Magnum lowered the top of his newspaper and looked at us from across the table. “We heard you the first time honey. You are sexually attracted to Applebloom. Hey Pearl, tickets for the Manehattan Bombers are going on sale tomorrow.”
I wanted to write something that at first seemed like they weren't paying attention - just a generic 'thats nice' response, but later one is shown to be that they almost don't understand the issue because to them it isn't one.
2263438 Applejack and Big Mac's reactions for the next chapter are one of the few things that are and always have been set in stone. If you have ever looked over Lunaismaiwaifu's art blog, then you may have noticed two pictures that fit in with the others that I haven' used, with the end of this chapter leading directly into them.
2263624 Well I'd say you hit the nail on the head if that was what ya were aiming for. Was a tad disappointed to find the dream sequence :p Don't get me wrong, reasonable for the story, just irks me when authors/writers/tv directors pull the 'And it was all a dream' card.
2262630yeah, I was good until the barn.... I may be messed up sexually, but even I have limits.....now if they were step-sisters I would have enjoyed it SOOO much more. ....But it was still good and I couldn't help myself.
Good work, you are now one of my fav clop writers if not The fav.
2265192 I can't quite recall which episode, but it has a scene that is strikingly similar to that. It does say "I like _____" "That's nice dear" "No, I really Like _____" "We heard you the first time son, you are homosexually attracted to _____"
2265215 I think I found the scene you are talking about
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy. Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him? Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy. Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
Certainly sounds similar, but not quite word for word. Maybe I heard it as background noise or something and added it in. I certainly don't remember seeing it.
2269930 When I started writing this, those two were the only other human Applebloom pictures drawn, so that was where I was going. This and chapter 2 were added in later when the pictures came up.
Stick through it if you can. Only one more chapter until the promised foursome with Lyra and Bon-Bon. That said, I'm not just going to go with the cliche 'Oh look, I'm madly in love with my brother, lets fuck' style of Incest. I have a plan that hopefully will come across well.
1. While I am not much for Human fan-fics, and less for pony-Human sex stories, I have liked the quality of your writing. Your writing has been a good-quality descriptive, which is to no small irony, a very important factor for quality sex stories.
2. I was going to post a critique and suggestion for having more heartfelt Romance between Apple Bloom & Sweetie Belle to add more to the overall quality of your story... But with things now headed towards incest and other kinkier/perverted slippery slopes, that goes out the literary window, so to speak .
3. A PoV shift to Sweetie Belle may or may not help too, either as a Romance angle towards her & Apple Bloom, or just to show how kinky/perverted Sweetie Belle is (or both).
2273390 thanks for your suggestions. Glad that you like the quality of the story. I've put alot of effort into this one, far more than some of my other works.
All I can really say at the moment is that I have a plan for the incest revelation and It won't be what people are expecting, both in terms of what Applebloom does and how Applejack and Big Mac got started. I've been striving for a storyline over clop with this fic, so just trust me to know what I am doing with this.
I might do a PoV shift for the bonus chapter, but the primary story is about Applebloom and will remain from her perspective for now.
4. I have skimmed through some of your other fan-fictions; and yes, it does show that you have put more effort into this work. That is never a negative thing, and applies to more than just writing .
5. PoV shifts as Interlude chapters would probably work well; small breaks in the story to give a more "big picture" perspective, but not derailing from your central protagonist (Apple Bloom). If you do intend your reader to know that Sweetie Belle has genuine Romantic feelings in-tandem with Apple Bloom, then the most direct method is to portray it from her own perspective and inner thoughts. Otherwise, it must be shown in Sweetie Belle's actions, not just spoken words, to Apple Bloom (and obviously I do not mean sex). Or you can use both methods for portrayal, it is rarely ever wrong to double-down on writer-to-reader clarity ;) .
6. Literary critique reminder: "Interlude" chapters come during the story, in-between main-story chapters and running in-tandem with the story, or as flashbacks. "Bonus" chapters come at the end, after the story is done. "Bonus" chapters may backtrack to previous portions of the story (or even earlier), however. It is minor difference, but one writers should know and keep in mind.
7. Oh, that reminds me for another critique... The proper canon name of your central protagonist is Apple Bloom (two words), not Applebloom (one word), as opposed to her sister Applejack (one word). It always boggles me how so many get both names incorrect, it is in the wiki & wikia, and even the show's captions/subtitles.
personaly, i loved this chapter, for some reason i thought it would go another way when i heard apple incest and i am glad i was wrong, i cannot wait to read applejacks reaction to the news
2277600 Glad to know that you are enjoying it so far. despite being my best story thus far, I haven't managed to be featured yet. I came close on the first chapter but no dice.
