Lesson Five: Check Your Supplies
It wasn’t till after classes were done on Friday that anything particularly special happened. After having been at the school for almost a full week, I was feeling myself grow slowly more paranoid. The longer I spent in Ponyville A town with a reputation for monster attacks, evil overlords, chaos magic, pony-eating EVERYTHING, and Rainbow Dash, the more I was surprised I hadn’t sustained any extensive damage, or been asked to testify in court yet. This was, so far, much easier than being Blueblood’s butler, but nowhere near as amusing. I was starting to miss the shiny little megalomaniac.
I was finding the day ins and day outs of teaching to be at least somewhat rewarding, if not tiresome. Don’t get me wrong, I could absolutely understand why somepony would dedicate their lives to the idea of education, but I was not that somepony. Still, I was just getting started, and had a whole month of shenaniganry to get up to. This evening, however, was reserved for one purpose.
Zap Apples.
I’ll admit I have something of an… affinity for Zap Apples. They’re extremely rare, only sprout for about 5 days after what I am assured is a series of meaningful and mystical portents, and make the best Celestia-be-damned you-will-not-remember-this alcohol from here to the Badlands. The only exception I’ve found being Shuddershock Whiskey, which is both extremely illegal in every country but Equestria because nopony here has even heard of the stuff, and the single most delicious and horrifying experience of my life. I still have nightmares, and would absolutely pile drive someone for another glass. The joys of being friends with certain diplomats.
I’d put in my order over a year ago, just before last year’s harvest, and had learned that the batch from that harvest was just now ready to pick up. If I missed my chance this year I’d have to wait another year for a new batch, and come back to Ponyville for that. Because if you thought harvesting Zap Apples was a pain in the flank, just try fermenting the damn things. They. Do not. Like it.
I. Do.
Thus, I’d met up with a somewhat wary Applejack just outside the school after classes, with the intention of following her to the orchard. “Evening, Applejack.”
She raised an eyebrow at me. “Schaden. Alright, now listen. ‘Fore we go anywhere, I want it made perfectly clear that you aren’t gonna bring any of your practical jokes or whatnot onto my farm. I know y’all have met my family before, but I don’t need you causin’ all kindsa hullabaloo in my house.”
“While your concerns are not unfounded,” I replied, “I can assure you I have no such intentions.”
“And why, praytell, should I believe that?” she asked. “Lemme tell you, normally I’m perfectly good at workin’ out when somepony is lyin’, but you I can never get a good read on. So tell me why I should let you anywhere near my farm when I could just cart the stuff up to you.”
“Well, for one, you’ve been taking Twilight much too seriously when she talks about me. And for two, do you have any idea how much I spent on this order?” I could tell this conversation was going to take a hot minute, and I wasn’t going anywhere till it was done, so I sat down in the grass.
Applejack followed suit. “What, for Zap Cider? Sure it’s hard to come by, but we charge an honest price. We’re no Flim ‘n’ Flam, I’ll tell you that.”
I laughed out loud, which just made her glare at me. “Zap Cider? Applejack, I could have waited in Canterlot for Zap Cider. You think the Everfree Forest is the only place that grows Zap Apples? Nah. Oh they’re rare, I’ll give you that. Extremely so. But not unobtainable. No, besides the fact that your family does have the best prices for literally anything Zap-made, as long as you pick it up yourself instead of going through one of Filthy Rich’s stores, Granny Smith is the only creature on the planet who knows how to make what I’m paying out the nose for.”
Then something weird happened. Applejack got a look on her face that I’d only ever seen a couple of times in my life. One that I’d worn many times, but actually seen someone else express that particular brand of deviousness? The only other creatures I knew that could smile like that were Celestia, Luna, and the other me. “You’re talkin’ ‘bout Zapplejack, aintcha?”
It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. “Maybe. Granny Smith was quite adamant I not mention my purchase by name.”
AJ nodded in understanding, then stood up and motioned for me to follow her. Which I did. “Alright, Schaden, you got my attention. Not a lot of folk know about the stuff, let alone are willin’ to pay what Granny charges.”
“Well, to be fair, most of it is a deposit, in case the batch goes south,” I mused. “The way I understand it is that if she’s not able to ferment it completely, she gives a good chunk of your money back. That way she’s not completely out part of her harvest, and you’re not out a whole month’s rent.”
“That’s a large part of it. You’re also buyin’ a place in line. Can’t tell you how many creatures think they can just march up and ask for a bottle,” she scoffed. “How long ago’d you put your name down?”
“Just before last year’s batch,” I said. “Got a tip from Filthy himself, actually.”
“Filthy Rich told you about it? How d’you even know him?”
“You’d be amazed how much influence Blueblood actually has in some circles. Filthy’s been part of his little social club for years. You’d be amazed how hard it is to get certain permits in Canterlot unless you know the right ponies,” I said dryly.
