• Published 20th Dec 2012
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Cultural Artifacts - Dan_s Comments



A little piece of Earth arrives in Equestria, a human and it's home. The citizens of Ponyville and Princess Luna struggle with this newcomer, as it struggles with them.

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11) For Services Rendered

Dan's Comments

Cultural Artifacts - For Services Rendered

DISCLAIMER: My Little Pony is the property of Hasbro, Inc.

Day 22

I'd really like to know why I'm always waking up in hospital amid a pony pile, he thought as he heard the quiet conversations and felt the soft fur on most pieces of his exposed skin.

"They know you need to feel safe," Discord provided, "Mares tend to take the initiative in defending their families. Besides, they think you make funny noises when you sleep happy. Big scary monster plays the cuddle bug and makes sounds like a happy puppy. They love it."

He kept his grumbling low so neither the ponies, nor Discord heard it.

As soon as he moved he was surrounded by happy voices with noses and hooves touching him. He ignored Discord's laughter at his slight discomfort at this devotion.


Discord looked down at the piece of mental debris and kicked it across the room. It didn't make an amusing sound, it didn't start bouncing around like a superball, it flew a distance until it hit the ground and then rolled a little ways farther. He glared at it and it vanished. He stalked around the area. It wasn't rotating through all three axes because he didn't want it to. It wasn't full accordion snakes, because he didn't want it to be. It wasn't full of government bureaucrats being strangled by red tape by gleeful taxpayers, because he didn't want it to be.

"I should be enjoying this!" he shouted. "His mind is slowly disintegrating, the pressures of the place have finally cracked his shell and he's going slowly mad," Discord shouted happily.

"BUT I DIDN'T DO IT!" he wailed disconsolately.

After several minute of crying, followed by monkeys shoveling all the corn flakes into baskets, Discord sat in his favorite chair. It was the first, unsolicited gift anyone had ever given to him. He'd extorted things from ponies, griffons, dragons, and others. Even Celestia had asked first. "But no one ever just gave me anything," he said of the chair, then looked around the environs. "He even gave me a private place in his head, so I could be alone if I needed to me. The one thing he treasures, that is denied him, and he makes sure I have a place I can be alone if I need to be." He looked around.

"But I don't want to be," he shouted, and a second Discord appeared.

"You're just jealous that Celly has pushed him over the edge, and by trying to help," Discord II said.

Discord snapped his fingers and was alone. He snapped them again and faced a crystalline being, perfect in plane and radial symmetry. "Oh, hello Tom," Discord said, "Or are you going to go 'Me Bizzaro Discord'?"

"I fail to see how that would benefit you or your cordial host," Tom said. "The problem is twofold. First, professional, you were bested, by an amateur who wasn't trying. Second, you don't really want him to go insane. A small amount of crazy was good. Completely off the rails is bad, and it interferes with your shtick."

Discord raised his hand.

"I can only tell you the truth," Tom said.

Discord dropped his hand, reached down to pick it up and considered. "So, I have to save him. That's almost not possible. It'll void my warranty. I'll have to tear up my Villains Unanimous membership card!"

"No, you aren't saving him," Tom said calmly, "You are making sure that he provides a small but steady stream of chaos that is palatable to the ponies, and therefore sneaks in under their radar."

"You realize the readers are already complaining there's no radar here in Ponyland," Discord said.

"To quote General Pierre Cambronne: 'Merde'," Tom said, "He knows it, therefore we know it. You are assuring maximum absorption of chaos by the ponies. Nothing more."

"Not telling me, I might miss my widdle fwiend?" Discord heckled.

"No, sir. Just the clear and practical reasons," Tom said, "You can save your friend. You can save an entertaining source of chaos. Or you can allow a golden opportunity to slip through your fingers."

Discord set his legs to pacing while the rest of him remained in the chair. "All right," he said, and snapped his fingers. A book labeled 'Culture Shock' and another labeled 'PTSD' appeared. Before they floated over to Discord, Tom intercepted them.

"Perhaps you should let me do the reading, and planning. You should concentrate on something not in these books."

"What?" Discord asked.

"An equalizer, and more importantly, a way for you to touch the outside world," Tom said, "And you'll have to spin quite a tale to get him to go along with it, even addled and off-kilter as he is."

"True," Discord tapped his fingers together, sounding like a xylophone. "So very true."

"Don't forget, we are also trapped inside here with him. That door will hold against most threats, but if his madness creates constructs, they will be as real to us as real objects are outside."

"I already considered that. Which is why I knitted a tank, and asked the artillerymen for help," Discord said, "Never thought I'd owe my safety to being able to make baseball plates. Baseball cups and saucers yes." Discord stared at Tom.

"Out of steel wool, I already guessed. I suggest you forge the outer plating with an MCHammer. That will deflect the attacks away," Tom said, "I'm more personally worried about that Rupert Antilles fellow, I doubt I'd merit the Greater Antilles."

"It would drive a wedge in their family." Discord tried to look cute, "He wouldn't hurt me, would he?"

"There is the off-chance he might not be able to tell, or he might not be able to control those aspects of himself," Tom said.

"So it's self preservation, that's the best reason yet," Discord said. He looked at the crystal. "What do you get out of this?"

"He wants to be a good officer," Tom said, "A good officer needs a batman, and a good Batman needs an Alfred."

There was the sound of a set of tubular bells being kicked down a flight of stairs.


The throne room was everything he'd expected. Should I be terrified or overjoyed, or both, he thought as he sat in a chair at the far end of the throne room while Princess Celestia sat on her throne discussing events.

Three lines, he considered the defensive layers, So who is being protected from whom? I wouldn't last ten seconds against her. So is it the crowd who are 'the other'? Or is it all theater?

The doctors had made it clear he wasn't well-healed enough to walk any distance. So Trixie had proudly played steed to bring him to the throne room. Got to hand it to her, she managed to turn a servile action into pride-worthy privilege. She sat on his right, with Lyra on his left. The temptation to scratch them behind their ears was almost too much to take. But reducing them to moaning puddles in the middle of a Royal Ceremony would not be a good idea, he reminded himself. Derpy and Dinky were ahead. Just beyond them in a rough semicircle were the Elements of Harmony. Then a line of guards. The crowds of functionaries and shining lights of Canterlot were beyond them.

Are you listening? he asked.

"Not particularly interested in the 'brave battle' you already lived through. So far, she's got most of the facts right," Discord said, "I'm having more fun watching the nobles freak out about how close things came."

If I haven't thanked you for your help, let me do it now, thanks for taking the risk and helping us.

"I never did like Nightmare," Discord said, "But when we get a chance, there's a few things you need to know about Nistag. But not when the others are around."

Celestia revealed a stained glass window. On it were the Elements facing a collection of the villains. All the villains looked mesmerized, and he was on the window 'gesturing hypnotically' at them.

"That's not quite the Medal of Honor, but it's above a DSM. Sparkle and the others got one for taking me down. And I wasn't playing then," Discord said with a trace of pride.

The Element Bearers watched the crowd surge towards the line of guards. While they kept smiling, they were clearly not eager to be mauled. Trixie and Lyra watched the area compress as the crowd pressed forward.

Would climbing out of here like a monkey be considered out of character? he asked.

"I think Luna and her guards are here to rescue us," Discord said as the Lunar Diarch landed behind the guards with a dozen additional pegasi guards of her own.

A moment later, they were in another room. The nervous mares thanked Luna for the save. He nodded his own agreement.

"Don't get too happy, the party will be held in here, and the crowd will be thinned a bit, not eliminated."

Let me just hobble over to the window and jump out, he replied as waiters and others escorted them all to their places at the table. He took the opportunity to scratch both Lyra and Trixie behind the ears until the two nearly liquified.


Rarity was where she truly belonged, among the elite of Canterlot society, at table with the Princesses, although one was ten paces away and the other a hundred and fifty, and Rarity was talking eruditely with the creme de la creme of Equestrian society. Why then am I so miserable? she wanted to ask somepony.

"Look at that, actually touching the food with his hooves," the society matron beside her scoffed at the Big Guy as she levitated a spoon full of soup to her mouth. She didn't slurp it, but the lip smacking afterward was most irritating.

"Well, he doesn't walk on them, and he washed them before eating," Rarity offered to make conversation.

"Barbaric," the matron replied, "Those pegasi have the decency not to touch the food. Unlike that yellow one."

She just praised Derpy's and Rainbow Dash's table manners over Fluttershy's, Rarity realized and had some trouble squaring it in her mind.

"You should set your sight higher, dear," the matron on the other side of her said. "He might be fearsome, but such stallions are rarely fearsome where it counts," she said and both matrons on either side tittered.

Rarity looked around for her friends, scattered along the ridiculously long table. She smiled at the jokes, but kept wondering, Do they know who I am? Would it make a huge difference?

The ponies sitting across from her seemed as thoughtless as the two she was sandwiched between, and just as sharp tongued. Rarity prayed for strength not to have a blow up like her experience at the gala. She also heard several not too delicate slurs about the Big Guy and his physical form, as well as his distant ancestry.

"They throw poo at ponies, I'm just glad he hasn't done that yet," the hinny on her left said.

