Apple Bloom decided to tell on Sweetie Belle for breaking a flower pot at recess and Sweetie Belle wanted payback. She knew that Apple Bloom was very ticklish on her hooves so, why not tickle her hooves to teach her a lesson?
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Mystico_
Joined 10th Sep, 2020 ·
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This was so adorable. I like it.
This was okay but it doesn't make much sense.
Have a like regardless for the effort.
11310645
How so? I would love criticism. It can help me to make better stories in the future and even update this story now to make it better! ^^
11309167
Glad you enjoyed it :)
11310645
It’s clearly a slice of life story that was meant to be adorable fluff, so I enjoy it for its simplicity.
I'm a bit confused about what this story is supposed to be. Normally, when people on this site write stories about tickling, those stories are meant to be lewd in nature. I'm assuming that wasn't your intent, since there's nothing particularly erotic in this story. That's not necessarily a bad thing, of course; you can have a purely platonic story about tickling, but there needs to be something else there to hook the reader other than lewdness. For me at least, that something wasn't there. You rushed through the setup with fast-paced, utilitarian prose just to get to the tickling, but once you got there, that's all there was. If you were trying to make this some lighthearted, cute character story, you could have done that, but that would have needed some little character moments and more details that just weren't there.
11323464
What do you think else could've hooked the reader? Tickling was the point of the story (which I'm sure you already figured out), but couldn't necessarily propose a better setup to transition to the tickling besides what's already done. I'm still relatively new to writing, so I'm still learning as days move on! This was supposed to be an improvement compared to the original 2020 version of the fanfic, but it's okay that there are still mistakes I should fix! I appreciate the criticism, seriously. So you don't know how much this comment means to me.
11325904
Like I said before, there needs to be some meat to the story beyond just a description of the tickling itself. There are several ways you could take a setup like this, depending on what you're going for. You could turn it into a comedy by adding more humor or making the tickling sillier in nature. You could turn it into a mild romance by adding some cute, childish romantic moments. Given the premise you have, you could even make this a little bit darker by adding some more serious sadistic themes to the tickle-torture. (Personally, I wouldn't prefer that last option, but I'm sure someone on this site would.) Whatever you decide, make sure it's something that could be entertaining on its own, and let the tickling be the icing on the cake.