You find yourself as Pinkie's special birthday present, but she likes a good game before any actual play time. Enjoy running through distractions from the residences of Ponyville as you track down your target, but will you win in the end?
Chapter two, and our first is… Huh, I wouldn’t mind chasin’ HER around Ponyville!
… “out of our path” – ‘our’ should be ‘your’. … “who’s voice it is” – ‘who’s’ should be ‘whose’. However, if ‘voice it is’ is changed to something like ‘calling for her’, then you can keep ‘who’s’ as it is. Author’s Choice!
For the sake of proofreading, I’ll be selecting every “Optional Task” granted. After all, those typos can be hiding anywhere… they’re vicious.
… “returning your left hand” – ‘returning’ is at the start of a sentence, thus, it needs to be capitalized. … “her pink manned friend” – ‘manned’ should be ‘maned’. While maned isn’t a word in MSWord, ‘manned’ is solely an adjective. Besides, ‘maned’ DOES have a web definition, so it IS a word, technically! If all else fails, simply change ‘pink manned friend’ to ‘friend with the pink mane’. … “to have giving” – ‘’giving’ should be ‘given’.
Alright, a bit more to review, here! Nice! First, environment: The cold cellar was one thing, but outside? Nice and immersive. You forgot to mention how the air would smell, though, which I would consider an interesting detail for a runner. Compared to a pollution-ridden human planet, this is majorly an earth-friendly species of ponies, so I’d imagine a fresh smell being ever present in the air. Besides, going after Pinkie, you’d encounter several scents: Apples, sugar, flowers, ponies, etc. Welcome to Ponyville: Please do not sniff ponies out of curiosity.
Now then, Rainbow… I’m used to seeing her depicted in her rather brash nature, so seeing a more laid back, relaxed state is refreshing. The amazing thing is, despite her not being image-conscious, you really fit her character well for this story. It comes out nicely, and I respect your writing ability as a result… Heck of a lot better than mine.
Well... I like this story so far .
Very bad idea, because you can't fly and she is way faster than you.
Did... did I just give Rainbow Dash a belly rub?
2419472
Eeyup
Well, umm, what?
..I am surprised to find myself satisfied. In more ways than one.
giving a pony a belly rub would be so awesome
Chapter two, and our first is… Huh, I wouldn’t mind chasin’ HER around Ponyville!
… “out of our path” – ‘our’ should be ‘your’.
… “who’s voice it is” – ‘who’s’ should be ‘whose’. However, if ‘voice it is’ is changed to something like ‘calling for her’, then you can keep ‘who’s’ as it is. Author’s Choice!
For the sake of proofreading, I’ll be selecting every “Optional Task” granted. After all, those typos can be hiding anywhere… they’re vicious.
… “returning your left hand” – ‘returning’ is at the start of a sentence, thus, it needs to be capitalized.
… “her pink manned friend” – ‘manned’ should be ‘maned’. While maned isn’t a word in MSWord, ‘manned’ is solely an adjective. Besides, ‘maned’ DOES have a web definition, so it IS a word, technically! If all else fails, simply change ‘pink manned friend’ to ‘friend with the pink mane’.
… “to have giving” – ‘’giving’ should be ‘given’.
Alright, a bit more to review, here! Nice! First, environment: The cold cellar was one thing, but outside? Nice and immersive. You forgot to mention how the air would smell, though, which I would consider an interesting detail for a runner. Compared to a pollution-ridden human planet, this is majorly an earth-friendly species of ponies, so I’d imagine a fresh smell being ever present in the air. Besides, going after Pinkie, you’d encounter several scents: Apples, sugar, flowers, ponies, etc. Welcome to Ponyville: Please do not sniff ponies out of curiosity.
Now then, Rainbow… I’m used to seeing her depicted in her rather brash nature, so seeing a more laid back, relaxed state is refreshing. The amazing thing is, despite her not being image-conscious, you really fit her character well for this story. It comes out nicely, and I respect your writing ability as a result… Heck of a lot better than mine.
… Hmm-Whuh? Oh! Oh, right, another chapter, o-of course! I’ll just…
Waaaait…
… *Reads his comment in Chapter One*… Yeah, not gonna bother going into that.
Feels nice to give Rainbow Dash a belly rub and get a hug!
It ain't always about sex.
I got a why boner for rubbing dashies belly? (Don't tell me I'm becoming a clopper... Wait, I don't clop.)
2425375
Bro, I see you in the comments of every other story I read now. Here's a picture that may cause manly tears:
i.imgur.com/WmuKcg2.gif
2966700 Hey, I'm gettin' around to reading all the stories I've wanted to!
And so long as I have my keyboard, I WILL leave words for the spectacular authors that leave us these tremendous stories!
I would so love ot give Dashie a belly rub 8D then a hug, and then more hugs...
Ack, I wish I was chasing her, legit, I WILL TRY!
//sobs
Nice job, heheeh eue