I have a very specific scene in mind for the next chapter, one which hopefully will leave people if not approving, then at least understanding of Applejack and Big Mac's relationship.
Don't worry about Applejack's reaction. I have something special in mind.
2277661 Magnum's personality is partly a reflection of my own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, or bi, so long as you are happy in the end. I feel that it is time for the insitution of marriage to evolve to the modern world.
The beginning of the chapter was all right, but...
Stay outta the barn until then, alright sugarcube?
Oh, please don't tell me this is going where I think it's going...
“MMMMMmmmmmm, just like that,”
Please Celestia, no. Let it be some kind of fakeout. Tell me it's Rarity or Rainbow Dash or someone in there with her. Just don't...
Applejack wrapped her legs around Big Mac
Oh, for Princess's sake!
I mean, it's not the incest itself. Yeah, it's a turn-off for me, but if you wanna write it, that's your perogative. But for crying out loud, why does it always have to be Applejack? There are other characters out there with siblings! Just because she has an accent and lives on a farm, she gets to be the butt of every inbreeding gag in the fandom.
I don't generally like quitting stories in the middle, but this one has just crossed the line for me. I'm just not having fun with it anymore, so I'll bid you a good day and take my leave. Good luck with the Rarity/Fleur you mentioned. Assuming that one does not also feature Apples furiously bucking each other as well, I'll keep an eye out for it.
2286656 Sorry to see you go, but if you aren't enjoying it anymore then I understand.
Trust me when I say that while this may look like yet another Apple family incest, I do have something planned for this that I have not seen done before.
I will be leaving the Apples alone after this story.
2286656 Also, in answer to your question 'why is it always the Apples?', I think there are two reasons.
The first (weaker) reason is that they tend to get grouped as the inbred southern redneck hick, which seemingly makes it more acceptable.
the second reason is that for a long time, there simply wasn't another brother/sister pair avaliable in the show to work on. It wasn't until Episode 118 - Show Stoppers that it was canon confirmed that Sweetie Belle was Rarity's sister, so Applejack/Big Mac was the only viable Incest ship before then and we have never really moved on from it, except for Shininglight, of which there are almost an even number of fics by now.
NOOOOOOOO! I was so happy to finally see a homosexual clopfic with some actual backstory about the trials and hardships undergone by the LGBT community, and then incest happened. It's cool if that's you're fetish, but for me I think the story was going in such a good direction and now it's too focused on fetish/clop. I still want to see where it goes, but it definitely won't be the same.
2293955 Trust me on this one. I know what I am doing and where this is going and it isn't what you would expect. The main focus of the last chapter will still be on the hardships and trials of LGBT couples. I am going somewhere with the incest that I don't think has been done on this site yet, so don't think that this is just going to become a generic Apple orgy, as that isn't where its going.
I'm sorry, I had to stop after that whole confession scene with Sweetie Belle's and Rarity's parents because I need to get this out before I could continue with this chapter. All I want to ask is where the fuck are you going with this? I mean, in all honesty, this is not bad fic. The narritive flows nicely, it doesn't feel fast or slow. The sex scenes are discriptive enough that I actually got arouse by it, so that's a big plus.
However, I do have problem with your story, that is in dealing with the fear that both Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle have when it comes to having to confess to their family about their relationship. It feels very minimal. It's something that I have read in too many fanfics that follows this excate formula; "Yay, we're gay! Oh, no, what if our family doesn't love us anymore because of it? Don't worry, they'll love you no matter what." I understand where you are going with this, but it has gone beyond cliche. Whenever I see this, it's like the writer has not even scratch the surface of the whole issue that is more complicated than they realize. And, to add this to a clop fic feels like you are just trying to satify the people who complained about clopfic that had only smut and no story.
Then, we I get to this part where Sweetie Belle's parents just say "Yeah, we have sex with everybody. It's no big deal if you want to have sex with each other."
Now, you are just going into bizzaro territory. As weak as I found the homosexual side of the story, it was not terrible it was just ‘okay.’ You want to point out the hardships of it and I have no qualms about it. But, with Chapter III, it almost feels like a slap to the face of the LGBT. It feels like you are dismissing the hardships that the gay community have to go through by giving this asinine acceptance speech made by the parents because they practice weird sexual rituals that made it seemed that only the weirdest of people could accept them, which feels like another slap, not just to the LGBT, but to my face as well because I’m straight and I have no desires to do what they did and I have full sympathy for the whole cause and I whole-heartedly support gay marriage.
