Chapter I : The First Setback
Equestria First and Only
by Verlax
Pre-Readed and Corrected by :
Dusk Apollo - Hingard
Cover Art by : Angry Muffins
Characters from Gaunt's Ghost novel series belong to Dan Abnett and Black Library, I don't own any of them.
Characters from My Little Pony, Friendship is Magic belong to Lauren Faust and Hasbro, I don't own any of them.
Chapter I : The First Setback
Thought of the Day : Happiness is a delusion of the weak.
Location : Segmentum Pacificus, surface of the Darendara planet, Secessionist's Last Stand in the Palace
Time : 758.M41
Cadet-Commissar Gaunt signalled to General Caernavar and Commissar-General Oktar that the fight was over. He brought the prisoners out with their hands on their heads as Hyrkan troops set about disabling gun emplacements and munitions stores.
"What do we do with her?" - Tanhause asked him.
Gaunt turned from the assault cannon he had been stripping of its firing pin. The girl was lovely, white-skinned and black haired, as was the pedigree of the Darendarans. She clawed at the clenching hands of the Hyrkan troops hustling her and other prisoners down the draughty hallway.
When she saw Gaunt, she stopped dead. He expected vitriol, anger, the verbal abuse so common in the defeated and imprisoned whose beliefs and cause had been crushed. But what he saw in her face froze him in surprise. Her eyes were glassy, deep, like polished marble. There was a look in her face as she stared back at him. Gaunt shivered when he realised the look was recognition.
"There will be six." - she said suddenly, speaking surprisingly perfect High Gothic with no trace of the local accent. The voice didn’t seem to be her own. It was guttural, and its words did not seem to match the movement of her lips.
"Six living manifestations of power. Save them, and you will be free. Do not abandon them. But first you must find your ghosts."
"Enough of your madness!" - Tanhause snapped, then ordered the men to take her away. The girl was vacant-eyed by now and froth dribbled down her chin. She was plainly sliding into the throes of a trance. The men were wary of her, and pushed her along at arm’s length, scared of her magic. The temperature in the hallway itself seemed to drop. At once, the breaths of all of the men steamed the air. It smelled heavy, burnt and metallic, the way it did before a storm. Gaunt felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise. He could not take his eyes off the murmuring girl as the men bustled her away gingerly.
"The Inquisition will deal with her." Tanhause shivered. "Another untrained psyker witch working for the enemy."
"Wait!" Gaunt said and strode over to her. He tensed, scared of the supernaturally-touched being he confronted. "What do you mean? ‘Six manifestations’? ‘Ghosts’?"
Her eyes rolled back, pupil-less. The cracked old voice bubbled out of her quivering lips.
"The Warp knows you, Ibram. Same as the Sun and the Moon"
He stepped back as if he had been stung. "How did you know my name?"
She didn’t answer. Not coherently, anyway. She began to thrash and gibber and spit. Nonsense words and animal sounds issued from her shuddering throat.
"Take her away!" - Tanhause barked.
Gaunt watched the corridor for five full minutes after the girl had been dragged away. The air remained cold long after she had disappeared. He looked around at the drawn, anxious face of Tanhause.
"Pay it no heed." - the Hyrkan veteran said, trying to sound confident. He could see the cadet was spooked. Just inexperience, he was sure. Once the Boy had seen a few years, a few campaigns, he’d learn to shut out the mad ravings of the foe and their tainted, insane rants. It was the only way to sleep at night.
Gaunt was still tense. - "What was that about?" - He said, as if he hoped that Tanhause could explain the girl’s words.
"Rubbish is what. Forget it, sir."
"Right. Forget it. Right."
But Gaunt never did.
Location : Equestria, Canterlot Castle
Time : 17:13 PM, 26/06/1002 in the Equestrian Calendar, Five Years Later
"Sergeant Fast Spear, what part of ‘I'm not available at the moment.’ do you not understand'!?" cried Princess Luna. She didn't use the Royal Canterlot Voice. Still, the wall of her sanctuary shook horribly due to the power of the Princesses shout.
"Princess, we are under attack by Change–" - tried to say aghast guard once he recovered from the Princesses shout.
