"I don’t need another bath." I said with a bit of annoyance as I stared down at my fur, which was sopping wet.
Lovelight laughed and continued to put that ‘soap’ stuff into my hair, and she scrubbed deeply while doing it. "Honey, you know it’s normal to clean like this every day. Right?"
I looked up at her with my mouth wide in shock. "Every day?" I asked loudly.
She giggled, "Yes. You’ll get dirty."
I huffed and looked up at her with a bit of a sour face. "But why is it so… strong?"
"The smell?" She asked, "It’s to make you smell good!"
She said it with such confidence that I didn’t feel it would make sense to argue, "It’s certainly… something. At least the water feels nice."
I closed my eyes as she poured water over my head to wash the soap away. The warmth was soothing, even as my mind began to wander in the silence. It wandered back to when I would practice my water magic as a small child, and my mom would always get upset after I drenched myself. But she’d always be right there to help dry me off. My mom was great…
I released a whimper as a sudden rush of emotions poured over me. I hadn’t meant to; it just came out. Lovelight’s face grew alarmed at the sound. "Was it too hot?" She asked worriedly.
I shook my head, and she analyzed me for a moment like she always did. "Are you okay?" She asked simply.
I nodded, but Lovelight quickly placed her hoof against my cheek and urged me to look at her. "You’ve been hiding your emotions since this morning. Is it something I can help with?"
I sighed and closed my eyes. "Not unless you can change the past." I spoke in a defeated tone.
She leaned in with a towel and wrapped it around me, then she hugged me. "I wish I could, little one." She said as she nuzzled me.
A loud knocking was heard at the front door. I felt my breath hitch and my body freeze. Lovelight continued to dry me off, and must’ve noticed my reaction, "You’re okay." She reassured me quietly.
Haze called from the living room, "Miss Foster is here, dear."
Wait, Miss Foster was here? Was she going to take me back to Twilight? Was I in trouble?
"One moment!" Lovelight called back. She smiled warmly at me as she finished drying me off, saying, "Okay, sweetie, Miss Foster is just going to ask you some questions. I want you to answer honestly, okay?"
I slowly nodded as a bit of panic spread through me. "Is she going to take me?" I asked fearfully.
Lovelight nuzzled me, "Shh… Just be truthful with her."
"O-Okay." I said with a nod.
I was carried out of their bathroom, still comfortably wrapped in the towel, as Lovelight and Foster greeted each other. "Hi, Miss Foster." Lovelight said the words kindly, but I almost noticed a bit of worry in her tone.
Foster nodded. "Nurse Lovelight, it’s a pleasure." Foster was well rested now, and she was fully in business mode. She was almost a different person after sleeping.
Lovelight gestured to their living room as they both took seats on chairs that faced each other. I was placed next to Lovelight carefully, and Foster’s gaze drifted down to me. She gave a smile, "Hello Mellow. How are you doing, dear?"
I pulled the towel farther around me, "I-I’m okay, Miss Foster."
Foster nodded curiously as she tilted her head at Lovelight. "I understand that Twilight Sparkle was… mistreating Mellow?"
I looked down at my hooves as Lovelight released a long sigh. "When I went to visit Mellow, he was very upset; he was in nirik form, and he was saying he hated them and himself."
"Is that true?" Foster's question was clearly directed towards me.
I slowly nodded and leaned against Lovelight’s side. "She said I was dangerous." I said quietly.
Foster released a long and slightly upset sigh as she pushed up her glasses and wrote something down in her small book. I felt myself growing concerned as I pushed closer to Lovelight’s side, and she reciprocated by petting my head.
Foster looked up and watched us for a moment with a concerned face. "Well, I can’t say I’ve ever been in this predicament. Because what Twilight did was a breach of our policies on foster homes. I was still ordered to place Mellow with her by none other than Celestia herself."
Haze finally finished cleaning dishes as he came and sat on my left side on the couch. Haze hummed curiously, "Don’t you have more authority if you feel you may… use it?"
Foster slowly nodded. "If I were to deem Twilight’s house an unfit living space, I could waive the order, but…"
She looked down at me, but I averted my gaze and buried my muzzle in Lovelight’s side. Foster sighed sadly. "And so what happened when you found him?" Foster asked.
Lovelight nodded, "Well, I got a bit angry with Twilight. Then I calmed Mellow down and decided to take him home with me. It seemed like the best option."
Foster hummed, "Technically, the best option is to contact me so that I can witness the situation myself."
Lovelight nodded and looked down at her hooves before looking back up with a steeled expression and saying, "I wasn’t just going to leave him there. They were so busy arguing they barely cared about Mellow."
Haze nodded in agreement, "I’ve only spent a few hours with this little one; he has to be one of the most well-behaved and friendly foals I’ve met. I have no clue how they messed up so hard."
Foster nodded as she continued to write things down. "Mellow, what did you think about Twilight?"
I grew nervous as I shrank a bit. "I think she’s a nice pony. B-But I… I don’t understand her. She scares me a little bit."
"She scares you?" Foster asked with a raised brow.
I nodded. "She apologized twice and then still called me dangerous. I felt like I was… back with my master." I could feel Lovelight tense up, and the other two probably did as well. I rushed to clarify myself: "My master would always… tell me that I was talented, that I was perfect, that I was more powerful than everyone else."
