering!”

“Of course,” replied the unicorn.

“No problem,” said the pegasus.

Once the game began, it was soon clear that Smart Cookie had been quite correct in the assessment that it was not as easy as it looked. The unicorns played the first leg, launching their sticks by a levitation and linear acceleration spell. They soon realized that only the slightest error in alignment could see a stick fly well to the side of the dolly. After a few throws, Clover the Clever discovered that by setting the stick spinning in the horizontal plane, she could significant boost the chance of a hit. Overall the team managed a score of seven.

Next round was the pegasi. Private Pansy scored two hits, by hovering above the ground and tossing the sticks with two hooves. Cirrocumulus and Nimbostratus then tried flying at speed and releasing the stick just before the line, so it continued towards the target. Commander Hurricane adopted the same strategy, but from a higher and more distant starting point, allowing her to accelerate to full speed before releasing the projectile. She then spread her wings to soar over the target. Overall the pegasi scored eight.

“But she was definitely over the line when she let go of the last one,” muttered Iridium Flare.

The earth pony team were completely unfazed by the competitors, lying on the grass with their muzzles in tankards of cider. Once it was their turn, they got to their hooves and moved into position. Each pony had his or her own preferred style for throwing the stick. Fig Roll threw it into the air with his teeth, then head-butted it forwards with considerable success. Spotted Dick launched it over his head with a single foreleg swing. Smart Cookie had perfected the toss-and-kick manoeuvre she had demonstrated earlier.

Finally the chancellor took each move very seriously, first building a small pile of mud on the ground, and placing the stick on top. She then positioned herself behind this, facing backwards in line with the target; bent her head down and stared between her four legs, doing a lot of hoof shuffling to get the right alignment. Once she was satisfied, she bucked the stick with considerable energy. This way she achieved five direct hits, and embedded one stick in the wattle and daub wall of the White Horse. She was the undisputed champion of Aunt Sally.

Overall the earth ponies had achieved a score of sixteen, and celebrated victory with another round of cider. Puddinghead leapt into the air, performed a series of cartwheels, then climbed onto Fig Roll’s back to proclaim to the world, “We are the greatest! Equestrian masters of Aunt Sally!”

“I thought you said this would be plain sailing,” said Cirrocumulus to Hurricane.

Errare equinum est,” muttered the commander, sticking her nose in a mug of cider, “but we still beat the unicorns!”

“Only because you cheated!” Palladium Alloy shouted, pointing his horn at the commander.

“We did never,” cried Cirrocumulus.

“Yes you did! We all saw how you hung on to your sticks until you were well past the line.”

“We play fair,” bellowed Hurricane, “we don't do any freaky reverse swing bowling. We certainly don't cheat at a silly earth pony game.”

“Don't you insult Aunt Sally!” cried Chancellor Puddinghead.

Commander Hurricane was hit in the face by a pumpkin, directed by a well-aimed kick from Spotted Dick. Palladium Alloy was drenched by a sudden rainstorm from a small black cloud which had appeared above his head. With his mane plastered in front of his eyes he lunged forward taking a swipe at the commander, but instead hit Iridium Flare, who turned around and punched a hoof at Fig Roll.

The kerfuffle continued along predictable lines. Smart Cookie, Private Pansy and Clover the Clever, picked up their ciders and retreated a safe distance to let it run its course.

“Seems the only game that we can all play as equals is a pony punch-up,” said Cookie.

“Indeed,” replied Clover.

“Shall we meet in the Griffin and Foal this evening for dinner?”

“Yes, let's do that.”


Once the dust had settled, the three pony tribes parted company. Clover, Palladium, Iridium and Platinum walked back towards the unicorn castle together.

“There must be a game which all ponies can play and enjoy together,” said Clover, “when I get back, I'm going to search through the library and see if I can't find a record of one.”

“As you wish, Clover the Clever. Personally, when I get back, I want a hot bath, with extra lavender and jasmine salts,” said the princess.

Soon they reached the castle walls. Princess Platinum had spent many hours discussing the design of the fortification with the unicorn stonemasons and construction was now well underway. It had to conform to expectations of medieval military architecture, with a high curtain wall topped by parapets, surrounding a central keep with turrets with conical roofs. This provided an almost impenetrable defence against enemy attack.

As making a good first impression to visitors was a high priority, Platinum had paid extra attention to the design and construction of the entranceway. This was reached by a drawbridge, flanked by pots of tulips, which bridged a wide ditch. The long term plan was to create a water filled moat with lilies and golden carp, but they were still dealing with a few leaks. The gatehouse had heavily ornamented stonework, surrounding a wooden door with a carved motif of unicorns and flowers, below the shiny Platinum crest and hanging baskets of fuchsias and pelargoniums. In the centre of the door was a solid brass knocker; to one side was a handsome multi-stranded bell-rope.

“Use the knocker, Palladium Alloy,” commanded the sovereign. “I haven't yet found a suitable bell to attach to the bell-rope.”

Palladium dutifully hammered on the knocker.

“Why do we need both a knocker and a bell-rope?” asked Clover.