"I'm busy, don't you see!? Get out of my room! NOW!" - shouted the princess, her patience wearing thin. Fast Spear held his ground, his message was of the utmost importance. Luna turned to see that Fast Spear still had not left. Summoning her magic she grabbed hold of Fast Spear and threw him out of her chambers. He tried to deny it, but he was no match for the dark blue alicorn. He flew through the room, and landed past the doors as they were slammed shut and locked. Luna then enchanted the doors with the “Silent Gate” spell, keeping all the sound within the room. The last thing she heard was something about Celestia being in danger. Probably some prank from the nobles, nothing important. They did a lot of stuff to get under our skin, anything from faking love letters to something more radical like sending mobs. Though a thought did nag at the back of Luna's mind that perhaps it truly was something important. Pushing her thoughts aside she returned her attention to the task at hand. It was the occasion of the century, and she wouldn’t let it pass by. If she succeed in her plan, it would give Equestria a chance
Luna approached a large stain glass window that showed not the moon but stars. At first glance, their positions looked totally random. However, every single white dot was placed, based on her research. Before she started to cast her spell, Night Stalker came into the room. He was a member of the Night Guard, her own elite guardians. Similar to the Royal Guard, every one of her warriors looked the same: skin, wings, hooves... their entire body. But Night Stalker was more. He was unique, because Night Stalker actually could 'think'. Giving him a task, always ended in solving the problem in quite unique and unexpected way. The best part was his willing to perform even the stupidest task, and in unknown to her method, he could do this.
"Princess, are you sure? - Night Stalker spoke, removing his helmet. His mane, compared to the rest of his light gray body, was entirely black. His voice was calm, almost relaxing. "I mean, it's really rare, that we get these... these ships in orbit. But we are under attack, and it looks really serious."
Princess Luna sighed hard "I’m sorry Night Stalker, but I'm on the edge of what could be the biggest discovery in the long history of Equestria.” Luna turned to face Night Stalker, and in a flat even tone she said “Barricade the doors, cover the windows, make my sanctuary a fortress. I need three hours of peace."
Members of the Night Guard saluted and started moving furniture to barricade all the entrances to the room. Princess Luna stood still for a moment. She could hear sounds and voices coming from somewhere outside her sanctuary. Those were the sounds of combat, of magic missiles flying... she thought for a moment, maybe she should join her sister in the defence of Canterlot? But she abandoned the thought soon enough. Celestia was powerful enough to deal with the threats by herself.
Now, she focused on the space. Not this one in the room, but in the cosmos. Her horn became a beacon of the pure white light, she shut her eyes, but while her physical eye sight was gone, she was still able to see everything. Okay, not exactly everything. She was in space; dark, empty space. Not entirely empty, however. There were also dots, millions of dots everywhere, but now they meant nothing. There were also the Moon, orbiting Equestria from far away, and the Sun, shining extremely brightly. She could look at the Sun, but even in spirit form it was blinding her. She didn't have a body, but she felt that her... existence was here, in the cosmos. She could move anywhere she wanted to, but she couldn't leave this system. Something like a leash was attached to her, not allowing the Princess of the Moon to leave the solar system. However, she didn't need to leave.
An abnormally big ship stood still in the space, really close to Equestria. The passengers didn't realise there was a Moon or the Equestria planet. This was the result of Celestia and Luna’s magnificent spell. They cast it about ten thousand years ago, and the royal sisters sacrificed a large amount of power, only to for the spell to last for five years. Every day after that both Princesses needed to cast the spell. Celestia in the morning, and Luna in the evening. Ponies thought they were raising and lowering the Sun and moon. Truth was, they were enpowering their spell, which made the planet and the moon invisible. Not only invisible, but the planet’s gravity was masked from the universe.
The ship looked like a flying cathedral in the space. It was magnificent, mostly covered with gold and red. She felt thousands of living creatures in this vehicle, every one of them busy with maintaining such a powerful machine. From data she gathered earlier, they called themselves "Humans" from the "Imperium of Mankind". Every frigate accidentally arriving near Equestria gave Princess Luna a chance of learn what the world outside Equestria looked like. This one was the biggest she had ever seen, and it probably stored a great amount of knowledge.
She focused one more time, and in a single moment, she was on the vessel.
Location : Segmentum Pacificus, half way between Tobm III and Gornus II, Juvenalis Battlecruiser from the Imperial Navy
Time : 763.M41
It was weird... He felt something strange. He was sure that he was being observed. It wasn't something like instinct whispering quietly to him. It felt like his own brain screaming violently to him : 'Something is watching you!' He looked everywhere, but he couldn't find it. He was so distracted by this strange feeling that he accidentally fell into somebody. They fell over, and landed on metal bars of the ship floor.
"Uhm... I'm... Oh my God-Emperor, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to..."
He fell into Sejanus, Flag-Lieutenant and second in command of the Juvenalis. He was an old man with white hair and face filled with wrinkles, wearing a blue uniform with golden decorations. A few medals were pinned to his chest, briefly showing the officers entire glorious history. Before Sejanus was hit by him, he leaned on the staff with the small Imperial Eagle symbol on top of it.
The old man slowly got up on his legs again, helping a bit with a staff. He looked on his face, and surprisingly, he didn't find anger or fury on the officers face. He was afraid of being punished for attacking such important person on the board, but instead the old man smiled.
"Apology accepted. I guess you feel it too, don't you?"
