Head Full of Cotton Candy

by TheManWithTwoNames

Chapter Four

Head Full of Cotton Candy

A “My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic” fanfiction

By TheManWithTwoNames

I do not own any of the characters contained in the following work. “My Little Pony” and all subsequent properties belong to Hasbro and Lauren Faust.

“The Blah Story” belongs to Nigel Tomm and is a work of highest art.

I got a ransom letter in the mail today. It said that if I ever wanted to see my T-shirt again, I would bring $10,000 in unmarked bills to the wharf by the end of the month. Anyone want to help pitch in? It’s a really rad T-shirt.

---

‘I think that went well,’ Death said.

‘Show some respect--’

‘Respect for the dead, Sister?’ The formless consciousness that was the Spirit of Life did her best to glower at her callous opposite from across the limitless void the spirits occupied. ‘Oh, “the dead”,’ Death continued, a tone of conniving whimsy in his words, ‘Now that is a phrase I never expected to use in reference to one of us. It tingles the senses.’

‘Death, contain yourself,’ Time spoke firmly, though his voice remained passionless as ever. ‘Brothers, Sisters, we are presented with a quandary. To walk among the mortal coil to confront our wayward brother we must accouter ourselves with flesh and blood in forms bestowed to us by Sister Life. But now we see that to do such is to make a grave risk of falling prey to the fleeting fragility of life. Sister Nature had been slain with the demise of her shell. This inherent danger to not only our very own beings but the balance of the planet we uphold has transformed this errand into a more dire situation.’

‘Not to interrupt what I am sure would be another one of your fascinating and enduring monologues, Brother,’ Life interjected, ‘but there isn’t need to worry. Nature is still very much alive. She is just going to... be a while until she is ready to rejoin us,’ she decided uncertainly.

‘I don’t understand,’ Harmony’s soft voice called up, echoed by a scoff from the grim spirit.

‘After our brother, erm, crushed her, she was scattered through her forest. She was in the process of gathering all of herself when he had stumbled across what she had assembled and... Well... Ate her.’ It was infuriating how Death could be so mirthful at the worst of times. ‘She is still in the forest, infused in every plant and animal inside, but she no longer has the power to form a conscious mind and return.’

‘So as far as we’re concerned, she’s dead, is that right?’ It was less of a question and more of a statement. Death could feel the other spirits observing him.

‘Please, Brother, there is no need to be so macabre,’ Love moaned, tangibly upset by the grim spirit’s speech.

‘No I think there is, and I think I will speak my mind.’ The coal black cloud drifted through the empty realm like an autumn leaf on the wind, floating over the remaining four with morbid amusement. ‘Because our two attempts at shepherding our brother has resulted in failure on Nature’s part and embarrassment on Love’s part. Frankly, if this gets any worse, we’re going to end up with one of those miserable worlds with those hairless monkeys.’

‘Excuse me? Embarassment?’ Love challenged.

‘The moment you entered that world you had every creature in sight fondling you.’

‘Yes, Brother, why was that?’ Life interjected.

‘I just did what I had to,’ the spirit said defensively. ‘My body felt so numb until I followed this instinct to spread my influence. The entire town was immediately covered in a cozy pink steam--’

‘Pink?’

‘Yes, pink. And then Brother came barging in like some tacky gray torch and ruined the entire mood.’

Away from the others, Death allowed his malice to quietly brew. How could he help it? All those ponies and other creatures drove him nearly to madness; all of them so saccharine sweet and innocuous, happy to wear their blinders and ignore how temporary they all were and snub the reality that was him. It was an insult to him every time he saw the world they had created for themselves, and the spirits they spawned whom he was begrudgingly forced to know as his siblings.

He had been so mighty in those early years, ruling alone with Life and Time; famine, disease, and bloodshed were plentiful and they all knew and feared him. And then in the blink of an eye, Love and Harmony had appeared and he felt himself weakening. As they cultivated the world, Nature joined their ranks and it spelled the end for him. As if to spite him, the creatures of Equestria unified in peace and togetherness.

There was no violence; there were no illnesses to cut a life comically short; there were hardly any dangerous encounters with the more savage beasts that roamed the world since the ponies were content to stay huddled in their quaint little towns and live their happy little lives until they simply reached the end of their time. And the ponies would grieve and it was delicious, but all too soon they would forget their losses and his existence and it would be over.

But now for the first time in centuries, he had someone on his side. This new spirit who brewed discontent and ill-will had sparked the greatest war he had ever witnessed, made every citizen of Equestria fear for their lives following the deaths of half the planet’s alicorn population, slain one of his own sisters, and above all else, reminded Death of what he truly was: he was not merely the incarnation of Death, but of Finality. The End of All Things. This was his destiny, and he would embrace it heartily.

Though, for dignity’s sake, he would not share his new full title with the others. He was not thrilled by the thought of being referred to as “Teat.”

He returned from his thoughts and returned to the other spirits who were all being regaled with Love’s fantastic and most probably enhanced recount of the strange colors and auras that filled the world. It seemed that when they walked the earth, rather than possessing an innate knowledge of when their influence was expanding or contracting as they did while in their natural state, the comprehension was achieved by appealing to the senses as a visible spectrum accompanied by a tactile phenomena in the presence or absence of their element.

‘I do pity Brother Chaos,’ Harmony sighed. ‘He spends all of his efforts trying to fill with the world with excitement and color, and all he sees is more gray.’ There was a prolonged silence in response to the spirit’s sudden expression.

‘Sister,’ Time said with a tone that threatened to show some sign of emotion, ‘did you just refer to our brother by a name?’

‘Yes? Why?’

‘So you’re telling us that you knew what he was the regent of this entire time?’ Love asked with unmasked suspicion.

