“Fire!”
The Abrams main gun roared and scored another kill, the T-72s turret blown sky high.
“Kill confirmed. Good shot!” Captain Alex "Blitz" Noah yelled over the noise of the engine.
“Hoo-rah!” Sergeant Roger Kovarov yelled back with pride.
The Abrams then shuddered as a shot landed next to them, all laughter lost and seriousness returned.
“T-72, 3 o’clock, behind the ruined church,” Alex announced, “Looks like it’s dug in well.” An idea slowly formed in his head, “Sam, move us around for a better position, David load a High Explosive. Looks like it’s time to bring the house down on him.”
A grin formed on Rogers face as he slowly got the idea, facing the turret towards the supports of the church tower.
“HE Loaded,sir!” Private David Farfield shouted.
“In position,sir.” Corporal Sam "Lead Foot" Evern yelled.
“On my mark…” Alex slowly said, “Fire!”
The main gun rocked back and the tower supports were blown to hell, the tower slowly collapsing upon the dug in T-72, covering it in massive chunks of debris, rendering it useless for the time being. A tired cheer went up inside the Abrams which was cut short by another explosion as the Abrams next to them went up in a ball of flames.
“Holy shit, get us out of here!” Alex yelled in shock.
Sam, all too happy to oblige, slammed into reverse pulling away just as the ground in front of them exploded, shells raining down upon the now dwindling tank company.
“This is command, all tank companies pull back. Hostile armour is closing in and the Air Force will be clearing the area within the hour, out.”
“You heard the man,” Alex yelled, “let’s get the hell out of here!”
“Already one step ahead of you, sir!” Sam yelled back.
The Abrams pulled off a 180 turn and began the long trip back to base followed by 10 or so others.
“So how many confirmed kills does the Retribution II have now Blitz? “ Roger piped up.
Alex chuckled lightly, he was never going to get used to being called “Blitz”. He wasn’t sure how the nickname came around but it stuck, but Sam’s nickname, on the other hand, came around due to him being one of the best drivers in the Marines and being able to push a tanks best speed well above normal. No one knew how he did it but he had his ways.
“I’d say about 12 now Sergeant,” Alex replied, “We’ll add the mark when we get back to base.”
“That was a fucking close one, that tank that went up could have been us!” David said worriedly.
“Get used to it man, this shit happens all the time.” Sam joined in on the conversation, his eyes never wandering from the road.
David just stared at the driver thinking about how heartless that sounded, sure it happened all the time but that doesn’t change the fact it could have been them and that good men died.
“So you don’t care in the slightest!?”
“Of course I care you twit, some good guys just died but we can’t mourn their deaths forever.” Sam replied, starting to sound annoyed.
Alex knowing that this argument would last for a while, popped open the cupola and breathed in the fresh sandy air, while listening to the Retribution IIs engine roaring away. Thinking about home and how he longed just to be there with his brother and his wife Jasmine, he pulled out his lucky charm, a small stuffed fluffy hotdog. A lot of people were confused to why that was his lucky charm, plenty of people asked but he refused to tell them, he kept that story to himself. He wasn’t planning on telling anyone anytime soon.
Alex put his sunglasses on as he looked away from the hotdog, now looking at the significantly smaller tank company. Fully realizing how many tanks were lost in the battle. He cringed as he realized over half the company was lost, he hoped the Deathwatch wasn’t amongst them. The Deathwatch was commanded by his best friend, Second Lieutenant Arran Offand, and he considered him family. They had known each other since Officer Candidates School and had gotten along like brothers. Alex decided to radio the Deathwatch and see if Arran was in one piece.
“Hey guys, shut up down there!” Alex yelled down to the crew, as he closed the cupola.
The argument which was still raging slowly subsided; Sam and David argued all the fucking time, their way of passing the time I suppose.
“Retribution II to the Deathwatch, come in, over.” Alex said into his headset.
A couple of tense seconds later a reply came back,
“Deathwatch to the Retribution II, we’re here. Don’t worry, nothing but a scratch, over.”