"Wh-What, sir?" - he asked, still in consternation.
"Being observed, of course. Don't try to deny it; the entire crew is feeling it right now." - Sejanus said.
Probably the worst thing with this feeling was how aggressive it was. It was something not like somebody glaring at him, but rather shooting to him with the lasgun on minimum power. He couldn't help looking behind, still searching for this "Observator". Sejanus stood near the glass, facing monotonous landscape of the black space.
"Well, so you probably don't know what it's all about. I think I can easily explain it to you." - Sejanus spoke, using his "mentor" voice. - "Well, we exit the Warp because of the technical problems, and there is nothing here. In theory of course. It's only one star, we called Solaris, because it's surprisingly similar to the original Sun of the Holy Terra. And, in space surrounding Solaris there is nothing. In theory, of course." - he turned to him, with delightful smile. He was looking like a professor in this moment, rather than the commander of battleship section. - "But every ship that came near this system, has gotten the same symptoms. The entire crew feeling like they were being observed. The oldest report of the "strange feeling" came from M33, so it's really something bigger here. That's why most ships try to avoid this region. There are a lot of theories, what exactly is this place." - Sejanus stopped lecture, looking on him expecting something.
`"Hmm... Warp Anomaly?" - he shot
"Yes and no. It "looks" like a Warp Anomaly, gravity weirding, strange feelings, navigators pissing their pants... but no, it's not the Warp Anomaly. Or at least, it's not the "Warp" Anomaly. It's a big mystery, and I think we will never discover the truth...
Location : Juvenalis Battlecruiser from the Imperial Navy, Section III, Library
Time : 763.M41
"Oh, come on! Turn the page!" - Princess Luna shouted. Or at least, she tried. No one could hear her.
She stood just above the anonymous iterator, who was reading a big tome of pure history. Just as planned. But, one of the points of her plans was destroyed. This iterator was so slow in reading. She was reading much faster, but she couldn't turn pages in the spirit form, it would alert the human. Despite that, the information she gathered was totally worth it.
One of the biggest surprises was how familiar their language, called "Low Gothic" was similar to Equish. Sometimes she heard words in a Latin, which humans called "High Gothic". Only two things were different. Human accent was completely different; it sounded hard and harshly. Compared to them, ponies did not speak, but sang their words; it sounded calm and relaxing. Second was a minor difference in the words list, but still it was extremely similar. It gave her an idea, that actually her species didn't raise themselves in the Equestria, but rather they came as colonists from Terra. It would explain why they used same languages. Some data she found, made a foundation for this theory. On the other hoof, she saw the old book of the wars in the Ultima Segmentum, and "horses" were actually used as a "cavalry". The idea seemed ridiculous to her, but in a universe where one poorly placed word could cause the slaughter of dozens of "heretics" it wasn't that mad.
"Who’s there!?" suddenly she heard a powerful shout. It wasn't iterator. It came from outside of Library. Afterward, she heard loud and often stomps. Really heavy boots, probably power armor, strong voice, humans actually hearing her... oh...
Inqisuitor
"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh!" - she panicked, trying to restore her focus again. The iterator immediately rise from his chair and ran towards the member of the Inquisition. He just moved though her, like though ghost and the human didn't felt anything. Princess of the Moon calmed down, and started her spell again, only backwards. Vision became blur, and after a moment she again saw the beautiful panel of her sanctuary. Last thing she saw before vanishing from the Juvenalis battleship was the Inquisitor who just passed the entrance to the library.
Inquisitor Toth ran into the room. He was a member of the respected Ordo Xenos and he definitely 'heard' something or somebody on this ship. He made his way though sections of the ship and entered the library.
To his surprise everything was normal. Books stood where they stood, windows clear, no xenos prints on the dust, iterator still alive. But the biggest surprise was the vanishing of this strange feeling. Thousands of people sighed with relief, when the "being observed" feeling just simply disappeared. Bookshelves were still in place, holding pricey knowledge. Beside him, there was only one iterator, glaring at him taken-aback.
"My lord, what happened? - asked the iterator in Low-Gothic. He wasn't scared by his presence. The inquisitor wore red-painted power armor with a long fur cape on the back. In one hand he held a power sword, in his second, a bolt pistol. He wasn't old; he had only nineteen years of purging xenos scum, in total forty-eight years. Still, it was some really rich years, during which he managed to wipe entire species of dangerous aliens.
He didn't like to admit it, but he really didn't know what happened. They entered the Anomaly, entire crew start shaking in horror of being observed, he heard non-human shout in the library, he approached library only to find it empty and in the same moment 'feeling' vanished. That were facts, now: analyse. Something breached the security of the ship. What or Who was it? Extremely potent psyker? He could sense him. Deamon? Gellar Field certainly cut the possibility of deamons breaking into the cruiser. Even if a deamon could get in, he would still sense him. Of course, it was related with this strange feeling that every crew of every ship felt during travel though this area. To gather more Intel, he should call old crews, start inspections, make some interviews, called more support from the Inquisition...