‘He is the Spirit of Chaos, yes. I thought that we were all aware. No...?’ The colorful spirit seemed to wane to match her meekness.

‘Have you not paid any attention to a word we’ve said in these last cycles?’ Death growled. It didn’t matter to him if she was keeping information from them, he did not need to know more than he already did about their brother, but it still drove him to madness when he felt that he was being ignored.

‘You know I don’t like to listen to you when you’re all shouting with each other,’ she responded with a sad warble in her voice. ‘There’s no need for you to all get angry with me.’

‘Sister, our frustration is because this information could have helped us resolve this problem from the start and would have saved us the loss of Nature,’ Life said, speaking more sensitively but maintaining her sternness. ‘If we had known he was your opposite, we could have had you put a stop to him when you were still vastly more powerful.’

‘It is your duty to subdue Chaos and protect the world from any further disruption,’ Time said.

‘I couldn’t!’ Harmony gasped.

‘In that case, I suppose I can take one for the team and go again,’ Love declared, only to be immediately and curtly reprimanded by Life.

‘Sister Harmony, why is that?’ Time asked.

‘It’s simply my nature. I can’t do something to stop him or fight him if he doesn’t want me to. I can only give him the opportunity to stop.’

‘So, that’s three useless siblings,’ Death said in a perfect recreation of his usual detached grouse. ‘I think that means I’ll have to visit him next, then.’ If the spirit had a body he could never have hid his gossamer grin.

----------

The forest was not quite as frightening in the light of day, Screwball admitted to herself as she walked through the jungle. Well, it seemed like a jungle in some places, with low-hanging vines, palm trees, bamboo shoots, and a humidity that made her mane explode into a frazzled mess. Then it would change so subtly she could never be sure precisely when it happened, and the pony would find herself surrounded by oaks and pine trees and maple leaves with tall brown and orange grass that crunched underfoot, and then she would nearly stumble into bramble bush wound around a cactus. All around her, the animals of the forest were engaged in a symphony of caws and howls and, most unnervingly, loud volleys of “Ni!”, among other equally unwelcoming sounds. It was as if the entire area was filled with every plant and beast one could imagine of all squashed into the same place.

And that was to say nothing about the disaster zone that the forest had become overnight as a result of Discord’s late-night mischief. She chose to remain silent about her disappointment when she saw that the draconequus looked sorry enough on his own, though she would give him a disparaging glance now and then to make sure her point got across. Screwball was beginning to grow concerned over Discord’s recent behavior; she had learned to tolerate him when he would turn a wildflower into a lollipop on a whim or stick a bird in a soap bubble as a joke, and would even share in his laughter from time to time, but those instances had all been harmless. And if she ever thought he went too far, she would always reprimand him and he would begrudgingly submit and abstain from any magic for a while after.

But ever since Manehattan with Dusty and his family and their house, she had been worried over how long she would be able to keep the draconequus in check. He had created an entire castle out of thin air to crush that wolf, and, granted, she had been trying to kill them and she was thankful to be alive, but as she was tossing in bed inside the fortress, she wondered if he had done it just to make the most out of the opportunity to do as he wanted. And once she had fallen asleep, Discord had sneaked out into the forest and acted like a child throwing his toys around a room.

‘“Child.” That one idea is making everything so much more complicated than it already was.’

‘But that’s what he really is. He’s practically an infant, he doesn’t know any better,’ another side of her argued.

‘And so now we’re going to be a mother, are we?’

‘No. Not us, just me.’

‘We know we can’t let somepony into our life without getting our heart broken. That’s why it was always just us.’

‘Well I’m sick of it!’

“Screwy?” a thick voice called uncertainly. Screwball realized that she must have been scowling again. Her face automatically shifted into a goofy shape, crossing her eyes and letting her tongue hang loose from a dopey smile. The jester turned to her worried king and his worried expression immediately shattered against an outburst of delight from both of them.

Her fears once again banished to lurk in the dark corners of her mind, the pony collected herself and donned the air of propriety she had worn as Savoir Faire. “Now then, I think it is time to continue with your lessons.”

“Wha? Ahh! Okay, you got me,” Discord chuckled.

“I am quite serious.”

“I am too! That was funny!” Discord’s smile faded after a few seconds and his eyebrows twisted in confusion. “You’re serious? You’re seriously serious? I thought that I didn’t have to do those anymore since you said you aren’t a real royal advisor.”

Screwball did not so much as blink in reaction to the enormous gray face that was suddenly pressed up against her own in defiant challenge. “I am still responsible for you, and you are not allowed to go to any more towns until you have had your lesson.”

The draconequus grumbled and pouted for a few seconds before giving in and dropping onto his rump with an indignant “hmph” and slapping his tail noisily against the ground. Before Screwball could say a word, Discord suddenly sprawled himself on the grass on his back with a loud moan, only to start wiggling his arms and legs for a few seconds and shift onto his side, then his stomach, then onto his other side, then his back again, and back on his rear.

“Sit still.” To her relief, the antsy spirit immediately halted at her command and turned his attention to her. “Now tell me the Virtues of Sovereignty.”

“Loyalty, magic, generosity,” Discord recited tiredly, “positivity... Um... Truth... And...” He gave an embarrassed chuckle and compressed himself into a pathetic hunch.

“Benevolence,” Screwball completed. “You really should know them all by now. But I’m glad you brought up Loyalty first, because that is what I’d like to talk about for today. Tell me what Loyalty is.”

The spirit looked contemplative as in his mind he was frantically trying to arrange his messy thoughts into something coherent, only for the words to slip out of his grasp the second he caught one, like a doorknob made of soap. Oh but wouldn’t that be funny to try some time? He caught an impatient look from his instructor and felt helplessly compelled to open his mouth and go with whatever alphabet soup words poured out.