Alex laughed and sighed in relief.
“Good to hear you’re in one piece Second Lieutenant, considering the losses I feared the worst.” Alex said to his friend.
“Shit Captain, did you miss me that much?” Replied 2nd Lt. Offand, chuckling.
“Piss off.” Laughed Alex.
“This is the Black Bear, limit the chatter. You can catch up when you get to base, over.”
The crew of the Retribution rolled their eyes at the sound of First Lieutenant Bunker’s voice; he was the commander of the “Black Bear” and was the biggest dickhead around. Bunker hated Alex and his crew with a passion, Alex and his crew had a mutual feeling towards him and his crew too.
“Love you too First Lieutenant.” Snickered Arran.
“I’ll talk to you when we get back to base Offand. Out,” Alex finished and then yawned, “Wake me up when we get to base. I need some shut eye.”
He closed his eyes while tucking his hotdog away in his top pocket and placing his glasses in his collar and slowly drifted to sleep as the Retribution rumbled forward.
------
The rest of the hour and a half long drive back to base went smoothly considering the heat. Roger and David idly chatted away until Sam announced they were coming up towards base.
“Alright ladies we’re just about there, Roger, wake up the Captain.”
Roger softly shook Alex’s shoulder a few times before he finally awoke from his slumber.
“…Hmmmm?” Alex mumbled, licking his lips and cracking his neck.
“We’re here sleepy head- uh, sir.” Sam announced.
“Ah, good I need to stretch these legs.” Roger said, shifting his legs around.
“You and me both, man.” David replied, shifting his own legs as well.
Alex gave a sigh of relief as he opened the cupola to see the bases main walls each corner adorned with a watchtower and a .50 cal. The company slowly formed into a column, The Retribution coming in last. Alex and the rest of the crew were thinking about finally relaxing when a strange noise come from the rear of the Retribution. Alex looked around to see Dark smoke coming from the engine.
“Captain, the temperature of the engine is rising rapidly!” Sam yelled and swore as the Retribution came to a grinding halt.
“Shit!” Alex cursed loudly, “The engine has overheated!”
His headset crackled as he revived a message,
“Well, Captain,” said a smug voice, “looks like you’ve finally pushed the Retribution too hard at last.”
“What do you want First Lieutenant?!” Alex growled back.
“Calm down Captain. I just wanted to know if your man and you would like a lift into base. We can’t have you sitting out there all day.”
Alex sat there his fists balling up. He’d rather have a tea party naked, than let that dickhead give them a lift.The Retribution II had been running perfectly ever since being deployed this morning. All the other tanks –ALL of them- had needed to stop sooner or later for field repairs, but not her. So why the hell did she decide to break down now? Alex smashed his fist against the side of the cupola and said,
“Damn it. Couldn’t you have waited just a few more metres?” He then replied to John, “Move on, First Lieutenant, before my gunner blows you to hell.”
“Why the hostility Captain? Save it for the enemy. Black Bear is moving on. Maybe we’ll see you later in the mess hall? We’ll try and leave some food for you, but no guarantees. Bunker, out.”
Alex threw off his headset and roared in frustration,
“She couldn’t have picked a worse fucking time!”
“Yes, she could.” Sam said, his voice almost a growl.
“What?” said Alex. Sam was normally quiet, but it was the confrontation tone that really surprised him.
“She could have picked a far worse time to give out on us and you bloody well know it, Captain. In fact she’s the last tank to give out in this entire company, and she waited until now, the safest moment since we deployed this morning. I reckon you should give yourself an uppercut just for saying that, sir.”
Alex was speechless.
“Yeah I think so, too!” said Roger with a firm nod.
Alex looked down at David who just smiled in agreement. Alex slowly leant back against the inside of the cupola and just looked at the crew. He’d served with all of them for years now and not once had he gone off like that, looked like his age had caught up with him. He smiled weakly and said,
“Sorry guys, looks like my age has finally caught up with me and I know I haven’t been in a good mood for weeks now.” Alex was 39 turning 40 in just a few weeks; he was the oldest in the crew, David being the youngest at 21, Sam 24 and Roger was 29.