"Probably because he was too busy destroying some of our people's greatest enemies," Rarity said sweetly, "After all, why mess around with throwing poo, when you could be going hoof-to-hoof against Discord?" She grinned knowingly at the two noticeably green matrons. "And don't worry, if Twilight Sparkle and her team can get the translations, you should be able to ask him to refrain from that behavior yourselves," she added happily. "Of course you have to do it gently. I heard that the reason he swallowed Celestia whole was she made some disparaging gesture at his friends. Of course Celestia wasn't going to stand for that, so she - "

"Yes, we heard," the right hinny gasped.

"Can't be true," the left-hand hinny added, "There would have been remnants of a fight."

"Perhaps," Rarity said, and seemed to consider, "Or they could have cleaned it up before the discovery." Satisfied she'd shut up the gossipy hens, Rarity enjoyed the meal the royal kitchens had produced.


Twilight looked around the table, and felt alone. Look at Rarity, chatting with the nobility and having the time of her life. Rainbow's just enjoying the food. Am I the only one who thinks it isn't over? That there's new dangers ahead? she wondered. She glanced down the table and Applejack had remembered enough of her 'Orange' training not to embarrass herself, and Fluttershy what being demure and alluring near the far end of the table where Luna sat. The Big Guy is tolerating all of this, she thought, The smile never reaches the eyes, which are a predator's. He's expecting trouble, and half the asides I've heard are not good for him.

She glanced over where Shining Armor, Cadence and her mother and father were all chatting happily. But she was too far away to participate. I'm surrounded by the very kind of ponies who convinced me that 'friendship' wasn't worth pursuing, she smiled as best she could at the fool across the table who was holding forth on his own theories of why the 'Ponyville Monster' had blundered into the collection of Equestria's greatest villains, and the Elements of Harmony had to save him.

I wonder what that blowhard would say if he knew I was an Element of Harmony, Twilight thought, And to think, I used to feel terrible about 'ruining the dreams' of the ponies at the Grand Galloping Gala. She listened, smiled, and wondered how she could apologize to Celestia, so she never had to go through this again.


"Then I told Margaret, next time you eat that handbag, bring the tuba player with you," Discord provided a translation. From the hopeless expressions of several of the Element Bearers, and the 'eating ground glass' expression on Trixie and Lyra's faces, he suspected he was the only one of the guests of honor having a good time.

Too bad you can't broadcast this on a subchannel, he told Discord, I think that might make things more bearable for the others. Although, if they started laughing like loons at these stuck up ponies, it might require a lot of explanation.

"You should be glad you can't understand this. You'd be swinging from the chandeliers and firing a machinegun at them," Discord replied.

Could be worse, he reminded the Chaos spirit, You still have a refuge, the others don't even have that.

"True, or if you could write better, you could laugh at some poor schlub's jokes, and then write that the way he tells the joke is funny," Discord replied.

What I really wish I could tell them is that I enjoyed the salad course, but when's the entree being served? he replied.

"Horses, remember, the 'entree' was two courses ago," Discord replied.

I wish I thought you were teasing me, he replied, At least Applejack seemed to be enjoying herself way down in the military section of the table.

"Armies march on their stomachs, and businesses are as much logistics as campaigns are," Discord added, "Oh krenets! It's speechifying time! Those walls are soundproof?"

Both ways, he replied, and heard a slam as Discord retreated to his scheming, planning, 'whining, moaning and complaining' room.

He waited for the next two hours and forty-five minutes for the tedium to end, and wondered how he could apologize to Celestia, so he'd never have to go through this again.


"That was a party?" Pinkie Pie shouted in utter frustration, as she returned to the suite she was sharing with her friends. "The rock farm was more fun than that!"

"You behaved yourself admirably," Rarity said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I want to go soak my head."

"We might be of some help," Aloe said, as she and Lotus stepped out of the large bathroom. "It seems the Princess knew that you would be in the need of some care." The two spa ponies laughed.

"Please tell me you two dears were not in attendance," Rarity said sympathetically.

"Oh, we were. There's a gallery above, where the chief butler and steward keep the events running smoothly," Lotus said, "Such juicy gossip."

"Next time that's the part of the party I want to attend," Rarity said, as she let the pair guide her to a soothing of the evening's frazzlement. She nearly hit the ceiling when Twilight squealed.

"An invitation to a sleep over with her Highness!" Twilight yelped as she Pinkie bounced around the room.

Trixie burst into the room, holding a suspicious piece of paper. "A sleep over with her Highness," the showmare wailed, "Whatever shall Trixie do?"

"Come with me," Twilight said happily, "I've got one too."

"Why do you two get a sleep over?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Because you got something else?" Fluttershy offered, "I got a tour with the Royal Groundskeeper tomorrow morning." She displayed her paper.

"Huh?" Rainbow Dash asked, went into her room, and raced out, "This, this this, this!" she stammered as she held out the letter.

"Better than a sleep over?" Applejack asked.

"An entire day flight clinic with the Wonderbolts!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed. She sobered. "Why a flight 'clinic'?"

"Maybe so the Big Guy won't blow you up next time you play against him," Fluttershy offered, and smiled.

"He just knows the game better," Rainbow exclaimed.

"But Fluttershy didn't get blown up," Pinkie Pie pointed out.

"What did you get?" Rainbow asked.

"Hmm, should I tell, or shouldn't I?" Pinkie considered, "Nope, it's a secret, good night!" Pinkie was through the door to her room and closed it behind her.

"I gotta know!" Rainbow Dash tried to push the door open, and kept struggling.

"What about you Applejack?" Twilight asked.

Applejack headed to her room and returned. "Arborist, shouldn't this go to Rainbow?"

"Arborists handle trees," Twilight said, "Maybe more varieties of apples."

"Maybe," Applejack said, then she caught Rainbow's flashing tail and dragged her away from the door.

"I gotta know!" Rainbow demanded.

"Then you can give up your Wonderbolt clinic, and follow her all day," Trixie offered.

"NO!" Rainbow said as Applejack dragged her into her room.

"Well, do you have any pajamas? I think I have an extra set," Twilight offered Trixie.

"What about Lyra?" Applejack said as she walked back into the common room from Rainbow's.

"She, Dinky, and Derpy are cuddling," Trixie said.

"You'd rather be there?" Twilight asked.

"Trixie," she started haughtily, then finished hesitantly, "Does not know."

"He'll be safe," Twilight assured her, "Lyra isn't exactly weak in the magic department."

"That was not the entirety of Trixie's concern, Twilight Sparkle," the showmare said.


Lyra watched the two of them stare at each other. Luna transformed into an alien form, and the Big Guy. I guess the legends were all about immature ones, I don't remember anypony mentioning curves like that, Lyra noted and watched the tentative approach of two omnivores, I wonder if that they are such effective killers is why the mating dance is as careful and hesitant as a pair of spiders. Maybe they do eat each other, no that wouldn't make sense, the female has to birth the young, and the male raises them? That doesn't make sense either. The mating dance, and it didn't seem to be anything else, hadn't progressed to a point where Derpy needed to remove Dinky. At its current progress, it won't be until she's old enough to have foals of her own. I wonder if our presence is helping progress by setting an obvious upper limit, or hindering. Neither has indicated we should leave, so do we stay or go. If we go, would they interpret that as disgust, or approval for the mating to go to completion? Ah! Let them tell us what they want. Neither is shy about that! Lyra thought and settled into the 'bolster' position Trixie had taught her, ready to receive whatever happened.

She watched them stand together, start with touching hands to hands, shy smiles, some blushing from the princess. Then they progressed, she touched his short hair. Lyra noted her interest in the way his interest focused briefly on the movement of her breasts. Sight cue for the buttock? she wondered, Or is their size and fullness some indication of fertility and health?

He'd trailed a finger down her hair then ran a knuckle along the cheekbone, which the princess enjoyed. And so it went, touching, and slowly moving closer together. A brief brushing of their lips, which really made the princess blush and not just on the cheeks.

That's handy, color change lets you see they are interested. That's why the clothes! So you don't advertise that you're interested if the other person is not. Lyra forcibly stifled a squeal of glee at having so many theories dashed and confirmed just by watching. I can't wait to ask questions about this! No, privacy, stay calm, stay professional and - idiot! He's probably got books on the subject!

Then a hand trailing down Luna's side made her wince and giggle. That seemed to be the signal. And both of his hands found that weak point on either side. Luna tried to push the hands away, but was laughing at the enjoyable contact.

So, it's not unpleasant, but it is slightly incapacitating, giving him the advantage. Luna can't have that, Lyra thought as with typical pony directness, Luna got one arm behind his back, and another under his upper legs to avoid the still-weakened knees and picked him up. She seemed to be throwing him on the bed, but slowed the motion so she set him there, cradling his head between Lyra's shoulder and barrel. She was on all fours over him, with a smile that would have looked better on a Timberwolf. When he smiled back, she settled atop him. He touched his lips to hers as she wrapped herself around him: arms, legs, even her hair. Strangler fig is right, she thought as she watched the kissing grow longer and more passionate.

When Luna suddenly looked alarmed, she scrambled back. All of them looked worriedly, then she suddenly transformed back to her pony form, albeit with Celestia's proportions. The Princess looked around worriedly, her similarity to Nightmare Moon in form undeniable. Lyra was so frightened, she could barely look away.