“It’s like doing something you said you would do? So if you told somepony you would do something for them, you would do it instead of doing something else or doing something else for somepony else?” Nailed it.

“That is part of it,” Screwball said with a gentle nod. “But you already showed that you know more about it than you said.” She privately grinned at the curious look she received. She had been thinking about it since the morning and was proud of herself for what she had come up with. Plus, there was something cute about the way he would always over-exaggerate every facial expression.

“Loyalty can also mean putting the needs of others over your own desires. Do you remember yesterday when you were fighting with the wolf and she attacked me?” Discord’s lip trembled imperceptibly at the memory. “You threw yourself on top of me to save me, despite knowing you would be hurt. That’s called sacrifice, and sometimes a king is required to make personal sacrifices for his subjects. Do you understand?”

“I think so.”

As simple as flipping a switch, Screwball returned to her more casual demeanor, completely discarding any traces of solemnity she had displayed just seconds ago. “Then I think that we’re finished for today.”

“Does that mean we can go back to Ponyville now?” Discord asked, his wagging tail slapping against the ground in excitement. She hesitated in her response. After their last visit, she wasn’t sure if it would be wise to try to introduce the village to the new king of Equestria so soon. But the draconequus’ social skills had certainly improved since that first day, however small the change might be, and with luck, they might have scared off any more of Discord’s psychotic ‘family’ long enough to have a pleasant visit.

After a few seconds of consideration, Screwball decided that going to Ponyville was not the smartest choice of action. But it wasn’t an astronomically catastrophic choice, either.

“If you feel ready for it, I suppose we could.” She couldn’t help but beam when the overjoyed creature flew into the air with a proud cheer, but a sudden thought stole away some of her confidence. “Hey, Discord, could I... can I still take you up on your offer from last night? For a new set of robes?” The spirit cocked his head to the side in intrigue. “Just for appearance’s sake, is all. Just so they remember to listen to me when I talk.”

----------

After another half hour of trekking through the disorienting forest, the pair finally escaped from the umbrageous shade of the trees to find themselves standing at an outside border of Ponyville. After much insisting, the freshly redressed Screwball convinced Discord of the necessity of entering the town through a main entrance by stressing the importance of ceremony and how dubious it would be for two strangers to emerge from a forest and claim to be their rulers.

The two circled around the edge of town toward an entrance; Screwball kept closer to the concealing wall of buildings that formed a wall between the forest and the rest of the village, giving the woods a trustless glance now and then in case some new predator might suddenly lunge out from hiding at the happy spirit bouncing just a few steps behind her.

To the pony’s relief, no ferocious beasts with great, slobbering mouths and blood-stained nails came howling from the darkness to drag them away. She then prepared herself for the next danger to their health and safety: the town full of ponies who would undoubtedly run them out before she could convince them to recognize the intimidating chimera as their new supreme ruler.

“All right, no sweat, this will be fine,” she muttered to herself. “All I have to do is walk through the gate, announce the arrival of ‘King Discord, ruler of all Equestria,’” she practiced a pose and exaggeratedly waved a hoof to her side where Discord would be standing if he had not already rushed into the village. “Then he’ll give a speech while they all form a mob and -- oh, Discord, you should think about what you’re going to say. Discord?”

Screwball’s jaw might have hit the ground if she hadn’t sprung up into the air at the sight of the conspicuous creature drifting around the town with a childlike wonder at everything around him. On his first visit, Discord had not been looking forward to seeing Ponyville; now, he could barely even remember what had possessed him to think so poorly of it.

The village was absolutely gleaming in the sunlight. A soft yellow dome of light covered the town for as far as he could see and touched every last thing beneath it. Some houses were given shade by soft pink clouds that positively oozed tenderness, and gardens and fruit stands were glazed with a shifting green mist. Even the ponies who were too busy talking with each other to look his way shimmered with a rainbow light every so often.

Discord ignored the small chill and blinked away the colors. And to his building joy, just beneath the cover of the supernatural glows, the town itself was as vibrant as a rainbow. The town was completely exploding with life! He had never seen so many birds all in the same place when he was traveling, and all the ponies were so colorful, and all the buildings were so vibrant they looked good enough to eat, and would you just all the foals playing in the street, and the smell of fresh-baked pastries filled the air and caressed his nostrils, and oh my there certainly were a lot of ponies looking at him now. It was all so-- it was-- it was...

“Boring.” Discord frowned and considered the word that had formed on his lips all on its own. It seemed to fit. He didn’t like that it fit. And he didn’t like why he didn’t like that it fit. He would have liked to say that it was because Screwball would appreciate the town so he should appreciate it, too, but that wasn’t the reason. He simply didn’t like the town: it felt as if it was fundamentally wrong. And to only complicate things even more, it was the wrong type of wrong. It wasn’t the type of wrong he liked. It was bad wrong.

His brain hurt from the mental strain and he snapped his head around to spot the one pony he trusted to do his thinking for him standing at his side, struggling to look strong. He followed her worried glance and saw the crowd of ponies that had gathered so suddenly all regarding the two with unhappy faces.
.

“Who are you?” The question was posed by tangerine yellow stallion with an unkempt orange mane standing at the head of the mob.

Before the draconequus could say a word, Screwball had already started that loud shout he thought was funny. “Citizens of Ponyville! We present to thee thy glorious ruler, His Majesty King Discord!”

Discord simply could not grasp the point of the royal voice. Screwball -- well, she was Savoir Faire at the time -- said that the royals should project their voices so that there was no confusion for anyone listening that their words were of dire importance and unarguably true. She had gone on about some history about the voice, saying how in olden days, two royals who had a disagreement about an issue would continuously speak louder and louder in turn; the matter was settled depending on who ran their throat raw first or who went deaf first (the deaf individual obviously being the victor as they would have become invincible to the other’s argument). The practice eventually trickled down to common ponies and became the universally accepted method for settling an argument or impressing other ponies. (When he had asked why they said “we” and “thee”, she had told him to be quiet and finish his dinner.)

