Crazy Heart(strings)
It was just supposed to be a normal day. Waking up, I noticed a note placed by my bed; it was from Twilight.
Dear Matt,
Spike and I are headed to Canterlot for some important business with the Princess. We will be back by the time night falls. Hope you slept well, have a good day.
- Twilight Sparkle
I don’t know what exactly that business was, probably checking on the progress of the spell Celestia was working on. Then again, it’s only been a few days, and she said it was going to take months to complete. After my morning stretch, bath, and looking over the many bruises that I had accumulated over the past couple days, I had a small breakfast of some nutritious fruit.
I have to say, I was really getting a hang of this healthy thing. My stomach, which had a slight pudge for most of my life, started to go down a little. With no extremely fatty foods in sight, with the exception to Sweet Apple Acres pies, or Sugar Cube Corner’s many treats, I was going to lose weight in no time.
After that, I began to plan my day. It was originally going to entail making my way to Fluttershy’s house, being the pony that I interacted with the least during their stay in Manhattan, I had hoped to get to know her better, and maybe break through the timid exterior that she had shown me. Maybe, if I had time after that, I would seek out Rainbow Dash, though a part of me felt that she would require a whole other day to work through, given that we weren’t exactly on the best of terms when she was in my apartment.
Putting on my clothes, I was ready to go out the door. Upon opening said door, however, there was somepony standing in my way. An aquamarine colored pony, with a shining blue and white mane, and a cutie mark that looked like a lyre, one of those stringed instruments I would see in fancy restaurants. I glanced at the mark quickly, just in case she would mistake me for some kind of pony pervert. That day at Applejack’s had gotten me curious about the marks on the other ponies behinds. Strange to admit, I know, but it had to be said.
“Hello?” I asked the pony.
“Hi, Sir!” she said, with an enthusiastic grin on her face. “My name is Lyra Heartstrings. I see you are the new resident of Ponyville, and I bid you welcome!”
“Oh…thanks.” I said. It was nice to see somepony I didn’t know, greet me with such a warm welcome, rather than being swarmed by the paparazzi. “My name is Matt.”
“Pleased to meet you, Matt. I was just going door to door, selling some perfume, and I was wondering if the mare of the house would like to sample some?”
“Twilight’s not here, unfortunately. I’m sorry.”
“That’s okay. Hey, would you like to try some?”
“I don’t know, I’m really not much of a perfume kind of guy.”
“Oh, sure you are. I bet you would be perfect to decide if she’ll like it or not. Maybe you could give it to her on one of those romantic dates?”
“She’s just a friend, but…” A thought then crossed my mind. She had been kind enough to allow me to live with her, bought me things, and gave me a bed to sleep in. Maybe I could repay her, by getting her things. However, perfume could send the wrong message, as I wasn’t looking for anything close to a romantic relationship with her. Then again, I thought that it couldn’t hurt to give it a shot. “You know what? Sure. I’ll sample some.”
“Great!” her eyes lit up like Christmas. She pulls a bottle from her pouch, as she sprays a generous portion on a nice white rag. She holds it up, gesturing me to come closer. “Tell me what you think.”
I lean down to sniff the rag. It doesn’t smell like much, but what it did smell like was really strong. It made my eyes really heavy.
“It…almost smells like….”
Suddenly, I had the urge to black out. And I totally did.
Chloroform? Really? Of all the things that could have knocked me out in Equestria, it was chloroform? I would have preferred getting hit in the back of a head with a stick. Great, I probably jinxed myself by even saying that. Now I’m going to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life. But future events had to wait; right now, I was unconscious, and the cause was this Lyra Heartstrings.
I began to slowly but surely regain consciousness. My vision was extremely blurry, but I could tell that I was in a dark room, lit only by a single swinging light. Like the kinds I would see in those detective movies back in my dimension, where the hard boiled cop would interrogate the witness, making him crack under pressure. This was not a police interrogation however, far from it.
“Subject’s skin is a little paler than anticipated.” I heard a familiar voice say. “Could change if exposed to light for an extended period of time, maybe?” I recognized the voice, it was definitely this Lyra chick. I then felt a hoof against my stomach. “A little squishy in the abdomen, but definitely has a fitness to him in other areas.”