Bless him, Lyra thought as he waved her over. Luna again approached tentatively, for good reason, she was much stronger and heavier than he was. She settled on carefully laying her head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her neck and she nuzzled him. Derpy let Dinky take up the foot cover position, while she snuggled up behind him and draped a wing over him. Luna took the hint and extended a wing over both of them. There were a few settling adjustments as he preferred sleeping on his side, and Luna tried to get closer without risking spearing, crushing or kicking him if she moved during the night. But once everyone stopped, Lyra doused the room's lights and settled into sleep. She took advantage of the faint light from the moon and stars to kiss his forehead. Thank you, for all you've done, she settled in to nap, so if something interesting happened, she could observe.


Luna approached Discord guarding the entry to the Big Guy's dreamscape. Discord seemed horrified. "Quick! Change!" he shouted worriedly, and threw a blanket over Luna. When she pulled if off, she was in her bipedal form, and Discord stood in an open doorway that seemed detached from anything. He pulled a somewhat disheveled, bipedal Luna figure back through the doorway.

The figure seemed to be half wearing a dress that while opaque left little to the imagination. Before the real Luna could complain, Discord tossed her a similar dress, which formed around her.

"What is the meaning of -!?" Luna demanded, only to have Discord shove her through the door and shut it behind her. From the other side she heard Discord say, "He's having one of those dreams."

Luna gulped, looked at the surroundings, looked at what there was of her dress, and looked around for a place to hide.


Twilight ran into Luna's room. Celestia waited. "Princess!" she said happily, then noted the lack of regalia. "Princess?"

"Well, I had to punish Shining Armor for the failure to keep my previous guest safe and secure," Celestia said as she nuzzled Twilight.

"Huh?" Twilight asked as Trixie poked her head around the corner and looked in.


Armor looked over at Cadence. "Yes, this is my punishment," Armor said quietly so the entire throne room couldn't hear him, "A half-day, a night actually, as regent," he said so dejectedly Cadence just wanted to hug him.

"You poor dear," Cadence said and successfully suppressed a giggle.

Armor glared at her. "Don't 'you poor dear' me," Armor warned as he tried to find a comfortable spot to sit on the throne that still managed to look dignified. "She's thinking of taking one day off a month, and getting somepony some training."

"I'll get a plan to pad all the gardens and have nets installed outside the windows," Cadence said glibly.

"Not this 'someone'," Armor said and grinned, "Someone with wings."

Cadence was aghast. "Not, you can't mean . . ." She bore up stoically. "And a plan to remove all sharp objects, as well as anything that could be used as a sharp object from the throne room."

"That'll leave Earth pony guards, and most of the nobility," Armor told her.

"Horns?" Cadence asked and looked at her own.

"Near brains," Armor explained, "Dullness travels."


Twilight was giggling, and even Trixie managed a shy smile as she stood just inside the closed door. She looked like she wouldn't need to open it to flee.

"I believe the punishment fit the crime. Although he did personally pick and brief the guards tonight," Celestia said as she sat on Luna's bed. Twilight eagerly climbed up and snuggled beside her. Trixie still stayed at wing's length.

"I don't bite," Celestia said, "Despite what Discord says."

Trixie only nodded from her position near the door.

"Do you sleep standing up?" Celestia asked.

Trixie only shook her head.

"Well, come on over, there's plenty of space," Twilight urged, "The bed's tough enough you can stand over here."

Trixie shot Twilight a withering glare, but didn't seem eager to move.

"Please?" Celestia asked.

Trixie bowed her head and walked over as if she was walking to her own execution.


Centaur Luna stumbled through the door. She spotted Discord and marched towards him. But about every three steps included one sideways, so her approach was more serpentine. Her tiara remained on her head only because it was tangled in her hair. One of her hoof shoes was tangled in her tail. Another flopped ill-fitting on her wrist. Only one remained on her legs.

She tried to wipe the cake frosting off her flank, or tried to untangle the rack of antlers from her mane.

Discord did his best not to snicker. Luna managed to get the antlers loose and then the hoof shoe. She returned to her pony-form.

"It was just a dream," Luna insisted as she set her tiara straight. The weight of her mane pulled it back off, then she frowned and turned to stare at the cake still decorating her side.

"Of course," Discord agreed solemnly, "Stag party?" he asked between ruthlessly stifled snickers.

Luna's fury boiled to the surface.

"I didn't watch," Discord assured her.

"It was only a dream," Luna angrily insisted.

"I didn't watch your Lunar Sensuality," he said, "You must have jumped out of the cake, right?"

"It was just a dream," Luna insisted between firmly clenched teeth.

"I agree totally, only you and he know what happened," he said, "So did you become a centaur to keep up, or keep away?"

"It. Was. Only. A. Dream!" Luna persisted.

"I didn't even peek," he said innocently.

Luna seemed satisfied with that and unwilling to accidentally provide details. She faded from the area.

Discord waited for several minutes before he put the headphones on. "Didn't say anything about not having the whole place wired for sound," he said, mimed selecting a track and hit 'play'.

'WhiNEIGHeee,' blew the top of Discord's head off.

"Hmm," Discord said as he picked up his brain and scalp, "That sounded like him."


Day 23

For once, Rainbow was up with the sun. She briefly considered dragging a comb through her disheveled mane, but discarded the idea. Moments later she raced out of the suite and towards the Wonderbolts' training area.

From the garden path on her way to her own reward, Fluttershy watched her friend, as she made her way to the Groundskeeper, and her tour of the Canterlot gardens and all the animals. She squealed happily at the thought.

Luna had slipped out early, so she could raise the sun and let Celestia spend more time with her student. Luna also knew that Twilight would have to quit looking on 'godlike' Celestia a lot sooner than the unicorn would have liked. If Celestia's plan worked out. She also relieved Shining Armor, and interestingly, Cadence from their stint looking over the royal court and all the tedium that accompanied it.

Lyra slipped out after her Highness. She had to make a report to the Royal Cryptobiological Society, and get some of their research. She'd sensed that things were at a delicate stage and a major misstep would be a disaster.

Pinkie stuck her head out of the keyhole and looked around. Seeing nopony was about, she opened the door, backed up in surprise as the keyhole held her neck. She pulled her head back through the keyhole, and slipped out of the room all the while displaying a level of stealth and self-control most Ponyvillians would have been amazed she could produce. Once outside, she consulted the map she pulled from her deerstalker cap, put her deerstalker cap on and cantered through the palace. Humming a happy tune.

Applejack came out of her room yawning. She facehoofed and walked back inside to climb back into bed and return to sleep.

Celestia watched Twilight and Trixie asleep under her wings. She was proud of her student, and also proud of her 'prisoner'. She knew it was an illusion. That both of these mayflies would be gone in an eye blink, but she was learning to accept that she no longer had to defend them from everything, that some harshness made them better. A harsh road leads to the stars, she thought and relaxed returning to a near doze while they slept soundly beside her.


Rarity had woken late, even for her. She heard very little noise coming from the suite of rooms that she and her friends had shared. "Oh Fluttershy! Applejack? Twilight? Rainbow Dash?" she called into their rooms. Even the inveterate napper was no where to be found.

"Oh dear," she thought as she considered her day. After that disastrous banquet, I have no intention of hunting down Equestrian 'society' for the chats I'd always dreamed of, she thought and sighed sadly.

She stepped out of their suite, noted the stoic guards, and proceeded towards the other occupied room. The pair of guards recognized her, and allowed her entry. Rarity paused, and reverently entered Celestia's own chambers, ceded to the Big Guy and his attendants. The austerity of it stunned her. No wonder those two alternate between getting along, and at each other's throats, they are too alike, she thought of the room that was decorated more along the lines of a public library than of a mare who could afford anything, Then again, who would she have to impress here. Anyone here would already be past the 'I am impressed' stage.

The Big Guy nodded to her, but seemed alone. Rarity didn't see any guards within, nor any of his usual companions. She recognized all he wore on his torso was the soft cloth, inner garment. But he seemed unwilling to put on any of the outer shirts laid out on Celestia's bed.

"That one matches your eyes," she indicated one.

He frowned, shook his head and mimed dragging his fingernails across his skin. Rarity shuddered at the idea.

Like a pony wearing a pretty, sandpaper suit, she thought. She glanced out the window. Rainbow had mentioned off-hoofedly that the local weather team had a major thunderstorm scheduled for late morning to the midafternoon, and the clouds looked like they were nearly ready to start. Well, if Applejack left any ropes behind, I could drag him along for a quick bit of shopping before the rain, she thought and giggled. He seemed to sense something and backed away making a crude + sign with his fingers.


Spitfire landed quickly beside the fallen pegasus. "Rainbow Dash, are you all right?" the Captain of the Wonderbolts wondered if she'd accidently killed one of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony.

"Yah," the rainbow-maned pegasus said as she climbed to her feet. She chuckled nervously. "I guess I got a little carried away."

"Look, Dash, moves are fine, but you have to be able to do moves in formation. The move has to be one that five and sometimes more ponies do at once," Spitfire said quietly. The nervous Wonderbolts' captain didn't understand the Bearer's laughter.

