• Member Since 29th Nov, 2020
  • offline last seen July 27th

Shattering stones

I make things. Beep boop. Also (they/them)


A day after Mrs cake’s birth of her sons, she was told she wouldn’t want to see her son. She still requested to see him, but the doctor didn’t let her see what she had made. Only when she was left out of the bed, she saw what the doctors wanted to hide from her. She walked home, and in that time, made a decision, one she would and wouldn’t forget.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 10 )

Mrs. Cake, you just made a big mistake. 🤦

:derpytongue2:right now i'll rate it a 7/10. grammar could use some work but it's a good idea and the first 2 chapters r setting up for a plot that seems interesting. if this is continued i'll read it and see where it goes.

Bet a whole lot of bits that the foal will come back and ask why she tried to kill it and then threw it out like trash.

This seems like an interesting idea, but the wonky grammar and some plot issues hold it down. For example;

“Mrs cake. Wake up.” Mrs.Cake is woken up to a young pegasus nurse. Her eyes fluttered, and she had no idea how long she was asleep.

“Oh, hello ma’am.” Mrs.Cake rubbed her eye with her hove, and blinked a few times to clear her vision. She wondered how old she was sleeping, since she had given birth. Her legs felt tingly, but she took no notice.

Proper nouns need to start with capital letters, and where titles such as Mrs. are used, there needs to be a space between the title and the name. Additionally, pick a tense and stick with it. The story starts in the present and then suddenly shifts to the past. It is convention to write fiction in the past tense. I also found myself wondering if English is your first language, as the expression 'how old she was sleeping' sounds like it was literally translated out of another language.

will there be more chapters?

There are issues but I think you are going a bit overboard with some things here.

Shifting tenses without good reason is a no no, so far so good but I never ever heard that the genre implies a certain tense. The tense is dependent on the writing style and the perspective the author wants to convey. Probably most fiction and most other genres are written in past tense but that's neither a rule nor a convention. It is how most people choose to write because it's the way it comes natural when telling a story. You can, however, use present tense no problem. You also can shift tenses if it makes sense grammatically or as a style element.
The way they shifted tenses here is wrong. I agree with that.

It doesn't look like English is their first language. But what do you do. Getting involved with editors isn't everyone's thing. So yap, it's probably true that people will find this off putting - I'm not even making an exception for me here - but it's nothing I'd mention here. Usually people are aware of their level of speech, whether they are non-natives or some kind or dyslectic or what not.

Apart from the medical impossibility

But pegasi and magical unicorns are...medical...possibilities...? (Pegasi have a 3rd pair of extremities where no bird nor mammal nor even flying "dinosaurs" we know of would have that because their wings evolved from the arms/hands in all cases. There is an exception that are the insects. It is supposed that their wings evolved from parts of their shell. But pegasi are no changelings...
You get my point: every human versed in biology/anatomy will instantly notice and cringe at the sight of a pony, a mammal even, with a 3rd pair of extremities. But even they usually don't care.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the guy who want's to explain every nonsensical thing with magic(tm) but I think this is well within the boundaries of what can be written. If you want to go with such a story, why not? Wouldn't go to a zombie apocalypse and say that it's not logical and medically impossible. It's not the real logic that counts but the logic that is created within a story universe. If a story isn't logical according to real world logic: no problem. If a story isn't logical according to it's own world logic: now that's annoying.

About termination and paperwork see the above. I'm aware that there is a canon for a given universe but I also don't think that every fan fic that deviates from the canon because it doesn't have ultrasound or similar banality, should be flagged as "alternative universe". Plus you could construct an intricate plot that would allow all that to happen even under real world circumstances. Maybe it's just not yet revealed. Maybe it will never be revealed. I actually doubt it myself but it is an argument against you just outright denying that something like this can be written in a fan fic. ^^
There is probably a ton of Hollywood movies that violate things like that. Give the little crazy fan fic some leeway xD .

Comment has been revised in line with your commentary. On reflection, it was rather assholish.

Oh, holy crap, I hadn't expected this. Even though I was trying not to escalate things. Thank you for reflecting.

Why do some of my superiors actually see me as a disruption in MS Teams then? I'm clearly well versed in the arts of civilised social communication, it seems :trixieshiftright: .

I understand. I'm new to writing and mlp writing at that. I'm going to try and improve my stories in the future. thanks for giving me some insight, and how I can improve.

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