Lesson Seven: Don't Believe Everything You Read
Monday morning was shaping up to be a rather unique and, well, joyous experience. You see, while my own school days were rather typical of an earth pony (silence, you), there were a few events I had been barred from early and often. I wasn’t allowed near Homecoming after the first one, I only ever got to attend my junior prom, and let’s just say the school security who usually guarded sporting events knew me from a mile away.
So it was to quite a few confused and concerned faces that I burst through the front door of the school with a bright smile, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, trailing behind me a large cart making an assortment of noises as it rolled. I was not surprised, of course, to be stopped less than a hallway in by both Twilight Sparkle and Starlight Glimmer.
“Schadenfreude, what in the Tartarus are you doing?” Twilight demanded.
“Well, Miss Sparkle, I am taking an active, avid, and enthusiastic interest in the education system!”
Starlight shuddered. “That might be the scariest thing I’ve ever heard you say.”
“I can fix that,” I said through a wide grin.
“DON’T.” They both exclaimed. I could hear the period at the end of the sentence.
“I mean, what’s in the cart?” Twilight grumbled.
I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Some medals, a couple books, some weights, a few things that I don’t really understand what they do, but my students were very insistent they needed them. And don’t worry, I checked everything in the cart against the school’s contraband list. I’m very good at lists.”
I could see Twilight’s mouth twitch into an involuntary smile. Only for a second. Ah, microexpressions, will you ever stop being useful? “At least somepony reads the list,” Twilight said with a huff. A couple of foals trotting by flinched at the side-eye their school founder was giving them. “So why do you need all of this? You said your students needed this stuff?”
“Oh yes. You see, I was very careful about reading the rules for our special event today. Any personal items, supplies needed to demonstrate a special skill, or outside books must be either provided by or accompanied by an instructor. And yes, I did read the special provision for substitute teachers. I had Pinkie Pie go over the list yesterday afternoon. She was more than happy to, actually. Seems she misses teaching,” I added.
“And did you provide a written inventory for the headmare as documented in subsection-”
“-three point four dash e? You bet your Cutie Mark I did.” I dug into my jacket and hoffed over a folded piece of paper.
Which Twilight took all of ten seconds to find a problem with. “Ex-cuse me?! How is this not contraband?!”
“You tell me. You wrote the list.”
“Well, yes, I did, but… this should go without say… ing…” she trailed off. “I hate you so much.”
“If it’s not in writing it doesn’t count, Miss Sparkle!” I said cheerfully, and trotted my happy arse down the hall to my classroom, leaving two very frustrated heads of school glaring at a piece of paper.
“I hate Show and Tell day,” Starlight groaned.
----------------------
“-and this is the tail of the manticore we had for Dragonfest dinner last year!” Smolder said happily, waving the last of her ‘trophies’ in the air. The wide assortment of creature parts and charred whatevers were, apparently, the dragon equivalent of a photo album. They also took up the vast majority of the cart I’d been dragging around.
While the majority of the class looked, well, physically ill, Gallus was almost salivating at some of the displays. Having caught his expression in the corner of her eye, Smolder quickly bagged the lot and tied it off. I guess she still had a thing or two to learn about foreign diets.
--------------------------
“-and this last one is a photo of my tail!” exclaimed Silverstream, to a less than enthused class. I noticed a few of them had gone to sleep somewhere around the third wing photo, but Silver was far too enamored with showing off her photography hobby to her classmates to notice that, largely, they didn’t share her enthusiasm.
“Thank – *yawn* - thank you Silverstream. I hope next time you have more photos to show us, of more things.”
“Did… did you not like it?” she asked, a little quieter.
I felt a couple of girls from the class glaring daggers into me. Diplomacy mode, activate. “Of course I did. But the point of photography is to show off things creatures couldn’t normally see for themselves, or to preserve memories. It’s much more fun to see you for real than just a photo of you. For example, while that is a great tail photo, it doesn’t quite capture how swooshy your real tail is, does it?”
She looked at the photo, then at her tail. “I guess it doesn’t. Oh, I know! Next time I’ll take photos of my house! You guys haven’t seen my house!” she said gleefully, then took her seat. I gently put her camera back in the cart, and felt the daggers in my students eyes dull considerably.
--------------------------
“-and that is Yona’s favorite song on the yovidaphone!” the yak said proudly. Although I don’t think most of the class heard her.
“Well, thank you for that… energetic rendition of ‘That’s My House’, Yona. I also greatly appreciate you not doing the dance.
--------------------------
“So, Mr. Schadenfreude, what did you bring for Show and Tell day?” asked Ocellus.
I tried playing dumb for a moment. “Why, whatever do you mean?” It was near the start of last period, as Show and Tell day took place entirely in homeroom, for the duration of the day. One of the many reasons it was so popular: you didn’t have to attend regular classes. The noise notwithstanding, nor an explosion or two, it was one of the easier days at the school for teachers. No shuffling students around, changing lesson plans, no handing out homework. Just regular breaks, and back to watching kids show off. But that’s now why I was excited.
“Dude, there’s an entire crate in the corner of the room noone’s touched all day, nor seen before, and we’re all done with our SaT’s. No way you didn’t bring something outrageous to show off,” Gallus remarked snidely.
“That’s two, Gallus.”
“But I-”
“Was actively snoring during Silverstream’s presentation. Manners, young colt. You’d be surprised how much shenaniganerry you can achieve by being polite. Also, yes, I did bring a little something. Or, several. As you know, it is the teacher’s privilege to go last on Show and Tell day, and while they usually only have one or two things to share, you all finished your segments rather quickly. Although some of them were… well, cut short,” I raised an eyebrow at a particlarly singe-y unicorn in the back row wearing a rather familiar, yet smaller, cape and hat. Apparently Trixie had fans. “Now,” I grunted, pushing the crate to the front of the room. “I doubt we can get to everything in here in about forty-five minutes, but I largely brought this stuff with me to quell some of the questions you youngun’s have about my reputation.”
