I write Creepypastas on YouTube. Since a lot of my works relate to MLP, I thought I'd make an account here. Constructive criticism is much appreciated. Profile picture by RedxGamer.
An alternate universe story. After Princess Luna is rioted against for her actions a millennium ago, alongside her efforts to help fillies overcome their fears, Celestia loses her cool and confronts the rebellious people of Ponyville. However, she does something that not only causes her to lose her reputation, but make her loved ones fear her.
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This was an okay story but it needs clarification on a bunch of aspects of it. Celestia losing her shit and murdering people okay but there's so many steps that seemingly were missed before it got that bad. I understand what it tried to do but it's probably have a consequences for the actions other than everyone was freaked out when she did something insane.
I can buy Luna's reintegration into Equestrian society being a lot more rough than it was depicted in the show (you can't exactly go on long tangents about how it'd shake up Equestrian society on all levels), but this feels like an extreme overcorrection.
For one, I can't buy an entire riot because a few ponies got bad dreams. Is it bad PR for the Luna? Sure. But when you got the pony who was here centuries before you and will be here for centuries after you to vouch for her, I'd be inclined to think most would give her a measure of patience and give her time to get up to speed. And even if that wasn't the case, I just can't see protests turning violent. Maybe if the nightmares somehow caused the foals to die, but that'd be its own can of worms of grimderpness.
For two, drama needs tact and buildup, and this story lacks both. When Luna was hit with a random brick and her reaction was a "it hurts", that felt more like a deadpan joke than a tragic moment. And Celestia deciding to pop heads? What? Where was the Guard except for those few stragglers, who seemed more intent on stopping Celestia, instead of the crowd? By the end I was wondering if this is meant to be a serious story or a shitpost, like Cupcakes and co.
All in all, I like the concept of a political and societal crisis, but this feels very underbaked and not at all thought out.
This story was an interesting read, but like a few people have pointed out, it could've been improved if there was more buildup and more aspects had been more thought out. Riots don't usually turn violent for no reason, often times it's a reaction to another action. And not to mention mob mentality takes a huge role in things like this.
I think it was a good concept, but it wasn't well executed. Give it some more time in the oven, and this could've been an interesting look and maybe even a critic at the politics that go into riots and protests.
Well.... Everyone has a tipping point, no matter who you are, you can only take so much before you break.
Hi everyone. Thank you very much for the criticism. What you just read was an in-universe Creepypasta I wrote on a separate website and reposted here. As a fan of MLP, I see that both fans and non-fans of the show have their own separate mixed viewpoints and that's alright. If anything, seeing people actually express their thoughts on my work makes me smile, and strive for improvement. So, again, thank you.