Sorry about this. This was actually supposed to be the rest of the previous chapter, but as I told yesterday, I kinda decided to take a nap and lost too much time to write and clean it up. And I KNOW you're gonna hate me for leaving this with another cliffhanger, so if you'd rather wait to see what happens next, you might wanna skip reading this until I post the next chapter.
The next chapter MIGHT be the last one, at least that's how I've planned it for now, but I MIGHT re-visit the story at a later date.
good chapter really cutting deep into scoots if only more people had big sisters like sweetie belle well maybe without the domination then this world would probaly be a better place
1353278 Well, my thinking is that Sweetie Belle herself has a good big sister and parents. I mean, her parents seemed quite aloof in the short time they were on screen in Sisterhooves Social, but her big sister is sure to pick up the slack and make sure she grows up to be a proper young mare. Also, if anything, Rarity is sure to impose the value of work and money on her sister.
Okay, prefacing this: There's no way in Tartarus I'd spend so much time pointing all this out if I didn't absolutely LOVE this fic SO MUCH! (much like Sweetie loves Scootaloo) I think this will be the only chapter I bother to point out the punctuation, and, if you tell me before I finish reading, I can stop spamming you with other notes about typos as well. If you'd like me to edit a google document or something for punctuation, etc., let me know and I'll be happy to oblige after I'm finished reading it through once. --------------------- Chapter 5 errors: "sprinkle that always seemed to come and go, only leaving a few pearls of water on the merry spiderwebs or end up on the tips of leaves" "It was small and misty, and felt more like a dense fog than real rain. It got everywhere, and stayed there. (There should be no comma unless there are 3+ elements needing separation or each sentence can stand on its own independently. - Rules for Comma Usage) "giving off a dull, warm light" (Serial commas are only used when there are 3 or more elements needing separation.) "Well the water had been warm" (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.) "At the moment she couldn't remember" (Comma required for introductory element.) "She thought about shaking her mane dry, but then thought again, as the priceless drawings" ("but then thought again" is neither a parenthetical nor an independent sentence. No first comma would be correct.) "Collector's Edition Wonderbolts On Tour -poster" (no hyphen) "Well you took your time." (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.) "Well can you tell me what you did wrong today?" (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.) "I called a few of the customers 'pops'?" (Single quotation marks behave just like double quotation marks with punctuation, so 'pops?' would be correct.) "Also being wet and cold" (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.) "For the longest time the only sound" (Comma required for introductory element.) "droplets, falling on the roof from the boughs of the tree above, and the occasional turning of a page" (no commas) "sniffles coming from the corner, and decided it was time" (no comma) "the switch from the pegasus' mouth" (Though it sounds weird, "pegasus's" is actually recommended but not required. - Apostrophes with Words Ending in s "set it next to the other items, and then sat" (no comma) "Without saying anything else the pegasus lowered herself" (Comma required for introductory element.) "holding her like that a few times, after she'd gotten hurt" (no comma) "stroking the pegasus' purple mane" (recommend "pegasus's") "purple mane, and speaking" (no comma) "think: 'Hey, that candy costs 2 bits' and then" (Commas instead of colon to separate quotation) "you think 'I get two bits for doing the dishes, cleaning my room and stuff'." (comma after "think" and period berfore single quotation) "so if I REALLY need" (missing first comma for parenthetical) "Today when you told me" (missing first comma for parenthetical) "The pegasus' eyes shot open" "kept stroking the pegasus' mane" "to tell me 'today sucked" (comma) "Her forehooves started shaking, as she threw herself against the unicorn's lap and desperately clung" (Either add or remove a comma. This can be treated like a parenthetical, requiring surrounding commas, or a prepositional phrase, requiring no surrounding commas.)
"I was gonna make some thing for school, I don't even remember what it was. But she was so angry with me." ("something" is one word) ((Three options to fix the punctuation here: 1. Replace the comma with a period, 2. Replace the period with a comma, or 3. Remove the comma and period surrounding "I don't even remember what it was" and replace them with em dashes. Rules of Use for Em Dashes Though you haven't used any em dashes to this point, so, unless you'd like to try and correct all similar fragments, which might technically be more correct and look better, I recommend simply avoiding the em dash for consistency's sake.))
"walking, digging and finally dragging the gems" (comma x3 - "walking, digging, and, finally, dragging the gems") "And whenever she tells me to do something I try" (needs commas)
Gotta say it. This time Scoots deserves the spanking. Seriously, drinking the merchandise? Try doing that at a job and see what happens. Also, this story reminds me of being a young sub beneath the hand of a certain red-haired young dom who later (not kidding) became a professional dominatrix. Always knew she was talented at handing out a spanking. And I think it would be hilarious if you made a side story where Rarity teaches Sweetie Belle to be a proper dom. It's called a safe word darling. It's what separates BDSM from just tying someone up and spanking them senseless. Oh...well I f*cked this one up good.
Sorry about this. This was actually supposed to be the rest of the previous chapter, but as I told yesterday, I kinda decided to take a nap and lost too much time to write and clean it up. And I KNOW you're gonna hate me for leaving this with another cliffhanger, so if you'd rather wait to see what happens next, you might wanna skip reading this until I post the next chapter.
The next chapter MIGHT be the last one, at least that's how I've planned it for now, but I MIGHT re-visit the story at a later date.