Foster was practically scribbling; she was writing so fast, but it felt good to finally talk about it, so I continued. "But then he would switch, and… a-and hurt me… He would tell me I was worthless if I didn’t do what he wanted fast enough."
Lovelight stroked the top of my head and said, "Mellow, you don’t have to talk if it hurts…"
I shook my head and looked up as anger filled my eyes. "He’d hurt me, then hurt others, then make me hurt others. He made me sick. But without him, I would’ve died long before then…"
Foster looked up at me worriedly, "This is less about Twilight’s personality. You’re saying that people with power scare you, if I were to make a guess?"
I nodded, "I guess. I mean, Twilight does the part where she is nice, then she turns around and hurts my feelings. That’s why I said that… I don’t know if I can trust her." I said as I hid my face again.
Lovelight leaned down and nuzzled me lovingly, "I’m here, little one; it’s okay." After she retracted her muzzle, I hugged her foreleg.
Foster continued. "Usually I’d have to do a full investigation, and Mellow would be placed back with Twilight with heavy observance."
I whimpered and hugged Lovelight tighter. "No! Please don’t take me." I pleaded as my eyes teared up, and I buried my face in Lovelight’s side.
"Shh… You didn’t let me finish! I’m not taking you away, sweetie." Foster said quickly.
I looked at her in disbelief, "You’re n-not?"
She shook her head with a smile, "You really love her, don’t you?"
I nodded quickly, and Foster chuckled. "Then who am I to take you from the people you love?" Foster glanced up at the two adults, "Of course, if that’s okay with you?"
"Yes!" Lovelight spoke quickly as she released a long breath of relief.
"Of course it is." Haze said with a large smile.
Foster nodded as she flipped through a few pages and wrote some things down: "Alright, it’ll be a bit of a paperwork nightmare, but it’s all done. You’re his temporary foster family. Until the princesses return, and then it’s back in their hooves."
My ears perked up in excitement as Lovelight swept me up into her arms with a giggle. "Lovelight, I can stay!" I said excitedly. She just giggled and rubbed her nose against mine.
Foster watched for a few moments as she lowered her book onto the desk. "I do wish to speak to Lovelight about some things in private."
Lovelight slowly lowered me to the couch. "Oh, of course."
Haze nudged me with his hoof: "Wanna go learn a little bit of magic?"
My eyes lit up in wonder as Haze made for the hallway. I quickly jumped down and ran after him. Lovelight called from behind us, "Honey, be careful; he’s brand new with magic."
Haze chuckled. "I will!"
Lovelight was still coming down from the growing panic she felt as she talked to Foster. She knew she was attached, but even she was surprised by her intense feeling of relief at being allowed to keep him. If only for a small amount of time.
She continued to wait for her heartbeat to slow as the two kirins left into the back garden. Foster chuckled a bit. "Sorry, Lovelight, I wasn’t trying to give you a heart attack, dear."
Lovelight breathed one more sigh and said, "It’s okay. I didn’t expect that I’d feel this way either."
Foster hummed pleasantly, "I understand; he practically clung to you like a newborn. I don’t blame you for the instinctual panic." Lovelight nodded with a smile.
Foster cleared her throat. "What I really wanted to talk about is a bit more serious, though."
Lovelight leaned forward. "Is this about what he said about his… ‘Master’?"
Foster rubbed a hoof under her chin, "It does involve that, yes. But I was going to suggest a therapist for the little one."
Lovelight widened her eyes. "You don’t think that’ll scare him?"
"It may scare him slightly, but with how he felt so openly talking while you were there… I think he’d be alright." Foster spoke confidently. "If the little one felt safe speaking about all of that, just because he could hold your hoof, then I’m sure we’d be able to help him."
Lovelight hummed worriedly: "He is very sweet, and he is actually rather open about things if you ask the right question… The problem is that he doesn’t like bothering others with things. So if I can’t guess exactly what’s bothering him, he stays quiet."
Foster nodded in understanding, "That’s exactly the sort of thing a therapist would help with a ton. He’ll learn that opening up with those who care for him is healthy and that he won’t be reprimanded or hurt when he says things."
Lovelight grimaced, "I don’t want to make him relive those memories," she said, her lips quivering for a moment. "I feel like my heart is being torn in two everytime he recalls things that he wasn’t given, or things he doesn’t understand but should. Like the time when he said I was his first ever friend and that he wasn’t allowed to make any before me."
Foster gazed sympathetically, "I won’t lie, speaking with the therapist will more than likely unearth far worse things. If the surface level of his abuse is as drastic as he speaks about it, I can only imagine what else happened."
Lovelight choked a bit as she teared up. "I just want him to be happy."
Foster smiled, "And getting him to open up is the first step towards healing. He may end up getting a lot sadder or feeling awful after sessions, but he needs to speak about them if you ever want to help him feel better. Plus, having somebody he loves as much as you around will help immensely."
"Okay… Just please make sure the therapist knows what they’re doing." Lovelight said worriedly.
Foster smiled with a dismissive wave, "Oh, don’t worry about that. I have the perfect one in mind. He’s great with foals and specializes in long-term abuse victims." Foster wrote a few things down on her paper and handed it to Lovelight, who looked at it curiously. "That’ll be his therapy schedule. He’ll come to your house; it’ll be a thirty minute open therapy, then a thirty-minute solo therapy."
"Wait, he’ll be by himself for thirty minutes?" Lovelight asked with intense worry.
