The baby cakes

by Shattering stones

The end

“Oh, hi mrs.cake! What brings your here?” The nice pony at the desk in the hospital nursery. Mrs.cake had a nice ponytail pulling her main back, but around the tie, it was a bit ruffled up.

“Well i came to see if there were any adorable little foals i could adopt.”

“Oh, well i heard you had a foal recently, why would you want another? Not to sound rude or anything.”

Mrs. Sighed, seeming slightly sad from the question brought to her. Her stomach clenched and she felt a gem was lodged in side her throat.

“Well.. the foal i had was.. it was stillborn.. i.. i just wanted to see if there was a foal i could get because, me and mr.cake wanted and prepared for a foal for so long, and i didn’t wanna make it hurt for him.”

The nurse pony gasped. “Oh i had no idea, but i know what that feels like. I had a foal was was stillborn as well. I know it may be tough but you can do it well, and i know of it. Would you like to see the foals?”

Mrs.cake sighed. “Sure.”
Mrs.cake smiled as she followed the nurse to the room, where only two small foals laid. One a pegasus, one a unicorn. Mrs.cake walked to the two foals, and the lighter one opened it’s eyes.

“This light one is pound cake, and the more orange-ish one is pumpkin cake. It was crazy because they were both born by a earthpony.”

“That is quite bizarre. And they both look so cute.” Mrs.cake looked at the foals. They seemed very cute, and she can’t imagine them not together.

“Do you know where the papers are?” Mrs.cake looked at the nurse kindly.

“Of course! Right this way.” The two walked off, but she still felt the guilt of what happened that very night. It seemed to pull her back like a chain, but she didn’t want to give any flags that she was sad.

Comments

[OP Omni God-Emperor Doom]

Mrs. Cake, you just made a big mistake. 🤦

[tavie]

right now i'll rate it a 7/10. grammar could use some work but it's a good idea and the first 2 chapters r setting up for a plot that seems interesting. if this is continued i'll read it and see where it goes.

[Soul_Eater]

Bet a whole lot of bits that the foal will come back and ask why she tried to kill it and then threw it out like trash.

[The Blue EM2]

This seems like an interesting idea, but the wonky grammar and some plot issues hold it down. For example;

“Mrs cake. Wake up.” Mrs.Cake is woken up to a young pegasus nurse. Her eyes fluttered, and she had no idea how long she was asleep.

“Oh, hello ma’am.” Mrs.Cake rubbed her eye with her hove, and blinked a few times to clear her vision. She wondered how old she was sleeping, since she had given birth. Her legs felt tingly, but she took no notice.

Proper nouns need to start with capital letters, and where titles such as Mrs. are used, there needs to be a space between the title and the name. Additionally, pick a tense and stick with it. The story starts in the present and then suddenly shifts to the past. It is convention to write fiction in the past tense. I also found myself wondering if English is your first language, as the expression 'how old she was sleeping' sounds like it was literally translated out of another language.

[Sleepy_meep_92]

will there be more chapters?

[TheYear2525]

11182359
There are issues but I think you are going a bit overboard with some things here.

Shifting tenses without good reason is a no no, so far so good but I never ever heard that the genre implies a certain tense. The tense is dependent on the writing style and the perspective the author wants to convey. Probably most fiction and most other genres are written in past tense but that's neither a rule nor a convention. It is how most people choose to write because it's the way it comes natural when telling a story. You can, however, use present tense no problem. You also can shift tenses if it makes sense grammatically or as a style element.
The way they shifted tenses here is wrong. I agree with that.

It doesn't look like English is their first language. But what do you do. Getting involved with editors isn't everyone's thing. So yap, it's probably true that people will find this off putting - I'm not even making an exception for me here - but it's nothing I'd mention here. Usually people are aware of their level of speech, whether they are non-natives or some kind or dyslectic or what not.

Apart from the medical impossibility

But pegasi and magical unicorns are...medical...possibilities...? (Pegasi have a 3rd pair of extremities where no bird nor mammal nor even flying "dinosaurs" we know of would have that because their wings evolved from the arms/hands in all cases. There is an exception that are the insects. It is supposed that their wings evolved from parts of their shell. But pegasi are no changelings...
You get my point: every human versed in biology/anatomy will instantly notice and cringe at the sight of a pony, a mammal even, with a 3rd pair of extremities. But even they usually don't care.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the guy who want's to explain every nonsensical thing with magic(tm) but I think this is well within the boundaries of what can be written. If you want to go with such a story, why not? Wouldn't go to a zombie apocalypse and say that it's not logical and medically impossible. It's not the real logic that counts but the logic that is created within a story universe. If a story isn't logical according to real world logic: no problem. If a story isn't logical according to it's own world logic: now that's annoying.

About termination and paperwork see the above. I'm aware that there is a canon for a given universe but I also don't think that every fan fic that deviates from the canon because it doesn't have ultrasound or similar banality, should be flagged as "alternative universe". Plus you could construct an intricate plot that would allow all that to happen even under real world circumstances. Maybe it's just not yet revealed. Maybe it will never be revealed. I actually doubt it myself but it is an argument against you just outright denying that something like this can be written in a fan fic. ^^
There is probably a ton of Hollywood movies that violate things like that. Give the little crazy fan fic some leeway xD .

[The Blue EM2]

11191052
Comment has been revised in line with your commentary. On reflection, it was rather assholish.

[TheYear2525]

11191175
Oh, holy crap, I hadn't expected this. Even though I was trying not to escalate things. Thank you for reflecting.

Why do some of my superiors actually see me as a disruption in MS Teams then? I'm clearly well versed in the arts of civilised social communication, it seems .

[Shattering stones]

11191052
I understand. I'm new to writing and mlp writing at that. I'm going to try and improve my stories in the future. thanks for giving me some insight, and how I can improve.

[The Blue EM2]

11191930
It's not a problem.