DopeySpike
Joined 15th Aug, 2012 ·
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NICE! ME LIKE! plz contiune, i LIKES
Awwww shit another cra- wait.....its second person? Must Read!
1496725 You can expect an awesome plot line, my friend!
Feel free to watch me! Hehe!
Woah, you are awesome. Look forward to your next chapter!
Lawl! Typo!
An epic adventure where you are the hero. At the end, will you choose to go back to Earth and leave your love behind? You never
...
know what the future3 could hold. But now... to the story
whats with all the hate?
this is an awsome story.
Da fuk I am a junky who get fucked up by Celestia da fuk
WE will read on and pass judgement upon thy tell
Make it good.
Well Chapter 2 to is interesting? I don't get the hate, Oh wait it might be because chapter 1. I had to read it 2 times too fallow that. However I want to see how this unfolds, YOU SIR ARE NOW BEING WATCHED!
good job
Promising, but needs work. When someone else it talking, it needs a new paragraph. Near the end of this chapter, you and Celly are both talking, but it's all in the same paragraph. That's a big no-no for writers. Speaking of paragraphs, could you space out those paragraphs a bit? They're all packed together a little to much, and it can make reading trudgey in some cases.
Also, more descriptions wouldn't hurt. We know it's dark when you're in the alley with Snake, but is it raining, or just cloudy? Maybe it's a clear night, full moon. You're in an alley, does it reek of city garbage, or is it a suburban town with a sinister undertone? Is Snake's coat well-cleaned and pressed like a rich man who earned his money dishonestly, or is it as slimy and greasy as his name, with bits of crumbs and fluff collecting in each pocket as you take the tobacco out?
One major tip for writingl the audience doesn't know by hint. I'm sometimes vague in my fics when it comes to character description, sure, but that's so the reader can insert themselves. For everything else... try to paint a picture of the scene and characters with words, if that makes sense.
Overall, a nice twist on Human-in-Equestria style storytelling, what with him being a criminal and all that. Just take my advice and be more descriptive. Make us feel like we're there. That's all I can think of thus far.