Foster nodded. "Don’t worry, he knows what he’s doing. And if Mellow ends up uncomfortable, you’ll always be able to join."
Lovelight nodded slowly as she looked at the schedule—two weekly visits separated by a few days. She looked back up in curiosity and asked, "How’d you get a schedule and everything?"
Foster laughed, "I called and requested his services already before arriving today."
Lovelight raised her brows. "So you knew Mellow would be staying with us and knew that I’d say yes to putting him in therapy before you even got here?"
Foster nodded. "I’ve been doing this job for a long time. Also, I could always have just canceled on him if I was incorrect." Foster stood up and began gathering her things. "I think that covers everything today." She said professionally.
"Of course," Lovelight stood up, leading her out, "thank you so much, Miss Foster."
Foster smiled as she stopped at the doorway, "It’s my pleasure. I actually like seeing happy endings, not following rules, and causing more abuse. Unlike some people in my line of work."
Lovelight nodded. "Well, I can’t understate how much I appreciate you for bending the rules to keep Mellow happy."
Foster opened the door and gave a final nod. "Just be a good mother for Mellow. I have faith in you after today." She gave one last smile before she walked out the door.
Lovelight shut the door gently and sat on her flank before releasing a long sigh, which slowly turned into a small squeal of happiness. ‘I get to keep him!’ She hummed in her mind with a feeling of euphoria. She thought selfishly for a moment that if the princesses really were missing, she’d get to keep him longer. She knew it was wrong, but she almost wished they’d stay gone for as long as possible.
Lovelight slowly held the paper up, checking the date. ‘Tomorrow’s the first meeting?’ She thought surprisingly. Then she smiled and shook her head. He’d be just fine with her there to help him.
"What do you know about magic, Mellow?" Haze asked curiously as he juggled three rocks in a circle above his head.
I put a hoof below my chin, "Um… I know that the magic comes from deep inside of me, and I have to let it out, and it flows up my horn."
He hummed, "Yes, that is a pretty good description of active unicorn magic." He cleared his throat. "Passive magic is what most ponies have. Your hoof being able to grip things, the earth pony’s strength, the pegasus ability to make contact with clouds. But what do unicorns get?"
I tilted my head. "Um… they get… the ability to levitate things?"
He nodded with a large smile. "Very good! A unicorn’s ability to levitate or interact with objects from a distance is their passive magic. Which includes us, because kirin’s are just unicorns with a few extra quirks."
My nose scrunched up in confusion. "What makes it different from a unicorn’s active magic, though?"
He hummed, "Levitation is simply like using a completely new muscle. Active magic would be like casting a spell. For instance, if I was trying to turn these rocks into frogs or something." He cast a small spell that turned one into a frog, and it jumped a few times before poofing back into a rock.
"Casting spells is far more complicated and consists of learning the very intricate pieces of magic. Such as connecting leylines, imagining specific sigils, and a bunch of really tough stuff. But that’s not what you’ll be working on today."
Some of those were things I already did as a human. I make sigils in my mind, imagining complicated spells. But levitation sounded cooler: "So… how do you passively levitate something?" I asked with confusion.
He smiled, "I want you to look at this rock right here."
I stared intensely at the rock with every fiber of my being. "I want you to close your eyes for a moment. With your eyes closed, I want you to imagine the rock in your head and imagine yourself picking it up." I followed his instructions to the best of my ability; it was certainly an interesting magic theory for this world. It was sort of like how I learned water magic: by closing my eyes when near water and imagining the water crashing against the side of rocks.
"O-Okay, is it working?" I asked curiously.
He hummed, "Concentrate. I want you to imagine that rock being weightless. When you pick it up in your mind, imagine that it feels no different than having a hoof full of air."
The instructions were rather easy. Pick up a rock that looked to be there but, by all other laws of physics, wasn’t.
"Alright, now this is the tough part, Mellow. I want you to open your eyes while still imagining the same thing."
"Okay," I slowly opened my eyes, keeping my thoughts on a floating, weightless rock being held in my hoof.
"Without opening your magic reserves, I want you to flex the muscles in your horn."
Wait, I can do that? I had to think back to the first time I used magic. I remember there being a very distinct feeling up there on my head. ‘Oh! It was like following leylines!’ I thought eagerly. I followed the leyline up from my magic reserves deep inside and up to my horn, and I could feel the horn almost like its own appendage.
My horn began to glow, and a thin, wispy blue magic slowly snaked out of my horn and enveloped the rock in front of me.
Haze nodded with a small clap, "Good! Now, tell the rock to move."
"O-Okay… Move, rock!" I said with determination, but the rock only looked at me in mockery.
Haze chuckled with a wide smile, "No, silly, I meant in your head. Just like you were imagining it."
"Oh! I said with a sheepish grin as I imagined lifting something that was weightless.
Without missing a beat, the rock gave way to all limitations and lifted itself into the air at eye level. Haze’s eyes widened, and his jaw nearly fell to the floor. "G-Good job!" He said genuinely with a small laugh. "Though usually that would take a good few weeks of practicing… I guess you are an alicorn!"
I laughed as I twirled the rock in a circle in front of me, and then I began to grow curious as I looked down at the three rocks he’d been juggling. I imagined myself picking up two more rocks, and sure enough, my magic instantly shot out and brought them into the levitation field. I giggled wildly as I played with them. This was sort of similar to water, but I could do it with physical things!