Fortunately Rainbow explained, "The Big Guy had a flying game. I lost. Six times," the Bearer blushed nervously. "But Fluttershy tried to fly in formation with him. He didn't beat her, couldn't, but she wasn't trying to beat him. And she's supposed to be the weak flyer." The admission put Spitfire at ease that the Bearer respected her, and would listen.

"Maybe we should have both of you here," Spitfire offered, testing if that lever would work on the young flier.

"Naw, she's happier with her animals," Rainbow said, "But I think I understand now." She looked up. "Maybe we should practice above those clouds."

Spitfire nodded.


Rarity firmly believed that a lady was judged by her poise and elegance. That a true lady never lost her cool, except when it would help a friend. Which was exactly why she had Hoity-Toity pinned to the wall in his own boutique. "I had assumed,sir, that in your shop it would be different. That you of all ponies would see someone a bit rough around the edges, but seeking the more genteel trapping and ways of Canterlot and the elites, and in the manner of Celestia herself, would guide them to that exalted state," she hissed, "That there would be none of this 'oh the monster let's run' nonsense. Has he overturned your counters? Has he eaten the furnishings? Has he in any way threatened your staff or customers?"

"No," the fashion maven's eyes were still on the tip of the horn that could easily be far, far closer.

"And yet not even a polite request to leave, just running and screaming," Rarity said disgustedly, "And you looked so cute, trembling under your desk." She smiled, which relieved the tension not a whit. "I vouchsafed your reputation, your quality and your ability to serve. And he trusted me. For clothing, a rare and singular honor," she whispered, "If you make a liar of me, sir, I shall be very upset."

The stallion nodded ever so slightly.

"Good," Rarity said happily as she backed off, "I'm sure you have some workers who consider themselves a cut above the rest. I suggest you summon them, and we can begin. Now." The ice on the last word would have sunk the Titanic out of pure malice.

She turned back to the Big Guy, all cheerful smiles. "See, all handled."

The Big Guy frowned and pointed back over her shoulder. Hoity-Toity was gone, not into the back room, but out the window and was running down the street.

"Oh bother," Rarity said and stamped a hoof.


Applejack looked at the various apple trees and the huge amount of research the Royal Arborists, Alchemists, mages and scholars had done on growing apples. She felt her eyes cross as the diagrams of weather displayed by the mages were explained.

"The reason for the thunderstorms is to create nitrogen, which is in the air, into a form that can easily be absorbed by the plants as fertilizer," the scholar said in a tone Applejack had heard from Twilight often enough.

"So, thunderstorms are like the pig and cow manure we spread around the apple trees?" Applejack said, trying to make sense of what she was being told.

"Yes," the scholar said happily, "It's the nitrates in the manure that are also formed by the thunderstorms."

"So, yer helping the farmers around Canterlot," Applejack said.

"Of course," the confused scholar said.

Applejack shook her head. "Never thought just growin' apples was so complicated," she admitted.

"Oh course, none of us have figured out how you managed to work out how to grow Zap apples," one of the arborist-ponies said.

"Family secret," Applejack said firmly, but politely.

"Well, we have been ordered to show you how to grow these," the arborist indicated the Golden Apples of Canterlot, "But we can't get them to grow as reliably as your family can with the Zap Apples." She stepped beside several large pots with Golden Apple saplings in them. "Maybe you can."

"Whoa Nelly," Applejack whispered.


"Why did you bring the Marshmallow?" Discord raged in his head, while Rarity supported a tarp that kept the rain off them, although at times they needed a tent as a gust blew the rain sideways. The cart carrying the bolts of cloth was kept dry with a tarp tied over it.

Because my legs aren't all the way up to snuff, and if I go down, I'll need someone to carry me back to the palace, he replied, Besides, why are you so nervous. You said this gizmo would act like a transistor, boosting the signal of your powers, but giving me the ability to cut you off if you abuse it. If your plan is so above board, why shouldn't someone have some clues about it?

Discord signed. "Look, they don't know the full story about it. Haven't you wondered how Nistag went from a legendary potion master, to someone who couldn't rub two herbs together with oil to get a salad dressing?"

It did occur to me that his reputation was overblown. But so was Nightmare's, he replied.

"What about me?" Discord said.

You are not as random as they said, but only because I was taking their calibration and applying it to my standards, he replied.

"Politely put," Discord complained.

By you own admission, I'm rather random. So they were saying you were 50 out of a possible 20 on the Hope/Burns scale. But I set zero at their 75, and go to a possible 200 on the Williams/Winters scale. Not a cut on you, just a different standard, he explained, placating the Chaos spirit. Besides, how do you know so much about this thing?

The silence after the earlier accusatory tone was highly suspicious.

"I am an expert on ancient magics," Discord said after a pause pregnant with missing data.

Yes, he said dryly, Well, I don't think Rarity will think anything special about this, if you let me distract her after we've got the thing.

"How?" Discord said.

That wagon load of bolts of cloth, what happens after you go through the seven colors of the door? The writing on the door frame is noticeably lacking in details on that fact.

"It will suck all the color from whatever passes through," Discord said, "It'll turn it white, not clear."

Good, that'll do it, he thought as they entered the small shop.

Rarity made a disgusted noise Discord didn't need to translate. What they sought was behind the counter. The shopkeeper had raced out, and fell into near-paralyzed stuttering at sighting him. He pointed to the odd pewter and cinnabar looking jewelry. That panicked the owner into another string of stammering comments Discord didn't translate. He poured the contents of a bag of money on the counter in front of the terrified shopkeeper. The owner stopped being terrified and became positively sycophantic.

"He's asking if you want it wrapped up," Discord said, "You better nod. The fewer ponies who know, the better."

He nodded. No offense to your artistic side, but that thing is plain ugly, red eyes, gaudy red gem and red leading edges, he said.

"No offense taken, I - " There was a little grumbling as Discord retreated to the 'safe room' he'd provided, and slammed the door.

He nodded to the shop keeper and smiled at Rarity. Outside, the storm was going from cloudburst to frog strangler. Rarity looked at him worriedly, but she reestablished their rain cover, and followed him out into the storm.


Pinkie lowered her field glasses, and watched the Big Guy and Rarity move away from the shop. She smiled. "So, that's what her Highness meant. I hope he gets some good use out of it. And I'm glad no pony ever found Nistag's Alicorn Amulet." She headed back to the Castle to report her mission was successful.

I wonder why Twilight never heard about my Pinkie Sense from Princess Celestia? Pinkie wondered, She seemed to know all about it. And that was a doozy. Imagine if Trixie had found it, that would have been a doozy of a doozy!


Lyra watched Trixie walk back towards the room they were sharing, Celestia's own personal quarters. "Trouble?" she asked the showmare.

Trixie looked up and then glanced around. "Why am I here?" she asked quietly, "I am not an 'honored guest', a Bearer of the Elements, or a friend. I am a prisoner, sentenced here because I was part of a criminal conspiracy."

"And if you and Twilight Sparkle stood in a room, which of the two of you would he go to?" Lyra said. "Don't assume you're here on your merits, but your service. Her Highness has been disastrous in her handling him in all but one thing, 'punishing' you into his service. Even when your term is over, you will still be welcome. Celestia is regarded with fear, Twilight with contempt, and many others with concern. Not you or Derpy and Dinky. You've managed what her Highness can't manage. I think that should be a good boast when you go back out on the road." Lyra stood on her back legs and announced, "The Great and Powerful Trixie served alongside the great Ponyville Monster when he singlehoofedly overwhelmed Discord, Nightmare, Tirek, Nistag, and others. She alone stood at his side while others ran away, or stood as stone, The GPT stood beside reminding him of his duty to Equestria and to prevent his fall into despair. What even Her Solar Highness Princess Celestia could not do, was accomplished by the Great and Powerful Trixie. No other mage could keep him firmly on track during the battle and the aftermath. Cue fireworks."

"Perhaps," Trixie said quietly.

"Are you worried you will want to stay and have to leave after your sentence is discharged, or that you won't be able to stay?"

"Both," Trixie admitted. "I have heard Discord has warned the Princesses that he sensed that I want to go traveling to be before the crowds, and that I want to remain. It is true. I enjoy the crowds, the traveling, and the hardships of the road, but I also desire that someone might miss me if I left the world."

"You'll fine somepony," Lyra said.

"My family thinks I shouldn't be doing what I do," Trixie said sadly, "A somepony would be icing on the cake. Trixie would settle for her daily bread."

Lyra nodded.


"This is a dead end," Rarity said as she, the Big Guy and the cart entered the alleyway.

He either didn't hear or didn't understand. He continued drawing the wagon after him. Rarity trotted after him, trying to keep the tarp over them. The rain had driven most ponies from the streets.

"I still don't know why you bought that cloth. I was soft, but it's such a hideous color," she said, trying to keep up her end of the conversation. Especially since she'd utterly failed to provide what he was actually after, comfortable clothes. He hadn't pressed, but she'd seen him picking at the shirt, like a pegasus molting her feathers.

When he touched the rock wall and a door appeared, Rarity gasped. He opened the door and began unpacking the bolts of cloth. The pale mustard, off-white cloth still offended her sense of style. He held up his hands, and put them through some odd motions that would have been more appropriate for Trixie to do, if she had hands. He then picked up the first of eight bolts and threw it through the door. Rarity gasped and only an interposed leg prevented her from following it, and likely getting the same treatment. The cloth that landed was a rich, red color. Even the tube at the center of the roll. Orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, and pure white were added to the pile. Rarity stared at the collection, then at the Big Guy. "How did you do that?"

