Pranking Turns into a Romantic Way

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie began pranking all the ponies in Ponyville. After a while, their pranks turned into something else.

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Comments ( 7 )

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Huk

Huk #1 · Dec 12th, 2022 · · ·

... do you want an honest opinion or a sugarcoated one ?

Diawesome

Diawesome #2 · Dec 13th, 2022 · · ·

11447908
Honest, l hope is not bad.

RainbowDashieTHEBEST

RainbowDashieTHEBEST #3 · Dec 13th, 2022 · 1 · ·

It's not a bad story plot, but it's kinda maybe rushed or unrealistic to me. It seems to forced basically.

Diawesome

Diawesome #4 · Dec 13th, 2022 · · ·

11448273
l tell is old story.

Huk

Huk #5 · Dec 13th, 2022 · · ·

11448046

OK, then... I just hope this comment won't 'magically' disappear

So, honestly... this was not great. The premise is fine, but the execution... could be better though:

From a technical POV:
1. A story written in the present tense ? OK, it's technically not forbidden to use, but you usually write in the past tense. Also, here and there, you seem to use present tense when the past is clearly needed, for example:

In the meantime, Rainbow Dash flies to The Joke Shop, and soon she sees Pinkie Pie. She flies down to the ground and Pinkie notices her. She has a happy face. ''Dashie! You come!''

I'm pretty sure it should have been, "Dashie! You came!"

2. Lots of repetitions when the character repeats something after the narrator. While it's not 'forbidden,' it usually sounds bizarre, for example:

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie have so much fun together , Rainbow flying and Pinkie jumping around. ''Oh Rainbow Dash! l have so much fun with you!'' [...]

From a storytelling POV... It's a very simplistic setting that tells us what happens but doesn't show much on the way. Sure, there are some nervous giggles and hugs, but the jump from that to 'I love you!'/'I love you too!' feels rushed and unconvincing.

The bottom line is... this story could probably use another 2000 words or more and some editing. And yeah, I get that it's an oldie, but that's even more of a reason to fix it before posting it .

Diawesome