Maybe I'm just reading a bit too much into this, but you are giving so many mix signals to me as to what sort of story you are going with. And now I've read in the comments that Applejack and Big Mac do get it on in this chapter, I'm ready to just abondon this story but I don't want to. I want to give this story a chance and I will finish this, but I have very mixed feelings about this right now.
If this had been only that first chapter, I would have automatically give this a thumbs-up. Not a fav, but I really did like the first chapter. It was cute, sweet, and arousing. But, since you want to up the drama, I was expecting a bit more and felt a little disappointed but still enjoyed it nonetheless. Now, with this...I don't know what to expect so I'll just stop right here.
…Wow. That's gotta be awkward, discovering the other meaning of "Family love".
Eh, I didn't really like this turn of events,
Oh darn! I was kinda hoping for a foursome with Lyra and Bonbon.
2262717 That is comming after the main story is done.
Commence read.
And suddenly lesbianism isn't that big of a problem.
I am like 100% against incest. But who cares, this story is too good.
2263154 As am I when it is practiced in real life, but this is about human versions of candy coloured ponies that have never actually existed.
No one is actually being hurt or abused, so just enjoy it.
XB
Pearl and Magnum's scene is priceless
Well this took a turn for the interesting. I wonder how Applejack will react?
2263400 Thank you.
I wanted to write something that at first seemed like they weren't paying attention - just a generic 'thats nice' response, but later one is shown to be that they almost don't understand the issue because to them it isn't one.
2263438 Applejack and Big Mac's reactions for the next chapter are one of the few things that are and always have been set in stone. If you have ever looked over Lunaismaiwaifu's art blog, then you may have noticed two pictures that fit in with the others that I haven' used, with the end of this chapter leading directly into them.
2263624
Well I'd say you hit the nail on the head if that was what ya were aiming for. Was a tad disappointed to find the dream sequence :p Don't get me wrong, reasonable for the story, just irks me when authors/writers/tv directors pull the 'And it was all a dream' card.
Oh god. Incest. Blech.
2263624 Link please?
2263817 Dreams will become reality soon enough.
2263860 Here you are - the final two images that I am basing this story off of. Massively NSFW
http://www.derpibooru.org/192998?scope=scpea2947f6ca3596a5c11b9b4977ad52aa4a659004f
http://www.derpibooru.org/193580?scope=scpea2947f6ca3596a5c11b9b4977ad52aa4a659004f
What's the ETA on the next chapter? Dying to read it.
Also, are there any other good humanization fics out there? Found Ponyville University and loved that one too. I just can't get enough of these. ;P
2262630yeah, I was good until the barn.... I may be messed up sexually, but even I have limits.....now if they were step-sisters I would have enjoyed it SOOO much more. ....But it was still good and I couldn't help myself.
Good work, you are now one of my fav clop writers if not The fav.
Is it me, or is that 'Sweetie-belles coming out' and their parents reaction from that one episode of family guy?
2264977 Haven't even begun writing it yet, still in the planning stages. So it will be a while.
2265102 Once I am done with this, I have plans for a Fleur x Rarity (Flurity?) clop, so hang on in there.
2265110 I haven't seen all that many episodes of Family Guy. what episode are you refering to?
2265192 Sniff* oh you spoil me, thank you but now I have to wait for that. you are a tease.
2265192 I can't quite recall which episode, but it has a scene that is strikingly similar to that.
It does say "I like _____" "That's nice dear" "No, I really Like _____" "We heard you the first time son, you are homosexually attracted to _____"
2265215 I think I found the scene you are talking about
Certainly sounds similar, but not quite word for word. Maybe I heard it as background noise or something and added it in. I certainly don't remember seeing it.
Wow, you published that quite rapidly! As I said before, great work. I had a quick skim-through and found two little things:
Has a space before the comma.
Decide on "our" or "my"
Hope to be hearing from you again soon!
2265374 That's the one :D
Dang it, you put your surprise incest in my teen lesbian fantasy. Anyway, I guess the clop is not really the priority or something.
I did like the first part of this chapter.
2264150
Yeah, I kinda had a feeling this was leading up to those.
2269930 When I started writing this, those two were the only other human Applebloom pictures drawn, so that was where I was going. This and chapter 2 were added in later when the pictures came up.
