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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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YAY!! Update!
of course rainbow would be that one to attack her. im honestly not sure why i didnt see that one coming. probably reading too many dash fics where shes secretly a softy. also
that was hilarious!
She did it . . .
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc9gqci3Ix1qivlnqo1_400.gif
what story is this related to?
1778497 Loyal's clop bin, the Test subject chapter. He gave me permission to continue on that.
1778504
so, i should read that first?
1778525 Probably, it would help clear some details up.
1778536
ill do that then, changeling twi non-oneshot stories are rare, which is a bit sad since i love them so much.
She's so brave ...
1778536 hey im not complaining or any thing on the contrary i love your stories but it does seem that you are downplaying the twilight gets raped aspect. Now i realize that this is your story and a good one at that but my personal recommendation would be to show the pain that comes from this event. once again just a suggestion that has no bearing on how much i love your story (which is a lot).
good opening. a little rushed with some of the reactions though
golden (nice to see spike taking twi's transformation in strides for once)
i have to say, the reactions of shining and RD are a little extreme considering the circumstances.
shining armor brandishing his sword and attacking pretty much immediately after she transformed right in front of him might have been a little much as a first reaction. being defensive and not believing her i can understand.
RD was a little too thick-headed in my opinion. i mean; she just filtered out everything that was told to her before the revelation as well as whom was backing twi up, and proceeded with attacking her on the spot.
both of them seem like they have some automatic mind-switch to attack changelings on sight.
JUST ALL MY YES!
i1.sndcdn.com/artworks-000028287991-gkbzqx-crop.jpg?04ad178
Anyway how frequent you update?
Ah, Science. Justifying creepy-ass shit since the beginning of time.
You need a pre-reader to advise you on some key points with pacing and the like. Also, you gotta know when to give us a line break or something to notify us of a perspective change or a change in scenery that is followed by events that detail on what happened after teleportation, or arriving at a new destination.
I'd like to volunteer for the role if you can't find yourself one. Toss a PM my way if you feel interested in my minuscule offer.
1779185 I am in the next chapter.
1780815 nuff said
1780999 Exactly.
OHMYGODANUPDATEMUSTREADNOWWW
Well... so far... this seems to have some pacing issues, but nothing that turns me off. But is this a contiuation of something? Cause the first chapter just dropped me into this.
uh isnt it supposed to be shining not shinning?
You need a proofreader stat.
colt twiligth.... deliciuss
I know this is only chapter two, but there are a couple things I've noticed so far. First of all I want to say that this is an interesting concept. I like where you're going with this and I'm curious to see what you've done with the rest of the chapters.
But there wee a couple problems I saw as well. The biggest, and the one that is likely either causing, or at least exacerbating, the others, is the issue of pacing. As a couple other people have pointed out, this is going incredibly fast. The meetings that happened here, the thing with Twilight's memories, her learning about some of her changeling powers, it all should have taken at least twice as many words as it did. This should be a big, dramatic moment in the story but it comes off incredibly weak and anticlimactic because it's not developed like it should be.
The beginning literally just dumps us in in the middle of another story. Even if that is strictly true, a single paragraph, at least, should be included to set the stage.
Shining Armor and Rainbow Dash aren't technically acting out of character, but because it's all so rushed their reactions feel weak and two-dimensional instead of the powerful moments of fear and determination that they should be. Not to mention that, also a result of being rushed, their scenes are almost identical in tone and speech, when their motives and motivations are completely different. Reading Rainbows attack on Twilight felt exactly like reading Shining's scene over again.
And lastly, Celestia willingly cutting open another living being, even a changeling, with a power saw while they're awake and begging for mercy seems INCREDIBLY out of character for her. That's not to say that she can't be forceful and violent if she needs to be, but that's just down right cruel and evil.
There are a couple other little things that a pre-reader could catch for you, but those are the biggest issues I saw. As one of the other commentors has already said, good stories with changeling Twilight are hard to find. I say all of this only in the hopes that it will help you improve your craft and make this story, as well as anything else you may choose to write in the future, as great as it possibly can be.
and spike dun give a fuk. nice
Oh twilight of course you'd say that
3271429
It was "chemistry"
Gotta side with Shining Armor in the case of his reaction; he IS the expert on changeling mind control, and Celestia doesn't have an awesome record dealing with them.
Magic DUH!
love how spike wake up and knew it was twilight and did question anything, ahh the love of mother/son or boss/number 1 assistant
2770090
Hit the nail right on the head. Exactly my criticisms so far.
2770090
Agreed
It's so sad when ponies are written to instantly escalate to the max aggression in sight. Like, not even three seconds between the reveal and OMG ATTACK NAO! mode.