Suddenly, I felt a wet tongue lick the side of my face. That was a wake-up call, if I ever felt one. My eyes snap completely open.
“Subject tastes of nothing. That doesn’t surprise me.”
“What the hell?!” I shouted. Lyra turned to me, ceasing her talks into a giant recording device, with buttons made to accommodate her hooves. She shuts it off, and walks over to me.
“Ah, you’re awake. How do you feel?”
“Like I’ve been kidnapped! How do you think I feel?!”
“Apologies for the charade, but I didn’t think you would come with me willingly.”
“What do you…” suddenly, I felt…nothing much really. This is usually the part where I would discover that my hands and feet were chained to something, or that I was tied to a chair, but that moment never came. I was free to roam around the room as I pleased. All that was there was a table with the aforementioned recording device, that light, and Lyra. “You’re not very good at this, are you?”
“With what?” she asked.
“Kidnapping. Aren’t you going to torture me, or something?” Great, I was being a real idiot. Giving her ideas like that.
“What? No!” she said, “Why would I do that? That’s sick!”
“Then, why did you knock me out, and bring me to this dark basement?”
“It’s not that dark. There’s a light above you, see? And I brought you here, so I can study you.”
“Get in line, Lyra. Twilight is already doing that.”
“But that’s not fair! I got here first!”
“What are you talking about?”
Lyra’s horn glowed a soft green, as a book floated over to the table. I walked over to it, as she slammed the book down, opening it to show a detailed drawing of a human male and female. She may have been slightly crazed, but she drew very well.
“I knew about the humans long before Ms. Sparkle did! I told them that nearly hairless, two legged creatures with hands existed, but nopony ever believed me! Now, that you have appeared, it’s Twilight that gets all the credit…not me! I deserve to be the one to see how you work!”
“How did you know about us in the first place?”
“In my dreams! I dreamt of meeting you...touching you…holding you, and now I have you…I can do what I want!” she flashed a crazy smile at me, and I slowly backed away. “Now take off your pants, and let me see what you got!”
“Hell no!” I shouted, “What’s with you ponies trying to get my pants off? Only Rarity had any success with that.”
“Did she now?” Lyra asked with a sly look.
“No, not like that! It was for…clothes and stuff…the point is that I’m not going to do it!”
“Oh fine, have it your way, I suppose.” her crazy smile disappeared into something friendlier, which bewildered me.
“Wah? That’s it?”
“Well, it’s not like I’m going to rip your clothes off and examine you from top to bottom, if you weren’t going to consent to it.”
“But you chloroformed me! You already did something without my consent!”
“Okay, that’s true. Alright, let’s say that I didn’t drug you. That I went up to your door and said ‘Hey, I’m Lyra Heartstrings, and I was wondering if I could examine your body’, what would you have said?”
“NO!”
“See what I mean? Now this whole thing is meaningless!”
“What? You seriously didn’t have a backup plan in case I said no?”
“I didn’t quite think that far ahead.”
“Why couldn’t have you just examined me, when I was unconscious?”
She paused. I’m an idiot, once again.
“That’s a good idea. I’m going to drug you again! THEN I can do as I please, and there will be nothing you can do about it!”
“Well, that’s no good. Because now I’m expecting it! You try it, and I’ll fight you!”
“Like heck you will, come here!”
Just then, she lunged at me, cloth in hoof, as she tackled me to the floor. We wrestled as she attempted to shove the chloroform soaked cloth back into my face, but I was having none of it. I wasn’t going to let her examine me without my consent, and by god I was going to do everything I could to get her off me. With a sudden bout of strength, I pushed her off me with mighty force, as she fell onto the ground.
“I told you I was going to fight you!” Silence. She wasn’t responding. “Uhhh…Lyra? You alright?” Still nothing. Worried that I might have injured her, I walked over to her body and turned it over. She had landed on her own cloth. She was out cold.
“Oh, for the love of god.” I said in disbelief, meeting a palm with my face. These situations just get worse all the time. Now, my captor was out like a light, and I was free to go.
