2209183 Yeah I know but the worst part was I never got to see it in the featured box. As I said to another friend of mine, it's like being a secondary character in Terminator 2 but never actually getting to see the movie
2208973 Was thinking Ron: What the fuck is this fucking tie buisness? as he fluffs Iron Will's tie. Will pushes his hand away. Iron Will: Oh knock it off already with the tie
2209508 Well I wouldn't call myself a 'Brony'. In my eyes Bronys err bronies... brownies... either way, now I forgot what I was going to say. But I am Canadian and best of all I'm a redneck so let's put a tarp in the back of muh rusty old Ford pickup truck and make it a pool
Ooooohhhhh crud, I forgot to say this, before: To easily find errors I point out, use Ctrl+F and type whatever I quoted to quickly send you to it in the story. I’m sorry, I usually remember to say that in the early chapters. I feel awful.
… “chuckled to myself” – ‘myself’ should end with a period.
Okay, the song section needs italics to signify that they’re lyrics being sung, much like that which was done two chapters prior.
… “it’s run to you” – Well, you’re using a title of a song, so capitalize it and put it in italics. Otherwise it looks like it’s all the same form of phrasing. … “‘Copy-cat’ I thought” – Actually, ‘Copycat’ IS a real word, so no hyphen is needed. … “at about 4ish to go” – You really shouldn’t mix numbers WITH words. Consider removing the ‘ish’, since ‘at about 4’ is just as good. … “in the drier” – ‘dryer’, not ‘drier’; ‘drier’ is simply an extension of ‘being dry’, but the name for the machine itself is ‘dryer’. … “Tips cowboy hat) damn I wish I had a picture of me tipping my had” – Hoooow did you type ‘hat’ and then type it wrong in the same sentence? :ajconfused: ‘had’ should be ‘hat’.
Alright, time to kick it up a notch! HERE we go, with the story of romance coming into play!
... at the end.
Alright, the stuff before the end, well... I already spoke about Ron's appetite, his rather naïve nature, and his personality. I guess I could compliment you on the use of Vinyl, though I kinda wanted to know more about how he barely knew her name, but knew about her music. That sounded unusually interesting, at least to me.
The rest of the events basically consisted of his "afternoon and evening schedule", which was a shame, since unlike two chapters prior, there wasn't really any character development; it lead strictly to his routine around the house. Also, he seemed unusually accepting of the spa being closed at 4:30 PM. What, was it normally closed, then? If not, why'd he just accept it after being there for so long? He could have at least said a reason why he wouldn't question it, since there are two ponies that work there...
There's naïve, but that was more... just Ron being a bit of a 'tool'. You're losin' points with me, Ronnie... y'better pick up the pace n' smarten up, unless y'wanna get tossed like yer salads!
That's it, done. Can't stand to read anymore of this. The pacing is downright awful, and the protagonist is blatantly unlikable. It's a poorly done, over-glorified, self-insert with a bad case of the ego trip.
2632106 I have no idea what you are talking about. You must have the wrong story, because this story is amazing so far. In my, and most others, opinions BEEEEYAAAAATCH
2209183 Yeah I know but the worst part was I never got to see it in the featured box. As I said to another friend of mine, it's like being a secondary character in Terminator 2 but never actually getting to see the movie
2208973 Was thinking Ron: What the fuck is this fucking tie buisness? as he fluffs Iron Will's tie. Will pushes his hand away. Iron Will: Oh knock it off already with the tie
I have this... Image that this guy is the stereotypical idiot dumb guy who does too much heavy lifting.
So many chapters in one day
You're adorable.
2209508 Well I wouldn't call myself a 'Brony'. In my eyes Bronys err bronies... brownies... either way, now I forgot what I was going to say. But I am Canadian and best of all I'm a redneck so let's put a tarp in the back of muh rusty old Ford pickup truck and make it a pool
I got too much to read for tonight but I will read maybe tomorrow or something. Hopefully this one will last longer than your Milky Way story
I really like the storyline. When you finish, you should write more of these.
Stay tastical.
Love, TheMultiTraveler
It's been a while since I heard Bryan Adams.
Thanks for the nostalgia bomb bro.
I feel as though you base your human charictars off of yourself and your bragging.
Ch4 and 5are really good
Run to you? By Bryan Adams? THIS little number??
I approve. So very much. In other news, Ron has seriously done goofed with Lotus it seems. I hope he can still get that massage (and more huehuehue).
Also DAAAYYUUM the guy can eat. I thought I had a big appetite...
Ooooohhhhh crud, I forgot to say this, before: To easily find errors I point out, use Ctrl+F and type whatever I quoted to quickly send you to it in the story. I’m sorry, I usually remember to say that in the early chapters. I feel awful.
… “chuckled to myself” – ‘myself’ should end with a period.
Okay, the song section needs italics to signify that they’re lyrics being sung, much like that which was done two chapters prior.
… “it’s run to you” – Well, you’re using a title of a song, so capitalize it and put it in italics. Otherwise it looks like it’s all the same form of phrasing.
… “‘Copy-cat’ I thought” – Actually, ‘Copycat’ IS a real word, so no hyphen is needed.
… “at about 4ish to go” – You really shouldn’t mix numbers WITH words. Consider removing the ‘ish’, since ‘at about 4’ is just as good.
… “in the drier” – ‘dryer’, not ‘drier’; ‘drier’ is simply an extension of ‘being dry’, but the name for the machine itself is ‘dryer’.
… “Tips cowboy hat) damn I wish I had a picture of me tipping my had” – Hoooow did you type ‘hat’ and then type it wrong in the same sentence? :ajconfused: ‘had’ should be ‘hat’.
Alright, time to kick it up a notch! HERE we go, with the story of romance coming into play!
... at the end.
Alright, the stuff before the end, well... I already spoke about Ron's appetite, his rather naïve nature, and his personality. I guess I could compliment you on the use of Vinyl, though I kinda wanted to know more about how he barely knew her name, but knew about her music. That sounded unusually interesting, at least to me.
The rest of the events basically consisted of his "afternoon and evening schedule", which was a shame, since unlike two chapters prior, there wasn't really any character development; it lead strictly to his routine around the house. Also, he seemed unusually accepting of the spa being closed at 4:30 PM. What, was it normally closed, then? If not, why'd he just accept it after being there for so long? He could have at least said a reason why he wouldn't question it, since there are two ponies that work there...
There's naïve, but that was more... just Ron being a bit of a 'tool'. You're losin' points with me, Ronnie... y'better pick up the pace n' smarten up, unless y'wanna get tossed like yer salads!
This fic is pretty good idk why (not you the writer) but the character himself kinda annoys me with his CONSTANT working out and exercising.
That's it, done. Can't stand to read anymore of this.
The pacing is downright awful, and the protagonist is blatantly unlikable.
It's a poorly done, over-glorified, self-insert with a bad case of the ego trip.
2632106 I have no idea what you are talking about. You must have the wrong story, because this story is amazing so far. In my, and most others, opinions BEEEEYAAAAATCH