He gave her an infuriatingly smug grin, and shut the door. He moved several pieces of the door's molding, before he opened it again and stepped through, without being color changed. Rarity risked a hoof tip. When it didn't change, she stepped through and drew the cart after her. She looked herself over and was glad nothing had happened. He closed the door behind them.

"All right, you can go through, but the rest of us can't," Rarity said. She made an image of the shirt. He nodded. "Well, these are much better colors. I'll have one or two done shortly. After a shower and brushing." She lifted all the cloth bolts, loaded them in the cart and continued to the door leading to Ponyville.


"And then you dip the apple in the caramel," Applejack said distractedly, as Twilight, Pinkie and her Highness Celestia watched. They stood in one of the minor kitchens.

"Are you okay, Applejack?" Twilight asked.

"Oh, sure, Twi," Applejack said and smiled, then the smile faded. "I just think of what Applebloom'll do with six Golden Apple saplings ta deal with. She picked up the Zap Apple tricks better'n Big Mac or me ever did."

"Maybe she'll cross them," Pinkie suggested.

Applejack stared at Pinkie in horror. "Bite yur tongue!" Applejack gasped.

"That would be interesting," Celestia suggested.

Applejack whispered to Twilight, "Discord's still locked up, right?" She smiled at her Highness. "Tell me ya checked," she whispered to Twilight. She smiled at her Highness.

Twilight smiled nervously, because Celestia grinned widely with wild, wide eyes.

Her Solar Highness let out a mad giggle and rubbed her hooves together. "Golden Zap Apples!"

"Caramel Apple?" Pinkie asked as she offered one to her Highness.

"Thank you," Celestia said sweetly.

Applejack looked over at Twilight, and saw only her twitching hooves in the air.


He'd had to get away from the hustle and bustle that was Canterlot for a time. I haven't been this humiliated since the G-G-gala, he thought bitterly as he marched through the caverns deep beneath Canterlot. It could have been a wonderful evening off in a corner somewhere talking about gems, precious stones, cutting and setting them. Instead, I get another gold-digger after me for my title who won't take 'no' for a hint applied with a mallet. He spotted a tourmaline that had escape his and everypony's previous attentions. Well, aren't you a pretty thing. And perfect. No, my dear aunt had to play another of her pranks. 'You must learn not to judge a book by its cover.' Ha! If she thinks I need to learn that lesson, she needs it worse. I've been using that ever since my 'coming out party', when I stopped being teased about my 'silly rock collection' and started being a rung to let those same fillies who teased me climb up the Canterlot social ladder. He worked carefully not to damage the gem as he worried away the rock holding it. I didn't judge a book by its cover, I judged it by the first chapters that read just like every other social climber who wanted to finish the book 'How I became The Doyen of Equestrian High Society', by marrying Prince Blueblood.

He carefully removed the gem from the rock around it. He sneezed at the rock dust that had silted down on his muzzle and forelegs. "Oh dear, I've gotten dirty," he exclaimed in a tremulous voice most in Canterlot would recognize.

Dichroic, he thought as he turned the crystal, the deep azure that had first caught his eye faded almost to nothing. It would have to be those colors, he thought hopelessly as he carefully wrapped the stone and placed it in the chest he'd levitated along with him on his trek.

He continued towards the one place he could think and be at peace. He stopped and stared in amazement. Someone finally had the guts to do what I haven't, he thought of the house sitting right in the middle of the spot. A bit garish for anywhere but Canterlot and completely underdone for there, he thought as he started to approach. The storm over the city kept the normally well-illuminated spot dark, or brilliant, depending on the position and intensity of the lightning.

He froze at the sound of a mechanical click. It wasn't loud, but it carried an authority to it. And it happened only after I was clearly going towards the house, he thought and felt his knees trembling. He would have admitted it to friends, if he'd had any, that he was a terrible coward. The only completely unscripted act of the gala was using her as a pony shield. I'm also not stupid, he thought as the chest, and especially the pick axe settled on the ground well away from him, before he turned around. Then he pissed himself.

I don't believe he really ate Auntie Celestia, or that she cut her way out of his belly with her horn. Or if they did, it was just being kinky. But I do know he went up against most of the monsters of Equestrian history, including Nightmare and Discord, and not only survived, but won, he thought quickly on seeing the famous 'Ponyville Monster' sitting on an outcropping holding a dull, metal object as if it made him the equal of a war-trained unicorn.

"Hello," he offered carefully, moving sideways to get away from the spread of the puddle he'd just created.

The creature nodded slightly. A distinctly friendly gesture, to counterpoint the malevolence in his hand, aimed right between the unicorn's eyes.

"I didn't know anyone else ever came down here," he said, realized he was babbling, but couldn't help himself. "If you are staking a homestead here, I will gladly leave and inform - no I won't inform anyone, your secret is safe. I won't tell anyone, and no one would ever believe me anyway."

The creature whistled sharply. He shut up, and waited. The creature touched his head.

"Oh my helmet?" He took it off with a hoof, aimed the light at the ground and flicked it on, then off. "Keeps me from bashing my head on the rocks. Or losing my way in the dark." He chuckled nervously, something that irritated most of the upper crust. Fortunately, the creature took it in stride.

The creature made a horn sign on his forehead, then pointed to Blueblood and shook his head. Then he tapped the metal weapon, and tapped himself between the eyes and shook his head. Then looked at the terrified Prince.

"If I don't hurt you, you won't hurt me," Blueblood said very carefully. The creature's nod lifted the weight of the world from his shoulders. "Thank you, I'll agree to that." He held out a hoof. The creature beeped him, and Blueblood carefully beeped the Ponyville Monster in return. "Sorry about the rock dust."

The creature did something complicated with the weapon, before returning it to a pocket/pouch on his belt. He picked up the pick axe, but signaled Blueblood to pick up the chest and follow him.

" 'Dear Auntie Celestia, on encountering the Ponyville Monster, he invited me for tea and we talked about rocks. A far better outcome that my arranged encounter with your friend Rarity. I think that proved random chance does a better job with my life than you. Prince Blueblood'," he muttered as they walked. The house was everything the rumors said it was, disregarding exaggerations, but all the scale was due to the inhabitants being half-again as tall as even a large pony, and having a capacity for reaching and climbing most ponies lacked.

The great monster house is build for function, he thought as he entered and saw the famous bookcases filled with alien lore. But the creature gestured him in, once he'd wiped his feet, and had him set the chest in the front hallway. There was another set of bookshelves and the monster was already picking several books out, and setting them on a coffee table. Those are all books on gems, he realized, Alien stones, alien crystals! He felt a twinge of excitement.

The creature opened one of the small ones and showed him words and pictures. He then wrote what was presumably the name of the stone on a sheet of paper. Blueblood returned to the chest, opened it by touching his horn to it.

I could have done this across the room, but let's not be scary, he thought as he extracted a guidebook on gems, paged through it until he saw a similar stone.

"I think this is it," he said and carefully wrote the name beside the alien squiggle.

The creature opened several of the much larger books, and arranged them on the table, then put the paper on a clipboard. He put the names of the stones displayed, and handed the clipboard to Blueblood. The unicorn began going through his guidebook to find similar stones.

"I can't guarantee this will be completely accurate, but I'll do my best," Blueblood told him as the creature got up and headed towards the kitchen, presumably to make tea for them.

I can't believe I'm going to be helping with the Equestrian to Monster dictionary. Auntie will be stunned, he considered, So to spare her, I just won't tell. He smiled at that and found another decent match.


"Your Highness, how goes your investigation?" Lyra asked as she bowed to Princess Luna.

" 'Investigation'?" Luna asked.

"Yes, the mating dance," Lyra said, "I realized that while you wouldn't have consummated in public, you can enter dreams. I was just wondering if it was attraction, or just academic curiosity."

"You overstep yourself," Luna said quietly.

"Attraction then," Lyra said happily, "You might want to study the mating practices of spiders then. It's the closest Equestrian analog to what you two were doing. The Royal Cryptobiological Society heartily recommended the Appaloosan Box Cave Spider. It builds extensive burrows, and the male allows the female to take over the burrow after he's fertilized her. They have an absolutely beautiful and delicate courtship dance, so neither will revert to instinct and think the other is prey. One false step too fast and boom, lover becomes lunch. It's also interesting because both are normally independent, not living in communities. So it really is a meeting of dangerous equals. I'm glad I could help," Lyra said, bowed and trotted off.

Luna shook her head and looked around. "Where does jumping out of a cake in a torn dress fit into that? The rest doesn't fit into anything."


"I'm back!" Rarity announced as she arrived back at the Big Guy's house. She heard the squeak and what sounded like scrambling hooves, hung the shirts on the doorknob and dashed in to protect her friend. "You!" she shouted with more venom than a barrel of rattlesnakes, "You!" She advanced on this invader into her friend's home with baleful intent. "I won't kill you, because that would be too easy," she hissed, "But you'll be amazed at the things you can live through. And there are so many wonderful places to dump your body."

