Chapter Ten
Head Full of Cotton Candy
A “My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic” fanfiction
By TheManWithTwoNames
I do not own any of the characters contained in the following work. “My Little Pony” and all subsequent properties belong to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.
I’m starting to think that no one is going to help me out with my T-shirt dilemma.
500 meaningless points to whoever knows where the song is from.
Out of the clear blue cloudless sky, a bolt of lightning came.
Princess Celestia did not consider it to be one of the stranger things that had happened to her. It was still mildly surprising when a pony gracefully rose from the crater. It was a pegasus with an alabaster coat, a golden mane, and piercing blue eyes. Her flank was marked with two angelic wings on either side of a golden ring that truly glowed with its own unworldly light.
“O Great Celestia,” the mare said, her voice trembling as though she were addressing God herself, “it is at last time.”
The alicorn was lost in her enthusiasm. She had waited for this moment for years. She had watched it unfold in her mind a hundred times over. And now that it was finally happening, it seemed too good to be true. But after so long, she could not turn away from something so good.
“Is this really the day? The day I have dreamed of?” the princess asked, her voice faint.
“Indeed, true daughter of Equestria,” the angel said with a serene smile, “it is time for you to embrace your destiny and restore harmony to the world.”
“Yes!” Celestia cheered, her face beginning to feel sore from her stretched grin. “At last, the tyrant shall fall! I shall reclaim my birthright, save my ponies, and return my kingdom to peace!”
“Yea, and… eh, verily.”
“Every day I could do nothing but watch as countless ponies suffered in this madness. My heart burned for justice, and heaven has answered my prayers.”
“You go, girl.”
“And with your strength, I shall avenge my mother and father, and end Discord once and for all!” Celestia declared, her voice echoing over the preciously serene plains she had been taking refuge in.
“But he’s so handsome!” the angel suddenly cried, taking Celestia by surprise for a second time.
“I’m sorry?” The alicorn blinked a few times, completely stunned by the angel’s outburst.
“And funny, and smart, and good at dancing…” As the angel listed off, Celestia’s white cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink. She gave an aggravated moan and collapsed to the ground, burying her face in the grass and pulling her long pink mane over her head in a sad attempt to hide herself from what came next. ‘
“And he’s just the bestest boyfriend in the whole wide world and you and him are going to get married and have a million babies and live in a little house on a hill and eat until you get fat and blow up,” the angel concluded in a mocking tone, the heavenly voice now replaced by a much more familiar voice.
She wished she could disappear. Turn herself invisible or just fly away or take herself a hundred million miles away in the blink of an eye to escape her embarrassment. In fact, the only thing stopping the mare from doing so was her knowing that it would only make things worse for her. All she could do now was just sit and wait for it to pass.
“I hate you.”
“Blasphemy!” the angel gasped. “How can you say that about a soldier of heaven? You’d better watch your behavior, missy. Don’t you know we’re making our list and checking it twice?”
“Discord…!”
In a flash of light, the pegasus vanished and was replaced by a draconequus lying in the grass, rolling back in forth in peals of laughter. Every time Discord tried to collect himself to speak again, he would take one look at Celestia’s face and collapse into laughter again. After what seemed like hours, the spirit could pull himself together enough to speak through his giggles.
“I can’t… Pffft… I can’t believe you—snrk—you really fell for that! Aahaaaha!”
Celestia decided she had enough. Carrying her head low to the ground, she sulked off. She had no sense of destination; she just wanted to get away from the snickering that was dogging her every step.
“A bolt of lightning and an angel from heaven? Celestia, can I come visit whatever fantasy world you live in one of these days?” Discord laughed as he wiped a tear from his eye. “Am I really that good? Or were you just playing along for me?”
“I hate you,” Celestia repeated passionlessly. She had said it so much by this point that it had lost all meaning.
“Why do you have to be so mean to your boyfriend?”
The deposed princess fumed. “You are not—! I would sooner—! Augh!” she grunted when she took one look at his smug grin at seeing her wound up again. “I hate you.”
“How can you say that when we’re so close to our twentieth anniversary?”