I got a bit curious and began throwing the rocks a few feet away. It was easy enough; I only needed to stop imagining myself holding one. I looked over at Haze, "Haze, I’m doing it!"
His pale face slowly turned into a proud smile as he puffed his chest out. "Of course you did, buddy! You’re a natural." He praised me.
I kept juggling the one rock in my magic, and I suddenly felt curious about what would happen if I tried to imagine an old spell from my world on the rock in front of me. So I closed my eyes and carefully remembered it before just barely opening my magic reserves.
Nearly instantly, the rock in front of me seemed to disappear with a pop, and I looked all around me in wonder. Had I just used teleportation magic? What was that? I turned back around to look at Haze and asked, "Where’d it go?" I asked curiously.
Haze’s confused face was replaced with horror for only a single moment. I tilted my head at him as he ran forward and shot his hooves out, grabbing me as fast as possible and jumping backwards. I turned around myself just in time to see why, as a boulder three times the size of Haze crashed right in the spot I’d just been.
Haze breathed a large sigh of relief as my magic unattached from the rock and I lost my concentration. He slowly placed me back on the ground as he held a hoof to his chest, taking deep breaths. "I-I’m sorry." I said as I shrank against the ground.
He shook his head and reached a hoof down to rub my head. "No, no. It’s okay, Mellow. I’m just glad I moved you in time."
I looked back at the rock; if he’d been a second late, it probably would’ve turned me into fertilizer in an instant. I rubbed the back of my neck nervously, "I got a little carried away."
Haze smirked and nuzzled me, "Your life flashed before my eyes!" He said with a chuckle.
"That’s not how that works!" I protested with a small giggle.
He whispered to me, "Let’s keep this between us, hmm?"
The door suddenly opened behind us as Lovelight stepped out. "What was that sound?" Her eyes landed on the super-large boulder, and she went slack-jawed.
I stepped to the left and pointed my hoof at Haze, "He did it!"
He looked down at me with his mouth agape and a look of betrayal. "I didn’t- I mean… yeah! My bad."
Lovelight rolled her eyes. "I told you both to be careful." She walked over and picked me up in her hooves, "You didn’t get hurt, did you?" I shook my head, and she breathed a sigh of relief.
I heard a loud whistle as a heavily accented voice hit my ears: "Well, that might well be the largest rock I ever seen."
All of us looked over to see an interesting sight: an orange pony with braided blond hair, green eyes, a cowboy hat, and apples for her cutie mark. And behind her was Fluttershy, nearly cowering behind the pony she’d come with.
Lovelight gripped me tighter, and Haze stepped in front of us a bit. Haze cleared his throat. "I don’t believe we’ve met."
Applejack took her hat off and did a small head nod. "My name’s Applejack; pleasure to meet ya, I live an’ work over on Sweet Apple Acres. And this here is Fluttershy."
Lovelight chimed in, "I know who you are. What do I owe the… pleasure?" Lovelight's words were a bit forced.
Applejack sighed and looked back at Fluttershy. Before practically forcing her in front. "I understand we ain’t exactly your favorite ponies right now. But Fluttershy wanted to say a few things."
Fluttershy was nervous and hiding in her mane, and when she looked at me, I could tell every little bit of guilt flooded through her. I tapped Lovelight and gestured to the ground, and she begrudgingly obliged.
I carefully took a few steps forward. "Fluttershy."
Her eyes widened, and she released an ‘eep’ which threw me off guard, but I continued approaching. I stopped right before her. "Fluttershy," I said sadly, "we’re still friends, right?" I asked curiously.
"Because I’ve only ever made… one friend before, and I’d be really sad if I lost you as a friend because-"
She shot her hooves out and brought me into a deep hug against her fluffy chest fur again. I smiled happily and wrapped my hooves around her neck. She nuzzled the back of my head as tears came out of her eyes, "Of course we’re still friends, Mellow. I’m so, so, sorry about what happened! I didn’t know what to do… and I-I-"
I hugged her tighter, "It’s okay; it’s not your fault. It was the ponies in the park that upset me."
She shook her head, "Still, I should’ve been able to be there for you. And I wasn’t a very good friend that day."
I felt a few tears in my own eyes. "You’d make a really great mom, Fluttershy."
She petted the top of my head as she held me tighter, "And you’re a really great colt. But it looks like you already found a home."
I looked back at Haze and Lovelight, who were watching with large smiles. I could even see a few tears in Lovelight’s eyes. I turned back around to meet Fluttershy’s gaze and whispered in her ear, "Lovelight’s really cool! And I love her a whole lot."
Fluttershy giggled and nuzzled me again. "That’s wonderful, Mellow." She finally released me from the hug, and I looked over at the Applejack pony. Who was watching with pride for her friend, I held my hoof up at her, "Hi, want to be friends? My name is Mellow Spark."
Applejack laughed heartily, "Well, aren’t you a little gentlecolt? I think we’d make mighty fine friends, I do." She grabbed my hoof gently and shook it, and afterwards she took her hat off and stuck it on me. But I’m pretty sure I could hide in that thing; it was so much bigger than me.
"That makes three friends!" I announced happily.
Haze walked over and pulled that hat off of me with a chuckle, then raised a brow at me and said, "What, am I not good enough to be number three?"
I tilted my head and hummed as I looked between him and Lovelight. "We’re friends. But you guys are more like…" Lovelight and Haze looked at me in anticipation. But I just smiled as a memory flashed in my mind before I shook my head, "Nothing."