“Don’t worry about it Captain,” Sam said, a smile slowly forming on his face, “You just need a week’s R&R and you’ll good as new.”
“Hah, yea make sure to remind me about that.” Alex said, laughing softly.
Bending to pick up his headset as it crackled, he’d received a message.
“This is the Retribution II, go ahead.”
“Retribution II, this is the M88A2 Recovery Vehicle “Atlanta”, we’ll be pulling up to you now. Give us a minute to get the tow-cables hooked up and we’ll be underway, over.”
“Understood, Atlanta,” he replied, “Let me know when you’re done.”
Alex looked at the crew and with a thoughtful smile on his face said,
“I think this would be a good time to have a stretch.”
------
“How many tanks did we lose, Major?” General Vandenburg asked his assistant.
“In total General, we lost 11 tanks and 39 crewmen.” Major Phress said grimly.
Vandenburg sighed put his coffee on his desk and sat down, looking at the Major with a frown. Doctor Hanguard’s experimental ‘shielding’ could have prevented over half of the losses, but it was still in its final testing stages and he could not risk putting innocent men’s lives at risk, not with tech like that. He didn’t understand it completely but he knew how dangerous that tech could be.
“Major, send a message down to Doctor Hanguard’s lab and check his progress. I want an update by the end of the day.” Vandenburg said rising from his chair and picking his coffee back up and taking a sip, before putting it down again in disgust.
“Also get me another coffee, this one’s gone cold.”
“Yes, sir.” Phress said before briskly saluting and walking out the door.
Vandenburg watched him leave with a slight smile on his face.
'Phress is a good man.'
He’d been his assistant for just over 5 years now. His thoughts then returned to Doctor Hanguard’s work, and its ground-breaking field. Hanguard’s work was with protective shielding, the kind of stuff from Star Trek and such, but on a much smaller scale, i.e. Tanks, Humvees, and LAVs. The shielding while not permanent provided the vehicle with up to 10 minutes or 30 direct hits from a tank's main gun before it overloaded. While being extremely useful it came at a price, a large one, costing just over $100 Million, and that’s just for one of the fucking things. Equipping the entire US Military would go into the hundreds of Billions.
Vandenburg looked at his watch and realized he’d spent just over an hour sitting here thinking. He silently cursed himself for letting himself become distracted and prepared for his meeting.
------
The Retribution II was towed away to the motor pool for some much needed repairs, in the meantime her crew received some well-deserved rest and relaxation.
It was now 11 o’clock at night and Alex couldn’t sleep. He had tried to, many times, but he’d always end up dreaming about a flash of blue light and wake up sweating like a pig.
“Fuck this shit.” Alex said, voicing his thoughts out loud.
He hopped out of his bunk and decided to grab a coffee from the mess hall. While walking he pulled out his hotdog again, a tear slowly welling up in his eye as he looked at it.
He quickly shoved it away again as to not start crying. He looked up and realized he was already at the mess hall; he opened the doors and smiled as he saw a familiar face.
“Hey, Second Lieutenant!” Alex said as he walked over to his old friend.
“Hey Blitz. Couldn’t sleep either, sir?” Arran said smiling as he turned around giving Alex a handshake.
“Yea, kept having some fucked up dream, so I decided I’d grab a coffee and sit down for a while.” Alex said while grabbing a plastic cup.
“Same here sir, having some dream with a flash of blue light.” Arran said, shaking his head and taking a sip of his coffee.
Alex stopped halfway through pouring his coffee and stared at his friend with a look of surprise, Arran looked back with a confused look on his face.
“What?”
“I was having that exact same dream, man.” Alex said, slowly pouring the rest of his coffee.
“Really?” Arran asked in surprise.
“Yeah, some massive flash of blue light and then I’d wake up sweating like a pig.” Alex replied, taking a seat next to his friend.
“Sounds about right.” Arran said after taking another sip of his coffee
“This is probably some sort of coincidence?” Alex said not too convincingly.