Stick through it if you can. Only one more chapter until the promised foursome with Lyra and Bon-Bon. That said, I'm not just going to go with the cliche 'Oh look, I'm madly in love with my brother, lets fuck' style of Incest. I have a plan that hopefully will come across well.
2270044
... Alright, I'll see what you have in store. I wasn't sure if the semi-serious tone would take a sharp left into cheesy porn plot.
Also, foursome with Lyra and Bon Bon. This I look forward to.
2271474 The Semi Serious tone will remain.
I did a porn plot story before, this one is meant to be story with clop, not just clop.
@Fimbulvinter...
1. While I am not much for Human fan-fics, and less for pony-Human sex stories, I have liked the quality of your writing. Your writing has been a good-quality descriptive, which is to no small irony, a very important factor for quality sex stories.
2. I was going to post a critique and suggestion for having more heartfelt Romance between Apple Bloom & Sweetie Belle to add more to the overall quality of your story... But with things now headed towards incest and other kinkier/perverted slippery slopes, that goes out the literary window, so to speak .
3. A PoV shift to Sweetie Belle may or may not help too, either as a Romance angle towards her & Apple Bloom, or just to show how kinky/perverted Sweetie Belle is (or both).
2273390 thanks for your suggestions. Glad that you like the quality of the story. I've put alot of effort into this one, far more than some of my other works.
All I can really say at the moment is that I have a plan for the incest revelation and It won't be what people are expecting, both in terms of what Applebloom does and how Applejack and Big Mac got started. I've been striving for a storyline over clop with this fic, so just trust me to know what I am doing with this.
I might do a PoV shift for the bonus chapter, but the primary story is about Applebloom and will remain from her perspective for now.
2273551...
4. I have skimmed through some of your other fan-fictions; and yes, it does show that you have put more effort into this work. That is never a negative thing, and applies to more than just writing .
5. PoV shifts as Interlude chapters would probably work well; small breaks in the story to give a more "big picture" perspective, but not derailing from your central protagonist (Apple Bloom). If you do intend your reader to know that Sweetie Belle has genuine Romantic feelings in-tandem with Apple Bloom, then the most direct method is to portray it from her own perspective and inner thoughts. Otherwise, it must be shown in Sweetie Belle's actions, not just spoken words, to Apple Bloom (and obviously I do not mean sex). Or you can use both methods for portrayal, it is rarely ever wrong to double-down on writer-to-reader clarity ;) .
6. Literary critique reminder: "Interlude" chapters come during the story, in-between main-story chapters and running in-tandem with the story, or as flashbacks. "Bonus" chapters come at the end, after the story is done. "Bonus" chapters may backtrack to previous portions of the story (or even earlier), however. It is minor difference, but one writers should know and keep in mind.
7. Oh, that reminds me for another critique... The proper canon name of your central protagonist is Apple Bloom (two words), not Applebloom (one word), as opposed to her sister Applejack (one word). It always boggles me how so many get both names incorrect, it is in the wiki & wikia, and even the show's captions/subtitles.
personaly, i loved this chapter, for some reason i thought it would go another way when i heard apple incest and i am glad i was wrong, i cannot wait to read applejacks reaction to the news
2277600 Glad to know that you are enjoying it so far. despite being my best story thus far, I haven't managed to be featured yet. I came close on the first chapter but no dice.
I have a very specific scene in mind for the next chapter, one which hopefully will leave people if not approving, then at least understanding of Applejack and Big Mac's relationship.
Don't worry about Applejack's reaction. I have something special in mind.
2277661 Magnum's personality is partly a reflection of my own. I don't care if you are gay, straight, or bi, so long as you are happy in the end. I feel that it is time for the insitution of marriage to evolve to the modern world.
The beginning of the chapter was all right, but...
Oh, please don't tell me this is going where I think it's going...
Please Celestia, no. Let it be some kind of fakeout. Tell me it's Rarity or Rainbow Dash or someone in there with her. Just don't...
Oh, for Princess's sake!
I mean, it's not the incest itself. Yeah, it's a turn-off for me, but if you wanna write it, that's your perogative. But for crying out loud, why does it always have to be Applejack? There are other characters out there with siblings! Just because she has an accent and lives on a farm, she gets to be the butt of every inbreeding gag in the fandom.
I don't generally like quitting stories in the middle, but this one has just crossed the line for me. I'm just not having fun with it anymore, so I'll bid you a good day and take my leave. Good luck with the Rarity/Fleur you mentioned. Assuming that one does not also feature Apples furiously bucking each other as well, I'll keep an eye out for it.