It was by that reasoning that Discord had concluded that the citizens of Ponyville were all deaf as they appeared immune to the purple pony’s announcement, which would certainly prove detrimental to his efforts to try to help them. He clapped his hands together twice and a large white cone appeared in his paw with a flash, the sudden appearance visibly frightening the crowd. Pressing a switch on the cone that caused it to crackle with an unpleasant electronic whine, Discord held it up to his mouth and shouted with all the power he could muster.

“Citizens of Ponyville! Do not be alarmed! I am here to end your suffering!” he shouted. The ponies all miraculously seemed to regain their hearing and wailed in response to the ear-splitting declaration. Screwball nudged the draconequus in the ribs and morosely took the megaphone out of his hands and placed it on the ground.

“How dare you!” the tangerine stallion shouted again. “Our king was a proud alicorn before some cowardly villain assassinated him! He wasn’t some ragtag... thing!” he cried, stomping a hoof on the ground in emphasis. This was echoed by a murmur of displeasure from the rest of the ponies, whose numbers had continued to grow. If the entire town was not there already, they would be soon.

“Fellow Equestrians, please! I served the royal family as their chief advisor for many years, and the duty fell to me to choose a new leader in the absence of an heir!” There was something about Savoir Faire’s voice that sounded strange to Discord. She sounded exactly like she had those first few days, but after the previous night he could not help but notice that the words lacked the genuineness she had spoken with in the castle.

The stallion did not relent, and instead only continued to shout back. “This whole world is going to the dogs!” A few volleys of indignant “yeah”s erupted from some of the ponies in the mob.

“The sun and the moon have been all screwy ever since King Equinox was murdered!” a mare from somewhere in the center of the crowd cried out. “It goes from day to night in a second and I can hardly tell the time anymore!” More rumbles of agreement.

“And we can’t forget that dag blasted forest that just sprouted out of the ground overnight!” an elderly pony rasped with a voice as shaky as the hoof she was trying to hold in the air. “Nopony has any idear about where it came from, and as if it weren’t enough of an eyesore, last night it goes all loopy and flipped itself all to damnation!” The rabble was growing louder.

“And then everypony all started acting all funny when that pink pony showed up,” a ginger filly piped up. The mob quickly grew silent and a large number of ponies lowered their heads after taking a sudden interest in their hooves. The filly looked around at the dumbfounded ponies with perplexity. “Did I say something wrong?” The filly’s mother sheepishly pulled her out of the crowd and the silence lasted for a few more seconds before the stallion at the front of the mob coughed meaningfully.

“Yeah! That creepy forest went crazy last night and the whole world felt like it was getting bucked in the head by Hayseed!” The pony nodded to a stallion who could have passed for a brick wall (mainly because no one in their right mind would dare to question the hulking pony). The imposing pony stepped forward to join the head of the pack, his front hooves twisted inward to point at his chest, and narrowed his eyes at Discord.

“An’ then this fella’ shows up an’ starts sayin’ he’s a king,” Hayseed added, speaking with a heavy accent that seemed to bizarrely only belong to him. “If y’all ask me, I think there’s somethin’ mighty fishy goin’ on.” The gargantuan pony intensified his glare even further, though Screwball was certain that the stallion’s eyes were actually closed by that point.

“Everypony, I beg you to listen to me,” the royal advisor strained, though her plea fell on deaf ears.

“And what the hay is that big guy supposed to be? Some kind of gobbledygook?” accused another voice from close to the front of the mob.

“I ain’t never seen nothin’ like him before!” Hayseed agreed, pointing an accusing hoof at the space a few feet to the left of Discord.

“No, no,” Screwball moaned weakly to herself as she reared onto her hind legs and waved her front legs toward the distempered mob in hopes of calming them. “Ponies, please! If you would just give me a minute to explain, I’d...” Her words died when she noticed the trio of colorful balls that were flying in arc around her head. The jester’s trained hooves had immediately begun to act through the motions of her most basic of tricks the second the balls had dropped into her grasp, and though she didn’t know precisely when she had begun her routine, she had a strong hunch about who had started it.

The rowdy mob was immediately silenced by the circus act that had spontaneously appeared before their eyes; some were simply baffled, others were mildly amused by the show, and more still were completely mesmerized by the cheerful little toys’ hypnotic dance.

“Is this some kind of avant-gard Germaney theater crock where a big whatchamacallit stands up an’ shouts at us, an’ they dress up a juggling mare in a bathrobe right next ta him after they grow this big ol’ forest a’ terror right behind the town, an’ then all the critters in there start howlin’ and cacklin’ like some half-remembered nightmare through a cracked window of regret? Because if that’s what the hay this is, I’ve seen it done better, I’m just sayin’,” Hayseed said dismissively.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Discord cheered enthusiastically, waving his paw which suddenly held a bowling pin. “There’s nopony better in all of Equestria than--” He threw the bowling pin into the air, which twirled slowly a few times before landing evenly in Screwball’s hooves for a moment before it was immediately tossed into the air again. Discord snapped his claw and a large banner appeared in a flash of light, bearing a picture of the purple pony’s smiling face with her name painted on either side of her.

“--Screwball the Magnificent!” Discord called in a booming voice as he made a grand sweeping gesture toward the pony. Screwball smiled nervously at the small round of applause some of the crowd reluctantly gave. “The undeniably, reliably magnificent!” the draconequus carried on, oblivious to the pleading grimace of the performer.