“You are a loathsome, wretched creature,” Celestia hissed. Had it only been twenty years? It felt like she had spent two hundred years enduring the spirit’s constant pranks and watching him turn her father’s stolen kingdom upside-down. That night when she and Luna fled Canterlot, she would have given anything to take her revenge on the beast that destroyed her life, but after just a year of living in hiding, Discord had found her. She and Luna tried to fight only to find that they were hopelessly outmatched. Since then, Discord had popped in on the sisters at least once a week to pester them, like he did with every other pony in Equestria, as Celestia and Luna researched every possible lead that would help them find a way to stop the lunatic’s mayhem once and for all.
Discord folded his arms and turned his nose up at the princess, feigning insult. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but—”
“PETRIFY!”
Celestia had to shield her eyes from the explosion of light that enveloped the draconequus mid-sentence. When the light had faded, all that was left of the spirit was a scowling statue. Her eyes snapped between the petrified Discord and her sister descending from the sky, wearing a golden necklace with a shining amethyst in the center.
“L-Luna!” the older sister cried as she galloped toward the night princess the moment she touched the ground. “I can’t believe it! You’ve done it! You defeated Discord!”
“Psh. No.” Celestia only looked on slack-jawed as Luna lifted a hoof and peeled off her face like a rubber mask, revealing Discord’s simpering head at end of the alicorn’s dark blue neck.
“You are so gullible, Celestia!” Discord cackled as shook his body like a wet dog, making the disguise fly apart like drops of water, though the jewelry remained. “It’s unbelievable! Twice! Twice in the same day! You’re just humoring me now, aren’t you? You’re so sweet~”
The draconequus’ tender expression didn’t even flinch in the enormous blaze that suddenly swallowed him. The princess of the sun ground her teeth, her eyes narrowed in pure hatred as she poured every drop of magic she had into reducing the menace into ashes. A click echoed from inside the inferno, and the flames instantly turned into confetti and streamers that scattered into the wind. Discord stood exactly where he had before, looking no worse for the experience, having donned a blue floral print shirt under the gold necklace, tacky sunglasses, and holding a coconut that he was busily chewing on.
“Are you about done?”
“Never,” Celestia spat. “Enjoy your games now, Discord. Because I swear on my father’s grave, one day I will find a way to stop you!”
“Oh, please, Celestia,” Discord said with a roll of his eyes. “If that was true, do you think I would ever allow that to happen?”
“You haven’t killed me yet,” she challenged. Discord paused for a few moments before removing his shades to glower at her.
“You’re a smart mare, Celestia. Would you like to learn something interesting?”
The alicorn said nothing.
“I’ll take that as a ‘go right ahead.’ I can change rearrange anything any way I please. The weather, the earth, time, life, death, everything you can see and can’t see. Even ponies.”
“You must be so impressed with yourself,” Celestia scoffed. She took a few jumps backwards when he extended his eagle talon towards her, pointing his index finger at her. She was not afraid of him trying to hit her—he never had before—or even just being touched. But she had seen him use that claw before. He had drained the life from a boorish colt who cussed at him, turning his coat to a muted gray and transforming the pony into a whimpering coward.
“Inside,” he continued, wiggling his cursed paw in her face, “and out. And I’m not just talking making a case of the pony pox go around or turning somepony into a screwball.” He paused at the word, though even he wasn’t sure why. He shrugged.
“I can reconfigure the musculature and bone structure of a pegasus. I’m sure you’ve seen that at least once. Just make those wings disappear, make that keeled sternum of theirs just a whole lot of useless tangled knots. I can snap my fingers and take away the very thing unicorns are named for. The finest surgeon in the world couldn’t amputate a horn as cleanly as me—if there were any doctors left, I mean. Leave the skull as smooth as a filly’s bottom.” As if to demonstrate, he rubbed the top of his own head, his horn and antler wiped away by his lion paw.
“And I’m even considerate enough to not leave any magic in them so they don’t get a big messy build-up and pop. Celestia, you look uncomfortable. Well, I’m glad. Because with all that in mind, ask yourself this.” The alicorn pulled away, but she was held still by his furry paw holding her face tight and forcing her to look into his blood red eyes. Her pupils shrank when she looked at him. For the first time in two decades, his lopsided eyes looked focused. He opened his mouth to speak again; his voice was barely more than a whispered growl.
