God damn that was fast. the chapter's pacing is ok, but the overall length is kinda short. The pacing is fast, and direct, and I like how it emphasizes it is daily routine.
Most of the other guys either used protein shakes or some weird fat loosing drink but not me.
The context suggests that "loosing" (the act of setting something loose) should be "losing" (the act of being deprived of something, as in "to lose weight").
Probably an angel coming to great me.
"Great" should presumably be "greet", as "to great me" doesn't parse.
Okay, obviously you can do better with the detail since you managed to describe Mr. Maples physique. I mean, all you put in when you were getting to the juicy parts was just havinh Mr. Maple do cool down stretches and then just immediately zap out of nowhere and immediately assume he was dead.
Cmon, don't kill us with that kinda stuff, try and put a little more effort in there, it'd be real appreciated.
Dat cover picture. Hilarious ending. Non-brony sent to Equestria who even lifts. He also makes me feel terrible about myself. To think that I was once proud to be able to bench 100...(I'm pathetic, I know. Twig arms suck).
Anyways, all of the above. Instant like and fav. Onwards.
Alright, didn't notice any errors in the text, so... might as well go straight from the proofread to the review.
Alright, for a prologue, it was decently explained, at least, for the most part. The author holds the right to provide any explanations, or to refrain from explaining something that they feel might be too early to delve into, such as plot-related specifics. The problem I have is how much certain things seemed to become referenced with regards to the main character. Gym workout sessions? Nickname? Well, if it pays off it's alright, but other than that, you could have brought up some more of what they looked like in terms of getting ourselves more immersed into who they were, rather than who they are.
With first-person stories, you need to remember that just because you have a good idea of what the character will look like, doesn't mean that you can expect your readers to. This all takes place three years ago, so a prologue that consists of more than half of it in the same place (In this case, the gym), is rather questionable with regards to "Is it important?".
... Whatever. I guess I'll have to see where things go from here. 'Least the story, at this point in time, is complete. Always a plus.
Not even going to read the rest of the story. The way the chapters are drawn out, and from reading this chapter, I can assume most of it is him being a douche, bragging about how "tough" he is. Then at the end, the spa ponies just randomly fall in love & throw themselves at him like common trailer park sluts, saying how strong he looks and other BS... Also going to assume the sex isn't worth the read anyway.
It's one thing to make a character not seem weak, but it's also another thing to make them look like a total douche.
Like, Fave. You have my support.
Love the end
God damn that was fast. the chapter's pacing is ok, but the overall length is kinda short. The pacing is fast, and direct, and I like how it emphasizes it is daily routine.
Also, NON BRONY IN EQUESTRIA? THAT'S A FIRST
Dat end. AUTO-LIKE activated
"Suddenly after I was lifting weights some portal opened up and zapped me away instantly."
Did you know the same thing happens to me EVERY time I use my blender?
Naw I kid, good first chapter.
i like how this is post season 3. cant wait for all the twilacorn references
Their Japenese ponys so this is a Crop fic
Wow, that's the weirdest "portal to Equestria" I've ever seen!
DAN THE MAN
Roosterteeth refrence is awsome
2208568
No it isn't. In fact, there is a story titled "I'm not a brony get me out of equestria" or some such.
Not to mention several other examples I've come across.
Ever since I was a little girl in France, I dreamed of becoming a Canadian bodybuilder.
The context suggests that "loosing" (the act of setting something loose) should be "losing" (the act of being deprived of something, as in "to lose weight").
"Great" should presumably be "greet", as "to great me" doesn't parse.
... Buckin love it!
Auto Favourite and Like!
" suddenly an electric portal zapped and my mind went black."
I... Really? You spend that much time detailing his physique and then when plot happens its 'a portal zapped'? I can't even... Wat.
Wait, I can even: DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO
Okay, obviously you can do better with the detail since you managed to describe Mr. Maples physique.
I mean, all you put in when you were getting to the juicy parts was just havinh Mr. Maple do cool down stretches and then just immediately zap out of nowhere and immediately assume he was dead.
Cmon, don't kill us with that kinda stuff, try and put a little more effort in there, it'd be real appreciated.
Dat cover picture. Hilarious ending. Non-brony sent to Equestria who even lifts. He also makes me feel terrible about myself. To think that I was once proud to be able to bench 100...(I'm pathetic, I know. Twig arms suck).
Anyways, all of the above. Instant like and fav. Onwards.
Love how he doesn't even freak out or anything after "dying".
2219544 One Thought,Was Stuck To My Mind When You Said That He Lifts.
2207640 you think ponies are messed up angels? Try ancient hebrew angels. Eldritch abomination is more accurate.
2208568 NOPE! Try the TDverse. Long live TD Harrison Powell!
2208568 Y'know, among all the "Human in Equestria" fics I've read, I don't think I've ever read one with a brony in it.
... Not arguing, but still.
Alright, didn't notice any errors in the text, so... might as well go straight from the proofread to the review.
Alright, for a prologue, it was decently explained, at least, for the most part. The author holds the right to provide any explanations, or to refrain from explaining something that they feel might be too early to delve into, such as plot-related specifics. The problem I have is how much certain things seemed to become referenced with regards to the main character. Gym workout sessions? Nickname? Well, if it pays off it's alright, but other than that, you could have brought up some more of what they looked like in terms of getting ourselves more immersed into who they were, rather than who they are.
With first-person stories, you need to remember that just because you have a good idea of what the character will look like, doesn't mean that you can expect your readers to. This all takes place three years ago, so a prologue that consists of more than half of it in the same place (In this case, the gym), is rather questionable with regards to "Is it important?".
... Whatever. I guess I'll have to see where things go from here. 'Least the story, at this point in time, is complete. Always a plus.
Not even going to read the rest of the story. The way the chapters are drawn out, and from reading this chapter, I can assume most of it is him being a douche, bragging about how "tough" he is. Then at the end, the spa ponies just randomly fall in love & throw themselves at him like common trailer park sluts, saying how strong he looks and other BS... Also going to assume the sex isn't worth the read anyway.
It's one thing to make a character not seem weak, but it's also another thing to make them look like a total douche.
Despite everyo else saying this story isnt good I like it allready. Its a good break after just finishing your Secret Crush. Maple reminds me of Joe
Someone’s never lifted weights before! 410lbs lmao!!!