Tales of Spoony the Bard

by sjosten

The Six Food Groups

Once again, the denizens of Ponyville have filed into their school’s auditorium to watch a play. A gray colt walks onto the stage, his head hanging low. He mutters something before speaking up.

“Hail and well met. I am your humble storyteller, Spoony, here to tell you of times past so that you may laugh, and perhaps… learn.”

“Today I am here to tell you a very important lesson. That lesson is, no matter what your theater teacher tells you, dressing Scootaloo like a chicken is a terrible idea.” Cheerilee gave him a death glare, prompting Spoony to get back to the actual performance.
“Ahem, anyway, what I’m really here to tell you about is the six food groups. First, and most important of the food groups, is vegetables.” Sweetie Belle walked onstage in a giant broccoli costume and a cape.

“I am vegetables. I am high in nutrients and Vitamins A, C, E, and iron. Ponies should have at least five servings of me a day. I am often found growing underground. Then… um… I push up with my big stalky things, and come above ground… so that’s why broccoli looks like a tree.” Sweetie Belle said with a big smile. Cheerilee and Spoony had different reactions, mostly leaning towards self-inflicted pain.

“Thank you vegetables. Okay, let’s try one that knows more about what they are, fruits!” Spoony said. Applebloom trotted onstage dressed as, what else, and apple.

“Howdy. I’m a fruit. Fruits are very good for y’all, as they contain large amounts of vitamins, minerals, and iron. Unlike vegetables, I grow above ground, which means I need to have seeds. Different fruits have different amounts of seeds. The apple, greatest of all fruits, has four seeds. Fruits, especially apples, can be turned into all kinds of products, such as: jams, ciders, jellies, preserves, pastries, juices, flavorings, some kinds of paints, fashionable earrings, and works of art. Our local grower, Sweet Apple Acres, has apples on sale for…” Applebloom said before being cutoff.

“That’s wonderful fruits, I’m sure you’ll give us the rest of the speech next time you’re out selling with your sister. In the meantime, let’s take a look at our biggest, toughest, and strongest food group: protein!” Spoony said. Featherweight walked onstage dressed as a chicken wing. The crowd laughed for a good three minutes.

“Thanks a lot guys, it’s not like I have self-esteem or anything. I mean, I’m strong too.” Featherweight said.

“Describe protein.” Spoony instructed.

“Huh? Oh yeah. Proteins come from a variety of sources, but are generally put in two categories: meat and nuts. While we ponies do not eat meats, we consume nuts regularly. Cows, donkeys, mules, and zebras have similar eating habits. Griffons, changelings, dragons, serpents, dogs, and Diamond Tiara are all carnivorous. This means that they eat meats. Sometimes, they have even been known to eat other species, including ponies.” Featherweight said. A loud ‘oof’ was heard as he walked offstage, to be replaced by Diamond Tiara. She was wearing a white cube costume.

“Carnivorous my hoof. Ahem, I am sugar, the most delicious of all the food groups. I can be found in almost every food imaginable. Vegetables usually have very low sugar, which is why they are so very gross. Fruits have more sugar, which is why they’re a little better. The foods with the highest amounts of sugar are held in such a high regard that consuming them before finishing the rest of your food is considered to be improper. I for one, think this is stupid. We should be able to have sugar when we feel like it, like Pinkie Pie does.” Diamond Tiara said.

“Wow. That was so very far off script that I’m curious as to whether or not you actually read it. What Diamond forgets to tell you is that sugars are by far the most fattening food of all, and the only reason Pinkie Pie is able to survive that much sugar intake is because she immediately works it off by… being Pinkie Pie.” Spoony said. Diamond Tiara walked offstage in a huff.

“Now, before our next food group, I’d like to give a shout-out to our only sponsor. That of course is Pipsqueak, who gave me five bits so that he could play the part of dairy. Don’t ask me why, he just really wanted to.” Spoony said as Pipsqueak came dressed as a cheese wheel.