I smirked up at Haze, "You can be number three, but you and Applejack might have to argue who gets to be number four!"
Applejack looked up with a smirk of her own, "I do like comin’ in third place when possible."
Haze chuckled, "I don’t think I could take you on. But I could definitely do with making some new dishes out of your family’s famous apples."
Applejack nodded. "Well, why haven’t ya ever just said so? We have plenty of em-"
I zoned out of the proceeding conversation as I stared past Applejack and Fluttershy. For a single moment, I thought I caught sight of a dark cloak passing between two buildings farther away, but I wasn’t completely sure. I felt like somebody was watching us, but I didn’t think anything of it. I briefly wondered if there was some merit to those instincts, but as quickly as they appeared, they left again.
Lovelight picked me up out of nowhere and said, "Who else is hungry? Because I am." Lovelight said, giving me a small kiss on the forehead.
Haze nodded. "I’ll make something special!"
Lovelight turned to Applejack and Fluttershy. "And would you like to join us?"
The two mares looked at each other before nodding at Lovelight. Applejack hummed happily, "Sure thing, I always love trying somethin’ other than apples now an’ again."
"I’d be delighted! If you don’t mind." Fluttershy said quietly.
We all retreated into the house with large smiles. But as I looked over Lovelight’s shoulder into the trees, the last thing I saw was two cloaks sitting in the shadows of a tree in the distance. Watching me. Patiently. It felt much like the grim reaper himself—no rush, just watching the time of its victim slowly tick away.
Until nothing was left but ashes.
Great chapter
Hey! I just found this story today, it’s cool to see update as well. I have to say Haze is my favorite character so far, he seems so chill and just like a genuinely cool guy.
Well Luna would probably insist that he stays where he is considering she thought that twilight wasn't ready for the responsibility of a child especially one so emotionally damaged. Celestia I'm not sure considering it was her bad idea that put him with twilight in the first place. She should had twilight in charge of tutoring him but not housing him. That should have been decided by social services who probably would have gone with lovelight considering her kirin husband and her bond with mellow.
Though I hope the social worker chews out twilight.
Well, that ending was thoroughly ominous. Pretty solid chapter. I'm having a hard time connecting with Mellow though. He just got his wits scared out of him by Discord, had a brief scare with Foster thinking she might take him away, almost got crushed by a boulder...but he seemed very eager to make up with Fluttershy and make friends with AJ. Seems like after all he's been through he would be a bit more shy. A bit more reluctant to put himself out there, so to speak.
Mellow Magic. Haze magic is what gives All Creatures their power Edgefield created by all living thing it surrounds us it penetrates us binds the world together.
Another great chapter! And such a heartwarming one too. Nice to see Lovelight and Haze stepping into the role of Mellow’s parents, even if our boy isnt quite ready to call them as such.
All according to plan. In all seriousness, this is probably the best thing for Mellow at this point. My only question is, is this going to be a canon character or another OC? I don't have strong feelings one way or another, in my eyes you've proven that you know how to make and use OCs better than many I've seen. Not sure why I thought of Sunburst there, probably a holdover from Libero.
Well, they're all in for a surprise. I wonder how long it'll be before be spills his secret of being a human from another world?
This doesn't flow quite right to me. I'd suggest changing "because" to "Even though" and replacing that first period with a comma. Like so:
Just a suggestion, feel free to take it or leave it.
I liked the magic lesson as well, and the artwork is as wonderfully welcome as always. Poor Haze, having Mellow's life flash before his eyes like that. Maybe now he realizes why the kid is so messed up. I kid, of course.
Ah so close! We'll get it next time, I hope.
Yeah, in the vein of other comments Mellow seems to have bounced back quickly from the scares he experienced this morning but children are resilient, not matter the species, so that doesn't bother me too much. Or at all.
He was also a bit too eager to forgive Fluttershy in my estimation, and was a bit too eager to get to know Applejack as well. Though it's possible he doesn't know she is connected with Twilight. That's 5 out of 6, here's hoping he meets Rarity soon!
Ominous ending as well, though that helps to maintain the tension.
Keep up the good work, and as always, I look forward to the next installment.
I wonder what Discord meant about other people that Mallow needs to watch out for? Are there other gods and goddesses in the MLP world that might see the little colt as a threat?
I wonder about those two cloak ponies… are they from the Master? Since the beginning of the story wasn’t the Master facing someone really powerful and whatever happened to both of them. Glad that Haze the Kirin won the voting! Lovelight is going to be a good mother which I hope Fluttershy finds another kid who is cage by the Master so she can be a mama too
There are a few problems I have with the story. Mellow was a young mage before becoming a Kirin alicorn. Why does he barely know anything about magic, but somehow know a polymorph spell? It would have made more sense to axe the whole mage think that he's not already somewhat competent and exploring his new abilities. So far this has just been annoying pity.
I don't think his family or life before the change has been brought up much and it's too late to start now. It just makes sense. Throw a kid in a wild and scary situation and at some point they cry out for help from the mother/parent/guardian.
He's acting like he has no clue about magic when he should and he should have better control. I understand that he's a child but he's also been trained. He should at least not have massive meltdowns happening constantly.
He feels pretty overpowered. Not necessarily a problem, but so far it doesn't make sense why. He's a kirin alicorn but Twilight is struggling with him. Makes no sense. Unfocused raw power vs refined controlled power. Even if Twilight can't match up 1 to one (very unlikely). She should be capable of doing more with less.