"It's time to start an investigation." - Inquisitor Toth said
Location : Equestria, Canterlot Castle
Time : 21:03 PM, 28/06/1002 in the Equestrian Calendar, two days after the Changeling Invasion
Princess Celestia finally ended her usual meetings with the nobles, only to find exactly thirty-eight letters from bussi. This night was supposed to be extremely long and boring. She slowly made her way to her personal room. It would be a real understatement saying that her room was luxurious. It was a mystery for most ponies, that actually sitting on the throne isn't comfortable as it seems. It was the first rule of setting up a new kingdom: always make a good and comfortable throne for yourself. If you are supposed to be stuck with this furniture for years, dozens, hundreds or even thousands of years, make it comfortable. You are not supposed to replace your throne with a better one, because "it's tradition that you always sit on this throne, Princess." So, if she couldn't make her throne comfortable, even with pillows and magic, she tried to change her bedroom into a heaven in which she could actually rest.
As a result, the room contained one wooden desk with a golden finish, gorgeous, an abnormally big hoof chair, and some marvelous painting. Actually, she rarely looked at them, but because they were there, she just felt that it leveled up her room into a new level of richness. And of course her bed—what a bed! So comfortable, so warm, so fitting... that bed was the cause of her being incredibly late for one of the one thousand Summer Sun Celebration and many others. After that, she made it a bit 'less' comfortable to avoid being late for everything. There was a lot of big windows that could provide light in the day, and a beautiful sky view at night. Celestia sat in her armchair and was about to unfold first letter when suddenly she heard knock on her door.
"Can I come in?" - she heard a soft voice from outside of the door.
She easily recognized her sister, Princess Luna. Instead of answering, she approached the door and opened it. Luna stood in the entrance, holding a big bag of scrolls in her magic. Without a single word, Luna came into her room and sat gently on the edge of her bed. The Princess of the Moon waited a moment before she spoke, probably gathering her thoughts.
“I want to speak about the Changeling incident. I apologise for yesterday; I lied about the reason why I didn’t appear during the battle.”
It surprised her. She wasn’t angry because of her sister absence during the fight. She didn’t say anything, so Luna continued.
“Another human ship appeared in orbit. It was the biggest since… it was the biggest in entire history. I broke into it, and I gathered some knowledge”—she pointed at the scrolls—“But, this time, one of the humans actually felt my spirit form. This was the inquisitor, and if the data we’ve collected is true, it is a high probably that the humans will start an investigation.
“Can I read these scrolls?” – Celestia asked. She still didn’t know what to think about the entire situation.
“Sure”. she answered and gave her the papers with her magic.
The Princess of the Sun started reading. There were a lot of these scrolls, and it took some time before she finished. There were notes, plans, dates, schematics, personal data, a large amount of knowledge. Now, if they could put all the data they’ve collected during the millennium, it would create a library.
“It was worth it.” Celestia spoke “And... I think we need to start negotiating. It's already too late, but we can still save Equestria from the grim darkness of an eternal war beyond our measure."
"Well... actually, we can hold this spell a little longer. Maybe two years. Princess of the Night said "In two years, we could find some power source, that will hold this barrier longer. I can disrupt the human ships that will come near Equestria. We don't need to reveal ourselves."
And that was a problem. Celestia was hiding something, as it destroyed Luna's plan completely. Actually, she didn't know why she didn't say it earlier. Maybe it was one of her few mistakes, she made during her entire life.
"Sister..." she spoke. "I lied".
"What”? Luna asked taken-a-back, her face changing in disbelief.
"I'm weak, and it's a fact. During your absence, for one thousand years I was holding it alone. I became so feeble that Chrysalis actually defeated me. I needed the Bearers of Harmony to defeat Discord and Nightmare Moon, because I was too fragile to do it myself. Yesterday, I was on the edge of Magic Exhaustion, and it's getting worse. We won't be able to hold it much longer, than a few months. When the Elements of Harmony released you from the Nightmare, you came back just in time to save the barrier."
"Why didn't you tell me?" - Luna inquire, with an easy to read anxiety on her face. "I could..."
"You couldn't do anything to help me, but I admit, I have should told you. I wanted to apologise for it."
"Accepted. But now we need to do something. War, incredibly violent war is just near our doors. We isolate our fellow ponies for ten millennium. They are not ready for this. If we just left this barrier to destroy itself, Equestria would be destroyed. I have updated our star map, and it's not looking well. We could make an alliance only with the Tau Empire, but they are too far from us. Elders are too proud and selfish, they would leave us at the first occasion. What others... Chaos obviously not, Orks not, Necrons not... Imperium. Imperium of Mankind. But what could we offer them for protection? We could pay taxes I guess, but humans hate..." Luna fell silent, searching for a good word.