“She can’t be stopped!” Another snap and a flash and a table appeared a few feet away, carrying a large spread of apples, rubber balls, tomatoes, cabbages, and eggs. “Step right up and see for yourselves if you don’t take my word for it!”

To the surprise of everyone but Discord himself, a wide-eyed filly fearlessly slipped under the legs of the crowd and approached the stand. She happily received an apple and a gentle pat on the head and was ushered toward the purple harlequin. At the signal the enormous creature gave her, the little pony lobbed the apple into the air toward Screwball, who faltered for only a moment with the new challenge but soon regained her rhythm.

The juggler nearly dropped everything in alarm when a chorus of cheers and applause exploded from the crowd. She swallowed the kingdom-sized lump in her throat and relaxed her smile as a feeling of pride swelled in her chest; never since the day she earned her cutie mark had Screwball felt so appreciated. Even in her years in Canterlot Court, she was always either some short reprieve for the king and queen or some sideshow at a fair and was little more than scenery for the ponies there. And now she was entertaining entire villages! Sure, they were throwing things at her, but it was in the most flattering way possible. And she had been hoping for a chance to try out some new tricks she had been practicing.

Discord grinned as he watched Screwball hop between her back legs, kicking the balls back up in the air with the free hoof and catching them behind her back, only to toss them up again and bounce them off her tail. Even the little nip of frost that stung his tail couldn’t bring him down at the sight of his master plan coming together. All he had to do was pull on a little silver string coming from one of the townsfolk, and then the little filly was doing whatever he wanted! He made her play along with his act for Screwball, and then the rest of the town immediately calmed down and warmed up to them.

Well, they weren’t exactly as warm as they were before when they were all shouting at one another, but he was fairly sure things were going much nicer now. He only wish he could brag about it later, but he was pretty sure that Screwball would have some problem with his little trick with the pony, and after he was lucky enough to get away with his fun in the woods last night, he wasn’t feeling daring enough to risk getting in trouble again.

He cheered along with the crowd as they ooh’ed and aah’ed as the showmare balanced one of the balls on her nose. He leaned with smug satisfaction against the wooden stand as a few more children took some of the tomatoes off the counter and tossed them towards the jester for her to juggle.

“So I’m not being exactly honest,” he muttered to himself as he watched Screwball readjust to the new pattern. “Positivity was always my favorite of those virtues, anyway.”

“And now, fillies and gentlecolts, it’s the big finale!” the juggler cheered to the roar of the crowd. She tossed the balls and fruit high into the air over her head and fell back down onto her front hooves to look upwards. Her purple eyes opened wide as she began to scurry back and forth, stamping her hooves wildly on the dirt as she tried to reposition herself. The crowd audibly inhaled as the first tomato plummeted to the ground just a few feet in front of the mare. With a cry, Screwball dove through the air toward the descending fruit, only to land flat on her belly just an inch too short. The tomato splatted against the ground and covered the juggler’s purple face with red mush. The rest of the balls followed quickly after, the apples and rubber balls all harmlessly bonking her square between the ears in succession.

The crowd roared with laughter as the purple mare dizzily stumbled around for a few seconds before making a gracious bow, too overjoyed to even bother to wipe the tomato paste out of her face.

The noise was music to his ears. Discord’s eyes flashed with excitement and he vanished and reappeared in a flash behind Screwball, scooping up the surprised pony in his paw and tenting his talons.

“If you liked that, just wait until you get a load of this!”

----------

“That wasn’t really too bad,” Screwball said half-heartedly as she stoked the struggling fire. The crackling wood was the only sound that could be heard for miles around. The day was far behind them, though the sky was still trapped in a twilight purgatory that now matched the sullen melancholy of its master. “Things went pretty smoothly after stopped trying to act like royals.”

“I messed it up, didn’t I?” Discord asked after a long silence, his voice weary with dejection. The pony was silent for another minute as she kept an eye on the fire as she experimentally prodded it and added more fuel to the fire, too afraid to admit she truly didn’t have any idea how to keep it burning. And from a corner of her mind, a voice was adding the day’s catastrophe to the list of evidence that she was losing control of the spirit.

“Maybe next time ask me the next time you want to make it rain tomatoes,” she finally said. The draconequus puled sadly and buried his face deeper into his knees as he tried to make himself disappear and save the world the trouble.

Screwball gave the fire a hopeless look and gently moved next to the pathetic creature to rest a loving hoof on his back. She felt the muscles under his shaggy fur tense for a moment before responding to her touch. He turned his head just enough to look at her out of the corner of a watery ruby eye and see her consoling smile. Discord quickly hid his face away again with a loud sniff, trying his hardest to stay miserable in the face of the matronly pony’s unrelenting compassion.

“You made a mistake,” she said as she tenderly stroked his back. She smiled sweetly as she remembered those bittersweet nights when tender Nana would coo and caress her and keep her in the same way. It must have been easier for the old mare to hold her when she was a filly and small enough to curl up beside her, but the purple pony did her best to wrap around however much of the chimera’s body she could and nuzzled up against him.

“But that’s no need to worry.” As more of her departed caretaker’s consoling words returned to her, the more Screwball wanted to laugh along with the cosmos’ grand sense of humor. “Some ponies might say that it was a mistake for me to take you in. And I will never listen to them. Because sometimes...” She gave a peaceful sigh. “Sometimes life is about making the right mistakes.”

The pony’s smiling eyes met Discord’s enrapt expression and the two embraced lovingly for a few moments. Screwball pulled back when she felt a powerful shudder spread across his body and looked at him with motherly concern.

“You’re going to catch your death sitting out here. Why don’t you help me get the fire started?” Discord looked around her to see the sad campfire that was now nothing more than a measly pile of burnt twigs and ashen leaves.