“To make a good impression to our visitors of course,” replied the princess, “the door to the Unicorn Royal House must show a bit more than your common pony dwelling... Or do you think it might be a bit too much?”

“I think the knocker alone would suffice,” replied Clover.

“You may be right,” said Platinum, staring thoughtfully her entranceway. “Why is nopony answering the door?”

“It hasn't asked us anything,” said Palladium.

Princess Platinum gave him a cold stare. “Who was the pony assigned to guard the door this afternoon?” she asked.

“That would be me.”

“So why are you out here with the rest of us?”

“Well everyone else was going down the Turf, and I thought, no point guarding an empty castle, and went with them.”

“So how do we get in?”

“Oh, it’s not locked,” he replied, and pushed the door open with a hoof to show that this was true.

“So why did you just hammer on the knocker?”

“Your Highness asked me to,” replied the obedient servant.

The princess let out a sigh as they entered the castle. “Be so good as to heat the water for my bath and bring it to my chamber,” she said to Palladium.

Clover ran off down a stone staircase which lead to the castle basements. Underneath the castle towers, she had used her magic to excavate a series of caverns in the hillside. She had then lined these with bookshelves and filled them with all the ancient tomes and scrolls she had managed to salvage from the library of the old unicorn kingdom. It had all got into a terrible state of disorder during the move, and she now spent most of her evenings working through the piles of books, reshelving the collections, and compiling a new catalogue. There was an entire room just containing the unsorted papers of Starswirl the Bearded.

“Games, games, games,” she said to herself, “there must be a book on games ponies play somewhere here.”

She trotted up to her desk, on the way knocking the twenty volume stack of the 'Rules of Unicorn Chess' to the floor. Then she levitated the papers covering the desktop into the air to search for the catalogue. She eventually found it under a copy of her mentor's 'Enchantments for spiral galaxy formation and facial hair grooming'.

After finding nothing in the unfinished index, she resorted to a timeless unicorn scholars' tactic of levitating books into view one by one, reading the titles, and then dropping them into a discard pile. An hour later she had found a few promising titles, but none of these led to a breakthrough. They just confirmed what she had learnt that afternoon: pegasi enjoyed throwing dice; unicorns preferred games with intricately carved figures and complicated rules; and earth ponies liked chucking large pieces of wood around. There was no mention of a game which all ponies could enjoy. She found a promising reference on an ancient scroll, and spent another hour translating an account of something called 'papyrus, stone, shears', but it seemed to have been written by a non-hoofed creature and she couldn't understand how it was played.

After three hours of fruitless search, she wandered up to the castle hall. She found the princess giving Iridium and Palladium an embroidery lesson.

“Lie the golden yarn across the cloth, then tie it firmly to the fabric with a series of small stitches... carefully does it... no... let me rethread your needle for you.” She caught sight of the unicorn scholar. “Ah Clover, are you any good at backstitch and laid work? These two don't seem able to get the hang of it.”

“Sorry Your Highness. What are you making?”

Platinum spread out the cloth showing an image of an earth pony outlined in black thread and filled in with coloured yarn. It was almost complete, missing only the tail.

“That's magnificent,” exclaimed Clover.

On the floor behind her, Clover saw the princess had laid out a series of fabric panels, each the same size. They were embroidered with pictures of unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies, together with trees, hills and clouds; as well as a few snowstorms and exotic creatures.

“Once these are complete, we shall sew them all together, and hang the tapestry all around the hall. It will be a lasting monument to our history, depicting the exodus from our homeland, the union of the three tribes, and the foundation of Equestria.”

“That will look amazing.”

Suddenly Clover the Clever had a brainwave. “Could I borrow this, Your Highness?” she asked, laying a hoof on the unfinished cloth, “and some pins?”

“Yes of course, Clover my dear. Let me get you some yarn as well and maybe you could...”

But the young scholar was already cantering out of the hall with the tapestry. Reaching the gatehouse, she stuffed the cloth into a saddle bag, and on leaving the castle, took down the redundant bell-rope. She then ran off, over the drawbridge and down to the village.

The Griffin and Foal was an inn on the north side of the village, popular with all types of ponies due to its good food and delicious flower cordials. Clover rushed through the door and found Pansy and Cookie were already tucking into a large meal of oatcakes, carrot and apple flan with a dandelion and daisy salad set out on a wooden table.

“I've got it!” cried Clover, once she had recovered her breath.

“Got what?” asked Cookie, with a mouth full of oatcake.

“A game that we can all play together. Let me teach you how to play ‘Pin the Tail on the Pony’.”

Taking the embroidered cloth out of her saddlebag, she pinned it onto the wooden panelled wall. She then stuck a pin through the bell-rope, and picked out another plain piece of cloth.

“Okay, you go first Cookie. First I blindfold you...”

Cookie felt a blindfold magically wrap itself around her head. “Err...” she said.

“I'll spin you around,” said Clover, levitating the pony into the air and setting her spinning for a moment before putting her down.

“Now, you take the tail.”