“How hard would it be for me to remove a heart?”
Her mouth clamped shut and she remained stiff even after he released her. He regarded her for a few seconds before taking the gold necklace off of himself and draping around the stunned princess. She only moved again when the crass spirit slapped her flank with his paw, causing her to yelp in offense.
“Really keep that in mind next time you think anypony can threaten me, alright my pretty princess?” Discord cooed, everything menacing about him melting away in an instant. He continued to strut off and called to her over his shoulder, “I’ve got to be going now. I can’t spend all day goofing off, after all. I have a nation to run! You wouldn’t know anything about that, but it’s really serious business. Ta-ta, Tia!”
----------
True to his word, King Discord ruled Equestria unlike any leader before him. He did not delegate, or make any decisions on any issues, and seldom assumed any sort of command over the politics of the country; each town and city’s elected leaders handled every aspect of public life. Rather, it was the ponies’ personal lives that he was much more interested in. Either on an intimate, individual level or on a broad scale, the draconequus intervened in every subject’s life in some way or another, sometimes for the better but more often for the worse. It was not uncommon to see ponies with muted colors walking, hopping, or yodeling around towns, or acting completely nasty to one another whenever the king made an unannounced visit and found a pony to be unpleasant.
“They’re already no fun to be around,” he reasoned, “so what’s the harm in giving them a little extra touch of bad attitude. Hah! Touch! Do you get it?”
Equestria was a much different place, in more ways than one. Every sunrise brought a whole new world over the horizon (and occasionally, a verizon, a vertical horizon that would hurt your eyes and head if you thought about it for too long). A blue sky was an occasional variety, as were regular weather patterns and crop harvests; if a pony was lucky, they could bite into an apple and have it actually taste like an apple. Jelly roads were difficult to maneuver without some experience with skating, or at the very least peanut butter horseshoes to keep a pony’s hooves on the ground. It was necessary to keep a parachute handy by the front door in the always possible scenario that you wake up with your house above the clouds.
The greatest disturbance was possibly Discord’s “shift storms.” Roaming clouds of pulsing magical energy that would list aimlessly across the nation. There was never any stopping them—all the begrudged ponies could do was to make sure that they weren’t in the middle of something important when they came around. The storm clouds would arrive over a village or even mostly uninhabited area, and explode with a powerful wall of magic in every direction. Every individual afflicted would find themselves either missing or sporting some new accessories: pegasi might see their wings being worn by an earth pony, and a unicorn would have lost their magic to a former pegasus (who would generally immediately attempt to levitate themselves to replicate the sensation of flying, but all any ever managed to accomplish was bruising their stomach).
Some ponies had the good fortune to occasionally be given both wings and a horn, and let their new traits go straight to their ego. These ponies were greatly frowned upon by the pony community as a whole.
It was always an unforgettable day when Discord himself made a personal appearance to give a village his undivided attention, playing tricks and concentrating all his havoc on the unlucky ponies until he got bored. The length of the visits were never certain, like everything else in his kingdom; sometimes he would amuse himself for an entire day, though it was not unheard of for the draconequus to stay for less than a minute. The rumors went that the spirit would arrive with his usual bravado and flair, begin a speech he had prepared only for something in the town to catch his attention and disturb him enough to make him vanish, doing little more than leaving behind a jelly bean rain. It became a local legend that King Discord feared the color purple, a claim that was not entirely supported by his penchant for painting the moon a rich shade of violet on the nights it was not made of cheese.
From time to time, the monarch would open himself for questions and pleads for boons. The old monarchy would have called it holding court; he liked to think of it as getting in touch with the peanut gallery. The most popular requests were for plain water and food that didn’t protest the injustice of being jailed in greenhouses. But without fail, one individual, some sad mare who was at her wit’s end or stallion who was trying to keep a grip on reason would always ask the same question: Why?
And the answer would come eagerly, for Discord always loved to say it.
“If you can't join them, beat them.”
----------
“Are we all here?” a gruff stallion dressed in ragged clothing asked.
“Yes, Ore Breaker,” a slightly less gruff pony wearing slightly more ragged clothing answered.
