The band of three ponies is asked to do a few more jobs just after they thought it all was over.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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please leave comments on what u thought.
Well, quite a few mistakes that you may want to look at. You need to start a new line with each pony talking.
Add more paragraphs to explain the area and things they are doing. Over all not bad for first try. I will follow to see where this goes, but do a fix up first.
Good luck out there! It's a tough crowd.
I will do that, thanks
Okay, quick pass, not too in depth.
First off, you're missing the alternate universe tag. Three of the mane 6 as mercs, m-16s, holograms, acting a bit out of character... not the regular one.
Next up, description:
You only use numbers for big numbers, not something small like three.
On to the story:
Some repeated issues:
Darkmoon covered the speaker paragraph issue. Be sure that you treat them just like you treat your other paragraphs as well. In your case, that means an extra line break between them.
In conversations, periods right before the end quote that is followed by an attributor (said and such) get replaced by a comma.
should be:
When you address someone, commas before and after. "Hey, Bob." "Hey, Bob, how are you doing?" "Get out of here, Bob."
Bunch of cases with missing quotation marks:
Individual things:
This sentence doesn't make much sense. The previous sentences don't build up any sort of link between non-business and business. Just suddenly a sentence that says that this cider is business.
Also, also, also. It should only be used once. The first one is redundant with the "like AJ".
Shouldn't start sentences with "and" or "but" if it can be avoided.
Extra spaces between chocolate and fountain.
This sentence is a mess. Your subject is Pinkie, yet you reference Rainbow. You've got a comma splice in there (after M16). Missing punctuation. Just bad. I'd suggest rewriting this as several separate sentences.
There's other errors and issues as well, but I'm done for now, figure this is enough
Overall, not too bad. Other than the repeated errors, which shouldn't be as big of an issue now that you know the right way to do it, you have some comma use issues. Comma can be a pain. Worth brushing up on how to use them properly.
Beyond that, mostly you need to proofread to catch errors as well as some of those clunky sentences. I'd suggest reading your story several times. Then wait a day and do it again. Possibly wait yet another day and read it some more. That should help you catch a lot of the little errors and fix up the clunky bits. Then and only then send it off to an editor/proofreader or publish.
I agree with Lolster, this shows some promise for a first fanfic. It's not polished yet, but you clearly have some creative ideas, and your grasp of vocabulary and spelling are good. The grammar and formatting could use work -- I specifically mention these because bad formatting will disproportionately drive away readers, way out of proportion relative to the amount of effort it takes to correct.
Put each line of dialogue in its own paragraph (spaced the same way as your other paragraphs are). When you end a line of dialogue with attribution -- for example,
"Hi," Rainbow Dash said.
-- turn the final period of the quote into a comma. (While you're fixing all those, check and make sure all your quotes start and end in the right places.) Finally, re-read and make certain that all of your verbs are in the same tense. Flipping back and forth between past and present is a common new-writer problem.
Other than that, my best recommendation is to team up with some friends or fellow writers -- you can find them here via the site or in communities like reddit's mlpwritingschool -- and have another set of eyes check over your story before you post it. There are a lot of things in this story that aren't wrong in the same way that spelling or grammar can be wrong, and yet make it difficult for readers. You have the benefit of reading your own story with a vivid image in your head of what you meant when you started typing; none of the rest of us do. So, for example, a pre-reader can ask you questions like "What does the D.D.W.A. stand for?" or tell you "I don't understand this scene" and give you a chance to clean things up before posting to the whole Internet. A good prereader is worth their weight in gold.
Finally, I do like the Charlie's Angels vibe you've got going on here, though it makes me wonder whether it might work better as direct homage. Their AI Jeremy is pretty inventive, but it would have been even more clever to have them taking orders from a mysterious Charlie Horse.
Best,
- H
1492807 thank you. I will definitely work on the points you showed me.
1493296 thank you it means a lot. I will now look up Charlie's angels.