“I’ll bet. Can’t imagine it’s all above-board, neither,” AJ muttered.
“You’d be surprised,” I said. We’d gotten mostly outside Ponyville proper, and were just hitting the long dirt road to the orchard. “One of my many, many, many, many talents is making sure Blueblood does things by the book. Usually by making sure he knows exactly what happens to him if he doesn’t. Celestia and Luna have always been very adamant that the Royal family is not so above the law as to be untouchable. Otherwise Twilight wouldn’t have had so much trouble with the EEA. Which, if I’m being honest, is a lesson I’m still kind of drilling into Bluey’s head, but he’s got the broader strokes now.”
“And Filthy Rich? We’ve had a couple run-ins with him, but he’s always done good business with the Apple family. I didn’t even know he had stores in Canterlot.”
I smirked a little. “Stores? No. Suppliers. He’s very good at the wholesale-to-department store shtick. All those businesses he opens here? Wouldn’t be half as valuable if you could by straight from the manufacturer just by walking two blocks. Sure, the Zap Jam sells locally, so ponies don’t have to make the trek to the orchard, but there’s a lot of ponies in other cities who sell to him to sell here, and in neighboring towns. Look at it this way: how popular do you think hoofball is in Canterlot? Not as a professional sport, but as a hobby?”
AJ has to ruminate on that a little. “Can’t imagine all those expensive frou-frou types like getting’ down and dirty just for fun. You know what I mean,” she added, seeing the grin on my face.
“I do. Now imagine living in Canterlot and finding your special talent is making hoofball gear. Or farming equipment. Not everypony’s ready to move their whole life just because nobody local wants to buy what they’re selling. Filthy’s really good at sniffing out ponies, or creatures, like that, and giving them a chance to sell their wares and stay where they are. He might… bend a couple rules here and there, and of course there’s the issue of thinking money solves everything, but he’s not some horrible tycoon. I’ve met real tycoons. They punch way above his weight class,” I said almost gloomily. Fortunately, it was not my job to deal with such greedy creatures.
“So how’d you get him to tip you off about the whiskey?” she asked. The orchard was coming into view over the hill, as was the sunset. “He’s been tryin’ to get Granny Smith to sell for years, can’t imagine he’d give away a lead that good for nothin’.”
“Well, for one, I’m not looking to resell it,” I answered. “For two, ponies tend to be grateful when you point out the numerous commercial regulations their competitors are in violation of. Filthy prides himself in being above board, much to the annoyance of certain politicians and businessfolk, and takes almost as much joy in ripping out the rug from under anyone who thinks the laws don’t apply to them. We have a kind of standing agreement that way: he gets one up on his competitors, or eliminates them almost entirely; I get to watch a greedy, money-grubbing, manipulative capitalist bite the dirt so hard his next three meals taste like earthworms.”
AJ gave me the same raised eyebrow as before, but with a little less suspicion. “Twilight said you had a knack for takin’ folk down a peg or two that needed it. Alright, guess I don’t mind you takin’ home a bottle or two of my hard work.”
“...Your hard work?”
“Why d’you think we call it Zapplejack?”
--------------------------------
“Partner, that is a lot more than one or two bottles,” AJ said almost in awe, staring at the large rainbow crate I was currently trying not to rip open with my teeth. She turned to Granny Smith, who had met us in the back of a smaller shed on the corner of the farm. “Granny, why’d you sell him so much! I know we got larger harvests the last couple years, but that’s like givin’ away the farm!”
Granny waved a hoof dismissively, the rest of her leaning on a bale of hay. “Oh hush! You should be thankin’ the little troublemaker! He’s the whole reason we got such big harvests now!”
“An’ how’s that?” she asked dangerously, giving me some serious side-eye.
“You remember how I told you the Everfree Forest isn’t the only place that grows Zap Apples?” I said. “Well, there’s a particularly spicy thicket of ‘em just south of the Sand Lands, where the Sphinx nation is. Long story short I saved their country, and by proxy the world, from their tyrant overlord. Turns out they really appreciated that. So, when I was bartering the price last year, I dropped a line to their local watering hole, and got a few worthwhile tips for handling, growing, and fermenting Zap Apples. By which I mean someone over there wrote a whole damn book about it and sent me a copy, which I then forwarded to Granny Smith alongside a really almost extortionate amount of bits.”
“Wait, that was you?! I remember countin’ that money! Where’d you get it all?!” AJ barked.