"Xenos. I wouldn't be surprised if they would just perform an orbital bombardment and destroy us completely. Even if we were to use our incredibly good diplomatic skill, I don't think we could manage to do this.
"I was 'investigating' the humans ships too, and I found a really good quote in one of theirs books. They are living in the mindless, idiotic universe, but still their faith is beyond measure. 'Heresy grows from idleness'. We can still try to save our fellow ponies. We will try to convince them..." she stopped, when suddenly she realised one thing "When will another ship come into orbit?"
"I really don't know. But this time they realised that something is really wrong with this place, so the next cruiser will probably arrive earlier. We have about six months, if we won't ask for help. Maybe... maybe you could ask Shining Armor to help maintain the barrier; he knows everything anyway, so it won't be hard."
"He will give us only a few weeks, but yes, it's good idea sister." - spoke Princess Celestia, when suddenly realisation struck her mind. - "How many ponies actually know this?" - she asked.
"Well... you, me, Shining Armor knows that we keep a barrier, but he doesn’t know from what, Night Stalker knows almost as much as me, King of Griffonia knows, The Great Shaman of the Zebrica knows... and Discord. He is the only being from the outside of the Equestria, in fact. Deamon of the Lord of Change in our motherland... good that magic of our country is powerful enough to hold him."
"If we will reveal ourselves to the Imperium of Mankind, our fellow ponies will of course discover it. We need to prepare them for such a revelation." The Princess of the Sun said. "We should do something about this."
Obvious statement. Isolation for 10,000 years... It would be shocking and terrifying that for such a long time they lived in a artificially created utopia, separated from the real world. They were goddesses, with incredible power. They could dominate entire groups of worlds. They could use this power to create a real empire. They could use it to spread the pony nation across the stars, to create a kingdom of eternal happiness and harmony for their loyal subjects. But what did they do? They ran, ran from the possibility of fighting, of sacrifice and instead they used their goddesses powers to isolate their ponies from the suffering. Actually, this could work. But now, they knew that spell is going to be annihilated. Was it worth it? Ten thousands years of peace, ten thousands years of prosper, ten thousands years of harmony, ten thousands years of friendship and magic. And in a few months, it will all vanish. If she weren't almost a thirteen millennia year-old goddess, she would already start crying. So many years of her work will be utterly destroyed. Turned into dust.
It was a surprise to her, when Luna approached her and hugged her hard. She answered it, and they stood in this position, hugging each other and not saying a single word. Princess of the Sun and the Moon united to stand against all the threats to their loyal subjects.
"We will do something about this" - Luna said quietly.
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Pretty good start. A few grammar mistakes, but they do not detract from the story, which is the important part.
40k crossover?
Going on the read later list!
Opinion on story will come soon.
This is a good setup for a story that has the potential for epic.
The scene is set, the plans drawn, so let the action commence!
An interesting start. I look forward to continuing.
I just had one question.
Will ponies before joining the Guard to drink a potion that turns them front hoofs on hands? Because otherwise it would have been in the guard useful just unicorns.
This looks actually promising. However there are several repeated grammar mistakes. The most important one being 'I'. It's supposed to be capital at all times. A proffreader or two would help.
MEN OF TANITH!
DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?
wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/thumb/9/97/Tanith_First.jpg/200px-Tanith_First.jpg
Alright, that aside, this is an interesting story with some serious syntax problems.
Yeah, things like that.
Grab yourself a proof-reader and you should be set, though.
Thank you guys, for all attention you gave to the story, I really appreciate that. Next Chapter will probably appear in next weekend ( Warning : In my statements, 'probably' is a key word ).
Don't forget to make all stuff related with the FimFiction site, like Likes, Favourites, Recommendations and such. Give this story a love, and I will be writing it with even bigger amount of passion.
1913191
I was supposed to not spoil anything, but this one actually I can. No. I will explain it in Chapter II + III.
1914323
Points taken. I corrected Chapter with a help from Fluttershy Joe, and now I think it looks slightly better.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Equestria first and only
Grammar: 4
Pros: I love the Idea, big fan of the 40k universe though I haven't read any of the books.
The story is solid, and has a lot of potential
cons: Grammar for one needs some work, so doesn't the wording, a good proof-reader would fix that
other than grammar, I didn't find a lot wrong with this.
Notes: I like the concept and the characters, I didn't feel like Luna or Celestia were out of character. though you do need someone to look over your story and fix the grammar and syntax.
I hope you liked your review, when you get the chance please review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire.
1927021
Thanks a lot, I will try to correct that dammit mistakes with gramma. I will write review to this story as fast as it will possible ( I guess tomorrow I will able to make this ).