“Just one thing we need to do first,” he replied, putting on a brave face to hide his fading sorrow. Before the pony could say another word, the draconequus snapped his talons and the two suddenly found themselves standing in a silver sailboat. The hull was as thin as silk and was delicate to the touch, but Screwball could tell at a glance that it was as sturdy as any vessel, though she could never explain why. The boat’s frame swayed and flowed as if it were being caught in a gentle breeze, and the single sail looked as though it was cut from the starry night sky itself.

The ship rose off the ground as gently as a feather and floated higher and higher off the ground with a graceful swiftness. The earth pony could only watch in awe as the world expanded beneath her. She had always been silently envious of unicorns and pegasi for their natural gifts of flight and magic; but now, as she looked out at all of Equestria spread out for her to admire, with its tranquil lakes hugging the borders of the charming settlements speckled across the land separated by sprawling pastoral fields and rugged mountains, she pitied the ponies who saw this daily and had the splendor of the sight stolen away from them.

But for her, as she sat in that flying ship with only the grinning spirit for company and looked at the wonderful little world, she swore to forever treasure this single most magical moment of her entire life and never forget it as long as she lived.

As long as she lived...

Screwball turned away from the perfect sight to look at Discord for a moment of unwelcome solemnity. Who knew how long he would live for? Centuries? Eons? He would outlive an ordinary pony a hundred thousand times over. Would she just be a tiny blip in his memory?

“I think I’m a little late with the moon tonight, Scroob,” the draconequus chuckled shamelessly as he tossed an onyx anchor at the ghostly satellite floating in the distance.

“Don’t worry about that,” she answered as calmly as she could. “Forget about all that,” she repeated more softly. “Forget about all the bad and the chaos… Just think about the laughter.”

Discord shrugged and began to pull on the anchor line to drag the moon into position for its nocturnal flight. As much as she would like to look back at the planet beneath her, the mare was powerless to take her eyes off of the busy creature standing just a few feet away. Her eyelids grew heavy and her sight grew dim as exhaustion finally claimed her, but she struggled to stay awake as long as she could until one final echo from her memory ushered her to rest.

“…and don’t forget about me after I’m gone.”

----------

The day’s walk away from Ponyville had been fairly uneventful outside of Discord’s usual magical antics. Screwball even allowed herself a few guilty indulgences and laughs when he offered her a wildflower he had turned into a simply delicious looking popsicle. The treat was more than welcome on the seasonably warm day, though she found the summer days much easier to handle now that Discord was more than happy to snap her up a new change of robes whenever she needed them, leaving her free to discard those horrible blue rags with extreme prejudice whenever the pair left a town.

Most of the day had been occupied by the draconequus’ juggling lesson after he had expressed such passion in learning. The pony could not deny that he had talent, but she was not sure if she could say he was improving at all. He would always start off shakily, but still managing to keep the balls airborne as he frantically danced and shifted underneath them. It was only once he began to develop a pattern that he would lose control and drop them all to the ground. Fortunately, Discord never seemed to be discouraged after his failures, and it was hard not to laugh when the balls would hit the ground and splat into gelatin or crack open and have a blue-jay fly out of it.

It was late afternoon when the pair came across a hotel standing on the side of the dirt road. Though “standing” may be a bit too generous. Screwball felt it was more accurate to say that the building was slouching. The roof was missing large patches of shingles, most of the few windows were either cracked or too covered in grime to see the cracks, the rotting brown wood was stained here and there by small stripes of yellow paint, and it looked as if the front door was about to fall off its hinges.

The door hit the ground with a sad smack and Screwball wondered if she had magical abilities before an agitated black-and-green striped pony wearing odd bands around his neck and hooves stormed out of the building and tried without success to lift the door back into place.

“How about a little help over here?” the pony shouted at no one in particular, relaxing slightly when the door lifted up on its own and dropped neatly back into its crooked frame. “About time, do you expect me to do everything around -- what’s hanh?” The pony’s yellow eyes opened wide at the sight of the freakish chimera leaning against the door.

“Another happy subject,” Discord announced proudly as he slapped his hands together. “Hey, I’ve never seen a pony like you before.”

“Oh. Eh, I am a zebra from far away. So let’s just leave it at that, okay?” the pony answered.

“I thought zebras were supposed to be black and white,” Screwball said suspiciously as she caught up with the two.

“I dyed it, toots, it’s all the rage. Back where I come from this is the latest craze,” the zebra said defensively, shaking a decorated hoof in her face and causing the various rings to jangle dully. She wasn’t able to get a good look at the strange jewelery, but she was certain that at least one of them were rings from a shower curtain.

“Well hey, it’s going to be dark in just a little time. Why not spend the night at my inn? I promise it’s fine!” The zebra demonstrated his point by pulling the front door off its hinges again and doing his best to keep his Cheshire cat grin. Discord gladly entered, only grunting as he caught his horns on the top of the door frame, followed by the much more cautious Screwball.

The inside of the inn looked as well furnished as the exterior, with the lounge looking as if it had been abandoned for years. Most of the furniture was a solid shade of ‘dust’, with some corners of the room decorated with spiderwebs that even the arachnids must have left unoccupied. The floorboards that didn’t squeak threatened to snap underfoot, though there were some tracks across the floor that looked like a pony and some lizard had walked through only recently, or, they had been there for a while and simply chose not to clean up. The couches and chairs in the sitting area either had their cushions torn off, de-stuffed, or had a metal spring poking out through them (those were the more comfortable options, as the rest had the seats completely rotted out from the chair). A dilapidated, disemboweled grandfather clock stood beside the untrustworthy staircase, its hands eternally frozen at 11:53. The front door slammed twice -- once when the zebra shut it, and a second time when the door hit the ground again -- and the innkeeper giddily scampered between the pair and dove over the counter.