Not to mention the fact that princess celestia decided to put Twilight and Fluttershy as Mellow's guardians. Make zero sense. Before becoming princess friendship she couldn't function socially. Fluttershy can take care of animals, not people.
Would have been a better idea to send him to applejacks with Twilight overseeing mellows stay there. It's out of the way, apples are quite honest and I feel that he would be more at ease having someone his age, a quiet male figure and a granny around.
This story doesn't seem to fit the rating. I came in expecting something different and if I had to rate it. It should be E for everyone. Abise so far is the only thing I could think that might shift it to a T, but it's not T material. The only reason I could think of for you not making it an E is because the story wouldn't do as well.
Speaking of my opinion, the only thing this fic had going for it was the oc-kirin alicorn. You then ruined it. Your writing itself isn't bad (better than mine when I tried my hand at it) but your plot sucks. It makes no sense at times especially when u realise that the ponies have been doing this sorta stuff for a few seasons and should know not to let the dangerous fire-creating, emotional bomb out of their sight.
So far this is abuse and feel sorry for the main character fic. It's so cliche that people could see what's coming from a mile away if the put any thought into it. Twilight doesn't really care about the kirin, therefore something big happens and kirin turns on twilight. Nurse really cares for Mellow, but is taken on orders from the higherups away. After big thing happens she takes him back anyway. With little to any backlash. It was so cliche that the nurse was with a kirin even you had to retcon it.
Pinkie and Applejack, with Twilight for magical assistance looking after Mellow would have been much more interesting. Plus makes more sense than sticking the alicorn in the centre of town. I'm trying to at least give some way you could have worked around it. But it's just my opinion.
I'm always happy to see a story update.
I love the happy feels.
Hopefully I the plot doesn't rob me of them to badly.
11593493
I'm always open to criticism. And there's even a few things you say I understand the complaints of. But when you just blatantly insult me and then also make terrible arguments, I lose a little patience. So you know what? I'll fall for the bait just this once.
How much are you expecting? Because I think I've brought it up plenty of times. This is an MLP fanfiction, I'm going to focus on the MLP universe more.
You contradicted yourself in the paragraph directly after your issue. He has no clue about magic because it literally works completely differently, and he even says this in an earlier chapter. He's too overpowered, even though he barely knows how magic works in a new world? Umm.... okay.
So, you want Mellow to know how to do magic already. But you want him not to be overpowered, even though he's an alicorn. You also don't want him to HAVE A MELTDOWN even though he just awakened his magic which is notoriously hard to control for alicorns. Pick an argument here; you're all over the place with your thoughts.
Okay? I thought that was the point? Celestia put him with Twilight which was a mistake. It's a literal plot point. Did you even read my story man? I'm sure Applejack would've been a great choice! Too bad that isn't who Celestia chose, right?
This cannot be an E rated story, I literally followed the site's own rating system. If I had put posted this as an E rated story, I'd risk being removed or suspended. And the fact that you're so arrogant to think I'm making it T rated for clout or some shit is INSANE.
Speaking of my opinion, your arguments are completely terrible. And the tone you've chosen to take with your criticism is hardly criticism at all, it's blatantly insulting.
Oh, great prophet! Please tell me what is going to happen next in my story! What are these dark and mysterious hooded figures? How are Luna and Celestia trapped in space and time? Surely, since you've seen every plot point from a mile away, you can answer my question, yes? I don't even want to comment on Haze again. He was planned to be a kirin before chapter 1 even released; I messed up and didn't mention him earlier. What's done is done.
From what I can gather from this comment, you were hoping for this to be some extremely dark fantasy story with a central plotline around how awful his previous life was. You keep saying you hate the pity, that it's annoying pity. I'm more just baffled you got all the way to chapter 13 while thinking the story would change into whatever fantasy you had about it? Of course the abused character is going to get pity, he's a broken child with an even more broken set of morals and thought process. You act like every character in this story is black and white morally, they arent. There are grey areas, other characters have there own thought process.
I guess I'm just trying to figure out what the point of your comment was. You realized you didn't like the story all of a sudden? You don't like the direction I took with this particular prompt? Because it definitely wasn't to provide constructive or helpful criticism. More than half of what you said is either wrong, completely irrelevant, or a personal opinion that you're treating objectively. Please think about what you write before posting it. You can't call me a shit writer while also failing to provide any reasoning. If you need a frame of reference for what helpful criticism on this story in particular looks like, then read a Ralanost comment. That's what actual helpful criticism is.
11593531
One he been trained for a different world magic with different rules for it.
Ps you can block people from commenting as the author.
11570198
If water can kill the kid then why do they keep giving him baths?
11593798
If a Kirkin is in its Nerik form, getting drenched in a cold liquid, would have the similar affect to dropping someone into freezing water, causing neurological shock and with magic cutting off magic Leylines
11593798
If he is in Nirik form, water can kill him. He is not in Nirik form, ergo, taking a bath will not hurt him.
And if he is in Nirik form? Simply don't put him in water or snow.
11593531
Ok so, first thing. Wow the reply, just saw it. I'm genuinely impressed. To be honest when writing it i fully expected you to not even dignify that crap with a reply.
Honestly props. I wrote that mostly to confirm a few things about the story. And while I did basically insult your writing. I did not personally insult you cause against the rules. The worst part of comment that was directed at you was saying that the plot sucked to be honest.