Clover thrust the head of the pin holding the bell-rope between her friend’s teeth. “Now just walk forwards and pin it on the picture!”

Cookie stumbled forwards and hit the wall somewhat sooner than she expected, jabbing the pin through the cloth and into the wood. Amid cries of laughter and applause, Clover removed the blindfold and she saw she had pinned the tail onto the pony's stomach.

Private Pansy clapped her hooves together with excitement. “Can I go next!” she cried.

After Pansy had pinned the rope on the pony’s nose, they had attracted the attention of all the other ponies in the room, who were equally keen to participate. Once Clover had spun around and directed the last blindfolded volunteer to the tapestry, the early players had run out to tell their friends about the new game. Soon a new herd of curious participants had arrived. And once this group had finished, the news had spread throughout the village.


Later that evening, Commander Hurricane was dashing between the clouds above the valley searching for her officers. To her surprise the camp was deserted, so she flew down to the village expecting to find them there. Instead the streets were almost empty. She found Chancellor Puddinghead pacing the dirt road alone.

“Hi Hurricane, where is everypony? The village seems to be a ghost town.”

“Just what I was going to ask you.”

“Do you think it's zombies?” she said, hopping up and down hopefully. They turned the corner, and heard a loud cheer coming from the Griffin and Foal.

“Or maybe they all just went down the pub.”

They walked into the tavern and found the building packed full of every type of pony, some standing on tables or perched among rafters. Everypony was watching the centre of the room, where a unicorn with a bandage wrapped around her head, and a frayed piece of rope at the end of her horn, was advancing towards a banner pinned to the wall bearing the image of a tail-less pony.

“What's going on,” enquired the chancellor to the nearest pony.

“It's a new game,” he explained, “just watch!”

The unicorn pinned the rope on the rear of the embroidered pony and another cheer erupted from the crowd. As the player removed her blindfold they saw it was Princess Platinum.

“Well played Your Highness,” said Clover the Clever, “that was very close.”

The princess smiled happily, “I didn't know you were going to use my needlework in this way,” she said to Clover. “But this is fun.”

From the back of the room Chancellor Puddinghead shouted, “I wanna play!” and fought her way to the front using the crowd control tactics she had mastered at political rallies. Commander Hurricane leapt into the air, flying over the crowd, and almost beat her to the centre of the room. Puddinghead pushed forward to take the rope but was stopped by Smart Cookie.

“I'm afraid you'll have to wait Chancellor. We have a long queue of ponies waiting their turn.”

So Puddinghead and Hurricane joined Platinum at the bar counter and sipped mugs of elderflower cordial, while watching other ponies play the game. By the time their turn arrived, there was another type of pony tail queuing out of the tavern door waiting for a chance to play. While many of those who had already had their turn, were staying, hoping for a second or third round. Clover left them to it and retreated to a quiet corner where Pansy and Cookie were talking together.

“That was amazing Clover,” said Cookie, “you found a game which everyone enjoys, and plays together without any fighting. And it's so simple.”

“That's why it works,” explained Clover. “It's not about strength, skill or competition. It's just about friends having fun.”

“You've even got our three Herd Heads laughing together like true friends,” said Cookie, watching Platinum, Puddinghead and Hurricane joking together on the other side of the room.

Late in the evening, long after an impromptu proposal for an extension of pub licensing hours was unanimously approved by the premiers, the ponies finally grew tired of tail pinning and the party broke up. Clover, Cookie, Pansy and the Head Horses lingered together chatting. Commander Hurricane talked about her plans for her commentary.

“I need a precise, elegant, conclusion to the book. Something with class and grace, which will be recorded in all the history books and taught in schools. How about, 'Veni Vidi Vici'?”

“But you didn't conquer anything Commander. Equestria was founded in peace and friendship,” said Platinum.

“It was a kind of conquest,” mused Smart Cookie, “in which we all won, and nopony lost.”

"How about, 'Venimus Vidimus Fecimus Amicitiam'?" suggested Pansy.

“That's not so catchy.”

“But much more friendly.”

They raised their tankards and downed the last of the cordial.

“What did you decide to call the Heads of Pony Houses in the end?” Clover asked Platinum.

“Oh,” replied Platinum, “we decided to postpone that decision. It seems clear to me that the obvious title is Equine Premier; but I could also accept Dauphine, or even Maire. But for some reason none of these were acceptable.”

“What's wrong with Senator, Patrician, or Magistrate?” said Hurricane.

“Or Burgher, Sheriff, or Apple-Puff-Ritter?” shouted Puddinghead.

The three Horse Heads glared at one another aggressively.

“Okay,” said Clover, “let’s leave that for another day. I’m exhausted. How much do we each owe the landlady?”

“Four pegasos,” said Hurricane.

“Four unicoins,” said Platinum.

“Four bucks,” said Puddinghead.

They each counted out four identical sized gold coins onto the table. “We should really have a common Equestrian currency,” said Platinum. “Let’s call it the equ.”

“The quid?” said Hurricane.

“The Equestrian Equity Quantization Unit.”

Smart Cookie swept up the coins with her hoof. “How about, the bit,” she said.