I walked up to the basement door, opening it up to reveal…that I was still in Twilight’s house the whole time. I guess that explained why nopony questioned Lyra as she was dragging my body across the gravel, and why I didn’t have dirt on me whatsoever. What this also meant, was that I couldn’t just leave Lyra down there. After a long pause, filled with sighs, I went back down to the basement, picking up Lyra, and laying her down on the couch.
As I checked her for any injuries, I had to admit that she was pretty cute, when she wasn’t trying to knock me out for disturbing needs. Using the first aid skills I learned from Twilight, I bandaged up a minor scrape that she received during our tussle.
She didn’t wake up for another hour. I had a few things to do while waiting, like read one of those science books that Twilight loved so much. I don’t know what came over me then, as the book I read was extremely boring. What I wouldn’t have given for a magazine to read. I picked the next best thing, and read Twilight’s journal she left lying around the house. Skimming through it, I saw her observations in Equestria, and some pretty neat pictures too. I looked over my section, seeing that she really did write down most of the silliness I spouted, along with the added bonus of actual facts.
Lyra gradually woke up, groaning as her eyes opened. I ceased reading the book, as I went back to her side. Her eyes opened, staring right at me.
“Urgh, What happened?” she asked.
“You kind of knocked yourself out. I had to bring you upstairs.”
“Hey, you didn’t try anything while I was out, did you?”
“What kind of guy do you think I am, exactly?”
“I don’t know how human males behave, when there’s an unconscious female present!”
“First of all, I didn’t do anything. Second of all, you drugged me first. How do I know you didn’t try anything?”
“Because, I told you that I wasn’t going to do anything without your permission!”
“How do I know that? What if you took advantage of me, then put my clothes back on without me knowing, and this is all an act?”
“Wha…I…NO! Definitely not! Besides, you’re human! I may be curious about the human male as much as the next scientific pony, but not THAT curious!”
“Exactly, and I didn’t do anything because not only am I a chivalrous guy, but also because you’re a pony!”
“How long are you going to keep riding that scooter, when you realize that there are no human women around?”
“I…” Huh. As strange as this conversation was going, she was completely right. “You have a point there. I’m going to have to think about that.” Then, it hit me. “Well, I won’t be a human for long, because Princess Celestia is going to change me into one of you! So there!”
“Really?” she wondered.
“Yeah! And once that happens, I won’t have to worry about that for as long as I live!”
“Worry about what? Being attracted to ponies?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“Yes you did! You want to become one of us, so you won’t feel bad when you eventually find us attractive!”
“Don’t put words in my mouth, you crazy ass mare! I said nothing of the sort!”
“Then, why are you changing yourself?”
“So I can fit in!”
“And so you can date other ponies!”
“Will you stop that?! Sure, you’re all kind of cute, and huggable and stuff, but attractive? No! I’m not attracted to you ponies! And I never will be attracted to you ponies, and nothing you can do will change th…”
In an instant, she latched onto my body, as her forelegs and hind legs wrapped themselves around me, as she drove her lips into mine. I stood up as quickly as I could, as she continued to ravage my face with the sloppiest of kisses I have ever experienced. I grabbed her hips, as I mercilessly tried to push her off of me, as her tongue invaded the depths of my mouth, and continually lapped up my tongue in the process. She wasn’t budging, and had no intention to let go, for as long as she wanted to.
“Mmmph...STOP IT!” I yell with a free breath.
“NO!” she yells back, forcing another kiss.
I backed myself into the kitchen cabinets, as my attempts to get her off of me became more and more futile. Her horn glowed, and my belt flew off my pants and across the room at blinding speed, knocking over a vase. With no belt to hold them up, my pants descended to my knees.
“Mmmph…LET GO OF ME!” I break away to yell again.
“NEVER!” she dives right back in.
My flailing limbs knocked nearby plates and cups down on the floor, before I was forced to move elsewhere. I stumbled again, and was slammed against a nearby wall. Soon, much to my surprise, I felt my body beginning to surrender to her, as my pushes became caresses, and my eyes relaxing to the feeling of her in my mouth. This may have been a science experiment for her, but dammit, it was an interesting one.