I mean the fact that all the points could be easily argued or refuted by a person that read a bit of the story. I thought you'd just block it. Or give me a reply to just, you know, read a book. I mean i honestly had to word check it and stuff before replying just so it doesn't look like it was some bizzare drunken post.
Honestly though some thinks i want to clarify and stuff so hang with me. I do think that on paper, the plot of this story does suck. I mean it's cliche and kinda predictable. But after the first few chapters the story kinda picks up. I wanted to confirm his age (which i could now say puts him about 12-14 ish for a human). I had a different age in mind. Though then i though about pony ages and i git somoletely lost. Because he's a foal and i would assume he would be 6-8 ish in his pony body. But again alicorn so i don't know if that factors in.
The reason why he doesn't want to think about going back as soon as possible is stated in a chapter. In hindsight I should have put "the plot" instead of "your plot" as it made it specific to you. Really tried to generalise.
He only likes his master and that would be one if not the main reason to go back. His magic there cause so much torment and guilt it's not a surprise. I thought u'd go with skmething like this. You said that it's a mlp story therefore you want to focus on the mlp part more. Tells me you don't intend for mellow to find a way back any time soon. So it's not gonna be him somehow discovering the mechanics ofgetting to back in some illconcieved way (Could be done by someone else though it's unlikely as). Even if it is possible, the chances are kinda 1 in infinity.
Second part about op and magic. I wanted to know more about the magic system. Many fics have magic systems that seem to seamlessly fit into mlp from other worlds and stuff. He's show to have a powerful healing magic/curse. Mlp doesn't really deal in curses that much so it was interesting.
He's magically gifted as a human. Extremely so that a master would take him on even with the little training he has. In mlp where everyone has high concentrations of magic it would lead to him being a suoercharged being. If he wasn't a kirin alicorn but a regulat kirin, he would be even more dangerous and unstable. Like a paper mache flamethrower.
Also he awakened magic before though as a human right. Was it triggered by a traumatic event. Hoping you'd give more away. Also he specialised in water magic. But then in mlp world he became something that embodies fire. Really curious with what that's all about. Though I would think that the basic training exercises he would have learned if not recieved from someone would be helpful at better controlling his magic. (I assumes he was 8 but it seems like 12-14 fits him better). Like how some thinks in a ki/chi manga could be used in a magic/mana based manga. You know how the nurse says to feel the flow fo magic and stuff in the more recent chapters. Seems kinda obvious in hindsight, but so does everything. But Mellow was stressing about is magic so he might have though about all the magic lessions and advice peoole ahd given him.
Third part was the easiest to put down ngl. Surprised you didn't state the obvious. Which sounds better to house Mellow. A secure, magically resistant castle made of crystal, whose 2 sole residence are a dragon (fire resistant if not immume) and an alicorn of magic. Or a wooden rickedy and probablu dried out ranch house surrounded by a large orchid with 4 non fire resistant ponies whose only escape path in an emergency requires linear ground based movements. No brainer.
You said the celestia put mellow with twilight which was a mistake. Nope she was one hundred percent right (I had a problem with this as your story was kinda suggesting or implying this). I mean what you just read backs it up. Given all the resources available Twilight was her best bet. She even knew that she might mess up and she's not a ponies much less a foals pony. Therefore got Fluttershy involves.
Involving applejack, she would have no clue what was going on and Pinkie could have just causes a meldown within the first meeting. She could only ask the main 6l for assistance and asking or gettong civillians to get involved in this mess would be insane. It probably would have been great of she could have gotten someone (the nurse who cared for mellow) to move into the castle near him. Plenty of room.
Did want to see if you'd adress the whole nurse taking Mellow away thing. Because that was plain dangerous. And i don't think she would get off lightly.
The whole E rating thing was to piss you off tbh. I know how the rating system works and this story fits the rating. Of course the arguement was terrible, it was crafted to piss anyone who read it off because of the sheer amount of ignorance.
Didn't know they were stuck in space and time tbh. I mean twilight recieved a letter from them. How does the day and night cycle work. This opens a whole can of worms. Why can't the alicorn sisters just fly away from the train. I mean the subtle use of time magic isn't explored and now i got soemthing to look forward to. I'm guessing the space magic fills in any gaps or fault the time magic has and vice versa. Otherwise you would have said space-time magic rather than soace and time magic. Seperate spells working in tandem?
Haze thing i just wanted to see how you'd react if someone threw this in. You already explained it in the author's note at the chapter end. Big probs. I wanted to confirm or at least narrow down when this fic was taking place.
I knew exacly what type of story it was gonna be from the description and tags. I read a really long E rated story and it's starting to drop of but I'm still reading it because in for a oenny, in for a pound. Of this fic was what you though i thought it was gonna be. M rating with a dark tag and probably another tag thrown in for mentioning the whole topic of serious abuse and stuff.
Plus the cover image illustrates there's going to be pity.