“Good. Then we can begin.” The stallion exited the small room and took center stage of the meeting hall for the gruffest and most ragged resistance movement in Equestria: Cressida’s Knights, lovingly named for the deceased queen of the moon. (The original idea had been to name the group after the passed sun king Equinox, but the group reconsidered when they considered the possibility of vengeful spirits returning to Equestria during a particularly paranoid assembly. The general agreement was that the queen would be much more forgiving for any failures performed in her name than the violent warhorse would be. [A second proposed alternative was “Churney’s Bakers.” The name was considered for a fairly long period of time before it was scrapped for sounding as intimidating as a purring kitten.])
“Listen up, you mugs!” Ore Breaker shouted, immediately silencing the sizable mob of ponies that formed the resistance. “You all know the reason we’re all here!”
“I’m here because I was told there would be complimentary refreshments,” a voice from the mob called to a murmur of agreement.
“That was a lie. But the real reason you’re all here is to liberate Equestria from the control of the beast! End the reign of chocolate!”
“End the chocolate rain!” came the response.
“That’s right!” Ore shouted. “We have suffered under the false king for too long! Where are the green fields we grazed in as foals? Where are the blue skies we thrived under? Where is the peace of mind? Where are the days that stayed as days until it was time for night? Where is Equestria?!”
“Here!”
“That’s right! Here, in the souls and hearts of us all! And together we—”
“That big snake flew into Neighvada last week and started messing with my friend Patty’s neighbor’s cousins’ children!” a mare cried up. “He started poking them on the head when they tried to fight him off, and now their youngest won’t stop crawling on the ceiling and her sister is positively wicked!” The mare’s outrage was received with a few scatterings of polite applause and mild support.
“Er, right,” Ore Breaker cleared his throat, “as I was saying, we will return to a day when the rivers ran clean, instead of just running away! Losing a pillow fight won’t mean getting pummeled by a cushion! An—”
“And pigs will stop lording it up about how they got wings now!”
“Don’t start going after the pigs, it’s not like they did anything wrong!”
“They could just not rub it in as much, that’s all I’m saying. Or at least not fly over my house when nature calls!”
“Leave the pigs alone, Pine!”
“What are you, some kinda swine sympathizer?! They gave me the flu just last month! I thought I was going to die!”
“You can’t catch a flu from a pig. Can you?”
“You can so!”
“Because of Discord!” the rebellion leader shouted, trying desperately to retake control of the situation. That seemed to do the trick for the time being. “The pigasi are being used as part of his diabolical schemes and biological warfare! Soon, he’ll come for your children and make them carry the cutie pox! Our drinking water will be spiked with love poisons!”
“Pigs will have the run of the place!”
“I say we stop him before he gets the chance!” Ore bellowed. The crowd went wild, stomping their hooves chanting for the death of Discord.
“Rush the castle! Storm the gate! Find the beast! And take his h—”
The stallion’s eyes bulged in a very un-gruff manner when the door on the side of the stage that was never there before swung open, and a draconequus absentmindedly strolled into the room holding a toothbrush in his mouth, with a pink towel tied around his horns and one around his waist. The rest of the crowd was deathly quiet as the object of their hatred began to stir from his deep thoughts and look around in mild confusion at his surroundings.
“This isn’t my bathroom… is it?” Discord asked, though he already had a very good idea about the answer. “Sorry, I could have sworn… Anyway, so what’s new with you all? …Yeah, I think this is embarrassing for us all. So, I’ll let you guys get on with your meeting. Rah rah, go team, and all that. And I guess I’ll see you around? You guys were trying to look for me, right? No? Okay…” he said softly as he shuffled back towards the door he entered through. “Awkward.”
The door slowly squeaked shut and Cressida’s Knights stayed in silence, save for one who angrily grumbled, “…I bet you the pigs sold us out.”
----------
“Critter role call!” Discord shouted to a small gathering of creatures that were bizarre even by Equestria’s standards. In his hands he held a checklist and a pen, and he wore a pair of half-moon glasses on his nose. “Call out if you hear your name. Bunyip?”
“Here.”
“Kappa?”
“Here.”
