Many a pony has heard the tale of Nightmare Moon. Until she returned but a few years ago, it was passed off as a pony tale. Then she struck again and they all believed…little did they know, what they’d been forced to believe wasn’t the entire truth. Today, the truth will be revealed. I write this as a warning to all of Equestria. You must be prepared, for we are on the precipice of war.
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the first part of my first fic. what do you think? any tips for a beginner?
Fix your grammar, is my advice to you.
Titles should be capitalized properly. The True Tale of Nightmare Moon and Part 1: Cris
Also, the "pony tale" in the description should probably be old ponies' tale. The pilot uses that as a play on old wives' tale.
Thank you, but any thoughts on the story and not my grammar?
Your plot is jumping all over the place. Each part of it might be better if fleshed it out into full-fledged chapters. I'm guessing, because my brain hurts after all of the jumping, that Queen Chrysalis was a student of Celestia, wanted to be immortal and framed Luna as she tricks the two into fighting each other.
That does sound like a good plot but your story is having a hard time executing it.
For one thing, your summary should say AU or Alternate Universe if one exists. We all know Nightmare Moon is Luna and she got her rear handed to her by the mane 6. You should make it obvious with the summary that this is a before the Mane 6 fic. The way the summary was written, I was thinking that Nightmare Moon had returned with an army and we would get to know her origins as she makes war with Equestria.
The story proper, shows that my assumption wasn't the case. But you should change the summary, so others won't click on this story with that assumption and be disappointed.
Next, did you have a particular theme or tone that you wanted to portray with the story? The way that it is written makes it seem like another pony is recalling the tale to someone else. But at times, some of the things that the narrator knows, they shouldn't because of the circumstances, so it makes me think that you didn't have intention while writing. You should fix that because it's sloppy writing. Also I noticed, that you used words like hot-air balloons and trains as some of the background things when this story takes places 1000 years before the show. Those inventions were probably not invented then.
And let's be realistic here. If a Changeling, only needed to take a form of a pony to obtain their knowledge and magic, quite a few of those changelings wouldn't have been affected by the love blast that shot them out of Canterlot. Some of them were still disguised as ponies and the Mane 6.
And this chapter, as a whole, goes by too fast. I really don't understand Cris or her strange beef with Celestia or why Luna felt so close to Cris. I feel none of the emotional stirrings that is supposed to pull the story along. All of the characters are bland and I feel like that I am missing important parts of the plot.
I suggest you slow down with the speeding with the plot. Give your story a re-read, start expanding it, and look for a pre-reader to look it over after you're done.
~Farewell
The Plot Maniac
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^
He's striking the points on what I've noticed myself.
Your summarizing EVERYTHING. It's a good thing to have slow or boring parts in a fan-fiction, if not to flesh out your characters and make this ordeal have so much more weight to it. It felt like you skipped a whole timeline of bonding and respect between the princesses and this OC, which without it doesn't make us care for the well-being or emotional standpoint of the characters at all.
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i.imgur.com/xnSvp.gif
You summed it up faster than I could. It's more than likely that the author wrote the story but felt very eager about it and they didn't think to re-read it or let a pre-reader do it. The plot was the most important thing and they only wanted feed-back on it. That's good and all but most readers won't appreciate the plot when it's improperly used. I comepletey understand. I, too, can become serious business about plots I create and I will shove it into people's faces until I get enough feedback on it before I start writing.
thank you all, i will touch up on those issues as best as i can. the main problem is that, as you all said, i didnt re-read. ill go through it and fix it best i can. but it isn't au, it was supposed to cover the luna thing in chapter 2. well, actually, it was supposed to not have a chapter two but it kept growing... apparently not as well as it went through my head. thank's again for the feed back.