I don't think I actually said you were a shit writer. The plot on paper seems like it would suck (it has before), but you actually put in a lot of effort to make it seem like it doesn't. The reason i read 13 chapters in is cause it's a decent recent story that's not an si or person from earth that watched or heard of the show. The comment I wrote wasn't realky meant to help you, but it was helpful to me. Got a way better understanding of the author and his midset about the story. You really didn't try to call me stupid or an idiot, just imply it. One of the better reactions
11593931
Even fluttershy can't stop twilight from losing it and when she does she always does something she will regret later. It would take all her friends just to keep things calm when she starts to lose it and and stop her from doing something she will regret. Celestia forgot about twilight history of anxiety issues and how when she gets upset she does something she regrets later. Want it need it. The wedding wasn't handled great by either side. Discord just had to push her buttons enough and she lost it and almost ran away. Nightmare moon she tried to fight her by herself. The storm king she tried to steal something that wasn't hers and ended hurting her friends feelings. The cmcs despite having no evidence whatsoever she accused them of trying to make someone fail on purpose and kick them off the property forever.
11593956
The problem isn't twilight starting to lose it.
I mean Fluttershy managed to snap Twlight out of it when they first met (she would ahve learnt something there) and I wouldn't put it past Fluttershy to take charge for a while if Mellows feeling terrible then become meek again once it's done. I don't think Kirins had been introduced yet. Prior to season 8 there was no mentiom of them. (Mostly due to the writers wanting to expand and came up with a new race and explore).
So them doing research om a dragom pony hybrid and learning of kirins makes sense. Not so much them being in ponyville or equestria. (Already went through this, i believe the poll results suggested that haze is gonna stay a kirin so i have no idea. Maybe a kirin disguse spell or artifact? Could be a big reveal? Gonna check the most recent chapter again if I'm wrong. Edit: Haze is a kirin, maybe an interlude chapter or something to give some context behind this. Officially and Alternatuve Universe where kirins were introduced earlier at some point in season 7?).
I'll give you this, near the beginning i believe that it would have taken all her friends to calm down, but i don't see that happening in the later seasons. If it does it would really be on the writers because she's been through so much.
Celestia isn't just relying of Twilight, but also Fluttershy. There aren't any bad guys for Twilight to face and if she does go a bit out of control Fluttershy can rely of Discord or the Stare to sort things out. She learn her lession from the CMC accusation.
Celestia was out of options and the only other person that could handle a kirin alicorn would be Discord. Now if that isn't a bad idea, i don't know what is
11593982
Yeah even fluttershy is supposed to help you know twilight won't easily ask for help. Twilight is a leader who doesn't do good with asking for help and you think she try to find something out about the species but she didn't and she ended being very hurtful towards him and damaging the trust between them. As for out of options she chose the same person she always does when trouble comes knocking. Even the social worker didn't think it was a good idea but because Celestia order it she had no choice at the time. Luna even told her sister that she didn't think it was a good idea but Celestia was sure twilight would rise to the challenge. And all fluttershy did was stop a fight over who was in charge of him.
Interesting, so is the train displaced or just looped locally? That it didn't (apparently) interrupt Luna's dreamwalk session might be a critical clue to escaping. Very concerning that the princesses had to fall back to core observation instead of sensing such a high powered trap.
A bit late to the party, but I am suddenly reminded of the quote from Firefly.
"Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal."
11593931
Your reading comprehension is abysmal.
Melow's age has been mentioned multiple times and confirmed by a doctor. He is ~8 years old, specifically a late 8 year old, so probably over 8.5 but not 9.
Melow already figured out why his magic isn't working the same. The leylines in his Kirin body, which are used to cast magic, are very different from his original human body. So the techniques used to cast magic either don't work or do unexpected things. Like that boulder.
He was abnormally powerful as a human mage, presumably that is why he is an alicorn in pony world. Now, why he is a kirin we don't know. Maybe his human form had some dragon in their blood/dna? No idea.
As for the water magic, this chapter taught us that he had to learn water magic. Healing is a natural power of his magic, but the water element presumably isn't. It has been hinted that the healing power did carry over. Twice now when he went nirik his body healed injuries very quickly. So his flames have the power to heal, he just needs to learn to not burn things with them at the same time.
Celestia already tried flying away from the train. She just ended up back at the tracks no matter which way she flew. When she got off the train and was left behind, the train passed her by again 2 hours later. Which means they are trapped in a very large, possibly 200+ mile, spatial loop. We don't yet know if time is passing at the same rate for them as those outside the loop.
You do bring up an interesting question about the day/night cycle. Maybe Discord, Cadence or Teilight is maintaining it?
11596263
If i recall correctly, in an earlier chapter it was mentioned that Celestia and Luna were still maintaining the cycle, as they were unsure if doing that affected the rest of Equestria, implying that they were still at least trying to move the sun and moon.
11596555
Chapter 12, I missed that detail. Thanks for catching that!
I can't believe that it's 1 AM! How did I not notice this! I started reading at 11!
sidenote:
I FUCKING LOVE hurt comfort fics
I WANT TO FUCKING have my heart emotionally touched in a way that makes me want to smile and cry at the same time
Fantastic work on this fic as a whole! I just stumbled upon it today and as you can see by the first line of my comment I was immediately hooked. I just couldn't stop reading this fic, it's SO GOOD! I love the characters, the mystery, the drama, the slice of life bits, everything about this fic really is just a joy to read! Great work on the chapter, this fic will definitely be living rent free in my head for the next however many days till the next update, keep it up!
oh my gosh the look on there fase's in that picture
Among other things, depending on the unicorn.
i.redd.it/aw2y9iekse971.png
The boulder part was funny and I loved the iterations between everyone there. And the art
But those cloaked figures at the end are worrying
Now he can control Magic, maybe he can stand a chance with the future captors
It's not like i don't want to see Zero being Kidnaped or anything