1927110 I also commented on the thread you posted in the Indie group.
This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Equestria first and only
Grammar: 4
Pros: Well you have solid capitalization at least so I applaud you for being able to at least do that (since English isn't your native language)
The plot is getting interesting and the two goddesses mostly seemed to be in character.
Fraid I have no idea what the 40K universe is so... I was lost for a bit, but you did your best to explain it.
Summary perks attention
cons: Grammar. You need a lot of work. They also seem to make your descriptions and pacing sound awkward at time. I recommend getting a proofreader like Hingard said and practicing your english (by reading, lots of reading), which would take time
You may have revealed a little too much in summary. Did you have to tell us Luna would sacrifice herself? (just a suggestion, this is relative to author) and you need to correct your summary, people sometimes dislike on the basis of a grammatically incorrect summary.
Notes: The concept... was interesting as were your potrayal of Luna and Celestia. And for a universe I had no idea about, i thought I got to at least understand some of it. You do need to work on grammar though because it's noticeably affecting the flow and pacing of the story. Still have a like. You deserve it for writing a story when English ain't your native language!
Enjoy the review. Please take a look at my main story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects
1932073
Thanks a lot bro.
Only two thing. Sacrifise you mention I spoil, is totally not you think about.
Second, seriously there are mistakes in summary?
Sorry for taking your time, but could you show me them? I'm extremely suprised that there are some of them.
I will get to review your story as fast as possible.
Stay Awesome
1932090 really just the last line,. is meant to be sacrifice that cast
"Seargant Fast Spear, what part of : 'I'm not available at the moment, you do not understand'!?" - cried Princess Luna.
"Sargeant Fast Spear, what part of 'I'm not available at the moment,' do you not understand!?" cried Princess Luna.
Stop using dashes to separate speech. That's what quotation marks are for. Don't use colons either. Learn what a piece of punctuation is for before you use it.
"Princess, we are under attacked by Change..." - tried to say aghast guard
"Princess, we are under attack by Change..." the aghast guard tried to say.
But she abandon it soon enough, Celestia was enough powerful to take down all the treats.
But she abandoned it soon enough; Celestia was enough powerful to take down all the threats.
"take down all the threads?" What an incredibly awkward way to put it.
Abnormally big ship stood still in the space, really close to Equestria.
An abnormally big ship stood still in the space, really close to Equestria.
Another awkward sentence.
They casted it about ten thousands years ago, ... every day both Princess casted a spell,
They cast it about ten thousands years ago, ... every day both Princess cast a spell,
"Cast" is the past tense of "cast." It's known as an irregular verb.
and royal sisters sacrifised big amount of power
and royal sisters sacrificed a big amount of power
You probably want to say "large" rather than big, too.
Truth was, that they were enpowering their spell, which make the Equestria planet and the Moon invinsible.
The truth was, they were empowering their spell, which make the Equestrian planet and the Moon invisible.
A ship was in the shortcut the flying cathedral in the space.
What? What are you talking about here? Was the ship in the Warp? In space?
maintaining such powerful machine.
maintaining such a powerful machine.
This one was the biggest they ever known, and probably it stored a big amount of knowledge.
This one was the biggest they had ever known, and it probably stored a large amount of knowledge.
gave Princess Luna chance of learn how the world outside Equestria looked like.
gave Princess Luna a chance of learn what the world outside Equestria looked like.
That's it. I'm done. When I can't get through a single paragraph without stopping to correct you, it's time to throw in the towel. The first section was actually good. Like, really good. I was actually kind of impressed. But then... was this written by more than one person? Or did your proofreaders also give up after the first part?
1910942
Did... did you read it? Detract isn't even the right word. More like destroy, which they very much do.
Okay, okay. ESL, I get it. At this point, I'm actually more disappointed in the six (count 'em: six) proofreaders! I'm disappointed that they told you this was ready for public consumption. Did they tell you it was ready? They lied. C'mon guys!
1941529
Ehm, first of all, pre-readers start working AFTER story was published, not before. That's why NOW, it looks like it looks.
Thanks a lot for helping me with correcting Chapter, but you could just write a PM to me, and I could give you a google.doc link.
1941560
Eh, I'm more of a reviewer. Actually, I'm a reader who writes reviews when he feels like it. But I'm not a proofreader. I'll try to correct a few mistakes, as long as they are just that: few. Like I said, I get that you're ESL, and it's great that you have proofreaders to help you with English's... difficulties. But here's a question: if you have a separate doc for proofreaders to fix, why did you publish the version full of errors? Why not let them fix it first, and then publish? You shipped an unfinished project, an alpha build, and I don't understand why, when you could have just waited.
1941587
Well... they are several reasons why I did this.