“Heeu—I can never pronounce this right—Hyumin?”
“Out sick.”
“He would be. Zone Eater?”
The ground underneath them rumbled terribly.
“Just say ‘here.’ No earthquakes, thanks. Platypus?”
“Rgrgrggg.”
“Can the dirty language. Kelpie?”
“Here.”
“Jersey Devil? Jersey Devil? Where is the Jersey Devil?” Discord asked, impatiently stomping his foot.
“He’s in Jersey,” a troll answered.
“Well where’s that? Oh the heck with it,” the draconequus swore as he threw the pen and paper to the ground, both exploding on contact. “You know what they say about the best laid plans. Organization, bleh. Harpy, was the town evacuated?”
“I was able to convince them to leave,” the hag replied.
“Wonderful. Alright, fillies and gentlecolts, let’s hear a warm round of applause for the awe-inspiring mob squad!” Discord called to the empty town below him. “How then, my beauties, don’t forget that tomorrow is pay day, so let’s earn those bits! Tear it up!”
The horde charged on the empty town and turned the town to rubble in a matter of minutes. Brick by brick, home by home, the creatures gleefully worked to demolish and deconstruct everything in sight (for the sake of thoroughness and simple pleasure, a gnome with a red conical hat tore apart every garden he laid eyes on).
Once the last of the buildings had crumbled, the goons were encouraged to flee the area by the violent quaking that knocked them off their feet. The last of the werewolves was able to narrowly escape being pulled into the swirling sinkhole that engulfed the ruined town, sucking down every building and tree like water down a drain, leaving only an enormous hole at the center of town. The hole quickly vanished as the Zone Eater ate that as well and disappeared.
When all was said and done, the town of Ponyville was no more, completely reduced to an empty plain. Discord always had the feeling that no town could last with such a boring name, and he couldn’t say why, but he always wanted to be the one who wiped it away.
The draconequus didn’t have much time to savor his victory before the heavy sound of tired hoofsteps caught his ear. He turned around with some interest to see a battered and old stallion wearing the old helmet of the Canterlot Royal Guard and glaring at Discord with unfathomable hatred.
Twenty years. For twenty years, the last of Equinox’s soldiers scoured the land as he hunted down his king’s assassin and the villain that tormented all of Equestria. He had journeyed high and low, waiting for the day he would finally corner the beast and give him a taste of what an old unicorn could do with his horn. His quest had stolen most of his life from him, and the challenges he had faced along the way would have been enough to kill any ordinary pony. But he had a mission to fulfill, to his king, his country, and his fellow soldiers who died battling the impossible monster. And now, here he stood, ready to die for his beliefs; chief among them was the idea that bravery could replace armor, and that anything would turn and run if you shouted loud enough.
“Time to die, foul demon!” the old soldier roared as he channeled all the magic he had left at his disposal to his horn in one final, glorious strike.
Discord held up a finger to silence the vindictive pony and used the other hand to open a pocket watch. A cuckoo impossibly sprung out of the small watch a few times before being sealed back in with a click, and the spirit’s face suddenly took on an urgent expression.
“Shoot, I’ve got to run. I’ve got another appointment I want to keep. Let’s pick this up again some other time. Just find me anywhere. Aloha!”
The old guard opened and closed his mouth a few times while he tried to come to terms with this grand, final confrontation that was meant to be the conclusion of his lifelong crusade.
“Son of a seapony!”
----------
In the senseless madhouse that was Equestria, rational thought had become an obsolete relic of the past. Few ponies put any faith left in the knowledge of the old world, but those who did clung to their memories of logic and coherence with all the strength they had in them.
Candle Dribbler was one of these last refugees of reason, a humble member of academia now the leader of a psychic resistance. Let the bumbling Knights try to reclaim the heart of the country. But would be through the strength of mind that Equestria returned to normalcy and order. And once the world was restored, he would receive the highest honors and accolades from the rightful rulers.
Oh, blessed Celestia. It was only because of her that the weary unicorn had been able to hold onto his sanity for as long as he did. She had found him by chance one day, and they immediately began to conspire to find a way to defeat Discord. This was no small goal, as the magic of every alicorn in history seemed to be nothing next to his powers. And so he turned his focus to discovering and researching powerful artifacts and long-forgotten spells that might somehow be able to nullify or drain Discord’s chaotic powers, or even find a way to cut through his seemingly impervious hide.