“Applejack, I work directly for a Prince, by order of a Princess, and have room and board covered,” I explained. “Literally the only things I spend money on are pranking supplies, which I now get cheap having made friends with a particular party pony, who I really aught to pay a visit to soon, and my marefriend, who, when she gets back from Cloudsdale next weekend, is going to join me in getting absolutely SAUCED on this stuff. On top of that, I’m well acquainted -by virtue of keeping Blueblood out of their damn business- with a whole host of diplomats -griffins notwithstanding, they’re still mad at me- a couple of rather accomplished businessmen, and, once again, the royal family. Money has never, ever, ever been an issue. Although it is worth mentioning that I’m banned from most places in Canterlot that I would even go to spend it in the first place.”
“Even assumin’ I believe all that, how di I know you’re not gonna do somethin’ absolutely stupid with all that whiskey?” AJ demanded.
“Do you want me to answer that, or do you want to spend the next three hours helping me get absolutely TARNISHED on this stuff?”
“Don’t try ‘n’ change the subject! That’s way too much booze for one pony!” she shouted, stomping a hoof.
Again, I laughed, again, she glared at me. “One pony? Applejack, I just said I’m friends with several ambassadors, businessmen, and royal family members. Unlike Ponyville, friendship like that isn’t free. Not to mention the absolute tanning I’d get if Princess Luna found out I’d bought all this good shit and didn’t share.”
“...so you’re not an alcoholic?” AJ said after a long pause, having calmed down a little.
“AJ, they don’t even let me buy alcohol in Ponyville. Anymore. The last time I got plastered was Nightmare Night last year.”
Granny Smith chuckled from her corner. “He-he, yeah. That was a good ‘un. Speakin’ ‘o’ which, you gonna be round again this year?”
AJ looked between Granny and I. “Wait… you mean to tell me it was you two makin’ all that ruckus in the wood last year? You scared the bejeesus outta Applebloom an’ her friends!”
“Three of us,” I corrected. “Princess Luna loves cider, Zap or not. And Nightmare Night. And since I’m gonna be substituting till next month, it’s a safe bet I’ll be here for the holiday. Her, too, since she has the excuse of ‘checking in on me to make sure I’m fulfilling my community service obligations’.”
Applejack looked like she was getting a headache. “Twilight was right, bringin’ you to Ponyville years ago was a terrible idea.”
“Yes it was, now hush up and help me open this thing so you two can whip my hide at shots.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.02 seconds
Total duration
1,032 users online
1,633,333 hits today, 2,244,100 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Why.
Do, I even WANT to know?
Fair enough.
Oh? Now I'm curious.
I like this. Schaden's not a complete ass, and he's not goinjg to scam an old lady out of honest money. He's a Karmic Asshole.
I fully believe you.
Probably for the best.
Yeah, Filthy Rich is a surprisingly honest businessman. Pony.
That sounds HILARIOUS. I can see why you do it.
Fair the hell enough.
Huh. Impressive.
You, DO remember who he works for, right?
You're right. Which is why he won't drink it all.
Yep. And Schaden is loving it.
You know, I can't remember the last time I saw a writer let Applejack's Talent even partially reference the obvious hard liquor connection.
Sloshed Schaden would be something I would pay over the odds to see.
Ok now we need a flashback to that crazy drink he drank and the shenagins that had to have ensued.
I wonder how this violates any parts of the list...
I thought he just wasn't allowed to order alcohol, but that's limited to "in any establishment" or through third parties. Mail-order or talking to a seller outside seems to be okay.
He is navigating a bit of a needle to get others sloshed. He can't buy alcohol for them directly, but he can buy for himself and give it to others.
11440597
Schadensloshed?
And you can thank Toollights inability to use that termed common sense for it. Remember, Schaden isn't a serious jackass unless ypu provoke him. He just happens to consider ponies with too much self-importance and self-righteous very provocative.
11440666
He's in Ponyville. The list is "Things Shaden can't do in Canterlot"
Schadenfreude interaction with Ponyville in general is a laugh.
There should really be more stories about Granny Smith the Moonshiner.
Nope. Long story.
11440666
Remember, they retooled the list after Twilight rules lawyered her way to getting him to violate the rules to fulfill a Royal Decree. They probably redid that one, or just got rid of it.
I feel like as you've matured you've made schaden sort of a different character. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, I just feel like he's totally someone else in these most recent fics
What are you talking about, it was a wonderful idea
11442864
I had forgotten about that one, actually had the Texas plant on my mind when I was writing that because my parents lived in the area at the time.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/West_Fertilizer_Company_explosion
So how's socialism working out under Starlight?
11443735
Yes because comparing a cult of personality that's more akin to stalinist totalitarianism with a faint dusting of socialism is clearly the right thing to do. So is defending a system that is eagerly killing people through neglect and malicious greed is suuuch a good idea. you people are why I hope our species goes extinct as there's no way to unbrainwash y'all.
Great story so far, nice work.
...If Derpy gets drunk is she more or less clumsy?