Follow-up story to "Sweat". You and Rarity have been seeing each other for a little while, and life's pretty good. But when Pinkie Pie mentions one day that something is bothering her, Rarity gets an idea that just may help.
2694644 I had to read it twice to see any mention of being naked, but I guess it was just that obvious, Note to 'self'......get Rarity to make 'me' some looser clothes!
I’ve been waiting to read this for a little while, now, going through other stories until this was complete: Thank YOU, Read Later list! A sequel to ‘Sweat’? Well I loved that story, and
… “Was that ever a question you couldn't say no to!” – Shouldn’t the exclamation mark be a question mark? … “with each others' bodies” – ‘others’’ should actually be ‘other’s’. The key word is ‘each’, which gives the proceeding word singular traits. … “a good old fashioned” – Place a hyphen between ‘old’ and ‘fashioned’. … “turned to Jell-O” – Mind your use of product-names. Since it’s a form of gelatin, just call it ‘gelatin’, which is likely available in Equestria, unlike, say, Jell-O-brand gelatin. Calling the legs ‘jelly’ is also a viable substitute. … “Stayin' Alive” – I am tremendously against the direct use of songs in fics, at least without links to them, (which can be added through the linking option), but it seems you worked the paragraph around this particular reference… Personally, the paragraph feels almost completely out of place, save for the beginning where it mentions how Rarity’s strut was similar to that which was used by the protagonist. That bit about the collar, for example, didn’t fit even slightly. … “toward the Boutique” – ‘Boutique’ actually shouldn’t be capitalized unless you replace ‘the’ with ‘Carousel’: Proper Nouns get capitalized, but since the store isn’t called ‘the Boutique’, you don’t capitalize it. … “devious pegasus' eyes” – ‘pegasus’’ should be ‘pegasus’s’. You may think this is incorrect, but there’s a reference for it, with the song “Octopus's Garden”. It’s the same principle: Singular-possessive nouns have ‘s’s’ if they end in ‘s’. … “Originally, the only time you seem to get” – “Originally” implies a form of past-tense that the rest of the sentence doesn’t seem to carry (though the rest of the paragraph confirms this past-tense format). Replace ‘you’ with ‘you’d’. … “meat eaters like” – Place a hyphen between ‘meat’ and ‘eaters’. … “take a final bite” – ‘a’ should be ‘the’. … “cushy king size bed” – ‘king size’ should be ‘king-size’. … “her work. She takes” – Remove one of the three spaces placed between the period and ‘She’. … “has your entirety inside” – ‘your’ should be ‘you’. … “to the soft springy” – Place a comma between ‘soft’ and ‘springy’. … “door of the Boutique” – I made my statement earlier about ‘Boutique’. Remove the capitalization, or use the full name. … “life as she near climax” – ‘near’ should be ‘nears her’. … “two warm wet” – Place a comma between ‘warm’ and ‘wet’.
This holds a lot of potential, and it’s easy to be submerged in the experience… eeeeven if the end of Chapter 1 would imply a rather painful case of “blue balls”.
Aaaand of course, Pinkie’s the cause. Now, this early in the story I can’t say much about Pinkie’s character, but Rarity seems to be rather heavily driven by lust. Maybe it’s just how I saw her, but as soon as things “started” in the bedroom, it seemed like she was being driven solely by her own desires, which threw me for a bit of a loop. Funny thing is, after the interruption, she totally seemed in-character. Considerate enough to seek towels to clean up, a spring in her step as she went down the stairwell, giggling and kissing… It sounded a bit different from the mare who we were with, in the bedroom moments ago.
The protagonist has a bit of BACKSTORY! I like it! From reading one of the comments of this chapter, I see that the reason for this holds a purpose. I’m glad about that, as it makes me question what will have meaning later, giving me all the more reason to immerse myself in the story, and with considerable ease. The story is pleasant to read, and the characters are a big part of that.
That said, the protagonist DOES seem a little easy to become distracted, I suppose. The market’s a perfect example of that, with him wandering with Rarity through the market, and then sort of going off in his own little world. I suppose it’s meant to establish the blissful mindset he’s in, but still, kinda odd. Heh…
I can’t review nearly as much in the first chapter of a multi-chapter story, so I’ll end it there… for now. On to Chapter 2!
2698706 Is it funny that I don't even have to click the link to know what video that most likely is?
Liking the story so far, seeing as I enjoyed 'Sweat'. I like how you are setting up the transition between stories/characters in this chapter. Must see how it plays out.
Much to your relief, it seemed no one minded that you, essentially an alien, were deeply committed to the fashion designer.
On the other hoof, somepony should've minded that you - essentially an alien - were deeply committed to an Element bearer. You know, one of the living weapons Equestria has? ;]
Looks good cant wait to see more.
That was sweet.
That was beautiful. Have a criminally happy Rarity vector as thanks ^_^
th08.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2012/298/d/2/vector___rarity_very____happy___by_mackaged-d5iuiha.png
So.....do 'I' walk around naked now?
Evidently not. Also....Dammit Pinkie!!!!
2694639
Haha, didn't even catch that writing it.
2694644 I had to read it twice to see any mention of being naked, but I guess it was just that obvious, Note to 'self'......get Rarity to make 'me' some looser clothes!
Do carry on.
This is good. Very descriptive.
...Maybe a little too descriptive at parts? I mean, did I really need to know that much about his diet and all that?
