The Story of Clear Canvas

by ClearCanvas

The Sunrise

It was early in the morning, the sun rising above the horizon. Clear Canvas just woke up and yawned. “Woke up just in time to paint the sunrise.” She walked to the bathroom and brushed her teeth, then she went to her easel and said “ I better paint this fast, but not to fast, it might get too sloppy.” She tried to stare at the sun without burning her eyes, to memorize the sun to make it perfect! She finally finished her painting and said. “This is..... Beautiful!!” She trotted downstairs thinking, “This will sell for about one hundred bits!” She smiled happily.

She set the portrait down on a piece of wood. “Selling for one hundred bits!” Fancy Pants walked over in a instant, buying it in a few seconds.

“Why, this art is simply magnificent!” He said in an accent. “May I request a painting?” Clear Canvas’s smile grew.

“Why of course sir! What would you like?”

"Oh I would certainly would like the great night sky with a spectacular rainbow going across it." Clear Canvas’s eye twitched.

“On it sir Fancy Pants!” She saluted and ran to her house breathing heavily. “I met Fancy Pants!” She yelled. "Oh my GOSH!” She totally forgot about breakfast. She took a box of cereal and put it in a bowl, she took a bite then she drew a little, then she ate another bite then she drew a little. Her mouth was full and she said. "All done!"

Clear Canvas walked back and forth. "I have to paint the night sky with a rainbow going across it!" She said to herself. " I can get my friend Rainbow Dash from Ponyville to help me! She pounced around happily then ran out side heading toward the train station before it left, she paid and went on. "Woo Hooo here we go!" She yelled with a smile. The train was moving and it sped off! She looked out of the window and said. "I can draw that easily!" She took out some extra paper and started to draw. The train was half way and they went through a tunnel. "Darn it, I was almost done." She said impatiently. It came out of the tunnel, she started to draw again.

They stopped at Ponyville, Clear Canvas's eyes were big. "Wow, I love this place!" She jumped off and looked at her drawing and said. "I knew I can draw it right". Clear Canvas was walking to Rainbow Dash's house. She saw so many sights but she wanted to see Rainbow Dash. She finally got to her house and yelled. "Rainbow Dash it's me Clear Canvas the person who fly's to see all the sights!" Rainbow Dash flew out and said.

"Clear Canvas!" She flew right into Clear Canvas, Rainbow was yelling. "OH MY GOSH, CLEAR CANVAS!" Clear Canvas was angry because she crumbled up her drawing. She sat down and said.

"*humf* That took the whole train ride." Rainbow frowned and said.

"I didn't mean to I'm sorry Cleary."

"I'm fine, I can draw it when I come back to Canterlot." Rainbow was just saying random stuff that Clear Canvas couldn't hear.

Rainbow was finally done and Clear Canvas said. "Done with your jibber jab, it was getting annoying, Sorry." Rainbow was kind of embarrassed

"So... um.., want do you want to do?" Clear Canvas said.

"I want to fly over Ponyville and see the views!"

Rainbow yelled. "RACE YA!" Clear Canvas and Rainbow Dash flew in the sky in a flash, so fast that almost everypony in Ponyville was looking. Clear Canvas was amazed of the view. Rainbow was paying attention to the racing.
They started talking while they were racing.

"I love the wind in my face, do you?" said Clear Canvas. Rainbow said.

"I'm used to it." They landed and Rainbow won.

"Great job Rainbow!" "As always." Rainbow bragged.

"Oh No, I almost forgot, have to a paint! I have to go back to Canterlot! Come with me Rainbow, I need you! PLEASE!" Clear Canvas yelled. Rainbow said.

"I'd LOVE to go to Canterlot."

"Come on, lets go! Clear Canvas said as she pulled Rainbow to the train station. They got on the train and they were going to Canterlot. "While I'm on the train I can redraw my pic!" Clear Canvas said. Rainbow looked at her drawing and said.

"It needs to be 20% cooler." Clear Canvas looked at her with a face.

"Can you draw this?" Rainbow felt like she just got owned..... Well.... she did. They got to Canerlot and Rainbow followed Clear Canvas. Her house was right ahead.

"There it is! I can finally paint my painting!" Rainbow looked at her house.

"That is your house?" Clear Canvas said.

"Yes, that's my house." They went inside and Rainbow laughed.

"I have a BETTER house than this!" Clear Canvas looked her with anger and said.

"Jee THANKS! It makes me feel so much better!" She walked to her room and said. "Rainbow..... your sleeping on the floor."

"I AM NOT SLEEPING ON THE GROUND!!" Rainbow yelled.

"Fine then go get a cloud." Rainbow flew out the window and came back with some cloud.

"Now we have the bed thingy done now you go make a rainbow across the night sky." Clear Canvas was pointing to the sky and Rainbow yelled.

"I'm on it!" Rainbow flew out the window and made a little rainbow going across the sky.

"PERFECT!!" Clear Canvas yelled with a smile. Rainbow Dash started singing.

"DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE SKY YEA YEEEEAAAA!" Clear Canvas started her painting with a huge grin on her face. 15 minutes went by, Rainbow still singing her song. Clear Canvas was only 25% done, She heard knocking on the door, it was Fancy Pants! Clear Canvas's grin turned upside down. Fancy Pants said.

"Is your wonderful painting done?" Clear Canvas said shyly.

"Sorry sir Fancy Pants.... I am not done."

"I want it done at 12:00 at midnight, I will meet you.. Okay?" Clear Canvas smiled again.

"It will be done! See you later sir Fancy Pants!"

"No I will see you... later." Clear Canvas ran up stairs and started to paint. 3 hours later, she was done and Rainbow was snoring loudly. Fancy Pants knocked on the door. Clear Canvas zoomed to the door. "Here is your painting sir!" Fancy Pants took the painting and said.

"Magnificently wonderful! I love it! This was worth waiting for!" Clear Canvas jumped up and down.

"Thank you, Thank you, Thank you so much!"

Comments

[Domestic Pygmy]

Alright, well, review time. I already edit a story part time, so I'm not going to do a huge "sentence by sentence, word for word" look at what was wrong, lest I bash my head into my keyboard midway through. Just going to give you some general tips/pointers. Alright, here we go.

1. Grammar. While not nearly as bad as a lot of fics that have ended up on the front page as of late, it's still something you could improve on. A new paragraph is always to be started after a new speaker.

She set the portrait down on a piece of wood. “Selling for one hundred bits!” Fancy Pants walked over in a instant, he bought it in a few seconds. “Why, this art is simply magnificent!” He said in an accent.

Could be changed to:

She set the portrait down on a piece of wood. “Selling for one hundred bits!” Fancy Pants walked over in a instant, buying it within a few seconds.

“Why, this art is simply magnificent!” he said in an accent.

Continuing with the grammar theme, commas should be added (unless using other punctuation besides a period) at the end of quotation marks if you're speaker's action is not a full sentence by itself.

"Darn it I was almost done." she said impatiently.

Can be changed to:

"Darn it, I was almost done," she said impatiently.

On to the simple things. You omitted a few period where periods belong (not going to bother quoting simply because this review is going to be long if I use an example each time. Quotation marks in some places also got omitted. "Your" was used when "you're" should have been, quotation where an apostrophe should have been, first paragraph wasn't indented, and so on.

In conclusion: 2/5 mustaches

2. Spelling. Thank Celestia this wasn't an issue. Pretty much everything was at least spelt right. (Except one minor thing in the cover picture. "Mabye" instead of "Maybe".)

In conclusion: 4/5 mustaches

3. Storyline. Uh oh. This is an extremely opinionated subject, thus I'm not going to get too deep into it or include it in the average rating I give. This is also where I tend to get into rants and/or raves. Remember, any objections/compliments are just mine, and should be taken with a dump truck of salt. Anyway, on with it.

It seems as of right now, we're simply following the OC (self-insert or otherwise) along on their small little journey to and from Canterlot. Nothing too exciting has honestly happened, and I'm having trouble thinking how this story really stands out from any other "OC in Equestria" stories. No interesting plot/characters, no emotional twists or turns, but we are only one chapter in, so we'll have to wait and see how the story develops. If, though, you were going to have your OC paint art throughout the story, I will pass. But again, this is just me. I'll give it a rating, but it's not going to be included in the average.

In (my) conclusion: 2/5 mustaches

4. OC since the story is OC related. This one is going to be averaged in.

Not too shabby. No "Mary Sue" self insert, color scheme ain't bad (hooray for no red and black demon-spawn thing), and she has a decent amount of character. However, she could still be improved. A bit more character development could be tossed into play, and some emotions (not just sadness/anger/so on) could be added to the mix. We haven't truly been.. connected to the OC in terms of thoughts/feelings, and thus I (and again, I) find it hard to really care about what happens to her. But, again, not too shabby, and she ain't "the son of the devil", so hey.

In conclusion: 3/5 mustaches

Average rating: 3/5 mustaches

Final thoughts:
This isn't too bad, and I hope to see you improve in the future. Also, this review took me about 30-40 minutes total to write, so APPRECIATE IT.

[ClearCanvas]

1313267 I'm sorry, I'm just 9 years old. Thanks for the advise.

[ClearCanvas]

More dislikes....... it okay I guess..... Waiting for the future.

[Ditzy_Hooves_1]

1321701
I actually liked it Its not the grammar and other stuff (okay maybe the grammar) Its the heart. My storys kinda suck too. givem a read.

[ClearCanvas]

Domestic Pymgy I want more advise! You really helped me! Thanks a lot!

[Domestic Pygmy]

1326852
Sorry. I didn't see your comment. Reply to me next time so I see it easier. Anyway, I'll see what I can whip up, but it won't be for a little while. Got some nonsense in life to take care of.

[ClearCanvas]

1342916 I can wait for 3 weeks if I have to. Take all the time you need.