“Meh, probably, but I don’t believe the ‘two minds linked together shit’.” Arran replied dismissively, “I wouldn’t worry about it, sir”
“Yea I suppose not.” Alex said, moving the dream out of his head.
The pair sat there for hours talking idly until they both decided to finally head off to sleep. They parted ways but before going to bed, Alex decided to check up on the Retribution IIs repairs. Walking across the compound Alex noticed that the Mechanics were removing… armour plating from her turret? He stood there confused for a second thinking about why they would need to remove it; she had taken no damage there, maybe a few scratches, but nothing serious enough to remove an entire area of plating. What he didn’t notice was that 2 other tanks were going under similar ‘repairs’. He ran up and yelled to the Mechanics.
“What that fuck are you doing to her?!”
They all turned around; surprised that anyone would be up at this time and that they were being yelled at.
“What, sir?” A mechanic nervously replied, rubbing the back of his neck.
“I said, what are you doing?” Alex said, slowly getting closer to his tank.
“Following orders, Captain.”
Upon hearing his voice, Alex looked around to see Major Phress walk from the behind of the Retribution, he briskly saluted, Phress returning the salute, told the Mechanics to continue working and walked towards Alex.
“Major, what are they doing to my tank.” Alex said. It wasn’t a question.
“They’re getting her ready for tomorrows-” Phress looked at his watch and corrected himself, “-or should I say this morning’s test.”
“Test, sir?” Alex echoed. He didn’t like the sound of that.
“Yes, Captain, Test. I can’t reveal what kind of test, so don’t bother asking. You’ll find out in a couple of hours.” Phress said, slowly walking back he stopped and said,
“You should get some rest, Captain. That’s an order.”
“Yes, Sir.” Alex said saluting and walking back to the barracks. He didn't like the sound of this at all.
I always love a good military/pony crossover!
Also, some of the military lingo was off. (I know cuz my dad is in the military as a high-ranking offical.)
You have my ear
Just one small thing; when in a hurry, armoured units often retreat backwards then turn around later, because the armour on the front is thicker, so they keep that towards the enemy. It probably has absolutely no bearing on the rest of your story but it bugged me slightly.
so excited. that is all
You need to learn where to put commas, how to spell 'Yeah' and the difference between your and you're.
fucking love tanks
I'm kinda curious where the fighting is taking place. Seems to be in Eastern Europe somewhere if churches are a significant landmark and T-72s are actually threats to M1A2s since they would have at least the best tech available to the Warsaw Pact.
Also, I find it very strange that a general in the field has an R&D element under his chain of command. Approval for that sort of thing tends to come through the Pentagon and the staff there acting as liaisons between R&D and field command.
Of course, this all probably falls under Excuse Plot anyway and doesn't need to be thought out any further.
No Abrams have ever been lost to other tanks.
Look here, it has a list of Abrams lost in combat during the Gulf War. Some, however, have been lost to friendly Hellfire missiles hitting them. Just a friendly word of advice.
Just for future reference for when you decide to write out a radio convocation, NEVER put "over and out" in the same sentence, especially when military is considered cause their strict as when it comes to that. The main reason is because "over" means, "I have finished my transmission and await your reply", whereas "out" means, "I have ended my transmission and do not expect a reply from you". Very common mistake, but like you said, this is your first fic.
PS. I faved it, keep it up mate
1689849 Well it helps that the Abrams has never actually had to go up against a comparable tank with actually compatent crews. The Iraqi T-72s were either the infamous "Monkey Models"[1] or the even worse locally-made knock-offs. To compound the problem, the Iraqis skimped corners in the production of tank ammunition, manufacturing rounds that would have been craptastic even in the 1950s[2]. And, most importantly off all, the Iraqis were utter incompetents at tactical and operational warfare. One American officer noted that if you had switched what equipment the USA was using in the Gulf War with what the Iraqis were using, the Americans would have still utterly handed Iraqs ass too them with only somewhat higher losses.