Sandbar rolled his eyes as I popped the lid off with a kick.. “Oh, like you have your Class 2 Archeomancer’s broach in… their…” he trailed off, as that was the first thing I pulled out of the box. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“This is the broach given to all Archeomencers, honorary or otherwise. Notice the Number of stars gilded on the bottom, marking a Class 2, and the cameo of my cutie mark in the center. That was a true story, Mr. Sandbar.”
“...there’s no way.”
I dug through the box and pulled out, one by one, some items proving some of my more unbelievable stories. “This is a letter of commendation from the Sphinx royal embassy for duties above and beyond saving the nation, and the rather… grown-up letter the Queen wrote me to go with it. No I am not reading it.”
The boys grumbled a little.
“This is a piece of Discord’s shed horn, which he gave me as a birthday gift a year ago. It doubles as a magic wand, and I am absolutely not demonstrating it,” I added, to the disappointment of many.
“This is a piece of wallpaper from my bedroom cut out and sewn into a magic scroll. It’s in enochian, and yes, I can read it. Do not spend an inordinate amount of time around Princess Luna while she is asleep, or book the hotel room next to hers.”
Most of the class flinched away from it.
“This is a bottle of Tartarus’s Bake hot sauce, one of the last ones before they were shut down by both Health and Safety and the International Safety and Security Commission, simultaneously. Also why I’m banned from Griffinstone. And the Griffin Embassy. DOWN GALLUS.”
“Aw man.”
“This is a Cease and Desist letter from the old Dragon Lord Torch telling me in no uncertain terms to stop sending him dragon post. And the one from Dragon Lord Ember.”
Smolder burst out laughing.
“This is a blue ribbon from the First and Last Annual Canterlot Drag Race. I did not win this, but I have it in my possession. Because it was shut down before I could, as the event organizer, give it to a winner.
“THAT WAS YOU?!”
“This is a photo of my marefriend, Derpy. Still one of my proudest accomplishments.”
There was some ‘awwws’ and some gags from assorted kids for that one.
“And THIS,” I said with a big grunt, hauling the last piece out of the bottom of the crate, “Is the Party Pandemicon 5000, the only working prototype of the only military-grade party cannon in all of Equestria. WHO WANTS TO GO FIRE IT AT A MOUNTAIN?!”
Even the yovidaphone was quieter.
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Nice, a new chapter to start off the work morning.
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Don't let Pinkie borrow that, she may never give it back.
Schaden is many things. He is not stupid.
Probably for the best.
Adorable.
And there it is.
11598354
Where do you think he got it?
I don't doubt it
yes Yes YES YEEEEES!!
I just know that someway, somehow, that party cannon will wind up firing upon a place of dense Equine occupation.
A story, a story. I can’t believe this isn’t specifically covered in the list.
11598582
If anything, this seems like a "was ACTUALLY not Schaden's fault in any way" kind of story if anything.
Must not... cave... in... oh hell.
*cue howling laughter, a desk being slapped, a drink tipping, and a yowl of idignant outrage*
Oh you wonderfully evil person. Show and Tell Day. The one day when all good little megalamaniacs, future evil overlords, and general trolls are allowed to show off and get away with it. And of course Schnaden brings out the heavy stuff because he can. After a day of the usual idiots being exceptionally stupid even by their standards, I needed that.
Now I just need to apologize to the cat. Due to a fit of howling laughter her nap was not only abruptly ended but she ended up a bit... damp. Just a heads up mr author. I woudn't open any packages from an unknown address that look like they were wrapped with paws without calling the bomb squad first. And now it is time to lock up the firearms. Twice. Maybe add some anchor chains too.
11598610
I mean... this has three different scenarios in my head.
First, "Drag" race, a bunch of stallions dressed up in drag and racing through the ity for charity. Pretty harmless.
Secondly "Drag race" which works as it would in Earth and yeah, I can't see that as any way but to catapult someone off a mountain city when they lose control.
Thirdly "Dragging race", where they try to drag Canterlot behind them. Someone probably would've succeeded.
11598690
I wanna see Schaden in drag.
THAT'S MY HOUSE!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSYpsRJuWdA
11598365
That'll be difficult given she was almost definitely involved in its construction. And I only say 'almost' because Shaden.
11598724
I'm so glad you got that joke.
MUST HAVE MILITARY GRADE PARTY CANNON
Where the hell did he get a military-grade party cannon? And who in their right mind would even create such a thing? Was it Discord? I bet it was Discord.
11598900
It was one of my favorite scenes from the series.
Though I can easily see Yona, Gallus, and Smoulder taking part it.
Anyway, I'd love to see Scaden interact with certain side characters, such as the Flam Flam Bros., Thorax and Pharynx , etc.]
Maybe some of the characters from the MLP movie.
Maybe have the Gen 5 characters find a The List and make a quest about finding out who it is.
Lol thanks for another chapter of this masterpiece.
Welcome back.
Man Schadden live such an interesting life and now I am way too curious about the story behind those accomplishments.
And him annoying Twilight is always great.
And now we know why we never saw Mannyroar again after the 2nd episode of the series...
11600260
Moonshot Manticore Mouth-dive?
11600548 That was another manticore. It had horns. Manny didn't. Also, the body and head shape were noticeably different.
Details, people, details!
11600886
Ah, I stand corrected. Been a while since I watched either episode...
11601165 Anyway, as we were saying, Smolder ate poor Manny. This makes her EVIL!
BURN THE WITCH... er... dragon... wait, fire doesn't work on dragons... FREEZE THE DRAGON!!!