EDIT: Also... Yay I got feature.
good chapter really cutting deep into scoots if only more people had big sisters like sweetie belle well maybe without the domination
then this world would probaly be a better place
1353278 Well, my thinking is that Sweetie Belle herself has a good big sister and parents. I mean, her parents seemed quite aloof in the short time they were on screen in Sisterhooves Social, but her big sister is sure to pick up the slack and make sure she grows up to be a proper young mare. Also, if anything, Rarity is sure to impose the value of work and money on her sister.
1353292 also is this going to go any further just asking for this question has been pestering me
Damn....that hit Scoots like a train!
Still the chapter was really good, as always your pacing is phenomenal.
Just getting closer to
-Luna Nobis Custodit
i1243.photobucket.com/albums/gg554/Kittezu/another.gif
Two things.
#1: Psychological trauma! I'm telling you! It'll happen!
#2: Since I enjoy that kind of rain, does that make me a fungus?
If I could, I would marry this sentence and raise a whole heap of small little sentences with it.
Okay, prefacing this:
There's no way in Tartarus I'd spend so much time pointing all this out if I didn't absolutely LOVE this fic SO MUCH! (much like Sweetie loves Scootaloo) I think this will be the only chapter I bother to point out the punctuation, and, if you tell me before I finish reading, I can stop spamming you with other notes about typos as well. If you'd like me to edit a google document or something for punctuation, etc., let me know and I'll be happy to oblige after I'm finished reading it through once.
---------------------
Chapter 5 errors:
"sprinkle that always seemed to come and go, only leaving a few pearls of water on the merry spiderwebs or end up on the tips of leaves"
"It was small and misty, and felt more like a dense fog than real rain. It got everywhere, and stayed there.
(There should be no comma unless there are 3+ elements needing separation or each sentence can stand on its own independently. - Rules for Comma Usage)
"giving off a dull, warm light" (Serial commas are only used when there are 3 or more elements needing separation.)
"Well the water had been warm" (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.)
"At the moment she couldn't remember" (Comma required for introductory element.)
"She thought about shaking her mane dry, but then thought again, as the priceless drawings" ("but then thought again" is neither a parenthetical nor an independent sentence. No first comma would be correct.)
"Collector's Edition Wonderbolts On Tour -poster" (no hyphen)
"Well you took your time." (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.)
"Well can you tell me what you did wrong today?" (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.)
"I called a few of the customers 'pops'?" (Single quotation marks behave just like double quotation marks with punctuation, so 'pops?' would be correct.)
"Also being wet and cold" (Comma for brief introductory element, recommended, not required.)
"For the longest time the only sound" (Comma required for introductory element.)
"droplets, falling on the roof from the boughs of the tree above, and the occasional turning of a page" (no commas)
"sniffles coming from the corner, and decided it was time" (no comma)
"the switch from the pegasus' mouth" (Though it sounds weird, "pegasus's" is actually recommended but not required. - Apostrophes with Words Ending in s
"set it next to the other items, and then sat" (no comma)
"Without saying anything else the pegasus lowered herself" (Comma required for introductory element.)
"holding her like that a few times, after she'd gotten hurt" (no comma)
"stroking the pegasus' purple mane" (recommend "pegasus's")
"purple mane, and speaking" (no comma)
"think: 'Hey, that candy costs 2 bits' and then" (Commas instead of colon to separate quotation)
"you think 'I get two bits for doing the dishes, cleaning my room and stuff'." (comma after "think" and period berfore single quotation)
"so if I REALLY need" (missing first comma for parenthetical)
"Today when you told me" (missing first comma for parenthetical)
"The pegasus' eyes shot open"
"kept stroking the pegasus' mane"
"to tell me 'today sucked" (comma)
"Her forehooves started shaking, as she threw herself against the unicorn's lap and desperately clung" (Either add or remove a comma. This can be treated like a parenthetical, requiring surrounding commas, or a prepositional phrase, requiring no surrounding commas.)
"I was gonna make some thing for school, I don't even remember what it was. But she was so angry with me."
("something" is one word)
((Three options to fix the punctuation here:
1. Replace the comma with a period,
2. Replace the period with a comma, or
3. Remove the comma and period surrounding "I don't even remember what it was" and replace them with em dashes.
Rules of Use for Em Dashes
Though you haven't used any em dashes to this point, so, unless you'd like to try and correct all similar fragments, which might technically be more correct and look better, I recommend simply avoiding the em dash for consistency's sake.))
"walking, digging and finally dragging the gems" (comma x3 - "walking, digging, and, finally, dragging the gems")
"And whenever she tells me to do something I try" (needs commas)
Once she droped Diamond Tira and SilverSpoons name it was over.
I feel out my chair.
Great story! Very good job!
It's like this.
thinks and ()(bloom is sick.)
is not an angel, though, and finds pleasure in pain.
Gotta say it. This time Scoots deserves the spanking. Seriously, drinking the merchandise? Try doing that at a job and see what happens. Also, this story reminds me of being a young sub beneath the hand of a certain red-haired young dom who later (not kidding) became a professional dominatrix.
Always knew she was talented at handing out a spanking.
And I think it would be hilarious if you made a side story where Rarity teaches Sweetie Belle to be a proper dom.
It's called a safe word darling. It's what separates BDSM from just tying someone up and spanking them senseless.
Oh...well I f*cked this one up good.