Note that this isn't a criticism of the Abrams per-say, merely noting that the survivability of Abrams against a opponent with third-rate equipment and fourth-rate soldiers is a bad indication of what its survivability might be against, for example, the Israelis. The same applies for pretty much every other Western tank produced in the last three-and-a-half decades.
[1] Common practice among major powers with equipment sold to other nations has always been to remove the more technologically advanced (and/or "more sensitive") components to ensure security, but the Soviets took that a step further and deliberately made export models with downgraded specifications. These were known as "Monkey Models" because of the addition of the letter "M" at the end of design ID. To use the current example: the T-72M had only 3/4ths of the armor protection of the T-72A and a little half of the protection of the T-72B. The degradation of the gun's quality is less severe, but a tanks firepower is as much dependent on ammunition as it is on the gun and, as I previously noted, Iraqi ammunition was craptastic.
[2]They replaced the tungsten core in their SABOT rounds with bad-quality steel... what the hell were they thinking?!
Since the tank crew's chatter isn't remotely what you would hear inside of a US tank, let alone the Abrams, I could not give this story a thorough reading. I would recommend watching Richard Hammond's Crash Course episode where he learns how to crew the tank, as this is one of the most in depth reveals of how to crew an Abrams I have seen on the civilian market.
I noticed a person saying 'over and out', which is probably one of the worst and most annoyingly obvious civilian choice of words. Over means 'done transmitting, awaiting reply', whereas Out means 'done transmitting, no reply expected'. To put it another way, saying 'over' means you are continuing the conversation, whereas 'out' means we're done talking. Put together, that obviously makes 0% sense, and can really get military personnel riled up surprisingly easy.
Also, the military tries very hard to remove cursing from operational chatter, as it is just extra clutter when in dangerous situations. Obviously, in very stressful situations when lives are on the line, people will let some slip, but even these notably rarer in tank crews, than say, infantry.
i swere that is taken right from Gunheads then thairs the tank names, retribution 2, and last rights 2? the recovery tank Atlanta and an atlas support vehical
M1 abroms tanks have NBC armor and protection sistoms it wold tank a lot more that an RPG/T-72/AtG missile to bring one down, unlike a Lemon Russ battle tank
its just way too many simularitys to be a cowincadence
but overall i like Gunheads and Lemon Russ battle tanks and M1A1 abroms and ponys
herm....think ive heard an exchange like that reading the warhammer book "hammer of the emperor". great story btw, as many human in equestria fics ive read, i always seem to come back for more. here's hoping this one has a good run.
sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c9.0.403.403/p403x403/409350_399258103475771_1157567786_n.jpg
Well this gonna be good
*reads*
Ohhhhyah
SO AWSOME ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE TANKS IN EQUESTRIA.
First off I'd like to congratulate you. Not for for the story, though that is rather good.
Instead of the insipid, and common, 'first fic please be nice to me' you asked for constructive criticism which implies not only is this story more than an ego boost for you, but that you are willing to listen to your readers. That is promising.
Anyway, onto the criticism.
I can't claim to know much about military protocol but from the sounds of the other comments you need to brush up on it. I'm not saying you have to get it perfect, but as close to real life as possible is best.
I think you did well to keep the setting vague in the first chapter. Giving out the information as the story progresses is much better than just hitting everyone with an info-dump at the beginning.
You should indicate a new paragraph with either a space or an indentation. Personally I prefer a space, but either one is fine.
Actually it is. The 'what' is a give-away. Even if he already knows the answer or is making a demand that is still a question. For the phrase 'wasn't a question' you need a statement that could be a question but isn't, like "Major, you know what's going on here." That could be a question, depending on his tone, but in this case isn't.
While technically correct, this paragraph is confusing. I had to go back re-check Sam's nickname for it to make sense. I would mention his nickname in this paragraph instead of earlier, making it flow smoother.
Well, that's enough botherin' you for now. Like I said this story is good so far. Sure it needs polish, but so long as you're willing to work on it I suspect it'll shape up nicely. Keep on writing and I'll keep reading, chief.