The Prince, the bane of her dreams, squealed frantically as he scrambled into the kitchen. Rarity stalked after him. She found him in the kitchen, clutching the Big Guy's ankles as he trembled behind him. The Big Guy looked completely perplexed at the prince's reaction to Rarity.

"Stand clear," Rarity said, "We'll finish this like proper ladies and gentlecolts!" Rarity said, only to have the Big Guy interpose himself between them. Made more difficult by the grip Blueblood had on his ankles.

"He invited me," Blueblood yelped suddenly, "He wanted the Equestrian names for some precious stones!"

"You?" Rarity asked, "Why you? He asked you? What would you know about stones?"

The Big Guy whistled and made a motion with his hands reminiscent of scissors cutting.

Rarity calmed down slightly, and watched the Big Guy disentangle himself. He led Rarity back to the coffee table where many books were laid out. Rarity recognized some as Equestrian guide books on gems, others were clearly in the Big Guy's native tongue. The surprise was the sheet on the clipboard. Some words were clearly in Equestrian, but next were word from the Big Guy's language, but both were written in the same hoof.

Rarity looked back and saw a terrified Blueblood nervously peeking around the corner. "You did this?" she asked.

He nodded, glancing at the Big Guy hopefully.

"Then come over here and finish," Rarity ordered, "I can correct any errors you've made later."

"I am a member of the Royal Academy's Lapidary Society," he said indignantly, but got no closer.

"How many bits a year does that cost?" Rarity said.

Both froze as the Big Guy stood and opened the trunk that stood in his entryway. He pulled out a tourmaline as long as her leg, and carefully set it in front of Rarity. She turned it, seeing it's dichroic nature. "You collected it without damaging it. Not difficult, but you may show some skill."

Blueblood took a seat across the table from her. "Aren't you going to grade my paper and tell me that I shouldn't be 'wasting time playing with rocks'?"

Rarity growled but kept her outwardly calm demeanor. "I don't think working with gems is playing with rocks," she said icily.

"Neither do I," he replied heatedly.


"You ready for some real formation flying, newbie?" Spitfire asked as she and Rainbow soared down through the dissipating clouds. The storm was over and the clouds could be dispersed.

"Right on your wing!" Rainbow exclaimed.

"Enthusiasm is fine, but this is precision," Spitfire replied and went into a shallow dive with Rainbow's wingtip practically glued to hers. Below a familiar purple unicorn and an orange Earth pony waved to their friend.

"Remember, it's not how close we come, it's how close they think we're going to come," Spitfire reminded Rainbow. "Safety of the audience and your teammates is paramount, but that doesn't preclude giving them a good scare." Spitfire looked at the gleaming city, and lamented that her charge was more interested in flying, than the other joys that flight brought.

Maybe that makes her a good Bearer, but not a good Wonderbolt, Spitfire thought sadly, Have to love flying for what more you can do, not just what tricks you do.

Rainbow chuckled as the happy smiles on the two ponies become concerned, and then horrified as the two pegasi dove on them line-abreast. The earth pony tackled the stunned unicorn to the ground as the two pegasi missed them by a yard.

"Rainbow Dash, I'll gonna teach you a few tricks on flying," the earth pony shouted after them, "When I kick your flank to Appaloosa!"

Rainbow Dash laughed at the emptiness of the threat her friend had made. "As if she could catch me."

"I hear tell you're just a room or two away," Spitfire retorted, "More important, if they hadn't ducked, how far would we have missed them by?"

"A few inches I guess," Rainbow said.

Spitfire shook her head. "We would have missed them by a yard, or more. A Wonderbolt controls her flight, she never lets flight control her."

Rainbow considered. "I understand."

"Good, now, since they're standing up again, let's do it again and you lead," Spitfire said and grinned.

"Miss'em by a yard, or more. Got it," Rainbow said as she started her dive.


Fluttershy was enjoying the peace and tranquility of the palace, until a dozen guards thundered by, followed closely by Rainbow Dash and Spitfire.

"Move! Move! Move!" Rainbow shouted as she raced to try to find an opening that would let her escape.

Applejack chased after the entire group whirling a lariat mumbling something about Appaloosa not being far enough. A little ways down the corridor, Trixie was trying to untangle Twilight from a rope.

"That knot usually has to be cut to separate it," Trixie explained to her fellow unicorn, who looked like she had wrestled a knotted octopus.

"Just hurry, Applejack is getting away!" Twilight insisted.

"And you were going to keep her pinned with a rope?" Trixie asked as she worried the end loose and untied another of the tangles that bound Twilight.

"It looks like everyone had such a good time today," Fluttershy offered. She didn't understand why Twilight growled.

She looked around. "Oh, do you know where Rarity is, I think we all ran off and left her."

"She was shopping with the Big Guy," Pinkie Pie said as she hopped up. "Ooo! Party games." Her hooves blurred and Twilight was properly hogtied and her mouth tied shut with the rope all the knots topped by a big bow.

"Did I win, did I win?" Pinkie asked as she bounced happily.

As Twilight gritted her teeth, the ropes began to smolder.

"Oh, wrong game, bye now." Pinkie vanished. She rematerialized and collected Fluttershy before vanishing again.

"That's a good look for you Sparkle," Trixie said, then was illuminated by the flames of Twilight, "Oh not good for Trixie." She backed up hastily. "Say, why didn't you do that before?" Trixie asked the flaming spectral creature.

The exhausted and slightly singed Twilight reappeared and dropped to the ground. "I give up."

"Let's get you a nice nap, and you'll feel all better," Trixie said as she levitated Twilight, "At least you aren't working with a knife thrower when you are all tied up. Before I was the Great and Powerful Trixie, I worked for others. The act had Trixie tied to a spinning wagon wheel. So he'd know where to throw. But once the axle seized, but the act had to go on so he kept throwing. Fortunately missing Trixie."

"That's terrible," Twilight said muzzily.

"Then it happened again and Trixie quit. Trixie has never really trusted wheels after that," Trixie admitted and chuckled, "Silly isn't it?"


"My mane?" Rarity stammered as the Big Guy held out a hair clip, "But I just had it styled."

"I don't think he's going to hurt it," Blueblood said, "Just a different look."

Rarity glared at him. "And just how do you know?" she asked icily.

This time he stood up to her. "I have been hunted like the prize at a steeplejack race by the most persistent and clingy gold-diggers in Canterlot society. Mares who would crawl through a muddy puddle full of broken glass to stand by the glory that is Prince Blueblood. Of course I know when they 'adopt a new look'."

"And was I one of those gold-diggers?" she asked angrily.

"It took getting hit in the face with a cake to get through to you," he replied with some anger of his own, "Most of them would have cracked at least a little when I insulted their friends. No insult to you, or even your friends dislodged you."

Rarity growled in fury.

"I am sorry about the cake," he shamefully admitted, "That was ungenerous."

"It was," Rarity agreed quietly. She walked over to the Big Guy and offered her head.

He carefully collected her mane, made a ponytail, then doubled it over to shorten it before clipping it. He took a mirror off the wall and showed Rarity the effect.

"I can't say I like the look," she admitted, "But I can see the point of keeping one's mane out of the work, or off the ground."

"Looks sporty, like your friend Applejack," Blueblood said. He flinched at her glare, but the smile didn't depart completely.

"Well, that was informative," Rarity said to the Big Guy, "Now, if you wouldn't mind?"

He removed the clip and smoothed out her mane. He carried the clip deeper into the house.

"Sometimes I don't understand that . . . " Rarity said.

"Curiosity," Blueblood said, "Insatiable curiosity. Now, this book clearly shows that the rose quartz can't be the translation. Those stones are the wrong color."

"You can read that?" Rarity asked.

"No, but I can puzzle out that the words are similar. Ignoring the serifs and other variations the words seem the same," Blueblood said.

Rarity nodded, and noted the tray of sandwiches and tea the Big Guy delivered. "This smells of peanuts and raspberries," she noted.

"When in Stalliongrad," Blueblood offered and levitated a sandwich, took a bite while Rarity looked dubiously at it. He gasped.

"What!?" Rarity demanded.

"It's rather tasty," Blueblood said offhandedly, "No, it's truly awful." He began moving the plate away from Rarity. "No one should subject a lady such as yourself -"

Rarity picked a sandwich off the retreating plate and bit it. "Yes, they are rather good. Although I do wish they had ground the peanuts more."

"I rather like it, it's also a good reminder to watch out for the raspberry seeds," Blueblood replied. He sighed. "I wish I hadn't met you at the gala. It would make this easier."

"Make what easier?" Rarity asked.

"This translation, maybe we could have gone off to a corner and talked about stones," he said, "But it did turn out interestingly. For a week, all anyone could talk about was 'that mare who finally told off Prince Blueblood'. I had such fun playing the wounded peacock. 'Oh, she shouted at me so coarsely, and that dress, she designed it herself.'"

"You insulted my dress?" Rarity asked quietly.