Every lead thus far had been a total flop. The legend of the mighty Excalibur, claimed to have the armies in its blade, had been the result of a long game of Chinese whispers. The truth of the matter, and even name of the blade, had been grievously mistranslated across time: Excalipoor couldn’t even prune a tree branch, let alone severing a draconequus’ head. The fabled Whip of Ares was raised against the Spirit of Chaos, and was soon repurposed into the world’s most powerful jump rope. When Celestia rode out to battle against Discord while wearing the mythical Soul of Thamaresa, a mighty gem crafted from the heart of Starswirl the Bearded himself by eight hundred and eighty-eight unicorns, and managed to only stub his toe. The Soul of Thamaresa was then ground into a fine dust and sprinkled on a stack of flapjacks.
He had particularly high hopes for a set of six gems, prized by the Diamond Wolves for their purportedly magical qualities and thought to have been the embodiment of the strength of Equestria itself. After a series of sieges against the Diamond Wolves’ underground cities in search of the gems, Candle Dribbler, Celestia, and Luna were flabbergasted to learn that the Diamond Wolves only thought the jewels were magical because they were “very shiny.”
But despite all these set backs and stumbles, the three never once gave up hope for finding their key to victory. And it was that hope and tenacity that gave Dribbler the drive to spend countless nights pouring over a tome that had been discovered during a daring raid of Canterlot Castle, locked away in an iron chest deep under the floor boards of the royal library in the forbidden Starswirl the Bearded wing. He hungrily and painstakingly labored over every inscription, working to translate the archaic and complex old Equestrian language. He ran through every word dozens of times to ensure he never made an error in his translations; too important were the secrets of the text.
It had taken him a year to complete, working alone by candle light for sleepless nights and restless days, sacrificing his own body’s basic needs for food and water some days just to hasten himself. But at last, he had reached the final page, where one of the students of Starswirl had written the key to his legendary Polymorphic spell. Even the ancient wizard himself only used the spell once himself because he feared its power so much.
This… was… destiny.
He levitated his quill and madly scratched out the incantations to what would be the doom of the wicked draconequus once and for all, eager at not just the promise of saving Equestria, but recovering long lost knowledge.
Always... drink... your... Ovaltine...
“Wh-what?! What does that mean?!” Candle Dribbler cried, glaring at the cover of the tome where the idiotic student of the great unicorn had penned his name.
“Dr. Iscod, I trusted you!”
-----------
Discord surfaced from the center of a great ocean, gasping for breath. He snapped up an inner tube in the shape of a cheerful yellow duck as soon as he recovered, and slapped the side of his head until a rolled up piece of parchment dropped out of his ear. He scraped the few crumbs of earwax off and read the list.
Cold fusion
Dinosaurs
Perpetual motion
Blue whale naughtiness
World hunger
Gingers; souls?
The first three items on the list were crossed off. He licked his talon and scratched off “blue whale naughtiness” with great satisfaction.
“Another one of life’s mysteries solved! And now to keep it a secret forever. Heheh. Whale watching is more fun the way I do it.”
-----------
“Seventeen.”
“Nice to see you too,” Discord greeted the pegasus that was pacing back and forth on an upside-down chalkboard floating in the air.
“Fifty four!” the pony roared.
“Hey, no need to be mad at me. This is what you get for calling yourself a ‘mathemagician.’ Hubris never leads to anything good. But tell you what, you’ve been doing this for a week, so I’ll cut you a deal. Just say numbers are stupid and I’ll undo it.”
“Twenty nine! Five! Eleven hundred!” the pony chattered desperately, his eyes sparkling at the promise of undoing his curse.
“Well, I commend you for sticking by your beliefs," Discord shrugged before vanishing.
----------
“Sorry I’m late,” Discord said as he appeared sitting cross-legged on a tree stump. The rest of his company was sitting in similar positions on the other trees in the forest clearing. “I’ve had a crazy day today. What was it you wanted to discuss today, your highness?”