Just then, as my hand started to move down her back…
“Matt, we’re home!” Twilight called out, walking through the front door with Spike. “You won’t believe the day I….” she then ceased with what she had to say.
We stopped. Both Lyra and I separated ourselves from each other's mouths, as we looked at Twilight and Spike, both absolutely mortified at what they were seeing.
“Is this the part where I say ‘what the hay is going on?’” she queried.
“Is this the part where I say ‘It’s not what it looks like?’” I respond.
A flash from a light went off. We all look to see Spike holding up a camera, with a devilish smile on his face.
“I think the newspaper would like this!” He said, running off into the darkness of the night.
“Spike!” I yelled after him. It was no use.
Lyra finally let go of me, brushing herself off with her hooves, and straightening out her mane.
“Well…” she said, “Thanks for the…uh…experiment. I’m going to…uh…go now…and…do…stuff….” she trots back to the basement, bringing back her book and tape recorder with her. “So…uh….yeah….nice meeting you…and…take care with the…thing…bye.” She then rocketed out of the house in both embarrassment and fright.
As for me; after pulling my pants back up, I collapsed against the wall, sliding down into a sitting position. Twilight carefully walked up to my shocked state of being, and sat down next to me. Interestingly enough, she didn’t look angry, but a slight smirk formed on her face.
“So…how was your day?” she asked.
“I was drugged, kidnapped, and I believe I just got taken advantage of. Otherwise, it was alright. How about yours?”
“Well, Canterlot was pretty crowded. The Wonderbolts were in town, and so I watched Rainbow Dash try to get onto their team for the millionth time.”
“How did that go?”
“She might have a shot.”
“That’s cool.” I said, “How’s Celestia doing?”
“She’s good. She hasn’t started on the spell yet. Said that duties were getting in the way, and told me to apologize for her.”
“That’s alright. Tell her there’s no rush or anything.”
“Yeah. I can tell.” she giggled. I shot her a look of annoyance. “Sorry, I should have told you about Lyra. She is a bit…eccentric.”
“I think that’s just putting it mildly.”
“So, what exactly happened, anyway?”
“I think I was planning on buying you perfume.”
“Do I smell bad?”
“No. I felt like doing something nice. Turned out the perfume Lyra was selling was chloroform. I don’t think you would like that very much.”
“I don’t think anypony would like that.”
“Then, she was talking about how she wanted to study me, with my permission. It was really weird.”
“Why didn’t she just study you when you were unconscious?”
“That’s what I said! Then she tried to drug me again! One thing led to another, and…”
“She had her tongue down your throat.” Twilight finished the story for me.
“Yeah, that about covers it.”
“Are you going to be alright? You look out of it.”
“Sure. I’ll be fine. I might need some psychiatric help for a few…hundred…thousand...years…but I think I’ll be alright. Are you mad at me?”
“I’m actually trying not to laugh, right now.”
“Are you serious?”
“Very.”
“Go ahead and laugh. I really doubt that it’s going to hurt my…”
She laughs. It’s loud, very loud. She was laughing so hard, that she could hardly breathe when it was getting to the end of her guffaw fest. I was wrong. It did kind of annoy me. Still, I couldn’t imagine how she must have felt, walking into a situation like that, and I don’t even want to.
“I’m sorry…” she said, nearly in tears from laughing so hard. “Sweet Celestia, that was just too funny.”
“I’m glad somepony found some enjoyment out of this.”
“I don’t know. You seemed to enjoy it.”
“Don’t start. This is going to scar me for life. By tomorrow, I’m going to be in the papers as the human that made out with a pony.”
“It’s no better than that one time, when somepony caught another making out with a tub of jelly.”
“Oh my god! That happened? Ponies are weird. Not all of them. But still…”
“All I’m trying to say is…don’t worry about it. Yeah, you’re probably going to be hounded for a while, but it’ll pass. Besides, you’re going to be a pony soon anyway. So, you can make out with all the mares you want when that happens.
“Oh, good for me.” I say with a great deal of sarcasm, “I’m furiously anticipating that.”
“You want me to clean up the mess you two made?”