2286656 Sorry to see you go, but if you aren't enjoying it anymore then I understand.
Trust me when I say that while this may look like yet another Apple family incest, I do have something planned for this that I have not seen done before.
I will be leaving the Apples alone after this story.
2286656 Also, in answer to your question 'why is it always the Apples?', I think there are two reasons.
The first (weaker) reason is that they tend to get grouped as the inbred southern redneck hick, which seemingly makes it more acceptable.
the second reason is that for a long time, there simply wasn't another brother/sister pair avaliable in the show to work on. It wasn't until Episode 118 - Show Stoppers that it was canon confirmed that Sweetie Belle was Rarity's sister, so Applejack/Big Mac was the only viable Incest ship before then and we have never really moved on from it, except for Shininglight, of which there are almost an even number of fics by now.
NOOOOOOOO! I was so happy to finally see a homosexual clopfic with some actual backstory about the trials and hardships undergone by the LGBT community, and then incest happened. It's cool if that's you're fetish, but for me I think the story was going in such a good direction and now it's too focused on fetish/clop. I still want to see where it goes, but it definitely won't be the same.
2293955 Trust me on this one. I know what I am doing and where this is going and it isn't what you would expect. The main focus of the last chapter will still be on the hardships and trials of LGBT couples. I am going somewhere with the incest that I don't think has been done on this site yet, so don't think that this is just going to become a generic Apple orgy, as that isn't where its going.
I'm sorry, I had to stop after that whole confession scene with Sweetie Belle's and Rarity's parents because I need to get this out before I could continue with this chapter. All I want to ask is where the fuck are you going with this? I mean, in all honesty, this is not bad fic. The narritive flows nicely, it doesn't feel fast or slow. The sex scenes are discriptive enough that I actually got arouse by it, so that's a big plus.
However, I do have problem with your story, that is in dealing with the fear that both Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle have when it comes to having to confess to their family about their relationship. It feels very minimal. It's something that I have read in too many fanfics that follows this excate formula; "Yay, we're gay! Oh, no, what if our family doesn't love us anymore because of it? Don't worry, they'll love you no matter what." I understand where you are going with this, but it has gone beyond cliche. Whenever I see this, it's like the writer has not even scratch the surface of the whole issue that is more complicated than they realize. And, to add this to a clop fic feels like you are just trying to satify the people who complained about clopfic that had only smut and no story.
Then, we I get to this part where Sweetie Belle's parents just say "Yeah, we have sex with everybody. It's no big deal if you want to have sex with each other."
Now, you are just going into bizzaro territory. As weak as I found the homosexual side of the story, it was not terrible it was just ‘okay.’ You want to point out the hardships of it and I have no qualms about it. But, with Chapter III, it almost feels like a slap to the face of the LGBT. It feels like you are dismissing the hardships that the gay community have to go through by giving this asinine acceptance speech made by the parents because they practice weird sexual rituals that made it seemed that only the weirdest of people could accept them, which feels like another slap, not just to the LGBT, but to my face as well because I’m straight and I have no desires to do what they did and I have full sympathy for the whole cause and I whole-heartedly support gay marriage.
Maybe I'm just reading a bit too much into this, but you are giving so many mix signals to me as to what sort of story you are going with. And now I've read in the comments that Applejack and Big Mac do get it on in this chapter, I'm ready to just abondon this story but I don't want to. I want to give this story a chance and I will finish this, but I have very mixed feelings about this right now.
If this had been only that first chapter, I would have automatically give this a thumbs-up. Not a fav, but I really did like the first chapter. It was cute, sweet, and arousing. But, since you want to up the drama, I was expecting a bit more and felt a little disappointed but still enjoyed it nonetheless. Now, with this...I don't know what to expect so I'll just stop right here.
It's the ultimate clop fic!
I smell incest!
reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/say-what.gif
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/27649936.jpg
I came here for lesbians.
I must bleach my brain before proceeding to next chapter.
(Please, pretty please add a warning for incest)
media.tumblr.com/e5fda3c6463cb83ef00b7f032edd4e71/tumblr_inline_mln6ufv09l1qz4rgp.gif
This is after I read the incest parts.
And then this....
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr1zg47PWS1qie3i0.gif
.....I'm kinda not into incest here.
Paragraph 121. Is spelled Big Mac.
3900851 As am I, but it's something Applebloom could use to guilt her siblings into not going crazy on her for being gay.