1. First of all, it was just easier to find a pre-readers for already published story, rather than un-published.
2. I wanted to receive some feedback from Authors Helping Authors group and others ( like WH40k and Indie Group ), and to make it easier, I published this story for them.
3. I was to un-patient, idea of story was just too awesome to wait.
Basically, first Chapter will be almost completely re-written in about ( about is a key word ) half a week, thanks to helpful pre-readers.
can't wait
1941529 I can read it, so it's still good. At least its not as FAIL as Spiderses... No matter how funny that fic was...
1949051
Spiderses was a parody. It was a deliberate example of terrible spelling, grammar, and all the stereotypical, cliche bad habits of first-time fanfic writers taken ad absurdum. In that regard, I wouldn't consider it to be a fail at all; it did exactly what it was intended to do, which was be exceptionally terrible. What does it say about this story, a story that I assume Verlax means to be serious, that you're comparing it (even favorably) to Spiderses? I wouldn't consider "at least you're not as bad as Hitler" much of a compliment.
There's a debate here that we can have about the balance between being inclusive and letting everyone have a voice on one hand, and how much mediocrity we're willing to sift through to find stories that are actually legitimately good on the other. I know not everyone will have a professional-quality piece to share, but I see a surprising amount of nonspecific praise lavished on stories that are frankly subpar. It's disheartening when I see stories that demonstrate true skill, and average-quality ones are just as popular.
1953957
Before I will go to the main part, I want to say, that I read your comment three times, used dictionary to translate it all word by word, and I still can't understand what is the point of your comment. I suppose, I need to imigrate to some English-using-country to learn that language good enough.
It's not something, that I just don't want to make this fic well-written. Holy mother of Celestia, I'm using three dictionaries, my old English Student Book and read other fics to catch some fancy sentences I could use. It hurts badly, that it's so hard to write in foreign language. I also write fics in Polish, and I can write it about 5x faster without any mistakes, comparing to stuff I'm publishing here. Heck, even on my profile page you can read, that one of the main point of writing stuff here, is to improve my shitty english.
Actually, not knowing English that good sometimes helps. Gramma mistakes are invisible to me, so reading even the shittiest fic isn't a big drama for me. Bad point is, when you try to read Upheaval or Powers of Harmony and you stop understanding plot after a few chapters. Derp. Or writing your own fic.
As I said before, Chapter I will receive Massive update with all mistakes corrected. Chapter II is already in progress, but I will not publish it soon, cause of endless wave of mistakes, which I and my pre-readers will try to deal with.
Thanks again for constructive criticism, it's much better than receiving random dislikes. I'll try make this fic enough awesome to be a tribute to the glorious Dan Abnett's masterpiece.
1954098
Don't worry about it too much. American English is notoriously difficult to master. Most Americans can't even use it properly. At least you have a good excuse. The point of my previous post was just to complain about some things I see in general, rather than about you specifically.
If I've come across as harsh, I didn't mean to. I'm most critical of the stories that I want to see improved, the stories that I feel have the most potential. If I didn't like it at all, I would probably just ignore it. Like I said, the first section, the one that was fixed up, was very good. I don't know how much of that was from you, and how much was from your proofreaders, but it was perfectly fine. And it's obvious you're open to criticism and working on improving your writing, which is more than a lot of writers I've seen can say.
I'm actually curious now: is there a Polish translation of Dan Abnett's books that you've read?
1954752
Yes, we have.
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I read Pierwszy i Jedyny z Tanith ( Tanith First and Only ), Gwardia Honorowa ( Honor Guard ), and Karabiny Tanith ( Rifles of Tanith ). However, Polish translation is extremely bad, even the amatuer could translate it better, so I'm also reading this novel series in English ( just finished Ghostmaker and original First and Only, and I'm gonna read Necropoly soon ).
If it's okay with you, I can inform you when this story will receive this Massive Correction update.
Hey, just so you know I haven't forgotten about you :-3. Just been getting back into the rhythm of school; I'll have your review tomorrow =D.
This review brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors!
Grammar (out of 10): 3 or a 4, but having taught English as a Second Language I'll call it an 8 or 9 by those standards.
Pros: Gaunt's Ghosts. 'nuff Said.
You capture Abnett's writing style exceptionally well
The integration of the worlds thus far is going quite well
Cons: Grammar and spelling issues
Might be hard to approach to those unfamiliar with 40k canon
A bit of confusion with the early Luna scene
Notes: I have to say, your fic is putting mine to shame thus far :-p. In particular the 40k bits; they feel far more appropriate to Abnett's canon as far as I can tell. I won't harp on the spelling and grammar, since plenty of others already have and you're already in the process of getting it proofread (plus English is a bitch of a language to learn when it isn't your primary). One thing I noticed (and I'm at least as guilty of this if not more in mine) is that many elements of the 40k canon are introduced and treated as common knowledge, when only some of the MLP fandom knows 40k and far fewer know detailed lore. I'm sure to a large extent the target audience is Dan Abnett fans, but it might be easier to broaden the audience base with a bit more introduction to 40k lore (not to mention that you could probably snag a few new Ghosts fans with a story this good).