“Welcome to the Grifter Inn,” he said proudly as he reappeared over the counter to grin at the pair. “We’re going through some... eh... renovations, but I promise, we’re still the best there’s ever been! So, how many rooms?”

“I actually think we should be going,” Screwball said pointedly as she tugged on Discord’s tail.

“Woah! Hey now, let’s not be too hasty. Why take your chances out there and sleep like bugs when you could spend a night in a bed, all nice and snug?”

“It looks to me like all the bugs are already in here.”

“Smart mouth,” the zebra grumbled before returning to his cheery disposition. “You’ve caught us at a bad time, and for that I’m real sorry. But I promise you’ll be happy here, or my name’s not Quaggari.”

“Come on, Screwball, this could be fun,” Discord said as he pulled his sore tail out of the pony’s grip. Screwball looked flatly at the pair of puppy-dog eyes for a few seconds before deflating and turning back to Quaggari.

“We’ll take a double,” she said expressionlessly to the grinning zebra.

“Well wait a minute, doll, are you sure a double is what you need? Because by my eye, it looks like I’m serving jabberwocky royalty.” The purple pony furrowed her brow at the slimy innkeeper. “I’ll give you a deal that’s really neat, and for half-off I’ll give you the bridal suite.”

“Fine. Whatever.”

Quaggari greedily clapped his hooves together, his gaudy chains clacking against each other unpleasantly, and slammed on the call bell more times than was probably necessary.

“Enough with the bell! I’m coming already,” a small, gravely voice shouted from upstairs, and the ceiling creaked with the sound of light footsteps moving closer. Quaggari panicked as a sudden thought crossed his mind and he hurriedly excused himself before stampeding up the staircase. Screwball twisted her ear to try to listen to the hushed, angry conversation, but was unable to understand a word of it. She turned her attention back to Discord, who had wandered over to the sitting area to examine the clay flowerpot that was filled with what must have been a lovely fern before it starved to death, before an urgent stamping of hooves brought her attention back to the panting zebra, who had once again taken position at the front desk.

“The bellboy will be right down. I just had to remind him about his manners around customers,” Quaggari explained.

“That didn’t rhyme,” Screwball challenged.

“Yes it did. Don’t be stupid,” he replied darkly before a slow series of footsteps caught the attention of everyone in the room.

The bellboy was small, about as tall as a healthy foal, though nowhere near as adorable. His skin was green and rough, though most of his body was covered by a green buttoned-up jacket. He wore black buckled shoes (though what purpose the buckles might have served was a mystery to the world) over his white stockings. Several sharp teeth poked out from between his scowling lips, and the entire affair was completed with a black bucket that was strapped on top of his head.

“I’d like you to meet my staff, O’Patsy. He’s a leprechaun all the way from Shetland, yes sirree,” Quaggari explained. Discord was fully impressed, however Screwball held some reservations.

“You’re not a leprechaun.”

“Sure I am. Hidey-hi and hidey-hoo, I’ll eat your dog and shine your shoes,” he sang mirthlessly as he danced what could loosely be defined as a jig.

“He’ll take your bags and get your room ready, and you can discuss pay with me,” the zebra explained, smiling a bit too wide at the word ‘pay.’

Discord looked around the room confusedly for a moment before looking at the grinning zebra. “We don’t have any bags.”

“Then what are you still doing standing around here? Get your diapered tush in gear and get their room ready!” the innkeeper shouted. The leprechaun manipulated his hand into an ancient Shettish symbol before trudging back up the steps, muttering a few words of equally authentic Shettish heritage as he went.

“They’ve got those tempers,” Quaggari said simply as he slapped a yellowed scrap of of paper on the desk and grabbed a pencil in a hoof. “But customers are always welcome! So the bridal suite is occupied,” he spoke to himself as he jotted down notes on the paper. “I assure you we have reasonable prices -- plus some little extras on the side.”

“Such as?” The royal advisor could already feel a hole beginning to burn in the royal coffers.

“Well the food is gourmet, so if you want to eat, you better be ready to pay. You gotta pay for any lice you take with you, and it’s extra for the mice--”

“This is just getting better and better.”

“--and it’s two percent for looking in the mirror twice,” Quaggari finished bitterly. “How about you just pay for the room now and we’ll figure out the extras tomorrow.”

“Fine. How much for the room?”

“Five hundred bits.”

“For a room in this dump? That’s outrageous!” The mare’s cry was cut off by the slap of a sack full of coins dropping on the counter before it was near-instantly snatched by the greedy stallion.

“This’ll do. Feel free to sit down, I’ll call you when we’re ready with your room,” the innkeeper said without ever taking off the bag he was coddling in his hooves.

“Do you have any books in this place?” Screwball was answered by a wordless flailing of a hoof in the general direction of the sitting area. She followed the arm to a long-forgotten bookshelf, and found with surprise that there was actually something on the shelves. Taking one of the books, she called Discord to sit next to her and cleared her throat.

“This book is called... ‘The Blah Story.’” The draconequus immediately chuckled at the title and the pony opened to the first page.

“Blah intimidated, they blah to blah blah, where blah and blah passed a blah blah. Blah little blah that blah blah one blah surprised to blah what blah their blah were blah.

‘I always blah a blah to blah a blah,’ he blah blah.

‘I like blah.’

‘You can’t be a babyoubiquitouseadogablahomeffectonightobyeassymmetri-cityowlablaheatenderopechoeslightlyuppiepitheturnsweetoastiedgedificexcre-tadamanterribleducatedrumustablahisisterealityearnobodyesirapacityounde-rstandoorbellicksensuousecretownevereadsimplelationatchomiciderectionabo-blahisuperediagramustolerate...”