“Good evening ladies and gentlecolts, I am dairy, also known as the big cheese.” The groan from the audience could be heard from Cloudsdale, “Lovely. Anyway, I come from our close friends, the cows. That’s right, every single speck of dairy comes from cows and their milk. Be it cheese, yogurt, ice cream, or regular old milk, cows are responsible for all of it. I am also high in vitamin D, and appear to be the only way to get it. Which is odd, considering how most of my classmates seem to make D’s all the time.” Pipsqueak bowed as he was booed off the stage by his peers.

“Note to self, don’t take money from Pipsqueak. Alright, we’re down to our last food group. Everypony give a big hand for grains.” Spoony said. Dinky cantered onstage in a giant muffin costume.

“I’m a grain, and that’s awesome because grains are in all kinds of things. We’re in muffins, and bread, and cake, and muffins, and cupcakes, and pies, and cookies, and muffins, and beers…” Dinky rambled.

“Dinky!” Cheerilee yelled from the stage, stopping her pupil from continuing.

“Yes?” Dinky asked, still chipper.

“Dare I ask where you learned about beer?” Cheerilee asked.

“Ms. Rainbow Dash.” Dinky answered. For some reason, a gust of wind and flash of several colors went out the window.

“Well this is fantastic. First Applebloom’s soliciting, then Pinkie Pie’s sugar, and now this. Before the other half of the Elements of Harmony end up getting a stern talking to from Ms. Cheerilee, let’s go ahead and end the play, shall we?” Spoony offered. A round of applause filled the auditorium as the six food groups returned to the stage to take a bow. As the curtains closed, the actors and actresses walked out into the auditorium.

“Spoony, I’m not going to say anything about the… informal presentation, but next time, make sure you know what your actors will say before the night of the show.” Cheerilee said. Then, she turned, glaring in the direction of a pink bouncing pony and her Stetson adorned friend.

“Wow. Bro, that was something else. I don’t even know what to say.” Silver Spoon said between laughs.

“Yeah, I noticed you didn’t want to join us. What’s the matter? Didn’t want to be known around town as a piece of asparagus for a few days?” Spoony asked.

“Nope, not really. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to make sure Diamond Tiara hasn’t skinned Featherweight alive yet.” Silver Spoon said, walking off.

“Hey, Spoony?” A voice called from the stage. Turning around, Spoony saw Sweetie Belle.

“Hey Sweetie. Where are the girls?” Spoony asked.

“I think they went to watch Cheerilee yell at Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Um, did I… did I mess up?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Sweetie Belle, let me put it this way: which do you think the audience liked better, what you said, or what Twilight and Cheerilee wrote up?” Spoony asked. Sweetie Belle thought it over for a moment.

“What I said?” She asked.

“Bingo.”

“Oh, good. I was afraid I did something wrong. I mean, you said Applebloom knew more about fruits and stuff.” Sweetie Belle said.

“I should hope so, it’s her job. You, on the other hand, don’t work on a farm.” Spoony said.

“No, I don’t. I think Rarity would kill me. Speaking of which, I should go find her. Thanks Spoony.” Sweetie Belle said, cantering off. This left Spoony alone onstage.

Not one to be left out of anything for long, Spoony set off for Sugarcube Corner. If he was lucky, he might be able to get some free samples of the Diamond Tiara group.

Author's Note:

Hello world! I'm new to this whole Author's Notes thing, so I'll just tell you about my little... plight. What plight you may ask? Well, writing this was actually rather difficult for exactly one reason. I didn't know what play to use. I was going to do 1001 Arabian Nights, but to do justice to that would have required a chapter that was about ten times as big as this. So, I went with the one play that had already been referenced in the show: that food one that Rarity got her cutie mark designing for. Now I'm out of ideas, so I would love to have some suggestions. However, if you don't want plays, I have a second option for you. I have considered doing chapters that aren't about plays, but are about Spoony playing D&D with some of his buddies. If you're interested in either, drop a comment. Thanks in advance!

Comments

[Obsidian Quill]

Lol have the spoony one do his D&D stories since now I want to see how the ponies deal with the Thieves world story!
OH! Have Twilight be the wizard I hurl a flask at his FACE!!!
Heck Make pinkie be Matt the "I'm not that kind of theif"