“We wish to become an independent nation,” the leader of the group announced, brandishing his scepter proudly as he spoke.
“Ha! Good one,” the spirit chuckled. His expression dropped when he realized that none of the others shared his humor. “Wait, you’re serious? Oh wow. No. Wow, no.”
“Why not?”
“Because you’re a bunch of squirrels!”
“That’s speciesism!” the king of the squirrels shouted. He dove at Discord, assaulting him with acorn scepter.
“I’m not having this conversation right now,” he sniffed, rising to his feet and throwing the squirrel off of him. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a funeral to attend.”
----------
Horses with particularly long faces were gathered around an old blue pegasus lying on her death bed. The old mare’s loving family were standing loyally by her side, hanging on her every word. Stallions were dressed in somber black jackets, mares were in black mourning dresses. Discord was wearing a wacky tacky purple top hat and a lemon yellow jacket.
“Am I too late?” he asked as he barged through the door. The family gathered around their grandmother protectively, but were parted with just a flick of a lion paw. “Relax, I’m not going to do anything to her that nature wasn’t going to do. I’m just here for the show.”
“What show?” the eldest son grunted.
Some believed that the world actually came alive under Discord’s rule, and that it had a wonderful sense of dramatic timing. If a villager wanted to warn a traveler about a haunted estate, lightning would always crack when he pointed to “…the CASTLE!” Someone had better be telling the absolute truth if they tried to defend themselves by challenging God to strike him down if he’s lying. And only the suicidal would ever say “What could possibly go wrong?”
And right on cue, the old mare suddenly began to kick and spasm. Her body was completely covered by a golden flame that burned her away. At the climax, the golden ball at the center of the blaze exploded with a burst of energy that threw the family to the wall, leaving only Discord to proudly look over the blue pegasus filly that was crying in her bed. Her wails stopped when he pinched her mouth closed for a few seconds and grinned at the foal.
“No more tears now. After all, you’re still in the most wonderful place in the universe.” With a snap, Discord and the filly were miles above the house, straddling a giant penguin like a steed. With a kick of his spurs, the penguin mooed into motion and began to soar through the sherbet clouds, letting the wide-eyed foal stare down at the colorful wonderland below her. Her attention was stolen by a low voice breaking into a swelling harmony.
Welcome to my kingdom.
Welcome to my land.
Welcome to the empire that only I command~
The penguin veered down to coast above the gingerbread rooftops, letting Discord wave to the ponies going about their daily business as well as they were able.
Dystopia, my utopia!
My favorite place to be!
Dystopia, my utopia!
Where it’s all for one,
And that one is me!
Discord jumped from his steed to grabbed onto a street sign with constantly shifting signs, dangling euphorically on the pole.
From Discord boulevard
To Discord avenue,
All landmarks and roads and parks
Are named for me, not you!
In a flash, he was back with the clapping foal. He held her tight and jumped through a cloud. They tumbled out of a hole in the sky over Ploughmouth, which looked like an abstract painting of a lunatic’s mind: in short, the chaos capital of the world.
“You know, when I first came along, this was just a one-pony town. But now it’s…
Discopolis, megalopolis!
My untamed legacy!
Discopolis, there’s no stoppin’ us!
“Is that a word?
It is to me~
Discord turned his tail into a lasso and threw it out of sight. He tugged it back in an instant, dragging a kicking and screaming Celestia by the leg and dangling her upside-down.
Some have tried to run and hide,
But they just can’t break free.
Discord grabbed Celestia’s cheek and smiled serenely at her.
They say it’s wrong, but they’ll hum along
To a song in the key of me!
Down in Discopolis, every pony came sashaying from their doors in perfect synchronization, dressed in shimmering suits and hats and singing in harmony.
Welcome to his kingdom!
Welcome to his land!
With one victorious toss, Discord threw the giggling foal into the air to place his paw on his chest and stretch his talon up into the air.
Welcome to the empire that only I command!