2695416
It will become a little clearer in the next update as to why it was mentioned like it was.
2695525
Fair enough.
I wonder if you'll make one of these for each of the Mane 6.
You have many of my interests.
Very well written, and with my favorite mare no less, I look forward to more of this.
Oh Pinkie...
JUST WHEN IT WAS GETTING TO THE GOOD PART
Cockblocked by the "Party Pony" ...
I think I hear Rarity's sister in the bushes - http://youtu.be/yu_RmSJxtUE
A continue on of a good story that I read, with a nice plotline?
*In ichigo's voice* UP-VOTE!
Reads "wanton desire"
You doi. You nee wanton?
Up next for me to read is the G&PB of IW!
EXCELLENCE!
That is all.
*See's human in the tags* OH HELL NO O__O
Typical how nearly every comment even slightly implying the need for more was down voted, but yay for more plot!
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m81njlVf411rqknsjo1_500.jpg
That is all.
I’ve been waiting to read this for a little while, now, going through other stories until this was complete: Thank YOU, Read Later list! A sequel to ‘Sweat’? Well I loved that story, and
… “Was that ever a question you couldn't say no to!” – Shouldn’t the exclamation mark be a question mark?
… “with each others' bodies” – ‘others’’ should actually be ‘other’s’. The key word is ‘each’, which gives the proceeding word singular traits.
… “a good old fashioned” – Place a hyphen between ‘old’ and ‘fashioned’.
… “turned to Jell-O” – Mind your use of product-names. Since it’s a form of gelatin, just call it ‘gelatin’, which is likely available in Equestria, unlike, say, Jell-O-brand gelatin. Calling the legs ‘jelly’ is also a viable substitute.
… “Stayin' Alive” – I am tremendously against the direct use of songs in fics, at least without links to them, (which can be added through the linking option), but it seems you worked the paragraph around this particular reference… Personally, the paragraph feels almost completely out of place, save for the beginning where it mentions how Rarity’s strut was similar to that which was used by the protagonist. That bit about the collar, for example, didn’t fit even slightly.
… “toward the Boutique” – ‘Boutique’ actually shouldn’t be capitalized unless you replace ‘the’ with ‘Carousel’: Proper Nouns get capitalized, but since the store isn’t called ‘the Boutique’, you don’t capitalize it.
… “devious pegasus' eyes” – ‘pegasus’’ should be ‘pegasus’s’. You may think this is incorrect, but there’s a reference for it, with the song “Octopus's Garden”. It’s the same principle: Singular-possessive nouns have ‘s’s’ if they end in ‘s’.
… “Originally, the only time you seem to get” – “Originally” implies a form of past-tense that the rest of the sentence doesn’t seem to carry (though the rest of the paragraph confirms this past-tense format). Replace ‘you’ with ‘you’d’.
… “meat eaters like” – Place a hyphen between ‘meat’ and ‘eaters’.
… “take a final bite” – ‘a’ should be ‘the’.
… “cushy king size bed” – ‘king size’ should be ‘king-size’.
… “her work. She takes” – Remove one of the three spaces placed between the period and ‘She’.
… “has your entirety inside” – ‘your’ should be ‘you’.
… “to the soft springy” – Place a comma between ‘soft’ and ‘springy’.
… “door of the Boutique” – I made my statement earlier about ‘Boutique’. Remove the capitalization, or use the full name.
… “life as she near climax” – ‘near’ should be ‘nears her’.
… “two warm wet” – Place a comma between ‘warm’ and ‘wet’.
This holds a lot of potential, and it’s easy to be submerged in the experience… eeeeven if the end of Chapter 1 would imply a rather painful case of “blue balls”.
Aaaand of course, Pinkie’s the cause. Now, this early in the story I can’t say much about Pinkie’s character, but Rarity seems to be rather heavily driven by lust. Maybe it’s just how I saw her, but as soon as things “started” in the bedroom, it seemed like she was being driven solely by her own desires, which threw me for a bit of a loop. Funny thing is, after the interruption, she totally seemed in-character. Considerate enough to seek towels to clean up, a spring in her step as she went down the stairwell, giggling and kissing… It sounded a bit different from the mare who we were with, in the bedroom moments ago.
The protagonist has a bit of BACKSTORY! I like it! From reading one of the comments of this chapter, I see that the reason for this holds a purpose. I’m glad about that, as it makes me question what will have meaning later, giving me all the more reason to immerse myself in the story, and with considerable ease. The story is pleasant to read, and the characters are a big part of that.
That said, the protagonist DOES seem a little easy to become distracted, I suppose. The market’s a perfect example of that, with him wandering with Rarity through the market, and then sort of going off in his own little world. I suppose it’s meant to establish the blissful mindset he’s in, but still, kinda odd. Heh…
I can’t review nearly as much in the first chapter of a multi-chapter story, so I’ll end it there… for now. On to Chapter 2!
2698706
Is it funny that I don't even have to click the link to know what video that most likely is?
Liking the story so far, seeing as I enjoyed 'Sweat'. I like how you are setting up the transition between stories/characters in this chapter. Must see how it plays out.
hehehe, in a minute it won't be so little
I'm so clever it hurts.
Nice start.
On the other hoof, somepony should've minded that you - essentially an alien - were deeply committed to an Element bearer. You know, one of the living weapons Equestria has? ;]