"Of course, if I insulted it, it must be good. After all, I'm just a spoiled child with no taste in art or literature. No real culture or learning. If I wasn't a near royal, I'd starve to death. I was so glad your friend Twilight was in my classes at the School for Gifted Unicorns, no matter how well I did, she was so far out ahead of the pack it was frightening. No one remembers I got three upper firsts in advance placement, not with Twilight practically rewriting the curriculum and magical theory as she went along. No matter how well I did, all everyone remembers was how much I trailed your friend Twilight. In a way, it was the kindest thing anyone has ever done. For once I didn't have to hide. Other ponies' expectations colored the results marvelously."

"You seem proud of that," Rarity said.

"That even dear auntie Celestia sees me as a disappointment?" Blueblood said bitterly, "I am. If I lived in Ponyville, I could be someone. Like you. But Canterlot? All that matters is my family, and their connections. I joined the military, and they browbeat poor Captain Armor into stationing me in Canterlot. I try to leave, they'll use their power and influence to sweep me up and drop me back into their 'loving embrace', to have to sit through one more tea party listening to them talk about 'when we rule Equestrian', as if Celestia were going to drop dead any time in our grandchildrens' lifetimes." He stood up and began pacing. "You sat between my mother and my aunt at the banquet, how would you like to live with that and twenty other know nothings all bleating about 'the old days'. As if they wouldn't have pissed themselves and run away facing Discord, Sombra, Nistag, and all the others." He faced Rarity. "Don't try to become Canterlot high society. Your friend Applejack is close to the Oranges of Manehatten, your friend Twilight is already minor nobility in Canterlot. You're a Bearer of an Element of Harmony. You can be whomever you wish. You can be heralded as a fashion designer, or a hero of the realm, you can write books on gems, or, or whatever you want. Canterlot is the capital, but it's more insular than Ponyville. It's a jumped up guard outpost that Celestia set up after her battle with Nightmare Moon wrecked her and Luna's home. But because she was there, because she wanted some culture all the sycophants and hangers-on crowded in and built a beautiful city. But it's more beautiful from Ponyville than if you grew up or lived there."

"Twilight seems to have liked it," Rarity said cautiously to the agitated, rapidly pacing unicorn.

"Twilight Sparkle lives her life in her own head," he said sharply, "You rarely saw her without her nose in a book. She disappeared into books because she thought some of her 'Canterlot friends' weren't trying to use her to get close to the Princess, and she couldn't tell the false from the real. She could tell. She couldn't bear to believe that nearly all her friends saw her as a stepping stone in the grand political games. Except Spike, and that crazy lizard played the political game better than most adults, just never with Twilight. I don't think there's a mover and shaker in the entire city who doesn't know and trust him."

"I never thought about Spike that way," Rarity admitted.

"After he got Hoity-Toity to travel out to Ponyville, after he got you a second chance to show your dresses?" Blueblood scoffed, "If I may say, you don't know how connected your friends really are. That you haven't dug that up does you credit," he added.

"Thank you, for the warning. It is good to know I can pull strings, and that I shouldn't demand what my friends can give me," Rarity said. "You should take some time to discover who your real friends are."

"I don't have any. Any worth having wouldn't have stayed," Blueblood said.

"There are doors, just outside that one." She nodded to the front door. "One leads to Ponyville. Another that leads to a Canterlot street has a side effect, it colors whatever passes through it, and uncolors it once it passes back. Unless the Big Guy gimmicks it somehow. But you want the color change. Big, bright-red stallion comes in looking for a little work while he does some rock collecting. You'll be back in Canterlot at night, back to your original color, and no one the wiser."

"I can't see how that would work," he admitted.

"You are a member of the Royal Academy's Lapidary Society. I assume you can get some token that doesn't have you name on it." Rarity stood next to him. "Go after what you want, and to Hades with them. If you really want to escape, then escape. I had to. After all, if the Big Guy has books on rocks, wouldn't they send someone?"

"Perhaps." He rubbed his chin with a hoof.

"The voice is a give away though," Rarity admitted.

"If'n yew kin do an accent, so kin ah," he said.

"Puleez, even Applejack's isn't that bad," Rarity said.

"Zen ze how you say, fancy accent, it makes me popular with discerning ladies, no?" he offered.

"I think you're giving Discord tummy troubles," Rarity said, "Something less."

"How this?" he asked.

"Different enough that anyone who hasn't heard you won't know it's you," Rarity admitted, "So you'd better let Twilight and Sveti in on the ruse."

"Agreed. Won't that be interesting reading for the griffons. The Prince of Canterlot hiding out in Ponyville under an assumed name, with assumed hair."

"Better than the alternative," she said.


Rarity noted the much larger number of guards outside the suite of rooms she and the girls shared. "Exciting day?" she asked her friends, and the small guard force inside the room. "Everyone have a good time?"

She noted the half-hidden smirk from Rainbow Dash, and the answering death glares from Applejack and Twilight. "Well, I brought someone along to raise all our moods," she said, and stepped aside.

"Spike!" Twilight said happily, dashing over to hug her assistant.

"Twilight," the dragon replied, happily hugging her.

"Since Spikey-Wikey had such a wonderful itinerary planned out for us on the night of the Gala, I decided now would be a wonderful time to let him show his insiders' tour."

"Sounds great," Twilight said, "If you're sure it wouldn't be too much trouble."

"No trouble at all," Spike told them happily, "Should we get the others? Lyra and Trixie?"

"I'd certainly like to come along," Celestia said as she entered, and bowed her head to let Spike nuzzle her, "It's not often I get a chance to see Canterlot through the eyes of another."

"Your Highness," Rarity said, "Aren't you kind of conspicuous?"

Suddenly Rarity was looking down at the Crusader-aged alicorn. "Celly doesn't think so," Celestia said. "Besides, crime has been on a downturn lately, I can take a night off from being Batmare."

Twilight snorted at the very old joke.


Celestia enjoyed her time incognito with her student's friends. Although I almost feel like I'm stealing them, she thought guiltily, But what 'friends' do I have? My sister is a friend, but she's also my sister. The diplomatic corps is full of people who would gladly be my friend, but they are working for their country's best interests, and around them, I have to work for mine. She looked at the people. An alien, a griffon, a dragon and a collection of ponies, all enjoying each others company, and she felt like a tag along.

She glanced up at the wizard's hat she wore over her horn. Was that the Big Guy's decision, or Discord's suggestion? she wondered, At least it eliminates the question of an additional alicorn.

The others wore similar hats, including Spike and Applejack, although she wore hers on top of her Stetson. Spike was telling the history of many of the more famous of the crown jewels, and managing to do a more interesting job that the usual tour guides.

He's also not trying to eat them, Celestia noted with a snicker.

Too soon the tour was over, the group headed out to the gardens. It amazed Celestia that Spike simply vouching for the group seemed to let him gain access to places she thought were heavily guarded. Although they always asked him an odd question, so they might have a prepositioned plan if he's being forced to take someone through, she thought as they entered the grove of golden apple trees.

"These are what Applejack got her briefing on," Twilight said happily and looked back to Applejack.

"I don't want ta even think about them apples. I'll have a hard enough time explaining it all ta Applebloom and Big Macintosh," Applejack said wearily.

"So how are these any different from regular golden delicious apples?" Rainbow asked as she circled the tree.

"These are golden apples, not golden delicious," Celestia said, "They are, very different."

Spike explained the difference, including some of the reputed magical properties.

"Why aren't these more widely known?" Sveti asked.

"These are all there is. And the fruit is replaced only very slowly, perhaps one every few years," Celestia admitted, "We don't have enough to do all the experiments ponies want. With more trees, we should be able to get more apples to test."

"How do you know about all this?" Twilight asked Spike, "I've read dozens of books on the subject and none of them have half that information."

"I talked with the gardeners and the guards," Spike said, "Books are good, ponies are better."

Twilight looked a bit exasperated, but took it good naturedly.

After some discussion on the 'help' Applejack would need for the apples, Applejack finally came up with NONE! They laughingly left the trees behind and walked out into the streets of Canterlot. Ponies were coming and going, to restaurants, performances, clubs of various kinds.

"Is she happier with ponies being more active at night?" Twilight asked.

"Very much so, but they still don't look at the stars much," Celestia said, "That still hurts, but then if funny faces appeared on the sun, I doubt most ponies would notice."

A group of street performers were putting on a farce. Trixie led them over to watch.

"That's one thing I don't think I can ever forgive him for," Celestia said as an Earth pony in a white suit stood on his hind legs and used a pair of sparklers to defeat other performers dressed as Discord, Nightmare and others.

"Not the Big Guy," Fluttershy said, "You mean, him."

Celestia nodded. "Yes, he created mimes."

The pony in the suit had defeated all the villains, and other ponies celebrated, but he seemed exhausted. A white pegasus wearing an artificial horn hugged the weary figure. As she stepped away, all the players who were formerly villains reappeared wearing mismatched guard uniforms. They began to beat the earth pony in the suit with slapsticks labeled 'knockwurst', 'salami' and 'pepperoni'.

Celestia felt her heart curdling inside as 'her' kept smilingly waving to the crowd, and that the crowd were laughing uproariously at the spectacle. Applejack seemed more than ready to do more than cringe, but the Big Guy had a hold of her mane and seemed unwilling to let go.

So Applejack can injure him to get loose, or accept the parody, Celestia thought, She won't hurt him, so she must abide.