“No, I got it. You go get ready for bed or whatever. I’m just going to stay here for a bit. Sorry I broke a couple of your plates…and that vase over there.” I pointed at the shattered vase, where my belt was lying on top of the wreckage.
“I’ll take care of that.” she said. She walked over to the vase, and used her magic to mend it back together. My belt came floating back to me, and I grabbed it out of the air. “There, good as new. Next time somepony takes off your belt, make sure it doesn’t hit anything fragile.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I chuckled.
Twilight nodded, as she went upstairs.
I sat still for a few minutes, reflecting on the crazy events of the day. Not a week into this world, and already I was bruised, trampled, and made out with. I was seriously rethinking my exclamation about how I was going to like it in Equestria. I wanted to close my eyes, in hopes that I was just having the weirdest dream in the world. Something to tell people about…or not tell about.
The oddest thing was, all I could really think about how strange it was that I felt compelled to continue the madness that was happening when Lyra was full on making out with me.
I was going to need some serious therapy.
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Lyrapist i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/103/740/Me%20Gusta.png?1318992465
For some strange reason this was playing in my head while they were making out.
Poor(?) Matt....
Me Gusta (twilight)
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/291/1/1/me_gusta_by_felix_kot-d4czysz.png
Therapy... You have three choices.
1: Get an actual pyschiatrist
2: get Deep Psyche (I think thats the name of the one who shut down the Lunar Stallion Orphanage) to make a BS recovery.
3: Get Princess Molestia to listen to your troubles.
omg so hilarious, keep writing my friend because it's simply AWSOME!
Lyra just reached a whole new level of crazy in my book.
I love this story so damn much. Seriously.
Matt nearly gets raped and twilight laughs? Not cool.
Damn, I have to feel sorry for poor old Matty here, almost gets violated and Twilight nearly laughed her ass off. I can't imagine the intense BO that Matt had to deal with from Lyra due to such a......intimate contact. Must be haunting his waking mind everyday and can't rub off the scent off the showers so easily. Hopefully getting a therapist is not too expensive in Equestria......
Anyhow great work man, really funny stuff. Keep up the good work!
1522633
This was playing in my head. Don't worry, it's not dirty.
1535913
Not Dirty you say? Well I shall have a listen.
*30 seconds in*
Really? NOT dirty? How is the beginning anything BUT dirty?
LYYRRAAA! That traumatizes people!
lol dam
As soon as Lyra said she was 'Going Door-To-Door Selling Perfumes' I had a bad feeling that I knew what was about to happen. Especially since I've read a couple of FanFiction's where Lyra ends up knocking out the human.
3589313 Ok, I was not expecting where that ended up going, i wrote that right after he got knocked out.
1619862 You expected something written by 'Porno Sonic' to not be dirty?
Anyone can write about crazy Lyra, but it takes some skill to make it funny and you totally did.
Well, you know what they say: "You can't spell therapy without rape."
3312289 t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQz_0rPPJp8JOP_5QRwRH9rXUmLhlahVd6imZHfFbcf6eXXqvWdmpDtC7XqtA
whats with all the thumbs down?
4079592
therapist
the-rapist
4568262 they comment with the same comment in other fics just watch in the coming chapters you will see that same comment over and over again
Um... Spike wouldn't do that... like at all.
... Okay then.
"Can you do me a favor? Tell me if this rag smells like chloroform."
Is it rape if it feels good?
its raping time
8043205
The answer is yes. I could go on but I will keep it simple.
Here is where I would become VERY concerned. Apparently involuntary drugging, kidnapping, and attempted violent (he has hands, yes, but she used magic) rape are things of humor, and not something to report to the authorities. I might not blow up at Twilight about it, but I would sit her down and ask several/many questions about local customs and laws.
This once happened to me . I was french kissed by a Horse . And I Loved it . ( it might have been some perfume Iwas wearing and I forgot that .
The term you’re looking for is ‘seksual assault.’ Seriously, Twilight. Why is none of this stuff bothering you? He’s your responsibility and friend. Or is all of this stuff legal and acceptable in this Equestria?
11734923
It's kind of his own fault too. This dude is an idiot and a "Yes Man". He knew the consequences and he still took'em.