Toward the beginning scene, I had one issue with Luna. A guard shows up to tell her they're under attack, and she hurls him out assuming it's a prank of some sort. Then her personal guard shows up and affirms the situation, yet she seems completely unsurprised. I think she should either believe the original guard but not care (as her current task is more important) or at least seem surprised when Night Stalker fills her in on the truth.
All told, an easy thumbs up from me =D. Once it gets edited for spelling/grammar, I'd also say it could easily make featured. Keep up the good work!
If you want to keep chaining reviews, my main fic is The Ballad of Jack and Sylvia: an Equestrian Odyssey. I'll gladly review more of yours in exchange =D.
-Venter
This review brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: Equestria First and Only
Grammar Score: 6 (you really shouldn't beat yourself up over this; there is much worse that I've read)
Pros: You jump right into the crossover material without making it sound ridiculous.
Luna and Celestia are already well characterized from the little I've seen of them.
I don't know the crossover material, but you've created great suspense in the audience bymaking it unclear as to the story's progression.
Cons: The grammar is not horrible, but there are a few mistakes with tense that take away from a set story tone.
Your description is resting right at the middle. I find this to be more frustrating than a complete lack thereof because I can see where it could be extended more easily than if it wasn't.
The dialouge feels somewhat disjointed at times. It's not constant, but in long conversations, like between Luna and Celestia, the flow breaks sometimes.
Notes: You've earned a like and fav from me for this. A) Your crossover abilities are amazing. There is a nice, seemless flow between sources. B) Your ability to drop me into a universe I have no knowledge of without it feeling awkward and forced deserves serious props.
Oh, and Luna with ethereal form powers is awesome. Keep on keepin' on, and thanks for reviewing my own story.
1966710
Thanks men! Stuff you pointed out is quite helpful, really thanks. I will get to your story ASAP ( maybe in this week ).
1978164
Thanks! However, I have one question. Could you explain, what exactly is bad with my description? If it's okay with you, please write it PM, because explaining this to you can end up in spoiling too much information from the plot of story.
The only real problem is that you'll just copy and paste the plot and tone of the Ghost books/40k and just make the MLP cast humans will funny names. It would be fun to see the harden Ghost react to ponies silliness.
Like I don't know since all ponies are magical that would mean all ponies are psykers like the Eldar or Orks. Plus I would keep that show making ponies super tough in I don't know make it a low level force field. Like a bolter would just scratch them. This would make Equestria a target for both the Imperuim and Chaos. Because neither would ever bother with a single planet (minor alien factions to exist, and trade is have between then and humans)
2001808
Well... you got some good points here, but almost all of them are explained in the next Chapter, which will appear... crap. No idea when.
It's complete for almost one and half a week, usual 4600 words, but I will not publish it until somebody will help me with pre-reading it.
What can I say about your points without spoiling however, is that I have really good reason why I put so much from original plot from Tanith First and Only. In next chapters many things can be unclear, why, why I made this, why I put this and this and list goes on. Hovewer, I can ensure you, that I have reasons for everything. And don't bother so much with WH40k lore correction, I'll try to make it as much close to Lexicanum and such as it's possible but I will use famous "Abnett Verse" style if it will affect a story in good way.
2001837
Well as long as its not yet another grimdark war story to traumatizes all the ponies we love and care about.
That's been done to death so many times its some kind of super zombie.
There is a reason why grimdark is a term of mockery. After all.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors as per return for the review on my story, Twilight Sparkle DOESN'T Become An Alicorn.
Name of Story: Equestria First And Only
Grammar score: 8.5/10
Pros -
Very well thought out and written.
Interesting, in the fact that it had me enticed into the world.
Well described. I could easily imagine quite a few scene.
Cons -
Noticed a few grammatical errors. (Nothing major, however)
Some paragraphs go on for a bit longer than needed. (More of a personal thing for me)
Can't think of a third one!
Notes -
I enjoyed the story quite tremendously! The story is well thought out and indeed well executed. Some grammatical errors are there, but mostly overshadowed by the story line. Also, all of the characters seem to be perfectly in character. Sorry I don't have much more for the notes section, but I can't really think of anything else to compliment or pick at! Excellent story!
Enjoy your review! Thank you very much for the review on my story: Twilight Sparkle DOESN'T Become An Alicorn!
Creed: TZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!
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Keikaku doori...
I've never really read the books about the Tainith 1st and Only, but I do like that you are representing the 40k world as GW shows it