The instant he finished the song, he realized his mistake. Flapping his wings with all the strength he had in them, he dove towards the ground, anxiety clouding his thoughts and stopping him from simply using magic. He reached out in the air just a second before crashing to the ground. He tumbled on the plaid, syrupy landscape for several dozen feet curled into a wheel, clutching his arms tightly to his stomach. Once he finally stopped, he collapsed on his back, satisfied to see the pegasus crawling on his stomach gleefully. He tapped the pony on the nose gently before dropping his head onto a pillow bush.
“Phew… Heh. Dystopia.”
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658010 Oh, hello again!
I just wanted to say I started reading this many months ago. I lost interest after a while, but I must say, the writing is amazing!
Wait, where's Screwball?
When I first saw the pic I was like "Oh god did one of my few story readers copy off of me?!"
But this seems legit, and people seem to love it, so I'm gunna try and read it.
Hey, TheManWithTwoNames, would you give me a review of my story, A Forgotten Power? It has Discord in it, but the main character is Screwball
~M
I always wondered about the disco world, this seems to be pretty dang fitting me
gusta 
Wow, nicely done chaos. And yes, Chaos is actually easy to screw up.
Hahahahahaha!!!
Wow, you really did spend time on this, even though it's the second shortest chapter! It would be awesome to see an animated version of this!
Apparently, Discord wasn't evil when he reigned either. Cheering up that poor filly and then saving her like that..
Oh, and I noticed what you did there with Ponyville. I remember in one of the comments someone stated that one later episode showed that Ponyville was created during Celestia's reign. So you destroyed it so it could be rebuilt later! :) The level of consistency in this fanfic is amazing!
Though... I couldn't help but wonder about Screwball during the entire chapter... and how he forgot her... hmmm...
'Till next chapter!!! :D
690500
I'm glad you gave me a second chance. I guarantee you'll not be disappointed!
690524
Who?
690846
691068
This is really only a glimpse of our discordant dystopia~
We're only two-thirds through, and the rest takes place during the real exciting part of Discord's reign.
691511
I had it planned when the chapter was written first just in case there was some different canon later in the season. It was getting destroyed one way or another. But really, Ponyville, such a blah name. It had it coming, really.
691756 I didn't.
"God herself"
Implied Faust? Also, nice touch with the angelic Surprise.
Wonderfully horrible work. It is a dystopia. Not even Discord's happy. He just doesn't know it.
Oh, and I'd be happy to help with the T-shirt thing, but I've got an extraplanar invasion of Equestria to plan out, subvert, and invert. Plus, I may have given Pinkie too much fourth wall awareness. Long story. Suffice to say, I've got my hands full.
I love this story.
691756
That song! Oh, I couldn't stop smiling! The words, the choreography what with the filly-juggling and the Discopolis Dancers, whoosh!
Though shorter than other chapters (for YOU anyway, no complaints), the dialog and circumstances (long live the mighty Squirrel King!) really brought back that lovely comedy that we haven't seen for a little while - you also notably ramped the hilarity to maximum levels! Wonderful!
Can't wait for more, as always!
I kind'a missed "Nope, Chuck Testa. Who is that anyway?".
And the People's Front of Judea called. They need their copies of "Life of Brian" back or the whole thing will turn into a comedy.
This entire chapter was enjoyable and hilarious.
I think my favorite part was the Ovaltine. Classic.
1198637
Frankly, I'm surprised that was the only modern culture reference I put in this chapter.
Ezma-opolis my Metropolis much?
The Emperor's New School.
1256619
You just won your motherfuckin' googly-eyed self an internet!
I really thought I'd be able to get away with that one, too.
Were you at least a bit surprised
When angels spoke your name?
They said it's you
Who puts the gravity in the ground
They said it's you
Who all the stars revolve around
Scientists were wrong
And you suspected all along it might be true
The world belongs to you
Sneaky.
1573527
The original plan was to have the Angel sing more of the song as a way to mock Celestia, but I thought that would be over-doing it a bit.
Nice catch!
I'm finally getting back to this. I fell off for a while but now it's time to finish what I started.
It's really sad how much Discord tried to make things work and just as sad how things fell apart. When he thought he had it all figured out, the other spirits had to ruin his plans. And now he's where I was hoping not to see him, even though it was an inevitability.
Even after all these months, I still remember the goings on's of this tale. Now I will see how it all ends very soon.