You lost half your tank company to T-72s? Who's commanding this platoon? General B.S. Ripper?
Commas are your friend, don't neglect them.
Uh, hello, this is the US military we're talking about. Just sign the letter with a "Pretty Please" and you'll get all the money you'll ever need!
Just to clarify, the Abrams tank has a stellar combat record. Very few of the tanks have been "lost". A total of 32 tanks lost is a ridiculous prospect, I would say immobilized.
Just know.
You don,t seem to have much of a military background (I get it, you're in high school, so am I)......or an American one.
I can't do it.
I'm actually a Marine in a Tank unit....and ouch.
I mean dude, you are killing me here. I tried to get through it. I really did.
I'll be fair, it MIGHT actually be a good story. But I just couldn't do it. It's like every mistake a civilian writing about the military can make.
That's not how tanks commands work. Radio protocols, are horrifying. Your Marines are addressing each other using first names, no. Your enlisted are talking to officers like they're fucking buddies, NO! A 1stLt. was giving a Captain fuckin' attitude, THEN uses names on the radio. Marines call it a "Chow hall." A bunk is called a "Rack"
How in the fuck did you lose 31 tanks?! My 170 man company has like...5 tanks, and one 88. I mean, there are only like...200 something M1s in the ENTIRE Marine Corps, much less a single company.
If you want I'd be more than happy to help you out. I understand that this was all just the result of ignorance and I can;t expect the average civvy to know this shit. But if your going to write about it at least TRY to do some homework. Like I said I'll help you if you want, just ask.
It was an interesting concept for a story. It's been done already, but what hasn't? I wish I was able to look past the errors and appreciate the story, but until this whole thing gets an overhaul it's just like nails on a chalkboard.
WALL. OF. TEXT. Sweet god the formatting is horrible.
Also (you will ignore this but) you should probably talk to some of the military guys. I've never found them to be anything less than happy to help to make things accurate and believable. As is, kill it with fire.
You should probably watch this video series if you want to write about Abrams:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rr1bdanv9tw
60minutes of marines learning to use the Abrams. Very detailed.
Otherwise... Um, yeah. This story contains a lot of errors.
Oh wow... that was an... interesting attempt!
Normally I'd offer to help with this kind of thing. Doubly so since I'm a Canadian military Vehicle technician that deals almost exclusively with tank maintenance and operation, but though I've worked a fair bit on Abrams tanks before because of cross training (Because you never know!) most of my expertise is with Leopard tanks, both 1 and 2. So my advice would be to let muppetz help you, he can probably do a better job of it seeing he's actually in the military your writing about.
Also, one thing that really rustled my jimmies (besides the formatting: please fix) was the fact they put this shielding thing on an M1! You'd think they'd want to put in on an M2 instead since thats the current best platform available.
The base looks like Star Wars in my brain, and everything is pitch black with a few flickering lights.
Wtf?
A fanfic about a bunch of tanks in Equestria? this is the first one I've seen
^This. Please delete this. My first instinct upon reading this was immediately to [X] out of the window. Apologizing for the quality of a fic at it's start will lose you a significant number of readers. First impressions cannot be remade, and if ours is your lack of confidence, then we assume you aren't confident in your fic for a reason!
1969179
Then you haven't seen this -> http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21866/blood-and-guts-and-ponies
That one has a Tiger in it as well.
I see somebody has read Hammer of the Emperor
Will you add your story to my group?
Link to group
hummmm
2171516 But the writing sucks balls.
4457189
Not to mention how badly it offends the historian inside me. This one has so far avoided doing so, so I'm giving it a try.
3394923 What in the fucking name of *Glowcloud* is your avatar?
5353992 From what I have gathered of him (I assume he's male...) He's one of the... stranger of the furies, in that HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING USEFULL AND ABUSES THE PICTURES!!!
1699558 There are 12 tanks in an armor battalion, right? Please correct me if I'm wrong.
1699558
Tanks for runining the story. I thought i could keep on track, but the errors are too high caliber.
Thank the blowout panels, they saved lives