The guards dragged off the 'human' and 'Celestia' returned and earnestly looked for him on the floor. The guards who remained behind never volunteered what happened. The crowd laughed more at the scene that somehow absolved Celestia of wrongdoing and put all blame on the guards.

While that is true, it isn't fair. I should have kept a better eye on him, Celestia admitted to herself as citizens tossed a few bits into the sack the players had set up to accept them. The Big Guy walked up to the sack. The actor minding the sack suddenly realized this paying customer was a lot taller than average, then the Big Guy took off his cloak and essentially voided the spell that made eyes slide off him. The actor vanished while the Big Guy poured a handful of bits into the sack. Most of the customers ran off in terror, as did most of the other players. Only a colt remained behind as he was too terrified to run. The Big Guy approached with the sack, while the colt's knees knocked. The Big Guy poured the sack's contents into the colt's saddle bags, patted him on the head and walked away.

"MOMMY!" the colt screamed in mortal terror.

Trixie and Rainbow kept Fluttershy from trying to soothe the colt as the group moved away. Applejack chuckled.

"Okay, that was better than jumpin' in and kickin' flank," the farm pony admitted.

They continued to Pony Joe's for a late night doughnut and some conversation.


"That one!" Applejack insisted, pointing at the bottlecap on the left.

"No way, it's the one in the middle," Rainbow countered, "His hands are fast, but they aren't that fast!"

Lyra just snickered, enjoying just watching him.

The Big Guy turned over both caps they had indicated, and predictably the bit of pocket lint wasn't under either.

"Aw man, I was so sure," Rainbow complained.

The Big Guy slid the unturned cap into the center, and then began shuffling the caps around in a seemingly random manner. Celestia watched the game and considered if she was quick enough to catch which it was under.

"It's in his lap, Highness," Trixie whispered, "That's why he turns over the other two, so he never has to show it isn't there. There are similar cons I've seen."

"I see," Celestia said, "So he's cheating."

"No, he's entertaining. If it was for money, then it's cheating," Trixie said.

At another table, Pinkie Pie was staring at a doughnut from all sides. Sveti watched her fascination with the pasty.

"Are you going to eat that, or prepare a doctoral dissertation on it?" Sveti asked.

"How do they know to put the hole in the middle?" Pinkie asked, "Some ancient cabal of baker-wizards?"

"Probably they just saw that the centers didn't get cooked so they cut a hole in the center," Sveti said.

"Naw, that's too easy," Pinkie said, and ate the doughnut.

Sveti stared at Pinkie, as if trying to figure out if she'd been insulted, or if Pinkie was normally this way.

Twilight was at a table with Rarity. "I believe we may have a few more pages available for the dictionary," Rarity said, "Our friend caught a member of the Royal Academy's Lapidary Society and nearly press-ganged him into translating. Until he saw the books. At that point, he became a willing helper. I think we'll be seeing more of him."

"The Royal Academy's Lapidary Society?" Twilight asked, "That stuffy club barely exists, if not for Prince Blueblood's patronage, and the gem guide books by Encage Sangbleu they wouldn't exist."

" 'Encage Sangbleu'," Rarity said and raised an eyebrow, "Good guide books?"

"Oh, the best, I gave you your set for your last birthday," Twilight said, "Not cheap, but better than the twaddle they convince most amateur rockhounds to buy. Of course they are written for experts, so starting with eh twaddle books may be the only option."

"Interesting, Twilight," Rarity said, "Well, as I said, he'll be coming here and speaking with some of us while he putters about. I think he may be wondering about the possibility of stones we don't have, and samples that the Big Guy's house may have brought along."

"Really!" Twilight asked excitedly.

"I doubt there is, every stone I saw in the 'monster' gem books looked to be some type I recognized," Rarity said, "So I'd be very surprised if he finds something."

"Rarity, maybe you could join the Society, it would put you closer to Prince Blueblood," Twilight teased.

Rather than rise to the bait, Rarity said earnestly, "Twilight, I had a conversation about people using relationships for social climbing." Rarity added sternly, "As you are a former victim of it, I would advise against recommending it as a course of action. If I'd understood that 'my widdle Spikey-Wikey' could open every door into Canterlot I ever wanted to go through, I might have abused our friendship rather mercilessly." She paused, hoof on chin. "I wonder if Prince Blueblood became the way he is because he didn't have books to hide in, like a unicorn filly who had to be thrown onto the wider world by no less than Celestia herself."

"I am nothing like him," Twilight said, "He was a slacker, always behind me on tests, never doing extra-credit, always hanging out with his feckless friends, and the laughing about putting in a weekend of studying."

"So, absolutely useless in the lab?" Rarity asked.

"Not useless, just no great shakes," Twilight said dismissively.

"At your school, a triple first, rare? Hard to get?" Rarity asked.

"Rare, yes. Hard, no. I got a Quintuple, first time in history. Someone scratches out a triple every couple decades," Twilight said and rolled her eyes, "They could do better if they really applied themselves. Why the sudden interest in my schooling?"

"Met a classmate of yours, Twilight 'nose-in-a-book' Sparkle. He said you live your life inside your head. I had thought he was just being insulting. He was, but it's also pretty accurate," Rarity said and smiled, "I'm glad you let the rest of us in there occasionally."

Twilight huffed, which made Rarity laugh.

She looked around the shop, and at the finally-sleeping city beyond the windows. "I was just wondering how this shining beacon could be so lonely to so many ponies," Rarity said, "And how I always envied the ponies who grew up here. Now I realize that I may not have had the experience, but I think I am better wanting to be better, rather than wanting to be admired for how good I am."

"I could have told you that," Twilight said sarcastically.

"Then why didn't you enlighten me earlier?" Rarity pouted.

"You didn't ask," Twilight replied defensively.

"Twilight, Twilight, Twilight, a good fashion designer knows their customer's needs before they walk in the front door," Rarity said haughtily, then giggled at Twilight's expression.

Twilight started laughing as well.

Fluttershy was looking after Spike and Dinky, who were peacefully sleeping after a long exciting night. Derpy was trying to learn a griffon dance step from Sveti.

The 'Sand Cobra' is a good teacher, Celestia thought as she watched the pegasus go through the steps again, slowly. Then she repeated then slowly, then at full speed. Derpy grew more confident as she worked.

"Don't look at your feet, feel where your feet are," Sveti said, "Close you eyes if you have to."

"Okay," the pegasus said, and closed her eyes, but kept her face pointed at her feet.

The griffon looked at Celestia and shrugged. Celestia nodded, but Derpy's performance was better not watching than watching.

She sighed at the little groups and that she was welcome in any of them, she wanted to be with all of them at once. So pick one, she thought, You have to make those kinds of decisions all the time. She walked over to join in the girl talk with Rarity and Twilight. Dawn coming too soon, then I'll be back to the serene ruler of Equestrian.

"Rarity, would you like to hear a few stories about Twilight?" Celestia said.

"Certain, your -" Rarity asked as Celestia raised an eyebrow, "Certainly, Celestia."

"Well, she was always inquisitive, but I hadn't gotten her a laboratory yet. My mistake," Celestia said.

"I thought you said you'd never tell the jam story!" Twilight complained.

Celestia stared. "I was going to tell about you dissecting that fireworks rocket," Celestia said, "But if you want to tell Rarity about the jam, I won't correct you."

Twilight looked like the doughnut had gone to war in her stomach.

" 'Jam'?" Rarity asked and grinned at Twilight, "I can imagine about dissecting fireworks. Sweetie Belle and the Crusaders got one of the big ones. They discovered why you don't handle rocket filling by candlelight."

"Was anypony hurt?" Celestia gasped.

"No, but it was a month before their club house smelled like anything but spent fireworks," Rarity admitted, then looked at Twilight and smiled. The purple mare's ears flattened. "But Twilight, I never thought your safety lecture was based on actual experience."

Twilight whimpered a little. "Ah, uh, yes. Much, ah, safer experience later."

"Not like jam?" Rarity asked.

"No that was - " Twilight looked at her friends slowly clustering around. She sighed. "Okay, I didn't know about superheated liquids. So the juice was just sitting there, when it was supposed to be boiling. So I dumped the chopped up fruit in anyway. It all flashed to steam in an instant."

"And you're embarrassed about that?" Rainbow asked.

Celestia had her mouth clamped shut and she was humming a tune.

Twilight sighed. "I was making the jam for a tea I was going to have with Celestia and Shining Armor. They'd arrived and I didn't have the jam ready. Raspberries don't really go with white coats very well," Twilight admitted.

"The raspberries thought they went with white coats very well," Celestia said, "And were very persistent in that belief."

Twilight laid her head on the table and moaned.

"Well, I reckon that's why Shining Armor got so good with shield spells," Applejack said, "All thanks to his little sister Twi." She patted Twilight's head.

Twilight moaned again.

"It could have been worse," Celestia said, "I thought I could befriend anything. And I could. Except for this one skunk. Then none of my friends would come anywhere near me." She laughed, giving permission for the others to do so. Although they did it nervously.

"You could tell them about the Raw Alfalfa Monster," Sveti suggested.

Celestia put her head on the table and moaned. The laughter was less forced this time.

Author's Note:

Bob Hope/George Burns scale for minor 4th wall breaking
Robin Williams/Jonathan Winters for sailcats and serious WTF!

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