Screwball stopped talking and stared at the pages with incredulity.

“I don’t think that this is the best book,” she said after a while.

All of the occupants of the reception area covered their ears in pain as an enormous chime like the tolling of a church bell exploded in the room. Screwball turned a pained glance at the grandfather clock, whose hands were now laced on top of each other and aimed directly upward.

“O’Patsy! Shut this damn thing up!” Quaggari shouted out, just barely remembering to complete the rhyme. “The clock keeps chiming and it won’t stop!”

“I already broke it for you when we got here, what more do you want?” came the shout from the angry weeman from the top of the staircase. The clock chimed several more times before the last sound died away with a hollow tone. The zebra tucked the bag of coins under one leg and stuck his head inside the body of the clock.

“There’s gotta be some speaker or something in here you missed,” he grunted as he scanned every inch of the dust-filled clock for some forgotten part, but coming up empty-handed.

“I have a bad feeling about this,” Screwball said timidly as she approached the other pair, making sure to keep close to Discord’s side.

“Ah, don’t be dingy. It’s not even really near midnight,” Quaggari dismissed as he walked over to the open front door. “See?” His confidence quickly faded when he was met by the absolute blackness of night.

“Discord, if this is one of your jokes, it isn’t funny,” the purple pony said, her words more hopeful than they were stern.

“It wasn’t me, honest.” Discord poked his head out of the door frame and scanned the night sky. “Hey! Somepony brought out the moon way too soon, too!”

The other three huddled around and looked up with growing dread as dark gray clouds parted away to reveal the full moon hanging in the direct center of the sky. The four flinched as an ear-splitting cry cut through the air, louder than even the grandfather clock’s deafening knells. An great black figure was silhouetted against the moon, flapping enormous wings with perfect regularity as it flew ever closer to the hotel.

“Patsy, there’s a back door in this place, right?”

Comments

[RTStephens]

I get the feeling that Harmony is going to be the one that ultimately creates the elements that seal Discord. And she won't like it.

Screwball's a crazy one. She can juggle and take a pie to the face like none other! I wonder if Trixie has inherited any of her bad luck...

Oooh, Death is next. This will be interesting.

[Kamineigh]

‘No I think there is, and I think I will speak my mind.’ The coal black cloud drifted through the empty realm like an autumn leaf on the wind, floating over the remaining four with morbid amusement. ‘Because our two attempts at shepherding our brother has resulted in failure on Nature’s part and embarrassment on Love’s part. Frankly, if this gets any worse, we’re going to end up with one of those miserable worlds with those hairless monkeys.’

A loud crash rang through the void, if it could.

Standing before all of the shapeless spirits was one spirit that did take form. I shone a bright, fiery blue and wore a long, flowing, red cape. It was truely massive. The spirits were puny compared to it. The behemoth was bigger than the entire fucking universe. It crossed its arms and glared down at Death from behind a set of angular, red sunglasses. It pointed at Death.

Death would've gulped if he had physical form. This giant was pants-shittingly terrifying. Time spoke with a trembling fear in his aged voice.

'The spirit that came before even I. The Spirit of Spiral Power.' Time shifted to Death's general direction. 'You just fucked yourself over. Badly.'

Spiral reached down and grabbed the puny wisp of black mist. 'WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE!?' Its many voices roared in hot-blooded, and undeniably manly fury. Death had to admit he'd gone a bit GAR for it, even if it threatened him with his end.

'JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TALKING ABOUT US HUMANS WITHOUT EVEN BOTHERING TO REMEMBER OUR PHYSIOLOGY?' The bigger-than-the-universe giant's voice gained another one over top of the others, this time much louder than the others, and like, ten times more hotblooded than the others. 'US HUMANS AIN'T NO HAIRLESS MONKEY! WE'RE A BUNCH OF APES, WITH THE SAME AMOUNT OF HAIR AS SOME OTHER APES. JUST NOT AS LONG. DO YOU KNOW WHY THAT IS!?'

Death shifted in such a way to implicate a so 'no'. The giant roared at him.

'BECAUSE US HUMANS ARE SO HOT-BLOODED THAT WE'D BURN UP IF WE HAD THICK FUR! THERE AIN'T NO WAY ANY LITTLE WISP IS GONNA MOCK US BECAUSE HE'S JEALOUS THAT HE WASN'T BUILT FOR BADASSERY FROM DAY ONE OF HIS MEASLY HALF LIFE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, YOU BOZO!? YOU AIN'T SHIT! YOU AIN'T NOTHIN' COMPARED TO THE HUMAN RACE! NOW YOU'RE GONNA FACE YOUR PUNISHMENT!'

Death felt fear unlike any he'd ever instilled in the mortals. He knew something bad was gonna happen. He just wasn't prepared for this kind of 'bad'.
The fiery blue giant lifted its hands to the sky and made a giant drill of the same energy that composed itself. And this drill wasn't some mammy-pamby hand-drill. This drill was bigger than the giant. The giant hefted the drill back with ease and then rammed the spinning tip through Death, completely and utterly annihilating the black spirit, leaving none of his essence behind as the drill tore the fabric of space-time and destroyed any hope of Death returning.

And that's how Equestria was saved. The rest of this story is a big 'What if Death wasn't bitchdrilled by Super Tenga Toppa Gurren Lagann?'

[TheManWithTwoNames]

643456
Great, now I've gotta change the ending or everyone will think I was stealing from you when the giant robot comes to save the future.

Thanks a lot, jerk.

[Poducken]

Heh... Homiciderection.

[TheManWithTwoNames]

1096926
FINALLY! Oh Lordy Loo, I thought no one would ever catch that! You fill my heart with rainbows.

[The Real McCoy]

Just so they remember to listen to me when I talk.”

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